FIGHTING ABOUT THE SMALL STUFF

Dear Dr. Doss,

I hope you are able to see this email because I really am in need of help. I cannot understand my father. I've always tried to. Whenever I want to tell him something, I hesitate because he's so narrow-minded that he doesn't respect my opinion on things. He does not let me finish what I have to say and he will just interrupt me while I'm still talking to get through his point without even trying to listen to my opinion. I tried to help myself, but I couldn't. My dad interrupts and yells his point at my mom and us kids when he disagrees with what we have to say without letting us finish it. I just wish he would be calmer in speaking. I really do not know how to deal with it. I tried to talk to my dad about it, but narrow-minded as he is, he will not let me finish my say on it,  and will ultimately interrupt and yell his opinion. He says he is the "superiority" and that I have to respect him as long as I live with him. But I want to live together with him always, yes, but that doesn't mean I want to be dictated by him, or not be able to express myself forever because he will not listen to what I have to say and will just try to make me hear what he has to say. He interrupts me while Im still expressing my feelings to him and isn't calm enough to answer nicely. Please do give me some advice. I will appreciate it very much. 

Frustrated Daughter

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Dear Frustrated,

 

Some parents don't realize they're alienating their kids by beating their chests and declaring that they are the boss "until you leave my house." Most of these people don't feel like the boss, even when they're lecturing to their kids. I have to say, though, that I don't think you can change your dad. At this time, he has all the power and you need him to keep providing you with that roof to live under. Because parents feed you and watch over you when your small, they often feel they should have the right to decide everything that happens in the home.

 

What most of us parents have a hard time realizing is that this job has a term limit. It won't last forever. Yes, he'll always be your dad, but when you reach adulthood and independence, you get to make your own choices, regardless of what he wants. If you're over eighteen now, you may need his help to get through your education until you can earn your own keep.

 

At this point, however, I recommend you speak calmly, even when he rants. Don't yell back. It won't help and might make matters even worse. You might try listening to your father's complaints as if he were someone else's dad. This distance can help you to see his point. Most of the time when we yell, it's because we don't feel heard. Maybe your dad isn't feeling understood or listened to. Rather than defending yourself (which is a very strong urge), echo back to him his observations and concerns. I.e, "I know you'd like me to clean my room up more" or "I guess it doesn't seem like I listen to you."

 

Neither of these responses actually admits anything, but maybe he'll shout less if he thinks you're listening to him.

 

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FIGHTING ABOUT THE SMALL STUFF

 

Very commonly couples who come for therapy say their fights are usually over the small stuff. They have difficulties getting along, but can't quite say why they're arguing. These couples agree about the bigger issues, but squabble and fight over things that shouldn't be that important.

 

When you have this kind of pattern develop, you're usually struggling with how to manage disagreements or you have big issues you don't see how to resolve. Either way, learning to communicate more effectively can help you smooth things out.

 

When you're at this point in a relationship, you generally feel blocked on all levels. While you probably still have the same daily lives, these bumps in the road never get settled and they often pop up over and over. This is when you need to look at the listening part of your interaction. While lots of folks complain that their partners don't listen, it's harder to see when you're not listening, either. You may think your listening, but it doesn't do much good if your partner doesn't feel listened to. So, rather than looking for ways to change your lover, start with changing yourself.

 

It's harder than it sounds. If you didn't care about your partner, you probably wouldn't even by addressing this. You care, so put your energy where it will do the most work--start with changing you. This listening gig is more difficult than it seems like it should be because when your mate begins expressing him or herself, a lot of words that seem like accusations get thrown around. You, then, feel an overwhelming urge to defend yourself against whatever has been said. You want to explain.

 

Please fight to resist this urge. Whenever you're explaining something to your mate, he doesn't think you're listening to him--which is usually true. So, shut your mouth and actually listen. She won't get everything right and she'll totally misread many of your actions, but you need to hear how she feels and what she wants.

 

Reflect these observations back to him--tell him what you think you heard him say to you--even if you don't agree. Later, after you've worked hard to hear what he's saying to you, you can tell him how you feel. Remember not to make accusations that will then prompt him to defend himself, thereby putting you back into the same situation.

 

Listen and reflect. Then express your feelings and perspective.

 

Then, when it's really important, you'll know better how to fight about the big stuff.



 

 

NO SEX? CANARY IN THE COAL MINE

When you have trouble in the relationship, it often shows up in sexual dysfunction or a major dimishment in sex, overall. Few of us like conflict with the ones we love, but this is unavoidable. You share your most intimate moments--and your money--with your mate. Throw in the challenges of parenting or step-parenting and family-of-origin issues and you see the issues that exist in relationships.

