RELATIONSHIP TROUBLE SIMMERING

All couples have disagreements at times, but trouble starts brewing when these conflicts aren't resolved. I mean, resolved so everyone feels understood and satisfied with the outcome. This means that both partners actually hear one another, paying attention to the concerns of both. Everyone comes out of these arguments feeling their issues were aired and seriously considered.

This is not always the case and it always leads to trouble.

I shudder when couples on home improvement reality shows talk about one person always getting his or her way. Think about it--do you like being with someone when you never win? When all you do is lose?

Of course, not. Initially, this may not seem like a big deal and a section of the population shrugs and goes along to keep the peace. The trouble is that this gets old fast. After a while, you find yourself choosing to be with others when before, you'd have chosen your mate.

Typically, people have relationship disagreements and--because they're tired of fighting--they get over it. This doesn't mean anything is resolved or that they feel good about the way things worked out, but you move on. You certainly don't think that these relationship problems are gaining strength. But, over time, this kind of situation breeds discontent and that leads to eventual relationship break-down.

Sadly, when the always-losing relationship partner gets finally fed up, they're done. They've been unhappy a long time--and have often thought of leaving for a long time. The relationship is over with little chance of revival. The partner who usually wins all disagreements is stunned, unable to believe that things are this bad. But this is when the unhappy partner is half-way out the door.

Sometimes, they've become interested in someone else or some other life issue has brought them to a turning point.

It's a bad thing when one partner is always right.

Getting outside, professional input when your relationship has a fighting chance is only smart. If you find yourself with a flickering interest in extramarital party or if you find yourself dreaming of living alone--get relationship help immediately.

Don't wait until it's too late.

DON'T JUST ASK

When clients sit in my office, explaining their relationship problems, I always ask about their communication and they always tell me that they listen well. I believe that they think they listen, but if their relationship partner is sitting in the session with them when I ask this question, they often shake their heads when I ask if their mate listens to them.

You think you're listening, but your partner doesn't feel heard. Something isn't working.

Many times, when partners are in the middle of conflicted conversations--that's all some relationships have--there's lots of talking, but no one is listening. This generally goes both ways, but your focus needs to be on what you're not doing. After all, you can change this.

Let's start with that one--look at yourself and what you are or aren't doing. I'm not saying everything is your problem or that you're the only one causing issues, but you have the most direct power over what  you do. It only makes sense to start changing what you have direct control over--you.

The question isn't so much whether you think you're listening to your partner(most of us do think this). Ask your partner whether he or she feels heard by you.

Basic question. Needs to be asked simply. Don't add a lot of words to it, just ask.

Some of us talk too much, while others don't say nearly enough. To find out what's happening with your partner--you need to ask. Then listen without interrupting. Don't rush in to explain yourself. Absolutely don't say, "No, you don't feel that way." (I mean, who's the one who'd know best? You or your partner?)

If your mate claims that you don't listen, then maybe you'd better find out more. First, say that you want them to feel heard. This is true if you have any interest in the relationship. Yes, you want to feel heard, too. But you really do what him to feel you listen.

Next, invite your mate to tell you whatever she'd like.  You may get blasted, but maybe not. Either way, resist the natural urge to defend yourself or explain whatever she's not taking into account. (Trust me, the urge will be strong.)

Then do your best to listen hard enough to be able to repeat back to her--to her satisfaction--what she said.

It's not enough to ask what's going or what's bothering him. You need to be engaged enough to be able to tell him--after he's told you--what's bothering him. Please don't try to tell him what you think is bothering him. It'll probably be wrong.

RELATIONSHIPS--THE COMPATIBILITY HOAX

Lots of people are looking for love and floundering around about what gives them the best shot at a satisfying, enduring love. After having several failed relationships, they often try to find a mate with whom they share preferences and opinions. This sadly can lead to even more relationship disaster.

The trouble is that individuals get confused between values and personality traits. You need to share one, but not the other.

My husband and I laugh remembering the incident when he talked me into helping him move a refrigerator down a flight of stairs. Just the two of us, mind you, and I'm not particularly brawny. Actually not at all. This happened early in our relationship (yes, we got it down the stairs without killing anyone, but it was close) and it functions as an example of all the times my risk-taking husband has talked me into stuff. Seriously, I sometimes doubt my own intelligence in these situations.

Still, Roger works for me partially because he is a risk-taker, unlike me. He thinks outside the box; he sees options I don't see. In short, he's nothing like me in this way. I close the cabinet doors as I walk through the kitchen. I throw away the top to the milk jug(without realizing he's still using it!) and I like to make lists.

