DON'T FORGET THE ONE YOU LOVE

This may seem like a silly thing to say, since we assume we couldn't forget the person we love. People sit in my office all the time, however, wrestling with major conflicts with the person they love the most. While it isn't possible to live conflict-free in a relationship, you'll do better at working these through, if you remember that you love this person.

When dealing with couple clients who are addressing everything from frustration over who washes the dishes and takes out the garbage(yes, the small things do count) to crippling infidelity, I usually ask the same question. Why do you love this person? While some couples bristle when asked this--assuming I'm asking Why do you love this jerk?--I have a good reason for asking it. I'm not inferring that you don't actually love the jerk (that he even is a jerk, no matter what you're facing) or that you shouldn't love him. Far from it.

I ask you this question because sometimes you've forgotten why you love the person you're with. When facing relationship conflict, it's easy to slide into a very frustrated place.

You need to remember why you fell in love in the beginning. Odds are, the characteristics that first drew you together are still there. Your mate may be annoying; he may not defend you when his relative say mean things; he may sometimes overspend on things you think are frivolous--but you once felt loved by this person.

Unresolved issues can simmer at the roots of a relationship, slowly killing it. The reason you fell for this guy may not now exist or may never have existed. Clients don't hesitate to tell me if this is the case. But if some parts of the reason you loved him in the first place are still there, you need to remember these.

Few things in life are black and white.

We're dealing with a bunch of gray where life is complicated and complex. This goes double for relationships. Even if you're very, very annoyed with the guy across from you, you probably don't wish him dead. You'd find your world sadder and lonelier without him and we just need to learn how to work out the stuff you hate.

Of course, there is the possibility that the arguing has gone on too long, he's lied to you too many times or done worse. Sadly, sometimes you wouldn't miss your partner if he were completely out of your life, but this is usually not the case.

Don't forget the one you love.

THE RELATIONSHIP POWER SCALE

No one wants to talk about power issues in a relationship, but these are typically present and can cause issues if not addressed. When individuals fall in love, they usually don't want to look at the nuts and bolts of issues. When they're focusing on riding off into the sunset together, talking about problems that may spring up feels like inviting trouble.

There's no denying, however, that power issues can rock a relationship off it's footings--

It's all about the cash:

Money is a big power issue. This can start with which partner makes more money and segue from there into other issues, like "I work harder and make more money, so you should handle the household chores" or the kids. Possibly both. Money can effect whether partners stay when things are bad in the relationship. This may involve not wanting to change a lifestyle(to which you've become accustomed) or not having a skill set to enable the leaving partner to support him or herself.

Some still struggle with gender issues and money. Although this is less common amongst the younger generation, many men grew up with the expectation that they'd be the breadwinner of their families. They may feel disenfranchised by having a wife who makes more money.

Money issues reflect conflicts elsewhere, as well. Couples can bitterly resent unfair spending of money and often wrestle with whether the highest wage earner gets more say-so about where money is spent. 

What's age got to do with it:

Whether the man or woman is five or more years older, age can impact several parts of relationships. Having a partner who has a different generation perspective can be challenging as individuals age. One may prefer different social activities or different music. You may even be uncomfortable socializing with your partner's preferred group.

Age can also influence preferred lifestyles. This can involve the time at which you settle down and stop partying hard, the changes in where you want to live and if you're ready for(or finished with) childrearing.

Educational or career disparity:

When person has significantly more education than the other, it may not be a problem, at all. But in the complex configuration of who's got more power, education plays a role. This may be seen in who has more career options(and so the other should move to wherever the high wage earner wants to go) or even issues of who's "smarter".

By the way, having more education doesn't mean anything about having a higher intelligence.

Relationships are one of the hardest things we do on this earth. It pays to be aware of who feels less-than and how power is used to address conflict.

RELATIVES YOU LOVE...BUT DON'T LIKE

Holidays don't always bring out the best in families...no matter how hard you may try. This is the time of year when individuals often succumb to the "perfect family" goal. Furniture advertisements abound, as do flooring ads. At this time of year more than any other, we want our homes--and our families--to be perfect. The Norman Rockwell image of a loving multi-generation family gathered around a beautiful table upon which sits a golden turkey--it seems to capture what most want for the holiday season, if not what most have.

Of course, there are people who don't eat turkey for Christmas or don't celebrate the holiday at all, but the image continues to resound for a bunch of us. For most, it's easier to get the turkey, whether on the perfect table or not, than to have a warm, loving family moment.

Let's admit it--most individuals have relatives they love very much, but don't like. The relatives of adult children too often have the belief that they should always be able to comment on the relationship choices, childrearing practices or voting tendencies of those who grew up with them. I am assured over and over that they love these adult children, but they just won't keep their observations to themselves.

I realize how hard this is, particularly when you used to change these particular adults' diapers as babies. Trust me, you should just shut up.

Some individuals have grown up in families who didn't care for them physically or emotionally. Whether the child of an alcoholic or in a family where physical and sexual abuse took place, some biological relationships are harmful.