You naturally have different thoughts and emotional reactions to different things and don't think you just need to find a mate who is just like you. First off, that would be really hard, since you're unique. Secondly, you need a different perspective in life to help balance you out and thirdly, resolving conflict actually strengthens relationships. It's like working out--straining your musles--helps build them.

So, you want to accept relationship conflict and you want to learn to resolve it. This is a big, big deal. You want to find a decision or choice in these conflicts that takes both your concerns into account. Not knowing how to do this is the most significant problem in relationships. It's what sinks many marriages.

An indication of significant lack of issue resolution is a major reduction in sex. Not having sex is like the old tale of when coal miners took canaries into the mines with them. If the air was getting bad, the bird would die while there was still time for the miners to get out(hopefully). Think of this as an early warning sign.

When you and your partner stop having sex, this is usually an indication of unresolved conflict between the two of you and whatever is going on, needs your attention. As with most things, it's not absolute. Illness can cause a reduction in sexual enjoyment, as can various major life stresses. However, if you have this level of stress too long, it'll effect you on many levels.

Going months without sexual enjoyment of one another is an indication of something that needs attention. If you've not had sex with your partner for years, you really need to look at what's going on between the two of you.

This is one of the challenges of the various ED drugs. While these can and are used to treat physical issues that are genuine and distressing, erectile difficulty can also signal unresolved relationship problems.Before you deal with this by popping a pill, make sure you and your mate have good communication on the issues facing you.

You deserve to feel good with your partner and you deserve great sex. Finding resolution between the two of you might help with both.

HE PULLED THE TRIGGER

Last week, a boy in his twenties that my daughter went to school with shot himself dead. He’d been depressed for some time. Because I know his parents, I’m fairly certain that they got help for him.

They still blame themselves for his actions.

 

As parents, we have a lot of impact on our kids. When they’re younger, we hold their physical lives in our hands. We feed them, care for their needs and wipe their tears when they skin their knees. Almost every parent can tell of a rush to the ER; of a night spent watching over a sick child. We are also often the ones they turn to when unhappy things happen. We get their anger and their sadness. This caregiving, watchful role is huge. Parenthood is one of the biggest jobs on this earth. Parents are huge in their children’s lives. As a result, Mother’s Day is one of the biggest gift-giving days of the year.

Just think of how many athletes mouth the words “Hi, Mom” when the television camera pans their direction.

But the parent-child relationship is very complicated. One of the hardest aspects is that, as the child grows into adulthood, we parents aren’t making the choices any longer. This is to be celebrated—we want them to become their own people—and it’s often difficult, too. Children come into this world with minds of their own, just ask anyone who’s tried to make a child eat or poop when he doesn’t want to. As they grow, kids have larger and larger choices to make. Some of these scare the heck out of their parents.

You can warn them of the dangers of driving too fast, of drinking and driving or of getting in the car with a driver who’s been drinking. You can talk about safe sex or abstinence and warn them of the physical/emotional risks inherent in sexual behavior. You talk about stranger danger when they’re young and you encourage them to tell you if anyone uses “bad touch” with them.

But you can’t make them follow any of these directions. When they’re underage, you can install monitoring devices in their cars, when they start driving, but that’s about it. Kids get to make scary choices. They make bad relationship choices (which you also did when you were young) and some make bad career/educational choices.

It’s very important for parents to remember, though, that you can’t make decisions for adult children. You don’t have this power. You can’t be completely responsible for their successes (although you may have contributed in some way) or completely at fault when they fail. They are independent people, even if they love you. You are only responsible for what you do, for your actions in the parenting role, your choices. This is big enough, as any parent will tell you.

You can’t blame yourself for their actions. It is terrible, but it’s not your fault if he pulls the trigger.

THE PROBLEM WITH KIDS...

We parents have a tendency to judge whether or not we've done a good job by how our kids are doing. But that perspective ignores the very real fact that our children have minds of their own. They make choices and, particularly when they're adults, those choices determine what they do with their lives.

But we stubbornly feel that when our kids do badly, we must some how be responsible.When people do really good things or really bad things--like the theater massacre in Aurora--that their parents are somehow to blame. There is no question that as parents, we have a lot of impact. Massive impact. This doesn't mean, however, that our children don't determine their own futures.

Raising children is incredibly complicated. They yell "no!" at you when they're two years-old and stubbornly refuse to pick up their shoes when they're twelve.  They're always there when you have your most difficult moments; always underfoot when you are most frustrated. This is in the nature of the job and sometimes the job sucks. It isn't for everyone.

No matter how we look at it, you can't assume complete responsibility for how they turn out.

