Unsolicited Advice Column

DON'T STAY BECAUSE YOU "SHOULD"

2012-01-26T10:23:00.000-08:00

"I'm writing to you because I've decided to separate from my husband of 19 years. We have one daughter together who will be going to college this fall and my other daughter (not his) is married with 2 children.

My husband was addicted to pain killers, Zanex, Oxycotin, crack and heroin. He had colon cancer and they got it all with his surgeries, but he had some other health issues that put in in contact with pain killers. His brother who lived close by was also addicted and they hung together. My husband collected SSI disability, not working. He has lied numerous times. Money and jewelry of mine and my daughter's were stolen from the house. Credit cards went missing and were used with new cards being opened in my name without me knowing. He took in the mail everyday and hid bills from me. I did not know what was going on until he and his brother were picked up by the cops. I had to bail him out of jail. Then, he told me the whole story. This had been going on for two and a half years.

He went to detox for 4 days, but didn't go to rehab. He stayed away from his brother and was good for 4 months. Then he started again--more money was stolen from the house and things were not going well. He must have felt guilty because he told me he had a problem again six months later. He went to a meth clinic, which seems to help him, but he still lies. He's not home all day and the house isn't cleaned. I don't believe a word he says.

My daughter loves him and I know she'll be mad if I separate from him. but I don't know if he'll go back to it. We rent my mother's first floor apartment and she's had enough of him already. He ruined my credit and we're filing for Chapter 13 bankruptcy. But as crazy as it sounds, he's a very sensitive, caring, loving and intelligent person! I truly believe he's ADHD. He was doing okay with the methadone clinic, but when he was with his brother the other day, his brother got into trouble. The brother went to jail and got released, but my husband's name was in the paper along with his brother. It was very embarrassing for all of us. He's not supposed to be with his brother, but he says he feels sorry for him, giving him a ride once in a while.

Now that I've told him I want to get separated, he's very upset. I feel bad, but I can't live with his back-and-forth life anymore. I need to clean up the mess of my live and move on. I feel guilty. He says he wants to try and he's doing good on his program, but the truth is that--with all the mess of the last 3 or 4 years, I don't have feelings for him any more.

Any thoughts?--"Sick Of It All

Dear Sick,

I'd say this has been a tough decision for you, particularly since you still care for the guy even if you're not in love with him now. Relationships are challenging anyway. Dealing with the addiction issues and the stuff that comes with it--lies, stealing--is very, very hard. Having an addicted spouse is one of the most difficult situations. The roller coaster of them getting clean and relapsing can wear you out.

The thing is that love can die. If the cost of a relationship is more that what you get out of it, the relationship is no longer workable. You're daughter loves him--and you don't hate him most of the time--and that's completely understandable. It still doesn't mean you should stay with him.

* * *

I'm gonna say it again--no one but you gets to decide when you stay or go.

Your relationship is a very intimate, personal experience and no one else really knows the inside of it--your private experience--the way you do. Other people have opinions, of course, but these are necessarily based on an incomplete picture.

Clients ask me all the time if they "should" stay in their relationships. If children are involved, people often think they should stay for their kids. I get this. You want the best for your children. You love them and you're trying to be the best parent you can, but I don't think the concept of should fits this picture. Some couples with children can work things out. They still have enough connection to one another to salvage the relationship. Some don't.

Don't think your kids don't know how unhappy you are. They know. Even the young ones can sense the tension and unhappiness in the home. I've had children of conflicted couples tell me they wished their parents would divorce because the stress in the home was so high. Parents sometimes disagree with this, saying that they never fight with their spouses and that their kids are happy, but I ask then if they're role-modeling a healthy relationship for their children.

Having been married thirty-plus years, I know first hand that every relationship faces challenges. We're human and we all have things we need to learn. I'm not suggesting that jumping out of a relationship at the first sign of conflict is the best choice. Most individuals considering leaving their relationships have had problems in the relationship for a long, long time. They're just worn down and unable to continue the way they are.

The decision of what to do with your relationship is yours. Some come to counseling as a "last ditch" help. At that point, it doesn't usually help. Too much water has passed under the bridge.

Don't wait. Counseling can feel weird--telling your intimate feelings to a total stranger--but it can help you learn how to work through issues in the relationship. That's what makes the two of you stronger, learning how to find success together.

HOW DO YOU FEEL LOVED?

2012-01-19T08:47:00.000-08:00

"I'm 28 years old and my husband is 48 years old. We met 4 years ago and have a 2 year-old daughter together. I'm so confused with our marriage. I love him, but I'm not sure how much more I can take. He has 3 kids from a previous marriage. Their ages are 26, 21 and 10. The ten year-old daughter lives with us since he has primary custody, but she has Down's Syndrome and he does everything for her! I mean everything--wiping her bottom, bathing her, brushing her teeth and carrying her around stores because she doesn't want to walk. I worked in a group home for adults with different levels of mental retardation and Down's Syndrome and they were all expected to bathe, cook, clean and some even worked(with supervision, of course). So, I know it's possible for her to be somewhat independent. I feel he's hindering her development by babying her so much. This takes time away from our alone time, which isn't so much anyway since he works two jobs. His daughter also has some very bad habits that are hard for me to understand. She plays with her poop in the restroom and is really rough with and mean towards our 2 year-old daughter. I've done research on Down's Syndrome to try to understand the condition a little better, but that didn't help.
There's also a custody battle going on with the ex-wife. My husband asked for child support a year ago and now she's trying to get primary custody. We are dealing with court dates and social studies. The ex-wife had caused many problems for us and she and I have even had confrontations that nearly got physical. I'm just so tired of everything and I'm not sure how much more I can take.
In addition, my husband's 21 year-old son hates me. He calls me bad names to my face and walks into our house without even saying hi to me. It's as if I don't exist. I'm not comfortable around him! I've talked to my husband about all this, but he gets upset as if I've hurt his feelings. I don't know what to do. Every day is a struggle for me. I want some advice on this. I resent the daughter now and don't even like being around her because of her gross behavior and the problems with the ex. I know it's not the daughter's fault that we're in a court battle and I know she didn't ask to be born with Down's Syndrome. I know it's wrong to feel the way I feel and that's why I'm asking for help. I hope I don't sound like a bad person"--Confused

Dear Confused,

You've got a couple of problems, both tracking directly back to dysfunctional communication with your husband. You're dealing with the challenges involved in parenting a disabled individual and with the issues that often come with the step-parenting role. Not all Down's Syndrome kids have the same challenges and same abilities, but it sounds like reality of your step-daughter's abilities can't even be addressed. You're right that many people with Down's can actively participate in many activities and they can often care for themselves with supervision.

It sounds to me that you married a caretaker. Your husband's life sounds like it revolves around taking care of others. You say he works two jobs and you imply that he's resistant to his daughter learning to do some basic things for herself. If he were open to hearing these observations, a loving partner could share them. You've tried talking about the issues and your feelings, but this hasn't apparently gone well.

From your mentioning yours and your husband's ages, I suspect you think this could play a role in the problems you're having. All relationships are challenging at times, but unequal relationships are even harder.

So here's the hard news--you and your husband need several serious talks about this relationship. It's not good that you feel so distressed in your own life. You need to share your feelings and concerns and he needs to hear them. He also gets to tell you his perspective--which will be very different from your own--and you need to listen to him. On top of all this, your husband needs to level with his adult son that his behavior in your home is unacceptable. Is your husband afraid that he'll lose contact with his son?

There seems to be a theme of your husband always bending over backward to "help" and be available to his children, but he's not really helping them by accepting their anti-social behavior.

Whether the two of you can have honest dialogue about all this is unclear. You may need an objective third party to help sort all this through. If so, get help soon because you seem to be near the end of your rope.

* * *

Do you know what triggers your mate to feel loved? I'm often surprised when clients can't answer this about their partners. Do you know when you feel loved? Valentine's Day is coming up soon and lots of money will be spent in an attempt to show love. Lot's of folks hate this holiday, saying it's a manufactured holiday, designed to get your money and there's some truth in this, but many love this celebration.

Still, to better target your gift--if you're a Valentine participant--you need to know the answer to what makes your partner feel loved. Some women love getting a splashy bouquet of red roses delivered to their place of work. This feels like a demonstration of them being loved, seen by all those they work with. Others hate cut flowers.

While some love special dinners and expensive gifts, these mean nothing to some. There are also individuals who struggle with their partners doing nothing on the "day of love."

So, what makes you feel loved? Many have to think about this.

Consider those times you've felt most cared for by your mate--was it when he got you something you hesitated to get for yourself? Or did he do something for you, even though he had to go out of his way to do this service? Different people feel loved differently. You need to know the ways in which you feel most loved and you need to listen to your partner. He may have a very different way of receiving this. For some, it's neither roses nor sex. They kind of expect that regularly.

This Valentine's Day can be a great experience...if you know your own and the other person's triggers.

DO KIDS OWE PARENTS?

2012-01-12T10:20:00.000-08:00

"My divorced step-daughter and our grandson, who have been living with my wife and myself for six years, has recently become romantically involved with someong. She insists that she be allowed to have him sleep over in her bed. My wife and I are at odds over this. I am completely opposed to this. My wife says that because her daughter pays us room and board, it's none of my business if she wants to have her boyfriend sleep over. My point is that she is still living under our roof. If I say no, then I feel my wife should support me on this. I have made it clear that what she does when she has her own place is none of my business, but as long as she's living in our home, she needs to respect my rules. My rules say no sleep-overs until she's in her own home. My question is--am I wrong in my way of thinking? I would be very grateful for any insight on this matter."--Upset Step-Dad

Dear Step-Dad,

I think it's time you and your wife got out of the Boarding House business. You and you wife don't disagree that her daughter is in charge of her own morals, but you don't want to be involved in these. You've got a point. She is an adult with a child of her own and she's in charge of deciding how she wants to conduct her own relationships. The problem is that she's not sleeping "in her bed." She's in your bed--your house, your comfort zone.

On a note that has nothing to do with her sexual exploits, it's also upsetting to have someone in your house in your down time. This guy isn't your relative. You could run into him in the night when you go to the bathroom!
It's time to suggest that for everyone's comfort, she find her own place. Warning, though, your wife might be trying to avoid this very thing. Have a talk with her first. She may be struggling with the idea of her daughter--and her grandson--leaving the nest again.

***

Do Kids Owe Parents?
Some individuals think of parenting as if they're lenders--they invest in raising a child and demand repayment when they enter their later years. From this thinking, kids are considered to be required to care for their aging parents because their parents raised them. They owe them. But this thinking has many problems. More and more people are facing expectations to care for troublesome parents with whom they've had complicated relationships.

In many families, the issue never comes up because of the nature of the relationship between adult children and their parents. Lots of people want to care for their aging parents and there's no sense of obligation for them. Sadly, this isn't true in all families. Some feel their parents failed them; some struggle with feeling burdened by the care of an aging parent.

Families are complex and the care of failing parents can involve many issues. These can be the result of unresolved problems in the child/parent relationship, but they aren't always rooted in parents' relationship with the individual in childhood. What if there has been a perception of discrepancy in the way money has been spent? An unrepaid loan to one sibling can be the source of resentment to the others. One sibling may have a very demanding career she feels has to take precidence over the issues of the other siblings. Others feel the burdens should be shared by all the adult children, not just one. What if the child living closest--often cited as "the most logical one" to take care of the parent--always felt the parent preferred a different sibling?

Like the rest of the large decisions in life, you have to decide what works best for you. Although this is a hot button situation for many, there are no hard-and-fast rules. Since you weren't consulted about being born into the family, you can't really be required to care for your parents.

It's not a contractual thing.

This is a personal issue and no one else can decide for you. Don't give yourself a hard time if you have mixed feelings. This may be a moment that sitting down with an objective third party would be helpful. Minister. Objective friend or therapist.

Think seriously about what's best for you.

HANGING ON (& BITCHING)

2012-01-05T11:41:00.000-08:00

"My husband and I have been married for 16 years and have three children together. We have been through a lot of problems in our marriage. My husband is a very quiet man. We hardly talk to each other or go out alone together. If he goes anywhere, it's always around his family, but not where I want to go. Whenever I want to go somewhere, there is no money. Don't get me wrong. My husband is a great man and I know he loves me, but I really believe he doesn't like me. I am a very friendly person and I love to talk to friends. The only time my husband sees his friends is when he goes to church or church meetings. We are so different if I say white, he says black. Seven years ago, we joined a church where the pastor is my husband's uncle. I was happy, but I started to feel ignored again. He was always at church functions, but when I needed something, he wasn't available. If he did things for me, he did them in a bad mood.

Three or four years ago, I began not wanting to have sexual relations with him. For me, it was and still is, a terrible time. I don't even want to kiss him. I used to ask God to give me the love that I needed for my husband, but nothing has changed. At the beginning of last year, we got into an argument and I told him I was tired of his reaction towards my family get-together. He was always either inside the house or falling asleep or wanted to leave because church was the next day. He was not "bringing glory to God" because people were having drinks at the reunion and he didn't like to be there. I told my husband that I was tired and wanted to separate from him. We did and I stopped going to church. I started going out with my old friends. I felt free, even though we were still living at the same house. We were living separate lives. I really didn't want to be home. I was only there for the children. My children have started having some issues do to the fact that I was going out and people were talking and praying for me. My husband took me off the bank account as soon as I lost my job. I had no money, so I started selling food to get money and put gas in the car. My mom helped me some.

While I was going out, I met this man that treated me like a queen. He is the sweetest man I ever met, but at the same time, I was not divorced. I told him I wanted to work out my marriage. I told my husband that I will try again, but things are not as I thought. We don't talk. He always wants to have sex and I don't want to. Every time I am with him, I feel like yelling and crying. He touches me like I'm a piece of meat and I've told him many times not to do this. The only time he touches me is when he wants sex and I hate that. He says he loves me and that he only wants to be with me. I really want to love him, but instead I feel so unhappy. I don't know what to do. My children are very important to me and I don't want to hurt them. That's why I want to stay in the marriage. Besides, he is the only man I've been with for so many years. I don't know if I can even be without him, even though it's like we're only partners."--Upset Wife

Dear Upset,

You say your husband doesn't talk to you much, but I'm guessing you don't feel he listens to you, either. This isn't a sex problem. You guys have serious communication issues and things have gone pretty bad. You say he is a great guy and I sense ambivalence on your part. You don't hate him, but you will if you guys don't learn to actually talk to and hear one another. His seeking sex with you could very well be him trying to find some closeness with you. For some people, the physical connection is easier than talking. When you have sex with him, he probably feels like you're still connected. Still in the relationship.

Staying for the children doesn't do anyone any good. The family atmosphere has to be affected by the marital unhappiness. Middle school-age children have told me they wished their unhappy parents would divorce already.

Remaining in the marriage because he's the only guy you've been with or because you've been together a long time also isn't going to make you happy in the long run. But you've got a long-term investment with your husband. A lot of history. It would be smart to learn to hear his feelings, too. I know he doesn't talk a lot, but I'm guessing you're not great at listening when he does say things.

You probably both need to learn this skill. Look for a good counselor. If you don't have insurance that'll cover this, many agencies offer a sliding scale. You're all torn up about this decision. You need to have some assistance to sort it through.

* * *

Hanging On (& Bitching)

There are many good reasons to stay in a relationship. The skills required to be a good mate are the same ones no matter who you're with, so it makes sense to learn these--listening, really saying what you need to say, learning to work through conflict. If you don't, you'll repeat the same cycle in later relationships.

However, it's brutal to all to stay in a non-functional relationship when it's clearly not getting better. Some people do this not because they love their current partners, but because they fear being alone. They're not working to improve the relationship; they're just hanging on and griping about it. This typically happens when an individual has already finished with the relationship. They're done. Finito. Through.

Only the individual can decide this. No one has a right to tell you that you ought to stay or ought to go. This is totally your call.

Still, don't stay because you're afraid to get out on your own. It's the coward's way and you're selling yourself short.

SEEING PAST THIS MOMENT

2011-12-29T10:05:00.000-08:00

"I just feel that my marriage is a big mistake and a failure after 22 years of marriage and having 5 children. I need your help on how to make corrective decisions to plan my life forward.

My wife and I are Muslim, living in Saudi Arabia. I am 45 years old and have a Ph.D. in Electrical Engineering. My wife is 41 years old with a high school diploma and a 1-year diploma in Computer Science. I work as a college professor besides having part-time company work and my income is above average. I spend my time between work and home. I have meals with my family everyday and help my children with their homework. My wife is a housewife. She spends most of the time at home and she has almost no friends to visit.

My problem is that my wife has never felt compatible with me or my family(parents and relatives). She doesn't trust me. She thinks that I will run after another woman. She is suspicious of my telephone calls and my work meetings. She doesn't like my being alone on the net or on a business trip, although I never have done any cheating(nonetheless, she knows that my religious tendency). Whenever we go out together, she keeps observing me. She is not happy with our life and she keeps complaining all the time about everything. She is not compatible with my thinking as she has no plans or dreams or hopes. She just thinks what to cook and what to dress!

This has been running for 22 years and it's a nightmare for me. I tried to compromise and avoid trouble to save my family. Several times, conflicts escalated to discuss divorce, but whenever we reach that point, she regrets it and is sorry, asking for pardon. But, I know that she is not convinced or satisfied. That's why she returns to her behavior after a couple of weeks.

I believe that I made a mistake to marry her from the beginning. I asked her to go to a psychiatrist or a family counselor to present our case to him, but she refuses, assuming that if she does so, then she is psychologically sick. Our life is going up and down and we never live one week peacefully."--Distressed Husband

Dear Husband,

I'll bet this is a nightmare for her, too. You have a history with your wife--not to mention the five kids--and this is both good and bad. You say you've asked her to go to a counselor. Why not go yourself first? You're unhappy in this marriage and that's never good, but you might benefit from looking at what you're contributing. I'm NOT saying this is all your fault. I'm just pointing out that it's not all her fault, either. The two of you need to learn to work through your issues.

You have a great disparity in education and in income-producing potential. This typically adds stress to a relationship. You mention that her life is mostly in your home, but some of this is attributable to things beyond her--the culture you live in doesn't encourage women to think beyond their homes and children. You mention that she has no hopes and dreams, but she's caring for a large family and this takes up a lot of energy.

You're right that it would be good for her to have friends. That eases much difficulty in life.

Whether or not you decide to get a divorce, you need to learn everything from this marriage that you can. You'll be a better partner for her--or someone else--if you learn to talk about your issues, not avoid them and just hope things get better. Learning to listen to her is very important. She has experiences and emotions that deserves to be listened to by you. Her jealousy and questioning you could easily have grown from the distance between you. She feels the estrangement as much as you do. She probably also is very aware of your growing disinterest in her. Since you and the kids are all she has going, she's even more threatened.

You can certainly leave your marriage. You know that this is an option, but leaving isn't typically a good option until you've gotten some professional help and taken every lesson from the relationship that you can.

* * *

Seeing Past This Moment

Whether you're anxious or depressed, unhappy in your relationship or grieving the loss of a loved one, you need to remember that this won't be your experience forever. Getting help from a therapist can help you learn how to get beyond your anxiety and depression. Don't think these are necessarily life-long issues. While you may have felt this way a long time and you have a hard time seeing your way out of this current distress, believing in a better experience is vital.

Grief can be consuming. The loved one is gone and will not return, but the wrenching emotions can shift into a more gentle loss. Learning how to grieve is important. You need to identify self-blame and check out the validity of this in the cold light of a rational viewpoint. A therapist can help with this. Relationship loss can lead to grief, as well. You need to both learn from this--no big endeavor doesn't involve some failure--and you need to forgive yourself.

Medication can be helpful in the short term. Never be ashamed of getting a script to help you while you're struggling. But learn how to fix the problem. Anxiety and depression can both be helped by a good therapist. You don't have to struggle with this the rest of your life.

You deserve better. You deserve a better future.

DO THE HARD (RIGHT) THING

2011-12-24T04:59:00.000-08:00

"I am divorced with two children. My ex-husband and father of my children was very abusive (sexually, emotionally, verbally). He forced himself of me many times, called me horrific names, refused to support me in any way, would not work and would not celebrate holidays. When I had a baby die, he told me to get over it and get back to work. I had no financial support and was treated like an animal. I stayed because I desperately wanted to remain a family and not become a single mom/statistic until I discovered he was having affairs.

I've had trouble keeping jobs, even though I always kept a good professional position. I'd hop to another job within a year. I've been diagnosed with Bipolar II and PTSD. Because of my job history, I've never keep insurance long enough to see a regular counselor or psychiatrist.

I am now in a relationship with a man who has no children. This man has physically abused me. I am in school and I only have 7 months left. My current boyfriend likes to say that he's sacrificing to put me through school, but I pay half the bills and pay ALL my personal bills myself with student loans. I drive an old beat-up car that I paid cash for. He never offered to help me get a vehicle(even just co-signing), but he is now looking at a new car for himself.

Lately, I've been thinking about trying again to find a life partner and having another child someday. I want to experience a loving, functional family. As a result of all the traumas in my past(I'm also an adoptee), I have struggled with parenting and bonding with my two daughters. I know it isn't their fault, but I feel a lot of anger and resentment. I'm mad that their father treated me that way, but now has a good job, lives in a good area and has a great life while I'm struggling and depressed. I am questioning God and the unfairness of it all. My boyfriend says he doesn't want to get married. Although he was engaged before, he now says he doesn't believe in marriage. He says he never saw himself with children, but doesn't mind mine. I want to be able to raise a child as a mature adult with financial stability and a loving partner. He says he doesn't want to have children with me because I yell sometimes, I'm negative and I dread being a mother.

I know I have the ability to be a great mom. I was very organized and loving until I lost my jobs, lost a child, got divorced and was raped. I try to convince him that just because I'm not happy at the moment, doesn't mean I couldn't be an excellent mom, happy with job stability and a loving partner. We are at a standstill. I can't imagine looking back on my life and only having my two girls with that monster ex of mine. I want a family and at least one happy pregnancy. I am obsessed with families and jealous whenever I see a woman with a loving partner and a child. I cry daily and can't seem to get past the fact that my marriage failed. All I want to do is fix it by meeting a good man who loves me and my kinds and wants to give me what I never had. I am very sad that I've possibly waisted another 2 years in another relationship that isn't going to be happily ever after. What do I do?"--Abused

Dear Abused,

First off, don't get pregnant just yet. Second, find a good therapist who'll work with you on a sliding scale and get into counseling. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) alters perspectives and often leaves individuals longing to fix their emotional struggles by finding happily ever after. You've had multiple abusers and you say that your current boyfriend is also abusive. This is why you don't need to have a child with him--at least not now. Your obsession with families and your struggle to not resent your own children are indicators that you need to take care of you first.

Get into therapy. It is a well-known reality that emotional development stops at the age of first abuse. You're physically a grown woman, but you don't feel you've been loved or nurtured. Your aching for a family and another child sounds like you're trying to recreate the loving environment you yourself deserved when you were growing up. PTSD is driving many of your emotions now and it's important the heal you first.

* * *

DO THE HARD(RIGHT) THING

Choices set us free, but they're a bitch, too. Think about the thousands of small moments when you drank too much, ate too much, skip exercise, cut someone off in traffic(flipping them off when they honked) or stepped out on your partner. At that second, you just wanted to feel better, get where you were going or do to someone else what was done to you.

But none of these choices helped you actually feel better for more than a few minutes.

Finding the time to work out or NOT putting that extra charge on your credit card--these are the hard decisions. At this time of year, people over-eat, over-drink and over-spend, all in an attempt to feel better, to feel loved or to feel appreciated. Ever notice how many people buy new flooring and dining room furniture around this time of year? We dream of hosting wonderful family gathers in our decked out homes... Trying to feel better and to look good to those people who're supposed to want the best for us.

Do the hard thing. There are lots of opportunities. Take care of yourself financially and physically, it'll be good for you and for others, too.

FIND SOMEONE WHO LIKES YOU

2011-12-15T11:18:00.000-08:00

"My mother and I have been fighting more and more lately. We used to get along really well, but after my brother got married a couple of years ago, things went downhill. My mom went over the deep end with her mother (who she does not get along with) coming into town, and my father and his wife coming to the wedding. My parents have been divorced for 30 years and my father has been remarried for 20, but my mother has never gotten over my father walking out on us. She is still very bitter and angry. My brother and I have tried to establish an adult relationship with our father, understanding that he wasn't always there for us when we were young, but we are moving on. This is a new phase. My mother thinks I am betraying her and she as accused me replacing her with my father's wife. I am 35 years old. I hardly need a new mother. Thanksgiving was terrible. My brother wants a happy family gathering, but my mother recently screamed at me that I am insensitive to her and that I am only seeing my father in a positive light, forgetting everything he has ever done.

I don't know how to stop fighting with my mother and I want a relationship with her, but if she can't stop yelling at me and blaming me for her misery, I may have to stop seeing her. We only live 3 miles apart. I feel terrible"--Troubled Daughter

Dear Troubled Daughter,

You and your mom have been close, which makes this breach even more difficult. I think you're on the right track. All relationships--whether these are relatives or not--need to benefit you or it makes no sense to stay connected.

You need to gain more from the interaction than it costs you. Still, it's very hard to cut off a mother with whom you've previously had a close relationship.

I think you need to talk to your mom about the relationship you want with her at this point. It's usually best to begin these conversations with a statement of how important she is to you. Tell her how much you love her and that you've enjoyed your previous closeness with her.

Then tell her that the issue of your current relationship with your father is yours to deal with. It's not her call. You're very aware of the past and you were certainly impacted by your parents' marital issues. How you choose to handle this relationship now is your decision. As you said, you're an adult. You don't need your mom's permission to interact with your dad. (I suggest that you refrain from discussing with your mother your relationship with you dad and his current wife. This may feel like you're hiding things, but it's not. Do you talk with her about every interaction you have? Every interaction with every person? Probably not.)

Your mom needs to know that it's inappropriate for her to continuously talk about your relationship with your father or for her to treat you as the enemy because you presumably are friendly with him. You're fully grown up. While she needed to parent you when you were a child, that's not a functional relationship to have at this stage. You have lots of adult decisions to make and you'll bear the consequences of these. Not her.

Your mom won't like any of this, but she doesn't have to.

* * *

Choosing the Right Partner

This is a problem for lots of people. You'll be better equipped to make good relationship decisions if you use two requirements:

Find someone who really likes you(liking is different from loving, BTW).

This is important because liking will carry you through the rough times that every relationship encounters. It greases the wheels of communication and helps with the tough times.

Find someone who helps you grow

Remember that scene in As Good As It Gets when Jack Nicholson tells Helen Hunt's character that she made him want to be a better man? That's what you're going for, a spouse or lover who helps you become a better person. Someone who helps you deal with your issues--even though these issues are annoying and you don't like your spouse much when he/she insists you deal with them. A relationship that helps you grow is a tremendously beneficial interaction.

Because individuals don't typically know how to resolve conflict in relationships, we have a tendency to choose "someone who's like me". This can be a big mistake. While sharing similar values is important, you need a balancing influence. Someone at the other end of the teeter totter.

If you have these two components and your values aren't too far apart, you have a significantly better chance of staying together...and you're probably have lots of fun, too.

LITTLE LETHAL PLEASURES

2011-12-01T11:09:00.000-08:00

"My spouse and I have known each other for 10 years, but have only been in a relationship for 4 years. We have a 3 year-old child. At the beginning of our relationship, everything was great, fun and easy, but after we had our child, it seems like things and we have changed. We argue about the smallest things. Anything! My spouse says he loves me and this I believe, but as far as trust goes, he doesn't! He's always questioning me, and bringing up my past (before we were together). He tries to control me and always seems to find something to pick at me about. We are on good terms and want to make our relationship work, but we don't know what else to do. I don't want my child growing up with parents who argue all the time, but at the same time I don't want to take the child away from his father. I need some advice, please. I'm about ready to give up and just accept that the relationship didn't work."--Confused

Dear Confused,

You said he loves you, but I'm not sure how you feel about him. If you want this relationship to work--for you, not just your child--the two of you need to learn to deal with your conflicts. This sounds obvious, but lots of people don't do this. Instead of resolving their issues, they try to forget their arguments and get over the conflicts. This may sound like your only option, but it doesn't work over the long haul.

You need to learn to listen to one another. Really listen to your partner's message, not just the words. You probably think you know what he's saying to you, but I'd be willing to bet he wouldn't agree. Here's a trick--take one situation and listen to him without defending yourself. Listen as if you'll be tested over what he's saying and even though it's very hard, don't defend or explain. He may throw in statements about you that are all wrong, don't correct him.

Instead just hear what he's trying to say. This will usually come down to hearing what he feels. You'll need to feedback to him what you've heard, just to make sure you've got it correctly. Lots of people don't say exactly what they mean and lots of time we don't hear exactly what they said. Repeat back to him what you hear. Do it several times until he agrees that you've gotten his message. You've heard him.

Then--and only then--tell him what you feel about the situation. Help him to hear your side of things. Again, this may involve trying it several times before he actually gets what you're saying.

After you've both talked clearly about your perspectives, you can look at the conflict as objectively as possible to find a resolution. This will involve some adjustment to one another, but resolution removes resentment.

Remember that last, if one or the other of you still feels hurt and/or resentment, you need to go back to trying to understand your experiences. The path to resolution in relationships is complicated and sadly not often achieved, but it's really worth the effort.

In every conflict, you need to remember that you love this person. Even when you want to wring his neck, you still love him. Focusing on this sometimes gives you the strength to soldier on. Relationships are supposed to involve joy. Ask yourself if you ever have that, ever really just enjoy one another. Sometimes the stress and the issues have built up to the point that it's hard to like each other. At that point, you may not have anything left for the relationship. You may be done.

* * *

This life is sometimes challenging and you feel alone. When the stressors get intense, as they sadly do at this "joyous" time of year, we tend to turn to things that give us temporary pleasure. Sadly, the little pleasures can kill you if you're not careful.

In this nation, we have an epidemic of obesity. While we have to look at factors like high fructose corn syrup that insidiously make us want to eat more, we also need to see the emotional aspect of over-eating. When we're sad, we eat to feel better. When we're mad or lonely, we eat to feel better, only the eating makes us feel sluggish and guilty and doesn't really work for us.

I personally have always had a complicated relationship with sugar. Sad, when you think about it. What I do to "get happy" doesn't really make me happy, though.

The same things can be said for alcohol. Individuals drink to get happy, to change how they feel. Whether this is a celebratory occasion or a sad one, we often hear "I need a drink" like this is a medicinal choice. Some people smoke for the pleasure it gives them. One of the brightest men I know--who's actually in the medical field and knows the data--indulges himself in expensive cigars almost every day.

We need to remind ourselves that our "little pleasures" don't actually give us pleasure. Whether the size of the swimsuit increases or we're drinking to the point of making social blunders, these habits don't give us as much enjoyment as we've thought.

Let's face it, sometimes life just sucks. Whether you're mad at your parent or disappointed in your spouse or massively frustrated with your exceptional child who's failing Social Studies, eating, drinking or smoking doesn't really solve any of these.

We do it, trying to feel better at the moment. Science tells us taking a walk around the block will do more good. We should try that.

WHAT LIFE DO YOU WANT?

