VALENTINE LOVE

Valentine's is a day of big expectation and a certain amount of stress. This is sad because love is supposed to refresh, comfort and renew. But that often isn't the reality for some. So, here's a prescription--

Ask What Makes Your Love Feel Loved

A surprising number of people can't accurately say what makes their special person feel special. This is not because you don't love the person, but because we humans tend to see the world from our own view points. We know what makes us feel loved, but not necessarily what triggers our loved one to feel loved. Some, but not all, really appreciate getting red roses--delivered at work for all to see.

Do you know what makes your lover get all warm and gooey inside?

I strongly suggest you ask and ask seriously. Give your lover some time to think about this because you don't want a flip answer. You really want to know what works for your loved one. Don't expect that this will be the same thing that makes your knees buckle. We all have wonderful individuality and this goes for the Valentines thing, too.

Some people love getting diamonds, but some couldn't care less. I think it's important not to criticize either way.

Accept That Your Loved One is Different From You

This is a big, big deal. Just because you love hiking through the mountains--and your loved one does this with you--doesn't mean he loves it, too. He might really prefer vacations at the beach. Let him be different, even if you don't get it.

I may have mentioned it here, but my husband loves sports. I've often said that if a ball is involved, he's there. This may be an exaggeration, but not by much. He loves football and baseball and softball, just to mention a few. I, on the other hand, play a mean game of Trivial Pursuit or Word With Friends. That's about as competitive as I get, but this doesn't mean we don't like one another. He makes me laugh like no one else and he loves me like no one else. I have many examples of his love, but the fact that I drive a really fast, hot car--that he helped me get--is example enough.

Let your lover be different from you.

Listen, Listen, Listen

This can't be said enough because most of us suck at listening.We hear what we think they're saying, not what they're actually saying. Test this out--ask your loved one a question about a hot topic. Then see if you can repeat back to your lover what he or she said to you. You may have to give this several tries before you can do it because we tend to hear the noise in our own heads more than the words of the person talking to us.

When you love, you want the very best for the other person, even if that complicates your own life some. This is particularly hard when 'the very best' means different things to the two of you.

Find out what works for your special person. Then Valentine's Day will be a lot easier. If he likes buying diamonds, but she couldn't care less, love means foregoing the jewelry and doing what she wants.

Hopefully, she'll love you this way, too.

CONVEYING RESPECT

Even if you feel loved, you may not feel respected.

While the term respect technically means to be valued, it also can mean being treated with courtesy and having certain rights, which is where the problems often come in. 

In the complexity of relationships, we need to both be respected and to respect, but that can be difficult.

Parents talk of their children not respecting them and I have to ask what exactly they mean by this term. Usually this involves a teen or preteen who back talks and doesn't do chores. Every now and then, parents seek help for dealing with adult children--some who live at home and some who don't--and before we can address the problems, we need to outline clearly both what you want and what you don't feel you're getting.

Respect is vital for healthy relationships. This involves seeing the other person as having worth and free will. The last part is often difficult because their free will effects us.

I've been married since I was nineteen and the relationship has been a fertile area of learning, let me tell you. Somewhere in the early years, I noticed that when you love someone, you're very affected by what they do and don't do...but even with this, others(and we) have free will. I don't get to tell my husband what to do or not to do.

He's an individual and he gets to decide what he does. My power lies in the reality that I get to choose to stay in the relationship or not, but I don't get to tell him what to do.

This is a delicate balance. Again, when you're in a loving, committed relationship, you don't have the right to tell your partner what to do. You definitely do have the right--and the responsibility--to let your partner know how his or her behavior effects you. If, say, he's flirty with other women and this bothers you, you need to let him know how you feel. You don't, however, have the right to tell him to cut it out. He gets to choose that, if he cares about his relationship with you.

We all want to be respected by those we love--that just means we want them to care how they're behavior impacts us.

Parents want their teens to care enough to listen to their cautions and directions. When you tell your kids not to text and drive, you want them to listen and respect your input on this. You want them to recognize that you do, in fact, know some things.

The tricky part of this is that, as a parent, you need to respect your kids, too. You need to listen to them(check yourself on this. Kids often don't feel listened to). You also need to acknowledge that your kids are making their own decisions--this needs to be part of your behavior.

But kids making their own choices is often really scary for parents. They mess up and make mistakes--sometimes distressing ones. But part of respecting your kids is letting them sort life out. Let them make mistakes--and this is important--let them suffer the consequences of those mistakes.

When one of my teen-aged daughters was caught skipping out on her job, her dad and I sent her straight to her work to talk with her boss. She had consequences and she had to deal with these, not us. The urge to shield kids often leads parents to interfering with their kids' learning.

