OPPOSITE SEX FRIENDSHIP

Contrary to some opinions, men and women can be friends. Sex can be terrific fun, but that doesn't mean that all possible sexual partners turn you on. Sometimes, you just like another person apart from any interest in seeing him naked.

Men and women can be friends. This doesn't usually work if they just broke up, however, or if one half of the equation hopes to get back together in a romantic involvement. Some people do form workable friendships after they've broken up, but most just shift into a relationship-never-land that doesn't help anyone move forward. Separation--disconnecting all the aspects of couplehood--is a complicated challenge. Trying to shift gears from romantic partnership to friendship takes time.

But what if you've never been more than friends? What if you're with a partner and your friends are just friends. This can be challenging, too, because it can feel threatening to your partner. Particularly when the relationship has issues to resolve and, basically, all relationships have these, at various times.

But if you're an individual who's always felt more comfortable with friends of the opposite sex, it doesn't seem weird at all.

You need to remember that lots of couples were friends before they began a romantic relationship and many individuals say their romantic partner is their best friend. So, the issue gets murky.

If, though, you're genuinely not interested in dating your friend, you need to remember several important aspects of this issue. Secrecy is scary. It conveys significance and line-crossing behavior. Think about things you hide. When there isn't a reason, you don't worry about keeping a secret. If you're not open, your partner will think some thing's going on. Emotional intimacy requires openness. If you're not telling your partner about interactions and/or significant conversations you have with your opposite sex friend, your partner's going to get nervous.

Let your friendship be transparent. Invite your partner to be involved with your friend. Maybe he's not into pool-like you enjoy with your friend--or he doesn't get into horseback riding or rugby. He might not be interested in the activities you enjoy, but talking naturally about what you do and inviting him along, when appropriate, will go a long way to making this a non-issue.

The most important thing you can do to address this issue, though, is to connect more intimately with your partner. The two of you need to maximize your communication and your enjoyment of one another. Then, it's not a big deal if your friend is a guy or a girl.

WHEN TO BE "NICE," WHEN TO BE DIRECT

You're always supposed to be nice...right? That's the message in the Santa Claus song("....He knows when you've been naughty. He knows when you've been nice...") and that's what most mothers tell their kids. Particularly girl children.

But niceness has limitations. Sometimes you need to state the facts and let happen what happens.

NICE

When you're on the phone with customer service...even if you've had a long, frustrating wait or been hung up on several times. Be nice to the person on the other end of the phone. But be direct with the supervisor (this doesn't mean calling names or cursing. Neither will help).

When you're on a busy highway and people are trying to merge politely. Go ahead and let a couple of cars in. Don't, however, let every car in or the drivers behind you will have reason to get mad. Also, drivers who are pushy don't really deserve niceness, but you need to know when to back off. They could be carrying weapons and you don't want to end up on the evening news.

When you're correcting a subordinant. Talk about the action that needs changing, not the person. Sweeping generalizations aren't helpful and won't yield the changes you need. Raising your voice also isn't likely to give you the results you desire. Talk in a level voice. Nice works in this situation, but don't think you have to ignore a problem. This actually isn't kind to your employer, your subordinant or you.

Talking to kids (and others who "don't matter.") This is one of those times when you need to remember that just because a child is less powerful doesn't mean he doesn't deserve some decency. You don't have to suck up to kids. They don't appreciate this either, but do be kind and reasonable...even if you want to scream at them.

DIRECT

When you're breaking up with someone. This isn't the time to talk about all the reasons you like a person or say that you'll always be friends. The "friends" thing is usually just to make you feel better and it isn't reasonable if you're ending the intimate part of your relationship. Be fair and kind. Deal with your own struggle in losing the friend-part of the relationship. If you're breaking up, you need to let the other person go. You may think you're softening the blow, but it actually makes things worse.

When you're reporting a crime. If you've been assaulted by a friend of a friend or hurt by a family member, don't try to make this less horrible than it is. Nice isn't appropriate here. You deserve better.

When you're telling a mate or lover about a problem in the relationship. You may have a urge to sugar-coat or downplay what you're feeling: Don't. One of the saddest parts of a break-up is when one person professes complete unawareness of the problems. Yes, your mate may suck at listening to you, but you have a responsibility to speak up about what's bothering you. Don't think trouble will just go away. It doesn't. It just eats at the foundation of the relationship till you don't like each other anymore. Own your feelings. Don't blame. But say what's bothering you and make sure you're heard.''

Niceness can be helpful, but there are moments you need to say what you're thinking straight out...particularly with the people you love.

PLEASE DON'T LEAVE

It is a sad fact that relationships end. Sometimes with no obvious warning and sometimes with lots of break-up/get-back-together phases. Losing an individual who's been very important in your life can be tremendously painful.

