It's a Bad Relationship If...

This may seem obvious, but maybe your parents fought all the time and everyone you know has husbands or wives who go through their phones or grill them on who they're talking to. Maybe it doesn't occur to you not to feel jealous.

So, this is how a bad relationship looks--

Physical confrontations. Maybe you were drinking, maybe you said something you shouldn't have. Still, hitting is not love.

You don't want the same things in life (and I mean the big things). You don't agree on where to live, how to spend your time or what's most important.

No real support. In loving relationships, your success is important to your mate. (He says he wants you to go to grad school and get that professional degree, but he expects you to make as much money as he does while you're doing it.)

Cheating (Maybe it's him. Maybe it's you). You might still love one another, but doing the horizontal mambo with a third party means there's real trouble in relationship-ville.

It's always your fault. How come it's always your responsibility when the two of you fight? Does that seem fair? Who gave you all the power?

Your needs don't seem that important. If you're a problem drinker, why does she want to keep liquor in the house?

You don't enjoy each other anymore. If it's a pain to come home, then you've got serious trouble here. Any relationship has challenging moments. Can you give yours a percentage, and if it's less than fifty, can you say why you're staying? Even at a 50%, the relationship needs serious work.

Loving relationships make you a better person. They may also make you furious and insane, at times, but if your partner helps you be a better person, that's love. Whether we're talking achieving in school, at work or spiritually, loving relationships add to your life.

Ask yourself if your relationship really contributes to your well-being. There may be reasons it's inconvenient to leave. You may have a problem admitting it failed, but maintaining a bad relationships doesn't make it a success.

If you answer the question "Why are you still in the relationship?" with something like "We get along sometimes," then you're in the middle of a bad relationship. Don't tell yourself it's better for you or your kids to stay in this situation.

Not all bad relationships turn physical. Still, if you only have two or three things on this list that fit your relationship, you still need to take a good, hard look at why you're with the one you're with.

Do your part to fix it. Get therapy. Or leave.

Sometimes Love Sucks

Love may make the world go around and a life lived without love may not be much of a life, but let's face it--love can be a bitch. This applies whether we're talking about your mate or your kids. Love can hurt really bad. You may have a relationship that works well and it may have worked well for a while, but don't claim that there haven't been some rough times along the way.

The truth is that loving someone is like giving him a key to your heart. Whatever that person does or doesn't do, says or doesn't say, matters like the dickens. Husband, wife, teenager, mate or best friend--it doesn't matter--love involves vulnerability. While you may openly scoff and claim immunity, if you love the other person, he has the power to impact you. The key to your heart. You may, at times, want to call the locksmith, because sometimes the one you love is downright stupid (particularly if he is a teenager). Sometimes intentionally hurtful. Usually, loved ones are unintentionally hurtful.

If whatever he's doing isn't good for him or isn't nurturing your relationship with him, you struggle.

The biggest challenge lies in the nature of loving relationships. While most people acknowledge that love makes you vulnerable, they still want to hold on to the belief that love also gives them a "right" to control or direct the loved one's behavior. It doesn't. There isn't any room for control in loving relationships. If this were so, then we'd have to throw "free will" out the window and none of us would be in charge of our own lives. Just think about it, people who've loved you have probably had pretty strong opinions about the way you should live your life. Have you always agreed with these?

So, you love someone, you're affected by his behavior. If he decides not to love you, you hurt. If he takes up a dangerous sport that may lead to his death, you fear. If he gets addicted to a drug and suffers the physical and/or legal consequences, you hurt.

Vulnerability with little control.

Of course, if this same loved one makes a perfect score on the SAT and gets into Harvard, you're thrilled. That's the thing about love, it means that whatever happens to, or is chosen by, the loved one, you're impacted. You don't, however, get to control what the ones you love do.

They may choose really hurtful, non-productive relationships. You love them, so you get to watch. They may throw away chance after chance in life. You hurt because they're hurting themselves. Love equals vulnerability with limited control. You have some control--to some degree, you chose those who you remain in relationship with. Those to whom you're vulnerable. Love that is too battered, usually dies. You can chose not to be in relationship with someone whose life choices are consistently flawed to the point that it's painful to watch.

You don't get to pick his choices, but you do get to pick your relationships. And if, in the case of a child, you don't want to completely remove this person from your life, you still can work at finding a less painful place from which to observe. You can strive for a little distance. This doesn't make the pain go away, but it can let you breathe a little easier.

When you love someone, you open your heart. Love wouldn't be of much value if you didn't. This vulnerability can be challenging, but in the greater scheme, love brings tremendous strength and reward.

