BEHAVIOR TRUMPS DNA

Before anyone accuses me of being anti-family, let me say that I think family is very important...but maybe not the most important thing, depending on your family.

Having loving supportive parents and siblings is a wonderful luck of the draw. Some people are fortunate enough to be born into families that encourage and add to their lives. Other individuals--through no fault of their own--are born into families with emotional issues or with chemical dependency problems. Sometimes the people to which you're biologically-connected are a burden or a threat to your personal sanity and safety. Luck of the draw.

This isn't a deserved thing.

We have a tendency, though, to think that our family situation is about us. It's true that you have a part in your relationships. Thank heavens, we get a say-so. Whether you are loving or mean to the people in your family is your choice. Our behavior matters and we aren't just victims of the families into which we're born. But, you have nothing to do with how the members of your family behave. You also can't change them.

The tricky part comes in when your family members exhibit behavior that doesn't seem loving.

Love is sometimes challenging and painful(streeeetttttcccchhhhing you), but never harmful. If you don't find any value in a family relationship--if you wouldn't have anything to do with these people if you weren't related--you really need to examine why you maintain the connection. Sometimes, the people you expect to love you, don't. Not really. They don't take your best interests into account or put your personal development at a high premium.

So, maybe you're not loved by the people who share your DNA.

Shocking suggestion, I know, but one that needs to be mentioned. Biology does not determine connection. Just ask a child who's been neglected or abused by a biological relative. Love is an action, not biology and not just words. I like words and I think verbal communication is very important to relationships, but let's be clear: love is about action. If behavior doesn't reflect love, then you're not loved.

To some individuals, biology seems so vital that they can't imagine not having involvement with family members, even when the interaction is conflicted. However, relationships need to be based on something more than DNA. Not looking at and taking into account the nature of your relationship can limit you and your growth.

Sometimes, in some situations, families are toxic. They negatively impact your emotional and mental health. When this is the case, you need to consider ending the relationship. Before you come to this conclusion look at your actions--the stuff you're doing to contribute to the problems. Change what you need to change--that's your power. Then, if you can't alter the unhealthy interaction, you need to stop it. As harsh as that sounds, if your family is hurting you, stop interacting with them.

WORKING MYSELF OUT OF A JOB

Lisa writes: "I'm 17. All my family does is fight. My family downgrades me every chance they get. They sometimes hit me and always cuss and yell at me. I feel like I have so many secrets and no one to talk to...I know my family wouldn't believe me. I don't know what to do or how to make things right. I want my family to love me and I wanna be happy...I am happy until my dad is around. Then it's just yelling and threatening and sometimes hitting. Please reply and please help me."

I wish I could make it all better, Lisa, but some families are unhappy and abusive. It's just the way it is and this sucks. You don't deserve this, no matter what you've done.

You've asked for my help....the one big piece of advice I have is to get an education. Stay in school. Complete your assignments. Ask your teachers for help. (Yes, they really do want to help.) And then when you've graduated, get out. Out of your biological family.

It sounds toxic.

You can't make your family stop yelling and arguing, but you can make a different life for yourself. It's hard when you want the people who raised you to be different and to love you. Sometimes, they just don't.

* * *

Good therapists are working their way out of their jobs.

In recent years, individuals have embraced the idea that brain chemistry can only be changed by taking antidepressants, anti-anxiety medication, anti-whatever pills. Many are convinced that they have a lifelong issue and will always need to be medicated.

Not necessarily true. Brain chemistry can be changed by the way you think. This isn't just a matter of thinking everything is okay, making it okay, but it means that you're in charge of your own life, even when it doesn't feel this way. It can be very difficult to deal with feelings and personal perceptions, but my job as a therapist is to help you find the tools to enable you to change your experience. I'm working my way out of a job.

I want you to prosper, to create the life you want. I believe that most individuals have the capacity to do this.

Learn to confront your own issues. Learn to believe in yourself.

