LOST THE FAMILY LYNCH PIN

"I am the youngest of three siblings. My brother is seven years older than me and my sister is twelve years older. Our father passed away eight years ago and we were a close family when he was around. He was the one who brought everyone together for family functions and holidays. Since his passing, my brother has taken over the family business and has poured himself into running it. He is rather clueless when it comes to what is going on around him and within our family. My sister resents that he took over the business. She wanted it sold. There is tension between them because of this. My sister lives several states away and is so busy she barely makes time to come home to visit. My brother won't make any effort to see her because he feels like we aren't that important to her. As the youngest, I am stuck in the middle. It hurts that I don't get to see my sister often, as she frequently cancels planned visits. It also hurts that my brother resents my sister and her husband and feels like they don't care about us. I would just like to know what to do to bring my family back together. Being the youngest, they don't listen to me, so talking to them about this is hard. Any advice would be helpful."--Lack of Sibling Communication



Dear Lack,



Some families disband after the loss of a parent and this can be distressing or relieving, depending on your experience. The family business issue is just another version of fighting over an inheritance. I understand your mourning of this. It is like you've lost the connected family experience. The sad fact if that you cannot make your siblings get straight with one another. They are in charge of their own behavior and they get to decide whether or not to heal this breach.



You can, however, maintain a connection with each of them--not as a bridge--but because they're important to you. You can't scold them like children and force them to kiss after fighting (not that this really works with kids, either). If your interaction with your sister is strained by her "busy-ness", make efforts for getting together and don't act out of your hurt. You need to step back and accept the level of interaction she's offering. Don't always expect her to come to you. Go to where she lives and plan this visit when she says she's more likely to have some time to spend with you.



Family interaction isn't automatic or simple. She and your brother have to resolve--or not--their issues themselves. Even if you weren't the youngest, you can't fix this for them.

* * *

"My son will be getting married early next year. My husband and I don't have a bad relationship with him or his fiance (so far). They have been living together for two years and seemed fine. Now that they are getting married, we invited her and her family for a dinner. We wanted to celebrate and talk about the arrangements of the wedding ceremony and offer any contribution to the wedding. We were told that they don't want any type of contribution (not even gifts) and that we are not supposed to invite anyone.

It was very clear that they are paying for everything, they are in control of everything and we don't have anything to do with the matter. We felt very hurt, just shutting up and swallowed this because we didn't want to create conflict. But we also don't feel comfortable attending the wedding either, since the mother of the bride made it clear that she is paying $120.00 for each guest to be at the reception. We even feel that we are costing her $240.00 dollars.

We still didn't get to talk to our son after the meeting and we don't really know how to approach the situation. My son seems to be totally under their control. We are just surprised to find out that they are two control freaks. We don't know what to say or do. We definitely don't want to go to the wedding, but we don't know how to tell our son this."--Please Help

Dear Help,

There is no functional way to tell your son that you're so mad at his future in-laws, his future wife and him, that you won't even come to his wedding. Don't do this. Don't skip the wedding festivities and don't make snide comments to him, his soon-to-be wife or her family members.

I know this will be hard and that your burning to burst out with your grievances and the fact that you don't feel important. But take a step back, for a minute, and inhale a deep breath. Weddings are very emotional events and they don't tend to bring out the best in people (sadly).

Remind yourself that this is only one event; one day or week. Don't make this moment bigger than it is. If your son stays married to this girl, the wedding day will grow dim as they deal with the real life ups and downs of being a couple. If he and his bride truly don't want you to give them a gift, you might have a quiet, private conversation with him about what you want--that you'd like to contribute to their future in some way. It might be that the couple is older and financially well-established. They might be concerned about your financial state or they may feel that you've contributed a lot to him (them) already.

You're hearing the message "Butt out--We don't love you--We don't want anything from you--You're not important to us." They might not have meant any of this. You just don't know. Traditionally, the parents of the bride have footed the entire bill for the wedding, with the grooms parents paying for his and their wedding finery and for a rehearsal dinner. Lots of people are dispensing with this structure, having various reasons to change it up. Still, the bride's parents may feel that this is their gig, not yours.

Let them have it. Really, do you just want to lay out a lot of money for this occasion?

As far as the wedding guest list, you need to speak to your son. This is really his call. If you have family friends (not a massive list of your business associates and the people you want to show off to), you'd like there, tell your son this. It's his day, his celebration and his decision. You're probably very proud of him--and of her by extension--but this isn't primarily a brag-fest.

