Gangbangers & Sorority Sisters

Everybody needs a friend or two…and friendship is almost as difficult to find these days as love. To be rootless and disconnected is bad for your health and your emotional life. We want to belong. To be connected to others who are like us or, at least, to those who appreciate and value us. Love us, maybe a little.

In today's world, more families are in disarray. Scarred by unhealthy interactions or built on hope rather than true affection. Families are too frequently cobbled together from transient relationships--half-siblings and step-siblings and "sort of" siblings from relationships that never made it to matrimony. Its no wonder we want to find a place to belong.

Thus, we find an almost universal urge to find a non-family place to belong. Many kids from lower socio-economic backgrounds seek solace in joining gangs. Say what you will about the destructivity of the lifestyle--and there's a lot to say--there's also a sense of connectivity, a place to fit. People who'll protect you and stand up for you. It may seem nuts, but a gang membership can feel like the safest place a kid can be.

Those from a higher socio-economic background might find a similar sense of belonging in a group experience that fills the same needs. Fraternities and sororities address the urge for connection and they come with their own set of rules and requirements. Gangs cultivate a tougher, more anti-social image than college-associated groups, but the basic rites of membership aren't that different. While most college frats and sororities don't go in for the type of physically-demeaning hazing that made the news a few years ago, the sense of brother- or sisterhood is a major draw for these groups.Loyalty is stressed and demanded.

Churches are recognizing the need for friendships and a trend toward small "home" church groups responds to this. The drive toward human connections seems built into our DNA. Even people who hate the hassles that come with allowing others into their lives still admit that being totally alone sucks.

Friendships, for some, is the new place that feels like "home." Shared activities and shared lifestyles give us a sense of security and of having a place we fit. Family is too frequently a battle ground of unresolved emotion and unfulfilled expectations. Just look at the angst mixed with hope that descends on most people as the holiday season approaches. Home furnishings and home décor purchases rise during this time of year because we want our family members--however you define "family"--to be impressed when they stop by for holiday gift exchanges or dinner. The experience of family can be fraught with complications. Many of us feel a strong need to impress those who are supposed to know and love us best.

Truthfully, all human interaction brings the possibility of betrayal and pain, as well as, tremendous comfort and belonging--sometimes all mixed together. Still, disconnection is not good for us. Isolation makes physical illness more likely and generally adds to the stress we feel. Whether you frequent a bar where "everyone knows your name," find a church to attend or join a group that goes sailing every weekend, be aware of your own values and the values of the group you're in. The need for connection and a sense of "rootedness" is powerful and pervasive. You don't, however, gain much by joining a group that requires you to function in a way that doesn't add to your well-being.

We need to belong, but we need to go into relationships with our eyes open. Friendships can be a source of tremendous warmth and emotional gratification, but they shouldn't require sacrificing your beliefs in order to belong. Make sure that you're taking care of yourself, as well as, your friendships.

Holiday Dread

Most people hate the crowds at the mall and for many hearing Christmas carols in October seems like a reason for whacking the first Santa-suited fool spotted. For some, however, the season brings more than the occasional small annoyance. Many people find the holidays to be a season to be survived like a bad dream on drugs.

Not a joyful time for all, this yearly insanity can underline the jarring difference between what your family relationships are supposed to be and what they really are. You may wish for relatives to spend happy times with around the fire and close friends who play silly board games together. Instead, many have relatives who get drunk and say rude things and people who are supposed to love us, but still get us gifts they know we'll hate.

This is, unfortunately, not always a happy time of year. Expectations frequently clash with reality.

There's a reason why we drink too much and spend too much around the holidays. Year after year, those of us who work in the helping professions see a pattern. People, who came to us earlier in the year in dire need of help with their relationships, suddenly don't have time for therapy. They have too many things to do to get ready for the holidays. They're going to be HAPPY, by God. Too often the calls we do get are from those individuals who are struggling to find a reason to keep living.

January is usually door-buster time in the therapy business.

