IS SEX AN ADDICTION?

Don't feel alone--lots of folks are dealing with this problem. Whether this involves mainly an addiction to pornography or you've progressed to the point of meeting strangers for quick hook-ups, sex addiction can take a huge toll. It interferes with real personal relationships and can take over your life.

Recent research indicates some new and troubling consequences to some of this behavior. And this is ironic in a really bad way. Those individuals who use pornography can get caught up in the "no risk" aspects of viewing stimulating material and...as a result experience a diminished sexual capacity. This is actually a result of the no risk/no effort part of pornography. You get a sexual stimulation that has nothing to do with the risks involved in an actual relationship.

It turns out that reward and fulfillment are actually linked to risk and effort.

Let's be honest: relationships are challenging and loving another person puts us in a vulnerable place. We are very emotionally affected by what happens to--and what choices are made by--the one we love. Connection brings vulnerability.

Of course, it brings a lot of other good things, too.

With the sense of vulnerability and little relationship success can come a desire to avoid actual interaction with another human being. Your own version of the blow-up doll. People can just decide to go with the porn in an attempt to avoid troublesome interactions with others.

This avoidance can have some bizarre and unexpected consequences, however. Individuals choosing porn over persons can actually experience a diminished sexual capacity. Further research will have to be done on this phenomena, but think of the risks if it's true....

Can sex addiction lead to a loss of sexual function?

Of course, some folks question using the term "addiction" with sexual behavior. Alcohol has a physical addictive pattern. People can even be genetically predisposed to this kind of addiction. Unhealthy sexual behavior, though, can range from individuals engaging in irresponsible acts to people who's lives are taken over by an abnormal focus on sex. There's a range. Like many unhealthy behaviors, most people don't engage in this to the level of an addiction. Some do.

It's all about responsibility and self-control. With the term "addiction" is an assumption of the individual having no control over engaging in this particular act. Of course there are addiction specialists who disagree. Even AA presents the individual as able to choose not to engage in the addictive behavior.

Whether or not Tiger Woods was addicted to his extra-marital playmates, his marriage is likely over. Few of us can over look betrayal and particularly betrayal on this level. Addiction. Not addiction. Actions yield results and those consequences can sometimes be very painful.

Some choices have bigger consequences whether or not you call it addiction.

NO TOUCHING? NO TALK? NO SEX?

These may not be unconnected. Except for the most disconnected individuals, sex is about intimacy. If you've got an established relationship, you can jump into sex directly and intimacy follows, but this isn't typically how it works. Most of us need some level of emotional intimacy before things get physical. Even individuals who jump into sex with newly-met dates will usually talk about relationship assumptions they've jumped to. This isn't true for everyone, but most people need to at least like their sex partners and need to feel cared for by them.

So what if you're in a relationship and things have been strained awhile. It doesn't occur to you to touch one another--maybe a standard peck on the cheek upon leaving. Maybe not even that. If the two of you aren't exchanging some form of intimacy, there's trouble in paradise.

Intimacy comes in many formats. Some people really need to be held. Some need a good date night. Some need enthusiastic sex. Most of us want some version of all three, but we usually have certain behaviors that indicate connection to us.

If your relationship doesn't have much talking/touching/sex, you may be dealing with a widening gulf. This needs to get your attention, but don't let yourself get too freaked out. Disconnection in a relationship doesn't have to mean that the end is near. You need to get to work figuring out the problems, but struggling to feel close to a partner doesn necessarily mean that the relationship is over.

So, how do you fix disconnection in a relationship? It may seem counter-intuitive, but you have to deal with the conflicts and issues that sit between the two of you. Resolution isn't as easy as just not talking about it. That usually means the problems have just gone underground. It's important to note that conflict that sits in the dark, usually gains strength. You need to deal with it, the trouble spots or they'll split the foundation of the relationship.

When issues are left unaddressed, they rot the relationship, leading to the disconnection and hurt feelings that leave you wide open to infidelity and breaches that don't heal easily.

