DON'T STAY BECAUSE YOU "SHOULD"

"I'm writing to you because I've decided to separate from my husband of 19 years. We have one daughter together who will be going to college this fall and my other daughter (not his) is married with 2 children.

My husband was addicted to pain killers, Zanex, Oxycotin, crack and heroin. He had colon cancer and they got it all with his surgeries, but he had some other health issues that put in in contact with pain killers. His brother who lived close by was also addicted and they hung together. My husband collected SSI disability, not working. He has lied numerous times. Money and jewelry of mine and my daughter's were stolen from the house. Credit cards went missing and were used with new cards being opened in my name without me knowing. He took in the mail everyday and hid bills from me. I did not know what was going on until he and his brother were picked up by the cops. I had to bail him out of jail. Then, he told me the whole story. This had been going on for two and a half years.

He went to detox for 4 days, but didn't go to rehab. He stayed away from his brother and was good for 4 months. Then he started again--more money was stolen from the house and things were not going well. He must have felt guilty because he told me he had a problem again six months later. He went to a meth clinic, which seems to help him, but he still lies. He's not home all day and the house isn't cleaned. I don't believe a word he says.

My daughter loves him and I know she'll be mad if I separate from him. but I don't know if he'll go back to it. We rent my mother's first floor apartment and she's had enough of him already. He ruined my credit and we're filing for Chapter 13 bankruptcy. But as crazy as it sounds, he's a very sensitive, caring, loving and intelligent person! I truly believe he's ADHD. He was doing okay with the methadone clinic, but when he was with his brother the other day, his brother got into trouble. The brother went to jail and got released, but my husband's name was in the paper along with his brother. It was very embarrassing for all of us. He's not supposed to be with his brother, but he says he feels sorry for him, giving him a ride once in a while.

Now that I've told him I want to get separated, he's very upset. I feel bad, but I can't live with his back-and-forth life anymore. I need to clean up the mess of my live and move on. I feel guilty. He says he wants to try and he's doing good on his program, but the truth is that--with all the mess of the last 3 or 4 years, I don't have feelings for him any more.

Any thoughts?--"Sick Of It All

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Dear Sick,

I'd say this has been a tough decision for you, particularly since you still care for the guy even if you're not in love with him now. Relationships are challenging anyway. Dealing with the addiction issues and the stuff that comes with it--lies, stealing--is very, very hard. Having an addicted spouse is one of the most difficult situations. The roller coaster of them getting clean and relapsing can wear you out.

The thing is that love can die. If the cost of a relationship is more that what you get out of it, the relationship is no longer workable. You're daughter loves him--and you don't hate him most of the time--and that's completely understandable. It still doesn't mean you should stay with him.

* * *

I'm gonna say it again--no one but you gets to decide when you stay or go.

Your relationship is a very intimate, personal experience and no one else really knows the inside of it--your private experience--the way you do. Other people have opinions, of course, but these are necessarily based on an incomplete picture.

Clients ask me all the time if they "should" stay in their relationships. If children are involved, people often think they should stay for their kids. I get this. You want the best for your children. You love them and you're trying to be the best parent you can, but I don't think the concept of should fits this picture. Some couples with children can work things out. They still have enough connection to one another to salvage the relationship. Some don't.

Don't think your kids don't know how unhappy you are. They know. Even the young ones can sense the tension and unhappiness in the home. I've had children of conflicted couples tell me they wished their parents would divorce because the stress in the home was so high. Parents sometimes disagree with this, saying that they never fight with their spouses and that their kids are happy, but I ask then if they're role-modeling a healthy relationship for their children.

Having been married thirty-plus years, I know first hand that every relationship faces challenges. We're human and we all have things we need to learn. I'm not suggesting that jumping out of a relationship at the first sign of conflict is the best choice. Most individuals considering leaving their relationships have had problems in the relationship for a long, long time. They're just worn down and unable to continue the way they are.

The decision of what to do with your relationship is yours. Some come to counseling as a "last ditch" help. At that point, it doesn't usually help. Too much water has passed under the bridge.