You can still long for it to be different.

Even if you haven't had to deal with abuse, you can have hostile, dysfunctional, unloving family interactions that leave you not liking relatives, even though you love them. Some families are not like the Cosby Show, where jokes abound and love is always the bottom line.

There are some situations when relatives are toxic.

This is a painful reality and never more so than during the season of supposed good cheer. Individuals often try to ignore relatives' bad behavior during this time of year. They tell themselves it's only for a few days and they struggle to shut out relatives, even when they have to tolerate bad behavior.

Some folks are creating "families" from groups of loving friends. This is a good option when biological family is harmful or extremely unpleasant. Despite what you see on the movies on The Hallmark Channel, sometimes relatives you love aren't people you like.

ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR LOVER'S FEELINGS

It's not enough to hear the words your partner says, you need to let him know you got the message.

When in sessions with conflicted couple, it's common for mates to disagree when their loved ones say they don't feel heard. First off, this isn't something you can disagree with. You don't get to tell your partner that he doesn't feel the way he just said he feels.

You may be surprised, but you don't get to disagree unless you're prepared to say "You are lying to me." That's pretty much the message. If you are convinced your mate is lying to you (about his feelings & possibly other stuff), the relationship is probably pretty damaged.

Partners are frequently surprised by the emotions their mates express. You may not understand. You may be very confused--and saying this is very reasonable--but you don't get to flat out disagree that your partner doesn't feel the way he just said he feels.

Actually, really listening to your partner's opinions and feelings is very important in relationships. We often don't realize how poor we are at this, but when a person feels heard, he's more likely to feel understood. When people feel understood, they usually feel loved.

Therefore, if you want your partner to feel loved--and more inclined to stay in the relationship--listen.

But it's not enough to receive his words into your ears and decode these with your brain. At this point, he still probably doesn't know you've heard him. Partners' frequently assure their mates that they heard and that they understand, but this doesn't produce the same positive results as when you acknowledge you lover's feelings.

The hard part of this is when your mate has told you they feel something you don't think is accurate. For example, sometimes partners don't feel loved when certain things happen or when their mate does a certain other thing. It's very common for the mate to respond that, even though they may have done something or said something that got interpret this way, they still love their partner.

But if it's not felt, it doesn't matter.

Try this--when your mate tells you how he feels(even if you disagree with this), echo it back to him. "So, you're telling me you feel unloved and unappreciated." If this seems too stilted, try a variation "When I go hunting(or out with the girls) without checking to see if we had other plans, you feel _____." Fill in the blank with the feeling your partner has shared.

You need to tell him what you heard him say. This confirms that his words didn't fall on deaf ears and that you actually are paying attention to his communication.

YOU GET THE BEST & WORST

Relationships add to your life. Insurance statistics say this--people who are married live longer, but living intimately with another human being is one of the hardest things we humans do. Really smart people have no edge here. Married or not, your partner gets the best...and the worst of you.

This is in the nature of close relationships. One would think we'd be at our best with the people most important to us, but this isn't always true. Because we feel loved by our mates, we let down our guards and sometimes, we aren't nice people. All people have their good and bad moments. It's part of our natures to sometimes struggle.

We get irritable, snappy and annoying, at times.

When you have a partner, she gets a front row seat to all of this. Of course, she was probably a loving presence when you suffered the loss of a parent or close friend. She may have been the bright spot in some really rough times. Even if she held your hand in rough times, she can be very annoying, too.

Close relationships are, you know, close.

Part of the reason this happens is because you feel loved and cared for with your partner. You feel accepted, even the ugly parts, and you relax. This is one of the wonderful things about being in a loving relationship. You get to relax and quit trying so hard. Unfortunately, for some of us that can mean not trying at all.

We forget to do and say the sweet things that we did and said when we were courting. We can forget to act as if this person in front of us is the most important person in our lives.

In my younger days, I was struck by a statement a divorcing friend made. She said she'd thought that she and her husband would "be together always." A young married person at the time myself, it occurred to me with blinding reality that this may not be a good belief. In the security--which we all want--of thinking this is the person we'll spend the rest of our lives with, we stop trying. It's as if we feel we no longer need to act each day as if we love this person.

Connection doesn't mean not trying.

Yes, it feels great to be loved and we do tend to give the ones we care about some latitude. We cut them a break. I remember telling my husband, when my kids were small, that I'd rather them act up with us because we loved them. We tolerated more of their shenanigans than someone less invested. But this reality can become relied upon too heavily and get strained to the breaking point.

Whenever I see in counseling an individual trying to decide whether or not to stay in a relationship, I recommend they weigh the good of a relationship against the bad. If you want to ensure that your relationship doesn't fail, work on that balance: more good than bad.

The best way to do this is to place your partner's interests at least as high as your own.

