DON'T FORGET THE ONE YOU LOVE

This may seem like a silly thing to say, since we assume we couldn't forget the person we love. People sit in my office all the time, however, wrestling with major conflicts with the person they love the most. While it isn't possible to live conflict-free in a relationship, you'll do better at working these through, if you remember that you love this person.

When dealing with couple clients who are addressing everything from frustration over who washes the dishes and takes out the garbage(yes, the small things do count) to crippling infidelity, I usually ask the same question. Why do you love this person? While some couples bristle when asked this--assuming I'm asking Why do you love this jerk?--I have a good reason for asking it. I'm not inferring that you don't actually love the jerk (that he even is a jerk, no matter what you're facing) or that you shouldn't love him. Far from it.

I ask you this question because sometimes you've forgotten why you love the person you're with. When facing relationship conflict, it's easy to slide into a very frustrated place.

You need to remember why you fell in love in the beginning. Odds are, the characteristics that first drew you together are still there. Your mate may be annoying; he may not defend you when his relative say mean things; he may sometimes overspend on things you think are frivolous--but you once felt loved by this person.

Unresolved issues can simmer at the roots of a relationship, slowly killing it. The reason you fell for this guy may not now exist or may never have existed. Clients don't hesitate to tell me if this is the case. But if some parts of the reason you loved him in the first place are still there, you need to remember these.

Few things in life are black and white.

We're dealing with a bunch of gray where life is complicated and complex. This goes double for relationships. Even if you're very, very annoyed with the guy across from you, you probably don't wish him dead. You'd find your world sadder and lonelier without him and we just need to learn how to work out the stuff you hate.

Of course, there is the possibility that the arguing has gone on too long, he's lied to you too many times or done worse. Sadly, sometimes you wouldn't miss your partner if he were completely out of your life, but this is usually not the case.

Don't forget the one you love.

CAREER CHANGE?

Making enough to keep a roof over your head and food on the table is good, but the time may come when you want more. Some individuals just fall into jobs and while these fit some, others feel trapped. Some individuals believe they can’t make the same amount of money at any other job. People often believe they are too old to start something new. However, these concerns don’t need to stop them from checking out possibilities. A friend in her sixties recently stated she wished she’d become a nurse instead of pre-school teacher. It’s when we don’t allow ourselves the freedom to explore ways to do what we want to do in life.   If you've been on a certain track for years, changing to a new career can be scary and complicated. Sometimes, the hardest thing is discovering what you want to do, instead of what you're doing. Where the heck do you start in figuring this out?

Think about what you like to do. While there aren't many jobs in playing computer/video games, you may have a hobby that you picked up because you have a knack. It can be difficult to assess what you're actually good at because most of us have a tendency not to be impressed with things that come naturally for us.

You may very well have a gift that indicates you're intelligent spatially or especially good with words. You need to ask those close to you, what they think are your best abilities. While your friends and family might have a hard time being objective about your future, their opinions can be helpful. You can start there.

The next step is to talk to someone who is objective--both about you and about the availability of jobs. Remember to take with a grain of salt the things said to you by individuals who are invested. Don't rely on the "counselor" at an expensive school or training facility to give you an accurate picture on the jobs open to you, if you trained there. Check it out yourself.

Talking to a therapist or counselor can help you sort through both what you have to offer and what you want from a new career. The therapist might very possibly have an idea what would be involved in such a career shift--training, relocation, job realities.

If you feel stuck where you're at, looking at other possibilities might be a good choice. After all, hating what you do and waiting around until your retirement can leave you bitter, unhappy and potentially too tired to do the things you've always dreamed of.

OBSTUCTIVE PARENTING

The last thing most parents want to do is get in the way of their kids' happiness, but being a parent is one of the most up-close, challenging jobs in the world. We can actually end up hurting the very kids we love so desperately.

Take the most obvious example--actively trying to keep kids from spending time with a parent you're no longer with. Endless numbers of experts have made statements about parents not fighting in front of kids and that kids need both parents in their lives, if at all possible. Lots of research indicates that children without fathers have a harder time in school and in life and few would dispute that mothers are massively important.

The people who ignore court-ordered visitation of the non-custodial parent and throw up every boundary to keep the kids away, they aren't primarily concerned with what's happening to their children. These folks are mad and use every weapon at their disposal to punish the ex. Sadly, in doing this, they most hurt the kids they are supposed to love. You know, the weapons.

It is ironic, that we can also get in our kids way--not only by keeping loved ones away from them--but by giving too much to the children we love. Yes, you need to check the urge to give your kids the things you didn't have. Although you probably hated those character-building moments when you struggled for everything you got, you probably benefited from the struggle. You got a great gift--if you gave yourself credit for your achievements. You learned that you can make your world what you need it to be. You proved you have the power to make stuff happen.

Everyone knows an adult still living in his or her parent's basement--not working or going to school. Lots of folks lost jobs in the economic downturn or struggled to make a living at a low-paying jobs, but some kids (using the term loosely here) never make the shift to making their own way in life. One of the worst things parents can do for a child is to give him everything.

Good parenting is about loving kids--making sure they are safe and secure when they are young and getting the heck out of the way as they grow older. This last part can be difficult because it sometimes means standing back and watching while our children struggle. This is painfully hard.