Lay low and don't throw any fits that will leave a stain on your relationship. Remember, they may have kids some day and you really don't want a lame fight making it awkward for you to build a relationship with your grandkids.

* * *

"I am facing a lot of family problems and I think I need some advice. My husband and I have a one and a half year old daughter. My main problem is that my husband is not as attached to me, but more with his mother and brothers. We are staying in a joint family arrangement. He has two brothers, who're staying in the same house with their wives and us. I think my husband is not thinking about me and our daughter. He is thinking more about his brothers and his mother. I don't know what to do. I am trying to change his attitude about this and I am in pressure...." --Waiting For Your Advice

Dear Waiting,

You didn't say if your husband acts in a loving or unloving way, but only that you're all living in a family home. Your husband's attachment to his mother and brothers is understandable and it wouldn't be good for anyone if this is broken. You cannot change his attitude. As many find out every day, changing a spouse's mind doesn't usually work. If, however, you believe your husband isn't loving or kind to you, you have (hopefully) the option to leave him. If doing this is a problem, ask your family to help.

If you love your husband and don't want to leave him--but just to change the living arrangements--you need to tell him that you love him and mention how much this housing situation is distressing you, stressing that it threatens your marriage. If he doesn't care how you feel or dismisses your concerns, he's not acting very loving and you might need to leave the relationship.

* * *

Remember that Thanksgiving is about more than food and football. Don't let the structure of getting together and stuffing your faces make you forget the purpose of this day. If ever there was a moment to remember what you're truly thankful for, this is it.

The experience of gratitude makes you healthier and happier. Even if your life has major challenges, you probably have some golden moments. Take some time and dwell on these.

It'll make you feel better and more blessed.

TELL HIM HE'S A GRANDFATHER?

One reader writes: "I got pregnant with my ex and he left me when I was four months along. ...He hasn't made any effort to see the baby and I haven't seen him since we broke up. [Now] I wonder if I should tell my ex's dad about the baby. He knew I was pregnant, but he's not seen the baby, either, and I feel that its my fault that he thinks I don't want him to see the baby. He hasn't made an effort to see the baby, either. I know where my baby's grandfather lives. Do you think I should go personally to his house and allow him to see the baby, so he can see that I have nothing against him?"

#

No, I don't think you should go to his house. You said flat out that he knew you were pregnant. If he wants to see his grandson, the ball is really in his court. While you may feel badly that your child doesn't have a father (or grandfather), you can't do anything about that. This sucks and you can hate it, but you can't change it. Parenting takes two willing people, (unless we're talking about child support).

Your son deserves to be taken care of and you can take steps to get him what he needs financially. He also deserves to be loved, but you sadly can't make his father or grandfather do this.

* * *

"I am a 38 year old Hungarian woman. Four years ago, I met my husband on the internet and fell in love. I left my whole life in Hungary, including my elderly parents, my brother and my friends. I came to the United States and we got married. We are happy.

I do not have any children, but my husband has a twelve year-old daughter. In Hungary, I had three teaching degrees and was very respected. I was eager and happy to meet my new step-daughter. I did many things to care for my husband and his child, but she never appreciated this and never accepted me...she is always against me, talks back to me and sasses me.... I got pregnant and then lost the baby. I have high blood sugar and blood pressure and [this gets worse] when she comes to visit. She never listens to me. She hates me and everything that is related to me.

She's always bored with us and never likes anything. I texted her mom, telling her some of this after a fight between the child and I, but she sent a message back that I was unreasonable and demanding with her child. I was shocked....I did not expect this.

When she is not in the home, I feel peaceful and calm. My husband goes and sees her every Wednesday and Saturday. This is better for me, but painful to my husband. I think they/we should go to a family therapist or psychologist. ...My husband and I still love each other very

much, but we argue a lot. What do you think?"

#

Step parenting is very difficult, but you need to understand that this child didn't ask for you in her life. She probably didn't get to vote about her parents divorcing. I'm not saying that she should have had a say-so about this, but don't expect her to like it, either.

I think this kid isn't ever going to like you. Maybe she wouldn't like anyone who was her father's new wife. I don't know. You need to quit trying to win her over. Let her be her father's problem and if she doesn't want to come to his house, he's the one to deal with that. You, on the other hand, need to remove yourself from this fight. You can't win it and you can't make everything nice between you all. Her mom's on her side because this is typically what moms do, they side with their kids.

