LOVE, NOT INCLINATION

"I have been dating a guy for a year. My kids and I have been to every baseball game and basketball game to support his son. I have been to everything to support my friend. They have only been to one thing in support of my daughter. She has a pageant and my friend committed to be there 4 weeks ahead of time. Three days before the pageant, a baseball practice game is scheduled. He is the assistant coach and his son is a player. My daughter has talked about them being there for her. What should we do?"--Seeking Support

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Dear Support,

You need a more accurate assessment of this relationship. Did you and your "friend" agree to support one another's children in all their endeavors? I'm guessing he's big-time into his son's sports because he really enjoys sports. These clearly have priority for him. I think you need to understand that he may not view support the same way you do. He may have thought you came to all those games because you enjoy kids' sports. I'm guessing he doesn't have near the interest in pageants as he does in sports. You may think this is about supporting your daughter, but he probably doesn't see it this way.

Re-think what you're getting out of the relationship...and decide if you really want to go to the games. It looks like he's doing what he wants. Maybe you should do the same and not count on him to support your daughter in her activities.

If you want a mutually-supportive relationship in which both your kids' activities are treated as important, you might want to find another relationship.

* * *

My daughter is in another city for a six-week training and she left her kitty with us. Out of my love for this cat, I put Soft Paws on her claws. These are plastic caps that glue to the kitty's claws and render her unable to claw the furniture. (If she clawed the furniture, I'd love her less and yell at her more.) Declawing cats is a controversial way to handle clawing as it involves surgery to amputate the part of the paw that grows claws. I've done it both ways, but the Soft Paws have fewer complications for the cat.

More for me.

Envision this--I fill the pink plastic claw covers with glue. My husband deposits the cat into my lap and I wrap her in a beach towel. I'm just covering her front claws, not the back ones. I place a Soft Paw on each claw and hold her in the towel for five minutes while the glue sets. While I'm doing this, the cat isn't happy. She tolerates the procedure for a few minutes, then she tries to bite the hands that are holding her. We've done this awhile, so the cat's familiar with the process, even though she doesn't like it.

As is only natural, she tries to bite me to get free. She's actually not vicious in her biting, but I gently bop her on the nose when she does this, just to give her the message that I'm not for biting. When the five minutes is up, I let her go. We're both relieved.

This is love. Love involves doing what is best for the loved one, which isn't necessarily enjoyable for the one doing the loving. Anyone with kids knows this experience. Loving parents do what's best for the child, even when they don't like doing it. How many of you parents have held a thrashing child down while administering necessary, nasty medicine? I've done this. Out of love, we sometimes do things that don't bring anyone pleasure. At least, not in the short-term.

With pets and children, we have to assume that as the adult, we know better. We're the ones they rely on to feed them. We help clean up the messes. We make them follow-through when necessary.

This doesn't make us popular, but we still need to do it. Love isn't always about doing what feels good. Sometimes we follow-though because it's best.

RELATIONSHIPS ARE FRAGILE--DON'T COAST

I hear all the time that people want easy relationships. I get this, but I've never met a relationship that didn't have conflict. We all hate relationship conflict (except for the release of yelling and the exciting make-up sex afterwards), but conflict in relationship has an important function. That being said, it's often a tendency to find yourself coasting in your relationship. You can get to feeling too comfortable, too set for life.

Individuals don't want to fight or argue with their mates; they're tired of the tension. Who wants to fight with the person you're sleeping next to?

So you coast. You get into the seductive mindset that we'll be together always and you stop acting every day like you love your partner. This means forgetting to cherish his differences(although they sometimes make you crazy) and not putting much effort into acting like this guy matters a whole lot to you. Everyone who's in a relationship can tell you their partner's short-comings. These stand out and madden you all the time. I'm not saying that you need to act like your mate is perfect, but you're with this guy for a reason. (If you're only in the marriage for your children, you need to talk to a counselor immediately because no one's happy.)