Don't wait. Counseling can feel weird--telling your intimate feelings to a total stranger--but it can help you learn how to work through issues in the relationship. That's what makes the two of you stronger, learning how to find success together.

HOW DO YOU FEEL LOVED?

"I'm 28 years old and my husband is 48 years old. We met 4 years ago and have a 2 year-old daughter together. I'm so confused with our marriage. I love him, but I'm not sure how much more I can take. He has 3 kids from a previous marriage. Their ages are 26, 21 and 10. The ten year-old daughter lives with us since he has primary custody, but she has Down's Syndrome and he does everything for her! I mean everything--wiping her bottom, bathing her, brushing her teeth and carrying her around stores because she doesn't want to walk. I worked in a group home for adults with different levels of mental retardation and Down's Syndrome and they were all expected to bathe, cook, clean and some even worked(with supervision, of course). So, I know it's possible for her to be somewhat independent. I feel he's hindering her development by babying her so much. This takes time away from our alone time, which isn't so much anyway since he works two jobs. His daughter also has some very bad habits that are hard for me to understand. She plays with her poop in the restroom and is really rough with and mean towards our 2 year-old daughter. I've done research on Down's Syndrome to try to understand the condition a little better, but that didn't help.
There's also a custody battle going on with the ex-wife. My husband asked for child support a year ago and now she's trying to get primary custody. We are dealing with court dates and social studies. The ex-wife had caused many problems for us and she and I have even had confrontations that nearly got physical. I'm just so tired of everything and I'm not sure how much more I can take.
In addition, my husband's 21 year-old son hates me. He calls me bad names to my face and walks into our house without even saying hi to me. It's as if I don't exist. I'm not comfortable around him! I've talked to my husband about all this, but he gets upset as if I've hurt his feelings. I don't know what to do. Every day is a struggle for me. I want some advice on this. I resent the daughter now and don't even like being around her because of her gross behavior and the problems with the ex. I know it's not the daughter's fault that we're in a court battle and I know she didn't ask to be born with Down's Syndrome. I know it's wrong to feel the way I feel and that's why I'm asking for help. I hope I don't sound like a bad person"--Confused

*

Dear Confused,

You've got a couple of problems, both tracking directly back to dysfunctional communication with your husband. You're dealing with the challenges involved in parenting a disabled individual and with the issues that often come with the step-parenting role. Not all Down's Syndrome kids have the same challenges and same abilities, but it sounds like reality of your step-daughter's abilities can't even be addressed. You're right that many people with Down's can actively participate in many activities and they can often care for themselves with supervision.

It sounds to me that you married a caretaker. Your husband's life sounds like it revolves around taking care of others. You say he works two jobs and you imply that he's resistant to his daughter learning to do some basic things for herself. If he were open to hearing these observations, a loving partner could share them. You've tried talking about the issues and your feelings, but this hasn't apparently gone well.

From your mentioning yours and your husband's ages, I suspect you think this could play a role in the problems you're having. All relationships are challenging at times, but unequal relationships are even harder.

So here's the hard news--you and your husband need several serious talks about this relationship. It's not good that you feel so distressed in your own life. You need to share your feelings and concerns and he needs to hear them. He also gets to tell you his perspective--which will be very different from your own--and you need to listen to him. On top of all this, your husband needs to level with his adult son that his behavior in your home is unacceptable. Is your husband afraid that he'll lose contact with his son?

There seems to be a theme of your husband always bending over backward to "help" and be available to his children, but he's not really helping them by accepting their anti-social behavior.

Whether the two of you can have honest dialogue about all this is unclear. You may need an objective third party to help sort all this through. If so, get help soon because you seem to be near the end of your rope.

* * *

Do you know what triggers your mate to feel loved? I'm often surprised when clients can't answer this about their partners. Do you know when you feel loved? Valentine's Day is coming up soon and lots of money will be spent in an attempt to show love. Lot's of folks hate this holiday, saying it's a manufactured holiday, designed to get your money and there's some truth in this, but many love this celebration.