If you've struggled through long, hard relationship battles, the end to it all can almost be a relief, but even then, individuals can have a difficult time with loss. The termination can seem so final (with the "we can be friends" issue often muddying the previous committed couple water).

Dissolving relationships hurts, even if the dissolving part has been happening awhile.

We're all involved in heart-close interactions with other people and these require the participation of both parties. It's like a handshake--both have to clasp one another. Parent-child, friends, lovers: all bear some of the same characteristics. In the nature of this is the reality that, while it takes two people to make a relationship, it only takes one person deciding to leave to break up a relationship.

For whatever reason, sometimes people just go away.

The one who clings to the relationship can make adjustments or urge the other to fight more for their connection, but when to leave or whether to leave is an incredibly personal decision. Everyone gets to decide for him or herself. This kind of experience in families, with children at the center of the decision, can be especially painful. Parents struggle with feeling they should stay together for the kids.

Sometimes, though, it's the kids who urge them to separate. On the other hand, sometimes kids want their parents to stay together even if the family life is riddled with conflicts and strife.

K., a 14 year old girl, writes that her mom and dad are always fighting and have almost broken up several times. Each time the girl and her siblings begged them to stay together, despite her father's "moments" of anger and lashing out.

The children in this family feel the need to keep mom and dad together, but this isn't their job. Even though it's very scary to think about parents splitting up, kids can't be responsible for their parents' relationships. They can end up taking sides--aligning with one or the other parent--and functioning as the adults, trying to be peacekeepers.

Not their job. If the parents split, they split, and the kids need to know they can create new lives. They can adjust to the reality of a divorced family. It takes time and parts of it are jarringly painful, but K and her siblings might be happier on the other side.

Human beings need connection. We need also to realize the fragility of this and the cooperativity of it. Sometimes, people who care for each other stick through rough times and come to a better understanding.

Sometimes, they don't.

Hate this, if you want, but don't be crippled by it. Don't hesitate to risk connection. It's vital to your well-being, even if you have pain in the process. Even if the one you love, leaves.

DON'T HIDE PATERNITY

In the last century, parents routinely hid the fact of children being adopted and did everything they could to avoid discovery of this. The reasons for this well-meant deception aren't obvious, but if there was then a stigma attached to the adopted situation, there isn't now. There is, however, a sad reality that not all biological parents choose to be involved in their children's lives. Sometimes they don't even see the kid before disappearing, which has nothing to do with the child's worth and value.

One reader writes "My son is 11 yrs old and for the past year he has been asking me why he looks different than his brothers and if he was adopted. He of course wasn't adopted. But he does have a different father than his brothers. My husband and I began our relationship when he was only 2 and he started calling him Daddy so we just went with it....Can you please give me some advice on how to approach this with my son?"

Yes, you need to tell him the truth, and the sooner the better. You and your husband need to sit down with him and tell him that you were involved with his biological father before you met your husband. Tell him you haven't told him the truth all this time because you didn't know how and because you always wanted him to know that he's a full member of this family. You don't want him to think that his biological origins make him less important to your husband. This is the point at which his dad needs to earnestly express that your son is his son, that he loves him as he loves his other children and can't imagine his life without him.

Tell your son about his biological father now, so he doesn't feel you've lied to his whole childhood.

Then prepare yourself for questions. Your son will ask about his biological father and why he's not in his son's life. He'll ask why you guys broke up. He'll ask if he has any other siblings.

Tell him the truth and don't give into the temptation to sugar coat it. At the same time, don't say ugly things about his biological father. (This may be very tempting. Resist the urge.) If your son asks to meet his father, try to arrange it. If the guy doesn't respond or questions paternity, be careful what you pass on to your son. Keep it simple and factual. Tell your son that when he is a grown-up, he can pursue meeting his biological father, if he wants(always assuming the father doesn't want to meet him now).

The more involved your husband is in this conversation the better. Sometimes, non-biological parents worry that they'll be replaced if the real dad comes into the picture. This isn't the case, but it's a natural fear. If your husband shows any evidence of this, reassure him that parenthood involves being there for the child day in and day out--cleaning up after the child when he's sick and helping him learn to throw a ball. Parenthood isn't about DNA.

Still, secrets about DNA can rob individuals of information that is rightly theirs. Tell your son the truth. When he gets older, he may try to pursue a relationship with his biological father. This isn't a rejection of your husband. Don't freak out about it. Adolescence is a complicated unfolding of personhood. Your son has a right to know.

Your husband will always be his father. Your son will probably eventually get to the place to acknowledge this, even if he has to explore his biological connections first. In the best possibility, your son's biological father may now see the error of his ways and want a small, supporting part in the kid's life. That may not sound good now, but getting child support may be helpful and parenting teens can be challenging.

