Decision-Making: Emotional or Logical

Everybody thinks and everybody feels, but some make their decisions more from their heads and some more from their hearts. It is important to note that both these perspectives have value. Admittedly, both also have limitations.

The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is an instrument which reflects individuals' preferences on four different continuums. One of these four is Thinking-Feeling, and as a continuum, it is important to recognize that this isn't an either/or situation.

The rational individual tends more toward a cognitive assessment of situations and relationships, disregarding somewhat the emotional level. In fact, Thinking Types have generally focused so much of their energy in life on cognition that they aren't always aware of their emotions. This logical approach can be vital if calibrating machinery, but not so great when trying to work out relationship issues. The more emotional person, however, is almost always able to report what he or she is feeling at a given moment. Usually, Feeling Types can report multiple feelings at any time and tend to reflect these emotions in their faces. Objective decisions, however, aren't made out of emotions. The differences as to functionality in this thinking-feeling preferece lies in the situation at hand. Few of us want the pilot of an aircraft we're occupying to "do what she feels" in a crisis situation. Sometimes you need to be more logical, sometimes you need to know--and express!--what you feel.

It might be helpful to specify what is actually a feeling and what is a thought. Opinions, assessments and statements of fact are more logically-oriented. Personal values and emotions are feelings. Just as you can't "feel" the exact measurements of a room--most of us would need a ruler--you also can't rationally determine your own personal reaction to a given situation. Except when we're talking about chemistry or physics, reactions are generally emotional.

You have--and need--both cognition and feelings.

It is important to recognize, however, that you can't "feel that" someone else is doing or saying anything. Anytime you say, "I feel that you …", you're not actually talking about your feelings. You feel your own emotions, no one else's. You perceive others' feelings sometimes, but you'd better take a cautious approach to interpreting these. Never tell someone else what they feel. You can guess, but you have no ground to argue.

Emotions are probably the biggest challenge in personal relationships. Learning to understand your own emotional responses and trying to understand others' feelings will enable you to make your way successfully through many life situations. Most importantly, we all need a balance. Some challenges in relationshiops require us to be very rational and some situations call for emotional awareness. Learn to have access to both aspects of yourself and you'll have a better life.

Outsourcing Your Emotions, Part 2

Emotions are messy, sometimes inconvenient and not always pleasant. By definition of the word, whether very positive or very negative, emotions involve an 'agitation or disturbance.' Emotional intensity can be scary and there are individuals who prefer to function out of their rational capacity whenever possible, remaining even-keeled in all eventualities. Who wouldn't want to avoid emotions like pain and loss? Individuals may even make foolish choices based on "good" emotions or find themselves taking actions, they regret. Distancing from such a volatile experience can look like a much better option. It seems safer. We humans, however, all have emotions as well as thoughts. So what's a rational-preferring person to do with the disturbing emotions?

Out-Source your emotions.

When a thinking type kid of thirteen wanted to go with her friends to see a very sad, very popular movie, her more emotionally-sensitive mother declined to accompany them. But the daughter returned from the viewing very upset and tearful and begged her mother to go see it. Surprised at her level-headed child's distress, her mom agreed. However, to the mom's surprise, although she found the movie depressing for a week after seeing it, her daughter, who'd seen it twice, now seemed to have no distress, at all. The daughter had out-sourced her feelings. Passed them on like a relay race runner. She'd handed her emotional distress off to someone else who was now displaying emotional intensity for them both.

This kind of emotional out-sourcing might be defined as "letting someone else do the messy stuff" and is probably not a conscious action. Nonetheless, letting others do the feeling for you is generally a bad idea. Emotions, like a radio, can't be turned down so that just one sound is cut out. If you're turning down the volume for one emotion, you're closing them all off. This can lead to feeling remote from your own life and can even contribute to depression.

Another aspect of out-sourcing emotions can appear to have the best of intentions. Very rational people who "fix" other's lives, often tell themselves that they're okay if their loved one is okay. They can go to extremes in placing others' needs before their own and often lead lives filled with sacrifice. The theme, however, of one individual being okay if another individual is good, is simply a reflection of out-sourcing.

We are impacted by the emotions experienced by the people we love. To some, it seems the only way to control the impact on themselves, is to make sure the loved one always feels good, positive emotions. As you can imagine, this "fixing" of someone else's life is very hard to sustain and can lead to resentment if the "fixed" individual sees the fixer as controlling, which is likely.

