SHE SAYS YOU NEVER LISTEN....

For a long time I've been talking about the importance of listening to your partner. The urge is to explain your position and most people do this over and over because they don't feel heard by the other person. On the other hand, your mate isn't feeling heard either. So both of you keep repeating yourselves and no one is really focused on listening.

Everyone assures me they are listening to their partners, though. Really.

I certainly don't want to deny this. The problem, however, is that she often doesn't feel heard. You may be repeating yourself again and again--possibly even raising your voice because louder seems to be better at that moment. But if you're not conveying to her that you hear and understand what she's saying to you, it doesn't matter what you say in return.

So, maybe you are listening. Maybe you're trying very hard to understand him. Maybe you do understand, but you also want to be understood yourself. This is reasonable. Relationships can only flourish when both partners function to value the other, as well as, themselves.

The trick is to respond to your partner in a manner that conveys you are actually listening. If you want to be heard, make sure she knows you're listening to her. Repeat back to her what you've heard her tell you. You'll be wrong--you won't have heard whatever she said exactly the way she meant it. This is very common. Ask her to tell you again, and really work at listening to what she's saying until you can repeat it back to her satisfaction.

This is a terribly important part of communication. Sometimes couples come to my office with communication issues, but as they talk it comes out that they're actually in agreement on the issues. Seriously. You may be agreeing in actual fact, but getting distressed because you don't believe your partner is hearing your side of things.

So. repeat it back. Get his confirmation that this is what he's telling you. It'll make a big difference.

COMFORTING OTHERS

Being around a grieving person can be really awkward. Whether this individual is mourning the death of a loved one or the end of a relationship, it can be hard to know what to say to him.

Some people just flat out avoid individuals dealing with these kinds of losses. They may feel bad about doing so, but they don't know what to say or do. But grieving people are very aware of who is and who isn't there for them, sometimes leaving hard feelings.

They sometimes tell me about it.

Still--do you send flowers? Do you tell them their loved one is "out of pain" now or that they're well out of what you thought was a bad relationship? What the heck to you do?

Knowing how they're reacting to this loss is very difficult! They could be all over the map. It's true that--unless you know specifically what the other person feels about the loss--offering solutions or making statements about the situation can be fraught with pitfalls.

Those who have suffered losses usually have a list of stupid things people said to them in their moment of bereavement. In attempting to offer comfort, people blunder along, making comments that not only don't comfort, but can be hurtful and annoying. You might assure the grieving person that the one they lost is "with God in heaven" when she not only doesn't believe in heaven, but isn't comforted by the loved one being anywhere but with her. If the person you're attempting to comfort is sad over the loss of a relationship, you may be tempted to say you've "never liked him" or to list all the annoying things he did.

So here's a Comforting-Others 101 guide:

1. Whatever the situation or however you personally feel about their loss--don't say they're "well out of it." You may be doing cartwheels at the end of a very destructive relationship(me, when my daughter got a divorce), but never, never let on to this.

2. Listen to what the grieving person says to you. This is your best key to knowing how the heck to respond. Even though you may have different beliefs about death, don't rush in to share these. Trust me, you have a better chance at offending than comforting.

3. Let yourself be simple. Don't try to fix it or distract the grieving person out of his sadness. Don't try to make it better--in that grief-filled moment, they don't believe they'll ever feel better and you don't get points for saying they will.

4. Do simple, helpful things. I once had a friend offer to clean and fill a grieving friend's refrigerator. Basic things can be very appreciated.

5. Key to all this is to take your cue from the one who's suffering. Be with when she wants someone to be there. Leave her alone when she wants to be alone.

6. Don't expect others to grieve like you do. This can be hard because we usually tend to come from our own perspective, but resist the urge.

Sometimes, the greatest comfort is just having someone there. Not that they say anything brilliant or magically take the pain away. As a therapist, I sometimes see grieving individuals who just need someone to listen. That can be the greatest comfort.

SECURITY MATES

Some say it's a relief to be alone after a terrible relationship ends, but most don't feel this way. Many people--in all walks of life--barely wait for their current relationships to be declared dead before they sign up for an on-line dating site or head out to the bars. It's like a relay race where the baton cannot be dropped. You must have a new date/mate before the old one falls away.

Lets just admit it, being alone scares the heck out of most people and this can lead to some questionable relationship choices.

Some people chose to stay in their current relationships--even though they aren't happy there and may be very unhappy--because they'd rather have a bad mate than no mate at all.

Others have hooked up with an almost-mate. You know, he's almost what they want, but not really. He's interested in her/her parents like him/he goes to the same church--or my favorite--she's known him forever. Like this somehow makes an unhappy relationship better.

I get that a shared history is a shared something, but you deserve more than familiarity.

Not long ago, an elderly, infirm male relative of mine was widowed. He'd catered to and waited on his former wife to a great extent their whole married life and, when she died, he didn't know what to do with himself. They were both in a nursing facility, at that point, and she hadn't recognized him for some time, but her death set him into a spin. He began proposing to other women he'd known all his life. Pretty much any woman he knew who was somewhat close in age. Never mind if he hadn't ever had an intimate or more-than-friendly relationship with her or if he even lived in the same state.