You may be glad to share the load with a third party. If nothing else, he can help pay for college.

MOM ISSUES

Having issues with a parent is so common it's become comedien-fodder. Think about all the "Mom" jokes you've heard. There are few things more that effect you more than how you get along with your parents.

They were massively involved in your developing self-worth and their lives impacted you at a very sensitive time...they probably still do. Your mom and dad--if they were present in your life--were the first people you looked to impress, the first ones you counted on to rescue you when you were in trouble.

Most people want their parents to be proud of them--as kids and adults.

But this isn't a simple relationship(actually, I'm not sure there are any). Parents are people who have issues like we all do, and your parents were certainly less than perfect. Even if they are really great people, there were moments when they let you down. Sometimes way down. Even though most individuals want to believe at times that family is everything, some families aren't happy or healthy.

C.H. writes "...My son is in a treatment center for his behavior and was making progress until he had a day pass with his grandma, sister and I. Since then, his counselor has stated that he's regressed. It's due to the constant bickering chaos that occurs when my mother and I are around each other. I would like to know how to deal with her, so it won't affect my son...I have a lot of resentment towards my mother and I really can't stand to be close to her...."

C.H. has a tremendously complicated situation with her concern for her son and her frustration with her mother muddying the waters. The easiest answer to this problem to greatly limit the time grandma spends with the son and with C.H., but that doesn't address C.H.'s own issues.

There is no law that says you have to maintain a relationship that's toxic, either with your parents or with your own adult children. You can end all contact. There are individuals who believe that the blood tie of kinship trumps all behavior, but I'm not one of them. In this world, we learn by consequences. No relationship should be above this; not even family ties. If a family member does you harm, end the relationship.

That's the easy conclusion, but the hard part is in sorting out the definition of "doing harm." Most people would agree that abuse--either physical or sexual--comes under this heading. Also included would be abandonment and parental neglect--not providing food, shelter, clothing to children. (You don't need these provided when you're an adult, but when you're a kid, they are your right.)

It is in your best interest, though, to look at your part in family conflicts. Your personal unaddressed and unresolved issues. You're not a helpless victim here. You interact, react and stimulate a certain amount of what goes on. Your feelings toward your parent and your anger may be understandable--lots of individuals have resentments against their parents and reasons for these.

If you're stuff starts to spill over and damage those around you, you need to get help for yourself. Cutting off contact with your parent won't end the personal behaviors you may be struggling with that contribute to the mess. Ask yourself if you're adding fuel to the family fights. Look at yourself. Go to counseling--not to straighten out the other person, but to learn how to deal with the challenges yourself.

I'm in no way saying that you're to blame for the family conflicts. Problems take at least two people, but you can learn to end it for you...and for those you love.

ADULT CHILDREN

It's not enough that they gave you stretch marks before birth and heart attacks every time your kids ran for the street, they're still troubling your sleep now. And they're all grown up. It may not seem like your adult child--over the age of eighteen--is acting very mature, but you have to come to accept what you can't change when they're at this age.

S.M. writes that she's worried about her twenty-six year old son's relationship. His girlfriend "...has called the police 3 times on [him]...for stealing her car.... She has brainwashed him into thinking that she 'helped' him by calling the police.... And now...she's pregnant."

P.G. is also concerned about an adult child. His daughter is only nineteen, but she's now pregnant by a 39 year-old sex offender. P.G. wants to tell this guy off and insist he"...break this off and not see my daughter again."

Unless this sex offender molests little children and you fear for your grandchild, you need to step back from this situation.

It is sad and painful to see adult children making incredibly poor relationship choices. You've had some years on this earth and you can see the heartache coming at them. This becomes particularly complicated when a grandchild comes into the picture and there sadly isn't a great answer to any of it.

You can't make the bad situation go away. It's understandable that you want to. Since they were tiny, you've sheltered them from cold and chased away the boogie man. This time you can't. And if you're not careful, you'll become the bad guy. If you volunteer your opinions and your kid isn't ready to see the problems or acknowledge what he needs to do about the relationship, your child will likely take all the conflict that bad relationship is stirring up inside him and turn in on you. You then become the problem and the kid may distance himself from you. Don't go here. Don't say mean things(even if they're true) about the mate.

Don't also try to make your child's life easier by giving too much monetarily or of yourself. This is a sink-or-swim thing. You have to let the kid learn.

The key here is to recognize your adult child as an adult who is capable of and fully able to make his own choices. It can seem easier to believe that the child is under the sway of an evil, harmful partner, but you need to see your child as powerful. After all, you want him to be in charge of his own life, to make his own choices and take care of himself.

