FIND SOMEONE WHO LIKES YOU

"My mother and I have been fighting more and more lately. We used to get along really well, but after my brother got married a couple of years ago, things went downhill. My mom went over the deep end with her mother (who she does not get along with) coming into town, and my father and his wife coming to the wedding. My parents have been divorced for 30 years and my father has been remarried for 20, but my mother has never gotten over my father walking out on us. She is still very bitter and angry. My brother and I have tried to establish an adult relationship with our father, understanding that he wasn't always there for us when we were young, but we are moving on. This is a new phase. My mother thinks I am betraying her and she as accused me replacing her with my father's wife. I am 35 years old. I hardly need a new mother. Thanksgiving was terrible. My brother wants a happy family gathering, but my mother recently screamed at me that I am insensitive to her and that I am only seeing my father in a positive light, forgetting everything he has ever done.

I don't know how to stop fighting with my mother and I want a relationship with her, but if she can't stop yelling at me and blaming me for her misery, I may have to stop seeing her. We only live 3 miles apart. I feel terrible"--Troubled Daughter

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Dear Troubled Daughter,

You and your mom have been close, which makes this breach even more difficult. I think you're on the right track. All relationships--whether these are relatives or not--need to benefit you or it makes no sense to stay connected.

You need to gain more from the interaction than it costs you. Still, it's very hard to cut off a mother with whom you've previously had a close relationship.

I think you need to talk to your mom about the relationship you want with her at this point. It's usually best to begin these conversations with a statement of how important she is to you. Tell her how much you love her and that you've enjoyed your previous closeness with her.

Then tell her that the issue of your current relationship with your father is yours to deal with. It's not her call. You're very aware of the past and you were certainly impacted by your parents' marital issues. How you choose to handle this relationship now is your decision. As you said, you're an adult. You don't need your mom's permission to interact with your dad. (I suggest that you refrain from discussing with your mother your relationship with you dad and his current wife. This may feel like you're hiding things, but it's not. Do you talk with her about every interaction you have? Every interaction with every person? Probably not.)

Your mom needs to know that it's inappropriate for her to continuously talk about your relationship with your father or for her to treat you as the enemy because you presumably are friendly with him. You're fully grown up. While she needed to parent you when you were a child, that's not a functional relationship to have at this stage. You have lots of adult decisions to make and you'll bear the consequences of these. Not her.

Your mom won't like any of this, but she doesn't have to.

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Choosing the Right Partner

This is a problem for lots of people. You'll be better equipped to make good relationship decisions if you use two requirements:

Find someone who really likes you(liking is different from loving, BTW).

This is important because liking will carry you through the rough times that every relationship encounters. It greases the wheels of communication and helps with the tough times.

Find someone who helps you grow

Remember that scene in As Good As It Gets when Jack Nicholson tells Helen Hunt's character that she made him want to be a better man? That's what you're going for, a spouse or lover who helps you become a better person. Someone who helps you deal with your issues--even though these issues are annoying and you don't like your spouse much when he/she insists you deal with them. A relationship that helps you grow is a tremendously beneficial interaction.

Because individuals don't typically know how to resolve conflict in relationships, we have a tendency to choose "someone who's like me". This can be a big mistake. While sharing similar values is important, you need a balancing influence. Someone at the other end of the teeter totter.

If you have these two components and your values aren't too far apart, you have a significantly better chance of staying together...and you're probably have lots of fun, too.