Coasting means just getting through each day and never dealing with the issues between you. Resolving issues can help you both feel strong and capable. Relationship conflict sucks, but working these out to everyone's benefit makes you aware of your own capacities. YOU CAN DO AMAZING THINGS! Really. It feels that good. Not that you'll always be 100% happy with the resolution, but that in the process of addressing problems, you'll learn to see your partner's point of view and learn to help him see yours. You'll find workable options and feel closer in the process.

Coasting and not dealing with the problems allows these to fester and spring up to bite you in the tushie when you least expect it. It's a bad thing to think you'll be together forever because you stop working every day to convey to your loved one how important he is to you.

Even the strongest relationship doesn't come with a guarantee. They can end and they do all the time. Look around you. A relationship is a living-breathing reflection of the two of you. It grows and develops as you do. Look for opportunities to show--and to tell--your mate how much he means to you. He needs to do this, too.

Relationships that work make us better people, but don't expect this to be a breeze all the time.

SHOWING YOUR VALENTINE LOVE

"I'm a 37 year-old single mom. A year ago, I decided to leave my boyfriend of 7 years. I have a 9 year-old son he raised and he and I have a 3 year-old daughter.

After having my daughter, I was a stay-at-home mom. My boyfriend kept me home with no car. For the past 7 years, my son and I went through verbal and physical abuse. He would hit and kick my son, call him a retard, a dumb a** and a f***tard and much more. My son has hydrocephaly, has had two strokes, has ADHD and is the size of a 5 year old. When I would stand up for my son, my boyfriend would threaten and hit me. Every time I tried to call 911, he hit the phone out of my hands before I could dial.

He never liked our daughter crying, so I nursed on demand and she's slept with me since she was newborn. Now that we're not together, he sleeps alone with her and it bothers me.

Since we're not together, my son has no anger. My former boyfriend accused my son of touching my daughter inappropriately, but it has be found not to be true. He called CPS on my son, but they found nothing. They still want to take my daughter away, though, because my son and she watch cartoons together in her bed before they go to sleep at night. My son goes to his bed to sleep. My son is more into his toys than girls. He loves his sister like a brother should.

I love my kids and I don't know why my former boyfriend is doing this. We go to court this week. This was my weekend to have my daughter, but he wouldn't let me have her. Now he's in contempt of court. I just hate feeling like I'm wrong when I'm just trying to be a good mom. I lost all my friends because of him. He gets people to believe him. My lawyer said it will be okay. I hate seeing my kids go through this. I thought I did the right thing by leaving. Please help."--Hurt Mom

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Dear Hurt,
You know you did the right thing by leaving. The man abused both you and your son. Abusers often control their victims and demean them, as well as, hitting them. Even though dealing with him now is difficult, it's nothing compared to living with him.
He clearly has his own demons and that's sad, but you now have to build a life for yourself and your kids. I know this is not a phrase commonly heard, but trust your lawyer.

* * *

SHOWING YOUR LOVE

Crazy as it sounds, this isn't easy because our perception of love--what makes a person feel loved--is very, very individual. The Valentine Day standard of a mushy card, red roses and chocolate doesn't flip every one's switch. Some people dislike cut flowers, are allergic to roses and, believe it or not, don't like chocolate.

If you want to effectively express your love on Valentines, pay attention to what works for your loved one. Does he crave adventure and activity? Does she buy sexy lingerie for herself? If you've been together any time at all, you'll have some clues as to whether diamonds are a girl's best friend or if she'd rather have a puppy.

The key here is to listen to your mate, to notice what gets him or her excited. Sex can be a lot of fun, but it's not just a Valentine's need for most people. You need to go beyond the naked moment and ask yourself--and your lover--when she felt most loved by you. Some people loved being cooked for, but not everyone cares about this. The biggest challenge here is in moving beyond what works for you and thinking about what works for your mate.

My spouse has hit the gift-giving thing out of the park more than once in our relationship. He's also had some duds. On the other hand, he's a tremendously loving guy regularly. One of the moments when I felt most loved by him was a mundane, non-holiday event. Out of a concern for my well-being, he took our only garage door opener out of his car and put it into mine on an evening I'd be coming home late. Little things can convey your loving thoughts and these are very important. They don't just come once a year.

