CHOSEN LAST

The majority of folk remember being chosen last when playing games at school. This can't actually have been the case because just looking at it statistically, most had to have been picked somewhere in the middle. But lots of people identify with that chosen last feeling. The memory of this childhood trauma is an indication of the challenging aspect of struggling to feel you're okay. Acceptable.

This is a big deal for most people and shouldn't be dismissed.

You may, however, be judging yourself by inappropriate measures. If you only look at those who make better grades, get more promotions or earn more money, you're missing a significant part of the picture. You may come from a family with siblings who have higher degrees and make more money.

That doesn't mean they're better than you.

The feeling of not being good enough, not being recognized as special, not being smart is an experience that most people have. It's not necessarily an accurate reflection of your personality, but its a self-perception that many people share.

Lots of individuals--highly successful by society's standard--can talk about this. They've never felt they were as good as others. Students in medical school measure themselves against other students who never seem to have to study, while others feel all they do is study. But they're forgetting that even being accepted into medical school requires a lot. Not everyone makes it. They're comparing themselves against only those who do better, not against the ones who tried, but weren't accepted into these programs.

People who are high-achievers at work, but feel they must constantly be working harder and harder...they can feel not good enough.

Maybe we've got a screwy perception of what self-esteem means. It's not about easy. The tougher aspects of life are hard for most people. We have a misconception that life ought to be easier, but the big hurdles aren't easy. Some people make it look easier...few breeze through a couple of difficult situations, but don't think that easy is easy.

When things come too easy, individuals don't learn how to persevere. This is not a fun tool to acquire, but it's significant and it'll help you more in your life than if you'd won the lottery or breezed into the best salesman spot at work.

Self-esteem isn't about not trying. It's about plugging ahead. Doing what we need to do, even when it's hard. We forget that most things worth achieving don't come without some sweat and tears.

There are individuals--and they seem to get great press--who appear to breeze through life. They bound to the top of mountains that the rest of us crawl up. They face what we see as hurdles as if these are nothing.

We hate them.

But when you're assessing yourself, don't give so much emphasis to the effort required to reach your goals that you forget having actually reached the goal. You got there. That's what counts. In very few life situations does your GPA count. When was the last time you asked your physician if she made A's, B's or C's? She's still a physician no matter which grade she got and she can still help you through some tough times.

The challenges to reaching your goals in your life can build character--that means you get stronger. Or you decide you didn't really want the goal that much. Either way you get good things from the process.

We all have challenges in life. Even if you can't see it, even the golden achiever--the person you hate and wish you were--we all struggle because that's the nature of this life.

Don't judge yourself too harshly. Don't think feeling like a loser means you are one. Just keep plugging away at what is worthwhile to you.

NECESSARY POWER

Some parents feel harassed and hounded by their kids. They feel like the children in their lives have all the power. Ever tried to make a kid eat when he didn't want to? Or make one sleep when he doesn't want to? These are very frustrating situations and can make the most sane parents feel like doing something really stupid.

But it's important to realize that children, by the very nature of things, have less power. They need you to provide them with food, to give them a safe place to live and to protect them against life's harsh moments. You may do all this out of the love of your heart, but don't think the kid doesn't know who has most of the power. The big person. The ones the child needs.

Needing someone else always makes us feel weak. Even if that need is all wrapped snug in a loving relationship, need involves vulnerability and vulnerability can make us feel weak. You are bigger and stronger and you have more options. Your children know this and while they cling to you and love you, they also have frustrating moments of powerlessness.

Power can sometimes have a negative slant. It's a term often used in a derogatory way and it can be an accusation, but everyone needs power.

Romantic relationships that have great power differentials--one partner makes a lot more money than the other, one's a lot older, one's a lot prettier--have even bigger conflicts than most. Individuals who have less power, feel limited and scared.

This is how children feel and it's why they resort to dirty tricks to get what they want or to level the playing field some. Parents are often distressed and frustrated that their children lie to them, but kids have their reasons. They lie about stuff that'll get them in trouble with the ones who have the most power. Kids aren't stupid. They know how this works.

Of course, lying leads logically to mistrust. It's not a good method of dealing with power differentials.