Consider this scenario: you find yourself telling a loved one about an upsetting or distressing situation and your loved one gets really upset or angry on your behalf. Paradoxically, you then find yourself arguing the other side of the situation. You tell your loved one to calm down, explaining why it's not really so upsetting or distressing. You talk about how he ought to see it rationally--like you are--and not let it upset her.

Poof! You've just out-sourced. Now that she's upset, you're not. You might even find yourself forgetting that you ever were upset. It's just her who's angry, not you. You then can walk away from your own emotional distress like you've deposited it in a trash can.

Out-Sourcing.

However, this way of dealing with your emotions can have several negative effects. Your loved one will probably get really tired of being set-up to be the receptacle of your troubled feelings and the relationship will be affected in a bad way. In addition, you will have effectively disconnected and distanced yourself from your own emotions and, while this may seem easier at the moment, you'll come to worse struggles because of it.

Emotions, while not always warm and fuzzy, are functional. You need to feel what you feel. Some kinds of information comes packaged with feelings. Do you have an uneasy sense around a certain co-worker? Even though he's always smiling and laughing? He may just remind you of a kid in high school who used to bully you, but maybe darker things are brewing that you should examine. Some emotions have been given a bad name--just think if you've ever heard of Sadness Management classes or Happy Management classes! Anger has been given a bad rap. Anger, sadness, happiness, affection, annoyance--all are emotions, not behaviors.

You choose your behaviors and you need to quit blaming your emotions. You can feel an emotion and be okay. It won't kill you and it won't make you kill anyone else. In fact, feeling your emotions without trying to disconnect from them, will help you make better decisions and keep you in better mental and physical health.

Love and Vulnerability

One of the greatest joys of love is that it feeds the heart and makes the loved one--friend, lover or child--hugely significant to you. Whatever happens to whomever you love, you're impacted. Good or bad, it matters. Whatever that loved one chooses to do, also matters.

It is important here to make the distinction between "Love" as a feeling (and, remember, emotions shift) and "Love" as an commitment: a choice. The second of these involve actions. When love is a commitment, you generally act in a loving manner. These two, both emotion and commitment, may be found in one relationship…or not. The emotion of love can be experienced as easily as you seeing a really hot-looking girl on the elevator and from then on you're "in love" with her. Or, for that matter, you might find a great frozen yogurt shop you "love!"

Love as a choice, however, will probably alter your actions and how you live your life.

Disregarding the fleeting experience of infatuation, genuine love brings a determination to act in a loving manner. Don't kid yourself, if you don't place the best interests of those you care about at a high value, then you don't love.

Real love isn't easy or easily disconnected from. Love may bring incredible joy and a powerful rush, but it is also accompanied by a tremendous susceptibility. No one can hurt you like the one you love.

The intense investment in relationships leaves you open, even when you don't necessarily want to be vulnerable. We can see this in healthy, functional relationships, as well as, relationships which are dysfunctional to the point of being abusive. Few people really, overall, want to hurt the ones they love. But angry, hurtful words or hurtful physical actions usually take place when people feel vulnerable in a relationship. "Abusers" are generally trying to keep loved ones from behaviors which seem threatening, or are retaliating for a perceived-harm that's been done to them. This is not a defense of hurtful behaviors. Attacking words or physical violence are never okay and never effective.

It is sad, however, that you do tend to hurt the ones you love. Love leads to vulnerability, as well as a lot of other wonderful, fulfilling experiences. Individuals don't usually struggle with the warm, fuzzy up-lifting moments. Vulnerability, on the other hand, can be scary as hell.

The kicker to love-vulnerability is that even though you are tremendously impacted by the actions of the ones you love, you don't get to tell them what to do. Even if you're hurt by their actions, you still don't have control over their lives. When you're in a loving relationship, you get to choose your actions. Love is not about control. You do, however, get to tell loved ones how you're impacted by their choices. It is also your decision how you're with them--how you actually choose to involve yourself in the relationship interaction. You even get to choose the hardest thing of all…you can choose get out of the relationship. But you don't get to control the people you love.

Most individuals don't want to end their love relationships, however. The desire to hang on to the relationship usually motivates attempts to control the behaviors which seem threatening..attempts to control the person. It's understandable. You just want them to see what they're "doing to" you, to see the impact of their actions due to your vulnerability because you love them. But love ends when control enters the picture.

Some people try to avoid getting hurt by never letting themselves really care for someone else. However understable, this is sad. Love brings nurturing to our souls and we can't let the vulnerability that comes with it lead us to choices and actions we regret. Sometimes, you'll get hurt. It's one of the crappy parts of life. Not loving, though, leaves your heart in worse shape.

