BEING 13 SUCKS * EXCRUTIATING SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS

"I'm not sure what to do anymore. Many nights I end up crying myself to sleep. My dad never seems to notice anything or care. His main focus is work. If he isn't working, he's on the computer or watching TV. My mom thinks she's doing what's best for us, but I can't seem to see it from her perspective. Whenever I tell my parents or any of my siblings something (that I know is correct), they always argue. She never takes my side. She always takes my dad's side because he "knows what's best." If she doesn't take my dad's side, it's my older sister because she's older and I should listen to her, or my younger sister because she's younger and I should treat her more kindly. I'm 13 and the middle child. It seems like she never really cares about me anymore. My older sister gets all the new clothes and her wardrobe is 3 times as large as mine. I get her hand-me-downs, even though I'm a bigger size than her. My little sister gets new clothes and goes through about 3 sets a day. She never folds her own clothes, so she doesn't care how much she changes. I have the bare minimum. I go through all my clothes in less than a week. I always get stuck doing the chores because my little sister is too young to do it (even though she's 10) and my older sister has too much homework. (I've seen her work. She has about an hour's worth of it.) My little sister is always taking my things without asking. Every time I tell her she needs to ask me first, she throws a big fit and my parents blame me for being too harsh on her. I know my parents do what they think is the best for me, but it just doesn't feel like it. I'm naturally a shy person, too, so I don't have anyone at school who I can talk to about this. It's getting worse really quickly now. PLEASE HELP!"--I think I hate my family

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Dear I think,

You're in a bad spot and you have my sympathies. Being the middle child is always difficult, as is being 13. You're just finishing middle school and then you'll head off to high school, which is a big place, aimed toward launching you out into adulthood.

Not knowing your family, I can't dispute anything you're saying, but I'd like to encourage you to forge ahead. You seem bright and articulate. Don't give up on yourself--or on your family--just yet.

Everyone in this is facing challenges, even your younger sister. You're dad and mom are trying to feed you all and keep a roof over your head--not a simple thing in these times. Your older sister--who may very well be a pain to live with--is already in high school, which can be socially challenging as well as academically important. When she graduates, she'll be an adult and that's a pretty scary place. Even if she's sure of what she wants to do for a career, she'll have many difficult choices ahead of her.

Academic/job choices. Relationship choices. Alcohol/drug choices. Even friendships can be deceiving and dangerous.

Your younger sister, too, while seeming like she's got it easy, faces the burden of being the youngest--resented by her siblings and pampered by her parents. She'll have to deal with self-doubt eventually and she may be experiencing that now. Youngest kids are prone to being unsure of their own ability to face the world, having had someone always there before to smooth the way.

So, no one's having a picnic here...although everyone may be better dressed than you.

Your being on the shy side makes this more challenging. I know all about that. Let me encourage you, however. Step out, even when it's scary. I know this is difficult and probably the last thing you want to do. But join a club, get active in your church or in a service organization for kids. Do your homework and make academics work for you.

Then, do the scary thing--smile at other people. This may seem silly and random, but try it. This free, low-calorie activity is amazingly powerful. When you smile at people--kids in your school, people in stores, random neighbors--most of them will smile back. You'll have engaged them. They'll notice you in a good way. Ignore the ones who don't smile back. They're probably locked in their own troubles.

(Also ignore any creepy responses. Perverts live amongst us.)

When you're shy, you tend to be very self-conscious. The trick here is to turn your focus on others. Ask about their hobbies, their weekend activities, their opinions of things at school. Some people will bore the heck out of you; others will become your friends.

I have two daughters and one was so shy she didn't even speak to those she didn't know well, despite having a great vocabulary. There were times her father and I spoke for her, but we went out of our way to encourage her to interface with the world. (We refused to ask for drink refills for her when she was eight and didn't want to talk to the waitress.) She's an adult now and perfectly functional. She's a medical student and has lots of friends.

Be brave, even though things are not always fair. You won't always be a kid and you won't always have such limited wardrobe options--you can step out and make this life your own.

* * *

"EXCRUCIATING SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS"
One of my clients--an intelligent, articulate young guy who doubts himself a lot--described this experience. We even have a diagnosis for it these days--Social Anxiety.

Everyone has moments when they feel stupid and tongue-tied, as goofy and stupid as the folks we see on reality television. Some people, though, are very shy and struggle to interact. They may have panic attacks and bear the symptoms of generalized anxiety. Being introverted isn't terminal, though. It's not a disorder and we shouldn't accept it as such.

This isn't a deep character flaw. If you deal with this, don't let yourself succumb to thinking you'll always be this way or that you have no options. Don't believe there's something wrong with you. Introverts are statistically in the minority, but that doesn't make them disturbed or alter the fact that introversion brings as many gifts as it has awkward aspects.

Learning to manage one's social experience and exposure is part of becoming a well-functioning adult. Know what works for you and helps you be the best person you can be. Some people gain energy from social interaction; others lose energy from lots of interaction with others. This doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. Introverts have a better self-knowledge--nothing to dismiss, let me tell you. Lots of folks struggle because they don't really know themselves.

So, introversion--being shy--isn't a bad or terminal thing. Just learn how to handle who you are. Reach out to those around you and be okay with having personal boundaries. This is your right and your responsibility. You can learn to reach out to others and to give yourself private times. Studies tell us that even the most extroverted among us grows more internal as they get older. Introverts have a greater knowledge of themselves, of their own thoughts and reactions. This can be a tremendous value.

You can do both. Learn to socialize and gain from interacting with others; learn to use your alone time profitably and recharge your power-packs.