DON'T FORGET THE ONE YOU LOVE

This may seem like a silly thing to say, since we assume we couldn't forget the person we love. People sit in my office all the time, however, wrestling with major conflicts with the person they love the most. While it isn't possible to live conflict-free in a relationship, you'll do better at working these through, if you remember that you love this person.

When dealing with couple clients who are addressing everything from frustration over who washes the dishes and takes out the garbage(yes, the small things do count) to crippling infidelity, I usually ask the same question. Why do you love this person? While some couples bristle when asked this--assuming I'm asking Why do you love this jerk?--I have a good reason for asking it. I'm not inferring that you don't actually love the jerk (that he even is a jerk, no matter what you're facing) or that you shouldn't love him. Far from it.

I ask you this question because sometimes you've forgotten why you love the person you're with. When facing relationship conflict, it's easy to slide into a very frustrated place.

You need to remember why you fell in love in the beginning. Odds are, the characteristics that first drew you together are still there. Your mate may be annoying; he may not defend you when his relative say mean things; he may sometimes overspend on things you think are frivolous--but you once felt loved by this person.

Unresolved issues can simmer at the roots of a relationship, slowly killing it. The reason you fell for this guy may not now exist or may never have existed. Clients don't hesitate to tell me if this is the case. But if some parts of the reason you loved him in the first place are still there, you need to remember these.

Few things in life are black and white.

We're dealing with a bunch of gray where life is complicated and complex. This goes double for relationships. Even if you're very, very annoyed with the guy across from you, you probably don't wish him dead. You'd find your world sadder and lonelier without him and we just need to learn how to work out the stuff you hate.

Of course, there is the possibility that the arguing has gone on too long, he's lied to you too many times or done worse. Sadly, sometimes you wouldn't miss your partner if he were completely out of your life, but this is usually not the case.

Don't forget the one you love.

CAREER CHANGE?

Making enough to keep a roof over your head and food on the table is good, but the time may come when you want more. Some individuals just fall into jobs and while these fit some, others feel trapped. Some individuals believe they can’t make the same amount of money at any other job. People often believe they are too old to start something new. However, these concerns don’t need to stop them from checking out possibilities. A friend in her sixties recently stated she wished she’d become a nurse instead of pre-school teacher. It’s when we don’t allow ourselves the freedom to explore ways to do what we want to do in life.   If you've been on a certain track for years, changing to a new career can be scary and complicated. Sometimes, the hardest thing is discovering what you want to do, instead of what you're doing. Where the heck do you start in figuring this out?

Think about what you like to do. While there aren't many jobs in playing computer/video games, you may have a hobby that you picked up because you have a knack. It can be difficult to assess what you're actually good at because most of us have a tendency not to be impressed with things that come naturally for us.

You may very well have a gift that indicates you're intelligent spatially or especially good with words. You need to ask those close to you, what they think are your best abilities. While your friends and family might have a hard time being objective about your future, their opinions can be helpful. You can start there.

The next step is to talk to someone who is objective--both about you and about the availability of jobs. Remember to take with a grain of salt the things said to you by individuals who are invested. Don't rely on the "counselor" at an expensive school or training facility to give you an accurate picture on the jobs open to you, if you trained there. Check it out yourself.

Talking to a therapist or counselor can help you sort through both what you have to offer and what you want from a new career. The therapist might very possibly have an idea what would be involved in such a career shift--training, relocation, job realities.

If you feel stuck where you're at, looking at other possibilities might be a good choice. After all, hating what you do and waiting around until your retirement can leave you bitter, unhappy and potentially too tired to do the things you've always dreamed of.

OBSTUCTIVE PARENTING

The last thing most parents want to do is get in the way of their kids' happiness, but being a parent is one of the most up-close, challenging jobs in the world. We can actually end up hurting the very kids we love so desperately.

Take the most obvious example--actively trying to keep kids from spending time with a parent you're no longer with. Endless numbers of experts have made statements about parents not fighting in front of kids and that kids need both parents in their lives, if at all possible. Lots of research indicates that children without fathers have a harder time in school and in life and few would dispute that mothers are massively important.

The people who ignore court-ordered visitation of the non-custodial parent and throw up every boundary to keep the kids away, they aren't primarily concerned with what's happening to their children. These folks are mad and use every weapon at their disposal to punish the ex. Sadly, in doing this, they most hurt the kids they are supposed to love. You know, the weapons.

It is ironic, that we can also get in our kids way--not only by keeping loved ones away from them--but by giving too much to the children we love. Yes, you need to check the urge to give your kids the things you didn't have. Although you probably hated those character-building moments when you struggled for everything you got, you probably benefited from the struggle. You got a great gift--if you gave yourself credit for your achievements. You learned that you can make your world what you need it to be. You proved you have the power to make stuff happen.