LAST DITCH EFFORT--MAKE RELATIONSHIPS LAST

I get why people don't come into counseling when they first have trouble in a relationship. It's weird to sit down and talk to a complete stranger about very personal things...besides, you hope it'll just go away. Relationships are complex and vital and, outside of parenting, they're the hardest thing we do in this world.

Clients often come see me when everything is going to hell--someone has used the "D" word, if they're married, or someone has cheated. Conflict with the one you love can be gut-wrenching. But ignoring the conflicts until something--or someone--is on fire can mean that the relationship is over before you actually walk through my door.

When issues fester unresolved in relationships, people get tired and eventually decide to leave. Both or one of them may have been unhappy for a long time. The other partner can be completely oblivious to how unhappy. I get calls nearly every week from someone startled and torn up over a relationship that seems to be falling apart.

Many unhappy coupled individuals stay until they find someone else. Sometimes, infidelity takes place when one or both didn't even consciously thing about how unhappy they were. I recently read the statistic that only 30% of relationships survive infidelity. This doesn't mean you can't survive it; only that doing so takes stamina and a willingness on both parties to look at the problems that were there before the cheating happened.

And, of course, the trust has been seriously damaged at that point.

Relationships are incredibly fulfilling--we keep getting connected to others--and incredibly difficult. At the most personal level, we are our worst selves. This is crazy because it seems logical that we'd be the best of ourselves with the ones we love most. But intimacy means being emotionally naked--that means the good parts and the not-so-good parts are visible.

We are most affected by the ones we love. When there is trouble with an emotional partner, we are deeply troubled. Don't ignore this. Find a trained therapist you feel comfortable with and start working your way toward resolution.

The best relationships are based on both of you getting what you need.

HAPPY PARTNER?

Although some individuals seem to enjoy a competitive interaction with their mates, you need your partner to win sometimes.

Some people work hard to win as many relationship arguments as they can, but this can backfire on you in a big way. If your partner always loses with you, she won't want to be with you. Even though you enjoy getting your own way and you don't have to mess with compromise this way, your mate is likely to eventually find a more hospitable relationship.

You want your partner to thrive.

Although it may mean you losing sometimes and you'll certainly have to go out of your way, you really want the person who is closest to you to be fulfilled and happy. While you cannot "make" your mate happy--if you have the power to always arrange life for someone else, you're the first--your partner's needs and wants have to be high on your list of priorities.

We stay connected where we feel valued and we feel valued when the other person wants us to have what we need.

I drive a small, fast car because that's what I like--speed and agility. While my husband enjoys driving my car, it's not what he himself wants to drive all the time. You are your mate have different personality and different preferences. This is good for everyone. Even though, you don't get her wanting something so different from what you want, doesn't make her wishes any less valuable.

Don't take the responsibility for making her happy, but listen to her. Listening is the most tremendous relationship tool that everyone disregards. Listening is huge. Even if you don't agree with what she says, you need to resist the urge to disagree and explain. Hear your mate.

You want her to be happy.

You want your partner to care about your wishes, to function in such a way that you get what you want sometimes. So work hard on doing the same.

NOT "IN LOVE" ANYMORE

Sure, you were in love in the beginning. You just wanted to spend time with each other. It didn't matter what you did and, whenever things in your life were very bad or very good, he was the first person you called.

Things are different now, though.

A lot of couples say they just want to "be back to where we used to be", but I always tell them this isn't so. Going back to the giddy, "in love" beginning might sound great, but you came to the current moment from that place. We want you to be better. Or not to be together.

I'm all good with helping couples learn how to work through conflict to a resolution that enables them to enjoy each other again. I think this is as exciting as it is challenging.

It is a sad reality, though, that one half of that couple has already decided to leave the relationship in a significant percent of couples who walk through my door. Many have fought the good fight so long that any emotional attachment to the partner is faded. 

Sometimes the relationship has been estranged and/or conflicted to the point that one or both have found other romantic partners. They either come to see me because 1.) they want to make sure they've done everything, 2.) because they're worried about the mate they're leaving and want me to help soften the blow, 3.) they've 'fallen in love' with someone else or 4. because they just don't know how to say they're leaving.

When a person has decided to leave a relationship, they're leaving.

I, as a therapist don't have any right to offer them feedback they don't want. I don't get to tell them what I think they should choose. I don't get to tell them what to do. It's not my place. On random occasions when I can, I usually point out relationship challenges that will probably pop up in the next relationship. If an individual doesn't speak up with one partner, they're not likely to do so with a different mate. We take our personal challenges with us. Relationships involve two people and the issues of both of those individuals.

No matter what songs and stories have said, there's no one magic person with whom all our issues disappear. Leaving one mate doesn't usually solve our personal struggles to stand up for ourselves, express ourselves or learn to be truthful.

It's also easier to address personal relationship challenges--behaviors that come back to bite you--when you're in a relationship. While it may seem like a great plan to get everything fixed before you wade into dating, this isn't a very functional plan. We learn best in interaction and while therapy is an interaction of a sort, the most powerful learning comes from working through issues with the person closest to you.