Be the adult. Let her be a jerk, just don't be one yourself.

* * *

An Anonymous reader wrote, in response to the "Always A Cheater?" column:

"I'm the cheater. And I am so sorry, but not only am I sorry, I want to know what I can do to help the relationship heal. We had problems before, I know the cheating is all on me. I want to go to counseling. He doesn't. He left, but is coming back as friends and "parents" to "our girls"--my daughter and granddaughter. He says he doesn't want me or anyone, at this point, but we have a chance in the future. We have both said we aren't going to see anyone else. I'm not, I swear. I NEVER want to see the hurt in his eyes caused by me that I witnessed. Ever again. What can I do?"

#

Go to counseling yourself--by yourself, if necessary. You feel horrible about cheating, but stop telling yourself you are a horrible person. You're not. You messed up and made a bad choice.

Go to counseling and deal with your part of the issues that weren't addressed in the relationship before you cheated. Even if he doesn't want to go to therapy with you, you can benefit. You don't want to hurt him again, but you can't take all the relationship problems on yourself. He had some part of them. He didn't cheat, but he has some part of the issues. Let's let him have some power in this--power goes with responsibility. You can't have one without the other.

Learn what you need to learn and work hard on forgiving yourself.

* * *

As we approach the Thanksgiving season, it's important to remember what you're really grateful for. We tend to forget these things as we charge ahead in life, dealing with the daily issues. No life is perfect, but every life has some good parts.

Love yours and be thankful.

THE FAMILY YOU CHOOSE

We have a lot of mixed feelings about "family." Depending on the luck of the draw, for you family can mean a loving, supportive unit of people who look a lot like you....or it can be a code word for hell.

In the Western world, the end of the calendar year is a period traditionally loaded with family time. This can be really good or really bad, depending on your personal experience.

Although individuals tend to define family by biology--the people with whom you share DNA--dictionaries have a much wider view of the word. Family can be defined many ways, but in general it is a basic social unit. A group who share common interests, lifestyles and goals can feel like a family.

It's not always about biology, but many view their physical connections as carrying lots of emotional baggage. I hear all the time that individuals continue having contact with troublesome relatives because of this biology. When I ask about the continued contact with the difficult or harmful relative, I get "...because he's my brother" or "...because we're family", including the ever-popular "..because she's my mom!" This latter statement is always made in shocked tones, as if the individual is startled that I'd even ask the question.

What if your biological family isn't the Norman Rockwell version? It may be far, far from this. What then? You may have little incommon with your siblings and share no affection for them. It this is true, the holiday season usually brings difficult decisions.

Many individuals view biological relatives as a kind of existential anchor. The people who came before you. To some extent, we view ourselves as occupying a place in a line of relatives--we have a place there. There is then the tendency to see our interactions as years of investment. We think of what we owe our parents and grandparents like their care for you was a debt to which you agreed. Sometimes we struggle, feeling alone and naked in a cold world without some form of family interaction, even when our interactions with biological relatives are far from loving and nurturing.

There are "bad" families. My work with foster kids has shown me this. Yes, there are kids in foster care whose parents are just messed up themselves or who are scrambling to get their lives together, so they can care for their kids again. But there are also other situations--the sad, sad ones with children who've been abandoned or abused or both.

Biology doesn't equal love.

Unfortunately, those children of less-than-loving families can think their situations are about them...that they somehow deserve not to be loved. This is so far from the truth. No matter what we've done or not done, we still deserve love. Still, individuals struggled with the belief that "...if my own family doesn't love me, I must be a horrible person."

So not true.

Family can be a warm, supportive place, a shelter to which you run when you need to lick your wounds or a group of people who fiercely back you up. But this doesn't have to be biologically-based. Adopted children are often greatly loved. Chosen and loved.

Maybe it's time to let go of the biology-as-family definition and move instead to where we define family as those who love us--those who act loving toward us, not just say the word.

Maybe family is defined by what's in the heart.

* * *

Confidential to Ista:

You may think your wife is yelling and upset over nothing, but this isn't usually the case. She's mad about something. Your best bet is to try really hard to listen to what's upsetting her. Don't explain or defend yourself. Don't try to "correct" her. Doing these will just give her the impression that you're arguing. She may make statements that you think aren't true. You still need to hear what she feels, what's upsetting to her. After she tells you that you've heard whatever is upsetting her, then you get to tell her what's upsetting you. Only after you listen, though.