Respect involves believing in the other person, be they lover, friend or child. We need to act as if we know the other person has the capacity to respond to life events.

Think of yourself when you were a kid--you resented your parents telling you what to do. You wanted them to believe in you and let you bumble your way toward learning.

Respect is complicated because we're so emotionally tangled up with each other. You want to be valued and you want your rights to be recognized. It can be hard, however, to do the same for the ones you love.

 

QUESTIONING YOURSELF

We focus a lot on resolutions at the first of the year--often the same ones every year--and after getting a gym membership and a personal trainer, subscribing to a diet service or promising ourselves we'll live better lives in various ways, we often fail. Let's admit it, sometimes we suck. We don't tell our bosses or our loved ones the truth, we speed(admittedly a flaw and joy of mine), we are crabby towards the ones we love the most and we don't take care of ourselves physically.

In the middle of this brutal honesty about ourselves, it's important to see the full picture. Questioning yourself isn't fun, but it's important to do. Haven't you always looked at others being stupid and said you hoped you're never that self-deluded? To avoid self-delusion, it's helpful to have honest, loving people around you, but it's most important to question yourself.

This isn't pleasant, as it almost always involves acknowledging to yourself the things you could have--and need to next time--done differently. Kind of brutal. This self-questioning is a great habit in that it helps you become a better person, if you'll really work toward personal honesty. But personal honesty involves something even harder than acknowledging your mistakes.

Give yourself credit.

While you probably defend yourself to others(who may seem to be attacking you), acknowledging the good things about you can be difficult. Weird, isn't it? Most of us are quick to deflect when others give us compliments, whether we think this just makes us look humble or whether we really don't believe the nice things they say. We can more easily make of list of our faults than of our strong points and this means we struggle to view ourselves objectively.

No one gets better than me how easy it can be to react emotionally to life--subjectively. Being objective means viewing situations and ourselves without giving a slant. Just seeing it as it is. Not good or bad, but as it really is. Now, there will be moments when you're a stinker. We all are, sometimes. But there will be other moments when you're pretty decent, too.

You don't have to drag a victim out of a burning house or lift a car off an injured driver to be kind to someone else. These are wonderful moments, but not everyone gets to shine like this and fire may scare the bejeezus out of you.

Sometimes, kindness takes different, gentler, everyday forms. Smiling at the cashier, even when he's slow or gives you the wrong change. Being decent to the cop who stops you for speeding(again, my downfall). Or not reacting angrily when you've told your twelve-year old niece/cousin/child/brother/neighbor a dozen times not to play their video game/music so loud when you're sleeping after having worked the night shift.

Give yourself credit for the times you've kept your temper, even if you lose it way too often, in your own estimate. Acknowledging that you've messed something up doesn't mean you've messed everything up.

Some people drank and drove on New Year's Eve. Some of them had never done this before or don't do it routinely. They may have killed or hurt someone; maybe themselves. This is a sad, sad situation and, while it shouldn't ever happen, few would say that the drunk driver was all bad. Even people on Death Row for their crimes aren't all bad. They, like those who drove drunk, have big regrets, but they aren't worthless.

I am amazed by the number of people who sit in my office and tell me they're worthless. These are people who are loved and loving, for the most part. When I ask if they've hurt or killed others, most tell me no. They pay their taxes, work jobs(when these can be found) and are generally upstanding citizens.

But they don't give themselves credit for any of this. 

Self-delusion is a bad thing, but that includes not acknowledging your strengths. Question yourself. It's a good habit, but along with your faults, don't forget to see how you benefit the world, too.

LIVE LIKE NO ONE'S WATCHING

Our behavior is often influenced by our belief that others are watching, criticising and judging us. This anxiety often constricts and narrows our perspective. We don't get to the simple choice of "what do I want to do here" because we worry about how we're viewed by others.

Don't get me wrong--others' matter a whole bunch. We need, however, to get in touch with our own inner voice and we need to worry less about what someone else may think.

This self-consciousness is based on an inaccurate belief--others really aren't watching as much as you think. Most often, the people around us are engaged in worrying about themselves and their lives. Whether they are consumed with thoughts about their relationships, their kids or their jobs, other people are almost always not looking at you.

In the last decade or so, the number of people seeking therapy due to anxiety-related symptoms has increased. This may be due to our growing sense that hostile others can invade(or take) our lives or we might have money and/or job concerns. Regardless, a lot of us are worried.

We lose sight of the fact that we are competent individuals, capable of many amazing things, of bravery and acts of great kindness.

Yes, you. You have these capacities. You're probably very aware of your failures and you flaws. You can list the situations you've screwed up. These moments are vivid in your mind. If I ask, however, for a list of your successes--of the challenges you've overcome--you'll probably struggle to acknowledge these.