Whether your ex is a jerk who skips visitation and you have the urge to lie to your kids about "daddy loves you, he's just working" or if you just really hate our ex, staying out of the relationship gives your kid the best shot. Many parents who try to obstruct the ex's parental involvement say they're just trying to protect the child, but children need to begin dealing with the realities of life, so they start believing in they're own power.

They also need to earn their perks.

Give your children the things they need--clothes to keep them warm and a safe place to live. Believe in them. Listen to them when they talk about their challenges, but remember, the parenting role is designed to move from all-caretaking to all-cheering. Verb to noun. Action to description. You parent when they are younger; you are a parent, when they become adults.

Giving them all the luxuries of life may be fun for parents, but it doesn't help them build the muscles they need to do the heavily lifting that life requires. Don't step in when your kids can handle their own challenges...and they can do this more often than parents think.

When my eldest child worked at 6 Flags, she called in sick to play hooky one day. Her boss called the house to check on her and her father and I innocently said she was at work. She was busted. Although it was difficult, when she showed up home later, we took her car and sent her back to work--in the family sedan--to face her boss.

The most powerful gift you give your child is believing in his capacity to handle difficult things. That means, you not always rushing to the rescue.

THE RELATIONSHIP POWER SCALE

No one wants to talk about power issues in a relationship, but these are typically present and can cause issues if not addressed. When individuals fall in love, they usually don't want to look at the nuts and bolts of issues. When they're focusing on riding off into the sunset together, talking about problems that may spring up feels like inviting trouble.

There's no denying, however, that power issues can rock a relationship off it's footings--

It's all about the cash:

Money is a big power issue. This can start with which partner makes more money and segue from there into other issues, like "I work harder and make more money, so you should handle the household chores" or the kids. Possibly both. Money can effect whether partners stay when things are bad in the relationship. This may involve not wanting to change a lifestyle(to which you've become accustomed) or not having a skill set to enable the leaving partner to support him or herself.

Some still struggle with gender issues and money. Although this is less common amongst the younger generation, many men grew up with the expectation that they'd be the breadwinner of their families. They may feel disenfranchised by having a wife who makes more money.

Money issues reflect conflicts elsewhere, as well. Couples can bitterly resent unfair spending of money and often wrestle with whether the highest wage earner gets more say-so about where money is spent. 

What's age got to do with it:

Whether the man or woman is five or more years older, age can impact several parts of relationships. Having a partner who has a different generation perspective can be challenging as individuals age. One may prefer different social activities or different music. You may even be uncomfortable socializing with your partner's preferred group.

Age can also influence preferred lifestyles. This can involve the time at which you settle down and stop partying hard, the changes in where you want to live and if you're ready for(or finished with) childrearing.

Educational or career disparity:

When person has significantly more education than the other, it may not be a problem, at all. But in the complex configuration of who's got more power, education plays a role. This may be seen in who has more career options(and so the other should move to wherever the high wage earner wants to go) or even issues of who's "smarter".

By the way, having more education doesn't mean anything about having a higher intelligence.

Relationships are one of the hardest things we do on this earth. It pays to be aware of who feels less-than and how power is used to address conflict.

FAMILY ISSUES EXPLODE

Put a bunch of relatives together who have unresolved business, add in high expectations and you've got a holiday gathering that results in hurt feelings all around. The most joyous time of the year...

If alcohol and firearms are involved, this can be a deadly time of the year.

You have the highest expectations of the ones you love. They're supposed to know you and love you the best, but this is not always so. Some families don't have the tools to deal with explosive issues or some family members may try to bury hurts, trying not to ever face them again.

Don't count on these conflicts not coming up.

It can be difficult to come to terms with the reality that these differences can only be resolved when both or all family members involved actually decide to address the matter. Professional counseling can help. Some folks, however, don't think jealousies and hurts will ever be solved and they then think it best to never go there.

But buried challenges have a tendency to spring up when we least want them.

All the celebratory stuff that goes with holidays--indulging heavily in spirits and food--push tolerances to the edge. How many folks strategize and plan how they'll interact while driving to a family gathering?

Don't bring up whether cousin Brandon has a job yet or Don't mention that your mom's weight loss surgery doesn't seem to have slowed her eating down. 

It's not that you don't love these people. They're family and you might love them deeply, even if you don't like them. Challenges can abound, however. The range is remarkably typical: Rivalries between siblings, anger over children's or siblings life choices, money lent and not repaid. It can be as deep as how one deals with historical child abuse or as shallow as how different family members vote or spend their money. Some people struggle because their parents seem not to care about them and never really seem concerned about how their lives are going. Some individuals are frustrated by parents who can't seem to manage appropriate boundaries and want to tell them how to live their lives. 

As if getting all together wasn't difficult enough, throw in the giving of gifts. When individuals don't feel their relationships are equal or when they don't feel really loved, they tend to weigh with an eagle eye the money that was spent on gifts. Parents know this. Why do so many of us run around trying to get equal gifts?

Given the heavy family emphasis at this time of year, many people try to gather in spite of problems. They subscribe to the let's just pretend this isn't a problem now theory.

So, people can feel bruised after the holidays are more tense than they'd hoped.

Maybe January is a good time to start working toward resolving problems or at least work toward finding a personal decision on how you're going to respond. The holiday season comes once a year, but there are many celebratory opportunities throughout the year.