DON'T EXPLAIN TO YOUR PARTNER

You don't mean to be defensive; you're just trying to explain. In the middle of a relationship conflict, however, no one wants to be explained to.

Communication in relationships is often complicated. The most frequent complaint I hear from clients is that their mate doesn't listen. The partner, however, insists he listens. Who's right? It doesn't matter because no one feels good in this scenario.

In the middle of the conflict, we miss some important points. Most people have no idea how to listen and to convey this listening to their partners. I get that it's very difficult to listen--without explaining--to whatever your mate is saying. Often the words thrown at you are accusations and who doesn't want to explain when accused?

Actual, effective listening, though, requires you to attend to what your mate is saying, without defending or explaining yourself. This involves making eye contact and actually hearing the other person's feelings. Most of us aren't very good at communicating feelings. We say things like "I feel that you...." which is not actually a feel, but an assessment of your motives.

So the words that come toward you from your partner may be unclear and jumbled. But this doesn't matter, as much as you receiving whatever is said.

First off, let your partner finish her own sentences. This is often difficult when your own feelings get roused.

Second, act like you're a receiver. Be the catcher on a softball team. Pretend you're taking notes for a test you'll be taking later. Do you're best to receive what your partner says. When you're a student in class, you take notes that you'll possibly need for a later exam. You don't (if you have any smarts) argue with the teacher that what he's saying is all wrong.

Use this same mode when you're communicating with your mate. Resist the urge to point out that it was the week before last, not last week. Don't rush in to accuse your partner of having recently done something worse. Just take in what is being said. It is important that you're able to repeat back to your partner what has been said to you. And you need to do this to your partner's satisfaction. You need him or her to nod and say, "You got it."

I cannot state strongly enough that this is not the time to disagree. You don't have to say that you agree(you probably won't), but you certainly don't need to tell you partner that she's all wrong.

Try to remember that you want this relationship. If you don't, get the hell out.

If you would like to continue being partners, you need to know what your mate thinks and feels. Get the message. When you've done this to your mate's satisfaction, then you can carefully say what you feel. I suggest you do this carefully because you have a better chance of being heard if you don't tell your partner what you think he thinks. This will backfire.

Talk simply about what you feel--"When you do blank, I feel angry/unloved/misunderstood/disregarded."

Note that there is no accusation in this sentence. You aren't attacking your partner. You aren't explaining yourself. Do you want your partner to explain him or herself when you've brought up an issue? Think carefully about this. You may say you want an explanation, but these usually feel like excuses.

What you really want is to be understood. You want your mate to get what you're saying, so do this yourself.

Resist the urge to explain.

RELATIONSHIP TROUBLE SIMMERING

All couples have disagreements at times, but trouble starts brewing when these conflicts aren't resolved. I mean, resolved so everyone feels understood and satisfied with the outcome. This means that both partners actually hear one another, paying attention to the concerns of both. Everyone comes out of these arguments feeling their issues were aired and seriously considered.

This is not always the case and it always leads to trouble.

I shudder when couples on home improvement reality shows talk about one person always getting his or her way. Think about it--do you like being with someone when you never win? When all you do is lose?

Of course, not. Initially, this may not seem like a big deal and a section of the population shrugs and goes along to keep the peace. The trouble is that this gets old fast. After a while, you find yourself choosing to be with others when before, you'd have chosen your mate.

Typically, people have relationship disagreements and--because they're tired of fighting--they get over it. This doesn't mean anything is resolved or that they feel good about the way things worked out, but you move on. You certainly don't think that these relationship problems are gaining strength. But, over time, this kind of situation breeds discontent and that leads to eventual relationship break-down.

Sadly, when the always-losing relationship partner gets finally fed up, they're done. They've been unhappy a long time--and have often thought of leaving for a long time. The relationship is over with little chance of revival. The partner who usually wins all disagreements is stunned, unable to believe that things are this bad. But this is when the unhappy partner is half-way out the door.

Sometimes, they've become interested in someone else or some other life issue has brought them to a turning point.

It's a bad thing when one partner is always right.

Getting outside, professional input when your relationship has a fighting chance is only smart. If you find yourself with a flickering interest in extramarital party or if you find yourself dreaming of living alone--get relationship help immediately.

Don't wait until it's too late.

DON'T JUST ASK

When clients sit in my office, explaining their relationship problems, I always ask about their communication and they always tell me that they listen well. I believe that they think they listen, but if their relationship partner is sitting in the session with them when I ask this question, they often shake their heads when I ask if their mate listens to them.

You think you're listening, but your partner doesn't feel heard. Something isn't working.

Many times, when partners are in the middle of conflicted conversations--that's all some relationships have--there's lots of talking, but no one is listening. This generally goes both ways, but your focus needs to be on what you're not doing. After all, you can change this.

Let's start with that one--look at yourself and what you are or aren't doing. I'm not saying everything is your problem or that you're the only one causing issues, but you have the most direct power over what  you do. It only makes sense to start changing what you have direct control over--you.