He and I are not alike. Despite this, we've been married so long we sound much older than we are (early marriage!).

Being different in personality has been really good for us. We each have skills the other doesn't have. We see angles the other doesn't see. It's like having someone on the other end of the teeter totter--lots more fun than just sitting there by myself.

This wouldn't be true, however, if my husband and I had different values. From early on, we both valued education, we shared the same beliefs on religion and we even have pretty much the same politics.

We've had some rough spots(he wanted kids; I didn't) in the values area and we've had to make some challenging decisions, but after living with him--and working with lots of couples--I'm convinced that compatibility doesn't mean being the same. The problem with sharing the same outlook--seeing the world the same way--is that you have no one to help you see a different perspective. Seeing the other side of a question is always helpful. You may not change your mind, but your perspective is much better.

You don't have to be the same. Actually, it's probably better if you aren't. What you do need to have in common is your values. You need to want the same things in life. Values includes lifestyle and goals and they function to guide your life choices.

You need to respect your own perspective. You certainly have validity in your outlook, but compatibility doesn't mean your mate has to have the same perspective.

WHY DO THEY BATTER?

I recently came across a comment that lots of professionals weigh in on why people stay with partners who batter, but not many discuss why batters batter.

I'm not going to give you a diagnosis. These are offered up and folks latch on to them. Various labels are often thrown at each other in the manner of weapons. It doesn't help anyone. If you're in a physically or verbally abusive relationship, resist the urge to tell your mate what you think is wrong with him. It doesn't help in any way.

Battering behavior--hitting or physically assaulting your mate--can come from several places, but almost always, people hit when they struggle to better communicate whatever is going on with them. They will almost always say the victim wasn't listening or wouldn't listen any other way.

Like getting struck by the person you love makes you want to listen harder.

Although it may be difficult to understand, individuals who hurt others almost always feel justified in doing this. They don't feel powerful or strong or terrific about themselves. They almost always feel that the victim has in some way hurt them.

I'm not saying this is rational or that there is ever any reason to hit, shove or hurt another person. Not only does no one have this right, it just doesn't work to make things better.

Even in the most extreme situations, those who do horrific things have convinced themselves that there is no other option, no other way to get what they want/need. Afterwards, as victims are dealing with whatever injuries were inflicted on them, the one who struck out violently feels terrible. Some apologize profusely, others defend themselves by telling the victim they asked for it.

When the murderer Jeffrey Dahmer spoke of his crimes, he talked of doing unspeakable things to get the victims to stay with him.

Who hasn't struggled with loss, fear and anger in relationships? We've all felt hurt and most of us have struck out against the ones we loved with whom we were struggling--hopefully not struck out physically, but sometimes horrible words are said.

People who batter--both men and women--need better tools to deal with relationship issues. They need to learn effective communication. The term can sound ridiculous in this context, but learning to express and to listen to others can give individuals tremendous personal power. This is what those who hit need--personal power.

They also need to learn they can survive relationship loss. This hurts and it can leave us feeling bereft to the point of struggling to go on, but we have the capacity to deal with loss without demolishing ourselves or hurting others.l

SHE SAYS YOU NEVER LISTEN....

For a long time I've been talking about the importance of listening to your partner. The urge is to explain your position and most people do this over and over because they don't feel heard by the other person. On the other hand, your mate isn't feeling heard either. So both of you keep repeating yourselves and no one is really focused on listening.

Everyone assures me they are listening to their partners, though. Really.

I certainly don't want to deny this. The problem, however, is that she often doesn't feel heard. You may be repeating yourself again and again--possibly even raising your voice because louder seems to be better at that moment. But if you're not conveying to her that you hear and understand what she's saying to you, it doesn't matter what you say in return.

So, maybe you are listening. Maybe you're trying very hard to understand him. Maybe you do understand, but you also want to be understood yourself. This is reasonable. Relationships can only flourish when both partners function to value the other, as well as, themselves.

The trick is to respond to your partner in a manner that conveys you are actually listening. If you want to be heard, make sure she knows you're listening to her. Repeat back to her what you've heard her tell you. You'll be wrong--you won't have heard whatever she said exactly the way she meant it. This is very common. Ask her to tell you again, and really work at listening to what she's saying until you can repeat it back to her satisfaction.

This is a terribly important part of communication. Sometimes couples come to my office with communication issues, but as they talk it comes out that they're actually in agreement on the issues. Seriously. You may be agreeing in actual fact, but getting distressed because you don't believe your partner is hearing your side of things.