2011-11-26T12:05:00.000-08:00

Too often we ask teens and college-bound kids the wrong question and truthfully adults are often confused when making major decisions. Rather than asking themselves about college-majors and career choices, individuals first need to consider the kinds of lives they want to lead. This may sound obvious, but think about it, when you pick a mate or a career or even a residence, do you know that you're choosing the life you'll live?

Just as career choices determine what you'll do each and everyday, they also involve salary considerations and even areas of the country where you'll live. City and country living involve many different aspects. You need to think about whether you prefer the sleepy, slower, but fewer shopping/entertainment options of country living or the bustle, traffic, higher prices, more restaurant choices of a city.

While these details might seem insignificant, they effect your eventual happiness with where you are. In these times of economic uncertainty, job choices are paramount, but that's just one aspect of understanding what you want and need to wake up looking forward to every day. Kids in high school may not want to engage in higher learning. I know I didn't like school. But college is an important step in creating a more prosperous life with greater choices as to where you live and what you do for work. There are some non-college jobs that'll earn decent money, too, but this aspect of job-choice needs to be considered. If an individual invests in becoming an air traffic controller--a highly specialized job requiring excellent spatial skills, but no college--they'll earn a very decent living. But this job entails an intense training and is a career that carries the responsibility for many lives.

You can't just give half-power to this one. Lives count on you. In some jobs, having an off-day isn't that big a deal. Here, messing up has major consequences.

Think, too, about your partner choice. Lots of folks are struggling/dealing with the hunt for a mate, whether you seek marriage or not. When you're looking for a person to share your life with, though, you need to know what you want as far as the life you lead. Do you want kids? Not every one does, despite commonly-held beliefs. But this is a major issue if you and your mate disagree and is almost guaranteed to make for a bumpy relationship.

Lifestyle choices are sometimes judged by others. Even condemned. While this is unfortunate and unhealthy for the condemner's mental health, it happens all the time.

Whether you're a teenager approaching high-school graduation or an adult struggling to make some major choices, you need to think about what will make you happy. Not what your parents or friends will think of you, but you. Your own needs, preferences and desires. This isn't easy. Individuals can live a long time without truly understanding themselves, but seeking self-clarity is a tremendously important thing. We tend to seek our faults, our limitations and our struggles. This may all be hidden under bravado and our sadly external focus--we put more energy into picking houses and cars and clothing than we do in looking at ourselves.

The search for self-understanding needs to avoid self-condemnation. You're really not the jerk you fear yourself to be (even if you had some less-than-stellar behavior shopping on Black Friday). Look carefully at what makes you happiest at think about what will add most to your enjoyment of your life over the long haul.

You deserve to create the life you want.

GIVE THE GIRL A BREAK

2011-11-17T11:53:00.000-08:00

"I was physically abused by my husband years ago to the point of barely surviving and my in-laws filed for custody of my 2 year-old daughter while I was in the hospital recovering. They won custody and took her away to another state. Because of her father's abuse, I was told I couldn't have her because it put her in danger. I wasn't told where she was and now she's 27. I finally found her living in the same state! We met and soon after I was invited to her house. I was thrilled! Unfortunately after I arrived I received a cold shoulder and felt that she wasn't interested in me. I left and tried to call, getting through once. Afterward, I was shut out.
I have been wanting to find her all these years only to live my worst fear, her rejection. How can I reach her without telling her bad things about her father?I want her to accept me as her birth mother. She won't even accept a phone call from me and I don't know why. I sense it is resentment for me not being there for her. Her father is dangerous and I am afraid of him. She wasn't told about the past, so everything is still tricky because he lives close to her. Is there a future for me and my daughter?"--Distressed Mother

Dear Distressed Mother,

There might be a future relationship for you and your daughter, but you have to respect her right to work this through. Remember, from her point-of-view, you abandoned her. She's angry, sad and confused. All understandable. She doesn't have all the facts, either.

You didn't say whether or not she has a relationship with her father now. This could muddy things up, too.

Give the girl a break.

I don't know what you expected when you finally had contact with your daughter, but it isn't reasonable or fair to think that she'd hug you and take you in immediately as her long-lost, much-loved mom. Her cold shoulder was probably a result of her trying to deal with it all. She deserves time to process all this, to sort it through and make sense of the mess.

I recommend that you send her a letter, expressing your understanding of her mixed feelings and saying that you want whatever contact with her that she's ready to give. Don't bash her dad or your in-laws in the letter. Just tell her you respect her right to have whatever contact she wants...and then wait. If she does contact you for lunch or some other limited interaction, take it. Don't push for more than she's ready to give.

I realize none of this seems fair. After all, you were the abused one. You didn't get to raise your daughter and you're now possibly in the role of enemy. It's totally not fair, but this is what you're dealing with.

Should she contact you and want to begin establishing a relationship--think taming a wild animal--proceed with caution. Respect her and the life she's built for herself. At some point, however, it is important that you tell her about her father's abuse. She deserves the facts and she might be able to hear them if you refrain from defending yourself and just give the information. Remember, she's an adult and she's probably had her share of difficult relationships, too. Maybe not to the point of physical abuse, but she'll probably have had some challenging moments.

* * *

Give yourself a break. You probably have a skill that you don't even consider. Individuals tend not to consider those things that come easiest to them--"no big deal". But your ability isn't shared by everyone.

My husband has a high Kinesthetic intelligence--you know, like the great athletes? They jump and move their bodies in amazing ways. Roger is dismissive of his abilities because he doesn't think they're as great as some and because he's accustomed to always having had this. I, on the other hand, am not Kinesthetic. My intelligence lies in other areas.

Low self-esteem is a significant issue for many and part of this problem is that we don't have accurate assessments of ourselves. We dismiss those things we do well and tend to exaggerate our limitations. Having an accurate self-assessment is very important. We don't have every skill, but we need to see the ones we do have.

Having an accurate self-image allows us to work on the areas we struggle in and to accept the areas where we do well. Some skills will never be within my reach, but I'm good at some things and this is true of us all.

SHE WANTS KIDS NOW; HE'S NERVOUS

2011-11-10T10:37:00.000-08:00

I have loved my fiancee for a long time. I'm simply not willing to let go and walk away. We get along great at times and she really is my best friend. We both want to get married and start a family as soon as possible, but she doesn't think that I share those desires with her. She feels like I'm just putting it off as long as I can, trying to make up my mind. She has some health issues and we also had a miscarriage, as well. She is 35 years old (I'm 30) and she knows all about the statistics on how she could have complications the longer she waits to have children. I understand and fear the same complications, but more than the fear of this, I worry about getting married, having a baby or two and the marriage falling apart. If we divorced, we'd cause our child to be raised in a broken home. This is so freaking scary that I simply can't give in and say okay, let's get the show on the road.

My number 1 reason for dragging my heels is I want to start a marriage with joy and peace, not anger and strife. I want to at least give counseling a try and see where that gets us. Maybe it works; maybe it doesn't. This is a huge argument for us. She is ready and wants kids NOW! She says she is happy enough with our life and relationship and feels like there is no need for counseling. She is extremely smart and I understand she doesn't want to feel there is anything in this world that she cannot figure out and fix on her own. I feel the same way, but I know that something has to change or our marriage will not last. I will my put myself, her or our potential children through that. I grew up in a house where there was a lot of anger and fighting. She thinks I want counseling because I want someone to tell me yes or no, that I either should or shouldn't marry her. That's not what I want at all. I just want to learn how to argue without fighting and how to disagree without making bothy of our lives miserable. There are happy couples all over the world and I want to be one of them. I'm not saying she doesn't make me happy. She makes me happier than anyone ever has in my life! I have never had someone who is so willing to do any and everything to help me.--Help!!

Dear Help!!

She's certainly not willing to help you in this. Going to a therapist is very uncomfortable for some people, but they need to accept that there are some things you need help with. She wouldn't try to fix her own broken bone, she'd go to a specialist in this. Therapists who work with couples specialize in helping you know how to argue without fighting and to know how to best love one another.

If one half of a couple wants counseling, the other half better be listening. I'm surprised when one part of a couple thinks he or she can just decide that counseling isn't necessary. Couple decisions are joint decisions and both better be listening to each other or there will definitely be trouble ahead. A truly skilled counselor won't tell you whether or not to do anything, certainly not whether or not to get married. Counselors know that you are the one to best make your life decisions.

Her feeling of urgency is valid. The later pregnancy is put off, the more likelihood of problems. But it sounds as if you already have issues in the relationship that could lead--if not addressed--to a split later down the line. There's no such thing as happy enough. Either you are or you aren't. If the relationship worked, you wouldn't be at this stand-off. This isn't to say the problems are huge or unworkable, however. You can learn to listen to one another and to say what you need. A really good therapist wants to help you learn how to work through the issues. She wants you not to need her forever.

Good therapists are always trying to work their way out of a job. Go for counseling yourself, if she won't go with you.

* * *

Loving another person isn't the strongest reason to act in their best interests--it's really about loving yourself.

We're often very confused about love. The term is thrown around very loosely. We love sandwiches, high heels, our dogs and our children, but these aren't all the same. There are love songs and movies about love, but when it comes right down to it--love is about doing what's best for the other person. Period.

The interesting, complicated part of all this, though, is that what's good for one person can't be bad for another person. We're all interwoven. I can't act in a way that will hurt those I love and not be hurt myself.

While that may seem obvious, think about all the individuals who are cheating in their relationships, claiming they love two people at the same time? Do both of those people agree? Do they feel loved in the situation? Love is both a powerful emotion and certain behaviors--which aren't always the same. When our feelings conflict with what we believe we need to do, we need to look at the choices--the actions--more closely.

This opens up a discussion of what's best for them and you. This isn't clear sometimes and it can take a good, long look and sometimes you need consultation with an objective third party.

LEARN FROM IT

2011-11-03T13:40:00.000-07:00

Bad stuff happens and if we're paying attention, we look for the lesson. This isn't to say that random bad things don't happen. They do. Just watch the news. People get what they don't deserve all the times. In our difficult economy, people lose jobs and homes and self-respect. Most of them don't deserve any of this, but asking yourself what you need to learn is a good response to crappy things.

This is true in a lot of situations and it doesn't mean you're accepting that you're stupid. Not true.

But you need to figure out the best life choices and this isn't easy. The only way we really learn is by getting the consequences of our choices. Some very small percentage of us sometimes learn from seeing others' choices, but this is rare.

Parents tend to want to shelter their kids from the bad choices, and this is very natural, but carried too far, it blunts the learning process. Let's face it, we need to screw up sometimes to see how life works. When a tiny scrap of humanity is born into your family, you tend to want to buffer all the cold winds from it, but don't always give in to this urge.

When bad things happen to you--whether this is financial, physical or relational--your best response is to look at what you've contributed to the problem. Sometimes our contribution is in the form of what we didn't do or what we did out of concern for another, but we really need to see the results of our actions in order to get the most from the crummy times.

We certainly want to minimize these and learning from them can enable us to achieve this.
Our lessons are more obvious when they just involve us, but life doesn't always work this way. Relationships more often end in split-ups than any of us want. This may happen early in a dating experience, after you've been together a while or years into a marriage. When there are so many emotions and a ton of history, it can be difficult to see our own contributions. You know, the stuff you did and didn't do.

That's the part you have some control over--the stuff you did.

How you respond to various things is in your power, even if you feel really powerless over what's going on. You decide what to say, what to do, when to act--all of your behaviors. It may sound as if I'm over-simplifying, but this is an important issue. You contribute half of any relationship, romantic, relational or friendship. You get to decide on how you respond to whatever is happening. This is your power. You get to walk away, to stay in and work at being different or to turn your partner/friend into the police.

Think about the Madoff family. They had to respond to significantly bad behavior on Bernie Madoff's part and he was their father, her husband. What would you do if your relative made some REALLY bad choices? Cheated or kill someone? Involved herself in infidelity or beat his kids?

It all gets much murkier when you're in the mix; when you're close to the situation. One of my clients took an open-container ticket for a boyfriend she's no longer with. Already with several DUIs to his discredit, he handed her the can of beer. In hindsight, she feels really stupid for having allowed this, but at the moment, he was her soul mate, the man she shared her life with.
Not so simple.

These kinds of choices are made clearer when you can separate out your part, what you've done or not done. Make sure you're clear on your part. What you contributed to the situation. She wasn't the one with the DUIs, but she did accept the beer from him when the officer stopped them. She has to look at her part.

We all need to learn from our choices--and we need not to beat ourselves up so badly that we can't see the lesson. We've all done foolish things for a variety of reasons. That's just part of being human, but we can choose to learn from our choices, to develop wisdom from what works for us and what doesn't.

You may feel badly about situations, but make sure you forgive yourself and learn from it.

BEING 13 SUCKS * EXCRUTIATING SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS

2011-10-27T11:15:00.000-07:00

"I'm not sure what to do anymore. Many nights I end up crying myself to sleep. My dad never seems to notice anything or care. His main focus is work. If he isn't working, he's on the computer or watching TV. My mom thinks she's doing what's best for us, but I can't seem to see it from her perspective. Whenever I tell my parents or any of my siblings something (that I know is correct), they always argue. She never takes my side. She always takes my dad's side because he "knows what's best." If she doesn't take my dad's side, it's my older sister because she's older and I should listen to her, or my younger sister because she's younger and I should treat her more kindly. I'm 13 and the middle child. It seems like she never really cares about me anymore. My older sister gets all the new clothes and her wardrobe is 3 times as large as mine. I get her hand-me-downs, even though I'm a bigger size than her. My little sister gets new clothes and goes through about 3 sets a day. She never folds her own clothes, so she doesn't care how much she changes. I have the bare minimum. I go through all my clothes in less than a week. I always get stuck doing the chores because my little sister is too young to do it (even though she's 10) and my older sister has too much homework. (I've seen her work. She has about an hour's worth of it.) My little sister is always taking my things without asking. Every time I tell her she needs to ask me first, she throws a big fit and my parents blame me for being too harsh on her. I know my parents do what they think is the best for me, but it just doesn't feel like it. I'm naturally a shy person, too, so I don't have anyone at school who I can talk to about this. It's getting worse really quickly now. PLEASE HELP!"--I think I hate my family

Dear I think,

You're in a bad spot and you have my sympathies. Being the middle child is always difficult, as is being 13. You're just finishing middle school and then you'll head off to high school, which is a big place, aimed toward launching you out into adulthood.

Not knowing your family, I can't dispute anything you're saying, but I'd like to encourage you to forge ahead. You seem bright and articulate. Don't give up on yourself--or on your family--just yet.

Everyone in this is facing challenges, even your younger sister. You're dad and mom are trying to feed you all and keep a roof over your head--not a simple thing in these times. Your older sister--who may very well be a pain to live with--is already in high school, which can be socially challenging as well as academically important. When she graduates, she'll be an adult and that's a pretty scary place. Even if she's sure of what she wants to do for a career, she'll have many difficult choices ahead of her.

Academic/job choices. Relationship choices. Alcohol/drug choices. Even friendships can be deceiving and dangerous.

Your younger sister, too, while seeming like she's got it easy, faces the burden of being the youngest--resented by her siblings and pampered by her parents. She'll have to deal with self-doubt eventually and she may be experiencing that now. Youngest kids are prone to being unsure of their own ability to face the world, having had someone always there before to smooth the way.

So, no one's having a picnic here...although everyone may be better dressed than you.

Your being on the shy side makes this more challenging. I know all about that. Let me encourage you, however. Step out, even when it's scary. I know this is difficult and probably the last thing you want to do. But join a club, get active in your church or in a service organization for kids. Do your homework and make academics work for you.

Then, do the scary thing--smile at other people. This may seem silly and random, but try it. This free, low-calorie activity is amazingly powerful. When you smile at people--kids in your school, people in stores, random neighbors--most of them will smile back. You'll have engaged them. They'll notice you in a good way. Ignore the ones who don't smile back. They're probably locked in their own troubles.

(Also ignore any creepy responses. Perverts live amongst us.)

When you're shy, you tend to be very self-conscious. The trick here is to turn your focus on others. Ask about their hobbies, their weekend activities, their opinions of things at school. Some people will bore the heck out of you; others will become your friends.

I have two daughters and one was so shy she didn't even speak to those she didn't know well, despite having a great vocabulary. There were times her father and I spoke for her, but we went out of our way to encourage her to interface with the world. (We refused to ask for drink refills for her when she was eight and didn't want to talk to the waitress.) She's an adult now and perfectly functional. She's a medical student and has lots of friends.

Be brave, even though things are not always fair. You won't always be a kid and you won't always have such limited wardrobe options--you can step out and make this life your own.

* * *

"EXCRUCIATING SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS"
One of my clients--an intelligent, articulate young guy who doubts himself a lot--described this experience. We even have a diagnosis for it these days--Social Anxiety.

Everyone has moments when they feel stupid and tongue-tied, as goofy and stupid as the folks we see on reality television. Some people, though, are very shy and struggle to interact. They may have panic attacks and bear the symptoms of generalized anxiety. Being introverted isn't terminal, though. It's not a disorder and we shouldn't accept it as such.

This isn't a deep character flaw. If you deal with this, don't let yourself succumb to thinking you'll always be this way or that you have no options. Don't believe there's something wrong with you. Introverts are statistically in the minority, but that doesn't make them disturbed or alter the fact that introversion brings as many gifts as it has awkward aspects.

Learning to manage one's social experience and exposure is part of becoming a well-functioning adult. Know what works for you and helps you be the best person you can be. Some people gain energy from social interaction; others lose energy from lots of interaction with others. This doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. Introverts have a better self-knowledge--nothing to dismiss, let me tell you. Lots of folks struggle because they don't really know themselves.

So, introversion--being shy--isn't a bad or terminal thing. Just learn how to handle who you are. Reach out to those around you and be okay with having personal boundaries. This is your right and your responsibility. You can learn to reach out to others and to give yourself private times. Studies tell us that even the most extroverted among us grows more internal as they get older. Introverts have a greater knowledge of themselves, of their own thoughts and reactions. This can be a tremendous value.

You can do both. Learn to socialize and gain from interacting with others; learn to use your alone time profitably and recharge your power-packs.

DRIVING HER CRAZY

2011-10-20T10:26:00.000-07:00

My husband and I have been married for 8 of our 15 years together and recently, everything has spun so out of control that neither one of us knows each other anymore. The root of the problem is three years ago my husband cheated on me. I know I chose to stay in my marriage and move on with him, so I should deal with this hurt. But it has consumed me so much that I have panic attacks on a daily basis, thinking he is cheating on me again with people I know or people at his work. It's driving me crazy. Every night it's the same thing--he sleeps on the couch and I'm in the bed with our three kids because I don't want to be alone. I love my husband, but I've truly come to hate myself for the emotional breakdowns I have on a daily basis.

Today I felt like I would rather be dead than to be without him. He told me he can't deal with my jealousy issues anymore. I know I have serious issues and I'm to the point of not knowing what to do or who to turn to. I feel so much hate from him toward me. We don't talk normally anymore. When he kisses me on rare occasions, it doesn't seem real and when he tells me he loves me, it feels like just routine words. He swears he's not cheating on me and I believe that, but then he flirts with people right in front of me and makes me feel like he's trying to push my buttons. I again know I have to change, but he's not willing to even try to change or--more importantly--be supportive of my emotional breakdowns. Instead, he just fuels the fire. I'm so lost and confused about what I need to do with my life. I don't want to lose my husband or family, but I can't shake my insecurities. Please help.---B

Dear B,

Of course, you can't shake your insecurities in the marriage, your husband cheated on you. Jealousy in this situation is perfectly normal. He's already proven himself to be unreliable in this department. Trusting him not to be unfaithful again without some sort of change in him and in the relationship, isn't to be expected...except he seems to expect that.

For your own sake and that of your children, I urge you to find a supportive therapist. If money is an issue--and it is for most people these days--look for a therapist who works on a sliding scale.

You're struggling with this still because we can't just wish relationship issues away. Anytime infidelity rears it's ugly head in a relationship, there were problems before the cheating and even more problems after. These need to be dealt with. Your having chosen to stay in the marriage doesn't mean the pain of his betrayal should just disappear. Of course, you're upset.

While you might have a hard time seeing yourself without him, remember that feelings aren't the full reality and that this moment, this struggle won't last forever. It just seems that way, but suicide is a permanent act. Don't hurt yourself today over something that won't be such a large issue next year.

Your kids still need you and love you.

The relationship has issues that have to be addressed if you're going to stay married to the guy. Again, get a therapist. Being married--or committed to another person without legal ties--is one of the hardest things we do in this world. When things are really rough, you need a guide through the forest. Your husband may not be cheating on you now, but it's very natural that you should doubt this and that you are very aware of everything he does and doesn't do. Infidelity makes you hyper-conscious and worried.

Even though your husband did this bad thing and you're struggling to forgive him, you need also to hear from him the problems that existed in the marriage before his infidelity. It's very hard for the wronged spouse to get beyond the hurt to actually hear her mate's complaints about her. After all, he's the dog who went sniffing after someone else.... But if you want a chance at healing the relationship, you have to see what went wrong.

He's the best person to do this with because he's been on the front lines with you. You need to hear what he has to say. I cannot say enough that I know this is very hard. After all, you loved him and he betrayed you. Getting beyond your insecurities means getting beyond this blow to the relationship. Marriages can actually heal after infidelity, but you both have to get into the trenches and work on it.

Sleeping with your kids while he's on the couch isn't doing anyone any good. For one thing, you've drawn the kids into this. It's impossible for children not to be effected by their parents' relationship issues, but having them replace daddy in bed, isn't helping.

I wrote a book entitled "Should I Leave Him?" addressing many of these issues and more. You definitely need to do something for yourself.

Get a counselor. Talk to a profession and listen. Your pain and anxiety is understandable and you deserve some support.

* * *

We are all foster kids in some ways.

When a child has lost even an unsatisfactory home and hearth, it's natural that losing at all becomes an issue. Both my husband and I see foster kids in therapy and they almost always struggle to lose at games. But the desire to be winners, to jump on the winning side, can be seen throughout our culture.

When a sports team begins winning, more people become fans. I live near the home stadium of the Texas Rangers, who won the American League Championship and are now playing in the 2011 World Series. Suddenly, everyone is a fan. Everyone's watching the games on television and wearing the Rangers' logo. Even people who don't normally have much interest in sports want to be identified with a winner.

Because we all have moment when we don't feel like much of a winner.

Foster kids have a hard time accepting that their foster status is not their fault. It had nothing to do with them anymore than all of us local Texas fans had anything to do with the Rangers doing so well. Not our achievement, but we certainly want now to be associated with them.

We want to be winners. This is natural because we associate winning--at games or sports or whatever--with being a good and strong person. Being powerful. Who the heck doesn't want to be powerful?

PUNISHED LOVE LEAVES

2011-10-13T11:13:00.000-07:00

"I am a 25 year old professional working in India. I am in a relationship with a girl of the same age from past 3 years. We are no yet married, but we were staying together for last 1 year. I was down with a nagging chest pain for few months and my entire routine got affected due to that. I tried very hard to go for the job. I still managed with her support an care.

Due to my ill health, my work got affected and my performance came down. I started feeling pressurized from all directions. Although we communicated well, we argued because sometimes she comes home little late after her work. Since the place is not so safe, I used to tell her to leave the office on time. It always happens in the other way. One day, she got very late and lost her way. I was a bit angry on her because she repeated the same despite my warnings. I did not go to pick her up. She came home and did not speak a word. I also kept silent. I knew that she was hurt by my behavior. She did not expect this of me.

I usually don't take out my feelings outside, thinking it might hurt her. I suppressed everything within and one day she asked why am I not loving her the way I used to. For the first time, I raised my voice to her. She felt that I don't give importance to her. I was literally tired of thinking about our marriage, my bad health job and financial commitments. She felt I was angry with her. In fact, I was angry with myself because things were going out of my control.

She told me that she is not interested in continuing the relationship. She moved out, saying she doesn't want to see or talk to me anymore. She doesn't reply to mail or phone calls. I understand she's hurt and I realice that this is my fault. I behaved rudely, but only once. I feel guilty after that incident, but she is not ready to listen to me. She said that she's lost the trust in me, but I need her in my life.

Please extend your support in the form of advice or actions to heal my relationship with my love."--H

Dear H,

I don't think there's much you can do that you haven't already tried. Be honest with yourself, though. This was more than a one-time argument. You've had multiple stressors--what with ill health and job demands--and it's understanable that you've been distressed, but your actions in the relationship haven't helped.

You've been a jerk to her. When we are distressed, we tend to take it out on those closest to us. The ones who love us the most.

You didn't pick her up when she was lost and called you for help. You said yourself that you were angry because she hadn't listened to your warnings. Your frustration about this is understandable, but your behavior was out of line. You may have see this as the consequences of her actions, that she would learn from her bad choices, but she felt unloved. You've been withdrawn from her--as evidenced by her asking if you still loved her--and then there was the one time you yelled at her.

You may be very upset about having lost the relationship, but it's probably gone too far. Relationships die when we abuse and ignore the ones we love. Now, your best bet is to respect her wishes not to talk with you.

Listen to what she wants. Act as if her decisions, her desires are important to you...even if you don't like what she's decided.

* * *

We counselors hear it a lot--couples in trouble say they have developed "trust issues." While the term isn't very clear, it usually means the same thing. They don't feel safe and loved in the relationship anymore.

This usually happens after a breach: Someone cheats, lies or abuses the other person.

You can't flip a switch and instantly heal a broken relationship. It just doesn't work this way and once doubt enters into a love connection, there's trouble in River City. Whether or not it feels like you should have earned brownie points for all the time you were loving and loyal and non-abusive, your actions have now damaged the relationship.

Healing in relationships is a matter of serious change combined with time. The wrong-doer(possibly both of you) has to behave differently for more than a week or a month. It'll probably be even longer before your love feels safe in the relationship again. Things have to change. The difficulty with bouncing back after an assault of this nature is that relationships are so intimate, so vital, so much to the core of who you are--this person loves you and that love is supposed to protect you from hurt and pain. Right?

When the very person who loves you most does a horrible, scary, unacceptable thing, it hurts badly. Trust is damaged. This is the time to learn to communicate clearly--really listen, really learn to say what you need to say. Communicating clearly is challenging and vital.

I'll bet your partner has lots to say.

GIRLFRIEND'S DIRTY KIDS

2011-10-06T10:06:00.000-07:00

"I need some advice about issues with by girlfriend's children that are 16, 19 & 20 and her mother, who lives with us. I find that the children and mother-in-law are lazy and I am constantly having to clean up after them with many issues, such as towels left on counters, and mostly dishes. Many times I have cleaned a sink full of dishes and the kitchen, just to go back to the kitchen an hour later and find that the kids have finally brought dirty dishes from their rooms and just left them in the sink. I have asked them repeatedly to put their dishes in the dishwasher, just to hear them say that that this isn't their chore and that if we wanted them to do that, we need to pay them chore money.

Am I being too picky, asking them to clean up after themselves? This is what my girlfriend and her mother tell me?--PK

Dear PK,

Nope, you're not being too picky, but clearly your asking the kids to change their ways isn't helping. Who will clean up after them when they move out on their own? Two are already legally adults and the third is so close to adult that she'd be tried as one if she committed a major crime.

You're in a tough spot, though, and the biggest problem isn't with your girlfriend's kids, it's with you and her.

I'm going to guess that you love your girlfriend or you wouldn't continue living in such an uncongenial state, but the two of you really need to start addressing some of the problems within the home. You obviously don't have a clear understanding of the structure in the home and haven't decided who is responsible for what.

There may be things you didn't mention--like you possibly being unemployed while she, her mother and the kids are all working outside the home. In that case, the employed mate sometimes feels the unemployed mate should pick up the slack at home. But this may not be the case at all. Regardless of other factors, you and the girlfriend as the adults in the home--mother-in-law aside--are the foundation of this blended family. If you work together, you'll have a much more harmonious home. If not, you get conflict like the one you're having.

Housework--who does it, when it's done and how clean a home is kept--is one of the biggest conflicts couples face. This is a bigger deal than most people feel like it should be, but many relationship issues come into play here. You need to have a serious discussion about how you want the home kept. Don't always assume everyone feels the same about cleanliness as you. There's a huge range. Some highly intelligent people just don't care. They do their laundry when they run out of socks and underwear, not before. They wash dishes when there's nothing clean left to use. Others are appalled by this, feeling dishes should be cleaned immediately after use and laundry done on a regular schedule.

You and your girlfriend need first to talk about and resolve how you want to keep your environment. I like making my bed; my husband doesn't care. Not everyone feels the same. Then when this is worked out, you need to deal with the issue of who does what. Some people are used to cleaning up after their children; others give the kids extensive chores.

In this case, your girlfriend might want to ask herself if she's really being a helpful parent. I believe that allowing young adults to maintain irresponsible, self-defeating behaviors is the opposite of love. Your girlfriend isn't doing her kids any favor by continuing to pick up after them. Real life doesn't usually provide maid service and they'll find this out soon enough.

* * *

When one of my daughters started her medical degree, she lived with her dad and I, just having left a relationship. Medical school is incredibly difficult, requiring a huge amount of study and effort. So caring for regular life chores fell on our shoulders. We cleaned up after her kitten, did the grocery shopping and took care of her laundry as well as ours.

She was starting medical school, for heaven's sake.

But then after six months or so under our roof, she found a roommate with a small house close to the school and she moved out. We missed her and worried that she'd have too much on her plate, but in reality, the girl needs to do her own laundry. There's something empowering about maintaining the regular rhythms of life whether it's laundry, filling your car's tank with gas or buying groceries.

In truth, we parents sometimes just want to be helpful. Yes, kids are sometimes frustrating, annoying jerks, but most parents have no problem going out of their way to assist their kids in being more successful. It's what we want. We just need to realize that in addition to creating friendships and dating relationships, taking care of themselves is part of kids learning to be an adult.

It's important that children believe in their own capacity. They need to know they can work through issues and deal with the tough stuff that comes their way. Don't get me wrong, parents are still really, really important. Recently my daughter told me in a matter-of-fact voice that her dad is absolutely the best dad ever. And he is. He fills her car's tank with gas and gets the oil changed when it's due. He takes walks with her when she comes over, asks about her studies and always is interested in what she's doing. When she had her first fender-bender a year of so ago, we both rushed to the spot in response to her call.

We love her enough to know she needs to make her way in the world, though, and to be sure of her own strength. You don't get that by someone else always doing things for you.

CONVENIENCE STORE COMFORT

2011-09-29T11:08:00.000-07:00

A client of mine recently spoke about his depression and his tendency to isolate himself. The one thing he did regularly was to visit a convenience store near his home. He liked to go there and get a drink, talk to the clerks and, in that way, get out of himself and his dark moments for just a little.

In a world with troubled, flawed relationship interactions, our brief personal contacts gain an even greater value. We human beings are very impacted by small moments. A study of this years ago had librarians make fleeting physical contact with some patrons--a brief tough of fingers when books were passed back and forth--and then these library patrons were interviewed as they exited the building. Those in the group that were briefly touched by the librarians had a significantly higher opinion of the library services. The only difference in the groups studied was that touch.

We crave and value human contact, both physical and social. We also struggle with this very thing. Relationships can be conflicted and unpleasant, but we need them, of some sort.