The question isn't so much whether you think you're listening to your partner(most of us do think this). Ask your partner whether he or she feels heard by you.

Basic question. Needs to be asked simply. Don't add a lot of words to it, just ask.

Some of us talk too much, while others don't say nearly enough. To find out what's happening with your partner--you need to ask. Then listen without interrupting. Don't rush in to explain yourself. Absolutely don't say, "No, you don't feel that way." (I mean, who's the one who'd know best? You or your partner?)

If your mate claims that you don't listen, then maybe you'd better find out more. First, say that you want them to feel heard. This is true if you have any interest in the relationship. Yes, you want to feel heard, too. But you really do what him to feel you listen.

Next, invite your mate to tell you whatever she'd like.  You may get blasted, but maybe not. Either way, resist the natural urge to defend yourself or explain whatever she's not taking into account. (Trust me, the urge will be strong.)

Then do your best to listen hard enough to be able to repeat back to her--to her satisfaction--what she said.

It's not enough to ask what's going or what's bothering him. You need to be engaged enough to be able to tell him--after he's told you--what's bothering him. Please don't try to tell him what you think is bothering him. It'll probably be wrong.

RELATIONSHIPS--THE COMPATIBILITY HOAX

Lots of people are looking for love and floundering around about what gives them the best shot at a satisfying, enduring love. After having several failed relationships, they often try to find a mate with whom they share preferences and opinions. This sadly can lead to even more relationship disaster.

The trouble is that individuals get confused between values and personality traits. You need to share one, but not the other.

My husband and I laugh remembering the incident when he talked me into helping him move a refrigerator down a flight of stairs. Just the two of us, mind you, and I'm not particularly brawny. Actually not at all. This happened early in our relationship (yes, we got it down the stairs without killing anyone, but it was close) and it functions as an example of all the times my risk-taking husband has talked me into stuff. Seriously, I sometimes doubt my own intelligence in these situations.

Still, Roger works for me partially because he is a risk-taker, unlike me. He thinks outside the box; he sees options I don't see. In short, he's nothing like me in this way. I close the cabinet doors as I walk through the kitchen. I throw away the top to the milk jug(without realizing he's still using it!) and I like to make lists.

He and I are not alike. Despite this, we've been married so long we sound much older than we are (early marriage!).

Being different in personality has been really good for us. We each have skills the other doesn't have. We see angles the other doesn't see. It's like having someone on the other end of the teeter totter--lots more fun than just sitting there by myself.

This wouldn't be true, however, if my husband and I had different values. From early on, we both valued education, we shared the same beliefs on religion and we even have pretty much the same politics.

We've had some rough spots(he wanted kids; I didn't) in the values area and we've had to make some challenging decisions, but after living with him--and working with lots of couples--I'm convinced that compatibility doesn't mean being the same. The problem with sharing the same outlook--seeing the world the same way--is that you have no one to help you see a different perspective. Seeing the other side of a question is always helpful. You may not change your mind, but your perspective is much better.

You don't have to be the same. Actually, it's probably better if you aren't. What you do need to have in common is your values. You need to want the same things in life. Values includes lifestyle and goals and they function to guide your life choices.

You need to respect your own perspective. You certainly have validity in your outlook, but compatibility doesn't mean your mate has to have the same perspective.

WHY DO THEY BATTER?

I recently came across a comment that lots of professionals weigh in on why people stay with partners who batter, but not many discuss why batters batter.

I'm not going to give you a diagnosis. These are offered up and folks latch on to them. Various labels are often thrown at each other in the manner of weapons. It doesn't help anyone. If you're in a physically or verbally abusive relationship, resist the urge to tell your mate what you think is wrong with him. It doesn't help in any way.

Battering behavior--hitting or physically assaulting your mate--can come from several places, but almost always, people hit when they struggle to better communicate whatever is going on with them. They will almost always say the victim wasn't listening or wouldn't listen any other way.

Like getting struck by the person you love makes you want to listen harder.

Although it may be difficult to understand, individuals who hurt others almost always feel justified in doing this. They don't feel powerful or strong or terrific about themselves. They almost always feel that the victim has in some way hurt them.

I'm not saying this is rational or that there is ever any reason to hit, shove or hurt another person. Not only does no one have this right, it just doesn't work to make things better.

Even in the most extreme situations, those who do horrific things have convinced themselves that there is no other option, no other way to get what they want/need. Afterwards, as victims are dealing with whatever injuries were inflicted on them, the one who struck out violently feels terrible. Some apologize profusely, others defend themselves by telling the victim they asked for it.

When the murderer Jeffrey Dahmer spoke of his crimes, he talked of doing unspeakable things to get the victims to stay with him.

Who hasn't struggled with loss, fear and anger in relationships? We've all felt hurt and most of us have struck out against the ones we loved with whom we were struggling--hopefully not struck out physically, but sometimes horrible words are said.