Still, to better target your gift--if you're a Valentine participant--you need to know the answer to what makes your partner feel loved. Some women love getting a splashy bouquet of red roses delivered to their place of work. This feels like a demonstration of them being loved, seen by all those they work with. Others hate cut flowers.

While some love special dinners and expensive gifts, these mean nothing to some. There are also individuals who struggle with their partners doing nothing on the "day of love."

So, what makes you feel loved? Many have to think about this.

Consider those times you've felt most cared for by your mate--was it when he got you something you hesitated to get for yourself? Or did he do something for you, even though he had to go out of his way to do this service? Different people feel loved differently. You need to know the ways in which you feel most loved and you need to listen to your partner. He may have a very different way of receiving this. For some, it's neither roses nor sex. They kind of expect that regularly.

This Valentine's Day can be a great experience...if you know your own and the other person's triggers.

DO KIDS OWE PARENTS?

"My divorced step-daughter and our grandson, who have been living with my wife and myself for six years, has recently become romantically involved with someong. She insists that she be allowed to have him sleep over in her bed. My wife and I are at odds over this. I am completely opposed to this. My wife says that because her daughter pays us room and board, it's none of my business if she wants to have her boyfriend sleep over. My point is that she is still living under our roof. If I say no, then I feel my wife should support me on this. I have made it clear that what she does when she has her own place is none of my business, but as long as she's living in our home, she needs to respect my rules. My rules say no sleep-overs until she's in her own home. My question is--am I wrong in my way of thinking? I would be very grateful for any insight on this matter."--Upset Step-Dad

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Dear Step-Dad,

I think it's time you and your wife got out of the Boarding House business. You and you wife don't disagree that her daughter is in charge of her own morals, but you don't want to be involved in these. You've got a point. She is an adult with a child of her own and she's in charge of deciding how she wants to conduct her own relationships. The problem is that she's not sleeping "in her bed." She's in your bed--your house, your comfort zone.

On a note that has nothing to do with her sexual exploits, it's also upsetting to have someone in your house in your down time. This guy isn't your relative. You could run into him in the night when you go to the bathroom!
It's time to suggest that for everyone's comfort, she find her own place. Warning, though, your wife might be trying to avoid this very thing. Have a talk with her first. She may be struggling with the idea of her daughter--and her grandson--leaving the nest again.

***

Do Kids Owe Parents?
Some individuals think of parenting as if they're lenders--they invest in raising a child and demand repayment when they enter their later years. From this thinking, kids are considered to be required to care for their aging parents because their parents raised them. They owe them. But this thinking has many problems. More and more people are facing expectations to care for troublesome parents with whom they've had complicated relationships.

In many families, the issue never comes up because of the nature of the relationship between adult children and their parents. Lots of people want to care for their aging parents and there's no sense of obligation for them. Sadly, this isn't true in all families. Some feel their parents failed them; some struggle with feeling burdened by the care of an aging parent.

Families are complex and the care of failing parents can involve many issues. These can be the result of unresolved problems in the child/parent relationship, but they aren't always rooted in parents' relationship with the individual in childhood. What if there has been a perception of discrepancy in the way money has been spent? An unrepaid loan to one sibling can be the source of resentment to the others. One sibling may have a very demanding career she feels has to take precidence over the issues of the other siblings. Others feel the burdens should be shared by all the adult children, not just one. What if the child living closest--often cited as "the most logical one" to take care of the parent--always felt the parent preferred a different sibling?

Like the rest of the large decisions in life, you have to decide what works best for you. Although this is a hot button situation for many, there are no hard-and-fast rules. Since you weren't consulted about being born into the family, you can't really be required to care for your parents.

It's not a contractual thing.

This is a personal issue and no one else can decide for you. Don't give yourself a hard time if you have mixed feelings. This may be a moment that sitting down with an objective third party would be helpful. Minister. Objective friend or therapist.