I'm not saying that resolution of relationship conflicts is easy. You've probably argued about these many times. You may have done the "agree to disagree" thing, hoping to stop fighting with the one you love. But this doesn't settle matters.

The only way to address disconnection in a relationship is to learn to listen to your mate's perspective--even when you disagree, even when her comments make your blood boil, even when she's so, so wrong. Listen. Don't try to straighten her out. Don't defend yourself. Pretend you're a court reporter and you have to get a complete transcript of what she's saying--hear her. Then, repeat back to her what you hear. If she disagrees, saying you didn't get what she meant, ask her to clarify.

When you can tell her what she's said to you, take a deep breath and tell her how you see things.

It's much more likely that you'll be understood if you don't swear at her or name-call. These can trigger defenses and make it very difficult to move forward. When you've finished talking about your point of view--don't lecture or repeat this too much, just say it--you get to ask her what she heard you saying.

This may all seem very simple and even ridiculous, but it's hard to do when you have matters unsettled between the two of you.

When the two of you aren't touching, aren't talking and aren't having sex, there's trouble between you. Take a good, hard look at it and you just may have a chance to fix the problem.

REJECTION SUCKS...BUT ITS SURVIVABLE

First a response to someone who solicited it:

S. writes "I'm a 30 year-old Muslim, married a month ago. I saw my wife only one time and, at that time, I was satisfied with her, but then I got her photo and I wasn't fully satisfied when I saw it. I informed my parents I was forced into marriage by them. My problem is that after the marriage, I am not satisfied with her appearance.... I am thinking about divorce. Please help me."--Unhappy in Arranged Marriage

How you handle this has to do with what you want out of the marriage. Your cultural background has viewed marriage as a contract within which you raise children and deal together with whatever comes in life. On the other hand, the romantic view of marriage sees the commitment as a source of physical and emotional connection. You may be torn between these two. Whichever angle you come from, it's good to find your mate sexually attractive.

Your dislike of your wife may have to do with feeling forced into the union. Feeling forced isn't typically a great aphrodesiac. It doesn't usually make you want to get your groove on, even if the wife chosen is a hottie.

Maybe your struggle with this has to do with your relationship with your parents and a dislike of them always telling you what to do. This kind of conflict again can stem from clashing cultures. Some cultures have long believed that parents are the best judges of the mates for their children. Other cultures, however, really stress the need for individual choice (Don't think the parents in these cultures always agree with their children's choice of mate, though!)

You may also not want to disappoint your parents. In the culture you come from parents tend to be seen as individuals who are deserving respect and who know best because they have lived longer than you. Whatever angle of the conflict you come from it is important to sort out your experience before you take major action.

I don't think a decision as major as divorce should be made quickly. You're probably still getting to know your mate and you're certainly still adjusting to the married state. Take a little while and ponder this before deciding what you do. Remember, many happy marriages involve less than physically beautiful people and still include really hot sex. Very physically attractive people aren't always the nicest people, either. Looks aren't everything.

If you do divorce her, your wife may want to read the following...

* * *

Rejection is tough and can't be totally avoided in life. You can try, but chances are that you're going to bump into people who don't like you. Or you might have a lover who decides he doesn't love you, after all.

This never feels good and usually hurts a ton. Even if you're mad at the rejector, you still don't like people treating you as if you don't matter. It's important, though, that you take a hard, somewhat objective look at the situation.

It may not be about you, at all.

Whether you've asked a great guy out on a date and he says no or you've applied for a job and didn't get it, you need to see that there's more to these situations than your worth. Usually lots more. The great guy might have gotten back with his ex, may have decided to enter the priesthood or may just not feel all that into you. Even the last doesn't mean you're not really attractive to a bunch of other people. Dating connections have to do with many, many factors, as do job hiring and firing.

It may not be about you.

Of course, it may actually be partially about some aspect of you, which is the learning part of rejection(still sucking, of course). The learning part is what you can take out of the situation. Striving to be objective is imperative here. If your breath is bad (this could be part of the reason why the great guy decided to go elsewhere), you need to know. If you didn't get the job, there may be an area of training that you need to fill a gap in your knowledge--you need to know this, too.