There are people in this world who hurt others--the Newtown, Connecticutt massacre, for instance. Times that humans act harshly toward other humans, often the innocent, but although these catch our attention and appall us, the percentage of individuals doing these heinous acts is small.

Most of us are actually pretty decent.

Some people tell me they've had no successes. I disagree. From the greatest--forgiving those who've hurt you or diving into complex, challenging situations--to the smallest--just showing up to my office--you're making successful choices all the time. You need to give yourself more credit. You've earned it.

Most people want to disagree with this, listing their failings. Yes, we do all fail. Sometimes spectacularly. This doesn't mean we're worthless, though. We humans learn through failure. Don't beat yourself up over how you've messed up, learn from it.

There are moments when--if we thought no one was watching--we'd do bad things, but we also have, in our most pure moments, times of great bravery and selflessness. We lift burning cars off the injured, we rush to save those being threatened. We may not all have these big moments of bravery, but we reach out to others who are hurting.

We do hard and scary things.

So, be silly and goofy sometimes. Be brave. Be yourself, the person you want to be.

Believe in yourself and in your capacity to negotiate this world, even when things are tough.

HOLIDAYS AND FAMILIES

The holiday season can be joyous and filled with fun.

It's supposed to be a big family time of the year, whether you go to church together or focus more on the secular side of things. Some families, however, have difficult times. Alcohol and togetherness can bring out unresolved issues and make getting together a very stressful experience.

Even when there are no chemical dependency issues and you all get along together, families can find gift-giving challenging when money and expectations collide. Many are now trying to get out of crushing debt, while others deal with fatigue over money issues by spending more freely. What if these two attitudes are in the same family and one gives socks and pajamas while the other side hands out Ipods? This is even more of a challenge if unemployment enters the picture or if one sibling feels parents favor another child.

However you look at it, a supposedly joyful time can be fraught with stress.

There are some who find that family isn't necessarily and safe or happy place to be. These individuals are often left trying to find a way to spend December 25th and struggling to fit into what seems like a world obsessed with the holidays.

It's not all snow and mistletoe for everyone.

Particularly for those with fractured families. Some people have already come to terms with their toxic experience with relatives, but others struggle forward, not wanting to accept that things may not be all rosey when they sit down around the turkey(or Tofurkey). Many people spend time and too much money with relatives, trying to feel normal--which is to say happy--when they feel anything but.

For some individuals, they just feel they need a place to go...and you're supposed to spend the holidays with your family, right?

Like all of human experience, families aren't perfect. We need to strive to fix ourselves and our relationships, but relationships are made up of more than one person...and not all are motivated to address problems.

If your family experience is anything but enjoyable, you can spend the holiday time donating your resources to help the less fortunate. Or you can create your own family, spending time with the people who do contribute to your life. Friends often feel like family.

Perhaps we need to broaden our definitions of what the holidays are about. Not just gift-giving(or getting), but a time to play, to minister to others and to recharge our batteries. However you do that.

REACHING THE END

More than half of marriages fail and those are just the couples that made a legal commitment. Relationships are one of the hardest things we do on this earth. Sometimes they flourish and sometimes they don't.

Whether or not you're in a troubled relationship, you'll have noticed that lots of people have lots of opinions about what needs to be done. I mean, lots of people. No matter whether we are ourselves in a relationship or have faced making the choice of staying in one, we seem to all have opinions about what others should do. And most people don't hesitate to share these.

But here's the reality--only you get to decide what you want to do about your relationship.

Even if friends and family members have stood by you and held your hand while you talked endlessly about your struggles with your partner, you're still the only one deciding. This isn't an easy choice. Even if the two of you have had really hard times for way too long. Even if there has been infidelity or chemical abuse or both. You're still the one experiencing the good times and the bad.

The ones who love you--and who may have moved you in and out of the home you share with your mate--get to have opinions, but they need to think hard and long before they share these with you. You're the one in the relationship. You see aspects of your partner that no one else sees...and you know in your heart how you may have contributed to the problems the two of you have had.

No one--not best friends or parents--has the right to tell you what you ought to do. Not even professionals. Occasionally, clients will ask me what I think they should do about their marriages. I understand the confusion and the desire not to make a choice that will be regretted, but I'm not the one living in the relationship. Even though it might seem easier if I tell you what I think you ought to do, you need to trust in yourself and make the choice that seems most clear to you.

If you stay where you are, you need to find improvement, a way to make the really bad stuff better. If you can't, then you probably need to end it. Relationships involve two people. Focus on your part of things and work to straighten out your own behavior. It's very easy and very common to see your partner's bad actions. These stand out like they're written in neon.

It's harder to see how we've contributed to the mess. Every situation in life has a lesson, though, and you don't want to miss yours. Talking with a therapist can help you see angles you might have missed. You'll also feel heard --listened to--and this can be a priceless gift. When someone really listens to your concerns, you actually get to hear yourself.

