MAKING THE LEAP--A CHILD BECOMING AN ADULT

"I'm a 16 year old and I have a lot of stress in my life. When I was six, an older boy molested me. I tried to fight back and get him to stop, but he told me he would tell my parents and they wouldn't love me any more. I was ashamed. I tried to separate myself from him, but my family made me play with him and I couldn't say no, otherwise I would have to tell them what happened and I could not do that. My parents noticed eventually that I wasn't myself. I did end up telling my mother what happened, even though this was the hardest thing I've had to do. I felt a sense of relief. My mother sent me to a therapist and it helped, but I've never gotten over it. I had to stop therapy when we moved. Then, when I was in seventh grade, I was again molested. This time, I told my family and we called the police. I was enrolled in therapy again and this time, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Since that time, I've struggled severely. I believe I have some form of depression, as well as, anger issues. I don't mean to do the things I do, but I have ruined some things in my parents' house because of my anger. My mom and I do not get along. My dad and I do sometimes, but he always sides with my mother in our arguments. I try to tell my parents what I'm going through, but when I did tell my mother that I used to cut myself--which I'm very ashamed of--she told me I was stupid. She does not have an ounce of sympathy in her body. Our current argument is because I do not want to play lacrosse this year. She wants me to be an amazing athlete, but I have never been and will never be, good enough for that. Honestly, I don't think I'll ever be good enough for anything in my mother's eyes. My question, though, is how do I get along with my mom? I love her so much, but nothing I do makes her happy. She constantly yells and all I do now is cry and resist the urge to hurt myself. She's the one who's making my depression worse, but she doesn't know it. Please help!"--Distressed Teen

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Dear Distressed,

I don't know if you're still going to therapy, but you should be. PTSD after episodes of abuse is common and you need to learn how to deal with it. You're also dealing with issues typical in growing up. The transition from child to adult is complicated and challenging both for the teen and for her parents. You're not quite an adult, capable of directing your own life, but you're not a child, either. You need training wheels still--supportive, loving parents--but being supportive of rebellious, sometimes angry teenagers is very difficult. Most parents find this to be challenging.

I'm sure you and your mom both have valid complaints about each other. You say that you've broken things in the house and that you have an anger problem. Your past abusive episodes just make this time more difficult. That's why I'm stressing that you get back into therapy, if you're not now. I also think your parents could use the support of a professional. Many parents of abuse survivors have massive guilt. Parents are supposed to protect their kids, but they're human and they don't always see the bad situations coming. You're mom may seem unsupportive and upset with you all the time, but I'm guessing she cares about you a lot.

Cutting won't help. You'll just end up scarring yourself and nothing will get better. You deserve to get better, to feel better. You have many changes ahead and these can be scary, but you have the capacity to make the transition. You can be an adult. You have the strength to deal with even the most challenging situations.

I know you don't feel like that some of the time.

Get a therapist to help you to know how to talk to your mom. The lacrosse thing is your choice. By the time you're 16, you get to decide where to put your energy. You're mom may not always be happy with your choices, though. Like everyone else, you'll screw up, get into bad relationships and make bad education or job choices. Just make sure you learn from these.

I'll bet that your mom is trying to keep you from having regrets. She probably wants to make sure you don't have any more bad experiences. As you move into adulthood, she can't make your choices or shelter you from all the storms, but the urge to do so is very natural.

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MAKING THE LEAP

The transition from childhood to adulthood is scary, both for the kid and for those who love her. Parents typically want to shield the child from the really bad choices; kids usually resent interference until they need cash. There are few things more anxiety-producing that watching your child stumble forward in life.

When a kid is underage, parents are both legally and morally responsible. If students don't go to middle or high school classes, their parents have to answer for it. Legal and financial choices at this stage have profound effects on the family.

When the child moves into early adulthood, the situation changes. Don't get me wrong, the situation changes, but parents still feel just as impacted. Even though a twenty-five year old has many more options than a fifteen year old, their parents still worry. I always point out to parents that the greatest gift they can give their kids is to believe in them--to believe they have the strength to handle rough times--I still acknowledge that watching your children struggle is the most painful experience in the world.

But it comes with the territory. When you were buying cribs and having baby showers, looking forward to your little bundle of joy, you probably didn't realize everything you were taking on. Love means being impacted by their choices, but it doesn't give us the right or the power to make those choices for them.

They need to stumble because it seems this is the only real way we humans learn.

I've watched two daughters make bad relationship choices and scary career deviations. My husband and I have sometimes had to look away. It's easier on us.