SON OR HUSBAND?

A reader writes: "I was married and divorced two years later because there was no understanding with my first husband. We mutually agreed to divorce, after which my infant son and I stayed with my mother. Nine years later, the man I worked for proposed marriage. I took some time to decide as he was already married and had two kids. I finally agreed to marry him.

As we work together and I travel on business with him alot, I depended on my husband's first wife to care for my son. Initially, this seemed okay, but after a few months, she began harassing my son. She complains about him to my husband and she kept my child outside. My son stayed with a colleague for a week because my husband's first wife wouldn't let him in the house.

My husband supports his first wife, saying my son is not good, that his culture isn't good and his blook is bad. We argue. My son is only 12. Once when my husband was drunk, he started arguing in front of everybody. He said my priority was my son, not my husband. He started beating him. I was afraid and, early that morning, took my son to my mother's place before coming back. My mother is now caring for him. Because of the pressure in my house, I keep my son at my mother's. If I don't, I know my husband's first wife won't feed him or care for him. How can I keep him with her?

My husband--also my boss--loves me. Although I have learned a lot after marrying him, I have not completed my formal education. My husband has taught me many things at work. He encourages me, but his expectations are high. He takes care of me, but not my son. Sometimes, he drinks and degrades me, saying he is not my priority. My son is. I am scared my husband will throw me out of the house or my job. And yet, he won't accept me staying somewhere else, but says we have to stay together. If I have to leave, I leave both husband and job. Sometimes, I feel suicidal. What shall I do?"

In different cultures, marital expectations vary, sometimes involving multiple wives. While the guy mentioned above happens to have two wives at the same time, the issue isn't so different than a step-parent situation. The problem here--found in many cultures--is that of mate or child?

There's also the reality that leaving your husband means leaving your job. Maybe that's scaring you the most. You've taken your son out of the home, so I know you're concerned for him. The question is whether or not you want to raise your son. Right now, your mom is caring for him.

Your son is only twelve. In most parts of the world, he's not considered even close to being an adult. He still needs a parent. I assume--since you didn't mention him after the first sentence--that your son's father isn't involved. That just leaves you. You've already had the determination to leave one husband and take your child. Are you afraid that you can't do this again? Afraid you won't get another job?

I can't think of another reason to stay....unless you're in the favorite wife role and leaving would mean giving that up. You say your husband loves you, but his actions don't seem loving. He might cling to you. Maybe your husband tells you he needs you, but your son is part of you--you had to sneak him out of the house to protect him. Your husband actually beat your son. It doesn't matter that he was drinking. This isn't love.

Don't confuse being needed with being loved. Not the same thing. You're under a lot of pressure and you say you're feeling suicidal. Why stay? I can understand fear--not being sure you can get a job. Fearing that you won't be acceptable because you didn't get your degree. [Note to other readers: GET YOUR DEGREE!]

You made it before as a divorced woman and divorce is way better than suicide. Give yourself and your son another chance at life without the man you now call "husband."

DID SHE CHEAT?

A male reader writes, "I need advice on what to do. My wife has been abused, raped and mistreated [before].... Last Thursday, my wife went our mutual friend's...to watch his kid for him.... When he got home, he tricked her to drink alcohol.... He then commenced to do things (take her clothes off, touch her, etc.). The whole time, she was saying no, but was too drunk to do anything about it. When I got there...I asked where she was.... I went to the bedroom [and] she was getting dressed. So, she cheated on me. I feel betrayed. I hit her and choked her and I don't remember any of it. All I remember is walking up to her, yelling at her. Then I grabbed her by the neck and pushed her against the wall. I let her go when I realized what I was doing.... Before I went to rehab, it was normal for me to black out when angered and to do very bad things. I feel horrible for hurting her like that, but I hate her for cheating on me. She had promised me in the past that she would never drink when I'm not around.... [Later] I found out that she'd been raped. I have been cheated on before. To me, it is the worst thing your partner can do to you. She has known that's how I feel about it since before we started going out. Yesterday, I was able to sit and listen to...her side of what happened... She told me that she was tricked into drinking,... In any case, I still feel like she cheated on me. I'm lost. Now that I know she was raped, I just don't know what to do. I need advice on what to do, not just for me. I can handle that, but for her."