Rejection feels really bad, but it can have a upside. You'll hopefully not seek it out, but you can usually learn from it.

GIVING HIM UP...

Responding first to readers have asked for help:

"I am a 22 year old single mother and I have a two year old son. I was not ready for my son when I became pregnant. I love my son a lot, but lately I have not been able to deal with all the whining that he's been doing. He whines about every little thing and, due to the other stresses that I have no job, no money, I just can't take it anymore. I'm to the point that I want to give him up for adoption. I have no more patience left. How do I deal with all of this." B.T.

First of all, don't be too hard on yourself. Young children are very demanding--a sentiment you don't find on Mother's Day cards. There are programs that attempt to help young parents deal with the stresses, but that doesn't seem to be what you wrote about.

Adoption is a very loving option. Never doubt this. There's a lot of publicity about teens who keep their newborns and this is an option, but it's not for everyone. Raising a child demands a lot. It can limit your educational and financial possibilities and make you feel crazy. Even more mature parents feel like doing harm to kids--hopefully they don't, but they feel like it.

Whether or not you terminate a pregnancy, give your child up for adoption or keep it and try to move forward is a very, very personal choice. Don't let other voices try to steer you in a certain direction. This is something you get to--and have to--decide. Kids deserve loving care. If you're still a kid yourself, it's hard to give this to an infant.

* * *

"A concerned friend of my teen daughter forwarded to me a text message she received from my daughter today. In the text message, my daughter indicates she can't take any more and today will be the last day she sees her. The source of the problem...rumors and some "just plain mean" girls at the school. This is not the first time this has happened.... My daughter has...unrealistic (maybe) expectations of others. For her, it's 100% loyalty no matter what. I have been very worried about her for a while, but not to the extent of forging a suicide watch. She can be...dramatic at times, but never made a statement like that before.... Is she serious? Is she just being dramatic and seeking attention? In the past, I have tried to fix things for her, but usually I just make it worse. How do you know how hard to push someone who could be fragile to the point of suicide? I just don't know how to help my daughter and I don't want to lose her." K.C.

First off, never take this lightly.

Teen suicide is a particularly tragic choice. The challenges facing these kids often seem small when viewed from a larger perspective. My recommendation is to get the kid to a therapist immediately. If she'll talk with the counselor, she'll find new ways to deal with the mean kids and a bigger picture of her future.

If you don't have insurance that provides mental health benefits, look for therapists who offer a sliding scale. Many professionals set aside some part of their practice to people with limited incomes. People in the counseling professions are generally very caring.

Look for help. You don't have to handle this scary moment by yourself.

* * *

Just a word about conflict in relationships. Don't think this has to be ugly. You need to work through the issues, but that doesn't have to involve hitting or screaming at one another. There will be anger--that's a given. You get angry when you don't feel listened to and he gets mad when he thinks you're not listening to him.

Conflict resolution involves you struggling to see his point of view. This can be very difficult and you'll want to argue because he's got it so wrong. Don't. Don't rush in to challenge his perspective or restate yours. Just listen--even when he's got it all wrong. Then repeat what he's saying back to him to make sure you heard him. After this, after you've heard his side of things, you get to talk about how you see it.

You have to listen though. Don't allow yourself to be rehearsing your rebuttal while he's talking.

SETTLING: Better Than Nothing?

Before I get to the subject of this column, I want to respond to several emails from readers that who actually asked for advice:

"They Won't Let Me Drive" writes that he's a 22 year old and his parents, with whom he still lives, insist he take "their test" before they allow him to get his driver's license. "...I'm going to school and working...purchased my own car two years ago...have insurance on the car...," but his parents still insist he pass their driving test. He's started this several times, but when they think he's made a mistake he must start all over. They Won't Let Me Drive asks that I talk with or email his parents and "put some sense" in their heads.