It's part of the job of parenting to help children feel and find healthy power. But it's no good to tell you kids that honesty is always the best policy unless you reward honesty--at least somewhat. Make the punishment a little less harsh if the child confesses. Look for ways your child makes a difference in their own lives and point this out. If the kid studies hard before a test and then does well, that's the kid's power. As parents, we sometimes take credit for way too much. Our chests swell with pride when our child does well. Of course you have a lot to do with your child's successes...but remember that ultimately the kid makes good things happen for himself. You want him to feel that he's earned his successes.

You may feel maddened with the frustrating parts of parenting--and there are a ton--but don't succumb to the impulse to throw your weight around. Remember, that child of yours is growing up. You want her to connect to her own power. You want her to make good choices even when you're not around. The best sign of really good parenting is a child who's prepared to respond to life when you're not there anymore.

IMPLICIT LESSONS -- DON'T NAG

Don't nag. Most lessons in life come from us getting the natural consequences of our choices. Even though pointing out the bad choice or ugly behavior is very, very tempting, it doesn't help. As parents, we have a tendency to talk and talk to our kids, making sure they understand the errors of their ways. We say, "See? This was bad for you. See?" Whether they've fallen off their skateboard after a wild manuever or just gotten dumped by the boyfriend who we knew from the start was a jerk--we just can't resist saying that we told them so. This was a bad situation and they should have listened to us.

We even do this to spouses. Who hasn't had given into the urge to point out to a husband or wife that we were right? Being right gives a darned good feeling to the person who's right, but leaves a bad taste in the other person's mouth. We certainly know what it feels like to be wrong, so we revel in saying See? See? I told you so!

Choices bring consequences, either good or bad. Pleasant or unpleasant. Going to work may suck, but you get a paycheck (even if it's not big enough). Consequences. The outcome of what you did or didn't do. These help us decide whether or not to make that choice again.

But when we do a victory dance over someone else's ugly consequences, we're actually becoming a distraction to their lesson. We take away some of the consequences power because we pull the other person's attention away from the results of what they've chosen onto ourselves. They hate us being right!

Children are much more likely to remember their parents getting mad than they are to remember why their parents got upset with them. They remember your angry lecture, but forget the stupid, risky choice they made that earned them the lecture.

They remember you--and not in a good way--and forget that their actions didn't really work for them. Let the lesson speak for itself. You might want to underscore what needs to be learned, just in case they weren't paying attention. You probably also want to make sure they don't go down this painful path again.

Sometimes you nag because you care. It just doesn't work. Doesn't help children learn; doesn't help them know you care.

When they make bad choices and get the natural results of these, just tell them you love them. Give them a kind, but sad smile because they're suffering and you love them.

Do the hard thing. Acknowledge their experience, but don't nag. It's hard, but you're a parent and you do hard things all the time.

FRIENDLY FIRE--WHEN YOUR MATE CHEATS

A reader in the military writes:

"I am currently deployed to Afghanistan and my husband is deployed to Iraq. I received an email yesterday from him stating that he has a six month old son. We have only been married for 12 months. He said it happened before we got married, but we have a 10 month old daughter together. I'm really confused and I need some help.... This is very depressing. I haven't been able to sleep at all. I know that I really love my husband and I want to fight for our marriage, but where do I begin? What should I do?"

He's the one who needs to do something. You guys had been married six months when his other child was born? And he didn't mention this to you at the time? Of course, he might not have known about the birth until recently, but even so, something isn't right here.

With the timing you mention, your husband had to be having sex with another woman during the time he was having sex with you. There are lots of issues involved in this situation. Were the two of you in a supposedly-monogomous relationship at the time? If so, he betrayed that commitment when he got it on with the other woman. You're in a rough situation already--in the military in a war zone--and now you are struggling with this betrayal.

The decision to work on a relationship or to leave is faced by a lot of women and this is why I wrote my recently released book "Should I Leave Him?" In the book, I help take the reader through a step-by-step decision process.

Let me say right up front that his infidelity is not your fault. This may seem obvious to some, but the cheated-on mate frequently wonders if she or he didn't do something, or didn't do it right or good enough--and therefore pushed the other mate into stepping out on her. No. Not your fault. No matter what you did or didn't do. Your husband made the decision to get involved in a sexual relationship with someone other than you. His choice.

Acknowledge your anger with him. It's very, very reasonable, even if you don't feel particularly reasonable right now.

You want to fight for the marriage and are wondering what to do, but the first question has to be directed to your husband: Does he want this marriage? The relationship can only be repaired if both individuals are willing to work on it and then he has to be honest with you about his involvment with the other woman. He can't just say "It happened before we were married." Sex doesn't just happen. Pants were unzipped.