Think seriously about what's best for you.

HANGING ON (& BITCHING)

"My husband and I have been married for 16 years and have three children together. We have been through a lot of problems in our marriage. My husband is a very quiet man. We hardly talk to each other or go out alone together. If he goes anywhere, it's always around his family, but not where I want to go. Whenever I want to go somewhere, there is no money. Don't get me wrong. My husband is a great man and I know he loves me, but I really believe he doesn't like me. I am a very friendly person and I love to talk to friends. The only time my husband sees his friends is when he goes to church or church meetings. We are so different if I say white, he says black. Seven years ago, we joined a church where the pastor is my husband's uncle. I was happy, but I started to feel ignored again. He was always at church functions, but when I needed something, he wasn't available. If he did things for me, he did them in a bad mood.

Three or four years ago, I began not wanting to have sexual relations with him. For me, it was and still is, a terrible time. I don't even want to kiss him. I used to ask God to give me the love that I needed for my husband, but nothing has changed. At the beginning of last year, we got into an argument and I told him I was tired of his reaction towards my family get-together. He was always either inside the house or falling asleep or wanted to leave because church was the next day. He was not "bringing glory to God" because people were having drinks at the reunion and he didn't like to be there. I told my husband that I was tired and wanted to separate from him. We did and I stopped going to church. I started going out with my old friends. I felt free, even though we were still living at the same house. We were living separate lives. I really didn't want to be home. I was only there for the children. My children have started having some issues do to the fact that I was going out and people were talking and praying for me. My husband took me off the bank account as soon as I lost my job. I had no money, so I started selling food to get money and put gas in the car. My mom helped me some.

While I was going out, I met this man that treated me like a queen. He is the sweetest man I ever met, but at the same time, I was not divorced. I told him I wanted to work out my marriage. I told my husband that I will try again, but things are not as I thought. We don't talk. He always wants to have sex and I don't want to. Every time I am with him, I feel like yelling and crying. He touches me like I'm a piece of meat and I've told him many times not to do this. The only time he touches me is when he wants sex and I hate that. He says he loves me and that he only wants to be with me. I really want to love him, but instead I feel so unhappy. I don't know what to do. My children are very important to me and I don't want to hurt them. That's why I want to stay in the marriage. Besides, he is the only man I've been with for so many years. I don't know if I can even be without him, even though it's like we're only partners."--Upset Wife

*

Dear Upset,

You say your husband doesn't talk to you much, but I'm guessing you don't feel he listens to you, either. This isn't a sex problem. You guys have serious communication issues and things have gone pretty bad. You say he is a great guy and I sense ambivalence on your part. You don't hate him, but you will if you guys don't learn to actually talk to and hear one another. His seeking sex with you could very well be him trying to find some closeness with you. For some people, the physical connection is easier than talking. When you have sex with him, he probably feels like you're still connected. Still in the relationship.

Staying for the children doesn't do anyone any good. The family atmosphere has to be affected by the marital unhappiness. Middle school-age children have told me they wished their unhappy parents would divorce already.

Remaining in the marriage because he's the only guy you've been with or because you've been together a long time also isn't going to make you happy in the long run. But you've got a long-term investment with your husband. A lot of history. It would be smart to learn to hear his feelings, too. I know he doesn't talk a lot, but I'm guessing you're not great at listening when he does say things.

You probably both need to learn this skill. Look for a good counselor. If you don't have insurance that'll cover this, many agencies offer a sliding scale. You're all torn up about this decision. You need to have some assistance to sort it through.

* * *

Hanging On (& Bitching)

There are many good reasons to stay in a relationship. The skills required to be a good mate are the same ones no matter who you're with, so it makes sense to learn these--listening, really saying what you need to say, learning to work through conflict. If you don't, you'll repeat the same cycle in later relationships.

However, it's brutal to all to stay in a non-functional relationship when it's clearly not getting better. Some people do this not because they love their current partners, but because they fear being alone. They're not working to improve the relationship; they're just hanging on and griping about it. This typically happens when an individual has already finished with the relationship. They're done. Finito. Through.