It is central to human nature--many many studies confirm this--to feel better, to value life more, to be more optimistic, when we have some level of positive interactions with other human beings. This can be seen in the large number of ways we seek involvement with people from the vast numbers of singles looking for relationships on dating websites, to the rallying behind winning sports teams, the involvement in clubs focusing on various hobbies and activities, the flourishing of social interaction on Facebook(and similar sites) and even in the tendency some have to engage in random sexual contact through sex clubs.

We all want to be significant to someone, to be winners, to feel we're not alone.

Recognize this about yourself and learn to satisfy your own needs in ways that fit your lifestyle and values. Even self-help groups like AA have a big social component. The thinking behind this is that individuals helping individuals can ease the struggles of all. Reaching out to other people helps us feel better.

This can become burdensome when we struggle to craft a social interaction that fits our needs. You might start this off by recognizing the interactions you do have. Even as small an interchange as smiling as you pass by others can lift your spirits and bring you positive social response. The smiling thing is way bigger than you may think. In general, we rush along tending to the business of our lives and fail to even acknowledge those around us. Strangers in large cities may have learned not to respond to random folk, but being nice to a store clerk or a waiter isn't likely to draw you into an unwanted interaction.

Look at the people around you. They need interaction, too. Like you, they are hesitant to initiate what may be unwelcome notice, but this is a risk that can bring big rewards. Try it out. You can start in the most innocuous ways...just smile. Make the slightest of contacts with the person who gives you your change. You're not demanding anything, just offering. Not everyone will respond. Some are too caught up in their own lives and we don't need to condemn them. But others will smile back or thank you more warmly for your business.

Let yourself be a gift to the people who come into contact with you. You'll benefit, too.

STEP-MOM 911

2011-09-23T16:35:00.000-07:00

"I am a step-mom. My husband and I got married 1 1/2 years ago and I don't have any kids of my own, nor do I plan on having any. I really like and love my step-kids. I formed a healthy bond with them when we dated for over a year. I consider us friend and I do 'step-mom' things like cook dinner, take them to social events and school, do fun things together, talk, laugh and listen. All that and this is still a very difficult role. My husband and his ex- have been divorced for about eight or nine years. The kids were very young. The divorce was extremely high conflict and very expensive for my husband. There is still tons of dislike between them and there has never been any co-parenting on their parts.

My husband is a "fun dad". The kids adore him. They've never had chores and never picked up after themselves. At least, not at their dad's, but they do at their mom's house. He worries so much about them not wanting to come to our house (for no reason except is is a looming possibility in his mind that could lead to more court dates and more $$).

Recently, my 11 year old step-daughter has decided she can't go to sleep alone. She cries and comes in our bedroom over and over again throughout the night, waking us up. Sometimes my husband will read her to sleep, then fall asleep in her bed. He wakes up in the middle of the night and comes back to our bed. It makes for very interrupted sleep for us both. This is happening on a regular basis and is making for some tired, grumpy adults. We both need sleep!!!

We don't talk about it because my husband doesn't "know how much it will help." I say we have to talk about this. Otherwise, too much resentment builds up. His daughter and her mom sleep together every night when she is with her mom and that just makes it more difficult at our house.

I feel very powerless. I know the step-parent role is more supportive than anything else, but when my husband constantly tries to please and entertain the kids the entire time they are with us, what am I supposed to do? Everything is on hold when the kids are with us. We have to find a way to balance happy kids with a happy marriage."

Dear Powerless,

As you know, the problem here starts with your husband and you. His daughter is struggling to cope with very different parenting situations and she's getting the raw end of this deal--as are you.

First off, dad needs to realize that structure, expectations and consequences help kids feel safe with you. If he's so focused on entertaining them, he's not giving them a strong, safe haven--they don't feel secure and this is contributing to your step-daughter's anxiety issues. Dad needs to help his children get ready for life (and worry less about his bank balance). Kids need to participate in household chores because they're part of the household. This is part of self-confidence and will help them move forward into a strong adulthood.

But you know a lot of this. You just can't get your husband to see it. Since he won't even talk with you about this issue, I recommend you go to therapy yourself, inviting your husband to come with you, if he will. The longer you let this relationship disconnect continue, the more like the marriage will develop even larger problems.

BTW, a good therapist can also help your step-daughter deal with her fears. She needs someone objective on her side.

* * *

Children need both power and security. They deserve both. This means they need the security that comes through consistency and follow-through. Even if they don't like you insisting they follow certain rules, your doing so helps them to feel than can rely on you. You're strong enough to stand up to them, so you're probably strong enough to protect them.

Parents who are weenies with their kids and never want to be the bad guy just conveys to the kids that they're basically alone--as small as they are--in a big world. Heck, if you can't stand up to your child, you don't seem like you're very tough.

In addition to the safety of having a reliable, consistent system in the home, kids need to experience their own personal power. They need some--not all, but some--things they get to decide about. When my younger daughter was six, she put her hand on her hip and ask why I cared about whether she picked up her room--it was her room. I know from having talked to a lot of parents that this is one area they feel they should have the right to be the most powerful, but what the kid said made sense to me. It was her room.

From that day forward we instituted another system--she was to keep her stuff out of the public areas(living room, kitchen, shared bathroom) because the rest of the family lived there, but she could keep her own room any way she wanted (Power!) The only stipulation on this was that there was to be no food in her room as that would attract bugs which would effect the rest of us.

The kid was absolutely right. I didn't live in her room, she did. Why did she have to keep it to my specifications? For eight long years, her room was hugely messy. I'm talking shoes and clothes on the floor. Piles of them. I never cleaned it up or insisted she do so. I also never went into the mess, looking for what she lost--if she wanted to live that way, she had to deal with losing things.

When she was fourteen, though, I came home to find her room spotless. She was going off to high school and she felt the need to organize her life some. Good for her.

I don't advocate letting kids run your life or even their own lives. Although we allowed her to keep her room the way she wanted, we followed through consistently with other issues. When she was doing Vision Therapy to deal with an inherited tendency toward dyslexia, I enforced her doing those activities like I was a Nazi. Her learning to read was a way bigger deal than whether her room was clean.

To this day, sometimes she's messy. I don't really care. She's not messing up my home and she's reaching an even bigger goal--she's in medical school.

I strongly advocate that we let our kids find and maintain their own personal power. This can be done without compromising their health or their welfare and it's massively important to help them realize their own strength.

RELATIONSHIP BENEFITS

2011-09-15T11:47:00.000-07:00

Many studies report that having relationships helps your health, but they do more than that if you're working it right.

Relationships, however, can also help us be better people. Our interactions with others can be irritating, annoying--even maddening--but our closest relationships can also be very fulfilling and highly educational. We learn the most in relationships. I've long held that the hardest things we do on this earth are parenting and intimate relationships. More than brain surgery and rocket science. Not everyone chooses to parent(absolutely their choice), but most people engage in some kind of intimacy with a significant other.

We are at our best and our worst with those closest to us and this makes these intimate interactions frequently complicated. Anyone who says relationships are simple, aren't paying attention.

In order to gain from our relationships, however, we have to let go of the desire to always be right. No one is always right. As a matter of fact, this isn't even the most important issue. We need to be able to express our experiences and feelings to our loved ones and to hear what they feel, as well.

The "Right-ness" of the conflicts between you falls somewhere between you and him. We all have valid perspectives. Too often though, it seems as if the other person being right means you're "wrong", which feels bad. No one wants to be somewhere they're always wrong. Remember that when you're fighting with your mate, trying to be right more than he is. If you're right all the time, then he's wrong all the time. This just feels bad. Not only will he feel misunderstood, but he won't want to be with you.

Who wants to be wrong all the time?

When you listen to your mate's perspective, you'll hear some things you don't like. This is unavoidable. Hopefully, your mate won't come at you with a judgemental "you suck" approach, but he's bound to see some things and some interactions differently than do you. He won't like some of the things you do or don't do and he'll feel hurt sometimes. But you still need to hear him.

The challenging part about communication in relationship is tuning into the other person's reality without completely denying your own.

You're feelings and perspective matters, too. What you experience, what you feel--these are very important things. Letting go of an absolute right/wrong perspective helps us to understand the other guy's experience. Everybody has some valid points. The secret here is that understanding leads to openness, which is therapy-speak for "he's more likely to hear you if he feels you hear him."

Early in my own marriage, my husband told me that when we fought he felt like he had a Civil War cannon and I had a machine gun. This wasn't easy to hear, but it was very, very important. The guy felt seriously out-gunned every time we talked about anything important. He felt like I wasn't listening and that he couldn't win. This wasn't at all what I wanted, so I learned to talk slower and I try to listen to what he's saying, even if I don't like it.

When you're listening to your partner's take on things, he'll make observations about your behavior and some of the things he says will upset you. You will have a powerful urge to deny this--He's wrong! You never did those things! You certainly never meant the things he says you probably meant! Think about it, though. How do you feel when you have stuff to say to him? You want him to listen to what you're saying, not tell you all the reasons you're wrong. His defensiveness signals to you that he's not listening. This is undoubtedly not what he's trying to convey, but he feels attacked by your observations(accurate though they may be) and he's trying to "explain" them away. His trying to explain just lead to you not feeling listened to.

So, don't defend yourself or explain when he's talking to you. This is really tough, but it's really, really important. You probably need to take a serious look at what he's saying about your behavior. This is one of the major benefits of relationships--they help us learn to be better people.

IN-LAW DRAMA

2011-09-08T10:26:00.000-07:00

"How do you deal with in-laws who don't like you? My boyfriend 'John' and I have been together for 37 years on and off and have been living together for 20 years. I have done nothing to my in-laws in the past to make them dislike me. I am 11 years younger than my boyfriend and in the beginning he was nice enough to pay for several semesters of my college. They think I'm with him for his money, but he really doesn't have much. I could work and easily support myself, but that doesn't impress them.

John is diabetic and they say I don't do enough for him.... He is also handicapped and I do try to assist him, but when I reach to him, they jump on me telling me that he can do it himself. When I don't try to help him, they step in and help him themselves. Seems I can't win.

His younger sister recently came for a visit from out-of-state. She would not stay at our house and she invited him out for lunch or dinner, telling him I was not invited.

I've had words with his brother and his other sister about his diabetes care. Although he blood sugar is still not where his doctors suggest, I have been doing all I can, making his meals sugar-free and keeping starches at a minimum. John says to ignore his family, that I can't change how they are, but with his diabetes getting worse, I could use their help.

I feel shaky after we had words with his brother and sister. Earlier in the month, a friend of mine committed suicide and I was laid-off in August. My dog of fifteen years won't be with us for much longer, either, and this family stuff adds to the problems. I feel sick all the time and I've lost my appetite.

John has been good to me, supporting me and even told his brother to leave our house when he insulted me. I think his mom liked me (but who knows what she said when not in my presence). We were all getting along pretty well before she passed away. Now it seems their attention has turned to my boyfriend, like they need to take care of him now that his mom is gone. It's like I don't exist. Please tell me how to cope."--N.

Dear N,
My condolences on the loss of John's mother and the death of your friend. John's family is struggling and grieving and behaving really badly toward you. Even if they don't like you much, John's relationship choices are his own. After all this time, it's not likely that they can make you go away. They need to butt out.

You're right, you can't win, so let it go. You can't make people like you. You've tried with no luck.
If John's diabetes gets worse, let him ask his siblings for assistance. This isn't your job. Focus on living your life with John. His supporting you in the face of his siblings' bad behavior is golden.

* * *

Lots of people are anxious--about money, job loss, terrorist plots. Anxiety disorders are on the increase with as many as 40 million people reporting anxiety issues. These can be intense and debilitating and range from a generalized on-going fear of bad things happening to full blown panic attacks that send you to the emergency room, feeling like you're having a heart attack.

There's no question that our world faces many issues and that disasters, both natural and man-made, are disturbing our lives.

The real trouble comes in, however, when you face a "normal" day and yet nothing feels normal. You can have these fears and anxieties with no apparent threat and that's even more surreal. Some people worry that they're losing their minds or developing life-altering mental illnesses.

Before you decide that you're going over the edge, though, you need to take a deep breath and consider a few things.

You are stronger than you feel. Don't forget this. You're capable, functional and intelligent. You don't always feel this way, but you are more capable than you give yourself credit for. Even though you have moments of fear, you're still you.

Anxiety is an emotion. You don't want to disregard this sometimes paralyzing feeling, but you need to put it in context. This is a feeling like happiness, sadness and anger. All emotions. Feelings add color--dark and light--to life, but they aren't the complete, total reality. Just a part of it.

Some people have anxiety because they're afraid they can't deal with life--they just don't see their successes. The things they handle well. This is the largest percentage of anxiety sufferers. Those who don't see their own strengths.

A smaller group have waves of anxiety when not attending to their emotional lives. Some just disregard the impactful events around them, telling themselves they ought not be upset. Let's be clear--when your job is laying people off or your parents are struggling with health issues, it's very natural to feel anxiety and fear. Sometimes anxiety is just your emotions knocking at the door, wanting to to acknowledge to yourself what you feel. Natural, normal feelings.

Either way, anxiety isn't going to kill you. I don't mean this to sound at all diminishing of your experience. The emotions are real and powerful. As a young adult, I had panic attacks myself. I know some of this terrain. I only say the emotion won't kill you to encourage you to realize that you're okay. You might not feel okay, but you are. You really are.

Whether you need to see your successes--to acknowledge to yourself that you're capable--or if you need to recognize that you're in a stressful, anxiety situation, you can handle this. It doesn't have to control your life or stay with you forever.

Have some faith in yourself. You're really an okay person.

FACE YOUR FEAR

2011-09-01T10:26:00.000-07:00

All of us have fears, things we really don't want to happen. No matter how strong and positive you see yourself as or simply try to be, fear is a natural emotion and it can haunt your dreams and cripple your waking hours.
You may fear for loved ones--your children, your mate, your parents--or for yourself.
Therapists have seen a rise in the number of clients paralyzed by anxiety and fear. Some have full blown panic attacks and a number of these folks head first to emergency rooms, convinced they're having a heart attack. More and more people take medication to cope with this gripping sense of dread and, let's be honest, life can be pretty scary. Many have money issues and relationship issues and some just can't get out of bed.
The frustrating thing about the most extreme version of this--anxiety disorders--is that the vise that grips most sufferers is a fear that they again will be consumed by fear. It sounds ironic and even silly to those not dealing with it, but this is no joke.
Even the garden-variety fears, those that don't cripple you, can still have way too much power and trigger you to make choices you wouldn't otherwise. This can be a factor in the education you pursue--fear of not making good enough grades, of not being good enough at a profession--leads many individuals to the jobs they fall back on. Some fear not making the grade and they they don't go to school. Some when in school choose majors that they feel are less rigorous and more achievable.
Nothing wrong with deciding where you want to put your energy and where you don't, but when the decision is based on your fear that you won't succeed, well, that's another matter. Sadly this is a factor in relationship choice, as well. How many of you are dating a fall-back? Someone less interesting or less attractive to you.
The fear of failing is a monster that consumes some of us and can paralyze an individual to the point of not trying. They live with the motto that not trying is less risky than trying and failing.
Not so.
If fear of failure haunts you, you need to address the reality that all of us fail. We all fall down, but the biggest failure is letting this control you. In learning to walk, the average toddler falls ten thousand times. 10,000 falls. No one would suggest, however, that the toddler just give it up.
The truth is that we will all lose loved ones to death and relationship failure. We'll be fired or laid off. We'll face romantic rejection after rejection. Life can be a bitch and accepting that reality helps us to see that it's not just us that are messing up. Everyone does. Some are just better at hiding this.
I am the parent of two children. All through their childhood years, the elder was the most spectacular in her screw-ups and failures. The younger screwed up too, she was just less visible with her mistakes. External versus internal. Remember that when comparing yourself to others--some are just less visible.
We all fail. We all grapple with the complications of living in this world. It's non-negotiable.
Most often the biggest achievements, the greatest accomplishments, are earned through our facing our biggest fears. Never let yourself think that courage isn't in feeling no fear. Courage is in not being controlled by fears, in doing it anyway.
Although educational and career achievements often involve this kind of courage, relationships present the biggest opportunity for us to deal with our fears. Some of us fear losing and we therefore have power struggles that kill relationships. Some fear restrictions--wanting to always be free--and we resist committing to relationships because that requires shutting other doors. Some of us want certainty always, which isn't achievable in this world.
Moving ahead despite fear brings us a greater sense of achievement, even if things don't work out exactly the way we want.
Facing your fears can prove to you that you are strong, that you can handle difficult moments. Don't think you'll ever get to a place where you have no fear, just go ahead even though you're frightened inside. Have some faith in yourself.

FOR THEIR OWN GOOD

2011-08-25T09:59:00.000-07:00

"I have been married now eleven years to my high school sweetheart. We have four boys between the ages of 11 and one. About five months ago my father-in-law died after being diagnosed with cancer. Since then my husband has had to take over his business and he hasn't been able to grieve. He refuses to get professional help and has become very verbally aggressive toward me. I love him dearly, but I can't hold on for too long. His behavior had affected our marriage severely and it affects our boys."--signed Help

Dear Help,

Accept my condolences on your family's loss. It sounds like this sad situation has shaken everything up. You're right that your husband is struggling with his grief, but there's still a result for his bad treatment of you. My recommendation is that you go for counseling by yourself. He may eventually join you and even if he doesn't, you could use the support. You're stressed too. Just having four young children makes for intensive parenting, not including the loss you've suffered. Sadly for you, this is a double loss--your father-in-law and your husband due to his grief and stress.

You're right that the situation isn't good for your children. Seeing you accept verbal abuse is abusive to them. Check out the recent literature on child trauma. Maybe your husband is so consumed in his own grief that he can't see the harm his actions are having, but this needs attention before the family falls apart.

* * *

Years ago when my daughter was small, she developed an illness that required longterm medication. She hated the taste of it and would run when it was time to take her dose. To get her to swallow the medicine, I actually had to pin her between my straddled knees to the floor and force it into her mouth.

Talk about trauma...and I don't mean trauma for her! She has no memory of the experience, but I sure do.

Not long ago, this same now-adult daughter had a kitten hanging around her apartment, clearly without a home or owners to care for it. Our family loves cats. But because she already has two kitty-buddies, she couldn't take in this new feline, no matter how cute it was. To her grave sadness, she knew she had to capture the kitten and deliver it to a shelter where someone else would hopefully adopt it.

This bruised her soft heart and she felt like she was actually betraying the kitten who let her close enough to capture it. Love is like that. Sometimes loving things look like mean things.
Loving others can be very difficult and we do things we hate having to do. No one talks about it much, but parenting involves quite a few of these moments. Incidents when the adult in the relationship has to do difficult things for the kids' own good. (There are parents who do bad things to their kids, claiming pure motives, but most of us really aren't that twisted.) Most of us love our kids with all our hearts and want only the very best for them.

Sadly, this requires us to insist they eat their vegetables, finish their homework and pick up their toys, none of which they like sometimes and none of which they want to do. But it's part of the parenting job description to insist on those things that are good for our kids, even if the kids don't like them.

We have many, many examples of parents and others treating kids badly--this is largely what Child Protective Services watches out for--but we also have an often unacknowledged reality to this parenting job. Sometimes we have to insist on our children doing things they don't want to do. In some cases, the kids have annoyed us to the point that following through isn't that hard--the little jerks deserve it! But sometimes we just hate being the bad guy, the one who administers punishments and lays down the law.

This is particularly true when the other parent is only too glad to be the good one, the fun parent, the one who never makes the kids do anything they don't want to do. But you know the truth that we all do things we don't want to do. Kids are smaller and weaker, but they still need to learn the lesson that others care most about actions and they'll get a lot further by taking care of responsibilities even when these aren't fun.

We all do things we don't want to do.

You, after all, probably go to work, sometimes at a job that doesn't value you or pay you near what your worth, but you do it to put food on the table and clothes on those kids you love so much. Some lessons are hard, but children need parents who love them enough to be the bad guy, to introduce them to shampoo and broccoli.

They may want cartoons, sugary cereal and toys strewn all over. They need you to follow through.

SNOOPING LEADS TO HURT FEELINGS

2011-08-18T10:57:00.000-07:00

"I found an open email layed flat on my mother's desk. I thought I was superclose with my brother and sisters....until...I read [her] private email and I found myself in total shock as to how they gossiped badly about me, my married life and how I raise my children. They passed judgement. I went on reading everything entirely and they criticized me terribly. I was royally hurt. My own brother labeled me a schizophrenic.

Do you thing this is a sign of hatred towards me? Why on earth would a family member do such a thing? I don't talk negatively about them.

My husband doesn't want me to reconcile with anyone in my family. I am at a loss. I'm worried that if my husband runs into my brother in public, there will be an ugly fight. My husband is ready to punch him in the face. He is the strong one and he's always reminding me to ignore them.

Do you feel strongly that my siblings were wrong to do that behind our backs?"--Upset and Wondering About Family Counseling

Dear Upset,

Yes, they were wrong to email their opinions around to other family members...and yes, you were wrong to read your mother's private email, even though it was lying on her desk in her bedroom.

We all have private opinions of our siblings' mates and if we're smart we'll keep our mouths shut about this. Even when the sibling in question asks your opinion, be very hesitant to give it. This is a very personal matter and one that's got hard feelings written all over it.

If you'd never read that email--snooping where you didn't belong--you'd have no idea that your brother and sisters felt this way and you'd go along living your life. Your relationship with your husband is your business, just like their marriages are their business. None of us get to vote on how others should live their lives or who they choose to be with.

Now that the situation's been split open by the email being left out and by your reading it, you have to decide what to do with your family interaction. You're understandably upset right now and your husband feels horribly mistreated, but you need to decide whether you want to be a voluntary orphan from now on. Are you ready to never speak to these people again? Even if some one's having a baby or lying in a hospital bed dying?

Most people have a hard time disconnecting completely even from family members who've been directly abusive. Your family's actions were ill-judged and indiscreet, but not really abusive. Still, it's hard to undo this kind of mess.

If you decide you still want them in your life in some capacity, you have to accept that they'll have private opinions about your relationship, your children and your hairstyle. As long as these are kept private, why should they trouble you? You've had moments, too, when you didn't see why they made the choices they've made.

Healing the breach or not is your call. I'm guessing although your husband was offended by what you read in the email, he'll probably be okay if you're okay. He'll probably go along with whatever you decide.

I recommend that if you try counseling or other means to put your family back together, you don't address specifically what you read in the email. While you may want to defend yourself against these accusations, it's pointless and a waste of time. Once again, everyone has their opinions.

Trust me, trying to talk about this won't go well.

Getting on with being a family will require you all to decide that you're important to one another...then agree to disagree. Agree also never to discuss any of these very personal matters. Everyone raises their kids the way they think best. Unless Child Protective Services needs to get involved, keep quiet about your opinions. This goes for marriages, too. Although some struggle with this, biological ties don't give the right to tell you what to do. Or you to tell them, either.

Although it'll probably go against your wounded grain to admit this, you were wrong to read the email. Your mom was wrong to invite you into her bedroom where the poisonous email lie open on her desk and your siblings were wrong to have sent it in the first place.

Everyone has at least a small portion of responsibility for the mess. You can walk away from the family with which you felt "superclose" before this or you can move forward, remembering that even those you love and who love you, aren't perfect.

* * *

It always gives me a pain when people grieve relatives who've died, but who they couldn't live peaceably with in this world.

While having relationships is the hardest thing we do, they're also the most potentially rewarding challenge you'll ever face. This doesn't mean that some relationships don't need to end. Some really do. If you weigh the good versus the bad--honestly--and you come to the realization that the relationship in question is costing you more than it brings you, then definitely end it. Just walk away.

Sadness typically comes with this decision. Not grieving the relationship the way it was, but the way it could have been, the way you wished it was.

But when a relationship falls into the gray area and you're just accustomed to the way it's been, you might want to give some consideration to where it fits in your life. Think hard about who is really important to you. Who you'd miss terribly if they were no longer in this world. Even siblings with whom you've always squabbled or parents who you've taken for granted may be missed horribly when they're gone.

We need to behave now as if we value the relationships we do actually value. It can be habit not to ever talk about love or friendship. We sometimes avoid awkward moments, times when we feel foolish or silly saying sappy things, but don't wait until the ones we care about are dead. Don't let yourself think vaguely that they'll always be here. Funerals are a lousy time to realize how much the deceased meant to you.

THE 3RD DATE RULE

2011-08-11T10:51:00.000-07:00

The fallacy behind this is the assumption that you will know your dates by the third time you see him. Most relationships break-up over conflicts in how money is handled, followed closely by sex, children, in-laws and religion. I'd guess that disagreements over who does household chores make a close sixth.

Really...how much of this do you know about a person after the third date?

When the 3rd date rule is called in to play, individuals almost always have their sites set on creating relationships. They say they're looking for someone to share their lives with. That's the goal, not just sex.

The longing for emotional and sexual connection is almost universal. It's human nature to want to love and be loved. Lots of singles--and some marrieds!--populate a slew of on-line dating sites, looking for that intimate connection. Someone special. This primal search for mates has evolved into including the 3rd date rule for sex. Some individuals extend this to five dates, but that's no better than three.

If you want to jump into getting intimate with a guy you don't know--and there are people who seek this kind of non-intimate intimacy--just go for it. Why wait three dates? Sex with strangers provides limited benefits, but some people seek this because they view it as less emotionally risky. If they relegate intercourse to the level of, say, tennis, there is less chance of getting hurt.

For most people sexual intimacy changes relationships. Sex complicates things when the emotions in physical intimacy become part of the mix. Too-early and the activity can burden interactions with all kinds of expectations. While the term "dating" once meant spending time with a person and didn't imply any commitment, now dating usually involves sex and there is almost always expectation of faithfulness. Going outside the dating relationship for sex, whether it be physical or not, is considered cheating.

Sex is rarely simple--lots of people want it to be and some use porn because it offers eroticism without relationship. But the complications of sexual interaction--the feelings that come with it--also bring a richer reward: You matter to someone. Porn can't give you that.

We have our most intense emotions with those we love, both the warm, snuggly kind and the scary mad kind. We are our best and worst with the ones we love the most--those who are closest to the volcano, so to speak. Relationships are highly complicated and the struggle to work these out is universal. They offer not only the intense release of sexual interaction, but the chance to learn what we need to learn. We learn best in relationships and we hurt the most when they splinter.

Having healthy relationships requires us to learn to listen(this is much more difficult than it sounds) and to talk about our own feelings and desires. We have to learn to do these things in order to maintain good interactions, to keep feeling close and connected over the long-haul.

The hardest things we do in this world are relationship-oriented: parenting and marriage. Harder than brain surgery and rocket science. Think of it this way--you deserve the mess involved in loving someone. Relationships are difficult and annoying, but the rewards are tremendous. Not just better sex, but a better you. You learn about yourself and about how to interact better with others. Relationships teach us amazing things.

Just don't think you're going to get there by the 3rd date.

BREAK-UP SAVY

2011-08-04T10:23:00.000-07:00

Okay this is a topic you never want to have to know about...but you may need.

When a couple hits more snags than they can stand, they often call it off. They break-up. This is an ugly process and this is often when couples seek counseling. They also go back to church, but that's another topic. So, if your relationship is teetering on the brink, listen-up. Here's what to do and not do.

Don't try to decide who's at fault:

This is a pointless process because you've both contributed to the problems. Even if one really contributed by cheating or otherwise betraying the relationship, everyone gives something to a relationship. As the saying goes, it takes two to tango.

Don't Make promises that won't be kept:

Whether you make these to yourself or to your mate, don't commit to anything you probably won't do. In the throes of breaking up, we're inclined to feel desperate and to let that desperation push us into stuff. Don't agree to anything that you'll later resent and regret--moving, changing jobs, sending a child to live with the other parent, etc.

Don't ever talk about this to you mate's parents:

This is really hard, particularly when you think his or her parents like you a bunch and may keep your mate in the relationship. Don't. Please don't try to get your mate's parents on your side. Even if she/he cheated or did other bad things. Her parents are her parents. If they have to choose sides--which is typically the case in a break up--they'll choose their own child 99% of the time. This is normal. They love their child no matter what you say she/he's done.

Don't cry to the parents. Don't tattle to them. This won't help and it'll probably backfire on you.

Don't pull your kids into the break up:

Don't ask them to choose who to live with if they're under eighteen. Don't try to get them on your side. Be kind. This is your mess, your relationship difficulty. The kids didn't make this mess. Don't expect them to get you out of it.

Don't stay out of fear:

Lots and lots of us are afraid to be alone and stay in unhealthy relationships because we want to hear another voice in the same living space. Doing this, though, is acting as if you have nothing to offer. It is based in lack of self-belief. You have the capacity to handle life. Trust yourself.

Being in a relationship out of default or staying until you hook up with someone else will only shrink your self-esteem. You deserve better.

Do try to be honest with yourself:

Every struggle in your life presents opportunities. I know, I hate this too, but even if you really dislike this reality, you need to grab the good from the bad situation. There's lots here for you to learn. Stuff you need to know to keep from repeated the same disaster over and over. After all, you want to move on to other life lessons, right?

You need to see what you contributed to the break-up and be gentle with yourself. Even the best of us make mistakes...usually lots of them. The best you can do is learn from them.

Do go see a therapist:

This may seem self-serving of me since I am a therapist, but stick with me here. The unbiased nature of the job is part of a therapist or counselor's job description. Yes, you'll find therapists who insist you should stay in the marriage or that you should leave the relationship--there are variants to everything--but generally therapists will very readily acknowledge that this is your life. We get to comment-reflect-understand-ask questions.

You get to choose.

Think of it this way--if we got to tell you what to do all the time, we'd have to carry the blame for all the choices, good and bad, that our clients make. This is unreasonable and dangerous. You get to live your own life. We just offer perspective and tools for dealing with various situations.

Isn't that what you need? Someone who's not in the middle of the mess?

The Hard-But-Helpful Question:

Ask yourself if the relationship brings you more than it costs you. Simple equation; not necessarily simple situation.

Break-ups suck, but sometimes we need them to help us move forward.

TOO SMART FOR ABUSE?

2011-07-28T12:33:00.000-07:00

This is one of those things that always happens to the other person, not you. We have the image that the abused are uneducated and poor, generally unable to get out and make their lives better. This is sadly sometimes true, but not always.

Abuse happens to the educated, too. Those from good homes and in nice circumstances can find themselves in relationships that struggle and fracture. This kind of domestic conflict can lead to abusive moments, even though you don't see yourself as the typical victim. Relationships are at the very center of our existence. If something effects you, it effects your relationships. Every issue, every conflict is played out at this most intimate level.

Communication is a difficult process. You can think you're listening when your loved one doesn't feel heard, at all, but listening and working to understand the other person's perspective often feels like a denial of your own experience. No one feels like listening to the other person when no one's listening to them. This miscommunication can lead to arguments of ever-increasing intensity.

Some individuals grow up thinking--and often witnessing--physical abuse as an automatic response to anger. Anger in an intimate relationship is a given, but anger doesn't always mean striking out at another. Still, when abuse occurs in relationships, it's almost always in response to conflicts that individuals don't know how to resolve without hitting. They don't feel listened to, they GET your attention. They're going the make you listen.

Not all individuals grow up in this, however, and they can be shocked when they find themselves dealing with abuse.

In the flash of emotion, this kind of thing can make sense and often seems called for. It's never called for and never helpful in working through whatever issue exists, but to the abuser--and even to the abused--hitting can seem like the only option. This isn't true. You always have other options, even if it's hard to see them in the heat of the moment.