At few other times in the year are the trimmings associated with happy, healthy relationships more celebrated. Most people do try. We spend money to upgrade our home décor--relatives and friends will be coming over! we say. Buy the new furniture! Carpet the house! We spend way too much money and charge too much on our credit cards for gifts for those individuals we want to feel loved, or those we want to love, but can't quite get there. We eat too much, drink too much, and try to get too much done.

People work really hard to feel great at this time of year.

If you dread seeing your relatives, first, examine your own expectations and then look at how you're responding to the expectations others have of you. You might actually be wrong about what they're expecting. Checking out the reality of someone else's thoughts and wishes is always a good idea. Ask them what they think the season should be like. If others do expect behavior from you that aren't healthy or don't fit what you're really feeling, resist the urge to conform "just for the holidays." The season is a lousy reason to force behavior you don't want to do.

Don't succumb to the fantasy that people you can't stand the rest of the year will become lovable for these few weeks in December. Be reasonable in what you need to anticipate from others and what you can do yourself.

Many women's magazines publish articles every year on how not to get overwhelmed by all the stuff you have to do. The food to be cooked, the gifts to be bought, the costumes to be made(or purchased) for whatever kid in whatever holiday program. Why at this time to celebrate peace and joy on earth--for many religions and the non-religious as well--do we dread the holidays? Why do we try so hard to be especially happy even when we're not in the happiest of situations?

Maybe its time to accept the reality of your relationships and shoot for more reasonable expectations. Doing this takes some of the pressure off you and others. While it's understandable to want to feel very loved and very loving, table decorations and the perfect cranberry sauce won't do it. Relationships that are conflicted don't magically get better at Christmas(despite what all the Christmas movies are selling). Don't just scale back your excessive, emotional spending, work on looking objectively at yourself(hard to do!) and the people in your life. If you have a broken or bruised relationship that needs work, work on it. Don't expect a Christmas miracle. Relationships are complicated, but they can definitely be fixed if both individuals involved are willing to put forth some effort.

Unhealthy interactions don't heal magically over eggnog. Tinsel and just the right gift don't really heal hurt feelings. Gifts can be fun, both getting and giving. Living in excess to try to make something better, however, isn't good for your health, your budget or your heart. Step outside the myth we've created about the holidays. If it was bad before the holiday season and nothing is done beyond the gift and dinner trappings, its going to be bad after the holidays are over. That's just a fact.

Tell yourself, you're going to enjoy the quiet pleasures that can be found at this time of year and let go of the dread. Do the things you enjoy doing and let the rest go. If you like to decorate, do it for the fun you get out of it. Listen to Christmas carols, drive around looking at lights. Enjoy the the warmth of a religious service. Stop pressuring yourself to produce the perfect holiday. It just doesn't work. If you're angry, depressed and crabby, your loved ones won't enjoy the perfect meal you baked or thank you for the perfect gift you found. And if you can't afford it, giving the big ticket gift won't yield you anything beyond a momentary pleasure and a painful credit card bill in January.

The holidays can be an enjoyable time to do different kinds of things than we normally do. Make this season an enjoyable time by facing it realistically and stop dreading what you feel you're supposed to be doing.

Relationship Ammo

Sometimes relationships can feel like a battlefield and all you want is some peace. You smooth things over, trying to avoid any subject that's trouble. Still, in a day or a week, fireworks start up again and the two of you are exchanging ugly words and accusations. The fighting may spring up out of nothing and it can wear you down.

If you were sitting in a therapist's office and she asked you why the two of you are still together, you'd probably mumble something about the kids or the years you put into the relationship. Then, you might say, "Well, I do really love him" or "When she's not yelling at me, there's no one I'd rather be with."

The trouble isn't the arguments. Conflict happens in every relationship. The difference is how you deal with it. I sometimes see couples in counseling who rush to tell me that they never argue. You may be surprised to learn that that's not a good thing. Conflict can either be overt or covert. If its out in the open you have a better chance of finding resolution, but open conflict doesn't mean calling one another names. Name-calling is a pointless waste of time that's only satisfying for the moment and only happens when you don't know how to work through problems.

So, where's the ammo? The very best ammunition to take to battle with the one you love is a knowledge of yourself. For relationship conflict to be effectively resolved, you need to have some idea of what works for you. You need to know how and when you feel loved by your partner. You also need to know why the things he does drive you crazy. Most folks tend to fall into the habit of thinking, "Of course that makes me nuts. It would make anyone nuts!"