Gnawing Anxiety

You may be sitting at your desk at work or driving your car like you do everyday. Nothing is all that different. Nothing is particularly scary, but, all at once, your heart starts pounding and you're scared. You may feel like you're having a heart attack and your breathing may be shallow and urgent. Many people rush to the emergency room at this point.

Panic attacks often convince their surprised victims they're physically ill and need immediate medical help.

The classic panic attack--think Jack Nicholson in Something's Gotta Give--can seem to mimic a cardiac event. You feel like you're dying! Panic attacks are only one way anxiety can impact your life. There are smart, competent people around you who struggle daily with moments of overwhelming fear and anxiety. Many seek a pharmacological answer to these baffling episodes, and medication can help on a short-term basis. There are individuals whose lives begin to revolve around avoiding or trying to avoid this kind of experience.

It might be your boss--an attractive, competent woman who has earned the power she wields. You may have a close friend or a relative. People who struggle with anxiety can alter their lives, avoiding situations that have previously been associated with the overwhelming feeling of not being okay. Many seek professional help to manage their physical symptoms.

You might, however, need to look at your emotional life.

As it is with all complicated human experiences, one answer doesn't fit everyone, but anxiety usually comes from one of several places. Individuals who live their lives very rationally sometimes don't listen to their own feelings very well. They just go on with life, assuming emotions aren't that significant. Your emotions, however, can be vital in conveying information you need. You need to tune into your gut reactions. This isn't saying you're going to be controlled by your feelings. You can still make rational choices in a situation when you are attuned to your feelings .

Most people just want to make this go away, but panic and a sense of chronic anxiety may be your mind's way of telling you to tune into yourself.

Other individuals struggling with anxiety might have an underlying sense of inadequacy: they're not sure they're capable of dealing with whatever life throws them. These individuals can also seem bright and strong-minded. Inside, though, they're convinced of their own limitations. They might have a deep conviction of their inability to respond to situations and people around them.

Which ever disorder fits you, anxiety can be gripping and overwhelming. It can take over your life. Medication is not a long-term solution. Your body will adjust to the meds and you'll start needing a bigger dosage or a different kind of medication. You can learn to manage this emotional experience, however. You can deal with it so well, it no longer rules your life.

We are such finely tuned systems. With therapeutic assistance, you can learn to listen to your feelings without being controlled by them. You can learn to see your own strengths and feel confident in these.

Anxiety doesn't have to rule your life. You can live--not an anxiety-free life--that wouldn't be safe, but you can beat this. You don't have to live with the monster in your closet.

Parenting Lies You Tell Yourself

Having kids is one of the scariest things you can do in this life. The urge to become a parent is strong in most, and for many people, not a lot of thought goes into whether or not to become a parent. It's more a question of when, than if. You may find yourself planning, however, being a different kind of parent from those you see around you or from your own parents.

Be careful, though, that you aren't deceiving yourself.

Parenting challenges every difficult or unpleasant part of you. (You know what these are!) After all, the little munchkins live with you. They see you at your worst and, because they are smaller and have less power than you, they tend to hit below the belt. They always seem to know right where you don't want to go.

Sometimes this just involves being very, very messy when they know it really annoys you, the neatnik. Sometimes, your kid will realize that you really care how the people in the grocery store see you and your beloved child can become your personal terrorist.

Even bigger life-decisions can play out very differently than you planned.

If you value successful social interaction, your little person may be introverted. You like playing sports? Your kid would rather die. You're a Republican? He's a liberal Democrat. Getting a college degree important to you? Your daughter may declare that she's not going to college, at all. Trust me, if you like peas, kids will define themselves (I'm me, not you) by being different. Sometimes very different.

So parenting, while very fulfilling, is one of the most challenging endeavors you will ever undertake. And unlike marriage or any committed relationship(which is the other really tough thing you face), parenting doesn't come with a divorce clause. If you hate being a parent or dislike your kids (major fear for many), you can't just walk away without some pretty significant consequences.

You may be propelled toward having children by your own urges (or society's dictates), and yet you have anxiety about this life experience. Piles of books are published on how to parent. Lots of people are doing it really badly and you don't want to be one of them. So, you convince yourself that your child will "never be like that." Your child won't be rude or unappreciative or obnoxious. Your child will do well in school and will never yell that he hates you.

This is a good time to realize that nothing alters one's outlook like experience. Don't be too quick to judge others. You might very well be one of those parents who refuses to let your child terrorize you into buying them candy when you're checking out at the discount store. You might find yourself, however, dealing with things differently than you thought you would.