Some individuals are shocked to find themselves in this spot. They never, ever believed they could find themselves in the place where their most beloved individuals resorts to physical violence against them. Even the abuser can be shocked after the incident. It can seem like this shouldn't be happening to you...and it shouldn't, but then it shouldn't happen to anyone.
You're watchful with strangers, but you've let down the guard with those you love. This is where you're supposed to be safe. Loved.

Law enforcement officers will tell you that domestic violence situations are sadly frequent and volatile. They hate these. All violence is irrational and deplorable, but these situations are unstable and complicated. Too often victims refuse to press charges, reconciling with their abuser, yet these situations generally get worse and worse. A large percentage of women victims die at the hands of someone they were in an intimate relationship with.

Sexual assaults between lovers and friends are a mess of nuances. Even smart people end up in bad situations. Even the last person you expect to hurt you can hurt you.

We need to be aware of both our loved ones and ourselves. This can be really, really hard. Heck, just understanding your own feelings and reactions can be convoluted and complex. Don't give up, though. Put energy into understanding your responses and the "why" of your reactions, not in a challenging, mocking way, but work to see your own and other's points of view.

When you're working together towards understandingone another, abuse isn't even an option. Of course, this takes two, both of you straining to see the other guy's experience.

Even really smart people have to work at this.

MESSED UP MOM

2011-07-21T13:30:00.000-07:00

"I am 35 years old. I have five children from 3 different fathers. I was married to...a man who was a little too fond of drinking. My first husband is the father of my two oldest daughters. I am now remarried and we're approaching our 3rd anniversary. My present husband is the father of the youngest two children. The child in the middle has a father who has never been part of his life. My current husband is the only father he's ever known.

I know I have too much baggage that I carry from previous relationships. I try every day to work through my own issues. My husband has issues himself and, as a result, we have a less than healthy relationship. To be honest, I really feel that the only thing keeping either of us in the relationship is the kids and the fact that neither of us wants to be the one to throw in the towel. I am struggling now with anxiety and depression. I want to make my life better, but I do not know how. Quite frankly, I do not feel my husband is willing to put in the effort to try to make things better. Everyone in the house is miserable.

Recently there are behavior issues with my 13 year-old daughter. She takes on a lot, being the oldest of five. She ends up being the "assistant mom" most of the time. She has told me that her behavior issues are a result of her feelings toward my husband. She does not want to live here anymore and she's asked her father to take me to court to get custody of her unless things change. I have to say, I don't blame her. It hurts, but the truth does sometimes. This is not a place anyone WANTS to be. Our life is not a happy one. We ALL deserve better. I want to give my family the happiness we all deserve. I just don't know how. I know things need to change. I am just so overwhelmed that I don't know where to start. I feel that I am in this alone. Please help. Life is too short to be unhappy."--Unhappy

Dear Unhappy,

You've had at least three relationships that didn't work. You're really not alone in this. Intimate relationships and parenting are the two hardest things we do on this earth.

In any family the basis for family interaction is the relationship between the parents. You and your husband's problems are a big part of this and YOU deserve better. Either get counseling with him or go by yourself. You're right--life is too short to be this unhappy.

The other issue you right about is that of your 13 year old daughter saying she wants to live with her dad. Part of this desire is probably the issues in your current marriage, but I'm guessing that's not the only thing. Your daughter's position as the "assistant mom" has contributed to this. I understand how with five kids, you've needed some assistance sometimes, but your 13 year old didn't make the choice to have this size family, you did.

You might want to talk with your 13 year old's father and consider allowing her to live with him. Dads deserve their children as much as mothers do. If her dad is stable and he wants her to live with him, why not? Fathers are very important to daughters. The research indicates that these relationships can effect daughters staying in school longer and whether or not they get pregnant early.

Let her go live with him. Yes, you'll miss her terribly and you'll hate not having her help, but she might need this experience. Her dad certainly needs both the opportunity and the responsibility of doing his share of the parenting.

You feel overwhelmed and you deserve to talk with a therapist who can help you see your options. If money is an issue--so true for many at this time--look around for sliding scale or low cost therapy.

* * *

There is no such thing as perfect parenting. No matter how hard you may try, this isn't a possibility because human error is built in. When too much focus is given on never making parenting mistakes, there is a tendency to measure your parenting success by the choices your children make.

This is scary and it messes up everyone's personal power. Kids have their own choices--small ones at first and then bigger and bigger ones. You can't control these and you'd be robbing the child of learning if you tried. We have a sad tendency to measure ourselves by what our children do. (Just look at the furor over the book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom)

I came at the parenting thing from another angle--I never expected to be perfect. I was acutely aware of my own parents' issues and I didn't want to push mine on my kids, but kids can't be UNaffected by their parents. My daughters have stumbled their way toward their own personal learning, which we all do. I've tried with some success--and some failure--to stay out of the way in their learning process. Sometimes I've been a great parent, sometimes not so great.

My husband and I have been accused of being over-involved and we are trying very hard to find the right place in their lives. The worst scenario for children appears to be a combination of over-involved and neglectful(at the same time) parents. Those who try to get their kids out of the consequences of their own actions, then go back to completely ignoring the kid. This is sad for everyone.

Parents who most benefit their kids actually facilitate independence, while hanging around to provide love and support. This is really hard. It involves watching and being impacted by that over which you have no control. In this scenario, you watch their mistakes--sometimes knowing they're bad choices--and you still love the kids and believe in them. Believe they'll sort it through. Believe they can manage their lives successfully.

I've learned through hard experiences not to offer feedback unless it's requested and, even then, I'm careful.

Parenting is a complex, challenging endeavor that can offer great rewards. It's a helluva hard job.

CONTROLLING PARENTS

2011-07-14T14:22:00.000-07:00

"I am 20 years old and my girlfriend is 19. She has very controlling parents. They won't let her out, at all, and she has to lie to them, telling them that she's going to work just to hang out with me. I don't get to see her a lot and she's been working a lot these days. She closes every day and ends at around 11 pm and now her parents have told her she has to quit. She has no choice, but because she doesn't have the income required to go to college and pay for rent elsewhere. She's so distressed because she wants to have a life, too. She doesn't know what to do. I'm sending this in place of her because she would never go online to ask for advice. What can she do?"--Appreciative boyfriend

Dear Boyfriend,

She can quit school, get a job to pay for her rent and live her life as she chooses...but I'm not recommending this as the best. She has a really big choice to make and she needs to look at the consequences of this. When parents support an adult child, paying for their school and their expenses, the parents expect to have a say in the child's choices. This can include dating choices.

While I recommend parents allow adult children to handle their own choices, the parents' financial involvement does give them some right to have a say-so in your girlfriend's choices.

I agree that this is a very difficult situation and I understand that your position is not good. Some cultures make it difficult for children to act against their parents' wishes, particularly girls. This is sad and unfortunate. If your girlfriend is being sent to college, she's better off than some girls. She doesn't have great options, though.

She can strike out on her own--paying her own tuition and working her way through college--or she can abide by her parents' decree and not date. You've already tried the sneaking around option and apparently they're on to you.

* * *

Fear can be gripping and controlling and facing it, bare-knuckle, isn't any fun. This is just what needs to happen though, if we're going to learn what we need to learn. Many individuals find creative ways to side-step their fears. Some go to great lengths, marrying, divorcing, going to school (forever) or not going to college, at all.

You may be afraid to end a relationship or afraid to venture out and declare yourself as interested in someone. Fear is a powerful thing.

The fear of failure motivates some people to give up all endeavors. They don't try anything because they might fail at it. Fear can range from being a twinge that dogs you to being a raging, roaring beast, in control of your life. When Winston Churchill made his famous speech, saying "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself" he was part-right. Obviously, there's a lot of really scary stuff out there, but when we allow fear to controll our lives, determining what we do and who we do it with, we've already thrown in the towel. At that moment, we're convinced that we're weaklings and that we have no power.

The emotion can be really, really strong, but it's not true that you have no power. Ever. Even if you're tied up at the time. (I hope you're not tied up.) Even in the face of terrifying consequences, we have choices. Sometimes those choices are in how we handle the bad situations; sometimes we can avoid the scary stuff altogether.

Ask yourself what scares you the most--could be relationship loss, personal failure, loss of freedom (being told what to do ALL the time) or you could have a fear of instability (what if you can't count on home and job?). We all have dark corners and the desire to avoide these can be strong.

But you're stronger. You are. You can face the issues dogging you and you can learn what you need to learn. You're capable, even though you might not feel that way.

SHOULD SHE TRUST HIM AGAIN?

2011-07-07T10:09:00.000-07:00

"My boyfriend and I were surprised, but happy to find out we were having a baby. A few months after this, he started partying hard...staying out all night...and being gone for 2-3 days at a time. This made us fight a lot, but I thought 'maybe he's just getting it out of his system'. He also has PTSD from his 3 tours of duty in Iraq and he uses alcohol as his drug of choice. I thought things were getting a little too real for him and he just needed to get out for awhile.

I would see messages on his phone from other girls...[but] I never really thought he would sleep with anybody [else] and he says he never did. I just recently found a picture in his Sent Picture message box on his phone of his erect penis, sent to a phone number in Arkansas back in March. He no longer has contact with this girl, but it still feels like he cheated on me. Is it cheating if he never actually slept with her? And how can I trust what he says when he claims he never slept with anybody?

I also found a string of messages he shared with a girl in one of his school classes. She said to him that she knew his Facebook status listed him as being in a relationship, but she thought she would throw her phone number out there and he could run with it. He responded by saying 'Oh, I'll run with it'. Then he asked if she wanted 'real pics, like XXX pics'.

I want to work this out, but I'm utterly heartbroken and I'm unsure if I will ever be able to believe a word he says now. And will I ever be able to be okay not looking at his phone every time a message comes in? Or wanting to read his Facebook conversations?"--Untrusting

Dear Untrusting,

I'm sad to say you can't trust that he never slept with anybody else, no matter what he claims. Intimate verbal (and photographic) interaction is now acknowledged by experts as emotional cheating. Even if he never got naked with her in the same room, he cheated.

Now what? You're having a child by this guy and I'm sure you'd like to believe that everything is hunky dory, but your boyfriend's actions make it pretty clear that he's troubled. Whether or not this is directly related to his PTSD, I can't say, but I strongly recommend he get treatment for the stress and trauma of prolonged combat. He deserves this.

I totally agree that you don't want to spend your life checking his phone and his Facebook messages. This is not a way to live.

I strongly recommend you get counseling if you decide to continue with this relationship. Infidelity leaves gaping wounds. The problems in the relationship need big work, if the two of you have a future together. You deserve this, as does your unborn child.

* * *

Should you lie for your Ex?

Although loving parents often want to shield their children from harsh realities, think carefully about the lies you tell your kids. Sooner or later your children will get the big picture and they'll remember your deceit. Even the Santa Claus lie has backfired on some parents.

Of course, in this case you're lying to your kids to protect them, but think about the underlying message--are you meaning to say that your children aren't capable of dealing with reality? It's totally understandable that you love your kids and you want them to feel special and loved(even if your Ex is a jerk), but think carefully before assuring your children that their other parent loves them.

While this sounds harmless and surely true, many parents find themselves assuring their tykes that "mommy's at work and couldn't come" (or "daddy will take you for visitation as soon as he can") when this isn't true at all. You may wish it were true and you may hope that your ex will straighten up and be the parent your child deserves, but your wishes won't make this come true.

With the hope of easing their children's lives, some parents out-and-out lie for their ex's. Stop this. You're not helping anyone if you block your children from realizing what their other parent does or doesn't do.

Try to find a middle road. Don't lie to protect and don't dump your anger at your Ex on your children.

Be straight with your kids. There's benefit in talking angrily about the Ex in front of your child and you don't need to make the kid deal with ugly realities in the interest of honesty. Life will do the reality part for you. Just let it unfold. Don't make promises for other people; don't utter accusations or harsh condemnation...at least not where the child can hear.

When you allow your child--with your emotional support--to confront the truth, you're indicating a belief in the child's capacity; in his ability to handle life. We often struggled knowing what emotional support means, but often this involves just being there. Your love is conveyed by how you act, by your behavior, not by you bashing the other parent.

This is a very hard role because you're the one who comforts the child when he's crying because his dad didn't show again. You're there to see the distress; you feel it, too. It sucks that life isn't fair. Your kid deserves better and so do you.

RELATIONSHIP WITH ALCOHOLIC MOTHER

2011-06-23T18:34:00.000-07:00

"My mother and I have difficulty communicating...We attempted counseling, but it has made it even more difficult! I really believed we were going to try when she wanted to meet once a week to talk. I wanted to put things back together and I believed her 100%.

She is an alcoholic and I've learned not to take phone calls from her after 5 pm. I know that sounds silly, but it protects me because she says a lot of things that upset me. A day after counseling, my phone rang. Since it was after 5, so I let it go to voice mail. It turns out the she had called me by accident and my voice mail recorded her talking to my grandmother. My mother had been drinking and she said terrible things about me. Most of them were lies! I felt so betrayed. I really believed she was going to change and be a mom (which I never felt I had)! My mom was molested by her dad and abused by my father, so I know she has suffered.

It all makes sense to me now why my grandmother says terrible things to me! Anyone that really knows me thinks so differently about me. I am not sure what to do. I know I can't have a relationship with her, even though I desperately want one! It's so hard because I want my children to have grandparents, but I feel it's not healthy. I feel so sad... Any suggestions?"--Daughter Trying So Hard

Dear Daughter,

I've got a sad piece of news for you: You're right. You can't have the relationship you want to have with your mother. While this is distressing, you need to protect yourself better than you have been doing. Some individuals in your position end all ties with the offending parent, even though this is painful.

Your children deserve better and so do you.

With active alcoholism, counseling has limited impact. Your mom may want to change, but she wants alcohol more at this point. If you can't cut off all contact, hold firm to your policy of not accepting calls after five...and don't listen to drunken voice mail. Just delete these.

It's important to acknowledge that we can't change other people. They have free will, just as we do. This means they get to decide the lives they live, even when their choices make no sense to you.

* * *

Too many adults deal with sexual trauma--rape by strangers or people they know. This is a real issue when the individual is impaired by either alcohol or drugs. When not in a clear frame of mind, she doesn't have all her faculties at her command.

Typically, women are victims of sex crimes--usually by their partners--but men can also be sufferers.

Like childhood sexual abuse, self-blame can be a large issue. Childhood sexual trauma usually earns a quick It wasn't your fault! But adult sexual trauma can leave impression of blame, particularly when the victim's behavior is discussed. Even the victim can believe she or he was asking for it. Let's be very clear--No one asks to be assaulted. Ever. No article of clothing is revealing enough, no place is unsafe enough that the victim is responsible for an assault. The perpetrator always chooses his bad behavior.

Even when we're drunk or otherwise impaired, we are still responsible for our actions. After all, we hold drunk drivers responsible for the accidents they cause. We need to be just as clear about the sexual assaults that occur when the perpetrator is drunk.

No matter what, the victim is never responsible for the attack. Yes, after being attacked you may decide not to walk down dark alleys and you may decide to wear less revealing clothes. Your choice. But don't assume responsibility for the perpetrator's actions. This implies that he had no choice; he couldn't stop. That's ridiculous.

After all, a lot of other people saw you wearing whatever you were wearing and they didn't assault you. Rape doesn't happen in every relationship. Victims are never responsible.

TOUGH TO BE THE TOUGH ONE

2011-06-16T13:19:00.002-07:00

"I'm writing this because I need some advice. I really don't know how you will help me with this, but I figured I'll write. I just found out that my mom has tumors in her stomach and she might have ovarian cancer. I've been the 'hard a**' during this situation, trying to keep hope alive, but I'm extremely tired of playing this role. ...My plans with my boyfriend are once again on hold.... It seems like I can only run to my best friend and...I don't want to drag her into this situation because she's been my [strength through] all my problems. So now I only have a pillow to hug because I'm dealing with this crap alone.

I can't shake this dream I had three weeks ago that my mom and my boyfriend's best friend's mother were dead. ...I feel this dream was a warning.... My mom has [multiple serious health issues]. She's only 53 years old...and she's not supposed to be dying. I've already lost my father in '08... I would really like my mom to be here when I have a family of my own. I really don't know what to do at this point, but sit in the dark alone. How can I rectify this situation or cope with this better?"--L

Dear L,

My sympathies on the loss of your father. You are in a terribly stressful situation, already suffering the loss of one parent and now facing the likelihood of being completely orphaned by the possible death of your mother. It's understandable that you've tried to be the Rock, the tough one in the face of your mother's bad health, but it's important that you get some care for yourself. She has lots of people working to save her. Medical personnel who are trained in this. It's time to ask your mother's physician for contacts to local support groups. You're not the only one going through this and this isn't the time for you to try to tough it out.

You're dream is a reflection of your anxiety about this situation. Being worried about this is completely normal. NOT being worried wouldn't make sense, but your wanting to believe she'll pull through this is also completely normal. Sometimes life isn't fair. You've been dealt a rough hand. Your grief and fear fit this situation, but that doesn't mean you can't come through it. Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel when you're in the tunnel is impossible.

You asked how you can rectify this situation, how you can cope with it better. Sadly, you can't fix your mother's health. You also need to stop trying to tough this out alone. You need to let a bigger circle of friends into your grief. Be okay with asking for help. It may not be comfortable, but this is vital. Give yourself permission to let others be with you. Your mom needs you to be okay. Don't just take care of her, take care of you by letting others be with you now.

* * *

Forgiving others when they've offended you is a very difficult path. I'm not in favor of trying to forgive those you're letting continue to offend you, but hanging on to grief and anger helps no one. Sometimes forgiveness is a release.

Harboring hatred and anger only hurts the vessel, the one holding the scalding emotions. We get confused about forgiveness, considering that we need to act as if the offense never happened. This behavior comes closer to being denial than forgiveness.

When you've been offended by another individual--this can include anything from the murder of a loved one to infidelity--think carefully about what you need at this moment...and then yield the offender to the universe. We don't always see it, but actions bring consequences. This can be the end of a marriage or a life-long battle with innumerable personal issues. Bad relationship outcomes, difficult parenting relationships or even health problems--all of these can be the results of poor choices.

You might not see the universe delivering consequences, but actions always yield these. Sometimes the most important thing we can do for ourselves is to let others' come by the results of their choices. We don't have to hate or worry or harbor ill will.

We get what we deserve, even if that isn't always seen. You don't have to go on hating or hurting. Forgive the offender and let yourself start healing.

Think carefully about whether your anger is hurting the offender or hurting you.

ARE YOU A "GOOD KID"?

2011-06-10T13:17:00.000-07:00

Parents want them and most kids want to be them, but its a not necessarily a good thing to be The Good Kid. Most families have one of these, the kid who always does what their parents want--at least when they're observed--and get most of the parental kudos. These are the ones who take pride in trying the hardest and shining the brightest.

Parents brag about their accomplishments and these don't often make mistakes, but this position isn't usually the best for the kid. Their always good in comparison to the sibling who is the bad kid. This places a wedge between siblings that sometimes never heals.

In family after family, the story is the same--good kids tend to bear more responsibility and they can earn parental admiration for never screwing up or not causing their parents anxiety. The other kids in the family usually know which one has this position and, even if they rely on the good child, they tend to resent them.

Good children bear the weight of never messing up when most of life's best lessons involve messing up. That is sadly how most individuals learn. We make choices that work for us and choices that don't. The difference between these helps us see the best path(unless some well-meaning adult steals our learning opportunities by stepping in to clean up our mistakes). The position of good child tends to lead to deception on the child's part, too, because they're trying hard to hang on to the coveted position. When they step out on the wild side, they make sure their parents know nothing about it.

Good children the world over spend their younger years trying to make everything okay for their parents and in this they feel a need to hide their own missteps. In the absence of strong parenting, they can feel the need to become parental themselves. There are big consequences for a parentified child. They are bossy with younger kids and they brown-nose adults with whom they want to ingratiate themselves.

The problems with this position linger into adulthood, but the perks don't usually follow. Good children feel defined by this position and they don't want to give up their limited power. Who wants to be dethroned? Some take role into adulthood, seeking careers that continue the always-good position; for example minister, police officers, and helping professions. These roles can be very valuable, but continuing to suppress your own inclinations and stay in the role the good kid can be limiting.

Parents need to look hard at their actions with their children. We tend to smile on the child who doesn't give trouble, but to step in to clean up messes for the "less-able" child. The one that screws up the most and seems to need assistance. Whether these are the kids who develop drug and alcohol problems or has bad relationships from which you must rescue them, think hard before you step in. The good child will feel angry and unacknowleged--possibly chastising you for using their inheritance and your good will on the bad child--and the bad child is weakened by your lack of belief in his or her ability to clean up their own messes.

Parents feel bad when they prefer one child over the other, but they need to go beyond just trying to make sure the Will is fair. They need to examine themselves and the family they created to find understanding of these dynamics.

Don't stay stuck in being the good child. You don't need this role to be a good person or to achieve those things you want in your life, even if letting go of it can be very difficult.

OKAY WITH BEING A "SIDE PIECE"?

2011-06-02T11:32:00.001-07:00

I always learn things from my job--both things about myself and things about the world. This week a client used a phrase that very clearly summarizes what many folks are dealing with. She said her relative is okay with being a side piece.

Lots of people are dealing with relationship issues. Trouble in this area is wide spread. But when does cheating around become okay? When is it just a method for avoiding relationship or personal problems.

A side piece, by this client's definition, is a woman or man who's content with being the other, the one a married individual sees on the side. Non-primary relationships have both an advantage and a disadvantage in that regular life isn't the focus. Because of the secrecy involved, issues of money and kids don't usually intrude. Extra-marital or non-primary relationships have an urgency, an intensity that's fostered by secrecy. In this pressurized situation, the relationship feels highly intense and very powerful.

Some have likened it to a drug addiction. They say they are addicted to the lover, to the secret codes, the text messages and private phone calls. This can feel like something you do just for yourself when you do little for you, focusing more on the roles of parent, employee and spouse. This affair is something you're doing just for you.

Powerful.

People in this situation usually have arguments with themselves. They know they should quit and fly right, but they can't stop craving interaction with the other person. This can feel like an obsession. In the middle of birthday parties for your children and family holidays, you try to sneak off to exchange private phone calls, steal furtive time together. Soul mates forced into clandestine, tawdry relationships.

Typically, there are powerful reasons for staying in the primary relationship. The biggest of these is the sharing of children. Whether you've borne kids together or just engaged in a loving caretaker role with a child not biologically your own, this is a strong influence for lots of people. You don't want to damage the children or to lose your own interaction with them. Many of us have grown up in broken homes. We know the conflicts divorce and separation can bring for children and many promise themselves they'll never make their kids suffer these.

Some of those cheating don't want to leave their primary mates for money reasons, but these aren't usually as big as the fear of being alone. Yes, that may sound a little crazy since the cheater has a soul mate cheating with him or her, but these are often two married people. The timing of one leaving--and the other possibly not leaving--is complex.

There's also the pesky emotional left-overs to deal with. You may have been with your primary relationship partner for years. Even though you're not in love anymore, you're still attached to your mate. You certain don't wish him or her harm. Usually. Not really. You're also not sure you want them completely out of your life, dating others and not responding super-fast to your calls?

This can be a very complicated situation.

Oddly enough, the stats aren't good on those who end their primary relationships and get with the person they've been cheating with. Soul mates deal with real life and usually with disillusionment.

Being a side piece, however, is also a complicated role and one in which you won't either learn to deal with your issues or learn how to be fully in a relationship. It can also mean spending holidays alone and never being able to talk to your parents and friends about the person you consider most connected to you.

Sorting all this out can be very difficult. No one else gets to tell you when you need to leave your primary relationship (friends and relatives may try), but no one can force you to leave your affair, either. Affairs don't produce significant long-term happiness. They just don't, but lots of people are engaging in this seemingly non-productive behavior.

One of the reasons I wrote my book Should I Leave Him? was to help people struggling with this decision.

Dealing with relationship challenges is a very personal matter. Your mother/preacher/friend/therapist can't make the choices for you. It's your decision and you may need some help in finding the right path for you.

DON'T LET THE DELIVERY OVERWHELM THE MESSAGE

2011-05-26T14:17:00.000-07:00

Do you listen well when you're being shouted at? Most of us don't. The delivery of the message makes a lot of different, but the urge to yell is powerful. This is particularly true when you're talking to a child or adolescent who blocks you out or when you have a lot of emotion about a situation.

We struggle as much with how to tell others what we need to say as with what to say and this is really important. No matter that we know we should listen as much to what's being said, we are tremendously impacted by the manner in which comments are made.

Individuals tend to shout when they perceive that the other person is not listening--as if volume will solve the problem, will make the other person hear us. The opposite is generally true, but it's very difficult to resist the tendency. If shouting or saying really ugly things is how you try to get others' attention, there's already a problem in the relationship. Neither of these choices increases the odds of you being heard.

If your boss yells at you and says you're an idiot, you probably get mad, too, but do you actually get what he's mad about? Do you even care? Yelling may gain some attention, but it doesn't usually help get the message across.

It's important to realize what's going on with you when you're delivering your message with non-functional heat. When you're yelling, what are you feeling? Simple question, but it takes some thought to work this out.

Usually when you're at the shouting point, your focus is on the other guy. He's the problem(the jerk!). You may even defensively say that he's making you yell. Don't let yourself buy this. I don't want anyone else that in charge of my emotions. No question that you're upset with the other guy; mad; furious; whatever.

You are in charge of you, however. You get to decide how you handle the problem in front of you. Yes, you're very impacted by others--at work and at home--but you're still in charge of yourself. Our society is founded on the shared belief that you're responsible for your actions. Others can't make you scream or hit the wall or throw a tantrum.

They can make you want to do these things, but you still get to be the king of your personal kingdom. (And if someone is this irritating to you most of the time, you might want to reassess the relationship.) I'm not suggesting you never raise your voice. Using strong words that actually say what your problem is, actually increases your chance of changing what you want changed. The first step, however, is to ask yourself what's really upsetting you. Don't just ask yourself once and glibly answer that they are upsetting you. Really dig deep.

Understanding your own reaction--your own feeling--will improve your communication. So will lowering the volume. We don't listen better to shouted words unless it's Fire!

We all want to be heard. But the louder and angrier we get in trying to be heard, the less likelier we are to actually get our message across. Try to remember this and don't give up. It's important for you to be heard.

GO AHEAD. COMPLAIN.

2011-05-19T12:04:00.000-07:00

Expressing distress is both normal and functional, but lots of people are feeling guilty about this now. I'm not suggesting you complain your life away or that you shouldn't change the things you need to change, but don't give yourself grief because you have unhappy moments. Some things are bad, you don't need to say that your problem is not as bad as life in Japan right now. That's a given, but being worried about problems or being stressed about a decision is part of life. Quit feeling bad about feeling bad.

Whether you're depressed (and don't have any reason to be) or concerned about a relationship issue or having difficulty communicating with your mother--all these feelings are valid. Just because there are others in this world with bigger, badder problems doesn't diminish yours. You have a right to be upset about that which affects you. Your personal world.

You may tell yourself to get over it or to move on, but this doesn't make your concerns go away. Yes, having a perspective on what's good in your life is important. It's also best for your mental and physical health if you recognize your blessings. But this recognition doesn't mean you're supposed to be 100% worry-free all the time.

The best we can do is to strive for a balanced view. Driving a car that doesn't break down all the time is a constant pleasure and relief to me--as a teen, I pushed my car more than drove it. I had nightmares about being stranded, it happened so often. I feel blessed that I'm able to drive a safe, fun car.

That doesn't mean I don't have worries.

When matters get to the place that you have to hurry to mention that your life is really okay, you have to wonder if your guilt over having worries is appropriate. Life is a challenging, rewarding thing. You have wonderful moments (we hope) and difficult ones.

Celebrate the good ones, but don't apologize for the struggles. Some things just suck. Losing loved ones to death, divorce or distance. Watching those you love struggle (i.e. parenting) or losing things or opportunities you value is hard. In order to really be clear and to rejoice in the pleasures, you need to give yourself permission to hate the stuff that gets in the way.

This hate when purely experienced, doesn't take over your life. You just feel the feelings. It is an interesting phenomena that when we refuse to feel an emotion, it tends to cling...to hang around even longer.

Give yourself permission to feel what you feel. Go a day brooding about this. Be grouchy. Most of the time you'll find the feeling then drifts off like a cloud. If your depression, sadness or worry doesn't lift, you might need to consider talking to someone. This could be a friend or professional.

Some worries don't lift because a decision needs to be made or an action taken--usually an unpleasant action or a decision you don't want to make. We all face these and they generally suck.

Complaining is okay. It's a natural part of life as long as you don't let yourself get consumed and forget the good stuff in your world.

TOO CLOSE TO YOUR KIDS?

2011-05-12T11:02:00.000-07:00

This may seem like a crazy question--or one you think refers to a really crazy situation--but it's a good area of debate. How close is too close? Kids need parents, no question about it. They need reliable, attentive, concerned parents who watch out for them when they're little and stay up with them in the night when they're sick.

They don't need to have to take care of you, their parents, when they're little themselves. Too many kids watch out for themselves because their parents are alcoholic, distracted by other relationships, emotionally disturbed, workoholic or drug addicted. This is all bad for kids because they don't have loving adults watching out for them. They feel they need to protect their parents and while kids are generally concerned for the ones they love, they don't need to be the adults in their parenting relationships.

But can they be too close to their parents?

Most parents don't worry about this. They have lots of other things to be concerned about, but there comes a point in kids' lives that they may need to distance themselves from their parents and this generally comes before their parents think they're ready to fly on their own.

So, what's to do? New research indicates that the human brain doesn't fully mature until individuals are around 25. This is much older than we'd previously thought. Before our society as viewed adulthood as coming at age 18. After this kids are automatically tried as adults for crimes, they're considered legally responsible for themselves and we let them enlist for military service at this age.

Are we sending children off to war?

Anyone who's parented an adolescent knows the complicated relationship that usually develops around this developmental stage. If you've had a generally uncomplicated parenting experience, the teenage years can come as a shock. Let's make it clear that not all people go through the same experiences in the same order. We're just talking about generalities. Most kids deal with needing to/wanting to create their own lives as they hit the high school years.

They enter into intimate relationships, seriously begin thinking about how they're going to live their adult lives and generally start keeping secrets from their parents. They may have always done this last part, but as kids get older they become more and more aware of being separate people. Individuals. They have their own opinions and want to make their own choices.

Some of those choices scare the bejeezus out of their loving parents.

What parent of a young adult hasn't worried about their financial choices? I know my husband and I are concerned about this, but at what age to you stop voicing those concerns? When is it really none of your business?

I've talked to parents of 35 year-old children who are still doing their kids dirty work, still cleaning up after them. Most individuals don't want this, either as a parent or as an adult child. So when do parents stop helping?

The transition from child to adult is a little like crawling from a ladder to a roof top--there's a scary moment when really bad things can happen, when you can lose your balance and end up in a bad way. We parents are very aware of the possibilities. Heck, we know our own mistakes and we want very much to warn our kids, to help them not make the same mistakes we made.

The closer the relationship, the more we want to be helpful. Maybe the issue is our closeness, maybe we need to look at the nature of closeness, of helping our kids. I realized as my own daughters began this shift that my comments and cautions weren't all that welcomed. As a matter of fact, they didn't want to hear what I thought of their relationship choices or how they spent their money.