Dear Reader: For a man who claims to black-out when angry, you remember a lot of what you did to her.

If you believe her story, she didn't cheat. She was raped. Rape is not the victim's choice. Not their fault. Certainly, they were not assaulted because of what they wore or said or, in this case, drank. Rape is a violent act and being raped isn't any kind of betrayal to you. It's a very, very bad thing that happened to her.

I'm not sure I understand. If you believe her side of things, why would you still feel like she cheated? Cheating is a choice. Rape victims don't choose. You can't even be upset that she drank without you, since she said she did this unknowingly.

On the other hand, you might doubt her story and think she wasn't raped, but willingly chose to have sex with your friend. Your reaction fits this. If you question her claim of rape, then you need to seriously look at what this relationship is doing for you and decide to fix it or leave.

I don't recommend that you lay hands on her again. No matter what she might have done, she doesn't deserve this and if you get physical with her, it'll only get you into more trouble.

Relationships can be resolved and get healthy after infidelity, but only if both partners are committed to looking at and changing themselves and moving beyond the problems--which were there even before the cheating.

If she was raped, the woman needs to report it to the police (even if they don't do anything about it) and get counseling. You probably have local services just for this. Talking with someone about the trauma really can help.

LOVE OR DESPERATION?

Being beautiful, skinny or rich doesn't guarantee relationship happiness. Hollywood hook-ups and break-ups show us this over and over. What we think will make us happily mated, doesn't always do so.

I saw a foster child in play therapy yesterday. On Fridays, my husband and I enjoy going together to do in-home therapy with foster kids. We both do this individually on other days, but on Fridays we make it a point to go together. (Foster kids are both lucky and unlucky. They are cared for in loving homes that are not their own--but they aren't with their own parents...lucky and unlucky.)

This Friday, I happened to be exiting a child's bedroom after her session when Roger was passing into another child's room. As we were going down the stairs, my client innocently asked me why Roger has no hair on back part of his head.

Roger has male pattern balding and he hates it.

When we met in high school, my husband had a thick, luxuriant head of hair. It was the seventies. Guys wore long hair as a rebellion and a fashion statement. Roger had a mustache and chest hair, even in high school. Hair wasn't a problem for him then and it's something of a sorrow for him that he's losing it now.

But I don't care--I mean I care that he cares, but his bald spot doesn't diminish his attractiveness to me one bit. Not even a little. This is not because I'm tremendously wonderful or saintly. I just happen to feel loved by my husband. I experience being valued by him everyday. This matters a whole lot more than hair.

Relationship happiness is a sometimes elusive goal for most of us. Feeling loved is a great reason to be in a relationship..... Feeling desperate isn't.

Too often when individuals sit in my office, talking about their unhappiness in their marriage or with the person they're dating, they say they would leave--but they don't want to be alone. Although an individual recently posted a message on this blog, accusing me of not believing in marriage, I think relationships are tremendously important. Whether you're married or cohabitating, having a significant other is really significant. I've been married for thirty-two years. Not all of these were blissful, but we learned a heck of a lot.

In a healthy, working relationship, you learn a lot about yourself. This is a big part of the gift of love. Research tells us that being in a relationship adds to your physical health and contributes to you living longer. Together can be really good for you when you're happy, but there is a strong tendency to stay in relationships for another reason....people are afraid to be alone.

Some things about not having a partner do suck. You go to parties alone, you don't have anyone to warm your feet in bed on cold nights. You don't have a sexual default.

