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They still blame
themselves for his actions.
As parents, we have
a lot of impact on our kids. When they’re younger, we hold their physical lives
in our hands. We feed them, care for their needs and wipe their tears when they
skin their knees. Almost every parent can tell of a rush to the ER; of a night spent watching
over a sick child. We are also often the ones they turn to when unhappy things
happen. We get their anger and their sadness. This caregiving, watchful role is
huge. Parenthood is one of the biggest jobs on this earth. Parents are huge in
their children’s lives. As a result, Mother’s Day is one of the biggest
gift-giving days of the year.
Just think of how
many athletes mouth the words “Hi, Mom” when the television camera pans their
direction.
But the
parent-child relationship is very complicated. One of the hardest aspects is
that, as the child grows into adulthood, we parents aren’t making the choices
any longer. This is to be celebrated—we want them to become their own
people—and it’s often difficult, too. Children come into this world with minds of their
own, just ask anyone who’s tried to make a child eat or poop when he doesn’t
want to. As they grow, kids have larger and larger choices to make. Some of
these scare the heck out of their parents.
You can
warn them of the dangers of driving too fast, of drinking and driving or of
getting in the car with a driver who’s been drinking. You can talk about safe
sex or abstinence and warn them of the physical/emotional risks inherent in
sexual behavior. You talk about stranger danger when they’re young and you
encourage them to tell you if anyone uses “bad touch” with them.
But you
can’t make them follow any of these directions. When they’re underage, you can
install monitoring devices in their cars, when they start driving, but that’s
about it. Kids get to make scary choices. They make bad relationship choices
(which you also did when you were young) and some make bad career/educational
choices.
It’s
very important for parents to remember, though, that you can’t make decisions
for adult children. You don’t have this power. You can’t be completely
responsible for their successes (although you may have contributed in some way)
or completely at fault when they fail. They are independent people, even if
they love you. You are only responsible for what you do, for your actions in the parenting role, your choices. This is big enough, as any parent will tell you.
You
can’t blame yourself for their actions. It is terrible, but it’s not your fault
if he pulls the trigger.