It might be time to give yourself the present of talking with someone about how best for you to handle these.

RELATIVES YOU LOVE...BUT DON'T LIKE

Holidays don't always bring out the best in families...no matter how hard you may try. This is the time of year when individuals often succumb to the "perfect family" goal. Furniture advertisements abound, as do flooring ads. At this time of year more than any other, we want our homes--and our families--to be perfect. The Norman Rockwell image of a loving multi-generation family gathered around a beautiful table upon which sits a golden turkey--it seems to capture what most want for the holiday season, if not what most have.

Of course, there are people who don't eat turkey for Christmas or don't celebrate the holiday at all, but the image continues to resound for a bunch of us. For most, it's easier to get the turkey, whether on the perfect table or not, than to have a warm, loving family moment.

Let's admit it--most individuals have relatives they love very much, but don't like. The relatives of adult children too often have the belief that they should always be able to comment on the relationship choices, childrearing practices or voting tendencies of those who grew up with them. I am assured over and over that they love these adult children, but they just won't keep their observations to themselves.

I realize how hard this is, particularly when you used to change these particular adults' diapers as babies. Trust me, you should just shut up.

Some individuals have grown up in families who didn't care for them physically or emotionally. Whether the child of an alcoholic or in a family where physical and sexual abuse took place, some biological relationships are harmful.

You can still long for it to be different.

Even if you haven't had to deal with abuse, you can have hostile, dysfunctional, unloving family interactions that leave you not liking relatives, even though you love them. Some families are not like the Cosby Show, where jokes abound and love is always the bottom line.

There are some situations when relatives are toxic.

This is a painful reality and never more so than during the season of supposed good cheer. Individuals often try to ignore relatives' bad behavior during this time of year. They tell themselves it's only for a few days and they struggle to shut out relatives, even when they have to tolerate bad behavior.

Some folks are creating "families" from groups of loving friends. This is a good option when biological family is harmful or extremely unpleasant. Despite what you see on the movies on The Hallmark Channel, sometimes relatives you love aren't people you like.

ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR LOVER'S FEELINGS

It's not enough to hear the words your partner says, you need to let him know you got the message.

When in sessions with conflicted couple, it's common for mates to disagree when their loved ones say they don't feel heard. First off, this isn't something you can disagree with. You don't get to tell your partner that he doesn't feel the way he just said he feels.

You may be surprised, but you don't get to disagree unless you're prepared to say "You are lying to me." That's pretty much the message. If you are convinced your mate is lying to you (about his feelings & possibly other stuff), the relationship is probably pretty damaged.

Partners are frequently surprised by the emotions their mates express. You may not understand. You may be very confused--and saying this is very reasonable--but you don't get to flat out disagree that your partner doesn't feel the way he just said he feels.

Actually, really listening to your partner's opinions and feelings is very important in relationships. We often don't realize how poor we are at this, but when a person feels heard, he's more likely to feel understood. When people feel understood, they usually feel loved.

Therefore, if you want your partner to feel loved--and more inclined to stay in the relationship--listen.

But it's not enough to receive his words into your ears and decode these with your brain. At this point, he still probably doesn't know you've heard him. Partners' frequently assure their mates that they heard and that they understand, but this doesn't produce the same positive results as when you acknowledge you lover's feelings.

The hard part of this is when your mate has told you they feel something you don't think is accurate. For example, sometimes partners don't feel loved when certain things happen or when their mate does a certain other thing. It's very common for the mate to respond that, even though they may have done something or said something that got interpret this way, they still love their partner.

But if it's not felt, it doesn't matter.

Try this--when your mate tells you how he feels(even if you disagree with this), echo it back to him. "So, you're telling me you feel unloved and unappreciated." If this seems too stilted, try a variation "When I go hunting(or out with the girls) without checking to see if we had other plans, you feel _____." Fill in the blank with the feeling your partner has shared.

You need to tell him what you heard him say. This confirms that his words didn't fall on deaf ears and that you actually are paying attention to his communication.

PARENTING: DON'T FREAK OUT

It's easy to recommend not freaking out over everything when you don't have a child. I have two, so I'm safe in saying this, but don't assume I'm saying I've done everything right. So, not the case. Even if the kid is massively annoying (and they all are, at times), parenting carries with it a huge responsibility. Just look around you and you'll find lots of examples of parenting gone really wrong.

While individuals make choices that direct their lives, no one would deny that parents have a huge impact on kids' lives.

Our local media has recently featured stories of a 16 year old, arrested for a drunk driving incident in which four people were killed. This kid's trial has centered on the fact that he was raised in a state of "affluenza" by parents who gave him everything, but consequences. His actions caused the death of four people, but his choices are being attributed somewhat to his parent's lax attitudes. I was filmed by our local DFW Fox4 Channel, contributing to a story on this.

The thing is that parenting is an evolving job that has massively huge impact on children. Kids can overcome--just ask Michael Oher, the NFL football player raised in poverty and neglect that led his drug-addicted mother to lose him to the foster system. Some kids overcome and cope with tremendously challenging factors, but some kids don't.

The only thing worse than neglect and too little is too much. Most parents don't want to be hurdles to their children. They want their kids to prosper and make the world a better place.