At that point--after much gnashing of teeth and weltering in self-pity--I realized that the toughest, most loving thing we do for our children is...believing in them. Trust me, I know how hard this is to do when they're making bad, bad choices. Frankly, there were moments when I struggled, thinking I thought they were smarter than this. But perspective and much thinking about this helped Roger and I realize that our kids are intelligent beings. That may sound silly to say, but they are smart. Certainly intelligent enough to figure this adult thing out. They might make relationship/career/money mistakes, but don't we all at times?

The really smart part is when we learn from our mistakes. That's what it means to be close to our children. Letting them benefit from their own choices(mistakes). Letting them learn without rescuing them...and then preaching at them. Its understandably hard not to preach. Sometimes really, really hard. But it's do-able.

Love them and believe in them enough to stay out of the way when it's appropriate to stay out of the way. They're smart. They'll figure it out. Yes, you'll hurt while you watch them struggle. You'll want to rush in to take away the hurt. But remember, if you do that, you're taking away some of the learning, too.

TOO LATE FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

2011-05-05T11:13:00.000-07:00

No one else can tell you when its time for you to move on, to leave a relationship behind. Lots of people may want to, the individuals to whom you've complained about your mate or the one's who've patched you up when things got rough.

Still, they don't get to make this decision.

I see lots of couples who are at difficult spots in their relationships. Sometimes individuals come in, asking whether or not they should leave their partners. Despite the degrees on my wall, my years of experience in working with couples and my own personal experience--having a long term mate--I still don't have the right to answer this question for anyone else.

Even when they want me to, and sometimes they really want me to tell them what to do because they're not sure. I get that. Relationships are incredibly complicated. Even when your spouse makes you crazy and drives you up a wall, you can still have loving moments that you don't want to let go of.

I get all that.

This is why only you can decide whether it's too late for your relationship. I have lots of opinions about this. I think you should consider getting out if either you're physically abused by your mate or you're physically abusive of your mate yourself. This is a very bad thing to have in relationships and can (and should) lead to trouble with the law. At the same time, nothing makes us crazier than conflicts with the one we love most.

I also think you should consider getting out if you're only staying because you don't want to be alone. I know this is very scary and, trust me on this, its a very common fear. Lots of people are afraid of being alone. The difficulty finding partners is witnessed by the variety of dating sites available. Lots and lots of people are looking and many aren't finding anyone.

That still doesn't mean you need to stay. At least when you're looking you're giving yourself a chance at finding a relationship that works for you.

There is a tendency when you have big (or a bunch of small) unresolved conflict in relationships to ride along, hoping things will get better. Hoping you'll get over it, but time alone doesn't solve problems. Lots of people want to argue with me about this, but I've never found that time clears relationship problems. It can give you perspective, but just hoping things will get better overall doesn't yield any long term improvement.

When you have relationship conflict that's not resolved these issues may no longer be discussed, but they've not gone away. They sink to the bottom, like pond sediment, and eventually you're swimming in a very shallow relationship. Pretty soon, unresolved stuff between you turns to poison and kills the love you once felt.

Only you can say if its too late for your relationship--you and your partner. The relationship is the business of the two of you. Both partners have to commit to dealing with whatever issues. No one person can will it better or resolve matters alone. Even just giving in all the time to avoid problems doesn't really avoid anything long term. After a while you get tired of everything always going your partner's way, never yours.

Don't wait for your relationship to die. Don't be like too many of my clients and show up to get help when the relationship is gasping it's last breath. I see lots of people right before they call the divorce lawyer. Learn to deal with issues when they come up.

Give the love a chance to live a little longer. In my book Should I leave Him? I go much more in depth about this decision and attempt to give a framework which might help in the decision process, but only you can decide when you're done.

GRIEF AND LOSS

2011-04-28T10:45:00.000-07:00

A few weeks back my husband, Dr. Roger Doss, and I gave a continuing education workshop for about 100 professionals in the mental health field. The topic was grief. Because Roger and I enjoy presenting workshops in an interactive style, we started this one by asking the participants to write down--anonymously--their greatest losses. We asked them to be very brief, putting life changing moments into a sentence or two that they then handed back to us.

The results were moving and profound. Never think mental health professionals have had perfect lives and don't know how you feel. There is no such thing as a perfect life.

When we gathered the responses we received a range of situations that told of deep, distressing, painful losses. Everything from the somewhat standard losses--"my grandmother died"--to the situations that most likely made the news--"my husband killed our infant child". This being said, grief never feels standard when it's yours.

Lots of different situations brings grief. Death of a loved one. Divorce or relationship break-up. Aging or the loss of one's health. A close friend who decides not to be your friend anymore or even the loss of a community, the break down of a church or a group of friends--all this can prompt great feelings of loss.

We've all heard about the Stages of Grief and the order in which individuals deal with the emotions of loss, but this order is truly different for different people. Some people skip some steps altogether. Loss is a unique experience and there is no standard response. Some people cry openly; some rail angrily. Some are silent and stoic. Don't think these different ways of responding to loss means that individuals don't feel genuine pain.

It's very important to respect the experience and allow individuals to react in their own ways, in their own time.

This variance, however, makes it very awkward to know what to say to a grieving person. Compassionate individuals can struggle to know how to be with grieved persons. The loss experience can bring sadness, anger, relief and guilt. Crippling guilt, actually, which comes mostly from our understandable desire to control the events impacting us ("I should have done something...") to a largely irrational self-blame. Sometimes our regrets fuel guilt. And who doesn't have regrets?

Loss brings change. Sometimes big change. Whether this loss means finding a new place to live or work after a relationship ends or if the grieved person faces big changes in his financial situation now that he's a single wage earner, these changes impact lives beyond our missing the person who's gone. Insult to injury. Sadness and stress seems piled on. Sometimes life definitions must be changed--from married person to divorced person, from a wife to a widow. This can be unsettling on so many levels.

And then what? How do you move on? Do you move on? Is it wrong to move on?

Sometimes creating a new life seems awkward and we struggle with not accepting we have to go on without the lost person. Sometimes we've forgotten how to function without them in our lives. When relationships end through divorce or death, some individuals jump into other relationships, not wanting to deal with everything that comes with being alone. I've known individuals to marry again only months after the death of a much-loved spouse. Some people try to deal with loss through avoidance or denial.

Individuals can even start living very different kinds of lives. They make massive changes, jumping out of airplanes, changing careers, divorcing their spouses or dying their hair pink. Loss affects us profoundly. We have a tendency to be blown away by this kind of experience, having never thought we'd be without this person or this role.

From the outside, others may have an urge to make the grieving individual face the situation. We can want to conduct interventions.... We need to think about this carefully and only voice our concerns when the grieved is considering dangerous choices. In intervening, we run the risk of insisting they grieve on our time schedule, in our ways, rather than theirs.

Whether you're dealing with loss and grief or attempting to be with someone you care for who's facing this, you might want to talk to a professional. Not because we have magic answers, but because we're trained to listen, to give you space and not to judge.

Because when you're grieving, you need to be kind to yourself...and it's not always easy to know what that means.

DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY

2011-04-21T11:09:00.000-07:00

"My family is constantly squabbling. We're more or less obsessed with being right and pointing fingers at the person who's wrong(always someone else). It doesn't really help that my son and husband...get so incensed that within seconds of the start of an argument, they're already shouting. They never actually listen to the other person's side of the argument and consider whether or not it's reasonable. When it's clear that one person isn't getting across to the other, we starting insulting each other, such as comparing one person to the father (who's known for his ill temper and violent nature) or to the mother (who's overweight and said to be careless with her money). We never get the arguments resolved and it seems like the only thing we get is more shouting and headaches.

My son is diagnosed with ADHD, but I see this as little reason to let him do whatever he wants. Whenever I come into his room while he's working (or gaming), he always tells me to 'bother someone else'. I've been working in the hallway in the house, and when I ask him not to sleep on the couch there because his snoring disturbs my work, he refuses to leave. He's also taken to heating up pieces of paperclips with a lighter, which I've asked him not to do because I'm worried he might hurt himself or set something on fire, but he disregards my warnings.

There's a total lack of connection between us. There was one time when I was having a webcam conversation with a friend...when my son came over to help me with a computer issue. He was a bit camera shy and so to disguise his nervousness, he started messing with my computer while I was chatting, occasionally blocking the camera with a piece of paper and other things. I just interpreted it as the things he normally did to annoy me, so I didn't do anything about it. At some point, he went and disabled the internet, and when I asked him to fix it, he told me to go fix it (myself). He said I shouldn't be using the webcam because it ruined the privacy of our house. He also said that since he'd paid for half the the laptop I was using, he had the right to tell me not to use it....I didn't know what to do, so I went outside for a walk. When I came back, he had accessed my computer and blocked all social websites on my computer--gmail, facebook, yahoo, etc. I got him to show me how to unblock them later when I got him to tell me why he was so upset.

I'd ask my husband to help me with my son, but he has taken to neglecting the situation and if he doesn't do something about it, we end up in screaming and yelling and nothing gets settled. I want to establish more calm in the house, so we can talk things out rationally. I don't want any more disasters like the one I described above."--Stressed Mother

Dear Stressed Mother,

Number one, you have more going on here than squabbling and number two, you son does feel connected to you, just not in a good way.

Still, this can't be fun. The parental unit is the foundation for the family and you'll get the best results by you and your husband learning to work as a couple. If you two want to change the yelling, screaming part, you need to work on having different behaviors yourself. This can be difficult, but it is do-able.

I don't know if your son is an adult, a teen or a school-age kid, but his age doesn't make any difference--his behavior is unacceptable. That being said, he's not going to even try to change as long as he's witnessing that behavior from you and your husband. Why should he? (I'd tell you your son's being horribly rude, but I suspect there has been a lot of rude behavior in the family in general.)

The winning/losing thing usually occurs when individuals feel smaller and less powerful. This is seen often in foster kids who've witnessed really bad, sad behavior and who've suffered a great deal of loss. Do any of you in the family actually see your own personal power? It doesn't sound like any of you feel that the others care much.

It's very clear that no one in the home is listening to anyone else. That much is obvious.

Listening requires you to shut up, put your own thoughts and feelings aside long enough to actually get what the other person's saying. Not that you always agree with him, but that you understand how he feels and sees things. You'll need to repeat this back to him to make sure you heard right. We often stick our own interpretations in, failing to actually hear what's said. Sometimes what's meant isn't clearly spoken, either.

This is hard for lots and lots of folks, not just you.

If your son's an adult, he may feel he needs financially to stay in the home and resents this, at the same time. Having him there might provide a strange kind of comfort for you. Sometimes we get used to the status quo, even when it's not all that good. We get comfortable.

Change is scary, but lots of change is needed here.

* * *

Mental health issues have gotten a lot more acceptable in the last few years and this is a very good thing. Secrecy tends to make difficult experiences worse. Along with this growing acceptability, lots more people are taking medication for a variety of difficulties, including anxiety and depression.

These meds can be very helpful, but don't allow yourself to believe that pills alone will help you work out relationship issues. Your relationship will definitely be effected if one or both of you have mental health problems for which you need meds, but the actual conflicts between you? They need something more.

You need to communicate. Yes, the dreaded and over-used "C" word.

Don't surrender to the belief that you should just get over problems in the relationship. You might benefit from medication, but you'll still need to feel listened to and understood for your relationship to get better. You both need to feel valued and heard by your partner or the love between you will droop and die like a flower on a wilting vine.

Love needs care and feeding. So do you.

SHE'S AFRAID OF GROWING UP

2011-04-14T09:34:00.000-07:00

"My daughter and I seem to be constantly at odds. We have always had a very close relationship until about 18 months ago. She went to college about 30 minutes from home, living in the dorm for the first year. Then she returned to attend a local college, living at home. Now, she stays out all hours of the night, brings her friends over at midnight to watch movies or sleep over. She sometimes leaves kids I don't know in the house when she goes to class the next morning. She and her friends are loud at night when my husband, step-son and I all have to go to work the next day. If I dare say anything to her, she yells, cusses and back talks me horribly. She does no chores around the house and very rarely picks up after herself. She works, but uses her money for her gas, movies, eating out, etc. She expects us to pay her cell bill, car insurance(we bought her car), and her school expenses(books and fees). She has gotten grants and scholarships to pay tuition, though she has taken school loans on her own, just to go shopping. Any advice I try to give her regarding the way she blows her money results in her screaming at me, cussing me and telling me it's her life, she's 19 and can do whatever she wants. We have argued over my wanting to always know where she is. She has developed a habit of driving about three times a week to a town about 120 miles from our house to go bar hopping. She says she's not drinking(she's underage) and is just dancing. But it worries me with her being on the interstate so late at night. She leaves for the bar around 10:00 p.m., stays at the bar until 3:00 a.m., and rarely gets home before 6:00 a.m. She usually has friends with her, but I'm not sure young girls alone in a situation like this are particularly safe. So, I make her tell me when she is going, text me when she arrives and let me know when she's on the road headed home. Of course, this keeps me up all night as well. She rarely gets 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep and neither do I. I have told her that if she flunks out of school, I will no longer pay her car insurance or phone bill. She ended up dropping most of her classes last semester because she got so far behind because she didn't attend class. It was either withdraw or accept failing grades. Again, every time I say anything about this or question her about what she's doing or who she's with, I get cussed, hung up on, or screamed at. Of course, as soon as she needs money, she is all sweetness. For the past month, she has been staying with a friend who has very little parental supervision. I made a point today to touch base with the father of this friend, asking if it was okay that my daughter was staying there...and I gave him my number for emergency contact. I don't know this man...and don't know this friend, either. Now my daughter is very upset that I talked with the father and says he believes I am a stalker. Am I going overboard with trying to be aware of where my 19 year old is and who she's staying with? I'm not sure whether she needs more discipline(namely making her pay her own bill because that's the only way I can discipline her) or if I jus tneed to let her go, no questions asked, and just be there when she needs me."--Concerned Mother

Dear Concerned,

Yes, you're going overboard, but it's very understandable. What you have is a tremendously mixed up situation and you're not alone in struggling with a teen trying to make the shift to adulthood.

Yes, I'd have the girl pay her own bills. Actually, I think you and your daughter have been so close that this transition to being an adult is hard for you both (not to mention your husband and his son). When parents have been very connected to kids, the growing up shift can be really hard. She needs to be an independent adult to prove to herself that she can make it without you. Sad as it is, she'll have to make it without you one day.

This is a difficult part of parenting, to doubt about it, but you need to do less.

First off, you have to stop treating her like an adolescent (even though she's acting like one). I know how difficult this is (from experience), but it's time for you to pull back. That doesn't mean she gets to trash your life, your house or your finances. You want to help her establish herself, which is very appropriate and loving, but stop staying up nights for her texts. Stop letting her have sleep-overs at your house like she's fourteen.

Actually, I think you're best letting her make those trips without any oversight from you. Let her go and say nothing. I wouldn't continue paying her gas, however. I also would think about (depending on what she earns) not paying her cell bill or giving her money. I wouldn't buy her clothes, either.

This is the bottom line for parental assistance...if the kid's making her own way and going to school, help her pay the necessities, but don't give her money to blow. Then, don't ask her how she spends her money. Her choice, not yours. If she's not in school, let her be a grown-up and support herself.

Don't expect her to be your friend. She's trying to establish a life without you and while this can be painful for parents, kids need to work out the kinks themselves. They need to know they can. If she's got scholarships, she's capable. She's a smart cookie, even if she's doing stupid things. Remind yourself of this: she can make it. She's able. Try really hard to butt out of her life, unless clearly invited. Then don't give advice unless this is requested. Even if it's requested, be slow to give it.

The very hardest thing to do is to believe in her, to ACT like you know she's capable, even when she's not acting very smart.

* * *

One of the hardest things to realize is that it's not what you say that counts, it's what you do. Don't get me wrong, talk is important. You need to communicate verbally, but it's easy to say stuff that doesn't match your behavior. When parenting, act like you believe in the kid, don't just say it. That means you don't rescue the kid from her own mistakes (if you really believe she can rescue herself). You don't give her money and things she can earn herself. You let her make her own way.

Actions speak way louder than words. This is true in romantic relationships, as well. Behave in a truly loving manner towards those you love. Sometimes that means having faith in them getting themselves out of messes, rather than running to their aid.

DEFAULT RELATIONSHIPS

2011-04-06T14:42:00.000-07:00

Being alone can be a relief after a bad relationship, but most of us don't want to live our lives without a partner. Being with someone can be difficult, though. Most individuals would rather have a significant other than be alone. Just look at all the dating websites that have sprung up in the last few years and you'll have an indication of both the difficulty of being half of a couple and the human desire to have someone special in your life. This conflict has led to an increasing number of relationships in which you do more than settle. I'm not talking about the decision you make to deviate from your list of "Perfect Mate" qualities. This list is understandable, but hardly realistic, given that you probably wouldn't fit your own criteria. Lots of people make these lists and end up tossing them aside as reality intrudes. You may not end up with someone who has perfect teeth and perfect hair, but you need to consider more than this in order to truly connect with a potential mate. On more than one occasion, couples have come in for therapy with the same situation...they argue and fight over many issues and do this with a seeming lack of liking one another. Don't get me wrong, when in a big disagreement with a partner, most of us don't like our mates much, even if you're in love the partner. In some relationships, though, couples don't share much. They have differing values and goals and may not share interests in common. They don't make each other laugh much. When asked, they report not valuing much about the relationship...but they stay. Couples therapy is a process in which conflicts are addressed and the strengths in a relationship pointed out. Conflict resolution is encouraged and assisted. Basically, I want the couple to know how to deal with issues that arise between them. I want them not to need me. Successful therapy means working my way out of a job. In some couples, however, this process hits a big barrier. Some couples come in disliking one another and seem to lack both the motivation and ability to move through problems to a resolution. And yet, here's the hard part--the unhappy mates don't leave the relationship. They just stay and gripe an one another. When asked about this, people often report that they don't want to be alone. Default relationship. Even a bad connection is better than no connection at all. At least this way, you have someone to fight with. Ugly, unhappy interaction is still interaction. In default relationships, you've given up hope of finding a better match. You've generally found a bunch of failure in intimate interactions with others and you've chucked the idea that you can find someone with whom you'll actually be happy, or you've decided you won't be happy with anyone else, so it's better to be unhappy with someone. In this kind of situation, individuals complain to me about a variety of things they don't like in their mate and then, when asked about the good, offer very faint praise. "Well, he means well...." "At least she doesn't cheat...." "Oh, he can be okay sometimes...." I'm never quick to judge the value a person gets out of a relationship. This isn't my job. If they're interacting, they're getting something out of it, but anyone in this kind of relationship needs to ask themselves whether they're there because they have no belief in finding/creating a happier, healthier interaction. Maybe you stay in this relationship because you don't have faith in yourself. As I've said way too often (one of those things my kids mouth behind my back)--relationships are one of the hardest things we do on this earth. That and be parents. Never judge yourself for struggling with this. We ALL struggle with this, at times, and many of us struggle much of the time, trying to connect with intimate partners. But default relationships are, in their nature, doomed to continue our defeat. You can't work your way out of a bad match just by trying harder. If big, big issues lie between you two and you struggle to deal with conflicting values, the prognosis can be dim. If you want very different lives and don't really like each other much, staying connected is hollow at best. While some individuals date/marry/live with partners they don't dislike, but aren't in love with, they need to ask themselves if they're doing anybody good. A not in love with relationship may offer occasional sex and have the benefit of another beating heart somewhere in the home, you really deserve better. You and your partner deserve to be valued and to be in love. Don't give up on yourself.

ADULT DAUGHTER & MOTHER FIGHT

2011-03-30T12:02:00.000-07:00

"My mother and I--along with she and my sister--have been fighting. She is erratic and moody. Today things took a very bad turn. I had planned to visit my parents today (they live about 8 miles away), but my mother called while I was preparing to leave and said my father was sick with a severe cold. I said I wouldn't be coming then, since my kids had just gotten over being sick and I did not want them exposed again. She then said she missed the kids and still wanted to see them. I responded that she'd seen them just three days before and could see them again when dad was better. My mother then said if I didn't care and wouldn't come that day then I should never come back again. She hung up on me. I called back ten minutes later, after I'd calmed down, but she didn't pick up the phone. I left a message that said if she couldn't quit being stubborn and listen to my concerns, then I would listen to her and stay away from her home. When I arrived home, she'd called 20 times, almost minute by minute, and didn't leave any message. On the very last hang-up she said I needed to change my message to "Have a have a nice f****** day." I didn't respond to her calls. This isn't the first time she has done things like this and I've just let them go because of her moodiness. I do not like the conflict and would like a solution to our problems, but she will not be civil. My father has called me in the past, asking that I apologize to help her calm down. My father and I have had to call 911 before when she threatened suicide. She went then into a secure facility for help, but only stayed for a night and before coming home. I'm scared for her and for my kids when they are with her. I do not leave them alone with her anymore. I honestly do not know what to do anymore. This is hurting myself, my kids, my husband and my dad, as well as, my sister and her children. There is so much conflict that it's tearing everyone apart and I'm not sure what to do. I'm not looking to be right or vindicated. I want help to try and resolve this situation for the health of my whole family. I don't know where to start...."--Upset Daughter

Dear Daughter,

This is a mess and it sucks, I know. You've dealt with your mom's highly-emotional behavior in the past and I'm guessing you, your sister and your father have done quite a bit of egg-shell-walking to keep from upsetting mom. I wish I had a magic word that could drain all the conflict from relationships, but I don't.

This isn't going to come as a surprise to you---you can't change your mother. You just don't have the power. She's in charge of herself and her behavior, not you. You have to take care of yourself (and your kids and husband) and give mom the consequences of her behavior. You have to leave your dad to fend for himself. He's made choices in his relationship with her for years. His life; his choices.

The business with you and your mom is not so not simple.

First, separate out in your mind, your mom's erratic behavior (throwing a fit because you wouldn't bring the kids that day, blowing up your phone machine like an insane headcase, et cetera) from what you contributed to this fight. I'm guessing you were still really mad when you left that message that "if she wouldn't quit being stubborn and listen to [your] concerns, then [you] would stay away from her home".

Come on, who wouldn't be?

Given a rewind button, you might not have said that, but your mom's tantrums aren't new to you. She's obviously run amok before and you've, just as obviously, swallowed a lot, what with not liking conflict and your dad urging you to adopt his placating position. Frankly, most people don't like conflict between themselves and those they care about.

Your making-nice with your mother hasn't changed things. Not really.

Maybe it's time you accepted that her behavior is in her control. You can't change her. You do, however, get to decide that to which you expose your kids, your husband and your self. You probably need to limit your interaction with your mom. Really limit it. Don't tell her what to do, just don't be available for tantrums or abuse. No apologies, no colluding with dad to "keep her happy."

Think of it this way--your mom's behavior has worked in the past. She's got her husband and kids jumping through hoops when she's upset. This isn't good for anyone. It's not made your mom particularly happy, either, even if she calms down at the moment.

You've told your kids that certain behaviors are acceptable and others aren't. Isn't it time you did the same with your mom?

* * *

One of the hardest situations in life confronts us when the people we love make bad choices. Whether this is a spouse who's over-drinking or adult children who don't pay their bills, we sometimes have to face the reality that we can't change others.

Don't think you just need to say the right thing. People respond less to verbal interaction than to changes in your behavior. If you keep yammering about what you don't like, but continue destructive relationships, the message is only that you're a bitch. Others know when you don't want to change things and you'll tolerate crap.

Even when sweet words are spoken, the actions that accompany this speak most loudly.

The hard part is to change you--your part. Look hard and long at what you're contributing to unhappy relationship situations. You can change your behavior very directly. Changing others isn't as easy.

CHEATING AND GUILT

2011-03-23T12:51:00.000-07:00

"My girlfriend and I have been together for two years no. In the beginning, we had our ups and downs and we both made mistakes and cheated. I cheated because I was still immature. It was no fault of hers. She cheated because I was being so neglectful, which we now know is because I was being unfaithful myself. Well, we have both been faithful for about a year now, but she is still not able to forgive herself for what she did to me, even though I have. It's gotten to the point that it's tearing us apart and that's the last thing we want. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to help her forgive herself and for us to be alright again. What can we do?"--Now Faithful

Dear Faithful Now,

It sounds like you're giving yourself both too much credit and too much blame in this situation. You're definitely at fault for cheating in the first place (this is a choice you did make) and it sounds like you're saying that it's somehow your fault that she cheated (not your fault). So, both your infidelity and her infidelity were your fault? (You weren't paying enough attention to her, so she HAD to cheat, too?)

Don't think I'm being flippant or dismissive here. Cheating is a big deal in committed relationships. It cuts to the core and is always harmful, even if the cheated-on mate doesn't find out. I think it's important, though, for you to both have the power of choice. You didn't make her cheat. This was something you both did--You both made bad choices.

As to how to "get over" the past, I think you need to actively deal with the issues between the two of you. You need to be as direct as possible and learn how to talk/listen to one another. Believe me, this isn't simple.

Feeling guilty over the cheating is reasonable. It's appropriate. We feel bad when we break promises, hurt others or do things that contradict our own values. In this case, feeling bad about the choice makes sense. Living in the past, however, ususally means that current issues aren't being addressed.

There's stuff still there, under the rug. You need to dig it out.

There's a whole range of possibilities here--I'm just guessing. Lots of stuff could be going on both between you and in you. The problem is that whatever is happening is hurting the relationship. You two need some honest talk about the things that make you crazy and yes, these things can seem small and piddly (but still really annoying).

Work out the issues between you and the past will fade.

* * *

You may have stood up before God and witnesses, swearing your troth only to one another--or you just may have a commitment between the two of you. Either way, cheating is a bad idea.

There are even websites devoted to helping you find others to cheat, but stepping out on your significant other is a lousy way to handle the conflicts in the relationship. Many people cite multiple reasons they cannot leave their current relationships, saying they have to cheat, but this is wrong in multiple ways.

1. "We have kids together and I don't want to break up the family."

2. "I don't want to lower my standard of living by leaving my mate."

3. "A divorce would mean I've failed."

4. "My parents/her parents would be very upset if we divorced."

5. "I want to stay with him because I love him, but things aren't good now. So, cheating seems okay."

6. "I want it all--him and other sexual partners--even if he's not okay with this."

7. "It just happened."

This last one is particularly confusing because someone unzipped something in order to get naked enough to have sex. You don't just stumble and fall on someone else's private parts.

When we make lousy choices, we feel bad. Maybe not initially, but eventually. Usually, the bad feelings are all mixed up with other feelings. Cheaters tend to have moments of euphoria and a sense of great connection with the person they're seeing on the side. This "soul-mate" sense is an illusion, though. Affairs that turn into committed relationships tend to end up in the same, sad place at some point, with the individuals involved then finding themselves wanting to cheat on the person they previously cheated with.

It's not a pretty cycle.

So, just don't. Even if the temptation is overwhelming. Go home and talk to your committed partner. Talk about the hard stuff. Work really, really hard on listening. Even if it hurts.

You may end up leaving that relationship anyway, but at least you'll avoid the drama and guilt associated with infidelity.

Let's just leave out the spiritual or religious aspects of this and concentrate on what you're doing to yourself.

EMOTIONAL STRATA

2011-03-15T09:01:00.000-07:00

Whether you marry or live together or just date, relationships are one of the hardest things we humans do. Most adults have a string of relationship experiences of various durations. Some are longer; some shorter, but the theme of "this is hard!" ties it all together.

And it is hard.

Just finding someone you like, who also likes you is difficult as evidenced by the number of dating sites out there. There's even a dating app, if you want one for your smart phone. With all this hooking up and all the genuine emotion that goes into it, you'd think we'd have more success.
When a relationship ends, for whatever reason, it's really easy to wonder if there's something just wrong with you. Somehow, we feel personally flawed and bad about ourselves when relationships end. There is a reality that it takes two people to make a relationship, but only one to break it up. Just in the nature of things, relationships are cooperative, mutual endeavors.

It's no one person who makes or breaks the thing. Don't let yourself believe that it's all my fault. People tell me all the time that their mates are perfect and wonderful, but they are all messed up. I always tell them that this belief gives them way too much power. Everyone contributes to relationships (power) and everyone is involved in the break-up. It's never just one person's fault.

Yes, many things slant the troubles--getting messed up in drugs; having an alcohol problem or just being unable to keep it in your pants--all this works to end relationships. We can't, though, assume all the blame. Relationships involve two people.

It's a very challenging when you're faced with needing to decide whether a relationship is working--or can be made to work. This is why I wrote my book, Should I Leave Him? While the (publisher's) title slants this toward female readers, it really examines the process of deciding what to do with relationships and offers specific suggestions and ideas.

So, okay. The relationship's over and you feel compelled to find someone else right away, someone who really likes you. Someone to counteract the idea that you're a screwed up, useless human being (which your ex may have said). Totally understandable feelings; not such a good actual idea.

Grabbing at the first chance of a relationship may mean you can put off the being alone part a little longer, but it doesn't give you a great shot at making this next relationship more successful than the last. Successful relationships are typically built on shared values. If you and your next hook up have very different desires in life, you probably won't be in this next relationship, either.

Too many times, we jump from one relationship to another, building up layers of failed interactions. This really doesn't help self-esteem, even if you tell yourself you just found one loser after another. You'll notice--even if you don't talk about it--that the common denominator for all these relationships, is you.

Back to square one--you feel like a loser. Even if you play your emotional cards close to your vest, you'll probably feel bad about yourself inside.

So, do your best to skip the Emotional Strata of one bad relationship layered on top of another. Even if you have gaps between significant others, even if you have to face life alone for awhile, you're better off getting involved with someone who wants the same things you want.

UNDERSTANDABLE, BUT NOT SISTER'S PROBLEM

2011-03-10T10:13:00.000-08:00

"I have an eleven year old sister that is very disrespectful to our mother. My mother has three other children and all have different fathers. My mother has messed up in the past with drugs, but is currently improving! Hannah, my sister, comes home from school everyday, does her homework, eats, and watches television. She is very lazy and does not do what is asked of her. She always comes home from school with an attitude towards our mother for no apparent reason. She is very mean and always seems irritated. My mother and her fiance are planning on getting married in May and my sister refuses to be in the wedding. I just do not understand why my sister always has a chip on her shoulder. I need your advice before we have an out of control teen on our hands, please!"--Frustrated Sibling

Dear Sibling,

I know this must be very upsetting to you. You've probably stepped up to keep things as stable as you could while your mom struggled with her addiction and it seems now, when things are going better, that your sister is causing undue trouble. It's probably seemed like she had more of an active mother than you did and I'm guessing you often tried to fill the gap when times were difficult.

Let me just point out, however, that your sister's attitude and lack of helpfulness is more appropriately your mom's issue than yours. Even if you are now an adult(over 18) by age, your sister is not your child. She may be a pain, refusing to be in the wedding and all, but this is your mother's wedding and your mother's child. When parents have addiction issues, the elder children often step up, trying to parent younger siblings however they can. This can involve everything from struggling to keep a roof over your heads to feeding smaller mouths.

It's a very, very difficult job that you've probably done amazingly well for your age...but it's not your job. If your mother is less impaired now and staying straight, she has to pick up the pieces.