Parents tend to torture themselves if their kids fail to flourish or if they do awful things, but we as parents can only be responsible for our own actions. How you lived and parented is more a reflection of you than how your child decides to function eventually. Confession Moment--I happen to have two daughters who are pursuing major education. One is earning a Ph.D. in psychology and the other is training as a medical doctor. Big goals. There are moments when I'm asked if I'm proud of them and I always hesitate in my answser. On the one hand, they are each very successful in their educations and will probably be terrific in their future jobs. On the other hand, I can't pat myself on the back because of their achievements. They've both worked really hard to get where they are and they've both dealt with big challenges along the way. (Sadly, they'll both graduate with a mountain of education-related debt, too.) Even though they are terrific people, they've made choices that have been seriously painful for me. They have the right to direct their lives and, because I love them, I care about their lives.

I applaud their successes and rejoice in these, but I can't take responsibility for them. I feel good about my part in their achievements--I made sure they learned to read well. This took some doing, but we met with success. I was massively determined to help in this area and I feel really good about what I did. There are parenting moments I don't feel as good about, too. We all have these.

Whether children who grow into adults do well or fail miserably, we parents can only give ourselves credit or grief for the role we played.

SCORCHED-EARTH DIVORCES

When a marriage ends, people typically have lots of emotions. Sometimes the relief they feel is mixed with sorrow; the anger and loss can be mixed with excitement. Life will definitely be different. Sadly, some individuals turn these feelings into rage, particularly if they didn’t want the marriage to end. Then, we can end up with divorces that leave nothing behind, but destruction.

 Loss leads to rage and even rational, usually functional people can turn into beasts.

If you’ve been involved with one of these situations, you know what I’m talking about. Lawyers love you because you’ll spend enormous amounts of money to keep a much-loved pet from an ex or a vacation home that the two of you shared.  This kind of divorce is filled with powerful emotions and it can lead those involved to taking drastic steps.

Scorched-earth divorces make headlines and sometimes in the grip of this loss, people commit felonies. Losing love is hard. It feels like a chunk of your soul has been torn out. The distress and loneleness you feel seems more bearable if it turns to rage against another person. This kind of anger indicates how much pain is inside. Relationshiops are complicated and challenging, but how you leave can directly affect your ability to move forward.

No matter what the other person has done, your most important concern is yourself. You want to move forward and to do this, you need to examine your own behavior. It’s easier to see the other person’s bad choices, but marriage is a 50/50 deal. Even if only by what you didn’t do, you contributed to the relationship. Learn the lessons you need to learn if you don’t want to be here again. Look at yourself in the cold light of day and ask yourself what you’d do differently, if you had it to do over. 

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“Dear Counselor,

I’m totally stuck.

My husband since recently wants me badly to get divorced just because he feels we got married so early(we got married when I was 21 and he was 23) and we didn’t taste anything in life. He says he wants to start a ‘new life’ and doesn’t wanna get married till he is fully satisfied with his desires. He says he wants to be free to do whatever he wants and doesn’t wanna be worried that someone is waiting for him.

Except financial problems, we don’t have much problems.

We live in a traditional country and since I already have one sister divorced, my mother doesn’t let me get divorced, too. What should I do?”—Totally Stuck

*

Dear Totally Stuck,

You mentioned what your husband has said he wants and you told me what your mother wants, but you didn’t say what you want. This is important. Your mom’s feelings are understandable—she’s concerned with her own reputation, I’m guessing—but isn’t this your choice. Did your sister need her approval to end her marriage?

As determined as your husband sounds, I can’t see how this could be a good situation for you. Being married to someone who doesn’t want to be married to you isn’t any fun.

You asked me what I think you should do, but I think it’s most important for you to ask yourself what you want to do? Unless this will be bad for you, end the marriage if it isn’t working for you. Even in a traditional country, you can’t live to please your mother.

IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP DETERMINED BY HISTORY?

When counseling with individuals about relationship problems, I frequently hear, "We knew each other since we were kids. I've known him(or her) forever." This is almost invariably uttered when clients attempt to tell me why they're still in a troubled relationship. (I always ask why people have continued these involvements, as their answers can be revealing to both them and me.) In some cases, they simply tell me that they love their partners and can't imagine life without them, which is a good place to start from.
This sense of shared history feeds large chunks of Facebook users and gives some a sense of continuity and security--even when there was no security originally and the history is deeply flawed. Somehow, having known an individual for a period of time seems to link folks together, even when what they've mostly shared is trouble. They feel connected. The stories abound of couples reunited after years of pursuing other relationships. People meet again at reunions; they track each other down via the internet; they meet again by chance. The reason for the original split may have been forgotten, may no longer exist or they simply might have been young and needed to gain life experience.

Even when you weren't friends--years back--with someone you knew, the sense of time can link you.

This time-linked phenomena can work against people, too. Parents grieving the loss of a child may separate because memories of the living child--and reminders of the painful loss-exist everyday with the other parent. Parents often split after the death of a child. It's just too painful.