If you're engaged in the adventure of raising a child, take every lesson that comes to you and learn for all you're worth. Along with the toothless grins and heart-warming hugs, parenting brings with it a life-long string of personal lessons. Embrace the journey, if you're going there.

Are You The One?

Maybe it's time to quit whining about not finding the "right one" and start asking yourself if you're the right one. The dating-mating hunt is huge these days. Just look at the booming internet dating sites. Lots of people struggle with rotten dates and disappointing relationships and you may be doing the same. It might, however, be time to look at yourself.

The popular TLC show Flip That House has individuals buying a promising property and fixing any problems so they can turn around and sell for a profit. This same approach might yield a productive change in your dating perspective.

Maybe you need to become someone's "The One." It might be a good idea to address your own limitations.

It's important to note that this way of looking at dating doesn't mean anything horrible about you. No implied criticism here. There is, however, room for improvement--always. Life is one long fixer-up. Unless you're entrenched in never changing, you're going to find things you need to do differently.

So, when it comes to looking for a mate, why not do a personal walk-through and look for areas you can improve? The first thing that many people focus on(and get hung up on) is the physical. Looking good, though, isn't as important in a life mate as having good health habits. You don't need to go on a make-over show and get all gussied up. That may feel good, but dealing with personal habits that hold you back is a bigger investment.

What needs changing about you? A good place to start looking is to conduct as objective a study as you can on what you did to torpedo your last relationship. Again, not blaming you. You couldn't have been completely at fault in your last relationship because there were two of you involved, and you didn't have all the power. You did, however, contribute something to it going south.

Pick one--You insisted on everything being your way. You didn't really insist on your way, ever. You were too rigid. You had no boundaries at all and let yourself get run over. You are an emotional spender. You put your emotional well-being in always having money in the bank(more is always better). You struggle to express emotion. You are all-emotion and have a hard time being objective. Et Cetera, et cetera.

Take a good, hard look at yourself. What have your last three lovers accused you of? Can you find a theme in what they said? Remember, you aren't totally at fault in why your past relationships have ended…but you need to see what you contributed to each situation. You need to know yourself. Your areas of struggle. Your biggest challenges. Once you can see these, you've got a good chance of seeing what you need to change to give your next relationship a better shot.

Just knowing the areas where you struggle is huge. When you've got a lock on these, then you can do something about them. Changing isn't easy. Don't let anyone tell you differently. Whether you want to take care of your body better(and locate your abs again) or whether you want to learn to trust yourself, it's going to be hard sometimes. Self-improvement pays off, though. You'll be happier with yourself and, automatically, happier to be around. If you start dealing with your own non-productive behaviors, you'll be more content and your relationships will have a better chance of success.

Be "The One" that special someone is looking for.

Surviving Grief

It doesn't feel like you're going to survive. Maybe there are moments when not surviving seems preferable. You soldier on, though, but you're not sure how. You get out of bed. You put one foot in front of the other and, somehow, you make it through another day. Grief can seem to suck the life out of you and people do it differently. There is no one-size-fits-all.

If you're going to come through this somewhat intact, however, you need to aim to survive the loss. Ironically, you have to go through--feel--these emotions to minimize the damage. Trying to avoid feeling loss and anger, or the sense of being out-of-control of your life, is normal, but it doesn't work.

Maybe you've lost a loved one to death. Or you may be mourning the end of a relationship. Sometimes, too, we grieve big changes in our lives, which can bring loss as well as gain. Grief can be a part of losing a job, a relationship or a significant role--a way in which you define yourself. Grief hurts. Don't let anyone else tell you that you shouldn't feel how you feel or that you should grieve a certain way.

Sometimes, grief is so large and over-whelming that you just can't deal with it. Or it feels like you can't. Sometimes, you might delay your grieving until some part of you can face it. You may have tried a number of unhealthy behaviors in an attempt to cope with loss. Some people try and drink it away. Some try to lose themselves by diving into relationships that are, by nature, dysfunctional.

Think of grief as if you're in the ocean. This is not a nice ocean. You feel like you're drowning in pain. It feels bad, but if you'll notice, the emotion of grief or loss comes in waves. Not unlike a woman's contractions in the birth experience, the emotion of grief can seem to build or can slam into you with the force of a locomotive. Suddenly, you're awash in loss. Drowning. The sense of missing can envelope you and crash over your head. You may feel like you can't breath. Even trying to draw air into your lungs hurts. You probably feel desperate, like you need to do something, anything, to make this emotion go away.

