IN PRAISE OF FOSTER PARENTS

Lately, foster parents have been getting really bad press, what with cases like Jerry Sandusky molesting the foster kid he adopted. The foster system isn't always pretty. There certainly are bad people in the system and some are just trying to get money, housing foster kids for the cash, but I feel the need to point out that foster parents often do a very difficult job. These people take into their homes the traumatized and challenging children who are often victims of parental drug abuse, suffering trauma, neglect and sexual abuse. They've typically seen some very scary things.
As a therapist, I work with foster kids, but after sessions, I get to go home to my sane home. This isn't true of foster parents. They're truly on the front lines. They deal with troubling, annoying, frustrating behaviors from kids who are struggling. Some parents foster throughout their adult lives, beginning when their own kids are young. They bring into their homes the battered and disadvantaged among us.

Yes, some foster parents are bad. I've heard about some really sad situations. But the greater majority of people who foster, do it because they want to help to kids who've never known what it is to be valued. Too many children do without basic parenting, often not having food, suffering from fear, abuses of various kinds and being exposed to every level of crime.

By it's very nature, childhood is a vulnerable, often powerless time. Even kids from loving, invested homes must deal with the fact that they're smaller and weaker and they need us grown ups. Talk about a power differential! No wonder they can be a pain in the neck. They're trying to find a voice and sometimes this can be in really frustrating ways. Just ask a parent who's kids won't eat, sleep or go poop where they're supposed to. Maddening.

Anytime a person is weak, they try to find some way to feel power. It's natural.

Add this to the mix of bad behaviors that foster kids have seen and you have a difficult parenting situation. Foster parents take kids into their home and love them. This means following through to give consequences for good or bad choices. This means knowing that who peed on the floor isn't as important as helping them clean it up. It means not worrying about trying to get the kid to tell the truth when you saw them make the mess with your own eyes. This kind of loving really requires looking past the present behavior and trying  be part of the solution, instead of trying  to decide who's right. It also means consistency and reliability, things that most foster kids haven't had.

I think most foster parents deserve the highest respect. They aren't perfect, but they're doing vital, life-changing work.

DRIVE OR DRIFT?

You're a grown up now. You don't have summers off to swim and play and now you have to find your own path. So do you drift or drive?
When college graduates get a degree and move out into the world, they often have big debt, but no real direction. This is difficult, considering the job market, and even more sad when individuals have chosen college majors poorly. The issue of what career path to take is a very personal matter and it's often complicated by our lack of knowing ourselves.

We don't really know what's most validating for us.

Some have grown up in the current bubble of childhood where parents work hard at getting you to play dates and sports activities. You may or may not have learned the value of work. Lots of people hate having to clock in and put their noses to the grindstone. Some just don't know which grindstone is best for them. This confusion and reluctance can lead to a bad case of personal drift.

Early work has been frowned upon and legislated against since children were forced to work the fields at young ages. This was a legitimate concern. Good childhood development requires unstructured time to play. (Actually play time is important to adults, too. Sadly, adult play not usually refers to situations involving alcohol or pot, rather than actual play.) But just as important as play is the opportunity to work as a teen.

In the best of worlds, teens get to try on various jobs to see which they hate and which they like. They need to find their own directions and this kind of "job trial" helps. Hanging out in a video arcade just won't provide these benefits.

Years ago, when my own daughters were teens, summers were long and they were looking for a way to earn some pocket change. This was the scenario that led to my younger daughter doing a few plumbing jobs with her father. Lots of moms and dads have jobs that don't allow them to bring their kids along, but Roger's did.

When this daughter came home after a day spent crawling through the mud under an old house, she announced in a deadpan voice that now she knew she didn't want to be a plumber.

Aside from the amusing aspects of this pronouncement, it showed real learning. We need to know what we hate and what we love if we have any hope of choosing fulfilling career paths. Getting a handle on where you want to go, helps you to drive toward this goal. Not that we don't need plumbers--we all do--but we want happy plumbers. Those who like their jobs and don't mind crawling under houses, even if this isn't their favorite activity.