Believe in him. Believe he can do this even though he's fumbling now and making bad choices. Even though you know he deserves better.

Yes, you have opinions about what "good" looks like for your kid. It may seem like he's nuts right now and you'd like to shake him awake, but believing in your kid is the greatest gift you can give him. He needs to see himself as in charge of his life. You may wish some random thing would happen to remove the bad influence this relationship seems to be exerting, but if this relationship was magically removed, there would always be others. The bad relationship isn't the issue.

He needs to learn how to take care of himself and he may have some tough lessons to get him there, but you really want him to learn these lessons.

Everything becomes more complicated when a grandchild is involved, but the approach is almost the same. Think about this situation as if a co-worker or friend were in it. You wouldn't make uninvited comments. You wouldn't tell them how to live their lives or when to leave the S.O.B. You'd sit quietly by (possibly struggling) but not saying anything unless you're specifically asked. Even if you are asked, be very, very careful what you say.

The trick here is to be loving and involved without being distracting. Your child has to deal with this himself. Don't succumb to the temptation to step in and sort everything out. Don't threaten the mate(Yes, I know this is hard.) Stay out of the way. The kid isn't twelve anymore.

Stay out of the mess. Do not fight for custody of your grandchild unless the child is actively being abused or neglected. It can be incredibly difficult to sit on the sidelines here and it'll seem much easier to just walk away. This is when love is really, really hard. It can feel like watching a drowning swimmer when you know you could dive in and rescue him, but don't give into that very natural impulse. He's got to live his life.

This may mean bad choices and worse relationships. You may have to visit your grandchild in homes you'd never occupy or wearing clothes you think are inappropriate. Don't assume care of the grandbaby or, if your child and his child moves in with you, don't act like you're the grandbaby's caregiver. Unless you're willing to go to court to fight for custody--and possibly end your relationship with your child--don't take the grandbaby as your own child unless this is a case for CPS. If the child is being cared for, do the loving grandparent thing and then step back.

Stay out of it..and beam love towards your child. Believe in him; don't rescue him. He needs to find his own strength. He needs to know you think he can do it, even if he's got doubts about that himself.

Even if you sometimes have doubts. Keep these to yourself and love him.

SHORT-TERM CONSEQUENCES

It's sad, but the only way we learn is to get the consequences of our choices. Some of these, though, are big and scary. You certainly don't want your children getting the natural consequences of running out into the street. Much of parenting is blocking the big consequences until the kid can learn to safe-guard himself. Knowing which consequences to block and which to let your kids have, though, is complicated.

Choice--consequence. Action--reaction. This is what activates the learning experience. Short-term consequences are adults' artificial ways to help kids make better choices. If a kid is making poor social choices, you want him to learn to be a better friend because in the long-run creating friendships will benefit his life. We'd rather have short-term, artificial consequences than allow children long-term, possibly irreversible consequences. The more clear and natural the link between the behavior and the consequence, the better. Whether you choose to use Time Outs or Grounding the kid from his favorite toy, the closer you can make the consequence to the behavior the more effective these will be.

Sadly, kids tend to think they're punished not because they've made a bad choice, but because you're angry. Not the point.

A very natural tendency is to shelter your child from all the harsh winds of life. You may have wished your parents would do that with you or they might have taken a few bullets for you and you want to be the same kind of parent.

It's important that, as your kids get older, however, that you don't interfere in their learning moments. This needs to start earlier than you may think. Take the lessons learned in school...the really important ones don't involved multiplication tables or grammer. Your child needs to start learning the vital lesson of personal responsibility. If he doesn't get that what he does can yield him either good or bad things, he won't experience his own power. He doesn't get to choose everything in life, but he gets to choose much of his own experience.

Responsibility and power are completely linked. Your child needs to learn how this works and he'll learn much more effectively through experience. Parents want to tell their kids these things, but kids have to experience life. Half the time, they don't listen well. They only hear you saying blah, blah, blah, rather than comprehending and using the pearls of wisdom you're trying to impart.

As a parent, you have the unenviable job of deciding when to step in and when to stay out.

A rule of thumb here is that, as the child grows older, intervene in his consequences less often. So, when he's in high school and comes up with a dirty urine test, indicating that he's dabbling in drugs, this isn't the time for you to charge up to the school and yell at them for being hard on him. When he's six and has drawn "creative" pictures on the chalkboard, though, it might be a good idea for you to talk with his teacher about what's going on with him.

When he's younger, it's appropriate for his parent to get more involved. When he's an adult, you need to step way back. You still love him, no matter how old he gets, but your parenting needs to change at that point.

Parenting is one of the hardest things we do on this Earth. Giving your kid the consequences he chooses, though, is all about love.