EXTRACT LEARNING FROM MISTAKES

"I would like some advice on a situation that happened 20 years ago. When I first started dating my wife our children, my 10 year old daughter and her 12 year old son had some sexual acting out.

We immediately took action and sent the boy to a treatment center for a year. My daughter went through five years of counseling in her teens for other reasons but the acting out was discussed. It involved oral sex and my daughter tells me now it was aggressive behavour on my step sons part.

The problem is this, she is now going to have a child and does not want her step brother to be around the child. I feel like I am in the dark. I did not think two children acting out could be called sexual abuse but she is insistant that is what happened. That she is the victim and he the predator But her stance to split the family over it does not seem healthy.

I of course want to be sensitive to my daughter but I do not want to be subject to emotional black mail. If she is truly dealing with this, she should be healing and forgiving.

At the same time I am having a problem with the monster she is making her step brother into when they were both kids at the time and it seems different to me than an adult and a child.

Please advise me of how I should view the situation and what healing steps to take."

*

Dear Dad,

 

First off, I want to commend you for sending your step-son for treatment. This is a very difficult situation for everyone, but getting him help was smart.

 

Secondly, the state of Texas(where I'm located) considers it sexual abuse/assault when there was at least a two-year age difference between the victim and the perpetrator. According to the law, this wasn't just "sexual acting out" between kids. Your daughter was a victim. Children are very aware of the power differential when someone is older they are. (This is why they lie to their parents, at times.) The difference in age meant that she felt less powerful than he and unable to stand up to him.

 

Irregardless, the issue here is one family member being uncomfortable around another.

 

You can't just tell her to get over it. Healing isn't necessarily visible on the outside. I think forgiveness is often mistaken for us acting as if the offense never happened. She doesn't need to let the situation control the rest of her life. She may have decided to allow the laws of the land and the universe to deal with him. However, it's possible to move on and not cling to the victim stance without welcoming the offender back into your life. Actually, it usually makes more sense.

 

I recommend that you not insist on seeing your daughter and grandchild when your stepson is there. Respect her experience and make other arrangements. This shouldn't be a big deal. With family members being strung across the country and adult kids having multiple family obligations, parents often have multiple holiday celebrations.

 

**

 

 

EXTRACT LEARNING

 

Bad things happen in every life. Sometimes we make the wrong choices and we live to regret these, but the important thing is to learn from every one of these bad situations. We can't avoid slipping and falling. Sometimes we handle our parenting situations all wrong. We do something stupid at work. We really foul up our relationships.

 

Guilt and regret are the by-products of poor choices, but don't let these feelings get in the way of your learning. It's a sad fact that humans don't generally learn by someone telling us stuff; we have to make the wrong choice before we understand that it's the wrong choice.

 

When you do something stupid, there's a lesson to be learned, something important to take from the situation. If you spend your energy on wishing you'd done something different (understandable, but not helpful) or hating whatever lousy thing occurred in your life, you miss the lesson that's there for you. Every choice you make has consequences. Some of these consequences are wonderful and terrific. Some aren't. Before you give yourself heck for the bad choices you've made, take some time to examine the moment.

 

What was going on with you at the time of your bad choice? If you respond that you're just stupid or that you must have had your head up your posterier, then you're still struggling to get to an objective point of reference on this thing. Everyone screws up. Repeat this, Everyone screws up! There's no perfect life, no human being on this planet who hasn't messed up. Doesn't matter how smart you are, we all make bad choices.

 

Then try your best to look at what was happening to you when you messed up. Were you anxious, frustrated, unhappy with your job or your marriage, feeling like your actions didn't matter, anyway? I'm not recommending you find excuses, but that you take into account the full picture. I'm not saying It's okay that you did this bad thing because you were upset. We've already established that the choice had unfortunate consequences. Not okay! You don't want this result again.

 

If you really want to move forward, to take all the learning you can get from the choices you've made. We are fortunately pretty good at generalizing learning, so we don't have to make every bad choice in the universe. So, look at your experience and try to understand what was happening in your head. The more you understand, the more you can ensure that the bad thing won't be chosen again.

