CONTROLLING PARENTS

"I am 20 years old and my girlfriend is 19. She has very controlling parents. They won't let her out, at all, and she has to lie to them, telling them that she's going to work just to hang out with me. I don't get to see her a lot and she's been working a lot these days. She closes every day and ends at around 11 pm and now her parents have told her she has to quit. She has no choice, but because she doesn't have the income required to go to college and pay for rent elsewhere. She's so distressed because she wants to have a life, too. She doesn't know what to do. I'm sending this in place of her because she would never go online to ask for advice. What can she do?"--Appreciative boyfriend

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Dear Boyfriend,

She can quit school, get a job to pay for her rent and live her life as she chooses...but I'm not recommending this as the best. She has a really big choice to make and she needs to look at the consequences of this. When parents support an adult child, paying for their school and their expenses, the parents expect to have a say in the child's choices. This can include dating choices.

While I recommend parents allow adult children to handle their own choices, the parents' financial involvement does give them some right to have a say-so in your girlfriend's choices.

I agree that this is a very difficult situation and I understand that your position is not good. Some cultures make it difficult for children to act against their parents' wishes, particularly girls. This is sad and unfortunate. If your girlfriend is being sent to college, she's better off than some girls. She doesn't have great options, though.

She can strike out on her own--paying her own tuition and working her way through college--or she can abide by her parents' decree and not date. You've already tried the sneaking around option and apparently they're on to you.

* * *

Fear can be gripping and controlling and facing it, bare-knuckle, isn't any fun. This is just what needs to happen though, if we're going to learn what we need to learn. Many individuals find creative ways to side-step their fears. Some go to great lengths, marrying, divorcing, going to school (forever) or not going to college, at all.

You may be afraid to end a relationship or afraid to venture out and declare yourself as interested in someone. Fear is a powerful thing.

The fear of failure motivates some people to give up all endeavors. They don't try anything because they might fail at it. Fear can range from being a twinge that dogs you to being a raging, roaring beast, in control of your life. When Winston Churchill made his famous speech, saying "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself" he was part-right. Obviously, there's a lot of really scary stuff out there, but when we allow fear to controll our lives, determining what we do and who we do it with, we've already thrown in the towel. At that moment, we're convinced that we're weaklings and that we have no power.

The emotion can be really, really strong, but it's not true that you have no power. Ever. Even if you're tied up at the time. (I hope you're not tied up.) Even in the face of terrifying consequences, we have choices. Sometimes those choices are in how we handle the bad situations; sometimes we can avoid the scary stuff altogether.

Ask yourself what scares you the most--could be relationship loss, personal failure, loss of freedom (being told what to do ALL the time) or you could have a fear of instability (what if you can't count on home and job?). We all have dark corners and the desire to avoide these can be strong.

But you're stronger. You are. You can face the issues dogging you and you can learn what you need to learn. You're capable, even though you might not feel that way.

SHOULD SHE TRUST HIM AGAIN?

"My boyfriend and I were surprised, but happy to find out we were having a baby. A few months after this, he started partying hard...staying out all night...and being gone for 2-3 days at a time. This made us fight a lot, but I thought 'maybe he's just getting it out of his system'. He also has PTSD from his 3 tours of duty in Iraq and he uses alcohol as his drug of choice. I thought things were getting a little too real for him and he just needed to get out for awhile.

I would see messages on his phone from other girls...[but] I never really thought he would sleep with anybody [else] and he says he never did. I just recently found a picture in his Sent Picture message box on his phone of his erect penis, sent to a phone number in Arkansas back in March. He no longer has contact with this girl, but it still feels like he cheated on me. Is it cheating if he never actually slept with her? And how can I trust what he says when he claims he never slept with anybody?

I also found a string of messages he shared with a girl in one of his school classes. She said to him that she knew his Facebook status listed him as being in a relationship, but she thought she would throw her phone number out there and he could run with it. He responded by saying 'Oh, I'll run with it'. Then he asked if she wanted 'real pics, like XXX pics'.

I want to work this out, but I'm utterly heartbroken and I'm unsure if I will ever be able to believe a word he says now. And will I ever be able to be okay not looking at his phone every time a message comes in? Or wanting to read his Facebook conversations?"--Untrusting

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Dear Untrusting,

I'm sad to say you can't trust that he never slept with anybody else, no matter what he claims. Intimate verbal (and photographic) interaction is now acknowledged by experts as emotional cheating. Even if he never got naked with her in the same room, he cheated.