But staying in an unresolved, contentious relationship where you no longer enjoy or have respect for your partner isn't good for you. (It isn't good for your kids either, but that's another topic.) It makes a lot of sense to take a good, hard look at how you can resolve the issues in your relationship. You need to learn what you're contributing to the mess. You need to work on changing your behaviors that aren't healthy.

And you may need to leave.

It's just a sad reality that unresolved conflict leads to the death of whatever love was originally in the relationship. It may be over. You may be done.

If this is the case, you need to move on. Staying because you don't want to be alone isn't good enough. Lots of people hate being alone. They don't like not having someone at their side in the mall. They want a bookend. While being alone may not be the ideal state for an adult, it's better than getting into or staying in a relationship just to avoid being alone.

When you're trying to make a in-or-out relationship decision and you find yourself wavering, ask whether this is love or desperation. Being so afraid of living on your own indicates a lack of belief in yourself. And I'm going to say that this is largely inaccurate.... You are way more capable than you give yourself credit for.

When a relationship is a bad fit from the start--different values or too similar a personal outlook--you're better off being alone.

Being in love is good. Being in desperation is bad. Don't let this lead you in the wrong direction.

THE LOVING KISS-OFF

I took a daughter of mine to a distant city yesterday and left her there. She's entering a doc grad program at a university and is now immersed in adjusting to a new city and teaching her first class.

Your kids may be your kids all your life, but good parenting means setting them up on their own to make it without you. You won't be here forever. The kids need to make it on their own.

Her dad and I did maintenance on her car, bought her a new work wardrobe, paid for her to have a decent haircut--all things she needed. Then we loaded her stuff into a U-Haul truck and moved her to her new life. We're thinking she's going to have to sink or swim there.

It's really up to her.

This is the hard part of parenting--amongst many hard parts--the letting go. It's both a relief and an anxiety. She needs us to believe in her and if we do that, we need to act like she can handle life. Really, that's what most kids need, to know they are capable and strong and that we believe in them.

We get to go on with our own lives now and, it may sound callous and cold, but that's a relief.

Still, it's hard.

* * *

J. writes of depression and anxiety and not knowing where to turn:

"I need someone to talk to....I am a single mom of a precious twelve year-old daughter that I love so much, but she is the only reason I keep going...I have been struggling with anxiety and high blood pressure...and worry...I feel worthless and pathetic...I can't seem to make friends....

Dear J.

Get thee to a therapist and do it quickly. You shouldn't have to suffer like this and you need guidance how to make your life better. If you don't have insurance that will pay for mental health treatment, look for a community agency that offers counseling on a sliding scale or a university program that arranges for counseling with a graduate student who's got professorial back-up. You need someone to listen to you, to hear your distress and to remind you that you're not a terrible person.

* * *

G. writes of struggling to let her baby son establish relationships beyond her:

"My mother-in-law watches my year-old son and she's doing a great job...but when she goes out, she doesn't call me. It's starting to tear my marriage apart...Its making me feel unimportant. I want to know everything that goes on with my son...whether it's going to the store or going to the park..."

Dear G.

Get a grip. You say yourself that your mother-in-law is doing a great job in caring for your son. Let her do it. Having a baby can trigger stuff you haven't dealt with and this maybe what's going on with you. Parenting is the constant process of learning to let go(see my remarks above). You want your son to grow into a healthy young man. He needs to establish relationships with lots of people. He needs different resources...he needs more than you. This may be hard to hear, but it's true.

If this freaks you out so powerfully that you're having major conflict within yourself and with your husband. You might resent having had to return to work, fearing a loss of connection with your son. Or you may fear that your mother-in-law is becoming more significant to your son than you. Even unfounded or unlikely anxieties can cause emotional distress. You might need to look at (with help if necessary) what the "mothering" role means to you. It sounds like you started defining yourself by your parenting role alone. This is a dangerous, scary thing to do (although it's tempting). You may never have felt this important to anyone. In the beginning, your child needs you for everything. He needs the haven of your body and even the blood that circulated between you. Everything. When you gave birth, though, it started a process of him growing up and moving into the world.