When she died, he lost a role he felt he needed to maintain, so he was looking for a stand-in. A replacement of sorts.

We can look sadly upon the behavior of an old man, but the desire to be connected to someone--anyone--seems to be a human tendency. We do better when connected to others. Living in complete isolation tends to make us a little crazy--even in prison, inmates prefer some contact--but security mates aren't usually the best answer.

We need to learn to create more effective connections--and more of them. Getting into a relationship out of fear of being alone can cloud your judgment and lead to bad choices.

Being alone now doesn't mean you'll always be alone and even if you don't have a mate, you can invest in the people around you. Making a difference by giving of yourself to others can be very rewarding and can pave the way to making life-long relationships.

A bad relationship isn't better than no relationship, at all. Trust me on this.

FORGIVE, BUT FORGET?

The importance of forgiving your enemies is getting lots of attention these days, but it's harder to forgive those who are not your enemies. Injury or betrayal by a loved one is much more painful. And what's with the "forgetting" thing? Is it good to forget about an offense done to you? Do you have to "forget" in order to truly forgive?

From one perspective, it's important to not forget the circumstances of an offense/injury. Understanding is way more important than forgetting.

I think the intent behind this "forgetting" thing is good. We've all done destructive, hurtful things and, if the injured party continually brings up our foolish behavior even after they say they've forgiven us, we don't feel forgiven. Not really. I get that, but I still contend that you need to remember and fully understand the relationship history.

There are some who misunderstand the way forgiveness works. You can forgive in an "absentia" sort of. You know, forgive a random fool who injured you because you don't want to drain your own life energy by hating him/her? Like when you've been the victim of a crime or a loved one has been snatched away by some horrible means? The problem comes when you forgive and forget in a relationship. This can unfortunately take place without either of you really understanding what the hell happened.

It's no good to forgive if the same offense/situation will simply reoccur.

Forgiveness requires change and change requires both parties to understand what happened. This is most important in relationships. You can say you're sorry--and you probably are--but if the relationship is to be different, you need to understand why you did whatever you did.

This kind of situation arises when one person in a relationship cheats--or leaves and returns. Often, they promise never to commit this breach again, but that kind of promise needs understanding behind it. If not, the one promising is just setting him/herself up for failure. And in a relationship, this kind of failure pierces every one's heart.

The relationship needs to be different after the offense. It needs to work well for everyone so we don't create opportunities for further offenses. Change can happen. People deal with all sorts of things in relationships and, if they really learn from whatever was going on, they can heal and move forward.

But forgetting isn't usually a desirable goal.

THE URGE TO DIAGNOSES

"My husband and I have been married a little over a year. We don't fight a lot, but when we do, it's terrible. A yr ago, we got into a couple of knock-down drag-outs where he called me ugly names and insulted me cruelly. I slapped him twice. He quickly let me know that this was a break-it issue for him and I promised to never do it again and I haven't since. My problem now is that there's a huge double standard in our marriage. It ranges from simple things--he's very sensitive and gets very upset with me if I snap at him or am short with him, but he snaps and is short with me. He makes snide remarks to me and doesn't think anything of it. If we get into arguments, he's ALWAYS threatens divorce, telling me he doesn't love me. He leaves and spends nights elsewhere. Several times, I've asked him not to do this, but he seems to have decided to keep doing this rather than taking a breath and really thinking about things when we argue. I'm in really a bad state about this mentally.

 

I'm trying to decide if I should give up on the marriage. I think he truly believes he's better than me, so to speak. He's actually admitted this when we were arguing. I know he loves me, but I don't feel like he respects me or cares about my needs. I need to know- 1) does this sound like a marriage doomed for failure? 2) how can I get him to stop some of these behaviors since asking him to isn't working? 3) any other suggestions u may have"--Should I Leave

 

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Dear "Should I",

 

Only you can decide whether or not to stay in a marriage. No one else gets to vote on this, but as I read your email, I found myself wondering how you'd come to the conclusion that your husband loves you. You said he's admitted--when you were arguing--that he thinks he's better than you and he's talked repeatedly about divorce. You also said he snaps at you and tells you he doesn't love you.

 

What the heck!

 

Still, the two of you are together and that must mean there is some value for you in the relationship. You're the only one who gets to decide whether that's enough to make it worth your while to stay.

 

The two of you clearly do not know how to actually listen to one another. I'll bet that the hurling of insults and the threats of divorce come after one or both of you are very frustrated, feeling the other isn't listening. The challenge with employing this vital behavior in relationships is that you get all tangled up in your own emotions. It's hard to hear his feelings without interrupting, rushing to conclusions or tuning out while you formulate your own response to whatever he's saying.

 

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THE URGE TO DIAGNOSE

 

 

All too often, clients sit in my office and talk of their relationship issues, pausing to tell me earnestly that they think their--lover, spouse, child, sister, et cetera--is bipolar or depressed and should be medicated. I'm a therapist, not a psychiatrist, so it's not even an option for me to medicate anyone. Even if I could, I don't think it would solve all their problems.