Much would be solved in relationships if we learned how to hear each other.

WALKING THE PARENT TIGHTROPE

Don't think having kids will sudden confer a personality transformation on you. You'll still be the same person and you'll have taken on one of the hardest jobs on this earth. Parenting has many rewards, but it's no cake walk.

First, you have to walk the careful line between abandonment and entitlement. You want to be there for your children--to give them love and devotion. Whether or not this was your experience growing up, you want this for your children. But can you give them too much? If the Big Depression left children growing up carefully watching their pennies for fear of having nothing, this era has raised an Entitlement generation.

The children growing up now--and those who are young adults--have been given toys and electronics at the drop of a hat. Heck, we give children who aren't having a birthday presents to keep them from feeling bad that the birthday child has presents. Something is seriously wrong here. Things are offered to adjust emotions and then, we expect kids to say no to drugs and alcohol and risky relationships that do the same--make the bad feelings temporarily go away.

Bad feelings aren't fun, but they aren't the end of the world, either.

Parents and grandparents pamper children and then get upset when the kids are demanding, bratty individuals who refuse to grow up and support themselves. In this scenario, when have kids ever been expected to care for themselves?

The opposite of entitled children are the kids who's parents have ceased to care for their emotional needs. Parenting is a gradual taking off of your supportive hands, kind of like when you were teaching your children to ride a bike. Then, you ran along-side the child, holding the bike up while he pedaled. As he found his balance, you began to withdraw your hold until you took your hand off completely...because he was riding on his own.

When learning to ride a bike, the kids might fall. Then, they learn the lesson of getting up, dusting themselves off and giving it another shot. Lots of moments like that in life.

Parents sometimes start off, though, lavishing attention and time on their young children, giving them an abundance of stuff and excuses for their misbehavior, only to stop doing more than putting a roof over their head when they reach more challenging ages. Just withdrawing when parenting gets hard, isn't taking your hands off the bike, it's withdrawal.

But doing the gradual thing requires you to be connected to and in tune with your children. It can be painful and difficult to watch them fail. We hurt when our loved ones fail, but letting them learn is so important. We tend to rescue for ourselves, not for them.

The most loving parenting involves giving kids a firm structure, within which kids are free to negotiate, if they want. Certain things are completely unacceptable--hurting others, destroying property--but some things can be discussed and given in moderation. It's a challenge to find the right balance at times, but the combination gives your kids a strong foundation upon to rest while they're growing up.

Be reasonable and consistent with structure; don't waffle. If you identify and follow through with consequences, they'll generally learn how to handle life. You have to believe in them, believe they can learn to do what's best for them. This is the best gift you can give your child. When you believe in the child's capacity--to cope, to grow, to handle the bumps of growing up--your child gets the message she's okay. That's a gift--I know you're going to be okay. I know you have what it takes. If you truly believe this about your child, you don't need to rescue him.

As parents, aren't we working out way out of our jobs? This is my belief about therapy, too. I'm working my way out of a job, helping clients learn what they need to move forward without me. This isn't a forever role. Neither is parenting. Like it or not, one day you won't be there for your kids. You want them to be strong and capable and successful people...even when you're no longer around.

ONCE A CHEATER?

Maybe there's more to this question than common knowledge suggests. Many people believe that cheating in a committed relationship is a personal flaw that cannot be changed. I think that's an over-simplification. Some individuals adhere to this belief, thinking they just need to shun those who've cheated and that the cheater will never change, but this can be simply an attempt to try and feel more secure. The story goes that you just need to leave a cheated-on relationship and move on to someone who won't betray you.

Only this isn't so easy. Cheaters don't come bar-coded for easy identification and, as difficult as it is to make happen, people do change. We're not born with a set of behaviors that we're just stuck with. We get to choose the actions that work for us and change the ones that don't.

All that being said, some people who cheat once, do cheat again. Others, though, never cheat again. If you're the betrayed party, you feel hurt and mad and you want assurances that you'll never be hurt again.

The reality is, however, even if you leave the cheater, you can't be assured that the next relationship won't go the same way.

If you've been betrayed and heart-wounded by infidelity, you need to do the difficult thing and learn whatever you can learn from the experience. This is brutally hard. When all you want to do is crawl off and lick your wounds--in between moments of coming back to beat your mate--it's very, very difficult to step-back enough to look at the problems in the relationship before the breach.