Only the individual can decide this. No one has a right to tell you that you ought to stay or ought to go. This is totally your call.

Still, don't stay because you're afraid to get out on your own. It's the coward's way and you're selling yourself short.

SEEING PAST THIS MOMENT

"I just feel that my marriage is a big mistake and a failure after 22 years of marriage and having 5 children. I need your help on how to make corrective decisions to plan my life forward.

My wife and I are Muslim, living in Saudi Arabia. I am 45 years old and have a Ph.D. in Electrical Engineering. My wife is 41 years old with a high school diploma and a 1-year diploma in Computer Science. I work as a college professor besides having part-time company work and my income is above average. I spend my time between work and home. I have meals with my family everyday and help my children with their homework. My wife is a housewife. She spends most of the time at home and she has almost no friends to visit.

My problem is that my wife has never felt compatible with me or my family(parents and relatives). She doesn't trust me. She thinks that I will run after another woman. She is suspicious of my telephone calls and my work meetings. She doesn't like my being alone on the net or on a business trip, although I never have done any cheating(nonetheless, she knows that my religious tendency). Whenever we go out together, she keeps observing me. She is not happy with our life and she keeps complaining all the time about everything. She is not compatible with my thinking as she has no plans or dreams or hopes. She just thinks what to cook and what to dress!

This has been running for 22 years and it's a nightmare for me. I tried to compromise and avoid trouble to save my family. Several times, conflicts escalated to discuss divorce, but whenever we reach that point, she regrets it and is sorry, asking for pardon. But, I know that she is not convinced or satisfied. That's why she returns to her behavior after a couple of weeks.

I believe that I made a mistake to marry her from the beginning. I asked her to go to a psychiatrist or a family counselor to present our case to him, but she refuses, assuming that if she does so, then she is psychologically sick. Our life is going up and down and we never live one week peacefully."--Distressed Husband

*

Dear Husband,

I'll bet this is a nightmare for her, too. You have a history with your wife--not to mention the five kids--and this is both good and bad. You say you've asked her to go to a counselor. Why not go yourself first? You're unhappy in this marriage and that's never good, but you might benefit from looking at what you're contributing. I'm NOT saying this is all your fault. I'm just pointing out that it's not all her fault, either. The two of you need to learn to work through your issues.

You have a great disparity in education and in income-producing potential. This typically adds stress to a relationship. You mention that her life is mostly in your home, but some of this is attributable to things beyond her--the culture you live in doesn't encourage women to think beyond their homes and children. You mention that she has no hopes and dreams, but she's caring for a large family and this takes up a lot of energy.

You're right that it would be good for her to have friends. That eases much difficulty in life.

Whether or not you decide to get a divorce, you need to learn everything from this marriage that you can. You'll be a better partner for her--or someone else--if you learn to talk about your issues, not avoid them and just hope things get better. Learning to listen to her is very important. She has experiences and emotions that deserves to be listened to by you. Her jealousy and questioning you could easily have grown from the distance between you. She feels the estrangement as much as you do. She probably also is very aware of your growing disinterest in her. Since you and the kids are all she has going, she's even more threatened.

You can certainly leave your marriage. You know that this is an option, but leaving isn't typically a good option until you've gotten some professional help and taken every lesson from the relationship that you can.

* * *

Seeing Past This Moment

Whether you're anxious or depressed, unhappy in your relationship or grieving the loss of a loved one, you need to remember that this won't be your experience forever. Getting help from a therapist can help you learn how to get beyond your anxiety and depression. Don't think these are necessarily life-long issues. While you may have felt this way a long time and you have a hard time seeing your way out of this current distress, believing in a better experience is vital.

Grief can be consuming. The loved one is gone and will not return, but the wrenching emotions can shift into a more gentle loss. Learning how to grieve is important. You need to identify self-blame and check out the validity of this in the cold light of a rational viewpoint. A therapist can help with this. Relationship loss can lead to grief, as well. You need to both learn from this--no big endeavor doesn't involve some failure--and you need to forgive yourself.