Everyone knows an adult still living in his or her parent's basement--not working or going to school. Lots of folks lost jobs in the economic downturn or struggled to make a living at a low-paying jobs, but some kids (using the term loosely here) never make the shift to making their own way in life. One of the worst things parents can do for a child is to give him everything.

Good parenting is about loving kids--making sure they are safe and secure when they are young and getting the heck out of the way as they grow older. This last part can be difficult because it sometimes means standing back and watching while our children struggle. This is painfully hard.

Whether your ex is a jerk who skips visitation and you have the urge to lie to your kids about "daddy loves you, he's just working" or if you just really hate our ex, staying out of the relationship gives your kid the best shot. Many parents who try to obstruct the ex's parental involvement say they're just trying to protect the child, but children need to begin dealing with the realities of life, so they start believing in they're own power.

They also need to earn their perks.

Give your children the things they need--clothes to keep them warm and a safe place to live. Believe in them. Listen to them when they talk about their challenges, but remember, the parenting role is designed to move from all-caretaking to all-cheering. Verb to noun. Action to description. You parent when they are younger; you are a parent, when they become adults.

Giving them all the luxuries of life may be fun for parents, but it doesn't help them build the muscles they need to do the heavily lifting that life requires. Don't step in when your kids can handle their own challenges...and they can do this more often than parents think.

When my eldest child worked at 6 Flags, she called in sick to play hooky one day. Her boss called the house to check on her and her father and I innocently said she was at work. She was busted. Although it was difficult, when she showed up home later, we took her car and sent her back to work--in the family sedan--to face her boss.

The most powerful gift you give your child is believing in his capacity to handle difficult things. That means, you not always rushing to the rescue.

THE RELATIONSHIP POWER SCALE

No one wants to talk about power issues in a relationship, but these are typically present and can cause issues if not addressed. When individuals fall in love, they usually don't want to look at the nuts and bolts of issues. When they're focusing on riding off into the sunset together, talking about problems that may spring up feels like inviting trouble.

There's no denying, however, that power issues can rock a relationship off it's footings--

It's all about the cash:

Money is a big power issue. This can start with which partner makes more money and segue from there into other issues, like "I work harder and make more money, so you should handle the household chores" or the kids. Possibly both. Money can effect whether partners stay when things are bad in the relationship. This may involve not wanting to change a lifestyle(to which you've become accustomed) or not having a skill set to enable the leaving partner to support him or herself.

Some still struggle with gender issues and money. Although this is less common amongst the younger generation, many men grew up with the expectation that they'd be the breadwinner of their families. They may feel disenfranchised by having a wife who makes more money.

Money issues reflect conflicts elsewhere, as well. Couples can bitterly resent unfair spending of money and often wrestle with whether the highest wage earner gets more say-so about where money is spent. 

What's age got to do with it:

Whether the man or woman is five or more years older, age can impact several parts of relationships. Having a partner who has a different generation perspective can be challenging as individuals age. One may prefer different social activities or different music. You may even be uncomfortable socializing with your partner's preferred group.

Age can also influence preferred lifestyles. This can involve the time at which you settle down and stop partying hard, the changes in where you want to live and if you're ready for(or finished with) childrearing.

Educational or career disparity:

When person has significantly more education than the other, it may not be a problem, at all. But in the complex configuration of who's got more power, education plays a role. This may be seen in who has more career options(and so the other should move to wherever the high wage earner wants to go) or even issues of who's "smarter".

By the way, having more education doesn't mean anything about having a higher intelligence.

Relationships are one of the hardest things we do on this earth. It pays to be aware of who feels less-than and how power is used to address conflict.

FAMILY ISSUES EXPLODE

Put a bunch of relatives together who have unresolved business, add in high expectations and you've got a holiday gathering that results in hurt feelings all around. The most joyous time of the year...

If alcohol and firearms are involved, this can be a deadly time of the year.

You have the highest expectations of the ones you love. They're supposed to know you and love you the best, but this is not always so. Some families don't have the tools to deal with explosive issues or some family members may try to bury hurts, trying not to ever face them again.

Don't count on these conflicts not coming up.

It can be difficult to come to terms with the reality that these differences can only be resolved when both or all family members involved actually decide to address the matter. Professional counseling can help. Some folks, however, don't think jealousies and hurts will ever be solved and they then think it best to never go there.

But buried challenges have a tendency to spring up when we least want them.

All the celebratory stuff that goes with holidays--indulging heavily in spirits and food--push tolerances to the edge. How many folks strategize and plan how they'll interact while driving to a family gathering?

Don't bring up whether cousin Brandon has a job yet or Don't mention that your mom's weight loss surgery doesn't seem to have slowed her eating down. 