If you'll stay with it, though--weep, yell, rant at the skies, whatever--it will start to diminish after a time. If you curl into a fetal position and cry, or if you start throwing and breaking things(hopefully not things you really like), eventually, the emotion will become less intense. It will subside some. Don't try to reason the feelings away. This is a natural tendency, but it doesn't help. Don't try and distract yourself. Just feel it. Feel the loss, the grief, the missing. If you give yourself over to it, the emotion will eventually subside. Honestly, it will. And if you work your way through the experience, the episodes will eventually get shorter and you'll be able to breathe through them.

Loss sucks. We humans don't ever like it. It never feels good, but eventually, you'll be able to laugh again.

If you're mourning the loss of a loved one, remember, that it's okay to feel better eventually. You want to be able to remember the person you lost, and smile. He had his quirks, crazy things he did or said. Silly or annoying things he didn't do when most people would have. You want to be able to remember him without feeling like you've been stabbed in the gut. You want to feel normal again.

Sometimes you can even feel guilty for not continuing to grieve. Remember, life requires you to return to some functionality. Loving the one you lost, doesn't mean being miserable forever. You have to recover, if you're going to celebrate the life that was so important to you.

Sometimes, it doesn't seem like grief will ever go away, and in some relationships, you may always miss the individual when you think of her. You can, however, survive.

Coping with Infidelity

Christy and Jake(not their real names) have been married seven years. They have good jobs, two wonderful children, ages three and five, and a decent income. Jake just confessed to having an affair with a co-worker.

There are plenty of friends and family who tell Christy she needs to leave him, but Jake is saying that's not what he wants. What should Christy do? She loves him--and hates him--and he's the father of their two sons. He's willing to end the affair and have no more contact with the woman than he has to have for work.

How does Christy ever believe him? How do they heal? Can a marriage survive this kind of damage?

Unfortunately, a lot of couples are facing this situation. Studies rate marital infidelity at an all-time high. Is Christy's only solution to end the relationship and try to find another mate she can trust?

Successfully dealing with infidelity while keeping the marriage intact depends on several things. Are both partners (1) Committed to making the relationship work?, and (2) Can they figure out what went wrong?

If the partner who strayed is still emotionally entangled with the fantasy of the lover, the marriage will not get the healing attention it needs. Fixing and strengthening a marriage so that it nourishes both partners takes the energy of both partners. Sad Reality: You can't do this with just one of you working and you can't do it only for the kids' sake.

You have to put your whole self into healing this relationship, if that's what you want to do.

Some people try to use guilt as a principle motivator--both the wronged partner and the straying partner may think this is appropriate. Guilt is never a long term answer. It doesn't fix the problem that existed before the infidelity, and this is one of the hardest realities to deal with: there were problems before the infidelity. Issues that were unresolved in the relationship led to a break-down in the emotional connection in the marriage.

The other person may not be hot. In fact, he or she is probably very ordinary. The wronged spouse usually has a hard time comprehending the affair, in this case. She's not even attractive! Try to understand that extra-marital relationships are rarely about the sex. This kind of relationship is like an opportunistic infection in a person with a weakened immune system. If there wasn't a problem in the first place, the affair wouldn't have happened.

One of the hardest things to do, when you're the cheated-on spouse, is to move beyond the pain of this betrayal to begin to fix the problem. (I am not saying you need to blindly forgive! Don't do this! It doesn't make the problem go away.) What has to happen is understanding--true understanding--of the issues in the relationship and the feelings you both struggled with before the infidelity. If you're the wronged spouse, you may swing between fury, tremendous pain and an irrational guilt. If you're the partner who had the affair, you probably switch back and forth between groveling and anger at your spouse and, even, a longing for the fantasy of the affair. This is a horrible experience for everyone.

You have to learn to talk to one another, talk about the issues that most impact the relationship. (You may not even know what these are, at first.) You have to listen. This is painful, but extremely productive. The conflicts and poor communication patterns between the two of you have to be fixed if you're going to move beyond this tremendously difficult experience and find each other again. Probably the hardest thing for the wronged spouse to face is his or her contributions to the problems in the marriage before the infidelity. The cheating is only your fault if you were the one getting naked with someone to whom you weren't married. If you cheated, that was irrefutably your choice. But healing a relationship requires you to deal with the relationship.

It can be done.

Relationships, if set on a good foundation of dealing with conflict, can heal. Like a broken bone, they can heal stronger than they were before, but its a long road. Not everyone will want to take this path. Some are too savaged by the breach of trust, some are too angry. It's a very personal decision, and one only you can make.