Wrong. This is very personal and you're the person you need to question first. Why does it bother you that he always wants his buddies over to the house? Do you think he likes them better than you and doesn't really want to spend time with you alone? Or do you just need some quiet time at home without always hosting a party? Know yourself. Communicating with your partner is much, much easier if you have an idea why the things that bother you bother you so much.

Don't think that she knows how you feel about things and just doesn't care that her volunteering to work on the weekends really upsets you. If you get to my office and I ask you why you're still with your partner, you'll probably tell me that you love one another. People who don't love one another don't usually call a therapist, they look up divorce lawyers or movers.

So, know what you need, but don't think it stops there. Once you've figured out why things bother you, you need to know how to communicate this. I'm not talking about giving your partner a list of "don'ts." Much though you may sometimes want to, you don't get to control the one you love. What works much better is to share with your partner the thoughts and feelings you have when he exhibits certain behaviors. "When you do this, I feel…." This statement can help to avoid blaming (which makes her defensive and makes it harder for her to hear what you're saying). It also helps you get to an understanding of what's going on in the relationship.

Understanding yourself and your loved one may not clear up all the problems, but it’s a heck of a good start. When the two of you know yourselves and each other, the heat of the argument tends to be reduced. In a non-attacking moment of understanding, resolution can be crafted.

Knowing yourself and learning how to share what's happening with you (without blame) is the very best relationship ammo.

Love Lies

Don't kid yourself that your relationship is different. Love rarely includes total honesty. In fact, life involves various levels of untruth. Most of us learn as kids that its safer to lie in a variety of situations. We lie to protect ourselves from bad consequences. Lying seems like the best idea in these situations. This is not usually reality, but it often seems like a good plan.

The less-powerful tend to lie to whomever is perceived as more-powerful.

Many people feel strongly about honesty and truth in love relationships. They define "love" as having someone who doesn't lie to them. If you can't believe what your lover says, how can you know that they love you? So, lying is bad. But what about so-called "white lies." The occasional social lie that we tell ourselves doesn't hurt anyone and may, in fact, keep them and us from ugly, unnecessary realities. Then, there are the things we tell people to take care of them, to make them okay. If we don't want a friend or lover to feel bad, we say, "You look great in that outfit" when they really, really don't. It depends on your point-of-view whether or not this is truly kind.

Then there are relationship dishonesties. You might assure your lover that you're okay with a situation when it truly rankles in your soul. It can seem like the noble thing to do, but doesn't your partner need to know if you have a problem with a situation? Don't you, at least, need to understand what's bothering you?

Its less noble, but just as true that you may also lie sometimes to your mate get off your back. You love her, but sometimes she bugs you or freaks out about nothing. If you tell her the truth, it'll just end up in a pointless argument, you reason. Better to just not get into it.

Not really.

Avoiding arguments by dishonesty will eventually come back and bite you on the tushie. Sooner or later, your mate will find you out in your lie and then the argument you were trying to avoid is really big. This kind of lie goes right to the core of a relationship and leaves your lover wondering if anything you've told him is true.

Then, there are the lies we tell ourselves about our love relationships. These are perhaps the worst. Relationships are never uncomplicated. Think about it--you are a very complex, unique individual. Your mate is also a unique individual. Now, let's put those complexities in an intimate relationship and we have…lots of interesting situations. Life gives you many situations and everyone of them impacts not only you, but your mate, as well. Its like driving a semi with two huge trailers. You can only directly control the engine--yourself, and that's sometimes difficult! But those who are connected to you--the ones who love you--are impacted by where you turn, impacted by your choices.

Honesty really is the best policy in relationships, not because of any moral reason, but because you lie for lousy reasons. You want to side-step issues in the relationship that need to be dealt with or you don't want to see the reality of the relationship. Maybe you don't want to be alone, or you hate the dating/mating process, so you stay in a bad situation…and you lie to yourself that its "okay." Lying is almost always a sign of trouble. If you find yourself dodging the truth, better do some soul-searching and figure out why.