After a day of this kind of work, my daughter knew to stay in school. Often when people come to counseling, trying to find the right career path, we start off by listing the things they don't like. This narrows the field.

To create the life you want, you need to know what works for you. Which king of setting is most comfortable and fulfilling. All jobs have irritating moments. Which irritations are you willing to put up with because of other things you get out of your work.

Do you want to drive or drift? Work that fits really well may just come to you. You may drift into a perfect spot. Some people do. But for the rest of us, learning how to drive toward goals is important.

So, find what works for you, even if you have to put up with a heck of a lot of school to get there.

DON'T BE A SIDELINE DAD

We all know that parenting is a very difficult job, but its not very commonly addressed that moms have a bigger role than dads. In previous eras, some moms stayed home and focused on keeping house and parenting the children in the families. Dads made the money and meted out discipline, as in “Just wait until your father gets home.”

When bottles were given and diapers needed to be changed, moms did it. Even in this day of diaper changing stations in men’s rest rooms, it’s not uncommon to see the moms toting the baby carriers, sitting the young child’s high chair next to mom during meals out at restaurants and talk of fathers’ “baby sitting” their own children.

Research repeatedly tells us that fathers are very important to their children. Having an active, involved dad influences whether kids go to college and  has a significant impact on emotional and social wellbeing. Dads matter, but just being in the home won’t produce the good things in kids. Children need to have active parents. Fathers often involve themselves in their kids’ sports activities and this can be great, if dads remember that the point of kids’ sports is the kids experience. It is unfortunate that parents—moms and dads—get so wound up in the winning and losing that their childrens sports end up with the parents yelling at and belittling their children.

Being an active, involved dad means more than going to the kids’ games. Ask about their school experience and offer yourself to assist if the child is open. (Remember, your childs’s academic attainments are not about you; they are about your child learning how to handle life.) You actually need to interact with your children about a variety of things. Play with them—some people love playing games with their children, some love watching kid-friendly television together.

My husband was a rough-and-tumble play dad. Research also tells us that dads are more likely than moms to engage in this kind of play and this was certainly the case in our family. Roger really played with our kids. He’s a very kinesthetic person—a physical guy—and my girls learned to both play and watch sports with him. When they were small, he tossed them in the air and caught them with great ease and skill. My daughters talk fondly of playing with dad.

I came from a very different parenting background. My father was a hard worker who had little time for a girl. He supported our family financially and he was a great provider, but he was a sideline dad, leaving the actual child care to my mother. I loved Roger playing with our girls. I sat and applauded and took lots and lots of  pictures.

Kids need active dads. Don’t just think of yourself as a paycheck. They need you to be in their lives, laughing and playing. Disciplining them when this is called for. They need you and you’ll get a thousand tremendous moments from sharing yourself with them.

 

Roger flipping Ferrin

NEVER SATISFIED?

In our culture, it's a common belief that being satisfied is a bad thing. We equate this with not having initiative or with being lazy, but personal satisfaction has many more benefits than risks. Being satisfied with the accomplishments you have doesn't have to indicate that you're not still yearning and seeking new and exciting ventures.
Never being satisfied implies a constant state of unhappiness or dissatisfaction that's as bad for your physical health as if is for your mental health. It's also hard to be in a relationship with an individual who is unfulfilled and discontent. Think about it, do you like being around individuals who can't accept their own accomplishments? Compliments and congratulations seem to be thrown back in the giver's face.

We all have responsibility--and power--to create our own lives to a large extent. There are a range of situations and challenges that we all face, but you get to choose what you do with your energy and your time. Craving new challenges and new adventures is a good thing, but having an inaccurate view of your past accomplishments only means you struggle to accept certain personal realities. Accepting your achievements doesn't at all mean that you're bragging or discounting other people.

Embrace who you are. Over-confidence or needing to point out what you have or what you've done--these are signs of low self-esteem. They also don't make other people like us, but it's also not attractive to diminish your accomplishments and deny your successes.

Appreciate and acknowledge your achievements. It just gives you the energy to be the person you want to be.