 

Then forgive yourself. Again, not saying that it's okay when the choice obviously wasn't okay, but that you're okay. Every one of us have difficult times, days when we feel crabby and unhappy, times when we're not totally focused. Even those of us with big jobs, big responsibilities and big expectations.

 

Forgive yourself by understanding the experience you were having and the situations into which you put yourself. Learn what you need to learn, then give yourself a break.













IT'S OKAY TO QUIT

"My mom and dad divorced when I was two. My dad physically abused my mom, so she took me and left. They tried again a few months later and the abuse escalated. He broke her glasses, pulled her hair, slapped her and pushed her down. They separated for about 13 years. Then later when I was 15-16, I got curious and wanted to meet him. We got in contact with his mother and then he came to visit. They jumped right back into a relationship after my mom had told me they wouldn't. I got upset and he left because it was just a visit.

Fast forward 5 years again and my mom is trying a 4th time with him. They jumped back into the relationship and it's not working. They fight almost every day. For a long time, he didn't look for work, he sat in the bed and watched TV and movies all day everyday. He drove my mom around for work because she had to give up her car. They fight and yell all the time. I left to stay with a boyfriend for awhile, thinking they might do better without me. They didn't. They still fought and abuse one another. My boyfriend and I broke up and I came home. Things got even worse.

All they do is fight. Dad blames her and then she blames him, getting worse and worse until we all started abusing each other. We've all still been trying to do anything to make it work. We tried family meetings, tried typing up how we felt about everything and what all of us need to work on as a family. Our last shot is counseling.

I've gotten to the point where I just want my dad to leave. He's threatened to leave 3 times since he's been here and my mother wants him to leave, too. Every time they fight or all of us fight, he comes in the next morning, crying or trying to make up and says he's really trying to change. I think the situation is too volatile for my mom or I to be near him, but he says he has to stay here, refuses to go.

What do you think? Do you think he should leave? He continues living here, but doesn't pay rent, instead spending his money on toys. I want him gone, I've made that extremely clear. Please respond as soon as possible."--Please Help

*

Dear Daughter,

 

You know he needs to leave. If your dad's name is on the lease, however, your mother can't kick him out. If the physical abuse is on-going, your mother and you can go to a shelter and she can file charges on him. Even if the abuse is no longer physical, this is a bad situation. Even if your mother's or your name is on the lease, you need to seriously consider breaking it. No one should live in the distressing situation you describe, even if it's not always bad, it's still bad.

 

I don't know your exact age, but you're obviously an adult. If your mom doesn't get out of this mess, you need to consider your own safety. You can get out of this insanity and make a life for yourself.

 

 

##

 

IT'S OKAY TO QUIT

 

Somehow we've gotten the crazy idea that it's bad to quit even bad situations. While kids probably need to stick out a season of baseball--if they wanted to sign up--most other things that don't work for you, don't work for you. It's only smart to change course, if doing so is in your best interest.

 

The don't be a quitter philosophy has major limitations. Yes, you need to learn to stick out difficult situations, if there's something to be gained by it--some skill to be learned, some course to be passed or a lesson to be learned. But misery is misery. There had better be a good reason for it.

 

If you don't like a situation, a job, a career or a marriage, then get out. Those bad situations that can't be fixed, need to be changed. This gets more complicated when we're talking about a relationship and kids, but the problems need to be fixed--get professional help. No shame in this--or you need to get the heck out.

 

Survival may be fun to watch on reality television, but it's not good to live your live like you're running a marathon. Your job, your living situation and your relationship all need to benefit you, in some way. Living your life like you're in an endurance contest is draining and demeaning. You need to learn to stick out tough times only if you're actually getting something out of this. There's no badge of courage for sticking out an unhappy marriage.

 

You deserve better. Some things, some situations and some people deserve to be quit.  





THE PERFECT WEDDING DAY?

Much has been written about bridezillas and the "its-all-about-me" attitude that some women have when it comes to planning a wedding. Let's be honest, though, most of us like being special, feeling the focus of those around us. For some reason, guys don't have the wedding fantasy. They've grown up with fantasies of throwing the perfect touchdown in the big game or being the hero that saves the day.