People who batter--both men and women--need better tools to deal with relationship issues. They need to learn effective communication. The term can sound ridiculous in this context, but learning to express and to listen to others can give individuals tremendous personal power. This is what those who hit need--personal power.

They also need to learn they can survive relationship loss. This hurts and it can leave us feeling bereft to the point of struggling to go on, but we have the capacity to deal with loss without demolishing ourselves or hurting others.l

SHE SAYS YOU NEVER LISTEN....

For a long time I've been talking about the importance of listening to your partner. The urge is to explain your position and most people do this over and over because they don't feel heard by the other person. On the other hand, your mate isn't feeling heard either. So both of you keep repeating yourselves and no one is really focused on listening.

Everyone assures me they are listening to their partners, though. Really.

I certainly don't want to deny this. The problem, however, is that she often doesn't feel heard. You may be repeating yourself again and again--possibly even raising your voice because louder seems to be better at that moment. But if you're not conveying to her that you hear and understand what she's saying to you, it doesn't matter what you say in return.

So, maybe you are listening. Maybe you're trying very hard to understand him. Maybe you do understand, but you also want to be understood yourself. This is reasonable. Relationships can only flourish when both partners function to value the other, as well as, themselves.

The trick is to respond to your partner in a manner that conveys you are actually listening. If you want to be heard, make sure she knows you're listening to her. Repeat back to her what you've heard her tell you. You'll be wrong--you won't have heard whatever she said exactly the way she meant it. This is very common. Ask her to tell you again, and really work at listening to what she's saying until you can repeat it back to her satisfaction.

This is a terribly important part of communication. Sometimes couples come to my office with communication issues, but as they talk it comes out that they're actually in agreement on the issues. Seriously. You may be agreeing in actual fact, but getting distressed because you don't believe your partner is hearing your side of things.

So. repeat it back. Get his confirmation that this is what he's telling you. It'll make a big difference.

COMFORTING OTHERS

Being around a grieving person can be really awkward. Whether this individual is mourning the death of a loved one or the end of a relationship, it can be hard to know what to say to him.

Some people just flat out avoid individuals dealing with these kinds of losses. They may feel bad about doing so, but they don't know what to say or do. But grieving people are very aware of who is and who isn't there for them, sometimes leaving hard feelings.

They sometimes tell me about it.

Still--do you send flowers? Do you tell them their loved one is "out of pain" now or that they're well out of what you thought was a bad relationship? What the heck to you do?

Knowing how they're reacting to this loss is very difficult! They could be all over the map. It's true that--unless you know specifically what the other person feels about the loss--offering solutions or making statements about the situation can be fraught with pitfalls.

Those who have suffered losses usually have a list of stupid things people said to them in their moment of bereavement. In attempting to offer comfort, people blunder along, making comments that not only don't comfort, but can be hurtful and annoying. You might assure the grieving person that the one they lost is "with God in heaven" when she not only doesn't believe in heaven, but isn't comforted by the loved one being anywhere but with her. If the person you're attempting to comfort is sad over the loss of a relationship, you may be tempted to say you've "never liked him" or to list all the annoying things he did.

So here's a Comforting-Others 101 guide:

1. Whatever the situation or however you personally feel about their loss--don't say they're "well out of it." You may be doing cartwheels at the end of a very destructive relationship(me, when my daughter got a divorce), but never, never let on to this.

2. Listen to what the grieving person says to you. This is your best key to knowing how the heck to respond. Even though you may have different beliefs about death, don't rush in to share these. Trust me, you have a better chance at offending than comforting.

3. Let yourself be simple. Don't try to fix it or distract the grieving person out of his sadness. Don't try to make it better--in that grief-filled moment, they don't believe they'll ever feel better and you don't get points for saying they will.

4. Do simple, helpful things. I once had a friend offer to clean and fill a grieving friend's refrigerator. Basic things can be very appreciated.

5. Key to all this is to take your cue from the one who's suffering. Be with when she wants someone to be there. Leave her alone when she wants to be alone.

6. Don't expect others to grieve like you do. This can be hard because we usually tend to come from our own perspective, but resist the urge.

Sometimes, the greatest comfort is just having someone there. Not that they say anything brilliant or magically take the pain away. As a therapist, I sometimes see grieving individuals who just need someone to listen. That can be the greatest comfort.

SECURITY MATES

Some say it's a relief to be alone after a terrible relationship ends, but most don't feel this way. Many people--in all walks of life--barely wait for their current relationships to be declared dead before they sign up for an on-line dating site or head out to the bars. It's like a relay race where the baton cannot be dropped. You must have a new date/mate before the old one falls away.

Lets just admit it, being alone scares the heck out of most people and this can lead to some questionable relationship choices.

Some people chose to stay in their current relationships--even though they aren't happy there and may be very unhappy--because they'd rather have a bad mate than no mate at all.

Others have hooked up with an almost-mate. You know, he's almost what they want, but not really. He's interested in her/her parents like him/he goes to the same church--or my favorite--she's known him forever. Like this somehow makes an unhappy relationship better.