On the other hand, special celebrations can be fun and you need to have fun with your mate. Life is filled with challenging, irritating moments. Even if you're in a loving relationship, you sometimes feel alone. Sharing fun, intimate(emotionally and physically) moments gives us strength and peace.

So, figure out what works for you...and don't expect that to be the same thing that does it for your mate.

DON'T STAY BECAUSE YOU "SHOULD"

"I'm writing to you because I've decided to separate from my husband of 19 years. We have one daughter together who will be going to college this fall and my other daughter (not his) is married with 2 children.

My husband was addicted to pain killers, Zanex, Oxycotin, crack and heroin. He had colon cancer and they got it all with his surgeries, but he had some other health issues that put in in contact with pain killers. His brother who lived close by was also addicted and they hung together. My husband collected SSI disability, not working. He has lied numerous times. Money and jewelry of mine and my daughter's were stolen from the house. Credit cards went missing and were used with new cards being opened in my name without me knowing. He took in the mail everyday and hid bills from me. I did not know what was going on until he and his brother were picked up by the cops. I had to bail him out of jail. Then, he told me the whole story. This had been going on for two and a half years.

He went to detox for 4 days, but didn't go to rehab. He stayed away from his brother and was good for 4 months. Then he started again--more money was stolen from the house and things were not going well. He must have felt guilty because he told me he had a problem again six months later. He went to a meth clinic, which seems to help him, but he still lies. He's not home all day and the house isn't cleaned. I don't believe a word he says.

My daughter loves him and I know she'll be mad if I separate from him. but I don't know if he'll go back to it. We rent my mother's first floor apartment and she's had enough of him already. He ruined my credit and we're filing for Chapter 13 bankruptcy. But as crazy as it sounds, he's a very sensitive, caring, loving and intelligent person! I truly believe he's ADHD. He was doing okay with the methadone clinic, but when he was with his brother the other day, his brother got into trouble. The brother went to jail and got released, but my husband's name was in the paper along with his brother. It was very embarrassing for all of us. He's not supposed to be with his brother, but he says he feels sorry for him, giving him a ride once in a while.

Now that I've told him I want to get separated, he's very upset. I feel bad, but I can't live with his back-and-forth life anymore. I need to clean up the mess of my live and move on. I feel guilty. He says he wants to try and he's doing good on his program, but the truth is that--with all the mess of the last 3 or 4 years, I don't have feelings for him any more.

Any thoughts?--"Sick Of It All

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Dear Sick,

I'd say this has been a tough decision for you, particularly since you still care for the guy even if you're not in love with him now. Relationships are challenging anyway. Dealing with the addiction issues and the stuff that comes with it--lies, stealing--is very, very hard. Having an addicted spouse is one of the most difficult situations. The roller coaster of them getting clean and relapsing can wear you out.

The thing is that love can die. If the cost of a relationship is more that what you get out of it, the relationship is no longer workable. You're daughter loves him--and you don't hate him most of the time--and that's completely understandable. It still doesn't mean you should stay with him.

* * *

I'm gonna say it again--no one but you gets to decide when you stay or go.

Your relationship is a very intimate, personal experience and no one else really knows the inside of it--your private experience--the way you do. Other people have opinions, of course, but these are necessarily based on an incomplete picture.

Clients ask me all the time if they "should" stay in their relationships. If children are involved, people often think they should stay for their kids. I get this. You want the best for your children. You love them and you're trying to be the best parent you can, but I don't think the concept of should fits this picture. Some couples with children can work things out. They still have enough connection to one another to salvage the relationship. Some don't.

Don't think your kids don't know how unhappy you are. They know. Even the young ones can sense the tension and unhappiness in the home. I've had children of conflicted couples tell me they wished their parents would divorce because the stress in the home was so high. Parents sometimes disagree with this, saying that they never fight with their spouses and that their kids are happy, but I ask then if they're role-modeling a healthy relationship for their children.

Having been married thirty-plus years, I know first hand that every relationship faces challenges. We're human and we all have things we need to learn. I'm not suggesting that jumping out of a relationship at the first sign of conflict is the best choice. Most individuals considering leaving their relationships have had problems in the relationship for a long, long time. They're just worn down and unable to continue the way they are.