From the time a small squalling bundle is place into your arms, you can be gripped with this job. You will need to teach her everything. You will keep her safe from both herself and dangerous predators. Just make sure you don't get so caught up in the protection aspects of parenting that you forget the letting-go aspects of the job. This requires exhausting oversight in the beginning shifting gradually to letting her make the tough choices herself without you directing her.

In the evolution of this task, you must first do everything for your child, then you must gradually do less and less. Your children have to learn to fly on their own--this is how they learn to believe in themselves.

As a parent, an important part of your job is learning when to freak out.

A child of mine actually begin speaking when she was six month old (no lie). When this child couldn't read at eight years of age, I freaked out. Galvanized into action, I finally found someone who could help. She reads beautifully now, but I also freaked out when she was younger and wouldn't take naps. Her dad and I actually subjected the kid to a sleep study before the age of one. (I'm not proud of that.) 

I've never met a perfect parent. Ever.

The challenge in this huge job--one of the largest you will ever undertake--is to learn to the best of you abilities when to take your hands off the wheel. When to trust them and when to intervene. You don't need to freak out when they say a "bad" word, but you should probably seek help if they hurt animals or anyone younger than themselves.

And you should give yourself a break because there is no manual for this job.

YOU GET THE BEST & WORST

Relationships add to your life. Insurance statistics say this--people who are married live longer, but living intimately with another human being is one of the hardest things we humans do. Really smart people have no edge here. Married or not, your partner gets the best...and the worst of you.

This is in the nature of close relationships. One would think we'd be at our best with the people most important to us, but this isn't always true. Because we feel loved by our mates, we let down our guards and sometimes, we aren't nice people. All people have their good and bad moments. It's part of our natures to sometimes struggle.

We get irritable, snappy and annoying, at times.

When you have a partner, she gets a front row seat to all of this. Of course, she was probably a loving presence when you suffered the loss of a parent or close friend. She may have been the bright spot in some really rough times. Even if she held your hand in rough times, she can be very annoying, too.

Close relationships are, you know, close.

Part of the reason this happens is because you feel loved and cared for with your partner. You feel accepted, even the ugly parts, and you relax. This is one of the wonderful things about being in a loving relationship. You get to relax and quit trying so hard. Unfortunately, for some of us that can mean not trying at all.

We forget to do and say the sweet things that we did and said when we were courting. We can forget to act as if this person in front of us is the most important person in our lives.

In my younger days, I was struck by a statement a divorcing friend made. She said she'd thought that she and her husband would "be together always." A young married person at the time myself, it occurred to me with blinding reality that this may not be a good belief. In the security--which we all want--of thinking this is the person we'll spend the rest of our lives with, we stop trying. It's as if we feel we no longer need to act each day as if we love this person.

Connection doesn't mean not trying.

Yes, it feels great to be loved and we do tend to give the ones we care about some latitude. We cut them a break. I remember telling my husband, when my kids were small, that I'd rather them act up with us because we loved them. We tolerated more of their shenanigans than someone less invested. But this reality can become relied upon too heavily and get strained to the breaking point.

Whenever I see in counseling an individual trying to decide whether or not to stay in a relationship, I recommend they weigh the good of a relationship against the bad. If you want to ensure that your relationship doesn't fail, work on that balance: more good than bad.

The best way to do this is to place your partner's interests at least as high as your own.

SOMETIMES DEFIANCE FEELS LIKE POWER

If you've ever been around a two year-old, you've seen defiance. At two and a half years, most children become excellent at saying "No!" From a developmental perspective, we know that kids this age are just learning to separate themselves as individuals. They protest and refuse almost everything and they usually do it loudly. These same kids typically have moments when they're clingy and struggle with separation.

Now, try to imagine a twenty-five year-old or a fifty year-old with the same kinds of behavior. Learning to experience personal power is very difficult because we don't always have the option to do just what we want without consequences. Think of the number of times you've wanted to whack your boss.

It's the same thing because sometimes when we're struggling to find our personal power, we fall back on defiance. Some people always feel powerless. These individuals often bully those they see as less powerful. Bullies always have a poor self-perception and struggle to feel power.

Some people spend their lives fighting whatever or whoever they see as having the power they can't get. Whether this involves breaking the law--like crotch-rocket motorcycle drivers who run from the law--or bashing others financially, emotionally or physically. Defiance feels like grabbing power, but personal power can't be stolen from you. You get to decide how you're going to function and, even in restrictive situations, you always have the right to choose your own actions.

Whether we're talking about kids beating up weaker kids on school playgrounds, mates beating up supposedly-significant others or stealing, these are moments with the ones misbehaving are trying to feel powerful. Think of all the ways individuals steal in this world--all power issues. Whether a salesperson is driven to get the sale out of a need to feel better or a boss puts down an employee, examples of perceived powerlessness are all around us.

Check yourself--if you feel you don't have options and you're trapped in a relationship or job, you need to find out how you're giving up your own choices. You may not be seeing your own power.

KIDS CRIPPLED BY WEALTH

"We need direction. Our adult son is living with us.  He has been out of work for more than 3 years but is currently attending college ( at our expense) to try to get a technical certification.  His past employment required considerable physical labor which he is no longer able to do. He is 52, but not eligible for disability. 