Now what? You're having a child by this guy and I'm sure you'd like to believe that everything is hunky dory, but your boyfriend's actions make it pretty clear that he's troubled. Whether or not this is directly related to his PTSD, I can't say, but I strongly recommend he get treatment for the stress and trauma of prolonged combat. He deserves this.

I totally agree that you don't want to spend your life checking his phone and his Facebook messages. This is not a way to live.

I strongly recommend you get counseling if you decide to continue with this relationship. Infidelity leaves gaping wounds. The problems in the relationship need big work, if the two of you have a future together. You deserve this, as does your unborn child.

* * *

Should you lie for your Ex?

Although loving parents often want to shield their children from harsh realities, think carefully about the lies you tell your kids. Sooner or later your children will get the big picture and they'll remember your deceit. Even the Santa Claus lie has backfired on some parents.

Of course, in this case you're lying to your kids to protect them, but think about the underlying message--are you meaning to say that your children aren't capable of dealing with reality? It's totally understandable that you love your kids and you want them to feel special and loved(even if your Ex is a jerk), but think carefully before assuring your children that their other parent loves them.

While this sounds harmless and surely true, many parents find themselves assuring their tykes that "mommy's at work and couldn't come" (or "daddy will take you for visitation as soon as he can") when this isn't true at all. You may wish it were true and you may hope that your ex will straighten up and be the parent your child deserves, but your wishes won't make this come true.

With the hope of easing their children's lives, some parents out-and-out lie for their ex's. Stop this. You're not helping anyone if you block your children from realizing what their other parent does or doesn't do.

Try to find a middle road. Don't lie to protect and don't dump your anger at your Ex on your children.

Be straight with your kids. There's benefit in talking angrily about the Ex in front of your child and you don't need to make the kid deal with ugly realities in the interest of honesty. Life will do the reality part for you. Just let it unfold. Don't make promises for other people; don't utter accusations or harsh condemnation...at least not where the child can hear.

When you allow your child--with your emotional support--to confront the truth, you're indicating a belief in the child's capacity; in his ability to handle life. We often struggled knowing what emotional support means, but often this involves just being there. Your love is conveyed by how you act, by your behavior, not by you bashing the other parent.

This is a very hard role because you're the one who comforts the child when he's crying because his dad didn't show again. You're there to see the distress; you feel it, too. It sucks that life isn't fair. Your kid deserves better and so do you.

RELATIONSHIP WITH ALCOHOLIC MOTHER

"My mother and I have difficulty communicating...We attempted counseling, but it has made it even more difficult! I really believed we were going to try when she wanted to meet once a week to talk. I wanted to put things back together and I believed her 100%.

She is an alcoholic and I've learned not to take phone calls from her after 5 pm. I know that sounds silly, but it protects me because she says a lot of things that upset me. A day after counseling, my phone rang. Since it was after 5, so I let it go to voice mail. It turns out the she had called me by accident and my voice mail recorded her talking to my grandmother. My mother had been drinking and she said terrible things about me. Most of them were lies! I felt so betrayed. I really believed she was going to change and be a mom (which I never felt I had)! My mom was molested by her dad and abused by my father, so I know she has suffered.

It all makes sense to me now why my grandmother says terrible things to me! Anyone that really knows me thinks so differently about me. I am not sure what to do. I know I can't have a relationship with her, even though I desperately want one! It's so hard because I want my children to have grandparents, but I feel it's not healthy. I feel so sad... Any suggestions?"--Daughter Trying So Hard

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Dear Daughter,

I've got a sad piece of news for you: You're right. You can't have the relationship you want to have with your mother. While this is distressing, you need to protect yourself better than you have been doing. Some individuals in your position end all ties with the offending parent, even though this is painful.

Your children deserve better and so do you.

With active alcoholism, counseling has limited impact. Your mom may want to change, but she wants alcohol more at this point. If you can't cut off all contact, hold firm to your policy of not accepting calls after five...and don't listen to drunken voice mail. Just delete these.