So. repeat it back. Get his confirmation that this is what he's telling you. It'll make a big difference.

COMFORTING OTHERS

Being around a grieving person can be really awkward. Whether this individual is mourning the death of a loved one or the end of a relationship, it can be hard to know what to say to him.

Some people just flat out avoid individuals dealing with these kinds of losses. They may feel bad about doing so, but they don't know what to say or do. But grieving people are very aware of who is and who isn't there for them, sometimes leaving hard feelings.

They sometimes tell me about it.

Still--do you send flowers? Do you tell them their loved one is "out of pain" now or that they're well out of what you thought was a bad relationship? What the heck to you do?

Knowing how they're reacting to this loss is very difficult! They could be all over the map. It's true that--unless you know specifically what the other person feels about the loss--offering solutions or making statements about the situation can be fraught with pitfalls.

Those who have suffered losses usually have a list of stupid things people said to them in their moment of bereavement. In attempting to offer comfort, people blunder along, making comments that not only don't comfort, but can be hurtful and annoying. You might assure the grieving person that the one they lost is "with God in heaven" when she not only doesn't believe in heaven, but isn't comforted by the loved one being anywhere but with her. If the person you're attempting to comfort is sad over the loss of a relationship, you may be tempted to say you've "never liked him" or to list all the annoying things he did.

So here's a Comforting-Others 101 guide:

1. Whatever the situation or however you personally feel about their loss--don't say they're "well out of it." You may be doing cartwheels at the end of a very destructive relationship(me, when my daughter got a divorce), but never, never let on to this.

2. Listen to what the grieving person says to you. This is your best key to knowing how the heck to respond. Even though you may have different beliefs about death, don't rush in to share these. Trust me, you have a better chance at offending than comforting.

3. Let yourself be simple. Don't try to fix it or distract the grieving person out of his sadness. Don't try to make it better--in that grief-filled moment, they don't believe they'll ever feel better and you don't get points for saying they will.

4. Do simple, helpful things. I once had a friend offer to clean and fill a grieving friend's refrigerator. Basic things can be very appreciated.

5. Key to all this is to take your cue from the one who's suffering. Be with when she wants someone to be there. Leave her alone when she wants to be alone.

6. Don't expect others to grieve like you do. This can be hard because we usually tend to come from our own perspective, but resist the urge.

Sometimes, the greatest comfort is just having someone there. Not that they say anything brilliant or magically take the pain away. As a therapist, I sometimes see grieving individuals who just need someone to listen. That can be the greatest comfort.

SECURITY MATES

Some say it's a relief to be alone after a terrible relationship ends, but most don't feel this way. Many people--in all walks of life--barely wait for their current relationships to be declared dead before they sign up for an on-line dating site or head out to the bars. It's like a relay race where the baton cannot be dropped. You must have a new date/mate before the old one falls away.

Lets just admit it, being alone scares the heck out of most people and this can lead to some questionable relationship choices.

Some people chose to stay in their current relationships--even though they aren't happy there and may be very unhappy--because they'd rather have a bad mate than no mate at all.

Others have hooked up with an almost-mate. You know, he's almost what they want, but not really. He's interested in her/her parents like him/he goes to the same church--or my favorite--she's known him forever. Like this somehow makes an unhappy relationship better.

I get that a shared history is a shared something, but you deserve more than familiarity.

Not long ago, an elderly, infirm male relative of mine was widowed. He'd catered to and waited on his former wife to a great extent their whole married life and, when she died, he didn't know what to do with himself. They were both in a nursing facility, at that point, and she hadn't recognized him for some time, but her death set him into a spin. He began proposing to other women he'd known all his life. Pretty much any woman he knew who was somewhat close in age. Never mind if he hadn't ever had an intimate or more-than-friendly relationship with her or if he even lived in the same state.

When she died, he lost a role he felt he needed to maintain, so he was looking for a stand-in. A replacement of sorts.

We can look sadly upon the behavior of an old man, but the desire to be connected to someone--anyone--seems to be a human tendency. We do better when connected to others. Living in complete isolation tends to make us a little crazy--even in prison, inmates prefer some contact--but security mates aren't usually the best answer.

We need to learn to create more effective connections--and more of them. Getting into a relationship out of fear of being alone can cloud your judgment and lead to bad choices.

Being alone now doesn't mean you'll always be alone and even if you don't have a mate, you can invest in the people around you. Making a difference by giving of yourself to others can be very rewarding and can pave the way to making life-long relationships.

A bad relationship isn't better than no relationship, at all. Trust me on this.