Just thinking about looking at these issues can seem like you're being blamed for your mate's bad behavior. This is never true. Cheating occurs when the main relationship is struggling, but the choice to get naked with someone other than the mate can only be the cheater's choice. This isn't ever anyone else's fault. Ever. If you've been betrayed, you may have been told that your mate wouldn't have stepped out on you if you had more sex with the mate, bitched less at him/her, didn't flirt with other people, et cetera, et cetera.

Even if your mate never told you the cheating was your fault, you may still wonder: Was it something I did? Nope, not your fault.

However, while the cheating can only be the choice of the cheater, the relationship between you and your mate is 50/50. You both contribute to whatever happens between you. While this may seem blaming, it's really not. Unless you cheated, the cheating isn't your fault. It is very important, though, that you see your part in the relationship. You are responsible for your behavior in the relationship. If you have no impact on your mate, we're saying you have no power. Having no power is scary and unacceptible.

So, you have half of this thing--not the cheating--but half of the relationship.

You need to see that you can make your life better. You need to see what you add to the problems, so you can change your actions. This is your power, so learn what you need to learn from your damaged relationship.

Once a cheater, always a cheater? Maybe. Maybe not. The relationship needs careful examination and you need to look at what you want. You get to decide whether you stay or go. No one gets to tell you what to do. Ever. Not your mother. Not your professional therapist. No one. This is your decision.

You may not have anything else to give this relationship. You may be done. Your call. Even if your partner is really, really sorry, even if there were problems in the relationship and you weren't always an angel. Still, your call. Go or stay.

Never be ashamed of staying, though, and working to see if anything can be resuscitated. Staying doesn't make you weak, stupid or foolish. If you stay, there's something in the relationship of value to you--you hope you can make it a great deal better. Stay and change things. Stay if you can actually see improvement.

Issues in relationship don't just go away and the cheater saying "Sorry, I'll never cheat again" doesn't fix the problems, but the problems might actually be worked through. Maybe.

Having cheated once doesn't guarantee that an individual will cheat again. But the only way to hope to achieve this is to address the problems, to find better ways to successfully deal with issues.

Stay and work on things or go. Make your choice based on what you need and on whether the issues in the relationship can be resolved.

SIBLING RUPTURE

Sibling relationships can go one of two ways--you can be stuck like glue to one another or feel as disconnected as scattered Legos. The home you grow up in has a big, big impact on this, but not necessarily in a specific direction. Children who grow up in terrible situations sometimes cling together as if they're bonded by Super-Glue. The opposite can be true, too. Horrible situations can pit children against one another and traumatize them in ways that make sibling connections deeply complicated.

To some individuals, sibling divisions are very troubling. They lose sleep over this, struggling to find ways to make the connection whole again. Others--for reasons that are unclear--never really make a connection in the first place.

It's hard to fathom the side you didn't grow up in. The very-connected siblings cannot understand the very-disconnected siblings and vice versa.

Sometimes siblings just choose very different lives and cannot bridge the gap or do not care to bridge it. Values separate individuals who share DNA just as they separate us all. If on the other hand, you have valued your sibling and now find that something divides you, careful examination is called for. Look at your own actions--at yourself. It's too easy to see what the other person should have done(or not done). The harder thing and the more valuable question is to ask yourself what you've contributed to the problems.

Sometimes parents--their last years, their demises or their wills--break open a fissure in sibling relationships. Sometimes, parents work very hard to bring siblings together to no avail. Parents have an impact, but the siblings get to decide how their relationships will be resolved.

Parent involvement in this situation can go either way or be totally irrelevant. (I think of the two, I'd rather be part of the problem. At least if you're part of the problem, you can work to fix your part of the mess. When the mess is nothing of your doing, there's not much you can change to make it better.)

The most important thing siblings can do, however, is that same loving act we can offer to all--respect the other person. Oh, I know that some choices made by others are deeply repugnant and leave you not wanting to associate with them. But most people aren't Dexter--and even he has a value system although very twisted. Most of us are seeking validation that means something to us. Pretty simple, really. What we value isn't necessarily what our neighbors value. Some people really respect the highly-educated. Others think education is a waste of time and money and value something different like wealth.

We want different things and sometimes different lives from our siblings.

The point is that barring those values that incorporate murder and mayhem, most of us are just trying to create lives that matter. If your siblings choose very, very different paths--different religions or no religion at all--acknowledge that person's right to seek that which is valuable. The trouble is that we too often view different as some kind of judgement about our own choices. Whether you're seeking a life in a seminary or you love the thrust-and-parry of the business world, someone else choosing a different life doesn't mean they think you're wrong in your choices.