FAIL-SAFE KIDS

Hi Dr,

I am from India, am going through a real tough time now with my family and spouse. I could not make any decision and am totally confused. Can you please help me providng some suggestion.

*

Dear India,

Since you didn't mention what issues you're dealing with, I can only address your struggle to trust your own decisions. This can be very difficult if you've made mistakes (we ALL do this) and if you struggle to have faith in yourself.

Decision-making can be difficult, particularly if you believe you must always make the right decision. We all have moments that, if we had the opportunity to live them over, we'd make a different choice, but you need to consider that even the wrong decision can lead you down a path of learning.

I hate paths of learning, but I'm committed to getting all I can out of my mistakes, so I don't need to repeat them. The only way to learn everything we can from the difficult situations is to stop condemning ourselves long enough to really look at the situation as objectively as we can. Continuing to abuse yourself only stops the process.

Here's the bottom line--trust yourself and don't beat yourself up over decisions that don't work out perfectly. Perfection isn't the goal. Becoming a better person is the reasonable hope.

***

FAIL-SAFE KIDS

We've developed an ernest desire to produce kids who never have to struggle the way we've done. In this mission, we often try to function so that our kids don't face the challenges we did. This is understandable, but don't kid yourself that your children won't struggle at something. That's just in the nature of life, and struggle isn't fun, but it can be very productive.

I see a number of parents who have found themselves in the dilemma of having marriages that don't work and yet, wondering if they should stay in these "for the children". First of all, don't believe the idea that kids don't know you and your mate are having a hard time. Most kids know. I've even had some adolescents tell me that they wished their parents would just divorce already. Living in a strained parental relationship is no fun.

Some people want to be very different than their own parents and that, too, can be very understable. But staying in an unhappy, acrimonious or strained relationship doesn't mean you're being a good parent.

Fix it or leave.

This is very simple, but I know very well that relationships are difficult and it takes two people to really resolve conflicts. Sometimes one or the other just gets tired of the struggle. If you're in this kind of situation, you may wonder if staying for your kids is necessary.

I think raising kids is best with a parental-unit, but not all parents know how to be a unit. You may parent well together, but you need to learn how to work through conflicts or you're missing out on the greatest gift parents can give their kids. Life requires us to know how to resolve conflicts. This is a messy, sometimes painful process. No one comes through difficult situations without getting a least a little frustrated and saddened.
This is true for your kids, too. Sometimes they win; sometimes they don't. Just make sure you're doing your best not to get in the way of their learning.

IF HE'S NOT LEFT HIS WIFE...

"I dated a wonderful guy. He proposed and, while I initially accepted, I later gave him back his ring. After 3 years of trying to be patient with his views on his finances, I left the relationship. In the beginning he was living in a basement of a female he 'knew', but once we started taking a liking to each other, he moved out of her basement and moved in with his mother. At that time, he had no job and didn't want a 9-5 job. He had no desire to have place of his own [or to work], but he desperately wanted a family. Over time, he got his associates degree in criminal justice, found a job and his own place. One of the things I never knew about until he proposed, was his credit score, or lack thereof.
I was floored to find out he was over 100K in debt over unnecessary stuff(repo vehicles, credit cards, etc). There were years he didn't pay his taxes and, at one time, his townhouse was foreclosed on. His attitude was that he was proud that he was able to even get the credit in the first place. I was shocked and I felt my financial peace was threatened. I was raised in a crime-ridden, drug-infested neighborhood. My siblings and I vowed we would never go back to being poor again, which is one of my greatest fears. Once I found out about his credit, I wanted a prenuptial agreement. He was very upset and hurt about this.

He then asked me to co-sign a car loan for him and, when I refused, he said that if I loved him, I would do it. He then got a new job, but didn't have a start date. He was not told how long before his new employer started him working. In the mean time, he was spending money like he had an income. I decided this was too much and I ended the relationship. He just didn't get it and told me that he just wanted to do things his way. He's since got a start date on the job, which is only part time. He says he now has a plan to get out of debt. His attitude is new. His thoughts are new and he has a written plan that he's sticking to.