The decision of what to do with your relationship is yours. Some come to counseling as a "last ditch" help. At that point, it doesn't usually help. Too much water has passed under the bridge.

Don't wait. Counseling can feel weird--telling your intimate feelings to a total stranger--but it can help you learn how to work through issues in the relationship. That's what makes the two of you stronger, learning how to find success together.

HOW DO YOU FEEL LOVED?

"I'm 28 years old and my husband is 48 years old. We met 4 years ago and have a 2 year-old daughter together. I'm so confused with our marriage. I love him, but I'm not sure how much more I can take. He has 3 kids from a previous marriage. Their ages are 26, 21 and 10. The ten year-old daughter lives with us since he has primary custody, but she has Down's Syndrome and he does everything for her! I mean everything--wiping her bottom, bathing her, brushing her teeth and carrying her around stores because she doesn't want to walk. I worked in a group home for adults with different levels of mental retardation and Down's Syndrome and they were all expected to bathe, cook, clean and some even worked(with supervision, of course). So, I know it's possible for her to be somewhat independent. I feel he's hindering her development by babying her so much. This takes time away from our alone time, which isn't so much anyway since he works two jobs. His daughter also has some very bad habits that are hard for me to understand. She plays with her poop in the restroom and is really rough with and mean towards our 2 year-old daughter. I've done research on Down's Syndrome to try to understand the condition a little better, but that didn't help.
There's also a custody battle going on with the ex-wife. My husband asked for child support a year ago and now she's trying to get primary custody. We are dealing with court dates and social studies. The ex-wife had caused many problems for us and she and I have even had confrontations that nearly got physical. I'm just so tired of everything and I'm not sure how much more I can take.
In addition, my husband's 21 year-old son hates me. He calls me bad names to my face and walks into our house without even saying hi to me. It's as if I don't exist. I'm not comfortable around him! I've talked to my husband about all this, but he gets upset as if I've hurt his feelings. I don't know what to do. Every day is a struggle for me. I want some advice on this. I resent the daughter now and don't even like being around her because of her gross behavior and the problems with the ex. I know it's not the daughter's fault that we're in a court battle and I know she didn't ask to be born with Down's Syndrome. I know it's wrong to feel the way I feel and that's why I'm asking for help. I hope I don't sound like a bad person"--Confused

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Dear Confused,

You've got a couple of problems, both tracking directly back to dysfunctional communication with your husband. You're dealing with the challenges involved in parenting a disabled individual and with the issues that often come with the step-parenting role. Not all Down's Syndrome kids have the same challenges and same abilities, but it sounds like reality of your step-daughter's abilities can't even be addressed. You're right that many people with Down's can actively participate in many activities and they can often care for themselves with supervision.

It sounds to me that you married a caretaker. Your husband's life sounds like it revolves around taking care of others. You say he works two jobs and you imply that he's resistant to his daughter learning to do some basic things for herself. If he were open to hearing these observations, a loving partner could share them. You've tried talking about the issues and your feelings, but this hasn't apparently gone well.

From your mentioning yours and your husband's ages, I suspect you think this could play a role in the problems you're having. All relationships are challenging at times, but unequal relationships are even harder.

So here's the hard news--you and your husband need several serious talks about this relationship. It's not good that you feel so distressed in your own life. You need to share your feelings and concerns and he needs to hear them. He also gets to tell you his perspective--which will be very different from your own--and you need to listen to him. On top of all this, your husband needs to level with his adult son that his behavior in your home is unacceptable. Is your husband afraid that he'll lose contact with his son?

There seems to be a theme of your husband always bending over backward to "help" and be available to his children, but he's not really helping them by accepting their anti-social behavior.

Whether the two of you can have honest dialogue about all this is unclear. You may need an objective third party to help sort all this through. If so, get help soon because you seem to be near the end of your rope.

* * *

Do you know what triggers your mate to feel loved? I'm often surprised when clients can't answer this about their partners. Do you know when you feel loved? Valentine's Day is coming up soon and lots of money will be spent in an attempt to show love. Lot's of folks hate this holiday, saying it's a manufactured holiday, designed to get your money and there's some truth in this, but many love this celebration.