I get that a shared history is a shared something, but you deserve more than familiarity.

Not long ago, an elderly, infirm male relative of mine was widowed. He'd catered to and waited on his former wife to a great extent their whole married life and, when she died, he didn't know what to do with himself. They were both in a nursing facility, at that point, and she hadn't recognized him for some time, but her death set him into a spin. He began proposing to other women he'd known all his life. Pretty much any woman he knew who was somewhat close in age. Never mind if he hadn't ever had an intimate or more-than-friendly relationship with her or if he even lived in the same state.

When she died, he lost a role he felt he needed to maintain, so he was looking for a stand-in. A replacement of sorts.

We can look sadly upon the behavior of an old man, but the desire to be connected to someone--anyone--seems to be a human tendency. We do better when connected to others. Living in complete isolation tends to make us a little crazy--even in prison, inmates prefer some contact--but security mates aren't usually the best answer.

We need to learn to create more effective connections--and more of them. Getting into a relationship out of fear of being alone can cloud your judgment and lead to bad choices.

Being alone now doesn't mean you'll always be alone and even if you don't have a mate, you can invest in the people around you. Making a difference by giving of yourself to others can be very rewarding and can pave the way to making life-long relationships.

A bad relationship isn't better than no relationship, at all. Trust me on this.

FORGIVE, BUT FORGET?

The importance of forgiving your enemies is getting lots of attention these days, but it's harder to forgive those who are not your enemies. Injury or betrayal by a loved one is much more painful. And what's with the "forgetting" thing? Is it good to forget about an offense done to you? Do you have to "forget" in order to truly forgive?

From one perspective, it's important to not forget the circumstances of an offense/injury. Understanding is way more important than forgetting.

I think the intent behind this "forgetting" thing is good. We've all done destructive, hurtful things and, if the injured party continually brings up our foolish behavior even after they say they've forgiven us, we don't feel forgiven. Not really. I get that, but I still contend that you need to remember and fully understand the relationship history.

There are some who misunderstand the way forgiveness works. You can forgive in an "absentia" sort of. You know, forgive a random fool who injured you because you don't want to drain your own life energy by hating him/her? Like when you've been the victim of a crime or a loved one has been snatched away by some horrible means? The problem comes when you forgive and forget in a relationship. This can unfortunately take place without either of you really understanding what the hell happened.

It's no good to forgive if the same offense/situation will simply reoccur.

Forgiveness requires change and change requires both parties to understand what happened. This is most important in relationships. You can say you're sorry--and you probably are--but if the relationship is to be different, you need to understand why you did whatever you did.

This kind of situation arises when one person in a relationship cheats--or leaves and returns. Often, they promise never to commit this breach again, but that kind of promise needs understanding behind it. If not, the one promising is just setting him/herself up for failure. And in a relationship, this kind of failure pierces every one's heart.

The relationship needs to be different after the offense. It needs to work well for everyone so we don't create opportunities for further offenses. Change can happen. People deal with all sorts of things in relationships and, if they really learn from whatever was going on, they can heal and move forward.

But forgetting isn't usually a desirable goal.

THE URGE TO DIAGNOSES

"My husband and I have been married a little over a year. We don't fight a lot, but when we do, it's terrible. A yr ago, we got into a couple of knock-down drag-outs where he called me ugly names and insulted me cruelly. I slapped him twice. He quickly let me know that this was a break-it issue for him and I promised to never do it again and I haven't since. My problem now is that there's a huge double standard in our marriage. It ranges from simple things--he's very sensitive and gets very upset with me if I snap at him or am short with him, but he snaps and is short with me. He makes snide remarks to me and doesn't think anything of it. If we get into arguments, he's ALWAYS threatens divorce, telling me he doesn't love me. He leaves and spends nights elsewhere. Several times, I've asked him not to do this, but he seems to have decided to keep doing this rather than taking a breath and really thinking about things when we argue. I'm in really a bad state about this mentally.

 

I'm trying to decide if I should give up on the marriage. I think he truly believes he's better than me, so to speak. He's actually admitted this when we were arguing. I know he loves me, but I don't feel like he respects me or cares about my needs. I need to know- 1) does this sound like a marriage doomed for failure? 2) how can I get him to stop some of these behaviors since asking him to isn't working? 3) any other suggestions u may have"--Should I Leave

 

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Dear "Should I",

 

Only you can decide whether or not to stay in a marriage. No one else gets to vote on this, but as I read your email, I found myself wondering how you'd come to the conclusion that your husband loves you. You said he's admitted--when you were arguing--that he thinks he's better than you and he's talked repeatedly about divorce. You also said he snaps at you and tells you he doesn't love you.

 

What the heck!

 

Still, the two of you are together and that must mean there is some value for you in the relationship. You're the only one who gets to decide whether that's enough to make it worth your while to stay.