 

In this era of increased acceptance of mental health issues, we often get confused between diagnosable illness and relationship issues. Even people with no label have relationship challenges. Since the clients venturing into the diagnostic arena have no training in the field, their musing about the potential problems of their loved ones can only indicate that they're trying to figure their mess out. Completely understandable. Whatever relationship is causing you grief, you naturally want to understand it.

 

We want reasons. They seem to make life more manageable.

 

Medication can be helpful for the severely depressed, but most individuals don't fall into this category. Your loved ones can be difficult to live with and make very challenging choices without being either depressed or bipolar.

 

Use a great deal of caution in throwing around diagnoses; the person on the other end won't likely forget and your accusation of mental illness won't help the relationship find resolution.





KIDS: MISBEHAVIOR & FEAR

Your child's words of anger may upset you, but it's important to realize that they're pipsqueaks. You're the big dog, even though you may not feel like it and you may not know what to do to get them to behave or to eat sensibly.

As crazy as it sounds to frustrated, well-meaning parents, children are very aware of being smaller and weaker than adults. Even teens--the terror of the parenting world--are fearful of what lies ahead. They don't feel capable of handling the world and they need you as much as they hate needing you.

You need to be the rock.

I know you don't always feel like a rock and you're very aware of your own shortcomings and your many parenting mistakes. Your children, however, know they need you. They also love you and get scared when you're angry or upset. You see the mad (and, really, wouldn't you rather they be pains with you than with others who don't love them?) You get the dirty rooms and the teacher conferences that make you feel inadequate. You struggle to pay the bills and you're often the one dealing with ex-spouses over child support and visitation.

Being a parent isn't a picnic, but being a kid is hard, too.

Often when children misbehave and act like total jerks, they're scared. They need to know you're there and you'll protect them. They need you to discipline them so they learn consequences. You've taken on the job of parenting--one of the hardest on this earth--and you're all the lies between your kids and a scary world. It's more than keeping them safe from strangers. You also have the job of keeping them safe from your friends and relatives! They rely on your watchful eye and they rarely thank you for it.

You screw up; we all do. You make lousy relationship choices. You may have struggled with appropriate alcohol use and you may also be putting yourself through college.

They may rarely tell you how much they rely on you, but that doesn't mean they don't appreciate it.

Even though they get mad.... Even though they're jerks sometimes.

WORKING MY WAY OUT OF A JOB

After several weeks or months of therapy, some of clients just go away. And this is okay, although I do prefer them to cancel or just not reschedule. No shows are a waste of my time and are particularly frustrating when I have others waiting for open appointment times.

Still, I get it. Knowing how to leave the therapy experience can be difficult. Therapy is by nature a connected interaction. Regardless which particular theory any counselor subscribes to, they've all be trained to offer a sensitive, aware presence to clients. Therapists are taught to listen. We're trained not to judge because 1). it doesn't help the therapy process and 2). we all screw up sometimes. Some therapists are better than others at conveying warmth and acceptance--even when you struggle to accept yourself.

Seeking therapy can feel weird. Clients walk in, sit down and pour out their most personal struggles to a complete stranger. Weird.

If the therapist is good at her job, clients leave with both a feeling of having been accepted and with some insight about the difficulties in their lives. This is after all, the point of the whole thing.

I often tell clients that I'm in the business of working my way out of a job. I hope to assist to the point that clients no longer need to come in. It can be awkward, however, for clients to know how to leave. Some people grow beyond the struggles that brought them into therapy--they learn how to handle their challenges. Some decide they don't want to deal with--or can't decide how to deal with--the issues that brought them into therapy. So they stop coming. Of course, some clients just don't click with a therapist and don't get anything out of their sessions. This is usually evident to the client--although not always to the therapist--pretty early on in the relationship.

At the end of sessions, I habitually ask clients whether they want to call if they'd like to reschedule or if they want to set up a time then. I do this to avoid the impression that I'm in charge of this therapy--this is your situation and you have the right to decide how to proceed. Yes, I'm the highly-trained professional. I have no problem reflecting your dilemma and presenting the various options to the challenges you face. But I'm very aware that you get to drive your own therapy. This is your life and your call. It's totally your game.

Some clients, after developing a relationship with me as their therapist and having found value in returning for sessions, have a hard time knowing when to stop coming. I just want to say this--you can tell me when you think you don't need to come in again. I'm certainly okay with this. The whole purpose of our time together is for you to make your decisions/decide how to handle your complicated relationships/come to recognize ways to handle your depression or anxiety. When you're less distressed and ready to leave therapy, just tell me. I'm all good with that.

Sometimes when a client expresses success or improvement, I talk gently about seeing them every other week or about them calling me if they'd like to see me again. I don't do this because I'm tired of their problems or because I think they should handle things on their own. I just want clients to know that I'm okay with them not coming back.

The whole point of this thing is for you not to need me anymore. Some clients express anxiety at the thought of not coming back for their regular sessions. I always point out their successes and stress they can always call me, if difficulties again arise. I'm not going anywhere.

I love your feeling better. When you get tired of coming in or when your life is smoothing out, just tell me.