Some women speak of having dreamed of their perfect wedding ever since they were girls. Everything from the wedding showers with loads of gifts to the beautiful dress are part of the fantasies, but this life event--joining your life with someone else--is about way more than the wedding. Planning a big wedding is usually exhausting and family issues often come into play. Beyond the drama trauma of all this, you have to decide how to be married. How to be a couple.

Unless you married straight out of school, you've created an independent life of your own and you probably haven't had to "report" to anyone. For some individuals, being a couple feels like it requires this because you're not just you anymore. What you do and don't do, where you go and who you go with and how you do or don't spend your money all effects your mate. When you're part of a couple, you have to consider more than just your preference.

Getting comfortable with this--heck, knowing how to do it!--is a learning process way beyond picking out a china pattern.

Lots of people enjoy watching House Hunters on T.V. Sure, looking at the various houses is interesting, but you can also see the challenges of melding two lives into one. In truth, learning the mindset of really being married takes a while and some couples never get there. The conflicts cluster around decision-making. When you're a committed couple--whether legally married or not--you have to find a way to  make decisions jointly.

These are the moments you'll really feel married. It has nothing to do with the kind of flower arrangements you decide to have at the church or what cummerbund the groomsmen wear. You'll have a thousand moments to work together--big and little--and you'll find that both of these stir emotions in you.

I never felt more married than when I signed my (married) name a hundred times at the closing on the first house we bought. Joint efforts like buying a house and having kids(or not) will help you become the couple you've chosen to be. You have a zillion personal moments--how you handle your education or your job--and you'll have that many moments to become a couple. You get to decide how you handle your family-of-origin; you and your mate will decide if you have a family together(through adoption or gestation).

Becoming a couple is a process and it can encourage you to be a better version of yourself--or not. Only you can make these decisions and this is right in that you'll be the one experiencing the consequences of these, good or bad.

MOVING ON?

Only you can decide when you’re ready to leave a relationship. Lots of people will have opinions and they’ll share these with you without any encouragement. Some will tell you should stay(to give it another chance/for the kids/because it’s best financially) and some will tell you to leave(you’ve given it enough chances/the kids shouldn’t be traumatized by your fighting/it’s best financially). Ignore them (even if they have big degrees). Although some folks say these things out of genuine concern for you, you’re the only one who can make the decision to end your relationship.

But don’t end one nightmare just to jump into another one.

Too many folks make the difficult decision to divorce and then fail to learn everything you can from the situation. When you end a relationship—particularly one in which you’ve invested a lot—you put a lot of thought into the decision. Even if you’re hurt and your significant other has done awful things, you generally think about it for more than a minute before walking out.

After you make this tough choice, you’ve got a life to put back together. Maybe you’re concerned about your kids; maybe you and your ex work together. Moving on has challenges of its own. People usually come for counseling when they’re trying to decide whether to go or they’ve decided to go already and they hope counseling will somehow make their soon-to-be-ex partner happier with the situation. The latter situation is usually very non-productive. The primary reason your soon-to-be-ex come for sessions is that s/he hopes you’ll change your mind and the relationship will get happy again.

Breaking up involves lots of details. Where you live, how the money will be split and where the kids(if any) will live. It’s understandable that you’d find this part difficult. (Don’t get me wrong—the hassle of leaving is a lousy reason to stay.)

There’s another part, though, and this one is really important. After you find yourself a new place and get moved into it and change your name on your driver’s license and passport(if you changed it in the first place), you need to think hard about why this marriage didn’t work. Why the relationship failed. I’m not suggesting you engage in a period of self-abuse; this is counter-productive. But if you don’t want to keep repeating the same cycle of hope and failure over and over, you need to learn everything you can from this one.

Think about it as the Gift of divorce.

You’ve probably gone through a long period of difficulty. This may have drug out way too long. Relationships don’t fail overnight. You’re tired. You may feel ready to date again and the last thing you want to so is think about your past, failed relationship more.