He is separated from his wife of 25+ plus years, but continues to see her on a regular overnight visits while she is  living with her Mother. While at our home, our son is respectful , doesn't run around, helps with yard work etc, but we cannot see any change in the future. He says he will work when he gets his degree, but that's another year away.  Many days he is depressed, appears to have physical issues with gout and thyroid problems, but he's very inconsistent in taking his medications.  Sometimes he will sleep for hours and seems totally exhausted. When he does take his medications, he is a totally different person, but then he stops them again. 

We have tried to encourage consistency in meds, even to asking him to commit to our monitoring them, but he refuses, saying he is an adult. He is not acting like an adult if he does not take them, knowing it would help his life. He loves the classes he is taking, but we know he will not succeed on his own if he also doesn't take needed medication.    

We have considered telling him to take care of himself, get a part time job, seek counseling, etc or he cannot continue to stay with us, however, I do not know where he would go.  We are living on retirement and have a limited income. We are at our wit's end. If he were abusive, disrespectful, etc it would be easy. Where/what do we do?"

 

Worried parents ( 70yrs old)

*

 

Dear Worried Parents,

 

 

First, let me ask you some questions"

 

1. Is your son mentally impaired?



2. What will he do/how will he live once you're no longer there to take care of him?

 

I know you love your son, but I'm not sure you're helping him. If he is mentally impaired(doesn't sound that way), you need to arrange legally for his care once you're no longer able to care for him. If he's of sound mind, you need to treat him like any other person who has the capacity to care for himself. I know this sounds brutal, but its the most loving thing you could do. Cut him loose.

 

If you believe he has the capacity to live an independent life--make a salary, manage his own money, take care of his health--then you owe it to him to act as if he's a responsible adult...even if he's not acting that way.

 

Give him a deadline to move out of your house. Make it reasonable, but not generous. (You've already been pretty generous) Then follow through. Your son deserves this, even if he doesn't like it. As parents, we often have to do things our kids don't like. When he was young, you made him take his medicine. That's no longer your role, but you can stop treating him like he's fifteen.

 

***

 

Kid's Crippled By Wealth

 

 

We've all read the news stories of the children of the super-wealthy choosing really sad paths. To many get too accustomed to privileged lives of entitlement. It's sad and all too frequent. But are your kids getting too much. You may not be wealthy and your name isn't known throughout the land, but it's still worth asking whether your children are crippled by your success.

 

Even modestly successful people--who live in nice houses and drive nice cars--have a tendency to want to give their children everything. We don't want the kids to struggle. But life is all about struggling. When my husband's cousin was diagnosed with cancer, he made the profound statement that "if money can cure it, whatever you're dealing with isn't a problem."

 

 

Life involves struggle. That's not negotiable, but those of us handle life better have learned to strive. Kids need to learn that they have internal strength and fortitude; they need to know without a doubt that they've handled hard times before and can handle them again.

 

I've seen clients crippled by their parents' money, sitting around, feeling trapped, waiting for the will to be proved. You want your kid to struggle. Be emotionally supportive. Pay for college if you can, as long as the kid's actually making the grade. Help when it's helpful, but don't think you can remove the struggle. 



LAST DITCH EFFORT--MAKE RELATIONSHIPS LAST

I get why people don't come into counseling when they first have trouble in a relationship. It's weird to sit down and talk to a complete stranger about very personal things...besides, you hope it'll just go away. Relationships are complex and vital and, outside of parenting, they're the hardest thing we do in this world.

Clients often come see me when everything is going to hell--someone has used the "D" word, if they're married, or someone has cheated. Conflict with the one you love can be gut-wrenching. But ignoring the conflicts until something--or someone--is on fire can mean that the relationship is over before you actually walk through my door.

When issues fester unresolved in relationships, people get tired and eventually decide to leave. Both or one of them may have been unhappy for a long time. The other partner can be completely oblivious to how unhappy. I get calls nearly every week from someone startled and torn up over a relationship that seems to be falling apart.

Many unhappy coupled individuals stay until they find someone else. Sometimes, infidelity takes place when one or both didn't even consciously thing about how unhappy they were. I recently read the statistic that only 30% of relationships survive infidelity. This doesn't mean you can't survive it; only that doing so takes stamina and a willingness on both parties to look at the problems that were there before the cheating happened.

And, of course, the trust has been seriously damaged at that point.

Relationships are incredibly fulfilling--we keep getting connected to others--and incredibly difficult. At the most personal level, we are our worst selves. This is crazy because it seems logical that we'd be the best of ourselves with the ones we love most. But intimacy means being emotionally naked--that means the good parts and the not-so-good parts are visible.

We are most affected by the ones we love. When there is trouble with an emotional partner, we are deeply troubled. Don't ignore this. Find a trained therapist you feel comfortable with and start working your way toward resolution.

The best relationships are based on both of you getting what you need.

HIGH SCHOOL TO COLLEGE--MAKING THE LEAP

Being a kid can be both pretty cushy and really frustrating. The problem with being totally dependent on others(parents who love you) is that kids tend to secretly doubt they can make it on their own.

You parents might have praised every grade they got and made sure they received participation trophies, even when they didn't win, but this doesn't make your kids confident that they won't screw up big time. Parents don't tend to trumpet this to their kids, but we all fail sometimes. While this stings and is no fun, we find a way to deal with it and, if we're paying attention, we learn from failure.