If he wants the relationship and is willing to acknowledge his own bad behavior, then you can begin to repair your trust. This is really difficult to do even when you're in the same house and you two aren't in the same country. It's very understandable that you'd have fears that he's being unfaithful now.

It's a general reality that infidelity doesn't happen in a marriage when everything is great. (Still not blaming you for his actions.) The problems that existed between you two before the marriage have to be resolved before you can move forward with any hope that cheating won't happen again.

* * *

Confidential to S.B.--Yes, you can benefit from Couples Counseling. Actually from the sounds of things, you really, really need it.

MOM BETRAYAL? OR BAD DECISIONS ALL AROUND

One reader writes that she's having trouble because she found out that her mom slept with her guy:

"I'm a 21 year old female. I haven't had a very good relationship with my mother over the last year and I'm having a very hard time with that because we've been close all my life. The event that caused this situation is me finding out that my mother had sex with my child's father before I got pregnant. I was never informed of this (although I have reasons to believe it's true). He and I are not together since the birth of our child. I found out about this last year and I'm having a very hard time dealing with it. Is this an issue I could get help with? I don't know what to do."

I've got a lot of questions for this reader. Did you know before you got involved with this baby daddy that he'd dated your mother? Did your mother know that you later dated him, too? Were you both duped by a fickle guy? Or did your mom have sex with your high school sweetheart?

Given the fact that you've been estranged from mom--who you were previously close too--I'm gonna guess that you feel betrayed by her. This assumes that you've decided that the ex-boyfriend is a cheating 'ho and his betrayal of you is more understandable/acceptable than hers.

Let's just accept that you're more effected by mom's betrayal than by the former boyfriend's because it's clear that both of them were in on this. Neither one told you that they'd had sex previously and so both are guilty of deceit. But you clearly thought better of your mom. I'm curious if you've talked to her about all this. If she had sex with a guy she knew you were involved with or trying to get involved with, she betrayed you. No question.

I can only guess why and maybe that's not your biggest concern. You mention that you can't get over it and indicate that you want to. I'm sorry, but just shrugging your shoulders and telling yourself whatever isn't going to do it. You trusted your mom and she turned on you. It's not only unreasonable to not care about this, it's unwise. If you have someone in your life that stabs you in the back by getting with your boyfriend, you need to know this. Even if it's mom, who you've love since infancy.

Betrayal by a loved one is very hurtful, but it isn't smart to just dismiss this. Forgiveness is a great concept to enable you to move on. Just don't think you should adopt this method to wipe the slate clean between you and someone of former significance.

Forgiveness needs to be asked for before it can heal a relationship. It also has to be accompanied by appropriate groveling.

The other guy has to be really, really sorry and to see why she did what she did. You also need some certainty (usually gained over time) that the betraying infraction won't happen again. Otherwise, forgiveness becomes a shrug. Whatever.

Mess with me. Lie to me. Screw me over. It doesn't matter. I'm not going to hold it against you.

Isn't behavior supposed to have consequences? How else do we learn what works and doesn't work? So, even though you sound like you want to regain the closeness you have previously with mom, I'm not sure that's in your best interest. All that being said, it doesn't do you any good to brood over this. Accept it as it is and your mom for who she is. I'm not recommending forgetting, but dwelling on it doesn't help you.

As for the baby daddy, he sounds like a dog and you'd be smart not to trust him farther than you can throw him. You've got a child now: Let's assume it's a girl. Would you want her treated like this? If your baby is a son, would you want him to do this to a girl he dates?

Life without a biological mom can be sad and painful, but this mom is bringing a whole new level of pain. You can do better without her.

IS SEX AN ADDICTION?

Don't feel alone--lots of folks are dealing with this problem. Whether this involves mainly an addiction to pornography or you've progressed to the point of meeting strangers for quick hook-ups, sex addiction can take a huge toll. It interferes with real personal relationships and can take over your life.

Recent research indicates some new and troubling consequences to some of this behavior. And this is ironic in a really bad way. Those individuals who use pornography can get caught up in the "no risk" aspects of viewing stimulating material and...as a result experience a diminished sexual capacity. This is actually a result of the no risk/no effort part of pornography. You get a sexual stimulation that has nothing to do with the risks involved in an actual relationship.

It turns out that reward and fulfillment are actually linked to risk and effort.