Since you wrote me--not your parents--my response is directed to you. Why are you--an adult--allowing them to decide when you get your drivers license? You've bought a car, insured it and are able to pay for the gas. Get your license and use the car, for heaven's sake. Trust me, the Driver's License Bureau doesn't require 22 year olds to have a permission note from their parents.

You might still rely on their financial support and, if so, this is probably a complex way for them to maintain a hold on you. You need to consider living on your own dime.

* * *

To "I Don't Get Love in Return" who's been in an abusive relationship and who's current husband cheated on her, I'd recommend taking a serious look at how you pick your mate. She says, "...I feel I give a lot of myself and I'm a giving and loving person. I'm always there for everyone I love and care about, but..." that's not what she gets in return.

Sadly, relationships don't come with guarantees. I wish they did, but I think you might benefit from looking at how you pick the guys you're with. It pays to use your head in choosing a partner, not just your heart(or your lust). When making relationship choices, look at what the person does, not just what he says. Actions speak way louder than words. Some guys are great at whispering sweet words, but not so good at acting in a loving manner.

* * *

Now, let's talk about Settling. It may seem better than being alone or better than a string of high-passion, big-disappointment relationships, but you need to look carefully when making relationship decisions. In the search for love-true-love, you're wise to give up fantasy. No one is perfect. Not you. Not me. The best anyone can do is to try hard to work on themselves and to learn.

That being true, you need to recognize that relationships aren't safety vaults, either. You can't find a person with whom your guaranteed a no-risk life. Love means putting your heart on the line. If you deliberately get into a relationship with someone who you only feel okay about, you're guaranteed not safety, but stagnation. You'll probably end up going your separate ways, too, because you won't meet his needs, either.

It's always wise to pick a mate with demonstrated values close to your own, but who has a very different personality than you. Think about this like finding a mate who's on the other end of the teeter totter. Find someone you really, really enjoy and who challenges you, as well as, compliments you. You're looking for balance, not a lack of conflict.

Conflict feels bad, but when worked through successfully, it empowers you. You feel strong and it knits relationships together.

"I LOVE YOU ENOUGH TO..."

Few things make hearts grow bigger and emotions rise than looking down at the face of a newborn who depends on you. Parenting is a major life choice and it leads individuals into enriching and challenging moments...some that are both at the same time.

But it's important to realize what love is and what it's not.

Most know what love feels like, but that feeling has to be connected to loving behavior to be love. You probably been told that others love you when it seems clear that love isn't involved. No where is this more obvious than in the parenting experience and that's understandable because loving actions with a growing child are different each day.

Kids start out small and totally helpless. They need someone to provide sustenence and shelter them from harsh winds. They need a lot and they yell loudly when this need is felt. As a parent, you want to provide even when you're tearing your hair out. At some point, though, you have to specifically decide what not to provide.

This is when it gets confusing.

I love you enough to...not clean up your messes." This means all the messes--from literal ones to friendship issues to financial challenges when your child is an adult. You cleaned up after him when he was two and he spilled his milk, but you expected his fourteen year old self to clean up his own soda spills, right? When he was six and some kid bullied him at school, you marched up there and talked to the principal, but when he's twenty-six and he's having trouble in his work colleagues, its really his ball game.

The same goes for over-extending his credit when he's thirty-six and in major credit card debt. It gets blurrier at this point, though. You still want to help, but there are many factors to consider before deciding what actually is help and what's not. If you can do so without endangering your own retirement funds, you may offer to help. Just remember--help doesn't always bring gratitude...or change in the behavior that got your child into trouble in the first place. Sometimes, the helpee resents needing the helper--which feels wrong when you're the helper, but it is what it is.

Your children can resent needing, being helpless or strapped. This isn't what you were going for when you agreed to help.

"I love you enough...to let you learn the hard lessons." No one, even kids, like to have their faces rubbed in their screw-ups. If your adult children suffer relationship failure, it isn't loving or helpful to point out that you never liked the ex. You may be privately glad she's out of a bad situation, but you don't get to gloat. You may not feel like you're celebrating their struggles, but it can seem like this if you aren't very, very careful what you say. Your kids won't thank you for saying "I told you so" anymore than you liked it when your mother said it to you.

