COMMANDING THE CONVERSATION

"I have 2 sons and a daughter. My oldest son is married 10 years with 3 kids. His oldest is a step-daughter, who's 15. He also has 2 younger sons, ages 10 and 5.  When my daughter came to visit recently, I tried to spend as much time with her as I could. She invited my daughter-in-law to go shopping with my granddaughter, her and me. When my daughter-in-law said she didn't want to go, my daughter's feelings were hurt, but she said nothing. We went ahead without my son's wife and my daughter insisted on paying for everything. Later, we took the boys on a day out and she paid for everything then, too.

When we were all at my house hanging out later, my granddaughter was disrespectful to her aunt (my daughter). Her aunt (my daughter) asked her to apologize, but she would not, walking out. My son then exploded, yelling at his sister. He said his step-daughter didn't need to apologize and that they were all leaving. I said my granddaughter should apologise for being disrespectful. My son got angry, saying that she was his child and she would never apologize. He asked how we dared 'gang up' on a 15 year old. When his wife and I tried to calm him down, he made a fist at me. He dragged my 10 and 5 years old out of the house, much to their surprise.

I don't know what to do now. I'm afaid I will not get to see my grandsons. My son kept them from us about 4 years ago, when he was mad at us . It made me almost suicidal. My daughter is upset about the whole mess, as am I. Things were said on both sides that are hard to forgive. But one thing I know for sure is that my granddaughter needs to apologize, as she's been rude to me, too. I let it go, but no more. I love her very much, but I won't see her until she apologizes. I think my son made things much worse. Please help us. I want to mend my family."--Distressed Grandmother

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Dear Distressed,

 

You say you want to mend the family, but you're also very clear that you must get an apology from your granddaughter. Since your son reacted the way he did, you know that he won't be enforcing this with his daughter.

 

From your son's reaction to your daughter's run-in with his daughter, I suspect there are unresolved family issues. He may feel you've always favored her or that she's generally unfair to his step-daughter. I don't know. It's also possible that, since you were having a family get-together, he was drinking and , therefore, more belligerent. You seem convinced that your daughter was innocent in this situation and that your son is way out-of-line.

 

I suggest you talk with your son about this, with no one else present besides perhaps his wife. When I say talk to him, I really mean that you need to listen to his side of this. You may not agree with his take on everything, but you need to know where he's coming from. The granddaughter's apology isn't the biggest issue, from the sounds of it, and a forced apology is meaningless.

 

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COMMANDING THE CONVERSATION

 

It is a sad fact that many do not understand the effect they have on others. Some people appear to view conversations as a lecture opportunity with them pontificating about whatever and the other person unhappily nodding once in a while. Lots of things can motivate this behavior--simple low self-esteem, anxiety with the people in the situation or chronic unawareness of others. Regardless, the one nodding generally won't want to interact again with the one lecturing.

 

The hardest thing--and the most effective tool--is to ask about and listen to the other person's life. If you want to create interactions that leave those you're speaking with looking forward to talking with you more, practice listening to them. Hear what interests them and what troubles them. Be able to echo back to them what they said to you and they'll know you heard them.

 

The best conversationalists make their listeners look good. Don't worry that you'll never be heard yourself. When someone sees you as engaged with them in their interests, they're much more likely to wonder what you have to say. 

GIVING UP

Lots of couples come to see me when their relationships have been in trouble for a long while. When I ask why they are still together, couples sometimes readily say they still love one another. Some couples, however, admit they just hate giving up.

Confronting relationship problems isn't fun, particularly when they've experienced a lot of failure and nothing seems to work. Knowing what to do in a relationship is made even more difficult when you "get over" the fight and things seem better for a while. Couples fight, then they make up and hope the problems will never resurface. But they usually do.

Resolving relationship conflict is the goal, but this can be very hard to do. Most couples volunteer that the issues that have brought them to the brink of separation were there at the beginning. They just didn't want to see it and didn't think these problems were that significant.

It can be weird to come into a stranger's office and talk all about your personal life.