Your siblings might have messed up pretty badly, but just as in other relationships, you can't change other individuals' choices or behaviors--only your own. If you have a ruptured relationship with a sibling, do your best to work on you and accept him/her.

Both can be hard.

MY TEACHER FROM THE PAST

I was always a drifty kid, prone to flashes of intelligence, but I was really bad at finishing my work. At least, that's how I remember it and, honestly, I don't remember a lot. The names of classmates, even as recently as college, are lost to me, mostly because I've always been pretty introverted and didn't know how to interact with the world.

And the past isn't greatly important to me. (Sorry FaceBook aficianadoes who avidly look for elementary schoolmates whose names they remember.)

I've forgotten most of my classmates and all but a few teachers. I have great respect for the teaching profession, not because anyone in particular took an interest in me and guided me toward my eventual field of focus, but because I've come to see this as important, hard work--teaching.

I saw this most clearly as I witnessed the folks who guided my children's footsteps at various points in academia, particularly the early teachers--the ones who gave them a foundation and helped them learn personal responsibility for school work. My children are both better scholars than I ever thought to be and I attribute this to their early teachers. They've had some great (and no so great) teachers through high school and college. Some of which were very helpful and important and some of which stunk.

As do many of us, I have a teacher who impacted me negatively and who left me cringing. I was too much of a pansy to even cause this woman any trouble in class. Ironically, this was an English teacher and I've forgotten her name, not because of my classroom trauma, but just because I don't focus a lot on the past. At least not the details, like her name. I remember the incident in which my teacher humiliated me, though. I remember it this way probably because I was a wuss. I should have blown her off or given her classroom-hell, not groveled in my skin.

I think she was stupid in what she said--an English teacher--who when walking the aisle between the desks before class, chose to criticize scornfully my choice of reading material. Yep, I had a book lying on my desk. Not a piece of classic literature, but a frothy light read. She felt it necessary to criticize this in front of my classmates. She was openly scornful. Now, you might wonder at why an English teacher didn't fall to her knees at this evidence, thankful that a high school student was reading for pleasure, but no. This wasn't her response and, at this point, I pity her--yes, a little scornfully--but I think she really missed an opportunity and I feel sad for her.

I continue to read all kinds of things for pleasure, but she lost me in that moment. (I'll bet that I now have a better vocabulary than does she.)

Like I said, I have a great respect for teachers. They work harder than we know, they deal with kids who're irritating and with parents who make them want to pull their hair out. They see the neglected kids and confiscate random electronics from the entitled kids.

Not an easy profession--teaching--but an extremely important one.

Now, to my other remembered teacher. Again, I don't have a clue what his name is. "Mr. Something-Or-Other." But this guy had a profound effect on me. I was part of the great experiment in the early seventies--one of many students who went to a new school with an Open Classroom format. Now, don't think I'm advocating for closed classrooms and ankle monitors for students, but this Open Classroom format allowed my sixth grade self to easily sneak away from my class. Which I did on a regular basis.

I spent many an hour in the girls' rest room giggling and talking with friends.

Toward the end of the school year, however, I had a day of reckoning. My male teacher sat me down and told me that, if I didn't finish the work I'd been neglecting, I wouldn't move on to seventh grade. Now, mind you, my academic goal has always been to get out of school. I was smart enough to know that failing a grade wasn't going to help this.

What I really respected about this teacher who's name I don't remember is that he stated the situation simply and directly. He didn't yell at me, didn't say I was stupid, didn't threaten to call my parents--he just told me the consequences of my choices. Do the work and pass. Don't do the work and repeat sixth grade,

I finished the work and passed.

He did me a big favor, that teacher and I've thought of him many times. I wish I remembered his name, so I could thank him personally, but I don't. In many ways, I'm an idiot. So, I'm taking this opportunity to tell those of you who dedicate your lives doing something I'd never do--Thank You. Thank you, Mr. Name-I-Can't-Remember-Teacher.

Thank you for leveling with me. For talking to me like I had a brain and could use it.

You made a difference in my life, even if I can't remember your name. Good karma is being sent your way and has been all the way through my grad school degrees. I appreciate you. I just hope you feel appreciated.

You made a big difference in one kid's life. I hope yours is good.