However, before you start dating that cute girl or guy that your friends introduced you to, you might want to get an accurate, objective(as much as you can) picture of what happened with the last one. I have lots of people come see me before they separate or divorce, but not many see the value of changing their part of the problems before they embark on their next romantic endeavor. Take some time and look at your own stuff—the kind of person you picked or the way you handled conflict(or didn’t handle conflict) or the work you need to do on issues from your past.

You deserve a shot at making the next relationship work. Give yourself a chance.

LAST DITCH EFFORT

Hello Dr. Doss,

I have a question/problem.  I'm not sure anymore what I should be doing or not. I have a 22 year old son that lives at home and the past couple of years he has gotten in trouble and had to be in jail for 1 year, now he has been home for 3 months on parole and is trying to get his life together.  My son has tried applying for jobs and once the employer runs his background check, its over..no call back no job offer.  So we took another path, I paid for my son to go to a trade school, not much money but hopefully it will help him get a job.  Meanwhile, my household has gone very stressful... my spouse feel that I should not give my son any financial support.  He feels that because when my son was in jail and I chose to hire an attorney that that should be the end of any financial help to our son.

 

My son's parole officer said he could get ebt (food support) until he gets a job.  So my son went and did this. He gets $200 a month in ebt, and as soon as he gets this he tells me to go buy food for the household. Great, I do appreciate it.

 

My spouse feels that our son should hand over this $200 because of all the money "I" spent on the attorney and that I should not give our son not one penny for personal spending, such as haircuts, shoes, clothing... I chose to give my son $75 a month for his personal needs and my spouse lost his mind when I told him this. He said I should not give him a dime...he was mad because my son said that maybe he would buy a ticket to go see a game that cost $20. I told my son as longs as he knows that it would be coming out of the $75 I give him and that he would have to budget himself the rest of the month.   

I felt that $75 a month is not much and as long as my son does not use the money for reckless reasons, he should be able to go get a hair cut, buy a pair of shoes when needed or a shirt or under-clothes. 

I'm not sure anymore whats is right or what is wrong..

How I see it is; I chose to hire the attorney, my son told me not to and he was just used a public defender. But I have seen how most public defenders work. They just need to get the cases closed and nothing matters. So I hired and paid for the attorney. My spouse did not give one cent to pay for this and because I chose to hire the attorney, it should not be a reason for me to stop helping my son.

I'm not sure anymore who has the issues.  I am trying to be the mediator between my son and his father, but its getting harder everyday. My son gets upset when my spouse starts yelling at me because of things that I don't agree on, and I'm worried that because of this father/son conflict, my son is going to get so frustrated that he will fall into trouble again.  Now if he gets into trouble because he is out there hanging around with a bad crowed and doing things he shouldn't be doing...that would be his problem and I would not feel any blame to that.  But if he gets frustrated with the way his father treats me and the tantrums his father has when he doesn't agree with what I feel, and then my son goes out and gets in trouble, then I would feel the perhaps i could have prevented that.

I really need your help...not sure what to do any more.

Concerned Mother

**

 

Dear Concerned,

 

First off, your son's choices are his own. His father's behavior cannot cause your son to get into further legal trouble, unless your son makes this choice. I can't say that strongly enough. What he does or doesn't do isn't your fault or your husband's fault, even if you have conflict between you.

 

Secondly, I can understand why his father is angry. You and your mate aren't acting as a team on any of this. Despite your husband's different opinion, you've made choice after choice to help your son. It is very difficult to watch your children make bad choices and to sometimes have to deal with injustices. As parents, we're accustomed to fixing things for our kids. We jump in front of speeding cars headed our children's way. We will lay down our lives for them. It's natural.

 

But when children grow older, they need to stretch their wings and find out they are able to fly on their own. This is not always an easy process and sometimes becoming an adult is really hard. You probably struggled in this yourself when you were a new adult.

 

Parents need to be supportive and loving, while still allowing their kids to make stupid choices. Bad decisions lead to learning opportunities. Most of us don't learn by watching others' screw up. We need to do it ourselves.