Love--seriously real love--doesn't need dishonesty to keep it going.

Kids, College, and Loans

Let's get real. Going to college on scholarship doesn't work for most kids. While costs for higher education continue to rise and many colleges offer their students some kind of financial aid, that aid usually takes the form of loans. The scholarships that are offered do not generally cover full or even half tuition.

While graduating high school with a parent-fed college fund is a great blessing, parents today often find themselves falling short of being able to even partially fund their kids educational ventures. The fat college fund is a rarity. This is an Xbox-Wii generation. Kids are accustomed to their parents providing Razor phones and video Ipods, but this lifestyle costs a heck of a lot. We aren't very good at delayed gratification and that's what saving money is all about. In the face of the shortfall, students--who aren't really great at looking to the future anyway--blithely assume they'll get full or significant scholarships to the big name colleges to which they aspire.

This is so not reality.

Even at most state schools there is a fierce competition for scholarship money. Kids who have a "B" average might as well forget about it unless they have a significant non-academic skill. Even those who've taken Advance Placement classes and aced them, can't necessarily expect colleges to hand them a free ride. So, generally, it's all about loans.

Getting a college education is vital for most jobs, but how to handle the cost? There are private and public universities and some are "sexier" than others, although this may have little to do with the quality of the educational outcome. A recent study of students who were accepted by Harvard and decided to go elsewhere were equal to Harvard grads in job success. This study indicates that it is students themselves who determine eventual success, not a degree from a "name" school.

Getting massive school loans to go the more prestigious universities is probably not the best idea. The affordability factor makes state schools much more attractive and, for most, more than adequate. Many people believe that graduating from a big name school leads to prestige and "contacts" in the job market. Many elite universities count on this name-brand snobbery. Truthfully, a degree is a degree is a degree. For most careers, the degree gets you the job, not the university it comes from. Once the degree is framed and on the wall, no one really cares.

The exception for this might be those fantasy diplomas from on-line "universities." While more and more brick-and-mortar schools are offering distance-learning, students who graduate from purely on-line schools may still face disparity in the job market.

If you're heading to college or you've got a kid who's graduating high school soon, think hard about the growing college loan load. Particularly if students don't know what career they want, piling up college debt can be a really bad idea. For some high-earning jobs, school loans make sense. Physicians and lawyers have big earning potential. Getting school loans for these graduate degrees makes sense. There are, however, many meaningful, fulfilling careers that don't offer salaries to easily pay off student debt while still being able to live. Attending a big name school on loans to get a graduate degree in social work doesn't make a lot of sense for most students.

Think about the loan-to-salary ratio. When you finish school, throw your mortar board in the air and head off for job interviews, you need to be able to support yourself while you pay off any loans you've accrued. This is just reality and sometimes it sucks.

By all means, get a college degree. Heck, get two! Higher education can be the path to a fulfilling life, but be smart about it. After all, it is the rest of your life and spending twenty years paying off unnecessary student loans is a waste.

The Pre-Cheating Relationship Phase

As bad as things sometimes are, you're not ready to break-up. Your partner has really made you mad, doesn't listen to you sometimes and doesn't seem interested in what concerns you. You aren't ready to call the moving company, but you probably bitch to your friends. Maybe a lot. You may feel hurt and end up doing things you know will annoy him, like going out more with your girlfriends or buying really expensive shoes. Its not that you don't love him, you're just…angry.

You'll both get over it. Everyone fights now and then, right? It doesn't mean you don't love each other. But the fights are getting uglier…and you're fighting about the same things without really making any progress.

This is what the pre-cheating phase of relationships look like.

No one engages in cheating behavior because he or she doesn’t care. While there may be the occasional relationship-impaired individual who doesn't even consider fidelity, most people expect to be faithful to their partners. When you first get together, you love one another. He makes you laugh, makes you feel better during your hormonal days and is generally the one you want to talk to when life's a bitch. It doesn't, however, stay this way.

Just in the nature of human interaction, every relationship involves conflict. Moments when you could scream. Really annoying habits, like her always leaving two or three bras hanging on the bedroom door knob. Or him leaving the toilet seat up. If you've got a relationship, you've got conflict.