 

The two of you clearly do not know how to actually listen to one another. I'll bet that the hurling of insults and the threats of divorce come after one or both of you are very frustrated, feeling the other isn't listening. The challenge with employing this vital behavior in relationships is that you get all tangled up in your own emotions. It's hard to hear his feelings without interrupting, rushing to conclusions or tuning out while you formulate your own response to whatever he's saying.

 

*

 

THE URGE TO DIAGNOSE

 

 

All too often, clients sit in my office and talk of their relationship issues, pausing to tell me earnestly that they think their--lover, spouse, child, sister, et cetera--is bipolar or depressed and should be medicated. I'm a therapist, not a psychiatrist, so it's not even an option for me to medicate anyone. Even if I could, I don't think it would solve all their problems.

 

In this era of increased acceptance of mental health issues, we often get confused between diagnosable illness and relationship issues. Even people with no label have relationship challenges. Since the clients venturing into the diagnostic arena have no training in the field, their musing about the potential problems of their loved ones can only indicate that they're trying to figure their mess out. Completely understandable. Whatever relationship is causing you grief, you naturally want to understand it.

 

We want reasons. They seem to make life more manageable.

 

Medication can be helpful for the severely depressed, but most individuals don't fall into this category. Your loved ones can be difficult to live with and make very challenging choices without being either depressed or bipolar.

 

Use a great deal of caution in throwing around diagnoses; the person on the other end won't likely forget and your accusation of mental illness won't help the relationship find resolution.





GIVING UP

Lots of couples come to see me when their relationships have been in trouble for a long while. When I ask why they are still together, couples sometimes readily say they still love one another. Some couples, however, admit they just hate giving up.

Confronting relationship problems isn't fun, particularly when they've experienced a lot of failure and nothing seems to work. Knowing what to do in a relationship is made even more difficult when you "get over" the fight and things seem better for a while. Couples fight, then they make up and hope the problems will never resurface. But they usually do.

Resolving relationship conflict is the goal, but this can be very hard to do. Most couples volunteer that the issues that have brought them to the brink of separation were there at the beginning. They just didn't want to see it and didn't think these problems were that significant.

It can be weird to come into a stranger's office and talk all about your personal life.

But giving up on your relationship can be very hard, particularly if you have children together. When conflict has been frequent, couples sometimes want to disconnect from the troubled part of the relationship, while still hanging on to fun parts. This can lead to the murky area of "staying friends". Usually, one half of a couple comes up with this, insisting that the two stay in contact, exchanging phone calls and emails. This is generally desired by the one who is leaving the relationship. The remaining partner, distressed and upset by the potential break-up, sometimes clings to the offer of friendship, hoping this will one day return to romantic involvement.

Some people suggest friendship when they don't want to hurt the partner they're leaving. Some even say they might eventually get back together. This isn't kind, however, as the remaining partner lives in limbo, not moving on, clinging to the hope that this pseudo-friendship offers.

The concept of never giving up may make sense in a sporting sense, but not in relationships. If the interaction is abusive, ugly and negative, giving up may be the rational thing to do.

Relationships are complicated and thrilling. The hardest thing we do in this world is interact with one another.

I'm generally in favor of clients learning how to make their relationships work, but every now and then, someone comes into my office, already having decided they need to leave. This is a personal prerogative. Only the person in the relationship can make this decision. No one else--not your counselor, your pastor or your mother--gets the right to tell you what you ought to do about your relationship. Others can share perspectives and opinions, but you are the one living in it.

If you're done, you're done. No one telling you that you should stay makes the situation workable for you.

SEX CONNECTS / SEX DIVIDES

"How can I expect one to treat me with respect and dignity when its not possible for this person to feel empathy or understand what lack of respect does to the other person. Or should I expect it?"

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Dear Unrespected,

 

It sounds like you're dating or married to a psychopath. If this isn't the case, my only comment is that we get the empathy and respect we tolerate.

 

That being said, you need to look also at your own behavior. Are you really listening? Are you understanding the other person's perspective or do you think this person should feel as you do? If you're giving respect, you have a better chance at getting it.

 

*

 



Sex Connnects / Sex Divides

 

When a relationship is clear and connected, after good sex, you feel even better with your partner. The connection in the relationship is magnified when you have great sex.

 

Science has shown that orgasms leave people feeling more bonded, but this sexual connection isn't available when the rest of the relationship is crap. If you don't feel listened to or understood, you don't feel loved. No matter how good the sex may be, those moments grow farther and farther apart, if you're fighting and disagreeing all the time.

 

When you have major conflicts in a relationship, sex often becomes the focal point. You may have tried talking about issues with no success and then you decided there was no point in talking. If conflict goes underground, it generally surfaces in sexual division. Either you don't have orgasms or you aren't attracted to even engage sexually with your partner.

 

If you don't like the person you're sleeping next to, you don't usually want to get naked with them. When one partner avoids sex, both partners need to pay attention to the issues in the relationship.

 

It's easy to label the disinterested party as "frigid" or to start questioning his/her faithfullness, but the real focus needs to be on what's happening between the two of you.