When kids are growing up, they become resistant, risk-taking jerks who scare their parents weekly. They hang out with other kids their parents don't like and they secretly go places parents don't think is good. In addition to the really scary texting and socializing while driving, they sometimes get into using alcohol and drugs.

Parents get terrified when kids hit the teen years.

New flash--kids are terrified, too. They aren't sure they can break into the adult world, including earning an income and paying their own cell bills. It's at this age of bursting forth into adulthood that more and more kids develop intense anxiety symptoms. They have panic attacks and they cease to do things that used to come very naturally.

I've noticed that they higher kids' goals, the more likely they are to have anxiety.

As parents, we've gotten accustomed to cushioning the blows. We go with them to the principal's office and to the traffic court. We try to be there for them in ways that no one was there for us. As they head toward high school graduations or jaunt off to college, we look forward to cheering them on. They, however, may be having a hard time breathing.

This can still be a tough time.

It's a very scary tightrope for parents because kids don't need us to rescue them, even if that's what they ask for. We parents get to be reasonably supportive, but not encourage them to run from their responsibilities(legal or financial). We have to stand back, mind-channel belief in them and refuse to pick them up when they fall. They have legs; they can get up themselves. Kids need to know they can do this.

My own daughter--now an ER resident in Brooklyn--has bitterly said that nothing came easily for her. She didn't get the first job she applied for; didn't like the one she ended up with. The college she attended didn't award her with the full scholarship she tried for. She didn't get into med school the first time she tried and on and on. I'm sure she has a list of disappointments. Still, the kid has managed very well and now has a pretty good backbone. When she deals with snotty superiors and demanding patients, she's good at listening. She's also learned to let most of unfounded feedback roll away.

As parents, we know the scary roads they could choose, but we don't get to direct them. We do, however, need to believe in them. We need to convey that we know they can face their challenges, even if these are big. They need us to believe in them because they're having a hard time thinking they can really do these things. They need us to see them more accurately than they see themselves.

HAPPY PARTNER?

Although some individuals seem to enjoy a competitive interaction with their mates, you need your partner to win sometimes.

Some people work hard to win as many relationship arguments as they can, but this can backfire on you in a big way. If your partner always loses with you, she won't want to be with you. Even though you enjoy getting your own way and you don't have to mess with compromise this way, your mate is likely to eventually find a more hospitable relationship.

You want your partner to thrive.

Although it may mean you losing sometimes and you'll certainly have to go out of your way, you really want the person who is closest to you to be fulfilled and happy. While you cannot "make" your mate happy--if you have the power to always arrange life for someone else, you're the first--your partner's needs and wants have to be high on your list of priorities.

We stay connected where we feel valued and we feel valued when the other person wants us to have what we need.

I drive a small, fast car because that's what I like--speed and agility. While my husband enjoys driving my car, it's not what he himself wants to drive all the time. You are your mate have different personality and different preferences. This is good for everyone. Even though, you don't get her wanting something so different from what you want, doesn't make her wishes any less valuable.

Don't take the responsibility for making her happy, but listen to her. Listening is the most tremendous relationship tool that everyone disregards. Listening is huge. Even if you don't agree with what she says, you need to resist the urge to disagree and explain. Hear your mate.

You want her to be happy.

You want your partner to care about your wishes, to function in such a way that you get what you want sometimes. So work hard on doing the same.

NOT "IN LOVE" ANYMORE

Sure, you were in love in the beginning. You just wanted to spend time with each other. It didn't matter what you did and, whenever things in your life were very bad or very good, he was the first person you called.

Things are different now, though.

A lot of couples say they just want to "be back to where we used to be", but I always tell them this isn't so. Going back to the giddy, "in love" beginning might sound great, but you came to the current moment from that place. We want you to be better. Or not to be together.

I'm all good with helping couples learn how to work through conflict to a resolution that enables them to enjoy each other again. I think this is as exciting as it is challenging.

It is a sad reality, though, that one half of that couple has already decided to leave the relationship in a significant percent of couples who walk through my door. Many have fought the good fight so long that any emotional attachment to the partner is faded. 

Sometimes the relationship has been estranged and/or conflicted to the point that one or both have found other romantic partners. They either come to see me because 1.) they want to make sure they've done everything, 2.) because they're worried about the mate they're leaving and want me to help soften the blow, 3.) they've 'fallen in love' with someone else or 4. because they just don't know how to say they're leaving.

When a person has decided to leave a relationship, they're leaving.

I, as a therapist don't have any right to offer them feedback they don't want. I don't get to tell them what I think they should choose. I don't get to tell them what to do. It's not my place. On random occasions when I can, I usually point out relationship challenges that will probably pop up in the next relationship. If an individual doesn't speak up with one partner, they're not likely to do so with a different mate. We take our personal challenges with us. Relationships involve two people and the issues of both of those individuals.

No matter what songs and stories have said, there's no one magic person with whom all our issues disappear. Leaving one mate doesn't usually solve our personal struggles to stand up for ourselves, express ourselves or learn to be truthful.

It's also easier to address personal relationship challenges--behaviors that come back to bite you--when you're in a relationship. While it may seem like a great plan to get everything fixed before you wade into dating, this isn't a very functional plan. We learn best in interaction and while therapy is an interaction of a sort, the most powerful learning comes from working through issues with the person closest to you.