But giving up on your relationship can be very hard, particularly if you have children together. When conflict has been frequent, couples sometimes want to disconnect from the troubled part of the relationship, while still hanging on to fun parts. This can lead to the murky area of "staying friends". Usually, one half of a couple comes up with this, insisting that the two stay in contact, exchanging phone calls and emails. This is generally desired by the one who is leaving the relationship. The remaining partner, distressed and upset by the potential break-up, sometimes clings to the offer of friendship, hoping this will one day return to romantic involvement.

Some people suggest friendship when they don't want to hurt the partner they're leaving. Some even say they might eventually get back together. This isn't kind, however, as the remaining partner lives in limbo, not moving on, clinging to the hope that this pseudo-friendship offers.

The concept of never giving up may make sense in a sporting sense, but not in relationships. If the interaction is abusive, ugly and negative, giving up may be the rational thing to do.

Relationships are complicated and thrilling. The hardest thing we do in this world is interact with one another.

I'm generally in favor of clients learning how to make their relationships work, but every now and then, someone comes into my office, already having decided they need to leave. This is a personal prerogative. Only the person in the relationship can make this decision. No one else--not your counselor, your pastor or your mother--gets the right to tell you what you ought to do about your relationship. Others can share perspectives and opinions, but you are the one living in it.

If you're done, you're done. No one telling you that you should stay makes the situation workable for you.

STUCK IN-BETWEEN

Sometime around the high school years, kids realize that they are growing up--and it usually scares the crap out of them. Some kids sail through this phase, seeming impervious to the great responsibilities that come with adulthood, but most hit the wall with a real bang. Growing up scares the heck out of them.

If you've ever used a ladder to climb onto the roof of a house, you know the feeling of being suspended with no support, stepping from the rungs to the roof. This is what growing up can feel like. Parents feed, clothe and support their kids, giving them Game Cubes, phones and cars. When your children become adults--even when they go off to college--they have to handle things on their own. College professors generally won't talk to parents, insisting that kids be responsible for their own grades.

Part of the job of parenting is helping to prepare your children for independent life. After all, no matter how much you love them and will do anything for them, you won't live forever.

They need to be able to handle life on their own.

Even high-achieving, academically-successful kids are impacted by this reality. In fact, the smarter they are, the more scared they are. They see the challenges that you, as an adult, face and they doubt themselves.

This self-doubt can prompt everything from scary teen acting-out to psychiatric symptoms. Some kids head of to colleges that are distant from their homes, excited to be on their own. A number of these kids will tank their first or second semesters and return home, depressed and shaken.

As parents, we are in a massively-important position. Although we can be anxious and afraid for them ourselves, they need to know we believe in them. This past Sunday, I watched as my daughter walked through an airport security check point, headed to Brooklyn, New York for three years of residency. I will miss her terribly and will visit her, with her father, as often as hers and my busy schedules and finances allow. (Love Manhattan) I will still miss her. For the last year of medical school, she lived in our house to allow her to spend her money on multiple residency interviews all over the U.S.

She's been right down the hallway and now she's 3,000 miles away. She has to make a home for herself and to create new friendships. Even though, I wish she still lived nearby, it's my job as a loving parent of an adult child to stress over and over that she can do this and they're lucky in Brooklyn to have her in their ER.

As parents, we can help the transition by not giving into our own fears and anxieties. Our children may stumble--as we did in our time--but they have what it takes to handle the shift to adulthood.

SEX CONNECTS / SEX DIVIDES

"How can I expect one to treat me with respect and dignity when its not possible for this person to feel empathy or understand what lack of respect does to the other person. Or should I expect it?"

*

 

 

Dear Unrespected,

 

It sounds like you're dating or married to a psychopath. If this isn't the case, my only comment is that we get the empathy and respect we tolerate.

 

That being said, you need to look also at your own behavior. Are you really listening? Are you understanding the other person's perspective or do you think this person should feel as you do? If you're giving respect, you have a better chance at getting it.

 

*

 



Sex Connnects / Sex Divides

 

When a relationship is clear and connected, after good sex, you feel even better with your partner. The connection in the relationship is magnified when you have great sex.

 

Science has shown that orgasms leave people feeling more bonded, but this sexual connection isn't available when the rest of the relationship is crap. If you don't feel listened to or understood, you don't feel loved. No matter how good the sex may be, those moments grow farther and farther apart, if you're fighting and disagreeing all the time.