The pre-cheating phase is one in which conflicts have arisen and not been adequately resolved. Over time, you can start to feel like your partner doesn't really care if you feel okay about the situation you're fighting over. And if you're feelings don't matter, the bedrock of your love starts to crumble a little.

The other woman laughs at your jokes, finds you really sexy and doesn't bitch about the same old things. She likes you. She wants your body. Little by little, you find yourself feeling closer to her than to the woman you're going home to.

Maybe you start exchanging racy emails with the other guy. There might be phone calls that start out with you trying to get "a guy's point of view." It doesn't feel like cheating because you're talking about your mate. You're trying to understand him. And yet, you find yourself talking to your guy friend four and five times a day. He understands you. You may answer your phone with a lilt in your voice when he calls while there may be a sense of heaviness when your mate phones. Will there be another fight? Is he mad because you didn't pay a bill? Or talk to the kid's teacher at school, as he requested?

You're not thinking of cheating because you still love your spouse, but cheating isn't something that happens suddenly. First, estrangement grows in relationships. You begin having more and more times when you don't feel close to your mate. Times when you aren't sure that you matter that much to her.

Cheating on your mate may not have even occurred to you, but problems in relationship--when left unattended--poison love. And when love is lying gasping on the floor, cheating doesn't seem like cheating. Its like turning away from darkness to what seems like light.

Relationships cycle, if you're not paying attention. They bloom, then regular life happens, then the relationship can start to corrode if you don't deal with the issues. On the downward swing, you may find yourself falling out of love with your mate and into attraction with someone else.

More and more couples are identifying 'emotional cheating'. This is generally a sign of things going bad. Pay attention to how you feel in relationships. Listen to how your mate feels. Deal with the issues or they'll end up killing the love. Don't let yourself slip into the Pre-Cheating Phase. Its the beginning of the end.

"A Lover I Can Trust!"

Singles often claim to be searching for a mate they can trust. Someone who won't disappoint them or let them down. This usually comes after being lied to and cheated on. Rather than trying to find a trustworthy lover, you might try putting some trust in yourself.

Bad, disappointing, frustrating relationships usually have warning signs at the very beginning and you just didn't see them or didn't want to see them. While no individual is perfect, the issues we face in relationship can usually be seen fairly quickly. Over and over, individuals on the brink of break-up or divorce admit that the problems were there from the start and they just didn't want to see them.

In the beginning of relationships, individuals often have giddy lists of their lovers' good qualities. As relationships progress, however, we often struggle with the nuts and bolts of long term love. Over time, the very qualities that enchanted you can become really annoying, even forming the foundation for betrayal and relationship disruption.

So how do you find the "good" man or woman? A mate who'll always be faithful and loyal? Maybe the answer lies in yourself.

Some people claim they only attract the losers, the dates who steal from them or treat them badly. Time after time, they're screwed over. There are, admittedly, some people in the world who've never liked to play by the rules. Sometimes, too, you might not be very clear in the rules of relationship that you consider important.

It's not always easy to see it, but the truth is that you're contributing to every bad relationship you have. You get to--have to--put at least fifty percent into every situation. This may not seem true in your case, but it is a reality. Because you always have the option to walk away--even really tough situations once had a moment when you could have walked away--you always have power in a relationship. You get to acquiese or refuse to be involved.

You may not always have the power to make it what you want it to be, but you have the power to change your experience. The most challenging aspect of relationships lies in our own struggle to see what we contribute and to get out when the situation calls for it. We tend to see what we want to see in relationships. The heart has very poor vision.

If you stumbled into a relationship while you were committed elsewhere--perhaps your lover was also married--you're engaging in tremendous optimism to believe that the two of you won't start looking around when there's trouble in your own marriage.

Don't expect loyalty from a guy who doesn't pay his child support or who steals from his boss. No matter what the emotional situation, some commitments are unquestionable. If you think your lover will be different with you than with her last husband, you're indulging in a sad optimism.

Don't just search for someone you can trust. Learn to trust your own instincts and your own assessment…even of the people you like.