If you're having a hard time with letting him do this, maybe you need to look at how else you can get what you need.

* * *

M. writes of her relationship challenges with her live-in boyfriend and his/her kids:

"For around the past four months, we have been getting into fights; fights that are little and fights that are big...My fear is that...we could lose each other and I don't want that to happen. My goal is for he and I to be able to trust each other; work together, minimize arguments and find helpful activities to have fun that don't involved negative environments. I don't want to lose him...Can you help us?"

Dear M.

You guys need to learn to argue and I mean that in the best way. Conflicts in relationships are unavoidable. Anyway you go at it, the two of you are going to disagree about stuff, particularly with step-parenting and trying to blend two families. I'm also thinking you need to look at your value systems and see if these are in conflict. Your ominous reference to "negative environments" leads me to think you two don't see eye-to-eye on some basic issues.

Yelling and arguing with a loved one feels really bad and most people go to great lengths to avoid this, if they can. But you still need to learn to communicate and that's sometimes a difficult process. We don't always sit down and talk in a calm voice, although no one should be looking around for missiles to throw, either. You need to hear what he's saying and to have him hear your concerns. I cannot stress this enough. If you can't learn to do this, you won't make it.

* * *

Relationships are complicated and difficult...and we need them to make our lives worth living.

DON'T OVER-TALK YOUR KIDS

In parenting, it's sometimes the things you don't say that make the most impact.

You love your kids just as I love mine, and you want to shelter them from the foreseeable storms, the things you know will cause them grief. This can be anything from steering them clear of transgressions of the law to hiding their paternity. But be careful that you don't step into trying to smooth their paths in ways that ends up creating problems.

Every life has some troubles. It's a fact that I hate, but this is reality. It's also sucky that we seem to need to stumble and feel the consequences of our choices before we really learn. That being so, why are you trying so hard to keep your kids from experiencing consequences?

It's true that some consequences are life-altering or life-ending. When kids are small, you try hard to keep them from playing in the middle of the street. You know what can happen if a car comes along, but knowing the outcome isn't an excuse for preventing your child from dating or marrying the wrong guy. Some things she has to learn herself. Of course, if she's fourteen, you still have a responsibility to step in if you think she's getting beaten up by the guy she's dating or if you think she's sexually active--the really scary stuff.

But you don't get to nag her all the time about the guy based on your conviction that he's a loser or your fear that he'll lead her into bad company. Really bad things have to be blocked, of course, and you can do this if the kid is under-age. Not if she's an adult, though. She gets to pick loser boyfriends and flunk out of college classes she'll later need to get a degree and a good job.

All this sucks, but talking at your kids, telling them what they've heard you say a hundred times and nagging--none of this benefits your child.... The urge to do all of this is completely natural. You're desperate to keep the kid from pit falls! Heck, you've been down this road. You know the rough spots and you don't want the same for her.

Sorry. She's going to find out some things for herself and you--because you love her--get to be supportive and silent. She doesn't need to you point out that you told her this or to underline the lessons life is already teaching her.

She needs you to love her--to believe in her even when she doesn't believe in herself. While you may have the urge to rush in a rescue her in the way that your parents tried to rescue you (or in the way you wished you could have been rescued), don't do it. Rescuing needs to be very sparingly administered--just the minimum. Doing more will make her dependent on you and while that may make you feel warm and fuzzy in the short term, you're not going to be around always. She needs to learn she can stand on her own two feet.

I know this is hard. Particularly when the kid you love is crying or desperate. Don't rush in. Think very, very carefully about rescuing or saving her. The last thing you want is to weaken her.

If you want to help, support her school/career endeavors in any way you can, but only if she asks. This will give her the capacity to make a life for herself.

You want her to be strong. Remember that over-talking and telling her what to do doesn't help her discover the sometimes harsh truths of life. It just makes her stop listening to you.

And you don't want that.