You may have the urge to point out the lesson to be learned, in hopes that your kid doesn't come back here, but you need to resist unless specifically asked--and even then, think before answering.

"I love you enough to...let you fail." This is perhaps the hardest part about parenting. Failure teaches lessons that are never forgotten. Let your kids have these profound moments, even though it hurts you to watch them hurt. We all fail. We try something that doesn't work. We get into relationships that should work, but don't.

Let your children get the lessons that come with life challenges. When they screw up, they need to clean up to realize that they can. You aren't always going to be there to fix the problems. Your kids need to know that they're alright without you. They need to fail in order to learn that they can succeed. It's hard to watch, but this is love.

If your children don't fail, they don't learn.

"SHOULD I LEAVE HIM?" TOUGH DECISION

To an outsider, relationship decisions may seem very clear, but both financial and emotional considerations can make these less obvious.

What if you're with a cheater? Most individuals stay in a relationship through one infidelity--"he was drunk", "we'd had a fight", "we were going through a rough patch". You probably have many things to sort through. But what if there is more than one infidelity? One reader is struggling with this issue and writes, "We've been together for 2 years. We met immediately after my divorce [and] things progressed pretty quickly between us...after 10 months, I moved 1/2 way across the country to be with him; he deployed less than 1 month after I got there. I then waited for him during his deployment.... When he returned home..., I found out that he had cheated on me before I ever even moved away with him. This crushed me, but I also felt that since it [happened over a year ago], things had changed. I decided that because I love him so much & he says he loves me, that he is sorry, won't do it again & that he doesn't want me to leave, that I would try to get past this."

The reader goes on to say that there was cheating after this--always followed with a moving apology. "There are other factors that I feel are having an affect on his behavior...he was diagnosed with depression...[and] had a very traumatic "experience" when he was young...and he just found out that he has a son from a previous 'relationship'. Maybe I am trying to make excuses to myself for him, but I love him.... I don't want to leave. He says he loves me & I believe he does love me.... My question is should I leave this individual?"

This kind of situation is what motivated me to write Should I Leave Him? This reader would be wise to read Chapter Five "Determine The Real Reason You're In This Relationship". Understanding what's keeping her there may help her decide what to do.

To anyone outside the relationship, it seems clear that this guy is going to continue to cheat. If she wants to stay in this with him, she should know he's going to be with others outside their relationship.

Another reader is with a man who she says isn't emotionally supportive. She's the one considering having sex outside the relationship. After 21 years of marriage, she's trying to decide if she should leave, saying the last half of the marriage he has seemed cold to her. "He makes no initiative.... We agreed to have a child...but are having complication[s] conceiving. I have been the one having to make the steps to...do everything, from doctors appointment[s] to testing...he never even went to the appointment [for him]." The relationship is emotionally estranged and they have little communication. "I know that we need counseling...we don't hold hands...cuddle...have sex beyond the bed...It's sickening..."

This reader feels so estranged in the relationship that she's been "chatting on-line....There's one particular gentleman that strikes my attention.... He is not in the states, God, if he were I would be there where he is.... That keeps me from going outside my marriage to have sex....[My husband and I] do not talk to each other for hours...My question is should I leave this individual? In [considering] whether to leave, I have no income of my own...it is all tied up in our accounts together. So, what should I do?"

The decision of whether or not to leave a relationship is intensely personal and has to be considered in light of your individual situation. Ask yourself--"Is this relationship bringing me more than it's costing me?"

It may seem like money issues shouldn't play any role in the decision to stay in a relationship or leave, but this is unrealistic. Money effects many aspects of life and has to be considered. But is it a reason to stay? And if you're staying for the cash, can you expect the relationship to have any emotional reward?

This reader needs to find herself another source of income. If money is the only thing holding her here, she's accepting a very limited relationship and she's clearly unhappy with this. How long before she finds a guy on-line who lives much closer to her and finds herself seeking connection and sex outside her marriage?

The answer may not be so clear from the inside as it seems to those looking in.