It's not that you don't love these people. They're family and you might love them deeply, even if you don't like them. Challenges can abound, however. The range is remarkably typical: Rivalries between siblings, anger over children's or siblings life choices, money lent and not repaid. It can be as deep as how one deals with historical child abuse or as shallow as how different family members vote or spend their money. Some people struggle because their parents seem not to care about them and never really seem concerned about how their lives are going. Some individuals are frustrated by parents who can't seem to manage appropriate boundaries and want to tell them how to live their lives. 

As if getting all together wasn't difficult enough, throw in the giving of gifts. When individuals don't feel their relationships are equal or when they don't feel really loved, they tend to weigh with an eagle eye the money that was spent on gifts. Parents know this. Why do so many of us run around trying to get equal gifts?

Given the heavy family emphasis at this time of year, many people try to gather in spite of problems. They subscribe to the let's just pretend this isn't a problem now theory.

So, people can feel bruised after the holidays are more tense than they'd hoped.

Maybe January is a good time to start working toward resolving problems or at least work toward finding a personal decision on how you're going to respond. The holiday season comes once a year, but there are many celebratory opportunities throughout the year.

It might be time to give yourself the present of talking with someone about how best for you to handle these.

RELATIVES YOU LOVE...BUT DON'T LIKE

Holidays don't always bring out the best in families...no matter how hard you may try. This is the time of year when individuals often succumb to the "perfect family" goal. Furniture advertisements abound, as do flooring ads. At this time of year more than any other, we want our homes--and our families--to be perfect. The Norman Rockwell image of a loving multi-generation family gathered around a beautiful table upon which sits a golden turkey--it seems to capture what most want for the holiday season, if not what most have.

Of course, there are people who don't eat turkey for Christmas or don't celebrate the holiday at all, but the image continues to resound for a bunch of us. For most, it's easier to get the turkey, whether on the perfect table or not, than to have a warm, loving family moment.

Let's admit it--most individuals have relatives they love very much, but don't like. The relatives of adult children too often have the belief that they should always be able to comment on the relationship choices, childrearing practices or voting tendencies of those who grew up with them. I am assured over and over that they love these adult children, but they just won't keep their observations to themselves.

I realize how hard this is, particularly when you used to change these particular adults' diapers as babies. Trust me, you should just shut up.

Some individuals have grown up in families who didn't care for them physically or emotionally. Whether the child of an alcoholic or in a family where physical and sexual abuse took place, some biological relationships are harmful.

You can still long for it to be different.

Even if you haven't had to deal with abuse, you can have hostile, dysfunctional, unloving family interactions that leave you not liking relatives, even though you love them. Some families are not like the Cosby Show, where jokes abound and love is always the bottom line.

There are some situations when relatives are toxic.

This is a painful reality and never more so than during the season of supposed good cheer. Individuals often try to ignore relatives' bad behavior during this time of year. They tell themselves it's only for a few days and they struggle to shut out relatives, even when they have to tolerate bad behavior.

Some folks are creating "families" from groups of loving friends. This is a good option when biological family is harmful or extremely unpleasant. Despite what you see on the movies on The Hallmark Channel, sometimes relatives you love aren't people you like.

ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR LOVER'S FEELINGS

It's not enough to hear the words your partner says, you need to let him know you got the message.

When in sessions with conflicted couple, it's common for mates to disagree when their loved ones say they don't feel heard. First off, this isn't something you can disagree with. You don't get to tell your partner that he doesn't feel the way he just said he feels.

You may be surprised, but you don't get to disagree unless you're prepared to say "You are lying to me." That's pretty much the message. If you are convinced your mate is lying to you (about his feelings & possibly other stuff), the relationship is probably pretty damaged.

Partners are frequently surprised by the emotions their mates express. You may not understand. You may be very confused--and saying this is very reasonable--but you don't get to flat out disagree that your partner doesn't feel the way he just said he feels.

Actually, really listening to your partner's opinions and feelings is very important in relationships. We often don't realize how poor we are at this, but when a person feels heard, he's more likely to feel understood. When people feel understood, they usually feel loved.

Therefore, if you want your partner to feel loved--and more inclined to stay in the relationship--listen.

But it's not enough to receive his words into your ears and decode these with your brain. At this point, he still probably doesn't know you've heard him. Partners' frequently assure their mates that they heard and that they understand, but this doesn't produce the same positive results as when you acknowledge you lover's feelings.

The hard part of this is when your mate has told you they feel something you don't think is accurate. For example, sometimes partners don't feel loved when certain things happen or when their mate does a certain other thing. It's very common for the mate to respond that, even though they may have done something or said something that got interpret this way, they still love their partner.

But if it's not felt, it doesn't matter.

Try this--when your mate tells you how he feels(even if you disagree with this), echo it back to him. "So, you're telling me you feel unloved and unappreciated." If this seems too stilted, try a variation "When I go hunting(or out with the girls) without checking to see if we had other plans, you feel _____." Fill in the blank with the feeling your partner has shared.

You need to tell him what you heard him say. This confirms that his words didn't fall on deaf ears and that you actually are paying attention to his communication.