The sad thing about this mess is that you've become accustomed--by total need--to being the boss. This is a hard role for a kid and, when you're the child of an addict, sometimes the only significance you've found. You're used to being strong for everyone else. Used to putting your own needs last. And now I'm telling you to give up the only thing you've really had--the job of being the boss. It sucks, I know.

Your sister has no reason to respect your mom. She's not acted like a parent and you aren't her parent (no matter how much you've tried). Her insolence and lack of "helping" is what's to be expected, given the situation. Your sister's developmental age also adds to this being a rough time for all.

You may even be angry because your sister's behavior seems like it could derail your mom's recovery. You might be trying to take care of mom, too. So, not your job, hon.

Let me point out, though, that there are some things to be grateful for. Your sister is attending school and doing her homework. This may seem minimal, but it's more than many children of addicts do.

* * *

There are wonderful and valid reasons for having children...and some really bad ones, too. The choice to become a parent isn't always a choice, but when individuals do take on this job, they need to look at why. This is a massively complicated choice, but we don't typically give it much thought.

Be honest about it, most of us become parents because of something we think the role will be cool. Lots of people ooh and ahh over babies and they seem like a ton of fun. They are cute and cuddly and, for the most part, very much worth the lack of sleep, but think seriously about what you have to offer a child and what becoming a parent will mean to your life before you dive in.

There are good reasons and bad ones. Sometimes individuals have children to make themselves make better choices--get off drugs, get an honest job, get into a stable place in your life. These reasons are movements toward a healthy life, but make the turn here before you have kids. Kids deserve better than parents who struggle with addiction and dysfunctionality.

Above all, don't have a child to give yourself a purpose or a reason to get straight. That's a heavy load on the kid, putting it right in the crosshairs of your issues. Get help for yourself. Don't run the risk of messing up what can be a tremendous joy.

PARENT: VERB OR NOUN

2011-03-04T14:20:00.000-08:00

"I have a 17 year-old who is pregnant. She is involved with the baby's father and has been sneaking behind my back to see him. She lies to be about where she's going because she is seeing him. The baby's father is on drugs, is in and out of jail and steals to get money for drugs. Now my daughter is stealing for him, so he can buy drugs. She has stolen from me in the past. She had a cell phone and a truck that's paid off. We pay her insurance on the truck. When I found out what was going on, I took all that away from her.

She has no help from anyone other than her father and I, as far as, dealing with her pregnancy. She has been in lots of trouble in school since the fifth grade. I have gone through hell for this kid over the years. She is ADHD and refuses to take medication for it. She also has some depression. She makes up stories to tell me, actually making up fictional friends she's supposedly with when she really goes to be with bad people. She has gone to drug houses with the baby's father to get drugs.

I worry about her safety, hanging out with the kind of people she's with. She doesn't have any decent friends because of the way she is. I'm at my wit's end. Do I throw her out because of the trust issues? And if I do this, am I throwing her to the baby's father, who'll get her into trouble? I'm lost and confused. I love my daughter and want the best for her, particularly now that there's a child involved. I'm not even sure of the baby's health. Please any advice you could give me would really help."--Distraught Mother

* * *

Dear Distraught,

This is most parents' worst nightmare. The trouble here is that you're in the gray zone of parenting. She's not quite an adult, but she's making adult decisions that are bringing her adult consequences. I understand that you're afraid for her. I am, too, and I don't love her as you do.

All that being said, there's not much you can do to keep her from making really big, really scary choices. You've tried putting down your foot and it's not doing any good. You've asked if you should throw her out of the house, but it sounds to me as if she's already left.

Here's a sad reality. You can't keep her from doing drugs (even while she's pregnant) and you can't keep her away from the boy who fathered her child. You're human. You can only do so much. At seventeen, she's close enough to a legal age that she would have a right to confidentiality should she see a therapist or a doctor. It's not likely that the police would spend manpower to go after her if she ran away.

She gets to make her own stupid decisions. I seriously do not recommend you chain her up to keep her from doing this. This won't be successful and the consequences for you would be horrific.

You, however, get to decide the kind of home in which you live. If she's stealing from you, you can call the police and report this. You can also tell her that she can leave if her being there is disruptive to your life. I know you don't want to do these things. You want to take her cell phone and her truck, ground her and control her life like she's still seven years-old.

I get that. She's acting like she needs some control and, if she continues the way she's going, she'll end up in the prison system, with her child in foster care.

Here's what you can do: You can insist that everyone who's living in your home respect other's property. You can (which you've probably already done) point out what you are willing to do for her as her parent (cell phone, truck).

Here's what you can't do: You can't make her take you up on any of this. You can't control who she sees or hangs out with. She's so close to being grown up that it doesn't matter. You don't have to continue providing a roof for her stealing self.

Yes, she may (probably will) go to her drug-using boyfriend. How is this different from what she's already doing? You hint that she's done drugs herself. This is extremely harmful to her fetus and to herself. If she delivers in a hospital and her child comes up positive for drugs, the child will be removed from her care by Child Protective Services and she'll have to clean up her act before the baby's returned to her.

Don't keep fighting a losing battle. Accept her choices as painful as these are.

Parenting is a major, major life task and most of us aren't prepared for it. One of the hardest aspects of this job/role is knowing when to quit. You know how significant your own parents were, but it's really important to acknowledge that this job changes.

When children are young, they need to to take care of even the most basic needs. They need and deserve your sheltering care. As they grow older and more capable of caring for themselves, parenting starts to shift from an action to a role. Nothing is sadder than the parents of adult children lecturing the kids on what they should and shouldn't do.

Don't waste your breath.

Kids need your loving belief at that point, but not generally your direction. Yes, they'll flounder and make mistakes. They'll choose bad jobs or careers and even worst relationships. They'll sometimes make a mess of their lives and you'll cry yourself to sleep.

But what your kids really need is your firm conviction that they can pull themselves out of even the most difficult spots. They need you to believe they can do it. Even when they aren't sure of this. They need you to see them as stronger than they do.

And get this--if they're really capable people, they don't need rescuing all the time. When we rescue others, we tend to want to tell them what to do. Kids resent this as much as they resent needing you. It just reminds them of their own weakness. You don't want to do that. You want your children to believe in themselves...even if the road to that self-belief is rocky.

Don't get me wrong, I help my own kids. I just don't do for them what they can do for themselves and I don't tell them what to do...even if they look like they need some direction.

DON'T WANT SEX? FEEL UNDER-LOVED?

2011-02-25T18:59:00.000-08:00

"I am 32 years old and I am married to a wonderful man. However, I find myself not wanting to have sex at all. He begs me and I just don't want it. But if he initiates, then I get into it. Now I just don't find myself getting aroused easily. It's just easier for me to say no."--Why Don't I Want It?

Dear Why Don't I,

Sex in a relationship can be very complicated. There are physical factors that should be checked out, but the majority of sexual issues come back to unresolved problems in the relationship. You didn't mention how the two of you deal with conflicts or what stuff really hasn't been resolved. If there are no indications of illness, you need to consider the relationship aspect of the problem. The fact that you once had a good sexual interaction rules out to some degree that one or both of you have had some earlier traumatic event that interferes with healthy sexual function now.

Ask yourself what irritates you about this "wonderful man". He may be a perfectly fine guy, but he's not perfect. Being married means you see him warts and all, just as he sees you. Sometimes the warts have to be dealt with before emotional and sexual intimacy can be experienced.

* * *

"I'm looking for advice on how to deal with stepchildren. I have a 12 year-old stepson and a 14 year-old stepdaughter. We used to have a good relationship, but when I didn't go along with their program and allow them to get away with a number of things, I became the enemy. Also, when they visit their mom and they return home, they behave as if it is our fault that their mom is in the mess she is in. Please help, I feel like I hate them and want them out of our lives, but their dad loves them to death" --Distressed Stepmother

Dear Distressed,

Of course he loves them. He's their dad and they're his kids. The reality is that parenting is one of the hardest things we do in this world and step-parenting is particularly difficult. It's only natural to want the kids to like you and to be fair about things, but this may not be the case.

You need to understand a couple of things. They are, of course, very concerned about their mother. They love her, just as your husband loves them. It's natural and if she's struggling, they will naturally want to defend her and maybe even to blame others for her problems.

We usually want to believe only the best about those we love.

The other thing that needs to be said is that parenting isn't always the friendliest job. All parents come to realize they can't be their kids' best bud. Sometimes kids need you to be tough with them. Make them go to the dentist, do their homework and earn some of their benefits (they have to learn about adulthood sometime). Kids like none of this and parents get to be the enforcer. We ground them, take away their phones when called for and refuse to let them do things that don't seem safe.

As the step-parent, you also need to be aware that it generally works best for the biological parent to do most of the heavy lifting. These are his kids and he needs to be the strong arm when dealing with their issues. I'm not saying that step-parents aren't important or that they shouldn't have a say--they should, but he needs to be the one getting most of the heat from the kids. It's just his role.

Parents are generally party-killers...and that's part of the job.

Your step-kids may resent you, at times, but your love for their father and your hope for your own well-being means you need to avoid casting them in the role of enemy. You don't have to like them all the time--we don't always like the ones we love--but you have to be fair and reasonable. If you can't function for their best good, you probably don't need to be married to their father.

# # #

Do you ever feel Under-Loved? This is an experience you may have every now and then, even if you're in a relationship that you feel is good most of the time. There are times, however, when your significant other doesn't act like he cares about you or what you want. Your birthday or anniversary is missed, he doesn't say he loves you when he hangs up the phone (or any other time, for that matter) or he doesn't seem to want to spend any time with just you.

If Valentines Day is typically a disappointment or if she's missed an event that's important to you, you don't feel cared for. In relationships, we have times when we don't feel like we're at the top of our mates' list. This is not okay. If you don't talk about it--yes, sometimes you're just being over-sensitive, but sometimes, you have a point--things will get worse. Once unaddressed disappointments enter into the relationship picture, things start going downhill.

Too many people lose relationships because they don't talk about issues. Maybe it's silly. Maybe not. If issues come around again and again, they need discussion. The under-loved moments need to be out-weighed by the really-loved moments for a relationship to be worthwhile.

MAKE FATHER BEG

2011-02-17T06:36:00.000-08:00

"I find myself in a rough situation. My husband and I are planning to tell my daughter that the father she has known all her life is not really her father.

Her real father had not been in the picture and really has not been a part of her life. However, just recently, I have spoken with her real dad and he wants to be part of her life.

Our problem is that we have no idea how to tell her. I don't know what to expect. Especially, since right now she is going through puberty and is up and down with her moods. She is 9, going on 10. Can you give me some advice?"--Conflicted Parent

Dear Conflicted,

You have two issues to deal with. First, your daughter's biological father flaked out on her once. He could do it again and leave her even more moody. Before you allow him to see her, you need to do your best to make sure he's serious about assuming the responsibilities of parenthood (at last).

I'd give it some time. Tell him that you're concerned about him being consistent in seeing your daughter (I'd phrase it like this. After all, she's been your daughter, not so much his.) Have him call you every month or so to get an update on what's going on in her life and how she's doing. I'd also require him to attend at least two sessions with a therapist. Have him request proof from the therapist that he's come and have him show you this. If he refuses to allow you to set the pace, he's not demonstrating concern for this child he's ignored so long. I'd let him go through the courts for visitation at that point...and I don't generally think legal action is preferable for anyone.

Your second and bigger question is about how to tell your daughter the truth about her biology. I don't ever recommend keeping this kind of fact from a child, even if you're trying to cushion the harsh reality of her having a parent who just doesn't care. With starting a new relationship, your husband was your go-to guy. It made sense then, but now you owe her the truth.

This is kind of revelation is always a shock. Don't expect her to be happy with you.

I'd tell her with both you and your husband--her dad--present. Just be upfront. Tell her you've not been honest with her and that you were involved with another man before her dad, you were impregnated by him and the resulting child was her. I think you need to apologize to her for the deceit, adding that you only wanted the best and were trying to shelter her. If she wants to see her dad, tell her he hasn't been stable before this and that you're trying to make sure he's safe for her to see. DON'T TELL HER HE'S NOW SAYING HE WANTS TO SEE HER.

Not yet.

It's very easy for a kid to get swept up in the romanticism of the new parent. Don't tell her about the possibility of seeing him until you're sure he's seriously changed.

She is at a time of big change in her life. I'd be slow to introduce a new parent. When you tell her about her biology, be sure to stress that your husband has been there, both for you and for her. He may have been a jerk sometimes (we all are), but he's raised a child who isn't his. Give him some credit.

* * *

Parents of teens sometimes find themselves in the position of trying to help their teens' girl/boyfriend. I get that. Some kids grow up with parents who aren't good parents and sometimes girl/boyfriends are really great kids. They may deserve much better than they're getting.

At various times, I've really liked the boys my own daughters dated.

But don't under-estimate the challenges of accepting that boyfriend into your home to live. No matter how deserving the kid is, having him live in your home brings a bunch of new issues to the family. The most emotional of these for most parents is the thought of your child in a sexual relationship with her boyfriend...under your roof.

Kids grow up and, basically, we want them to have sex, eventually. Good sex. Life without this is very gray.

We just don't want to have think about it a lot or to have her engage in this activity when she's young and unprepared for the consequences. We certainly don't want to walk in on them having sex in her bedroom. She's a child, for heaven's sake! But bringing the boyfriend in to sleep under your roof is putting the carrot under her nose. It also makes things very messy when (and if) she breaks up with him. They are young, after all, and the relationships of the very young tend not to survive very long. If you bring him into the home and they break up, you'll be in the middle, which isn't where you need to be.

Be very careful and make yourself see the possibilities.

SEX & ANXIETY

2011-02-11T13:03:00.000-08:00

You can pay for Viagra and Cialis and other erectile dysfunction drugs, but your sexual difficulties may be more directly related to anxiety than any physical cause. Anxiety is sexual satisfaction's enemy. For both men and women, anxiety can disrupt the cycle of sexual arousal to sexual fulfillment.

The biggest contributing factor to anxiety and sexual dysfunction are relationship issues.

You can fill the bedroom with red rose petals and pour the champagne, but if you and your partner have unresolved issues, you probably won't have much naked fun. The actual sexiest thing you can do for your relationship has nothing to do with Victoria's Secret or bustiers. You just need to learn to really listen to one another.

Caring enough to focus on and tune into your partner conveys love. Listening is the most powerful tool for this, but too often it seems like listening conveys agreeing. We often feel that just by hearing our partners' concerns and feelings, this means they win. We lose. They're right. We're wrong.

Again.

There's nothing fun or sexy about losing, but listening doesn't mean losing. You can hear your partner--echoing this back to make sure you got what was being said--without agreeing that he/she is King of the Relationship. Being always right isn't good in a relationship (it means your partner is always wrong and that's just no fun), but you need to feel listened to, yourself.

Don't start by demanding to be heard, however. Demands don't usually convey "I love you." If you're in your relationship because you really value your partner, you need to limit the demands. You do, however, need to be heard and understood yourself. It may seem backwards, but start by listening to your mate. Hear her/his concerns and opinions. Repeat these back and keep trying until you can actually say what your partner means.

Then it's your turn. Don't rush into this. Don't think you have to speak your piece right on the heels of your exercise in hearing him/her. This will just convey that you didn't actually listen. But later, a day or so after you work hard at hearing your partner, it'll be important for you to talk about what you feel.

Remember, this doesn't mean you get to say what you think he's doing. "I feel that you...." is not how an expression of actual feeling starts. This is a judgement and an opinion about the other person. You know how you react if someone talks to you this way. You don't want to keep listening.

Don't express yourself in this manner. You won't be heard. When you talk about your feeling--your concerns--your issues--start with "I feel...." You can even say "I don't understand...." or "I don't like...," but stay with your own reactions. Don't make a judgement about your partner. The fartherest you need to go down this path is to say "...It seems like you don't care what happens with our money" or "...I have a hard time feeling loved when you don't care about my sexual experience."

Communication is the sexiest thing you can do and if you deal with issues in the relationship, you're less likely to have anxiety-related sexual performance issues.

HOW TO FORGIVE

2011-02-03T14:23:00.000-08:00

There are lots of professionals who urge forgiveness, saying that forgiving helps victims heal.

This is true, but knowing how to forgive a straying lover or a childhood persecutor or abuser still eludes many. Whether the damage done has to do with being physically or verbally assaulted or if someone was particularly mean to you, forgiveness is not as simple as simply wishing the injury away.

Sometimes, you just want it to be like the event never happened. You want to forget, so you "forgive."

Victims don't want their injury to define their lives and I get that. We also have trouble cutting some people completely out of our lives, wanting to stay friends, even though we don't want to be married to/date/stay romantically involved with people.

Pretty much, we suck at knowing how to end relationships.

It is perhaps most challenging to recover after childhood sexual abuse. Way too many people have had this trauma visited on them--and let me add that none of them deserved it. None. No kid is bad enough to deserve abuse. Sadly, many of these individuals are abused by family members or close family friends. People they want to continue being involved with.

The mixed feelings in this situation are horrendous. Imagine loving the same person who abused you. Very complicated.

Still, forgiveness is good for you. Struggling through life, continuing to hate another person is exhausting. It also can get in the way of third-party relationships. Girlfriends who's husbands attacked you when you were drunk. Your own husband who has been unfaithful to you and now says he just wants to move forward, like it never happened. Forgiveness may be attractive because it seems like it'll lift some of the burden you bear.

But doing this without confronting it completely, won't really help.

After all, your continuing to hate someone doesn't really hurt him. So, how do you forgive someone who betrayed you or assaulted you and stole your childhood?

Forgiveness of a trauma requires you to forgive yourself first. Like the victim of sexual abuse, you never deserve to be cheated on or lied to. Don't tell me all the bad things you've done or how many times you were a witch in the relationship. Betrayal is still betrayal. Even if you did it first, the other person's actions are not excused.

Forgiveness requires acceptance of the injury--this happened to me. Whether you're struggling to cope with a childhood episode or with the infidelity of a partner who promised to stay true, you need to accept what happened...and realize that no matter what you did or didn't do, you didn't deserve the injury.

The next step is to assess whether or not the person who offered you this injury is actually sorry for whatever was done(don't assume this too easily). Maybe so. Maybe not. What you really have to consider is whether or not the relationship in which you were injured is healthful to you overall or not.

Tricky stuff.

You can't forgive/forget an assault to a relationship if the perpetrator doesn't 1.) express remore (really, really, really really sorry) and 2.) change his or her behavior. Big change and if this is an infidelity betrayal, you need to 3.) fix the problems that were in the relationship before the action. And all this has to be sustained, not just a easily glossed-over return to how it was before. Otherwise, you're just asking for a repeat of the hurt that led you here in the first place.

You can forgive a perpetrator who isn't sorry...you just have to remember that this person is himself damaged and can't be trusted in the future.

Forgiveness is about letting go. Believing that the one who hurt you will experience consequences from the universe. You don't have to stalk her down. (Of course, any appropriate legal action has to be considered. You may not choose to pursue it, but you need to think about it.)

Most importantly, don't assume that you can move on without forgiving yourself. You're not perfect. No one is. But you didn't deserve this.

WANT MORE/BETTER SEX?

2011-01-29T04:27:00.000-08:00

Listen close. The secret to good sex isn't in a little blue pill or any pill.

While sex with various, sometimes random partners is the goal for some, most people just want more or better sex with their partners. This is what I'm talking about and it's really very simple--resolve the conflicts between the two of you.

That's it. No bells and whistles.

Resolution in relationships make partners feel cared for and therefore sexier. Now, learning how to resolve conflict between two different people, that part is not easy, but its worth it. While we tend to just hope the crap will go away on it's own, this is a big mistake. Don't believe it. If you guys consistently have the same issues come up over and over, there's no reason to hope these conflicts will suddenly disappear.

Sex between happy, resolved couples is usually vibrant and deeply fulfilling, not to mention more frequent.

Think about it, people who are convinced that their partners really care about what matters to them are more likely to really care about what matters to their partners. It's reciprocal and getting here requires you to deal with the emotional issues between you. Not only will this lead to good sex, it'll steer you away from the number one relationship killer...unsettled stuff.

When you have an argument and you don't feel listened to or respected, this puts a wedge between you two. Every issue, every day, the wedge gets deeper until you end up feeling divorced from the very person you once loved so much.

This is not a recipe for great sex.

Even small stuff like who cleans the house and how you deal with the kids can add up to a disconnected experience. Couples in this situation, start by feeling increasingly bored by what sex they do have. This is kind of crazy, when you think about it because sex by it's very nature isn't boring. But unresolved issues and increasing boredom in the bedroom lead couples to needing crazier and weirder sexual scenarios.

Before you get arrested for having sex in public places or fall into the whole swinging thing(which BTW doesn't lead to better relationships), learn how to really settle stuff. This is a complicated, sometimes painful process, but the results are fabulous.

First off, learn to listen. This is so not as easy as it sounds. People think they're listening when their partners report not having been heard. Try this trick. Shut your mouth when your partner is talking. Listen hard--like you're going to be tested over the material--and don't interrupt or defend yourself. Then, repeat back to your partner everything you just heard. EVEN IF YOU DISAGREE WITH WHAT WAS SAID. This is a big thing, because your partner is sure to see things differently than you and you'll feel compelled to straighten him or her out.

Don't. Just listen. And then repeat it back. If your partner stops you or corrects you when you do this, listen again to what she or he said. Again, like you're going to be tested. Listen and repeat till your partner tells you that you've got it right.

The second step is to then voice your perspective. It'll be different, of course. Don't start your sentences with YOU. Say "I feel...." and remember "I feel that you..." is still starting the sentence with YOU.

When you attack or blame the other person, they don't have the urge to either listen or to then later take their clothes off with you.

Start by listening. It's big.

RELATIONSHIPS ARE COMPLICATED

2011-01-20T09:36:00.000-08:00

K writes,

"I have been divorced for five years. My adult children (32 and 24) live with their mom. I remarried and divorced since then. The problem I ran into is that my adult children were home-schooled and did not get a solid education...just recently obtaining their GED's. I get along good with my children's mom and treat her more like a sister than anything else. Neither one of us want on any level to get back together. I've been working closely with both children over the last year and, although they have their GED's, only one has a driver's license.

The problem I have now is that my now second ex-wife did not want me to go anywhere near my ex-wife's home. Since my two adult children still live with their mom, they feel as if I am shutting them out of my life by not coming to see them there. I have tried to reduce the number of times I go, but this did not calm my second wife's feelings. We divorced after just seven months of marriage. I still love her very much, but feel as if she is making me choose between her and my children. I have told her that I could not promise that I would not go, but would only go if I really felt I needed to and I invited her to go with me, if I did. She wants no part of it and feels that I am putting my children and ex before her and how she feels. My second wife had never had children and is 18 years younger than me. Yes, she is just five years older than my oldest child. I try to understand how she feels about the situation, but I cannot bring myself to do what she asks and not go to their house again. Any advice would be appreciated."--Struggling with Ex-Wife & Kids

Dear Struggling,

Okay, here goes--you asked for any advice, but you may not like what I have to say. This woman who you refer to as your second ex-wife has no right to say anything about your relationship to your children. No, it's not unreasonable that you want to see your kids, even if they still live with their mother.

And you're still acting like you're married to her. Hello! You divorced after only seven months. You may still be seeing one another, but the marriage has legally been declared dead. You didn't ask about this, but I'm going out of a limb to say that marriages with an 18 year age difference don't have much of a success rate.

Be a parent. It sounds like you're doing your best to get your kids autonomous--able to function on their own.

* * *

"Hi, I have three properties. Two are on five acres. I originally had seven houses and a good business, but a state agency closed my business and I lost three houses to foreclosure in 2006. My children helped me buying one house and paying thousands to save the houses I have now. After those three houses were foreclosed on, I made a real effort to rent my other three houses. Although the rents helped me pay on my loans, the banks increased the payments. A solution to my problem is to refinance. This would save me more than $2,000 a month.

Because of my limited income and previous foreclosure, I do not qualify for a new loan and I am in danger of losing my last three houses.

My two children have good credit and salaries. My son makes $15,000 a month and my daughter has $8,000 a month. I asked them to co-sign with me for refinancing, but surprisingly both refused. My question is this--are my children okay to refuse to refinance and to allow our houses to be foreclosed on? I mention that no money is required from them. Just their credit."--Trying to Avoid Foreclosure

Dear Foreclosure,

You're in a tough financial spot, but your children aren't responsible for this. These are rough times for many, but your kids didn't create the financial problem, you did. Credit histories are precious. If they don't want to risk having to bail you out again--they've done this once already--they don't need to co-sign on your loans.

You call these houses our properties, but you bought the houses. You are the landlord, collecting rents and dealing with the hassles and rewards of that role. These are your houses and it's your problem. Although there's often an emotional bond between parents and kids, kids don't owe parents anything (they didn't ask to be born into your care) and your children have already helped you financially. You don't get to keep sucking on that teat forever. You need to cope with your own financial situation yourself.

This is a tricky situation--we don't have control over the people we love, but we're often affected by what happens to them. This part of love sucks.

* * *

We do the things we do in relationship, not because of or for the other person--we do what we do for us. This sounds selfish to a lot of folks, but it's selfish only in the sense that you're taking care of you. This doesn't mean you don't care for others. You're impacted by their choices if you love them. Truthfully, what's good for you can't be bad for them...or it isn't really good for you.

You hurt when they hurt. You get mad when they're mistreated.

Never think that you should be able, then, to control their actions or choices. They live their lives. You live yours. You cannot make their choices, only yours. This is the key we sometimes miss

THE PERFECT SPOILED KID

2011-01-12T12:56:00.000-08:00

A frustrated mom writes, "I have a 17 year old daughter who is every parent's dream in most ways, but her spoiled attitude makes it hard to enjoy the better part of her.

She excels in sports and all the coaches fight over who gets her, and the one that does makes her captain of the team. She is an A-B student. All [the] teachers just adore her, although a few of them have commented on her attitude. She's wise beyond her years and often her peers come to her for advice. She has never done drugs and she's still a virgin.

Sounds wonderful, right? Her downside is she is so spoiled that she orders everyone around [and demands] how things will be. She goes nuts if we deny her money when she asks for it, and even though her car is in beautiful condition, she prefers to drive my SUV because of the image things. She's all about image. I had her drive it in the snowy winter, for safety reasons. But when I told her I needed to swap cars for a few days, she started crying, saying she can't drive her car to school because of her image. I'm a strict parent, and when she pulled that I decided to keep my SUV for even longer, hoping to open her eyes that she should be very grateful for what she has. Her grandmother just reinforces her entitled attitude, though, smirking at her car and saying it's "okay", but not quite up to the standard she thinks her granddaughter deserves. Her grandmother also complains in my daughter's defense whenever she is denied something.

I know anyone close to the situation cannot get their point across, so I thought if you could give your opinion about her attitude, and I will show it to her and her grandmother, to show them it isn't just us being mean or unreasonable, but giving reasonable boundaries that need to be followed. At this point, we are at such war with each other, I'm afraid it will tear apart this whole family--"Unhappy Mom"

Dear Unhappy,

I hate to disappoint you, but the kid won't care what I think. It sounds as if you're raising a bright, determined girl and you have my condolences. All I can recommend is that you need to give her less and make her earn more...and that you accept that parenting isn't a popularity contest. She won't like it and she won't like you. At least, not now.

Grandma is another situation. Many view grandparenting as having the right to spoil the heck out of grandparents. They think the parents have to be the mean ones, as they probably were. I don't agree with this position, but it's pretty wide-spread. Grandparents care about the welfare of their grandchildren and it's not in any child's best interest to be so spoiled and entitled that their teachers comment on it.

You need to accept that your daughter's going to hate all this and hate you, too. We hope she outgrows this and comes to realize that you're acting in her best interests. Most kids do, but the process is truly a painful part of parenting.

BTW, drive the SUV yourself. The kid needs to learn how to handle a car in the snow anyway.

* * *

Look around, more and more of us are struggling with feeling unsafe. We don't believe we have the capacity to protect ourselves, whether this involves good relationship decisions or some sort of national disaster. We drive large SUVs, even when we usually drive alone, thinking the larger vehicle protects us.

More people are dealing with Panic Disorders and we forget that we generally know how to care for ourselves way better than we think. There is no way to avoid the challenges of this world, but you're better equipped to handle these than you feel.

LETTING GO OF THE KID

2011-01-05T14:08:00.000-08:00

At the risk of being called a hypocrite, I'm advocating allowing your kids to make their own lives. Lots of high school students are furiously writing college entrance essays and making themselves sick, worrying about what they'll do now that they're entering adulthood. Then there are the slackers who seem more interested in partying and going to school football games than college--the ones whose parents have to stay on them to even get the kids to go to school.

Either way, you've got to let your kids go.

You have to find a mid-range zone that conveys love and emotional support--maybe financial support while they're actually going to college--without sliding into an over-involvement that earns you the scornful term of "helicopter parent." This mid-range area is dicey and slippery and really hard to maintain (voice of experience). You don't get to tell them how to dress or what jobs they should go after or who to date. They need to find all this out themselves.

Your kids have the right to live the lives they choose. This can be a painful and scary reality, even more so when some people persist in thinking parenting equals outcome. It doesn't. Kids have choice, no matter what kind of parent you've been. They get to be healthy or unhealthy, law abiding or not. That's what this country is about, right? Having a choice. While many of us struggle with this when it comes to our kids, this freedom applies to them, too.

I mention the hypocrite thing because my husband commented the other day that we've participated in eight different moves on our children's part (admittedly him more than me). And my daughters are both still in school, pursuing advanced degrees, so they'll have more moves to go before they're settled. Roger says he's not too sure how many moves he has left in him, but they'll need him and he'll go.

That's the bottom line--when you love the kids, you go. The complicated part is in deciding when it's important for the child to make her own way. When to step back and let the consequences fall. When is it more loving to believe in her? To believe she can make it on her own, even if she is struggling.

There will be times you bite your tongue and don't comment. You've had practice in this. All through adolescence, your kids tried on different behaviors like different hairstyles and, while some work, others didn't.

The older the child gets, the less place there is for your comments. (yes, even if she gets a nose ring.)

One of the biggest challenges in parenting is allowing your children to experience the consequences of their own choices. How do any of us learn, if we don't see the results of our actions?

So, you need to let go of your kid...gradually. This is like when you were teaching your child to ride a bike. You ran alongside, balancing the child while she peddled furiously. Then, when she had the hang of it, you took your hand off and stood, watching her ride away.

These are the bittersweet moments, particularly when the child realizes you're not balancing her anymore and she falls over, startled and scared to be on her own. Lots of parents cavil at this, commenting that their children aren't acting like adults. Still, you have to butt out and let them have the consequences of their choices.

This is what life is about. We parents shelter them from the cold, feed them when they're young and help them learn how to make it without us...because they need this. They need to be okay without us. They need to grow up because we're not going to always be here.

Lots of people say these things about "responsibility" to their children--sometimes over and over until the kid starts mockingly mouthing the words behind their parents' back when they're speaking--but the hard part is following through and actually taking your hand off the bike.

ONLY MY FAILURES

2011-01-01T05:05:00.000-08:00

I'm going to be really honest here about a painful subject...my kids mostly just remember my parenting failures. The moments when I screwed up.