DON'T EXPLAIN TO YOUR PARTNER

You don't mean to be defensive; you're just trying to explain. In the middle of a relationship conflict, however, no one wants to be explained to.

Communication in relationships is often complicated. The most frequent complaint I hear from clients is that their mate doesn't listen. The partner, however, insists he listens. Who's right? It doesn't matter because no one feels good in this scenario.

In the middle of the conflict, we miss some important points. Most people have no idea how to listen and to convey this listening to their partners. I get that it's very difficult to listen--without explaining--to whatever your mate is saying. Often the words thrown at you are accusations and who doesn't want to explain when accused?

Actual, effective listening, though, requires you to attend to what your mate is saying, without defending or explaining yourself. This involves making eye contact and actually hearing the other person's feelings. Most of us aren't very good at communicating feelings. We say things like "I feel that you...." which is not actually a feel, but an assessment of your motives.

So the words that come toward you from your partner may be unclear and jumbled. But this doesn't matter, as much as you receiving whatever is said.

First off, let your partner finish her own sentences. This is often difficult when your own feelings get roused.

Second, act like you're a receiver. Be the catcher on a softball team. Pretend you're taking notes for a test you'll be taking later. Do you're best to receive what your partner says. When you're a student in class, you take notes that you'll possibly need for a later exam. You don't (if you have any smarts) argue with the teacher that what he's saying is all wrong.

Use this same mode when you're communicating with your mate. Resist the urge to point out that it was the week before last, not last week. Don't rush in to accuse your partner of having recently done something worse. Just take in what is being said. It is important that you're able to repeat back to your partner what has been said to you. And you need to do this to your partner's satisfaction. You need him or her to nod and say, "You got it."

I cannot state strongly enough that this is not the time to disagree. You don't have to say that you agree(you probably won't), but you certainly don't need to tell you partner that she's all wrong.

Try to remember that you want this relationship. If you don't, get the hell out.

If you would like to continue being partners, you need to know what your mate thinks and feels. Get the message. When you've done this to your mate's satisfaction, then you can carefully say what you feel. I suggest you do this carefully because you have a better chance of being heard if you don't tell your partner what you think he thinks. This will backfire.

Talk simply about what you feel--"When you do blank, I feel angry/unloved/misunderstood/disregarded."

Note that there is no accusation in this sentence. You aren't attacking your partner. You aren't explaining yourself. Do you want your partner to explain him or herself when you've brought up an issue? Think carefully about this. You may say you want an explanation, but these usually feel like excuses.

What you really want is to be understood. You want your mate to get what you're saying, so do this yourself.

Resist the urge to explain.

PARENT: VERB TO NOUN

When your kids were young, you fed them, pulled them out of stuck spots and kept them from running into the street. You changed their pants, talked to their teachers and gave them curfews that they tended to ignore.

In the beginning of children's lives, parenting is a verb. It involves lots of sometimes exhausting effort. You were the center of their lives. As they get older, however, the word "parent" changes.

When my daughter was sixteen and was employed at Six Flags, she worked her tushie off. But she also made mistakes, even calling in sick once--unbeknownst to me--when she was on a lark with friends. She got caught by her boss and when she came home with her tail between her legs, her dad and I sent her straight back to work to deal with the mess she'd made.

That was active parenting.

This same child of mine defended her dissertation today. She's grown up past the age of maturity and is in a psychology doctoral program. Defending a dissertation proposal is a fourth-year, near-the-end hurdle. Not passing the defense would mean a year delay in getting to the next step. Her father and I have both been through the hell of defending a proposal. Although professors are generally nice people, they don't make this at all easy.


This afternoon, her father and I sat at our desks, worrying and praying for her. Particularly since one of her committee members threw her a loop hours before the defense.

This is the Noun part of parenting. She's an adult. She no longer needs us to be active in directing her life. She doesn't need us pointing out her mistakes or telling her what she should do. She's not a young child, even though she's our child.

It's no longer okay for me to ask her where she's going, to tell her when she needs to get in, when she's at our house, or tell her what she ought to do. This phase of parenting is about being supportive and loving; not directive.

The transition from verb to noun can be difficult for both parents and children, but it's hugely important. We love our kids and yet we still forget to believe in them. Even though they screw up--which we all do lots of when we're young--they still have what it takes to make their way in this world.

The worst, most crippling thing that the parent of an adult can do is to rescue them from their own bad choices. Yes, I know it's very difficult to watch them suffer. Incredibly, incredibly difficult. But they deserve to have the learning that comes from cleaning up their own mistakes.

Don't give in to the urge to pull an adult child out of the fire.

I realize this is very difficult when we parents have been "helping" our kids all their lives. The shift from active supporter to cheering bystander is very difficult, but you need to convey to your children by your behavior that you know they can meet whatever challenge comes their way.

Find the balance--some parents can offer money toward the purchase of a home; some supported their kids through college. You can support your kids, but don't, however, do what they can do for themselves.

RELATIONSHIP TROUBLE SIMMERING

All couples have disagreements at times, but trouble starts brewing when these conflicts aren't resolved. I mean, resolved so everyone feels understood and satisfied with the outcome. This means that both partners actually hear one another, paying attention to the concerns of both. Everyone comes out of these arguments feeling their issues were aired and seriously considered.