 

When you have major conflicts in a relationship, sex often becomes the focal point. You may have tried talking about issues with no success and then you decided there was no point in talking. If conflict goes underground, it generally surfaces in sexual division. Either you don't have orgasms or you aren't attracted to even engage sexually with your partner.

 

If you don't like the person you're sleeping next to, you don't usually want to get naked with them. When one partner avoids sex, both partners need to pay attention to the issues in the relationship.

 

It's easy to label the disinterested party as "frigid" or to start questioning his/her faithfullness, but the real focus needs to be on what's happening between the two of you.



YOU HAVE POWER...EVEN IF YOU DON'T FEEL THAT WAY

"My father has admitted to having an affair with a woman a few years ago. At the time, my mother was very upset and even threatened to leave, but somehow they worked it out. However, he still seems to be seeing this woman. They talk on the phone for hours at a time, he visits her house frequently, leaving my mother home alone for extended periods of time. This other woman even comes to visit my parents' house when my mother is there, like they are friends. When I ask my mother about why they're sill in contact and why she's visiting their house, she doesn't want to talk about it. My father seems not to think he's doing anything wrong. Normally, I wouldn't get involved, but I'm concerned about my mother's health, which wasn't great to begin with and has gone downhill since this all started. I mentioned counseling to my mother, but she says she doesn't want to do it (and doesn't believe my father would do it.) But I know she's embarrassed and the situation upsets her. Is there anything I can do to help this situation? I feel like I have to do something given my mother's health, but I'm not sure what to do."--Concerned Daughter

*

 

Dear Concerned Daughter,

 

I understand why you're worrying, but I don't think there's much you can do. Your mom is an adult and she gets to decide how to handle her marital problems. This situation is a version of the parents of adult children worrying about their grown children's choices. Although you love your mom, you need to act on your belief in her being able(and having the right) to direct her own life.

 

Don't assume, though, that she's as distressed about this as you are. Some mates are relieved not to be required to perform their sexual duties. Others have seen their lengthy marriages settle into a life partnership that isn't particularly romantic. You just don't know. Even when her health issues make this situation more complicated, you still can't force or argue either her or your father into dealing differently with their marital issues.

 

This may not be the kind of marriage you--or I!--want, but we don't get to say what's best for your mom. Loving them doesn't give you the right to tell them what to do.

 

I am concerned, however, at how much you know about their situation. When you have no capacity to change an upsetting life drama, the less you know, the easier it is.

 

*



 

YOU HAVE POWER...EVEN IF YOU DON'T FEEL THAT WAY

 

Some situations and some relationships are very frustrating, particularly if you're directly involved. Even if you can't directly wave a wand and make things different, however, you still have choices.

 

Power lies in using our choices in the best way.

 

The key here is to consider the choices you do have--not just the ones you wish you had. Lots of people want their mates to be different and many have verbalized their complaints about different aspects of their mates' behavior. But we don't have control over others' function. You can't just flip a switch and make it all different.

 

The author and theorist Viktor Frankl survived WWII concentration camps, observing that the prisoners had ultimate control over how the lived, even in those harsh conditions. He commented that they had no ability to gain freedom or to decide who lived or died, but they could direct their own behavior. He talked of the power in making the choice to eat or share his scrap of bread.

 

We have ultimate control over us and our behavior.You can change your function. We have control over what we do and what we say. This is our greatest power. Think about how you participate in the situation that you hate--what you say and what you do. Altering these can have a big effect on your experience.

 

FOLLOW-THROUGH

The only way your kids can trust you is if you follow-through on what you tell them. This goes directly to them feeling safe with you. After all, they're young and small and they depend on you. They need to feel sure that you will take care of them and that means that you'll do what you say.

In the old Audrey Hepburn/Cary Grant movie Charade, two men get on an elevator with Hepburn at an American consulate, discussing an evening playing cards with their boss. One man tells the other that he held a smaller hand, but he successfully bluffed the ambassador. The other guy asks why this is a problem and the first man said, "Well, if I can do it, what about the Russians?"