 

Apparently, you and your husband now have a big conflict and it's not just over your son. Your husband may have originally been on board with the way you've helped you son. If so, from what you've said, he's now changed his mind about the best action for you both to take. Your husband is upset and angry that you've taken actions against his will. He thinks you're not listening to his concerns and don't care what he thinks. He's right about this, for the most part. 

 

You've asked for my help. I know it's difficult to see kids' stumble, but you need to back out of your son's learning process and put some energy into actually listening to his father's feelings and opinions.

 

##

 

LAST DITCH EFFORT

 

Too many couples come in for counseling when matters have already gone too far. If you make an appointment only after someone has moved out of your home or has filed for divorce, it's not to be expected that therapy can help you save the relationship.

 

Come see me before one of you decides to cheat, before you get physical, before things get so out of hand that you make choices you can't undo.

 

Conflicts in relationship don't just go away. Don't let yourself believe this. They just go underground and poison the love between you. If the same argument plays out over and over, you have a problem. Don't let yourself believe that "we just get over it". This doesn't happen.

 

When issues aren't addressed, it kills the relationship. This may take years, but the result is the same.  

SCHOOL STARTS

For many, this has been a week of transitions. Summer is over(at least according to the calendar), and our children are moving ahead--sometimes it feels like they're moving away from us. Whether we're dropping a confused kindergartner off or taking an eighteen year-old freshman to college, we're watching them move ahead. This is a reality for parents. Children are developing constantly, their needs and our parenting roles are always changing.

School zone lights begin to flash and public pools close as children return to the classroom. Is your child ready? I'm not referring to backpacks and sharpened pencils, but to the dilemma many face about when to start their children in school and what kind of setting would be best. When my eldest child approached the age of six, we thought hard about what was best for her. She's a very kinesthetic, physical child and she didn't seem ready to sit attentively in a desk for hours. So, we held her back a year, starting her a little later than her peers.

Now, parents of athletic, sports-oriented children sometimes do this--called "red-shirting"--to help them have a head start on their peers. Whether this seems fair is a matter that's been considered, but it's just one instance of the challenges in raising children.

More than ever, parents consider whether to send their children to public schools, private schools(of different kinds) or to teach them at home. All of these can produce healthy, well-educated kids, but not all are best for all children. Some kids run eagerly into their schools, loving the learning environment and the social interaction. Some hang back.

As does everything else in the parenting experience, knowing the best thing for your child isn't always easy. My husband remembers his mother and he dropping his older brother off at school and, as he's three years younger than his brother, this seemed very scary to him. He laughingly recalls asking his mother not to "do this" to him.

As parents, we're frequently faced with the dilemma how how to be supportive and loving, while still scrutinizing the situations into which we thrust our kids. What's best for the child, isn't always what she wants to do. (For that matter, the same thing can be said for us. I don't want to climb on the elliptical in the mornings, but it's best for me.)

I have vivid memories of dropping my teenaged daughter off at one of her first jobs. It's good for kids to work because it helps them to know what they want as they enter into adulthood(job vs. school) and it helps them feel competent(I earned a paycheck!) But my daughter hated this job. Her employers treated her fairly, but the job itself had some difficult aspects. Still, she stuck it out until she was old enough to apply for a different, more congenial job. I don't recall her even considering quitting the hated job(although she might have done this). I just know I hated dropping her off, knowing how she felt.

I think this is one of the more difficult parts of parenting--doing what's good for the child, even when your child doesn't like it. Whether this be dropping the kid off at college or taking him to the physician to get his immunizations--doing the right thing can be difficult.

Children can love or hate school starting and parents can also have different responses to this transition. You might not like your kid being anxious about going to class, but you may be really relieved that summer vacation is over. Particularly if you had whining kids who "never had anything fun to do" or if you rushed around from summer camp to summer camp, trying to supply them with enriching experiences. It can take a lot out of you.

Life is full of transitions, never more so than in childhood. There are lots of challenges and lots of possibilities. Good luck in handling both.