This sucks the big one, but they remember the time when I went all crazy yelling at them--never mind that the yelling moments haven't been all that frequent. They remember the moments their father and I were "over-protective" and didn't send them off happily to concerts with a bunch of other teens when they were still in high school. They remember us going all nutso at a really rough moment in the teen years, when some scary stuff was happening. One of my daughters has talked with some bitterness about having had to work to earn half the money for her first car and having to earn a scholarship to pay her way through a private college.

Yes, the nutso part was regrettable...even though the kid in question was making big, bad choices.

There's no doubt that I screw up sometimes. I say too much and comment on their relationships when I shouldn't, get annoyed when they don't change the empty toilet paper roll (never!) or forget to put away the mayonaise after making a sandwich and I make snide, "joking" comments about these things (which never helps them change, BTW).

I sometimes harbor bitter feelings that 1.) Even though their father and I have been coupled (not in a perfect marriage, but enjoying one that's mostly functional and happy) for over thirty years...and 2.) We're in the relationship business, they don't want to talk with us about their relationships. Not until these relationships are over and they need comfort, do they talk about their partnerships. And even then, we're not supposed to talk about the actual relationship, just make supportive I believe in you statements.

When I'm dwelling on this, though, I have to remind myself that parenting isn't about getting them to like me. It's not even about the outcome--whether they choose to be Mother Teresa or a drug dealer--which is a big misconception. We tend to measure parental success by whether our kids win awards or have big careers or have marriages that seem happy, which is a huge mistake.

We want to preen ourselves over our kids achievements and kick ourselves when our kids make bad decisions, but this isn't actually our call. They have brain cells and they get to choose how they live their lives. Whether I've been a good or a bad parent is actually about my choices, my actions and behavior, not about how my kids live. I get no credit for their successes or their failures. Instead, I need to measure my success as a parent by the kind of parent I've been. If I've cared for them, been supportive and helped them grow...loved them in the truest sense of the word...then I can claim success in being a parent. I've done my part, given my heart and placed them consistently at the top of my list.

Parenting has involved years of trying to figure out how to best respond to a wide variety of challenges, from their not sleeping as infants to their middle school social issues to their teenage angsts.

Still, I need to maintain perspective. When I'm annoyed with their questionable relationship choices or their general clutter, I remind myself that they're doing pretty good, overall. I'd definitely rather they stay in school, than have clean closets. Much, much rather this, although I really like clean closets.

Never let yourself think that having children is just a fluffy, cuddly Mother's-Day/Father's-Day card kind of thing. Yes, it's nice when you get those kinds of cards. Nice when you get a shout-out, an "I love you, Mom" from a televised child of yours. But that's not what this job is about.

The painful truth is that if your kid likes you all the time, you're not doing your job.

Like love, parenting is about doing what's best for the other person.... Sometimes, this is really, really hard.

BULLYING...DO YOU CARE TOO MUCH?

2010-12-23T13:06:00.000-08:00

Ask any teacher and they'll tell you that bullying is a growing problem in the school, so yes, you care. You don't want your kid picked on or harrassed. But bullying by definition refers to any overbearing person who intimidates individuals who are weaker or smaller.... This could describe your boss.

Individuals who use power to intimidate others exist through all age groups and in lots of different situations. If you're being bullied by a boss or superior of some sort--even teachers bully sometimes--your situation is complicated because you need something from this person. Continued employment or a grade to pass the course. These are situations in which you need careful consideration to choose your best response. You'll need to keep track of these events for a while, writing the incidents down, recording these with details that might validate them.

You can then resort to any recourse that is set up in the system--talk to your boss's boss or the school's hierarchy. These aren't great answers, but they can sometimes help.

If children are involved in this behavior, you as the adult should definitely talk to teachers and administration about protecting the bullied. This is their job and most are very, very concerned. They want to do everything they can to make sure students are safe and not traumatized.

I'm actually addressing this subject at the request of a teacher.

Bullying, however, by nature requires a smaller, weaker person. Because we are aware more of this problem, rules and statutes are being put into place that help rein in the bigger, meaner person. Still, it's important for the victim to realize the weak can work at being stronger. Learning to respond to this kind of thing successfully is an important part of life. Bullys tend to pick on those who have weak, victimized self-images. You can change this.

Don't think I'm blaming the victim, though. The person who terrorizes others is making choices. They get to be responsible for this.

In schools, particularly, individuals are bullied by reputation assault and this is fueled largely because kids and adolescents care a bunch about what others think of them. Kind of natural to the adolescent age group, but certainly not limited to them. Concern for others' opinion is a human thing. We want people to think well of us, but if we care too much about this and let our desire to be liked hold too much sway, we actually lose power. We give power away by letting the opinions of a sometimes select group, control our actions.

Any number of kids can tell of threatened reputation assault that they just walked away from. The most powerful action in this kind of situation may be a laugh--it has to be real enough to be convincing. If the intended victim doesn't give a flip what the bully plans to do, nothing really touches them.

In the case of physical assault or attack, of course, the strongest immediate response is recommended. TELL. Report this immediately. Don't hesistate or think this means you're weak. Don't tell yourself you can make friends with your tormentor. Report it.

Bullying is usually about wanting someone to like you or caring too much about them disliking you. Cases of individuals responding to this by killing themselves have hit the media repeatedly. After these tragedies, people are struck by how much the victim gave power to the bully. Even if bad things are posted on FaceBook and MySpace. Even if cyber-space is used in mean and hurtful ways, try to remember that this is just one reality...and it's not even the reality reality.

Life will go on and kids grow up to leave their youthful trauma-filled school days behind. You don't have to remain a victim...you need to care less.

TOO FRIENDLY WITH HER EX?

2010-12-15T12:29:00.000-08:00

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year now. She's been divorced for three years and I'm the first person she dated. She has three kids--ages 10, 8 and 6. Her ex is very much a part of the kids' lives, which is great. He gets the kids every other weekend. ...Since he doesn't have any family here, she invites him to all their family holidays and birthdays,...not just for the kids' birthday parties, but also hers and her brothers. Now, all this I can handle. [It's] a little weird, but whatever.

I met her kids five or six months after we started dating. Over time, I've started being around them more. ...Her daughter asked me if I was going to a fall festival with them. I said I hadn't been invited, but she then said her father was going. I later found out that my girlfriend's ex stays at her place on Christmas Eve so he can be there in the morning when they wake up. He only lives fifteen minutes away. I wasn't happy about all this, but didn't say anything.

My girlfriend has invited me to go skiing with her and her family this winter. It turns out that her ex is going, too, and has even been the one booking the rooms. My girlfriend didn't talk to me about this. I was talking to her dad and he mentioned it. I've talked with her about this, mentioning that it's a difficult situation [for me]. My biggest problem is that she doesn't see why I get upset and she won't even try to understand where I'm coming from.

Now, we don't display much affection to each other. Maybe a hug goodbye. Her middle daughter has made comments that she doesn't like me near her mom because I'm not her dad. I understand that it's natural for kids to want their parents to be together, but isn't all this kind of confusing to the kids?--Dating Her and Her Ex

* * *

Dear Dating,

Sounds like you're confused about her feelings, too.

Yes, I think exs spending holidays together, going on vacations together and acting like friends can be confusing to kids, although this is better than them having a hostile relationship. The bigger issue here, however, is that you're not sure of your position with your girlfriend. If she won't clear this up for you, the two of you don't have much future. Whether or not the ex is around, you need to be first in her affections or get gone.

My sister, who is 15 years older than me, has become a burden and I'm beginning to resent her. She's been a tremendous help to me, so needless to say, I'm feeling very guilty. She's a very passive-aggressive person and has made choices in her life that have led to her being completely alone with no husband, no kids and no friends.

Seventeen years ago, when my husband and I wanted to buy a house, we asked my sister to go in [with us] on the purchase of our house. We needed help and she had some money she wanted to invest. We also thought it was time she moved out of my parents' house. When we first entered into this agreement, it was fine. She was pretty active and took trips by herself or with my daughter. As the years have gone on, she has become a recluse. She doesn't go anywhere (except work) or do anything. She has started to insinuate herself into our lives. In February, she was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. She lost her job and now just sits in our family room for ten hours a day, watching television.

...When her disease progresses, we will have to discuss her going to a facility as our house is not conducive to having someone disabled living here. Here's the thing, ...when we entered into this agreement, we didn't expect this is how it would turn out... My husband and I have been married for almost 19 years and have never been alone in our home. I feel she expects me to take care of her, but it's not in my make-up to do that. Financially, it's out of the realm of possibility. I can't quit my job or take a leave for this.

I'm torn...I don't know how to handle this. I'm in the middle. My siblings are all older than me, the youngest. They know of her situation and her illness, but they don't get involved at all. They haven't even picked up the phone to see how she's doing. In three to five years, my husband will be retiring and we want to sell the house. At this time, my sister will need to make other arrangements, but how do I tell her without sounding like an awful person? My husband and I are looking forward to finally having some alone-time in our marriage. Please help!!! How do I handle this situation?"--Miserable in California

* * *

Dear Miserable,

Here's what you do--sell the house and split the proceeds with your sister, according to the percent she invested. You mentioned her investing in your home. Investments yield dividends. You may not make money on the sale of the house, but whatever you get should be split with your sister, if this was really an investment for her.

If she gave you the money for the house with the understanding that you'd take care of her the rest of her life, your changing your mind will understandably be upsetting to her.

I get that you don't want to sound awful when you talk to her, but don't expect her to be happy about any of this. When you and your husband took her money and cohabited with her for all these years, some assumptions were made--even if you had no clear agreement to care for her--and these persist now. She sees herself as part of your household (she has been) and expects to be cared for as such.

You speak about this being "your home", but it's her home, too. Both legally and emotionally.

What you're doing now, is planning to end a partnership. Don't expect her to be happy about this, particularly not with her disease limiting her health. You certainly have a right not to be her caretaker--not everyone is cut out for this. But you need to get clear about the finances. Sell the house and let her use the funds to provide for herself.

Transitions can be really, really scary, even if these are long planned for and dreamed of. Kids graduating from high school and heading off to college can be totally freaked out, even though they're eager to finish high school and get out on their own. Just think about all the transitions in your life. Even the birth of a baby who's conception was a dream can leave the parents with depression and anxiety. It's a big, dang change.

But change can be exciting and scary. Recognizing these emotions as natural can help you progress forward. Going from kid-focused to kid-free when the children move away from home has long been recognized as potentially traumatizing for parents--it's even got a cute name, the Empty Nest Syndrome. Lots of anxiety and depression comes with the change for some people, but they want their kids to move forward and are looking ahead to a less care-giving life themselves.

Those who marry, those who divorce. Even when the death of an elderly, infirm parent can leave you dealing with many emotions. You may be relieved that your loved one is out of pain, but suddenly you're an orphan.

It's important to recognize that transitions bring lots of emotions and they don't all feel good. The kid going off to college or moving out on his own may worry about making it as an adult. Grown-ups who've been very child-focused may not know what to do with their extra time when there's no kid at home anymore.

Transitions can be both good and bad. Sometimes they feel both ways. Give yourself some time...and if the bad feelings continue, talk to a therapist. Some roads are rough and it's nice to have someone along for the ride.

IT'S NOT ABOUT HER.....

2010-12-08T13:27:00.000-08:00

"I've been with this guy for twelve years. We have two kids together and one on the way. For the past two years, we've been having problems, mostly financial and dealing with me going to school. Once I got into school and started meeting people to study with or get help with my homework, he felt left out and he's been seeing another woman. When I found out, I started hanging more with my guy friends. He was then mad and jealous and wanted us to work things out. His other woman, though, has never left the picture.

I feel like she's doing this because she's not used to being rejected. Both he and I have told her we're going to work on us. I texted her, telling her she can't call me, telling her I'm having his baby and, even lying and saying we're getting married.

This man has never left the house and I know we were both wrong, but how can we get past all this and move on? Is it just lost and I should just walk away?

We still have the best time together. He's with me every day. He cries and is hurt when I say maybe me and the kids should just disappear. He then goes into a depression, not talking and sleeping all day for two or three days. Now, the other woman is supposed to be having his baby. She doesn't seem to care that he doesn't love her. If he did, why is he here with me and not taking care of her? I don't know if this is a game to her or what. I'm so mixed up and have so many emotions. I feel lost and helpless to figure out what's right and wrong. Do I follow my heart or do I follow my mind? I know you have a lot to do, but I really need some advice."--Lost in Love

* * *

Dear Lost,

What's your mind telling you? Do you think you ought to leave him, but you're worried about what his depressed self will do? The problem here isn't the other woman, it's the relationship you have (or don't have) with the father of your children. He may be hanging around you now, and having the best time with you, but not so long ago he was boinking and impregnating another woman. And he was doing this because he felt left out that you were going to school and spending time studying?

When he first stepped out on you, you went the tit for tat route and started hanging out with other guys. Very understandable, but it doesn't solve any problems. You say that the other woman doesn't handle rejection well, but I'm not clear on whether or not he's actually told her to take a hike.

Maybe he hasn't rejected her, at all. On top of that, she's now supposed to be pregnant with his child. (That makes four kids. Someone needs to introduce this guy to a condom.) And he's all depressed because he may lose the woman he cheated on? Never mind the other woman who's also now pregnant with his child.

Also, why would you take this guy's kids and disappear? This sounds a little like you're threatening him. Both the kids and their dad deserve the opportunity to have a relationship, even if he is a cheating jerk. If the other woman is actually pregnant, her child deserves a relationship and financial support from his father (No wonder the guy is depressed.)

You and your boyfriend can't just resume the relationship you had before he cheated. There were problems and these haven't been addressed. No one cheats in a happy relationship. You may have affection for him still, but he's got a mess to clean up before you can even think about putting things back together between the two of you. Healing after infidelity is possible, but only if you actually deal with the problems you had before he decided to have sex with the other woman.

Then, you have to decide if you want to stick with a guy who now has a responsibility for another woman's child, as well as your three. If ever there was a time to use your brain, rather than your heart, this is it. You may love him and care for him, but that doesn't fit with just ignoring the things he's done or the issues between you. Love actually encourages the loved one to deal with their issues, not just hope they go away.

In my book, Should I Leave Him? specific suggestions are offered to help individuals deal with this kind of dilemma.

~ # ~

If you've been the victim of sexual or physical abuse, the hardest and most important thing to do is to Forgive Yourself. Victims tend to be acutely conscious of what they've done to deserve their abuse. Those on the outside know that nothing you've ever done means you deserved this. Nothing. But this is very hard for victims to accept.

Young children naturally see the world from their own limited viewpoint and they think this must have happened to them because of something they did. Even young kids worry about having somehow been provocative. We all want power in own lives. This is natural, but sometimes random crap happens. Things you didn't ask for.

Whether you were abused as a child or assaulted in a date rape, you didn't deserve this. No matter what. No matter how sexy you dressed or acted, you still get to choose when you have sex and young children don't have the emotional or mental capacity to make this choice. Forgiving yourself can be the hardest step in the recovery process.

You deserve better than this. Better than being assaulted, better than being abused. No matter how lame you might be or what mistakes you may have made, you didn't deserve this.

YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN DEPRESSION

2010-12-03T14:29:00.000-08:00

"I'm barely 20 years old, and I feel like the last seven years of my life have been dedicated to depression and other issues. My life is a huge cycle of eating disorders, drugs, depression and finally a period of carelessness. I feel like lately I've dug myself even deeper into this hole, and I can't pretend anymore. I literally have to excuse myself at times because I get a random need to cry and it's impossible for me to hold back my tears.

My feelings used to involve anger and, like I mentioned at some point, pure carelessness, but lately I feel absolutely nothing, but sadness. Suicide has never crossed my mind. My sister has attempted it in the past and I just couldn't put my family through that again. No one knows about my problems, or at least no one has ever really said anything. But I can't keep hiding, not do I want to. I can't continue to live my life in the dark. What can I do to help myself?"--Sad and Scared

Dear Sad,

Okay, this may seem like the wrong question, but why are you hiding this from your family? I don't want you to continue this way, either. You deserve much, much better. You may be an adult now--just having turned twenty--but you've been dealing with this alone for seven years? You talk about not wanting to put your family through the trauma associated with a child attempting suicide and I'm all for you not attempting to hurt yourself further, but why has no one noticed the eating disorders, the drugs and depression.

You need to get a big sign and wave it in front of your parents--I Need Help!!

Sometimes kids keep their problems a secret because they think their parents don't care, but more often kids hide their own stresses because they think parents are already overwhelmed with their own issues. If this is the case, you might feel you need to find help on your own. You might even be trying to carry the load for your troubled sister or your parents. Either way, you need and deserve someone to help you.

If you're insured, find your list of covered providers and immediately start calling for an appointment. The holidays are fraught with people desperately trying to feel what they don't feel. They cancel appointments with therapists or call with great unhappiness. This is the moment for you to make an appointment. If you don't have insurance, many caring providers and agencies offer a sliding scale fee that's adjusted to your income.

Don't wait any longer. Don't tell yourself to just "get over it". You don't have to feel this way. Find a therapist to understand your feelings and help you find ways to crawl out of this nightmare.

This is the time of year when Guilt is mixed in with the gift-giving and party-going. Whether you feel you should (but don't) like relatives because they share the same blood or whether you tend to buy expensive gifts because you feel you ought, guilt is not a good enough reason to do any of this.

The holidays come with high expectations. You may feel pressured to make others happy or to act happy when you're not or to hang around people you really don't like. You may even feel relieved when January second rolls around because then, at least, you don't have to pretend affections you don't feel.

Others may have called you a Scrooge...you may fear that you are one.

I'm going to suggest something really shocking--don't spend time with people you don't like, even if your parents or siblings fit this description. Don't buy gifts for people you don't like (unless this will have major job consequences that you're not ready for). Don't go places you don't want to go, celebrate with people you don't care about or pretend feelings you don't have.

If anything, this season is supposed to be about honesty.

Be with those you love. Guilt isn't a good enough reason to spend your life hating your life.

LOST THE FAMILY LYNCH PIN

2010-11-25T09:19:00.000-08:00

"I am the youngest of three siblings. My brother is seven years older than me and my sister is twelve years older. Our father passed away eight years ago and we were a close family when he was around. He was the one who brought everyone together for family functions and holidays. Since his passing, my brother has taken over the family business and has poured himself into running it. He is rather clueless when it comes to what is going on around him and within our family. My sister resents that he took over the business. She wanted it sold. There is tension between them because of this. My sister lives several states away and is so busy she barely makes time to come home to visit. My brother won't make any effort to see her because he feels like we aren't that important to her. As the youngest, I am stuck in the middle. It hurts that I don't get to see my sister often, as she frequently cancels planned visits. It also hurts that my brother resents my sister and her husband and feels like they don't care about us. I would just like to know what to do to bring my family back together. Being the youngest, they don't listen to me, so talking to them about this is hard. Any advice would be helpful."--Lack of Sibling Communication

Dear Lack,

Some families disband after the loss of a parent and this can be distressing or relieving, depending on your experience. The family business issue is just another version of fighting over an inheritance. I understand your mourning of this. It is like you've lost the connected family experience. The sad fact if that you cannot make your siblings get straight with one another. They are in charge of their own behavior and they get to decide whether or not to heal this breach.

You can, however, maintain a connection with each of them--not as a bridge--but because they're important to you. You can't scold them like children and force them to kiss after fighting (not that this really works with kids, either). If your interaction with your sister is strained by her "busy-ness", make efforts for getting together and don't act out of your hurt. You need to step back and accept the level of interaction she's offering. Don't always expect her to come to you. Go to where she lives and plan this visit when she says she's more likely to have some time to spend with you.

Family interaction isn't automatic or simple. She and your brother have to resolve--or not--their issues themselves. Even if you weren't the youngest, you can't fix this for them.

* * *

"My son will be getting married early next year. My husband and I don't have a bad relationship with him or his fiance (so far). They have been living together for two years and seemed fine. Now that they are getting married, we invited her and her family for a dinner. We wanted to celebrate and talk about the arrangements of the wedding ceremony and offer any contribution to the wedding. We were told that they don't want any type of contribution (not even gifts) and that we are not supposed to invite anyone.

It was very clear that they are paying for everything, they are in control of everything and we don't have anything to do with the matter. We felt very hurt, just shutting up and swallowed this because we didn't want to create conflict. But we also don't feel comfortable attending the wedding either, since the mother of the bride made it clear that she is paying $120.00 for each guest to be at the reception. We even feel that we are costing her $240.00 dollars.

We still didn't get to talk to our son after the meeting and we don't really know how to approach the situation. My son seems to be totally under their control. We are just surprised to find out that they are two control freaks. We don't know what to say or do. We definitely don't want to go to the wedding, but we don't know how to tell our son this."--Please Help

Dear Help,

There is no functional way to tell your son that you're so mad at his future in-laws, his future wife and him, that you won't even come to his wedding. Don't do this. Don't skip the wedding festivities and don't make snide comments to him, his soon-to-be wife or her family members.

I know this will be hard and that your burning to burst out with your grievances and the fact that you don't feel important. But take a step back, for a minute, and inhale a deep breath. Weddings are very emotional events and they don't tend to bring out the best in people (sadly).

Remind yourself that this is only one event; one day or week. Don't make this moment bigger than it is. If your son stays married to this girl, the wedding day will grow dim as they deal with the real life ups and downs of being a couple. If he and his bride truly don't want you to give them a gift, you might have a quiet, private conversation with him about what you want--that you'd like to contribute to their future in some way. It might be that the couple is older and financially well-established. They might be concerned about your financial state or they may feel that you've contributed a lot to him (them) already.

You're hearing the message "Butt out--We don't love you--We don't want anything from you--You're not important to us." They might not have meant any of this. You just don't know. Traditionally, the parents of the bride have footed the entire bill for the wedding, with the grooms parents paying for his and their wedding finery and for a rehearsal dinner. Lots of people are dispensing with this structure, having various reasons to change it up. Still, the bride's parents may feel that this is their gig, not yours.

Let them have it. Really, do you just want to lay out a lot of money for this occasion?

As far as the wedding guest list, you need to speak to your son. This is really his call. If you have family friends (not a massive list of your business associates and the people you want to show off to), you'd like there, tell your son this. It's his day, his celebration and his decision. You're probably very proud of him--and of her by extension--but this isn't primarily a brag-fest.

Lay low and don't throw any fits that will leave a stain on your relationship. Remember, they may have kids some day and you really don't want a lame fight making it awkward for you to build a relationship with your grandkids.

* * *

"I am facing a lot of family problems and I think I need some advice. My husband and I have a one and a half year old daughter. My main problem is that my husband is not as attached to me, but more with his mother and brothers. We are staying in a joint family arrangement. He has two brothers, who're staying in the same house with their wives and us. I think my husband is not thinking about me and our daughter. He is thinking more about his brothers and his mother. I don't know what to do. I am trying to change his attitude about this and I am in pressure...." --Waiting For Your Advice

Dear Waiting,

You didn't say if your husband acts in a loving or unloving way, but only that you're all living in a family home. Your husband's attachment to his mother and brothers is understandable and it wouldn't be good for anyone if this is broken. You cannot change his attitude. As many find out every day, changing a spouse's mind doesn't usually work. If, however, you believe your husband isn't loving or kind to you, you have (hopefully) the option to leave him. If doing this is a problem, ask your family to help.

If you love your husband and don't want to leave him--but just to change the living arrangements--you need to tell him that you love him and mention how much this housing situation is distressing you, stressing that it threatens your marriage. If he doesn't care how you feel or dismisses your concerns, he's not acting very loving and you might need to leave the relationship.

* * *

Remember that Thanksgiving is about more than food and football. Don't let the structure of getting together and stuffing your faces make you forget the purpose of this day. If ever there was a moment to remember what you're truly thankful for, this is it.

The experience of gratitude makes you healthier and happier. Even if your life has major challenges, you probably have some golden moments. Take some time and dwell on these.

It'll make you feel better and more blessed.

TELL HIM HE'S A GRANDFATHER?

2010-11-19T17:01:00.000-08:00

One reader writes: "I got pregnant with my ex and he left me when I was four months along. ...He hasn't made any effort to see the baby and I haven't seen him since we broke up. [Now] I wonder if I should tell my ex's dad about the baby. He knew I was pregnant, but he's not seen the baby, either, and I feel that its my fault that he thinks I don't want him to see the baby. He hasn't made an effort to see the baby, either. I know where my baby's grandfather lives. Do you think I should go personally to his house and allow him to see the baby, so he can see that I have nothing against him?"

No, I don't think you should go to his house. You said flat out that he knew you were pregnant. If he wants to see his grandson, the ball is really in his court. While you may feel badly that your child doesn't have a father (or grandfather), you can't do anything about that. This sucks and you can hate it, but you can't change it. Parenting takes two willing people, (unless we're talking about child support).

Your son deserves to be taken care of and you can take steps to get him what he needs financially. He also deserves to be loved, but you sadly can't make his father or grandfather do this.

* * *

"I am a 38 year old Hungarian woman. Four years ago, I met my husband on the internet and fell in love. I left my whole life in Hungary, including my elderly parents, my brother and my friends. I came to the United States and we got married. We are happy.

I do not have any children, but my husband has a twelve year-old daughter. In Hungary, I had three teaching degrees and was very respected. I was eager and happy to meet my new step-daughter. I did many things to care for my husband and his child, but she never appreciated this and never accepted me...she is always against me, talks back to me and sasses me.... I got pregnant and then lost the baby. I have high blood sugar and blood pressure and [this gets worse] when she comes to visit. She never listens to me. She hates me and everything that is related to me.

She's always bored with us and never likes anything. I texted her mom, telling her some of this after a fight between the child and I, but she sent a message back that I was unreasonable and demanding with her child. I was shocked....I did not expect this.

When she is not in the home, I feel peaceful and calm. My husband goes and sees her every Wednesday and Saturday. This is better for me, but painful to my husband. I think they/we should go to a family therapist or psychologist. ...My husband and I still love each other very

much, but we argue a lot. What do you think?"

Step parenting is very difficult, but you need to understand that this child didn't ask for you in her life. She probably didn't get to vote about her parents divorcing. I'm not saying that she should have had a say-so about this, but don't expect her to like it, either.

I think this kid isn't ever going to like you. Maybe she wouldn't like anyone who was her father's new wife. I don't know. You need to quit trying to win her over. Let her be her father's problem and if she doesn't want to come to his house, he's the one to deal with that. You, on the other hand, need to remove yourself from this fight. You can't win it and you can't make everything nice between you all. Her mom's on her side because this is typically what moms do, they side with their kids.

Be the adult. Let her be a jerk, just don't be one yourself.

* * *

An Anonymous reader wrote, in response to the "Always A Cheater?" column:

"I'm the cheater. And I am so sorry, but not only am I sorry, I want to know what I can do to help the relationship heal. We had problems before, I know the cheating is all on me. I want to go to counseling. He doesn't. He left, but is coming back as friends and "parents" to "our girls"--my daughter and granddaughter. He says he doesn't want me or anyone, at this point, but we have a chance in the future. We have both said we aren't going to see anyone else. I'm not, I swear. I NEVER want to see the hurt in his eyes caused by me that I witnessed. Ever again. What can I do?"

Go to counseling yourself--by yourself, if necessary. You feel horrible about cheating, but stop telling yourself you are a horrible person. You're not. You messed up and made a bad choice.

Go to counseling and deal with your part of the issues that weren't addressed in the relationship before you cheated. Even if he doesn't want to go to therapy with you, you can benefit. You don't want to hurt him again, but you can't take all the relationship problems on yourself. He had some part of them. He didn't cheat, but he has some part of the issues. Let's let him have some power in this--power goes with responsibility. You can't have one without the other.

Learn what you need to learn and work hard on forgiving yourself.

* * *

As we approach the Thanksgiving season, it's important to remember what you're really grateful for. We tend to forget these things as we charge ahead in life, dealing with the daily issues. No life is perfect, but every life has some good parts.

Love yours and be thankful.

THE FAMILY YOU CHOOSE

2010-11-09T07:30:00.000-08:00

We have a lot of mixed feelings about "family." Depending on the luck of the draw, for you family can mean a loving, supportive unit of people who look a lot like you....or it can be a code word for hell.

In the Western world, the end of the calendar year is a period traditionally loaded with family time. This can be really good or really bad, depending on your personal experience.

Although individuals tend to define family by biology--the people with whom you share DNA--dictionaries have a much wider view of the word. Family can be defined many ways, but in general it is a basic social unit. A group who share common interests, lifestyles and goals can feel like a family.

It's not always about biology, but many view their physical connections as carrying lots of emotional baggage. I hear all the time that individuals continue having contact with troublesome relatives because of this biology. When I ask about the continued contact with the difficult or harmful relative, I get "...because he's my brother" or "...because we're family", including the ever-popular "..because she's my mom!" This latter statement is always made in shocked tones, as if the individual is startled that I'd even ask the question.

What if your biological family isn't the Norman Rockwell version? It may be far, far from this. What then? You may have little incommon with your siblings and share no affection for them. It this is true, the holiday season usually brings difficult decisions.

Many individuals view biological relatives as a kind of existential anchor. The people who came before you. To some extent, we view ourselves as occupying a place in a line of relatives--we have a place there. There is then the tendency to see our interactions as years of investment. We think of what we owe our parents and grandparents like their care for you was a debt to which you agreed. Sometimes we struggle, feeling alone and naked in a cold world without some form of family interaction, even when our interactions with biological relatives are far from loving and nurturing.

There are "bad" families. My work with foster kids has shown me this. Yes, there are kids in foster care whose parents are just messed up themselves or who are scrambling to get their lives together, so they can care for their kids again. But there are also other situations--the sad, sad ones with children who've been abandoned or abused or both.

Biology doesn't equal love.

Unfortunately, those children of less-than-loving families can think their situations are about them...that they somehow deserve not to be loved. This is so far from the truth. No matter what we've done or not done, we still deserve love. Still, individuals struggled with the belief that "...if my own family doesn't love me, I must be a horrible person."

So not true.

Family can be a warm, supportive place, a shelter to which you run when you need to lick your wounds or a group of people who fiercely back you up. But this doesn't have to be biologically-based. Adopted children are often greatly loved. Chosen and loved.

Maybe it's time to let go of the biology-as-family definition and move instead to where we define family as those who love us--those who act loving toward us, not just say the word.

Maybe family is defined by what's in the heart.

* * *

Confidential to Ista:

You may think your wife is yelling and upset over nothing, but this isn't usually the case. She's mad about something. Your best bet is to try really hard to listen to what's upsetting her. Don't explain or defend yourself. Don't try to "correct" her. Doing these will just give her the impression that you're arguing. She may make statements that you think aren't true. You still need to hear what she feels, what's upsetting to her. After she tells you that you've heard whatever is upsetting her, then you get to tell her what's upsetting you. Only after you listen, though.

Much would be solved in relationships if we learned how to hear each other.

WALKING THE PARENT TIGHTROPE

2010-11-05T15:10:00.000-07:00

Don't think having kids will sudden confer a personality transformation on you. You'll still be the same person and you'll have taken on one of the hardest jobs on this earth. Parenting has many rewards, but it's no cake walk.

First, you have to walk the careful line between abandonment and entitlement. You want to be there for your children--to give them love and devotion. Whether or not this was your experience growing up, you want this for your children. But can you give them too much? If the Big Depression left children growing up carefully watching their pennies for fear of having nothing, this era has raised an Entitlement generation.