It's important to acknowledge that we can't change other people. They have free will, just as we do. This means they get to decide the lives they live, even when their choices make no sense to you.

* * *

Too many adults deal with sexual trauma--rape by strangers or people they know. This is a real issue when the individual is impaired by either alcohol or drugs. When not in a clear frame of mind, she doesn't have all her faculties at her command.

Typically, women are victims of sex crimes--usually by their partners--but men can also be sufferers.

Like childhood sexual abuse, self-blame can be a large issue. Childhood sexual trauma usually earns a quick It wasn't your fault! But adult sexual trauma can leave impression of blame, particularly when the victim's behavior is discussed. Even the victim can believe she or he was asking for it. Let's be very clear--No one asks to be assaulted. Ever. No article of clothing is revealing enough, no place is unsafe enough that the victim is responsible for an assault. The perpetrator always chooses his bad behavior.

Even when we're drunk or otherwise impaired, we are still responsible for our actions. After all, we hold drunk drivers responsible for the accidents they cause. We need to be just as clear about the sexual assaults that occur when the perpetrator is drunk.

No matter what, the victim is never responsible for the attack. Yes, after being attacked you may decide not to walk down dark alleys and you may decide to wear less revealing clothes. Your choice. But don't assume responsibility for the perpetrator's actions. This implies that he had no choice; he couldn't stop. That's ridiculous.

After all, a lot of other people saw you wearing whatever you were wearing and they didn't assault you. Rape doesn't happen in every relationship. Victims are never responsible.

TOUGH TO BE THE TOUGH ONE

"I'm writing this because I need some advice. I really don't know how you will help me with this, but I figured I'll write. I just found out that my mom has tumors in her stomach and she might have ovarian cancer. I've been the 'hard a**' during this situation, trying to keep hope alive, but I'm extremely tired of playing this role. ...My plans with my boyfriend are once again on hold.... It seems like I can only run to my best friend and...I don't want to drag her into this situation because she's been my [strength through] all my problems. So now I only have a pillow to hug because I'm dealing with this crap alone.

I can't shake this dream I had three weeks ago that my mom and my boyfriend's best friend's mother were dead. ...I feel this dream was a warning.... My mom has [multiple serious health issues]. She's only 53 years old...and she's not supposed to be dying. I've already lost my father in '08... I would really like my mom to be here when I have a family of my own. I really don't know what to do at this point, but sit in the dark alone. How can I rectify this situation or cope with this better?"--L

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Dear L,

My sympathies on the loss of your father. You are in a terribly stressful situation, already suffering the loss of one parent and now facing the likelihood of being completely orphaned by the possible death of your mother. It's understandable that you've tried to be the Rock, the tough one in the face of your mother's bad health, but it's important that you get some care for yourself. She has lots of people working to save her. Medical personnel who are trained in this. It's time to ask your mother's physician for contacts to local support groups. You're not the only one going through this and this isn't the time for you to try to tough it out.

You're dream is a reflection of your anxiety about this situation. Being worried about this is completely normal. NOT being worried wouldn't make sense, but your wanting to believe she'll pull through this is also completely normal. Sometimes life isn't fair. You've been dealt a rough hand. Your grief and fear fit this situation, but that doesn't mean you can't come through it. Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel when you're in the tunnel is impossible.

You asked how you can rectify this situation, how you can cope with it better. Sadly, you can't fix your mother's health. You also need to stop trying to tough this out alone. You need to let a bigger circle of friends into your grief. Be okay with asking for help. It may not be comfortable, but this is vital. Give yourself permission to let others be with you. Your mom needs you to be okay. Don't just take care of her, take care of you by letting others be with you now.

* * *

Forgiving others when they've offended you is a very difficult path. I'm not in favor of trying to forgive those you're letting continue to offend you, but hanging on to grief and anger helps no one. Sometimes forgiveness is a release.

Harboring hatred and anger only hurts the vessel, the one holding the scalding emotions. We get confused about forgiveness, considering that we need to act as if the offense never happened. This behavior comes closer to being denial than forgiveness.

When you've been offended by another individual--this can include anything from the murder of a loved one to infidelity--think carefully about what you need at this moment...and then yield the offender to the universe. We don't always see it, but actions bring consequences. This can be the end of a marriage or a life-long battle with innumerable personal issues. Bad relationship outcomes, difficult parenting relationships or even health problems--all of these can be the results of poor choices.