Memory-connections typically bring comfor, though. Even when that comfort isn't valid and you aren't safe. By all means, fulfill your urge to connect to your past--but don't forget what actually existed there and don't assume that history won't repeat itself. In fact, you should assume that this is a possibility and if you've had a conflicted, difficult history, look before leaping.

Be aware of making sure the things that initially troubled you are now different, either in yourself of in the other person. You might have been young and stupid. Maybe you didn't recognize gold when you saw it. Maybe the other person made mistakes they now regret. If so, this needs to be said. Ignoring old ghosts can bring you to an even greater sorrow.

Clear the air and realize that history doesn't determine anything. The choices you both make now can bring you joy or regret. Shared history can be a lovely thing, giving you lots to talk and reminisce about. It can also be harsh. Protect yourself by checking to see which is which.

DON'T GIVE UP YET

“Dear Dr. Doss,

I am 19 years old and currently living alone right now. I live in Texas, but I'm originally from California (where I'd rather be). For several years since I moved to Texas- around my freshman year of high school- I've felt like my family has... drifted apart. I've heard that that's normal... but to me, it doesn't seem that way. My mom remarried sometime last year and her new husband is a great guy, however, every time I've tried to have a conversation he'd make a joke about it. My younger brother is 15 years old; he's doing okay, but I feel like I don't really know him anymore... I know it's because he's a teenager, but it's getting harder for me to get along with him. My point is, ever since my grandpa passed away several years ago and, I guess, since my mom, brother, and I moved to Texas, we've been acting less and less like a family. We don't do the things we used to do, we rarely talk to each other, I always feel like no one's interested in what I have to say, and around the holidays.... I feel like the only one who's having fun. I've thought about counseling before, but my family acts like this is no problem; that everything is fine right now. I also don't know how to bring it up without starting an argument. I wish I could tell them what's on my mind, but... it's tough. What do you think I should do? I'm starting to run out of options. “—Wanting to Understand My Family * Dear Wanting, I’m sorry this is such a difficult time for you and your family. You heard correctly. Some family drifting apart is normal when teens reach your age. The structure of parents/children is different as the kids near adulthood. Growing teens need to separate from parents as they get ready to launch into being adults and many parents have put their own needs on the back burner to raise their children. Sometimes this is a rough transition for everyone and siblings are in the middle, with everyone trying to figure out the lives they want. Your family has also had some big changes—the loss of a grandparent and a move to another state. These can have a major impact. It may seem like your mom and step-dad are less involved—less connected to you—and they probably actually are. The life phase ahead of you is filled with uncertainty and, often, self-doubt. It’s not just your family, you’re different, too, even if you don’t want to be. This scary time is the moment for you to invest in yourself. Go to school. Get a good career foundation and don’t make any relationship commitments for a time. Don’t get married right now and don’t have a child. These may feel like anchors when you’re blowing in the wind, but you don’t need to hide. You’re okay even if you don’t feel that way. This awkward moment won’t last. You and your brother will develop a new rhythm, as will you and your mom. Believing in yourself when you feel scared is really hard, but the scared feeling isn’t the full picture. You can do this…and your family connections will probably just rearrange themselves. Give it some time and don’t feel you need to “confront” anyone now. Nothing good will come of it. * Don’t Give Up Parenting Adolescents can be a real pain. They don’t pick up their clothes, expect you to cater to them and act like they don’t care about anything. As a parent, this is a maddening time. Some kids make big, bad, scary choices, even though you’ve warned them. You may have poured yourself into the parent role, given until you aren’t sure you have anything left to give. You probably feel like it’s time to put yourself at the top of the list. You’ve given your kid a cell phone(may need you in emergencies) and maybe even a car. He’s got friends and school activities and he probably seems like he doesn’t need anything more from you than the occasional cash infusion and clean clothes. Still, don’t stop parenting. He’s facing huge decisions and he needs you now more than ever, even if the little jerk doesn’t act like he appreciates you.  Ask your kid about his life and his friends and his interests. Go to movies with him(if he’ll have you), even if you have no interest in the movies he likes. Occasionally watch with him the television shows he watches. Ask about his plans for the future. It’s tempting to lecture about all this, to share your hard-earned wisdom and to tell him what he should do next. Don’t. He’ll just tune you out. This is the hardest part of parenting—the part where you need to believe in him. I’ll say it again because it’s so massively important—Believe in him. Even if he makes stupid choices and drives faster than you’d like, he’s a smart cookie. He needs to know you see him this way. He needs to see himself this way. It may help him to stop and consider his choices. Don’t try to smooth his consequences(as a parent, this is hard) because he needs them to learn this way, not that way. Love him fiercely and position yourself on the sidelines. You’re the cheerleader now, you don’t need to rush into the game.