I desperately want to believe him. I've been to counseling and I offered it to him, but he refused, so I went alone for about six months."--Desperate Unengaged Woman

*

Dear Desperate,

Go back to counseling to get some support. You and this guy don't have the same money values and relationship success is based on shared values, as well as, the tingle you get when you're with him. Some women have no issue with supporting the man who is raising their family. (Men did this for a long time.) But you two don't have a family to raise and you want a partner who shares your money attitude.

Of the five big issues in relationship--money, sex, children, religion and in-laws, money is the biggest. This is the conflict that most frequently brings of couples into therapy. In reality, money isn't the real issue. Learning how to really hear one other, allows couples to come to resolutions that enables them to move both forward.

This guy doesn't share your money values. He's shown over and over that he has a different attitude toward both work and money than you do.

If you do decide to marry him anyway, talk to a lawyer. A prenup doesn't always protect from a mate's credit issues. You need to check state laws on this, as they vary.

*   *   *

IF HE'S NOT LEFT HIS WIFE, HE'S NOT WITH YOU

Relationships end. This is just a reality, and it can be a relief or a sadness. Sometimes both. Even so, those who are involved with someone who is married to someone else need to confront the truth of the situation. If your love interest is married to someone else--and a divorce isn't underway--you can't say he's with you.

Lots of people are choosing to avoid legal ties, but lots of people are getting married, too. Divorce is still very much a reality.

Dating while married doesn't leave a person open to any other commitment. Never allow yourself to believe your engaged to someone who's already married to someone else.

I DON'T WANT TO KNOW....

The parents of adult children often come to see me in great distress over the choices their children are making. They usually want me to convince their kids of the error of their ways and I get this. These parents have lived longer and often have seen that some choices lead only to heartbreak. The harsh reality here, though, is that adult children are just that--adults. They get to make bad choices, even though their parents are pained by watching them struggle with the consequences.
As a parent of adult children, sometimes I just don't want to know things about their lives. This sounds bad, but if I can't change--and shouldn't have the right to change--their scarier choices, I don't need to be closely involved in these. It just brings pain and distress with no benefit.

Adults have the right to direct their own lives. They get to choose bad mates and make poor career choices. They even get to be bad parents. It's a freedom that you may hate sometimes, but they deserve to direct their learning paths. Remember when you were growing into independence? Your parents probably had a lot of advice for you and, even if you later owned to the validity of what they said, you resented it at the time.
We all get to make our own mistakes, even those with horrific consequences. Watching someone you love do this is very painful. This is why I advocate selective involvment. Whether your sister is in a bad relationship with a man who yells at her and calls her demeaning names or your son is leaving what seems to you to have been a loving mate--you don't get to make the big calls in their lives.

Still, sitting by and watching all this can be extremely difficult and we need to protect ourselves from unnecessary distress. Step back. I'm not suggesting total abandonment. I just think you need to refrain from asking questions you don't want the answers to. You also need to avoid harping on changes you think they need to make: don't say things over and over. I know you only do this because it seems they aren't listening, but people don't listen to repeated interventions, either. They just tune you out.

Try to find a middle ground. Be loving and supportive, but not directive. Lots of parents of adults tell me with indignation that their adult kids seem to need direction and I know how frustrating it is to watch people make bad choice after bad choices.

You still need to keep from saying anything, unless directly asked and, even then, make sure the asker really wants to hear what you think. Roger and I are the parents of two very intelligent girls who've both made bad relationship choices, at times. We've had to bite our lips and just keep quiet.

The truth is that your continued harping on these issues just gives your loved one a distraction--they get to focus on you and your dislike of whatever(or whoever) their doing, rather than focusing on their own actions. If you hug them and stay somewhat involved in their lives, but don't tell them what to do, you are acting as if you believe in them. I know believing in them is hard, at this point, but if you really look inside yourself, you do believe in them. They have the capacity to direct their lives, even if they're not doing a great job at the moment.

Love is about allowing the other person to learn what they need to learn. After all, they need to know they can stand on their own feet, that they are strong and capable.

This kind of love is a gift...and it can be very difficult for the giver.