This is not always the case and it always leads to trouble.

I shudder when couples on home improvement reality shows talk about one person always getting his or her way. Think about it--do you like being with someone when you never win? When all you do is lose?

Of course, not. Initially, this may not seem like a big deal and a section of the population shrugs and goes along to keep the peace. The trouble is that this gets old fast. After a while, you find yourself choosing to be with others when before, you'd have chosen your mate.

Typically, people have relationship disagreements and--because they're tired of fighting--they get over it. This doesn't mean anything is resolved or that they feel good about the way things worked out, but you move on. You certainly don't think that these relationship problems are gaining strength. But, over time, this kind of situation breeds discontent and that leads to eventual relationship break-down.

Sadly, when the always-losing relationship partner gets finally fed up, they're done. They've been unhappy a long time--and have often thought of leaving for a long time. The relationship is over with little chance of revival. The partner who usually wins all disagreements is stunned, unable to believe that things are this bad. But this is when the unhappy partner is half-way out the door.

Sometimes, they've become interested in someone else or some other life issue has brought them to a turning point.

It's a bad thing when one partner is always right.

Getting outside, professional input when your relationship has a fighting chance is only smart. If you find yourself with a flickering interest in extramarital party or if you find yourself dreaming of living alone--get relationship help immediately.

Don't wait until it's too late.

DON'T JUST ASK

When clients sit in my office, explaining their relationship problems, I always ask about their communication and they always tell me that they listen well. I believe that they think they listen, but if their relationship partner is sitting in the session with them when I ask this question, they often shake their heads when I ask if their mate listens to them.

You think you're listening, but your partner doesn't feel heard. Something isn't working.

Many times, when partners are in the middle of conflicted conversations--that's all some relationships have--there's lots of talking, but no one is listening. This generally goes both ways, but your focus needs to be on what you're not doing. After all, you can change this.

Let's start with that one--look at yourself and what you are or aren't doing. I'm not saying everything is your problem or that you're the only one causing issues, but you have the most direct power over what  you do. It only makes sense to start changing what you have direct control over--you.

The question isn't so much whether you think you're listening to your partner(most of us do think this). Ask your partner whether he or she feels heard by you.

Basic question. Needs to be asked simply. Don't add a lot of words to it, just ask.

Some of us talk too much, while others don't say nearly enough. To find out what's happening with your partner--you need to ask. Then listen without interrupting. Don't rush in to explain yourself. Absolutely don't say, "No, you don't feel that way." (I mean, who's the one who'd know best? You or your partner?)

If your mate claims that you don't listen, then maybe you'd better find out more. First, say that you want them to feel heard. This is true if you have any interest in the relationship. Yes, you want to feel heard, too. But you really do what him to feel you listen.

Next, invite your mate to tell you whatever she'd like.  You may get blasted, but maybe not. Either way, resist the natural urge to defend yourself or explain whatever she's not taking into account. (Trust me, the urge will be strong.)

Then do your best to listen hard enough to be able to repeat back to her--to her satisfaction--what she said.

It's not enough to ask what's going or what's bothering him. You need to be engaged enough to be able to tell him--after he's told you--what's bothering him. Please don't try to tell him what you think is bothering him. It'll probably be wrong.

RELATIONSHIPS--THE COMPATIBILITY HOAX

Lots of people are looking for love and floundering around about what gives them the best shot at a satisfying, enduring love. After having several failed relationships, they often try to find a mate with whom they share preferences and opinions. This sadly can lead to even more relationship disaster.

The trouble is that individuals get confused between values and personality traits. You need to share one, but not the other.

My husband and I laugh remembering the incident when he talked me into helping him move a refrigerator down a flight of stairs. Just the two of us, mind you, and I'm not particularly brawny. Actually not at all. This happened early in our relationship (yes, we got it down the stairs without killing anyone, but it was close) and it functions as an example of all the times my risk-taking husband has talked me into stuff. Seriously, I sometimes doubt my own intelligence in these situations.

Still, Roger works for me partially because he is a risk-taker, unlike me. He thinks outside the box; he sees options I don't see. In short, he's nothing like me in this way. I close the cabinet doors as I walk through the kitchen. I throw away the top to the milk jug(without realizing he's still using it!) and I like to make lists.

He and I are not alike. Despite this, we've been married so long we sound much older than we are (early marriage!).

Being different in personality has been really good for us. We each have skills the other doesn't have. We see angles the other doesn't see. It's like having someone on the other end of the teeter totter--lots more fun than just sitting there by myself.

This wouldn't be true, however, if my husband and I had different values. From early on, we both valued education, we shared the same beliefs on religion and we even have pretty much the same politics.

We've had some rough spots(he wanted kids; I didn't) in the values area and we've had to make some challenging decisions, but after living with him--and working with lots of couples--I'm convinced that compatibility doesn't mean being the same. The problem with sharing the same outlook--seeing the world the same way--is that you have no one to help you see a different perspective. Seeing the other side of a question is always helpful. You may not change your mind, but your perspective is much better.

You don't have to be the same. Actually, it's probably better if you aren't. What you do need to have in common is your values. You need to want the same things in life. Values includes lifestyle and goals and they function to guide your life choices.

You need to respect your own perspective. You certainly have validity in your outlook, but compatibility doesn't mean your mate has to have the same perspective.