Still, to better target your gift--if you're a Valentine participant--you need to know the answer to what makes your partner feel loved. Some women love getting a splashy bouquet of red roses delivered to their place of work. This feels like a demonstration of them being loved, seen by all those they work with. Others hate cut flowers.

While some love special dinners and expensive gifts, these mean nothing to some. There are also individuals who struggle with their partners doing nothing on the "day of love."

So, what makes you feel loved? Many have to think about this.

Consider those times you've felt most cared for by your mate--was it when he got you something you hesitated to get for yourself? Or did he do something for you, even though he had to go out of his way to do this service? Different people feel loved differently. You need to know the ways in which you feel most loved and you need to listen to your partner. He may have a very different way of receiving this. For some, it's neither roses nor sex. They kind of expect that regularly.

This Valentine's Day can be a great experience...if you know your own and the other person's triggers.

DO KIDS OWE PARENTS?

"My divorced step-daughter and our grandson, who have been living with my wife and myself for six years, has recently become romantically involved with someong. She insists that she be allowed to have him sleep over in her bed. My wife and I are at odds over this. I am completely opposed to this. My wife says that because her daughter pays us room and board, it's none of my business if she wants to have her boyfriend sleep over. My point is that she is still living under our roof. If I say no, then I feel my wife should support me on this. I have made it clear that what she does when she has her own place is none of my business, but as long as she's living in our home, she needs to respect my rules. My rules say no sleep-overs until she's in her own home. My question is--am I wrong in my way of thinking? I would be very grateful for any insight on this matter."--Upset Step-Dad

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Dear Step-Dad,

I think it's time you and your wife got out of the Boarding House business. You and you wife don't disagree that her daughter is in charge of her own morals, but you don't want to be involved in these. You've got a point. She is an adult with a child of her own and she's in charge of deciding how she wants to conduct her own relationships. The problem is that she's not sleeping "in her bed." She's in your bed--your house, your comfort zone.

On a note that has nothing to do with her sexual exploits, it's also upsetting to have someone in your house in your down time. This guy isn't your relative. You could run into him in the night when you go to the bathroom!
It's time to suggest that for everyone's comfort, she find her own place. Warning, though, your wife might be trying to avoid this very thing. Have a talk with her first. She may be struggling with the idea of her daughter--and her grandson--leaving the nest again.

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Do Kids Owe Parents?
Some individuals think of parenting as if they're lenders--they invest in raising a child and demand repayment when they enter their later years. From this thinking, kids are considered to be required to care for their aging parents because their parents raised them. They owe them. But this thinking has many problems. More and more people are facing expectations to care for troublesome parents with whom they've had complicated relationships.

In many families, the issue never comes up because of the nature of the relationship between adult children and their parents. Lots of people want to care for their aging parents and there's no sense of obligation for them. Sadly, this isn't true in all families. Some feel their parents failed them; some struggle with feeling burdened by the care of an aging parent.

Families are complex and the care of failing parents can involve many issues. These can be the result of unresolved problems in the child/parent relationship, but they aren't always rooted in parents' relationship with the individual in childhood. What if there has been a perception of discrepancy in the way money has been spent? An unrepaid loan to one sibling can be the source of resentment to the others. One sibling may have a very demanding career she feels has to take precidence over the issues of the other siblings. Others feel the burdens should be shared by all the adult children, not just one. What if the child living closest--often cited as "the most logical one" to take care of the parent--always felt the parent preferred a different sibling?

Like the rest of the large decisions in life, you have to decide what works best for you. Although this is a hot button situation for many, there are no hard-and-fast rules. Since you weren't consulted about being born into the family, you can't really be required to care for your parents.

It's not a contractual thing.

This is a personal issue and no one else can decide for you. Don't give yourself a hard time if you have mixed feelings. This may be a moment that sitting down with an objective third party would be helpful. Minister. Objective friend or therapist.

Think seriously about what's best for you.