Medication can be helpful in the short term. Never be ashamed of getting a script to help you while you're struggling. But learn how to fix the problem. Anxiety and depression can both be helped by a good therapist. You don't have to struggle with this the rest of your life.

You deserve better. You deserve a better future.

DO THE HARD (RIGHT) THING

"I am divorced with two children. My ex-husband and father of my children was very abusive (sexually, emotionally, verbally). He forced himself of me many times, called me horrific names, refused to support me in any way, would not work and would not celebrate holidays. When I had a baby die, he told me to get over it and get back to work. I had no financial support and was treated like an animal. I stayed because I desperately wanted to remain a family and not become a single mom/statistic until I discovered he was having affairs.

I've had trouble keeping jobs, even though I always kept a good professional position. I'd hop to another job within a year. I've been diagnosed with Bipolar II and PTSD. Because of my job history, I've never keep insurance long enough to see a regular counselor or psychiatrist.

I am now in a relationship with a man who has no children. This man has physically abused me. I am in school and I only have 7 months left. My current boyfriend likes to say that he's sacrificing to put me through school, but I pay half the bills and pay ALL my personal bills myself with student loans. I drive an old beat-up car that I paid cash for. He never offered to help me get a vehicle(even just co-signing), but he is now looking at a new car for himself.

Lately, I've been thinking about trying again to find a life partner and having another child someday. I want to experience a loving, functional family. As a result of all the traumas in my past(I'm also an adoptee), I have struggled with parenting and bonding with my two daughters. I know it isn't their fault, but I feel a lot of anger and resentment. I'm mad that their father treated me that way, but now has a good job, lives in a good area and has a great life while I'm struggling and depressed. I am questioning God and the unfairness of it all. My boyfriend says he doesn't want to get married. Although he was engaged before, he now says he doesn't believe in marriage. He says he never saw himself with children, but doesn't mind mine. I want to be able to raise a child as a mature adult with financial stability and a loving partner. He says he doesn't want to have children with me because I yell sometimes, I'm negative and I dread being a mother.

I know I have the ability to be a great mom. I was very organized and loving until I lost my jobs, lost a child, got divorced and was raped. I try to convince him that just because I'm not happy at the moment, doesn't mean I couldn't be an excellent mom, happy with job stability and a loving partner. We are at a standstill. I can't imagine looking back on my life and only having my two girls with that monster ex of mine. I want a family and at least one happy pregnancy. I am obsessed with families and jealous whenever I see a woman with a loving partner and a child. I cry daily and can't seem to get past the fact that my marriage failed. All I want to do is fix it by meeting a good man who loves me and my kinds and wants to give me what I never had. I am very sad that I've possibly waisted another 2 years in another relationship that isn't going to be happily ever after. What do I do?"--Abused

*

Dear Abused,

First off, don't get pregnant just yet. Second, find a good therapist who'll work with you on a sliding scale and get into counseling. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) alters perspectives and often leaves individuals longing to fix their emotional struggles by finding happily ever after. You've had multiple abusers and you say that your current boyfriend is also abusive. This is why you don't need to have a child with him--at least not now. Your obsession with families and your struggle to not resent your own children are indicators that you need to take care of you first.

Get into therapy. It is a well-known reality that emotional development stops at the age of first abuse. You're physically a grown woman, but you don't feel you've been loved or nurtured. Your aching for a family and another child sounds like you're trying to recreate the loving environment you yourself deserved when you were growing up. PTSD is driving many of your emotions now and it's important the heal you first.

* * *

DO THE HARD(RIGHT) THING

Choices set us free, but they're a bitch, too. Think about the thousands of small moments when you drank too much, ate too much, skip exercise, cut someone off in traffic(flipping them off when they honked) or stepped out on your partner. At that second, you just wanted to feel better, get where you were going or do to someone else what was done to you.