You might not see the universe delivering consequences, but actions always yield these. Sometimes the most important thing we can do for ourselves is to let others' come by the results of their choices. We don't have to hate or worry or harbor ill will.

We get what we deserve, even if that isn't always seen. You don't have to go on hating or hurting. Forgive the offender and let yourself start healing.

Think carefully about whether your anger is hurting the offender or hurting you.

ARE YOU A "GOOD KID"?

Parents want them and most kids want to be them, but its a not necessarily a good thing to be The Good Kid. Most families have one of these, the kid who always does what their parents want--at least when they're observed--and get most of the parental kudos. These are the ones who take pride in trying the hardest and shining the brightest.

Parents brag about their accomplishments and these don't often make mistakes, but this position isn't usually the best for the kid. Their always good in comparison to the sibling who is the bad kid. This places a wedge between siblings that sometimes never heals.

In family after family, the story is the same--good kids tend to bear more responsibility and they can earn parental admiration for never screwing up or not causing their parents anxiety. The other kids in the family usually know which one has this position and, even if they rely on the good child, they tend to resent them.

Good children bear the weight of never messing up when most of life's best lessons involve messing up. That is sadly how most individuals learn. We make choices that work for us and choices that don't. The difference between these helps us see the best path(unless some well-meaning adult steals our learning opportunities by stepping in to clean up our mistakes). The position of good child tends to lead to deception on the child's part, too, because they're trying hard to hang on to the coveted position. When they step out on the wild side, they make sure their parents know nothing about it.

Good children the world over spend their younger years trying to make everything okay for their parents and in this they feel a need to hide their own missteps. In the absence of strong parenting, they can feel the need to become parental themselves. There are big consequences for a parentified child. They are bossy with younger kids and they brown-nose adults with whom they want to ingratiate themselves.

The problems with this position linger into adulthood, but the perks don't usually follow. Good children feel defined by this position and they don't want to give up their limited power. Who wants to be dethroned? Some take role into adulthood, seeking careers that continue the always-good position; for example minister, police officers, and helping professions. These roles can be very valuable, but continuing to suppress your own inclinations and stay in the role the good kid can be limiting.

Parents need to look hard at their actions with their children. We tend to smile on the child who doesn't give trouble, but to step in to clean up messes for the "less-able" child. The one that screws up the most and seems to need assistance. Whether these are the kids who develop drug and alcohol problems or has bad relationships from which you must rescue them, think hard before you step in. The good child will feel angry and unacknowleged--possibly chastising you for using their inheritance and your good will on the bad child--and the bad child is weakened by your lack of belief in his or her ability to clean up their own messes.

Parents feel bad when they prefer one child over the other, but they need to go beyond just trying to make sure the Will is fair. They need to examine themselves and the family they created to find understanding of these dynamics.

Don't stay stuck in being the good child. You don't need this role to be a good person or to achieve those things you want in your life, even if letting go of it can be very difficult.

OKAY WITH BEING A "SIDE PIECE"?

I always learn things from my job--both things about myself and things about the world. This week a client used a phrase that very clearly summarizes what many folks are dealing with. She said her relative is okay with being a side piece.

Lots of people are dealing with relationship issues. Trouble in this area is wide spread. But when does cheating around become okay? When is it just a method for avoiding relationship or personal problems.

A side piece, by this client's definition, is a woman or man who's content with being the other, the one a married individual sees on the side. Non-primary relationships have both an advantage and a disadvantage in that regular life isn't the focus. Because of the secrecy involved, issues of money and kids don't usually intrude. Extra-marital or non-primary relationships have an urgency, an intensity that's fostered by secrecy. In this pressurized situation, the relationship feels highly intense and very powerful.

Some have likened it to a drug addiction. They say they are addicted to the lover, to the secret codes, the text messages and private phone calls. This can feel like something you do just for yourself when you do little for you, focusing more on the roles of parent, employee and spouse. This affair is something you're doing just for you.

Powerful.

People in this situation usually have arguments with themselves. They know they should quit and fly right, but they can't stop craving interaction with the other person. This can feel like an obsession. In the middle of birthday parties for your children and family holidays, you try to sneak off to exchange private phone calls, steal furtive time together. Soul mates forced into clandestine, tawdry relationships.