This helps you get clearer on your situation.

You get to decide when you've reached the end of a relationship. No one else should try to convince you of this, even if they've watched you struggle.

Struggles can bring us to new realizations.

I DON'T HAVE THE POWER (AND NEITHER DO YOU)

"I have 2 daughters. One is married with a baby and my older daughter is gay and has a partner.
When my youngest daughter was still in the hospital after the delivery of her son, her husband made sexual advances toward my older daughter-asking her if she had ever been with a man and saying that he'd been “thinking“ of her constantly. When we are together, he tries to spend as much 1 on 1 time as possible with my daughter. She's done everything to discourage him and she's very upset that he's done this. She and her sister are very close.

My married daughter has had a lot of trauma in her life. She was raped at 18 while attending college. She attempted to take her life after the incident (unknown to us). We only discovered this after the suicide death of our only son. She made some bad relationship choices after the rape, which included getting into an abusive situation.

My question now is--should my daughter tell her about her husband's advances?? She seems unhappy with him anyway--but we do not want to cause more conflict. Does she have a right to know?? They really have no sex life and she says he's not seemed interested in that aspect of their marriage. She has related this to me and my daughter on several occasions.

If your advice is that my daughter should tell her--we would not be involved  any way. We do not want her to know that we know about the situation. It would strictly be between my two daughters.

Please help us make a good decision! We do not want her to further traumatize her life. She deserved the "right" decision from us."--Concerned Mother

 

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Dear Concerned Mother,

 

Whether or not she tells her sister about the husband's overtures is up to her, but she needs to consider some possible outcomes. People vary on whether or not they want to be told bad things about their mates. If your daughter tells her sister, her sister may flat-out refuse to believe her and the relationship between them will suffer. On the other hand, her sister might be upset if this infomation is withheld and she later learns of it.

 

Her sister's marriage is pretty bad as it is, but sis hasn't decided to leave him. Getting a divorce is a very personal decision and your married daughter has a right to do this in her own time--or not at all. If she wants to stay in a sexless, unhappy marriage, she gets to do that.

 

Either way, you're right to stay out of it. Your daughter needs to make the decision herself.

 

What you can do, however, is encourage your traumatized daughter to take care of herself. She deserves to get therapy to help her heal from her trauma and her bad relationship choices. Help this daughter see that you believe in her, that you know she has the capacity to live a fullfulled life. Then let her make her own relationship choices. Act like she's an intelligent, capable individual.

 

Your other daughter needs to take a strong stand with her sister's husband--she needs to tell him with conviction that his sexual advances toward her have to stop. In the strongest possible terms, she needs to indicate that they will be spending no one-on-one time and his continued pursuit of her will force her to let his wife know just what he's up to.

 

If he then continues to try to force his presence on her, she needs to level with her sister in the most matter-of-fact way. Her sister still may not believe her, but at least she'll have blown the dirty secret open.

 

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I DON'T HAVE THE POWER (AND NEITHER DO YOU)

 

People often want to bring others in for therapy so I can straighten them out. Parents bring surly teens and five year-olds who throw tantrums. Husbands bring wives and wives bring husbands. Grandparents sometimes try to make appointments for their adult grandkids.

 

Others' issues are always very clear to us, but the reality is that we each get to direct our own lives. We get to choose whether or not we pay attention to our consequences and whether we change our behavior accordingly. Basically, we each get to be in charge of our own lives, even though it doesn't feel that way sometimes.

 

When I'm faced with a third-party bringing someone in for me to "fix them", I have to break the news that I don't have the power to change someone. This is usually a shock. Even clients who've come in because of their own issues, sometimes get frustrated that I don't have a magic wand to wave over them to make it all better.

 

What I do have is a clear perspective on whatever you're facing. And I can help you see your own struggles. I can also help you see your alternatives and the possible consequences of each of these.

 

You have mothers and partners and friends who are all eager to tell you just what you should do. That's not my job. I don't have the power to magically wean you from your bad habits; I can't make kids behave by just telling them they should(always frustrating to parents).

 

I am a pretty good listener, though, and that's not a small thing. Listening is huge and most of us struggle to do this with the ones we love.

 

You can listen without agreeing(always a big concern) and you can reflect back to the ones you love what you heard them say. You'll be wrong, at first, but with continued effort, the one you're listening to will manage to say what he means and you'll finally be able to hear him. This is a pretty big thing and it helps us be open to feedback when we think we're actually being listened to.

 

You have to accept first, however, that your brother/mate/son/friend has the right and power to direct his own life. He doesn't have to do it your way and you don't have the power or the right to insist that he see it your way.