Let's be honest: relationships are challenging and loving another person puts us in a vulnerable place. We are very emotionally affected by what happens to--and what choices are made by--the one we love. Connection brings vulnerability.

Of course, it brings a lot of other good things, too.

With the sense of vulnerability and little relationship success can come a desire to avoid actual interaction with another human being. Your own version of the blow-up doll. People can just decide to go with the porn in an attempt to avoid troublesome interactions with others.

This avoidance can have some bizarre and unexpected consequences, however. Individuals choosing porn over persons can actually experience a diminished sexual capacity. Further research will have to be done on this phenomena, but think of the risks if it's true....

Can sex addiction lead to a loss of sexual function?

Of course, some folks question using the term "addiction" with sexual behavior. Alcohol has a physical addictive pattern. People can even be genetically predisposed to this kind of addiction. Unhealthy sexual behavior, though, can range from individuals engaging in irresponsible acts to people who's lives are taken over by an abnormal focus on sex. There's a range. Like many unhealthy behaviors, most people don't engage in this to the level of an addiction. Some do.

It's all about responsibility and self-control. With the term "addiction" is an assumption of the individual having no control over engaging in this particular act. Of course there are addiction specialists who disagree. Even AA presents the individual as able to choose not to engage in the addictive behavior.

Whether or not Tiger Woods was addicted to his extra-marital playmates, his marriage is likely over. Few of us can over look betrayal and particularly betrayal on this level. Addiction. Not addiction. Actions yield results and those consequences can sometimes be very painful.

Some choices have bigger consequences whether or not you call it addiction.

NO TOUCHING? NO TALK? NO SEX?

These may not be unconnected. Except for the most disconnected individuals, sex is about intimacy. If you've got an established relationship, you can jump into sex directly and intimacy follows, but this isn't typically how it works. Most of us need some level of emotional intimacy before things get physical. Even individuals who jump into sex with newly-met dates will usually talk about relationship assumptions they've jumped to. This isn't true for everyone, but most people need to at least like their sex partners and need to feel cared for by them.

So what if you're in a relationship and things have been strained awhile. It doesn't occur to you to touch one another--maybe a standard peck on the cheek upon leaving. Maybe not even that. If the two of you aren't exchanging some form of intimacy, there's trouble in paradise.

Intimacy comes in many formats. Some people really need to be held. Some need a good date night. Some need enthusiastic sex. Most of us want some version of all three, but we usually have certain behaviors that indicate connection to us.

If your relationship doesn't have much talking/touching/sex, you may be dealing with a widening gulf. This needs to get your attention, but don't let yourself get too freaked out. Disconnection in a relationship doesn't have to mean that the end is near. You need to get to work figuring out the problems, but struggling to feel close to a partner doesn necessarily mean that the relationship is over.

So, how do you fix disconnection in a relationship? It may seem counter-intuitive, but you have to deal with the conflicts and issues that sit between the two of you. Resolution isn't as easy as just not talking about it. That usually means the problems have just gone underground. It's important to note that conflict that sits in the dark, usually gains strength. You need to deal with it, the trouble spots or they'll split the foundation of the relationship.

When issues are left unaddressed, they rot the relationship, leading to the disconnection and hurt feelings that leave you wide open to infidelity and breaches that don't heal easily.

I'm not saying that resolution of relationship conflicts is easy. You've probably argued about these many times. You may have done the "agree to disagree" thing, hoping to stop fighting with the one you love. But this doesn't settle matters.

The only way to address disconnection in a relationship is to learn to listen to your mate's perspective--even when you disagree, even when her comments make your blood boil, even when she's so, so wrong. Listen. Don't try to straighten her out. Don't defend yourself. Pretend you're a court reporter and you have to get a complete transcript of what she's saying--hear her. Then, repeat back to her what you hear. If she disagrees, saying you didn't get what she meant, ask her to clarify.

When you can tell her what she's said to you, take a deep breath and tell her how you see things.

It's much more likely that you'll be understood if you don't swear at her or name-call. These can trigger defenses and make it very difficult to move forward. When you've finished talking about your point of view--don't lecture or repeat this too much, just say it--you get to ask her what she heard you saying.

This may all seem very simple and even ridiculous, but it's hard to do when you have matters unsettled between the two of you.

When the two of you aren't touching, aren't talking and aren't having sex, there's trouble between you. Take a good, hard look at it and you just may have a chance to fix the problem.