Typically, there are powerful reasons for staying in the primary relationship. The biggest of these is the sharing of children. Whether you've borne kids together or just engaged in a loving caretaker role with a child not biologically your own, this is a strong influence for lots of people. You don't want to damage the children or to lose your own interaction with them. Many of us have grown up in broken homes. We know the conflicts divorce and separation can bring for children and many promise themselves they'll never make their kids suffer these.

Some of those cheating don't want to leave their primary mates for money reasons, but these aren't usually as big as the fear of being alone. Yes, that may sound a little crazy since the cheater has a soul mate cheating with him or her, but these are often two married people. The timing of one leaving--and the other possibly not leaving--is complex.

There's also the pesky emotional left-overs to deal with. You may have been with your primary relationship partner for years. Even though you're not in love anymore, you're still attached to your mate. You certain don't wish him or her harm. Usually. Not really. You're also not sure you want them completely out of your life, dating others and not responding super-fast to your calls?

This can be a very complicated situation.

Oddly enough, the stats aren't good on those who end their primary relationships and get with the person they've been cheating with. Soul mates deal with real life and usually with disillusionment.

Being a side piece, however, is also a complicated role and one in which you won't either learn to deal with your issues or learn how to be fully in a relationship. It can also mean spending holidays alone and never being able to talk to your parents and friends about the person you consider most connected to you.

Sorting all this out can be very difficult. No one else gets to tell you when you need to leave your primary relationship (friends and relatives may try), but no one can force you to leave your affair, either. Affairs don't produce significant long-term happiness. They just don't, but lots of people are engaging in this seemingly non-productive behavior.

One of the reasons I wrote my book Should I Leave Him? was to help people struggling with this decision.

Dealing with relationship challenges is a very personal matter. Your mother/preacher/friend/therapist can't make the choices for you. It's your decision and you may need some help in finding the right path for you.

DON'T LET THE DELIVERY OVERWHELM THE MESSAGE

Do you listen well when you're being shouted at? Most of us don't. The delivery of the message makes a lot of different, but the urge to yell is powerful. This is particularly true when you're talking to a child or adolescent who blocks you out or when you have a lot of emotion about a situation.

We struggle as much with how to tell others what we need to say as with what to say and this is really important. No matter that we know we should listen as much to what's being said, we are tremendously impacted by the manner in which comments are made.

Individuals tend to shout when they perceive that the other person is not listening--as if volume will solve the problem, will make the other person hear us. The opposite is generally true, but it's very difficult to resist the tendency. If shouting or saying really ugly things is how you try to get others' attention, there's already a problem in the relationship. Neither of these choices increases the odds of you being heard.

If your boss yells at you and says you're an idiot, you probably get mad, too, but do you actually get what he's mad about? Do you even care? Yelling may gain some attention, but it doesn't usually help get the message across.

It's important to realize what's going on with you when you're delivering your message with non-functional heat. When you're yelling, what are you feeling? Simple question, but it takes some thought to work this out.

Usually when you're at the shouting point, your focus is on the other guy. He's the problem(the jerk!). You may even defensively say that he's making you yell. Don't let yourself buy this. I don't want anyone else that in charge of my emotions. No question that you're upset with the other guy; mad; furious; whatever.

You are in charge of you, however. You get to decide how you handle the problem in front of you. Yes, you're very impacted by others--at work and at home--but you're still in charge of yourself. Our society is founded on the shared belief that you're responsible for your actions. Others can't make you scream or hit the wall or throw a tantrum.

They can make you want to do these things, but you still get to be the king of your personal kingdom. (And if someone is this irritating to you most of the time, you might want to reassess the relationship.) I'm not suggesting you never raise your voice. Using strong words that actually say what your problem is, actually increases your chance of changing what you want changed. The first step, however, is to ask yourself what's really upsetting you. Don't just ask yourself once and glibly answer that they are upsetting you. Really dig deep.

Understanding your own reaction--your own feeling--will improve your communication. So will lowering the volume. We don't listen better to shouted words unless it's Fire!

We all want to be heard. But the louder and angrier we get in trying to be heard, the less likelier we are to actually get our message across. Try to remember this and don't give up. It's important for you to be heard.