The children growing up now--and those who are young adults--have been given toys and electronics at the drop of a hat. Heck, we give children who aren't having a birthday presents to keep them from feeling bad that the birthday child has presents. Something is seriously wrong here. Things are offered to adjust emotions and then, we expect kids to say no to drugs and alcohol and risky relationships that do the same--make the bad feelings temporarily go away.

Bad feelings aren't fun, but they aren't the end of the world, either.

Parents and grandparents pamper children and then get upset when the kids are demanding, bratty individuals who refuse to grow up and support themselves. In this scenario, when have kids ever been expected to care for themselves?

The opposite of entitled children are the kids who's parents have ceased to care for their emotional needs. Parenting is a gradual taking off of your supportive hands, kind of like when you were teaching your children to ride a bike. Then, you ran along-side the child, holding the bike up while he pedaled. As he found his balance, you began to withdraw your hold until you took your hand off completely...because he was riding on his own.

When learning to ride a bike, the kids might fall. Then, they learn the lesson of getting up, dusting themselves off and giving it another shot. Lots of moments like that in life.

Parents sometimes start off, though, lavishing attention and time on their young children, giving them an abundance of stuff and excuses for their misbehavior, only to stop doing more than putting a roof over their head when they reach more challenging ages. Just withdrawing when parenting gets hard, isn't taking your hands off the bike, it's withdrawal.

But doing the gradual thing requires you to be connected to and in tune with your children. It can be painful and difficult to watch them fail. We hurt when our loved ones fail, but letting them learn is so important. We tend to rescue for ourselves, not for them.

The most loving parenting involves giving kids a firm structure, within which kids are free to negotiate, if they want. Certain things are completely unacceptable--hurting others, destroying property--but some things can be discussed and given in moderation. It's a challenge to find the right balance at times, but the combination gives your kids a strong foundation upon to rest while they're growing up.

Be reasonable and consistent with structure; don't waffle. If you identify and follow through with consequences, they'll generally learn how to handle life. You have to believe in them, believe they can learn to do what's best for them. This is the best gift you can give your child. When you believe in the child's capacity--to cope, to grow, to handle the bumps of growing up--your child gets the message she's okay. That's a gift--I know you're going to be okay. I know you have what it takes. If you truly believe this about your child, you don't need to rescue him.

As parents, aren't we working out way out of our jobs? This is my belief about therapy, too. I'm working my way out of a job, helping clients learn what they need to move forward without me. This isn't a forever role. Neither is parenting. Like it or not, one day you won't be there for your kids. You want them to be strong and capable and successful people...even when you're no longer around.

ONCE A CHEATER?

2010-10-26T11:29:00.000-07:00

Maybe there's more to this question than common knowledge suggests. Many people believe that cheating in a committed relationship is a personal flaw that cannot be changed. I think that's an over-simplification. Some individuals adhere to this belief, thinking they just need to shun those who've cheated and that the cheater will never change, but this can be simply an attempt to try and feel more secure. The story goes that you just need to leave a cheated-on relationship and move on to someone who won't betray you.

Only this isn't so easy. Cheaters don't come bar-coded for easy identification and, as difficult as it is to make happen, people do change. We're not born with a set of behaviors that we're just stuck with. We get to choose the actions that work for us and change the ones that don't.

All that being said, some people who cheat once, do cheat again. Others, though, never cheat again. If you're the betrayed party, you feel hurt and mad and you want assurances that you'll never be hurt again.

The reality is, however, even if you leave the cheater, you can't be assured that the next relationship won't go the same way.

If you've been betrayed and heart-wounded by infidelity, you need to do the difficult thing and learn whatever you can learn from the experience. This is brutally hard. When all you want to do is crawl off and lick your wounds--in between moments of coming back to beat your mate--it's very, very difficult to step-back enough to look at the problems in the relationship before the breach.

Just thinking about looking at these issues can seem like you're being blamed for your mate's bad behavior. This is never true. Cheating occurs when the main relationship is struggling, but the choice to get naked with someone other than the mate can only be the cheater's choice. This isn't ever anyone else's fault. Ever. If you've been betrayed, you may have been told that your mate wouldn't have stepped out on you if you had more sex with the mate, bitched less at him/her, didn't flirt with other people, et cetera, et cetera.

Even if your mate never told you the cheating was your fault, you may still wonder: Was it something I did? Nope, not your fault.

However, while the cheating can only be the choice of the cheater, the relationship between you and your mate is 50/50. You both contribute to whatever happens between you. While this may seem blaming, it's really not. Unless you cheated, the cheating isn't your fault. It is very important, though, that you see your part in the relationship. You are responsible for your behavior in the relationship. If you have no impact on your mate, we're saying you have no power. Having no power is scary and unacceptible.

So, you have half of this thing--not the cheating--but half of the relationship.

You need to see that you can make your life better. You need to see what you add to the problems, so you can change your actions. This is your power, so learn what you need to learn from your damaged relationship.

Once a cheater, always a cheater? Maybe. Maybe not. The relationship needs careful examination and you need to look at what you want. You get to decide whether you stay or go. No one gets to tell you what to do. Ever. Not your mother. Not your professional therapist. No one. This is your decision.

You may not have anything else to give this relationship. You may be done. Your call. Even if your partner is really, really sorry, even if there were problems in the relationship and you weren't always an angel. Still, your call. Go or stay.

Never be ashamed of staying, though, and working to see if anything can be resuscitated. Staying doesn't make you weak, stupid or foolish. If you stay, there's something in the relationship of value to you--you hope you can make it a great deal better. Stay and change things. Stay if you can actually see improvement.

Issues in relationship don't just go away and the cheater saying "Sorry, I'll never cheat again" doesn't fix the problems, but the problems might actually be worked through. Maybe.

Having cheated once doesn't guarantee that an individual will cheat again. But the only way to hope to achieve this is to address the problems, to find better ways to successfully deal with issues.

Stay and work on things or go. Make your choice based on what you need and on whether the issues in the relationship can be resolved.

SIBLING RUPTURE

2010-10-20T12:43:00.000-07:00

Sibling relationships can go one of two ways--you can be stuck like glue to one another or feel as disconnected as scattered Legos. The home you grow up in has a big, big impact on this, but not necessarily in a specific direction. Children who grow up in terrible situations sometimes cling together as if they're bonded by Super-Glue. The opposite can be true, too. Horrible situations can pit children against one another and traumatize them in ways that make sibling connections deeply complicated.

To some individuals, sibling divisions are very troubling. They lose sleep over this, struggling to find ways to make the connection whole again. Others--for reasons that are unclear--never really make a connection in the first place.

It's hard to fathom the side you didn't grow up in. The very-connected siblings cannot understand the very-disconnected siblings and vice versa.

Sometimes siblings just choose very different lives and cannot bridge the gap or do not care to bridge it. Values separate individuals who share DNA just as they separate us all. If on the other hand, you have valued your sibling and now find that something divides you, careful examination is called for. Look at your own actions--at yourself. It's too easy to see what the other person should have done(or not done). The harder thing and the more valuable question is to ask yourself what you've contributed to the problems.

Sometimes parents--their last years, their demises or their wills--break open a fissure in sibling relationships. Sometimes, parents work very hard to bring siblings together to no avail. Parents have an impact, but the siblings get to decide how their relationships will be resolved.

Parent involvement in this situation can go either way or be totally irrelevant. (I think of the two, I'd rather be part of the problem. At least if you're part of the problem, you can work to fix your part of the mess. When the mess is nothing of your doing, there's not much you can change to make it better.)

The most important thing siblings can do, however, is that same loving act we can offer to all--respect the other person. Oh, I know that some choices made by others are deeply repugnant and leave you not wanting to associate with them. But most people aren't Dexter--and even he has a value system although very twisted. Most of us are seeking validation that means something to us. Pretty simple, really. What we value isn't necessarily what our neighbors value. Some people really respect the highly-educated. Others think education is a waste of time and money and value something different like wealth.

We want different things and sometimes different lives from our siblings.

The point is that barring those values that incorporate murder and mayhem, most of us are just trying to create lives that matter. If your siblings choose very, very different paths--different religions or no religion at all--acknowledge that person's right to seek that which is valuable. The trouble is that we too often view different as some kind of judgement about our own choices. Whether you're seeking a life in a seminary or you love the thrust-and-parry of the business world, someone else choosing a different life doesn't mean they think you're wrong in your choices.

Your siblings might have messed up pretty badly, but just as in other relationships, you can't change other individuals' choices or behaviors--only your own. If you have a ruptured relationship with a sibling, do your best to work on you and accept him/her.

Both can be hard.

MY TEACHER FROM THE PAST

2010-10-15T17:24:00.000-07:00

I was always a drifty kid, prone to flashes of intelligence, but I was really bad at finishing my work. At least, that's how I remember it and, honestly, I don't remember a lot. The names of classmates, even as recently as college, are lost to me, mostly because I've always been pretty introverted and didn't know how to interact with the world.

And the past isn't greatly important to me. (Sorry FaceBook aficianadoes who avidly look for elementary schoolmates whose names they remember.)

I've forgotten most of my classmates and all but a few teachers. I have great respect for the teaching profession, not because anyone in particular took an interest in me and guided me toward my eventual field of focus, but because I've come to see this as important, hard work--teaching.

I saw this most clearly as I witnessed the folks who guided my children's footsteps at various points in academia, particularly the early teachers--the ones who gave them a foundation and helped them learn personal responsibility for school work. My children are both better scholars than I ever thought to be and I attribute this to their early teachers. They've had some great (and no so great) teachers through high school and college. Some of which were very helpful and important and some of which stunk.

As do many of us, I have a teacher who impacted me negatively and who left me cringing. I was too much of a pansy to even cause this woman any trouble in class. Ironically, this was an English teacher and I've forgotten her name, not because of my classroom trauma, but just because I don't focus a lot on the past. At least not the details, like her name. I remember the incident in which my teacher humiliated me, though. I remember it this way probably because I was a wuss. I should have blown her off or given her classroom-hell, not groveled in my skin.

I think she was stupid in what she said--an English teacher--who when walking the aisle between the desks before class, chose to criticize scornfully my choice of reading material. Yep, I had a book lying on my desk. Not a piece of classic literature, but a frothy light read. She felt it necessary to criticize this in front of my classmates. She was openly scornful. Now, you might wonder at why an English teacher didn't fall to her knees at this evidence, thankful that a high school student was reading for pleasure, but no. This wasn't her response and, at this point, I pity her--yes, a little scornfully--but I think she really missed an opportunity and I feel sad for her.

I continue to read all kinds of things for pleasure, but she lost me in that moment. (I'll bet that I now have a better vocabulary than does she.)

Like I said, I have a great respect for teachers. They work harder than we know, they deal with kids who're irritating and with parents who make them want to pull their hair out. They see the neglected kids and confiscate random electronics from the entitled kids.

Not an easy profession--teaching--but an extremely important one.

Now, to my other remembered teacher. Again, I don't have a clue what his name is. "Mr. Something-Or-Other." But this guy had a profound effect on me. I was part of the great experiment in the early seventies--one of many students who went to a new school with an Open Classroom format. Now, don't think I'm advocating for closed classrooms and ankle monitors for students, but this Open Classroom format allowed my sixth grade self to easily sneak away from my class. Which I did on a regular basis.

I spent many an hour in the girls' rest room giggling and talking with friends.

Toward the end of the school year, however, I had a day of reckoning. My male teacher sat me down and told me that, if I didn't finish the work I'd been neglecting, I wouldn't move on to seventh grade. Now, mind you, my academic goal has always been to get out of school. I was smart enough to know that failing a grade wasn't going to help this.

What I really respected about this teacher who's name I don't remember is that he stated the situation simply and directly. He didn't yell at me, didn't say I was stupid, didn't threaten to call my parents--he just told me the consequences of my choices. Do the work and pass. Don't do the work and repeat sixth grade,

I finished the work and passed.

He did me a big favor, that teacher and I've thought of him many times. I wish I remembered his name, so I could thank him personally, but I don't. In many ways, I'm an idiot. So, I'm taking this opportunity to tell those of you who dedicate your lives doing something I'd never do--Thank You. Thank you, Mr. Name-I-Can't-Remember-Teacher.

Thank you for leveling with me. For talking to me like I had a brain and could use it.

You made a difference in my life, even if I can't remember your name. Good karma is being sent your way and has been all the way through my grad school degrees. I appreciate you. I just hope you feel appreciated.

You made a big difference in one kid's life. I hope yours is good.

STEP-PARENT MISTAKE

2010-10-08T14:22:00.000-07:00

Blending two families is a major task and there are pitfalls, but the biggest is when parents want their chosen mate to act as their children's father/mother. You as a parent get to decide if you're going to divorce. You also choose who you date or marry, but you can't make your kids love the same person you love. It's not automatic, no matter how many good qualities you think your chosen partner has or how many bad qualities your ex has.

First off, kids have to deal with the loyalty factor. No matter how bad a parent you think your ex is, he or she is still the biological parent. As such, your kid probably feels a strong loyalty to your ex, particularly with you now dating a newcomer (or worse yet, your kid's best friend's father or your kid's teacher). Even if your ex doesn't pay child support or regularly visit with your kid, the kids still going to feel the loyalty.

Don't try to fight this and don't try to tell the child the truth about your ex. It won't work and your child will just think you're making stuff up. (They have to make up their own minds their parents--you, too.)

So, what to do? If there's no way in hell that you could ever see yourself reconciling with the ex, now what? If you're not okay with taking a vow of celibacy for the rest of your life, you're going to have to deal the a step-parent situation.

Rule One--don't ask your new mate to be a parent to your kids. He/she isn't responsible to make sure the kids do their chores and should be giving out punishment. This isn't fair to either of them. Even if they got along okay with the girlfriend/boyfriend in the beginning, the kids aren't necessarily going to be happy about someone who isn't their parent telling them what to do. Kids are told what to do all the time. They're not happy about having someone new telling them to clean up their rooms.

This scenario isn't good for the step-parent, either. It puts them in the role of the bad-guy and keeps them there.

Rule Two--don't ask your kids to act like this is their biological parent. Just because you fell in love and decided to share your bed with someone new, don't expect them to fall for him/her, too. Even if the actual biological parent sucks, don't think you can just pick a different one now.

So, how do you step-parent? Who gets to decide how you're all going to live together?

Set up a two-level approach: There should be basic house rules that apply to everyone. That means his kids, your kids and, yes, even you adults have to abide by the rules. Things like--if you drop it, pick it up; if you mess it up, clean it up. Basic rules. Clean up your own area, pick up your own towels from the bathroom floor and never bring home a pet without talking about it.

These basic rules are enforced by both adults in the home--kind of a universal thing--but be careful that these apply to everyone. You and your mate have to follow these rules, as do visiting children from either/both spouses' previous relationship. Be fair, don't play favorites. It never works to have two sets of rules...if anyone is expected to clean up after themselves, then everyone does. In particular, don't start applying the rules to one kid, but not another. Or think you're exempt because you're the adult.

Everyone follows the basic rules.

Specific kid situations, however, should be handled by the biological parent. Any consistent issues or problem areas that involve illegal activities are the areas in which the real parent needs to step in.

There are two ways in which this structure is breeched--sadly both of the biggest infractions are made by the adults. If one of you needs to have the validation of being a "parent" and feel you should be obeyed at all times by kids to whom you were insignificant before, then you'll have a problem and the kids will resent you. Try to remember--I'm not the kids' parent, no reason why they should act like I'm important to them.

Truthfully, kids don't always act like their biological parents should have a say-so, why should they give you the time of day?

Problems can also come from childrens' biological parents (who've felt all alone in parenting and overwhelmed) wanting their new romantic partners to step-up and take some of the parenting load. They want the step-parent to make the kids behave and do their chores. They tell them to "be my kid's parent." Single parenting is very difficult. Heck, parenting with two parents is stressful, at times, but co-opting a step-parent to do the job for you just leads to problems.

Your mate feels thrust in the middle of an unwinnable war and your kids feel betrayed.

Wanting to blend your families is an understandable desire. You just want everyone to get along and, if you came through a challenging, difficult earlier marriage/relationship, you probably want happiness and peace now. Who doesn't?

But you have to allow your kids and your mate to get to know each other and when we're talking about the intimacy of parent, this can take quite awhile. Don't think you can thrust intimacy on to everyone and don't think you get to decide who either your kids or your mate is supposed to love. Kids have choices. They like some people and don't like others.

Just like you do.

BAD SEXUAL DECISIONS?

2010-10-01T17:04:00.000-07:00

There are the girls on SEX AND THE CITY and a bunch of sleazy websites who choose sexual partners purely for the erotic buzz they think they'll get, but do you know why you make the sexual choices you do?

Why do you sleep with whoever you sleep with? Of course, "sleep with" is a code term for doing the nasty/getting down and dirty with/exchanging bodily fluids with or the more clinical term--having sexual intercourse with.

Let's not get into the Clinton/Lewinsky debate over what sexual relations are, okay?If an intimate part of your body touch someone else's mouth/hand/sexual part, let's call it sex.

Do you know why you have sex with whoever you're having sex? Sexual decisions are tremendously complicated. It's sometimes beyond our comprehension why we are attracted to the people to whom we're attracted, but we really need to explore this. Understanding what flips your switch will help you have less of the morning-after regret and a healthier life both physically and emotionally.

There is of course the very old school--"get married before messing around" approach. Individuals adhering to this see sex as part of an emotional and usually religious partnership. Parents who're freaked out by the thought of their kids making sexual decisions of any kind usually preach this mantra to their teens: marriage then sex. This was a very typical sexual decision making requirement in the days before divorce became so sadly common. It offered the semblance of security and permanence and chastity.

Not so much anymore.

While marriage is a commitment within which sex can be a very intense emotional connection, nowadays people strip down to their bare-nothings on hardly more than a handshake. There is the often quoted "three date" rule that states couples should get physically intimate after seeing each other three times. Lots of folks view this as a fairly cautious approach, since they don't go out three times with someone they're not interested in.

This is a silly viewpoint, in that you can't know a person within three dates. Don't fool yourself. No deep or serious connection can be forged in that short an acquaintance. You can feel a lot for another person after this duration of acquaintance, but you don't know them.

Still others, go home with interesting sexual partners upon the first meeting. Go clubbing and you'll see any number of people who do this. Making sexual decisions based on the tingling of private parts may seem like a good idea, but you need to really protect yourself--both sexually and otherwise--if this is your typical behavior. This is stranger sex at it's most up front. You didn't pull up a hook-up website; you went to a bar, downed a few appletinis to lower your inhibitions and went eeny-meeny-moe.

Whether you find a person to date through friends or your church or a dating website, you need to know why you make the sexual choices you make. Knowledge puts you in charge. I'm big-time into you being in charge of your own life. Self-knowledge is empowering. Scary, too, sometimes, but ultimately empowering.

Illegal situations aside, sex involves a decision. How do you decide who you get in bed with?

BEHAVIOR TRUMPS DNA

2010-09-22T15:14:00.001-07:00

Before anyone accuses me of being anti-family, let me say that I think family is very important...but maybe not the most important thing, depending on your family.

Having loving supportive parents and siblings is a wonderful luck of the draw. Some people are fortunate enough to be born into families that encourage and add to their lives. Other individuals--through no fault of their own--are born into families with emotional issues or with chemical dependency problems. Sometimes the people to which you're biologically-connected are a burden or a threat to your personal sanity and safety. Luck of the draw.

This isn't a deserved thing.

We have a tendency, though, to think that our family situation is about us. It's true that you have a part in your relationships. Thank heavens, we get a say-so. Whether you are loving or mean to the people in your family is your choice. Our behavior matters and we aren't just victims of the families into which we're born. But, you have nothing to do with how the members of your family behave. You also can't change them.

The tricky part comes in when your family members exhibit behavior that doesn't seem loving.

Love is sometimes challenging and painful(streeeetttttcccchhhhing you), but never harmful. If you don't find any value in a family relationship--if you wouldn't have anything to do with these people if you weren't related--you really need to examine why you maintain the connection. Sometimes, the people you expect to love you, don't. Not really. They don't take your best interests into account or put your personal development at a high premium.

So, maybe you're not loved by the people who share your DNA.

Shocking suggestion, I know, but one that needs to be mentioned. Biology does not determine connection. Just ask a child who's been neglected or abused by a biological relative. Love is an action, not biology and not just words. I like words and I think verbal communication is very important to relationships, but let's be clear: love is about action. If behavior doesn't reflect love, then you're not loved.

To some individuals, biology seems so vital that they can't imagine not having involvement with family members, even when the interaction is conflicted. However, relationships need to be based on something more than DNA. Not looking at and taking into account the nature of your relationship can limit you and your growth.

Sometimes, in some situations, families are toxic. They negatively impact your emotional and mental health. When this is the case, you need to consider ending the relationship. Before you come to this conclusion look at your actions--the stuff you're doing to contribute to the problems. Change what you need to change--that's your power. Then, if you can't alter the unhealthy interaction, you need to stop it. As harsh as that sounds, if your family is hurting you, stop interacting with them.

WORKING MYSELF OUT OF A JOB

2010-09-17T12:31:00.000-07:00

Lisa writes: "I'm 17. All my family does is fight. My family downgrades me every chance they get. They sometimes hit me and always cuss and yell at me. I feel like I have so many secrets and no one to talk to...I know my family wouldn't believe me. I don't know what to do or how to make things right. I want my family to love me and I wanna be happy...I am happy until my dad is around. Then it's just yelling and threatening and sometimes hitting. Please reply and please help me."

I wish I could make it all better, Lisa, but some families are unhappy and abusive. It's just the way it is and this sucks. You don't deserve this, no matter what you've done.

You've asked for my help....the one big piece of advice I have is to get an education. Stay in school. Complete your assignments. Ask your teachers for help. (Yes, they really do want to help.) And then when you've graduated, get out. Out of your biological family.

It sounds toxic.

You can't make your family stop yelling and arguing, but you can make a different life for yourself. It's hard when you want the people who raised you to be different and to love you. Sometimes, they just don't.

* * *

Good therapists are working their way out of their jobs.

In recent years, individuals have embraced the idea that brain chemistry can only be changed by taking antidepressants, anti-anxiety medication, anti-whatever pills. Many are convinced that they have a lifelong issue and will always need to be medicated.

Not necessarily true. Brain chemistry can be changed by the way you think. This isn't just a matter of thinking everything is okay, making it okay, but it means that you're in charge of your own life, even when it doesn't feel this way. It can be very difficult to deal with feelings and personal perceptions, but my job as a therapist is to help you find the tools to enable you to change your experience. I'm working my way out of a job.

I want you to prosper, to create the life you want. I believe that most individuals have the capacity to do this.

Learn to confront your own issues. Learn to believe in yourself.

SON OR HUSBAND?

2010-09-10T16:41:00.000-07:00

A reader writes: "I was married and divorced two years later because there was no understanding with my first husband. We mutually agreed to divorce, after which my infant son and I stayed with my mother. Nine years later, the man I worked for proposed marriage. I took some time to decide as he was already married and had two kids. I finally agreed to marry him.

As we work together and I travel on business with him alot, I depended on my husband's first wife to care for my son. Initially, this seemed okay, but after a few months, she began harassing my son. She complains about him to my husband and she kept my child outside. My son stayed with a colleague for a week because my husband's first wife wouldn't let him in the house.

My husband supports his first wife, saying my son is not good, that his culture isn't good and his blook is bad. We argue. My son is only 12. Once when my husband was drunk, he started arguing in front of everybody. He said my priority was my son, not my husband. He started beating him. I was afraid and, early that morning, took my son to my mother's place before coming back. My mother is now caring for him. Because of the pressure in my house, I keep my son at my mother's. If I don't, I know my husband's first wife won't feed him or care for him. How can I keep him with her?

My husband--also my boss--loves me. Although I have learned a lot after marrying him, I have not completed my formal education. My husband has taught me many things at work. He encourages me, but his expectations are high. He takes care of me, but not my son. Sometimes, he drinks and degrades me, saying he is not my priority. My son is. I am scared my husband will throw me out of the house or my job. And yet, he won't accept me staying somewhere else, but says we have to stay together. If I have to leave, I leave both husband and job. Sometimes, I feel suicidal. What shall I do?"

In different cultures, marital expectations vary, sometimes involving multiple wives. While the guy mentioned above happens to have two wives at the same time, the issue isn't so different than a step-parent situation. The problem here--found in many cultures--is that of mate or child?

There's also the reality that leaving your husband means leaving your job. Maybe that's scaring you the most. You've taken your son out of the home, so I know you're concerned for him. The question is whether or not you want to raise your son. Right now, your mom is caring for him.

Your son is only twelve. In most parts of the world, he's not considered even close to being an adult. He still needs a parent. I assume--since you didn't mention him after the first sentence--that your son's father isn't involved. That just leaves you. You've already had the determination to leave one husband and take your child. Are you afraid that you can't do this again? Afraid you won't get another job?

I can't think of another reason to stay....unless you're in the favorite wife role and leaving would mean giving that up. You say your husband loves you, but his actions don't seem loving. He might cling to you. Maybe your husband tells you he needs you, but your son is part of you--you had to sneak him out of the house to protect him. Your husband actually beat your son. It doesn't matter that he was drinking. This isn't love.

Don't confuse being needed with being loved. Not the same thing. You're under a lot of pressure and you say you're feeling suicidal. Why stay? I can understand fear--not being sure you can get a job. Fearing that you won't be acceptable because you didn't get your degree. [Note to other readers: GET YOUR DEGREE!]

You made it before as a divorced woman and divorce is way better than suicide. Give yourself and your son another chance at life without the man you now call "husband."

DID SHE CHEAT?

2010-09-03T06:58:00.000-07:00

A male reader writes, "I need advice on what to do. My wife has been abused, raped and mistreated [before].... Last Thursday, my wife went our mutual friend's...to watch his kid for him.... When he got home, he tricked her to drink alcohol.... He then commenced to do things (take her clothes off, touch her, etc.). The whole time, she was saying no, but was too drunk to do anything about it. When I got there...I asked where she was.... I went to the bedroom [and] she was getting dressed. So, she cheated on me. I feel betrayed. I hit her and choked her and I don't remember any of it. All I remember is walking up to her, yelling at her. Then I grabbed her by the neck and pushed her against the wall. I let her go when I realized what I was doing.... Before I went to rehab, it was normal for me to black out when angered and to do very bad things. I feel horrible for hurting her like that, but I hate her for cheating on me. She had promised me in the past that she would never drink when I'm not around.... [Later] I found out that she'd been raped. I have been cheated on before. To me, it is the worst thing your partner can do to you. She has known that's how I feel about it since before we started going out. Yesterday, I was able to sit and listen to...her side of what happened... She told me that she was tricked into drinking,... In any case, I still feel like she cheated on me. I'm lost. Now that I know she was raped, I just don't know what to do. I need advice on what to do, not just for me. I can handle that, but for her."

Dear Reader: For a man who claims to black-out when angry, you remember a lot of what you did to her.

If you believe her story, she didn't cheat. She was raped. Rape is not the victim's choice. Not their fault. Certainly, they were not assaulted because of what they wore or said or, in this case, drank. Rape is a violent act and being raped isn't any kind of betrayal to you. It's a very, very bad thing that happened to her.

I'm not sure I understand. If you believe her side of things, why would you still feel like she cheated? Cheating is a choice. Rape victims don't choose. You can't even be upset that she drank without you, since she said she did this unknowingly.

On the other hand, you might doubt her story and think she wasn't raped, but willingly chose to have sex with your friend. Your reaction fits this. If you question her claim of rape, then you need to seriously look at what this relationship is doing for you and decide to fix it or leave.

I don't recommend that you lay hands on her again. No matter what she might have done, she doesn't deserve this and if you get physical with her, it'll only get you into more trouble.

Relationships can be resolved and get healthy after infidelity, but only if both partners are committed to looking at and changing themselves and moving beyond the problems--which were there even before the cheating.

If she was raped, the woman needs to report it to the police (even if they don't do anything about it) and get counseling. You probably have local services just for this. Talking with someone about the trauma really can help.

LOVE OR DESPERATION?

2010-08-28T04:42:00.000-07:00

Being beautiful, skinny or rich doesn't guarantee relationship happiness. Hollywood hook-ups and break-ups show us this over and over. What we think will make us happily mated, doesn't always do so.

I saw a foster child in play therapy yesterday. On Fridays, my husband and I enjoy going together to do in-home therapy with foster kids. We both do this individually on other days, but on Fridays we make it a point to go together. (Foster kids are both lucky and unlucky. They are cared for in loving homes that are not their own--but they aren't with their own parents...lucky and unlucky.)

This Friday, I happened to be exiting a child's bedroom after her session when Roger was passing into another child's room. As we were going down the stairs, my client innocently asked me why Roger has no hair on back part of his head.

Roger has male pattern balding and he hates it.

When we met in high school, my husband had a thick, luxuriant head of hair. It was the seventies. Guys wore long hair as a rebellion and a fashion statement. Roger had a mustache and chest hair, even in high school. Hair wasn't a problem for him then and it's something of a sorrow for him that he's losing it now.

But I don't care--I mean I care that he cares, but his bald spot doesn't diminish his attractiveness to me one bit. Not even a little. This is not because I'm tremendously wonderful or saintly. I just happen to feel loved by my husband. I experience being valued by him everyday. This matters a whole lot more than hair.

Relationship happiness is a sometimes elusive goal for most of us. Feeling loved is a great reason to be in a relationship..... Feeling desperate isn't.

Too often when individuals sit in my office, talking about their unhappiness in their marriage or with the person they're dating, they say they would leave--but they don't want to be alone. Although an individual recently posted a message on this blog, accusing me of not believing in marriage, I think relationships are tremendously important. Whether you're married or cohabitating, having a significant other is really significant. I've been married for thirty-two years. Not all of these were blissful, but we learned a heck of a lot.

In a healthy, working relationship, you learn a lot about yourself. This is a big part of the gift of love. Research tells us that being in a relationship adds to your physical health and contributes to you living longer. Together can be really good for you when you're happy, but there is a strong tendency to stay in relationships for another reason....people are afraid to be alone.

Some things about not having a partner do suck. You go to parties alone, you don't have anyone to warm your feet in bed on cold nights. You don't have a sexual default.

But staying in an unresolved, contentious relationship where you no longer enjoy or have respect for your partner isn't good for you. (It isn't good for your kids either, but that's another topic.) It makes a lot of sense to take a good, hard look at how you can resolve the issues in your relationship. You need to learn what you're contributing to the mess. You need to work on changing your behaviors that aren't healthy.

And you may need to leave.

It's just a sad reality that unresolved conflict leads to the death of whatever love was originally in the relationship. It may be over. You may be done.

If this is the case, you need to move on. Staying because you don't want to be alone isn't good enough. Lots of people hate being alone. They don't like not having someone at their side in the mall. They want a bookend. While being alone may not be the ideal state for an adult, it's better than getting into or staying in a relationship just to avoid being alone.

When you're trying to make a in-or-out relationship decision and you find yourself wavering, ask whether this is love or desperation. Being so afraid of living on your own indicates a lack of belief in yourself. And I'm going to say that this is largely inaccurate.... You are way more capable than you give yourself credit for.

When a relationship is a bad fit from the start--different values or too similar a personal outlook--you're better off being alone.

Being in love is good. Being in desperation is bad. Don't let this lead you in the wrong direction.