FIGHTING ABOUT THE SMALL STUFF

Dear Dr. Doss,

I hope you are able to see this email because I really am in need of help. I cannot understand my father. I've always tried to. Whenever I want to tell him something, I hesitate because he's so narrow-minded that he doesn't respect my opinion on things. He does not let me finish what I have to say and he will just interrupt me while I'm still talking to get through his point without even trying to listen to my opinion. I tried to help myself, but I couldn't. My dad interrupts and yells his point at my mom and us kids when he disagrees with what we have to say without letting us finish it. I just wish he would be calmer in speaking. I really do not know how to deal with it. I tried to talk to my dad about it, but narrow-minded as he is, he will not let me finish my say on it,  and will ultimately interrupt and yell his opinion. He says he is the "superiority" and that I have to respect him as long as I live with him. But I want to live together with him always, yes, but that doesn't mean I want to be dictated by him, or not be able to express myself forever because he will not listen to what I have to say and will just try to make me hear what he has to say. He interrupts me while Im still expressing my feelings to him and isn't calm enough to answer nicely. Please do give me some advice. I will appreciate it very much. 

Frustrated Daughter

#

Dear Frustrated,

 

Some parents don't realize they're alienating their kids by beating their chests and declaring that they are the boss "until you leave my house." Most of these people don't feel like the boss, even when they're lecturing to their kids. I have to say, though, that I don't think you can change your dad. At this time, he has all the power and you need him to keep providing you with that roof to live under. Because parents feed you and watch over you when your small, they often feel they should have the right to decide everything that happens in the home.

 

What most of us parents have a hard time realizing is that this job has a term limit. It won't last forever. Yes, he'll always be your dad, but when you reach adulthood and independence, you get to make your own choices, regardless of what he wants. If you're over eighteen now, you may need his help to get through your education until you can earn your own keep.

 

At this point, however, I recommend you speak calmly, even when he rants. Don't yell back. It won't help and might make matters even worse. You might try listening to your father's complaints as if he were someone else's dad. This distance can help you to see his point. Most of the time when we yell, it's because we don't feel heard. Maybe your dad isn't feeling understood or listened to. Rather than defending yourself (which is a very strong urge), echo back to him his observations and concerns. I.e, "I know you'd like me to clean my room up more" or "I guess it doesn't seem like I listen to you."

 

Neither of these responses actually admits anything, but maybe he'll shout less if he thinks you're listening to him.

 

***

 

FIGHTING ABOUT THE SMALL STUFF

 

Very commonly couples who come for therapy say their fights are usually over the small stuff. They have difficulties getting along, but can't quite say why they're arguing. These couples agree about the bigger issues, but squabble and fight over things that shouldn't be that important.

 

When you have this kind of pattern develop, you're usually struggling with how to manage disagreements or you have big issues you don't see how to resolve. Either way, learning to communicate more effectively can help you smooth things out.

 

When you're at this point in a relationship, you generally feel blocked on all levels. While you probably still have the same daily lives, these bumps in the road never get settled and they often pop up over and over. This is when you need to look at the listening part of your interaction. While lots of folks complain that their partners don't listen, it's harder to see when you're not listening, either. You may think your listening, but it doesn't do much good if your partner doesn't feel listened to. So, rather than looking for ways to change your lover, start with changing yourself.

 

It's harder than it sounds. If you didn't care about your partner, you probably wouldn't even by addressing this. You care, so put your energy where it will do the most work--start with changing you. This listening gig is more difficult than it seems like it should be because when your mate begins expressing him or herself, a lot of words that seem like accusations get thrown around. You, then, feel an overwhelming urge to defend yourself against whatever has been said. You want to explain.

 

Please fight to resist this urge. Whenever you're explaining something to your mate, he doesn't think you're listening to him--which is usually true. So, shut your mouth and actually listen. She won't get everything right and she'll totally misread many of your actions, but you need to hear how she feels and what she wants.

 

Reflect these observations back to him--tell him what you think you heard him say to you--even if you don't agree. Later, after you've worked hard to hear what he's saying to you, you can tell him how you feel. Remember not to make accusations that will then prompt him to defend himself, thereby putting you back into the same situation.

 

Listen and reflect. Then express your feelings and perspective.

 

Then, when it's really important, you'll know better how to fight about the big stuff.