Parents have a tendency to utter threats and promises they don't want to have to use. They're trying to get their kids in line, but kids aren't stupid. After a few of these empty threats, they get the picture--you can't be trusted.

Parenting is a very challenging job--one of the hardest on earth. You don't often get a vacation from being your best self. You're on all-the-time. Small eyes note, catalogue and copy...which can be really disturbing.

So, don't say what you're not prepared to do. If you threaten to put your kid in time-out, put her in time-out, no matter how sweet she looks or if her tears tug at your heart. Your kids aren't monsters trying to drive you crazy, but they are usually pretty good at doing this. They see you in your worse, most stressed, frazzled, annoyed moments and they need to know that, even when you're tired or mad, you'll still be reliable.

Doing what you say gives you credibility and stature with your kids (although they won't usually tell you this until some big moment like graduation or the birth of a grandchild). Yelling at them won't make them behave, it's just a measure of how frustrated you are. Yes, they may jump when you yell, but remember that they haven't doing what they're supposed to do until you yell. That means your kids have learned they don't have to respond until you reach a certain decibel level.

Counting 1-2-3 doesn't work, either, because they just wait until right before you reach 3.

Say what you mean--once--and then follow-through. This is much easier if you keep your hands on them. Few things disturb me more than going to a mall or discount store and seeing kids running aisles ahead of their parents. Often the parents are yelling directions at them, which the kids then ignore. These are almost always empty threats. Parents don't want to be bothered with carting the kids straight out of the mall--they have a reason for being at the mall and they want to get whatever--and kids know this. They know you're just yelling at them. When you catch up to them, you may grab them by the arm and scold them. You may threaten to not get them a promised treat or not buy them whatever.

But you will. You will end up buying them ice cream or their baseball uniform or whatever you've come to the mall for. In this situation, why should kids listen? Don't be this parent. You want your kids to know you can take care of them.

If you're not acting like what you say matters, neither will they.

RELATIONSHIP RESET

Have you ever said you just want to get back to how we used to be or that you want a totally fresh start with your partner, like pushing a reset button? Sadly, trying to develop amnesia about problems between the two of you doesn't work--at least not long term.

I often hear people express the desire to feel the way they used to with their mate and this is understandable. When you first met and started falling for one another, you saw the fun, the happy parts, the good stuff. Only as the two of you spent more time together and began sharing an on-going experience did the problems crop up. This can almost always be tracked back to poor conflict resolution.

(You may also have built your shared experiences on a weak foundation and, if so, no communication skills will make this all better. If the two of you have very different values and want different lives, the gulf may be too wide to cross. This can be painful, because you've loved this person. Still, if she wants drugs and rock and roll and you want family life in the suburbs, you have little upon which to base a life together. At the same time, wanting a similar life doesn't always mean eternal relationship bliss. You need both similar values and different, unique perspectives. This can help you find a balanced, fulfilled life together.)

When you don't resolve problems, conflict in relationships build up like sediment in a pond, eventually choking the fun out of the relationship. I frequently have one half of couples assure me that they resolve their problems. Ironically, while one person is giving me this assurance, the other is often shaking his or her head in disagreement. Resolution only exists if both of you feel settled about whatever you disagreed on. If one half of the couple just stops talking(arguing), the problem may not be actually resolved.

Sometimes people just get tired of fighting and disagreeing. They acquiesce--or stop arguing--because they just don't see any successful end in sight.

Stopping talking doesn't mean you've reached an agreement on an issue.

Many times, couples quit talking about something they can't resolve and go on about their lives. But the unresolved issues start piling up until they choke out the fun stuff and you can no longer see your partner as the sexy, attractive person you committed to in the beginning.

The unsettled issues obscure the part that you fell in love with. Getting back to the good times is an understandable desire, but if you're going to get there, you have to learn how to settle the issues that have blotted out the joy.

You have to learn to resolve things.

This can be a complicated process and it requires you to both express yourself and to really listen to your mate express him or herself. But it can be done.

Timing is everything here, though. Wait too long to address your relationship issues and you or your partner may get to the place that you're just done. Finito. Finished. The love has been killed and cannot be revived.

When that happens, you might as well call the moving company and the lawyers. Therapy can only help when you've still got something left in a relationship, so don't wait too long to seek help.