HANGING ON (& BITCHING)

"My husband and I have been married for 16 years and have three children together. We have been through a lot of problems in our marriage. My husband is a very quiet man. We hardly talk to each other or go out alone together. If he goes anywhere, it's always around his family, but not where I want to go. Whenever I want to go somewhere, there is no money. Don't get me wrong. My husband is a great man and I know he loves me, but I really believe he doesn't like me. I am a very friendly person and I love to talk to friends. The only time my husband sees his friends is when he goes to church or church meetings. We are so different if I say white, he says black. Seven years ago, we joined a church where the pastor is my husband's uncle. I was happy, but I started to feel ignored again. He was always at church functions, but when I needed something, he wasn't available. If he did things for me, he did them in a bad mood.

Three or four years ago, I began not wanting to have sexual relations with him. For me, it was and still is, a terrible time. I don't even want to kiss him. I used to ask God to give me the love that I needed for my husband, but nothing has changed. At the beginning of last year, we got into an argument and I told him I was tired of his reaction towards my family get-together. He was always either inside the house or falling asleep or wanted to leave because church was the next day. He was not "bringing glory to God" because people were having drinks at the reunion and he didn't like to be there. I told my husband that I was tired and wanted to separate from him. We did and I stopped going to church. I started going out with my old friends. I felt free, even though we were still living at the same house. We were living separate lives. I really didn't want to be home. I was only there for the children. My children have started having some issues do to the fact that I was going out and people were talking and praying for me. My husband took me off the bank account as soon as I lost my job. I had no money, so I started selling food to get money and put gas in the car. My mom helped me some.

While I was going out, I met this man that treated me like a queen. He is the sweetest man I ever met, but at the same time, I was not divorced. I told him I wanted to work out my marriage. I told my husband that I will try again, but things are not as I thought. We don't talk. He always wants to have sex and I don't want to. Every time I am with him, I feel like yelling and crying. He touches me like I'm a piece of meat and I've told him many times not to do this. The only time he touches me is when he wants sex and I hate that. He says he loves me and that he only wants to be with me. I really want to love him, but instead I feel so unhappy. I don't know what to do. My children are very important to me and I don't want to hurt them. That's why I want to stay in the marriage. Besides, he is the only man I've been with for so many years. I don't know if I can even be without him, even though it's like we're only partners."--Upset Wife

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Dear Upset,

You say your husband doesn't talk to you much, but I'm guessing you don't feel he listens to you, either. This isn't a sex problem. You guys have serious communication issues and things have gone pretty bad. You say he is a great guy and I sense ambivalence on your part. You don't hate him, but you will if you guys don't learn to actually talk to and hear one another. His seeking sex with you could very well be him trying to find some closeness with you. For some people, the physical connection is easier than talking. When you have sex with him, he probably feels like you're still connected. Still in the relationship.

Staying for the children doesn't do anyone any good. The family atmosphere has to be affected by the marital unhappiness. Middle school-age children have told me they wished their unhappy parents would divorce already.

Remaining in the marriage because he's the only guy you've been with or because you've been together a long time also isn't going to make you happy in the long run. But you've got a long-term investment with your husband. A lot of history. It would be smart to learn to hear his feelings, too. I know he doesn't talk a lot, but I'm guessing you're not great at listening when he does say things.

You probably both need to learn this skill. Look for a good counselor. If you don't have insurance that'll cover this, many agencies offer a sliding scale. You're all torn up about this decision. You need to have some assistance to sort it through.

* * *

Hanging On (& Bitching)

There are many good reasons to stay in a relationship. The skills required to be a good mate are the same ones no matter who you're with, so it makes sense to learn these--listening, really saying what you need to say, learning to work through conflict. If you don't, you'll repeat the same cycle in later relationships.

However, it's brutal to all to stay in a non-functional relationship when it's clearly not getting better. Some people do this not because they love their current partners, but because they fear being alone. They're not working to improve the relationship; they're just hanging on and griping about it. This typically happens when an individual has already finished with the relationship. They're done. Finito. Through.

Only the individual can decide this. No one has a right to tell you that you ought to stay or ought to go. This is totally your call.

Still, don't stay because you're afraid to get out on your own. It's the coward's way and you're selling yourself short.