But none of these choices helped you actually feel better for more than a few minutes.

Finding the time to work out or NOT putting that extra charge on your credit card--these are the hard decisions. At this time of year, people over-eat, over-drink and over-spend, all in an attempt to feel better, to feel loved or to feel appreciated. Ever notice how many people buy new flooring and dining room furniture around this time of year? We dream of hosting wonderful family gathers in our decked out homes... Trying to feel better and to look good to those people who're supposed to want the best for us.

Do the hard thing. There are lots of opportunities. Take care of yourself financially and physically, it'll be good for you and for others, too.

FIND SOMEONE WHO LIKES YOU

"My mother and I have been fighting more and more lately. We used to get along really well, but after my brother got married a couple of years ago, things went downhill. My mom went over the deep end with her mother (who she does not get along with) coming into town, and my father and his wife coming to the wedding. My parents have been divorced for 30 years and my father has been remarried for 20, but my mother has never gotten over my father walking out on us. She is still very bitter and angry. My brother and I have tried to establish an adult relationship with our father, understanding that he wasn't always there for us when we were young, but we are moving on. This is a new phase. My mother thinks I am betraying her and she as accused me replacing her with my father's wife. I am 35 years old. I hardly need a new mother. Thanksgiving was terrible. My brother wants a happy family gathering, but my mother recently screamed at me that I am insensitive to her and that I am only seeing my father in a positive light, forgetting everything he has ever done.

I don't know how to stop fighting with my mother and I want a relationship with her, but if she can't stop yelling at me and blaming me for her misery, I may have to stop seeing her. We only live 3 miles apart. I feel terrible"--Troubled Daughter

#

Dear Troubled Daughter,

You and your mom have been close, which makes this breach even more difficult. I think you're on the right track. All relationships--whether these are relatives or not--need to benefit you or it makes no sense to stay connected.

You need to gain more from the interaction than it costs you. Still, it's very hard to cut off a mother with whom you've previously had a close relationship.

I think you need to talk to your mom about the relationship you want with her at this point. It's usually best to begin these conversations with a statement of how important she is to you. Tell her how much you love her and that you've enjoyed your previous closeness with her.

Then tell her that the issue of your current relationship with your father is yours to deal with. It's not her call. You're very aware of the past and you were certainly impacted by your parents' marital issues. How you choose to handle this relationship now is your decision. As you said, you're an adult. You don't need your mom's permission to interact with your dad. (I suggest that you refrain from discussing with your mother your relationship with you dad and his current wife. This may feel like you're hiding things, but it's not. Do you talk with her about every interaction you have? Every interaction with every person? Probably not.)

Your mom needs to know that it's inappropriate for her to continuously talk about your relationship with your father or for her to treat you as the enemy because you presumably are friendly with him. You're fully grown up. While she needed to parent you when you were a child, that's not a functional relationship to have at this stage. You have lots of adult decisions to make and you'll bear the consequences of these. Not her.

Your mom won't like any of this, but she doesn't have to.

* * *

Choosing the Right Partner

This is a problem for lots of people. You'll be better equipped to make good relationship decisions if you use two requirements:

Find someone who really likes you(liking is different from loving, BTW).

This is important because liking will carry you through the rough times that every relationship encounters. It greases the wheels of communication and helps with the tough times.

Find someone who helps you grow

Remember that scene in As Good As It Gets when Jack Nicholson tells Helen Hunt's character that she made him want to be a better man? That's what you're going for, a spouse or lover who helps you become a better person. Someone who helps you deal with your issues--even though these issues are annoying and you don't like your spouse much when he/she insists you deal with them. A relationship that helps you grow is a tremendously beneficial interaction.

Because individuals don't typically know how to resolve conflict in relationships, we have a tendency to choose "someone who's like me". This can be a big mistake. While sharing similar values is important, you need a balancing influence. Someone at the other end of the teeter totter.

If you have these two components and your values aren't too far apart, you have a significantly better chance of staying together...and you're probably have lots of fun, too.