Quick Engagements

In this world of multiple marriages and repetitious divorces, the rapidity of making romantic commitments--particularly among the young--is increasing. Individuals at one time hesitated to use the word "love" in a relationship due to the implied commitment. Commitment was, for some, a big, scary word and divorce signified failure. These days, however, divorce is sadly common and commitments are made to be broken.

Everyone seems to be looking for someone to call their own. Today's 15-to-25 year olds have most likely grown up with Mom's current "friend" stumbling out of her bedroom in the morning. Their dads may be working on a fourth or fifth marriage. At the very least, they have girlfriends they've dated for five years. This doesn't mean, however, that singles have given up on the idea of relationships that last forever. There seems to be an even greater need to find someone and jump quickly into intimacy with that someone. Sex happens on the first date and "love" is slipped on like an old, comfy robe.

We want to be loved…to be in love. The alternative of being alone, even with a group of good friends, seems scary and even dysfunctional in today's world. Everyone's looking for an anchor, someone to check-in with at the end of the day. Even if you don't live with your current significant other, you want someone to care whether or not you call.

As a culture, we seem to be moving away from the fascination of easy sex with the "freedom" of no commitments. There's no question that a major part of our population still finds sex fun and fascinating. Good sexual interaction is a significant part of a solid relationship, but it's not a great substitute for a relationship, we're finding.

Still…relationships? They're conflicted and confusing and always complex. Sustaining a good relationship is difficult, but we crave them. Talk about them. Obsess over them. Chase them.

We want connection.

Today's twenty-somethings tend to see the excitement that was once aroused by the use of the word "love" to be silly. That particular word is frequently used in the first week or two of a relationship. The power that once came with a declaration of love is now over-used and thus, a devalued currency. The experience of being loved and in-love is still something we hunger for, though, but we don't have a clue how to find, or experience, actual love.

So, what's a lonely single to do? These days the answer seems to be--find someone who seems "nice" and get engaged while still in the rosy, romantic stage of dating.

Friends and family may privately know that this is a connection formed between strangers. They may even counsel against diving head first into marriage, but they're usually ignored or dismissed. Sadly, quick engagements often lead to quick marriages between people who don't know how to love one another.

The truth that makes us uncomfortable is that real love requires a knowledge of one another. You cannot love someone whom you do not know. It is impossible. The reality of this can lead to some tremendously sad discoveries.

Even if the girl you married isn't an axe murderer, you may find that she doesn't want the same life you do or she can't understand your relationship with your family or your particular style of communication. Love is a fascinating, gripping, fulfilling experience. It has to be given energy, in the form of communication, and action. It takes knowledge of one another.

Conflict resolution strengthens and solidifies good, healthy relationships. Conflict resolution takes real and true knowledge of yourself and your loved one.

Loving, committed relationships can be achieved, just not in a week or a month. Probably not even in six months. It can, however, be done.

Our Secrets

No matter how independent you are, other people are still important to you. While you may not want to, you care what others think. Even the most self-sufficient individuals still exist in a social world and there are moments when they struggle with both wanting to be known by others and fearing being known.

This ambivalence can be strongest when you are dealing with a secret that haunts you. Held close and never talked about, this secret can grow to become a tremendously heavy burden. While some Catholics fear and avoid the confessional booth, it also offers a private moment when you tell another human being your greatest secrets. In the Catholic belief, this secret is being received on God's behalf, but there is a human behind the confessional screen, too.

Secrets, however, reflect our fears that we really are unacceptable individuals and our shame is too great for others' to understand and forgive. This fear may come out of our own confusion regarding our behavior and our own conviction that we are flawed, deviant human beings. Sometimes the sense of shame is overwhelming.

Through the years, some individuals have become prolific diarists, writing volumes of private reflections and personal memoirs. While these contain more than secrets, they reflect a human desire to record, to share, something beyond our own minds. We long to be known. Keeping a diary, or these days blogging on-line, can help us sort through our feelings. In addition, we get to maintain a level of anonymity, of safety.

Private out-pourings in a very public arena. We long to be known.

Telling secrets can be a liberating experience. Just knowing that someone else knows, seems to ease our own self-condemnation. It also scares the hell out of us.

An ongoing community art project appears on-line at PostSecret.blogspot.com, serving a significant need for many. Accepting submissions through the mail, this website posts various creative, confessional works of postcard-sized art every week. Because it meets such a human need, the website has yielded two books of postcard confessions, some of which are whimsical and some heart-breaking. All of the secrets posted are intriguing and interesting. All reflect our human desire to be heard. We need someone to know us, even when we're too frightened to be known.

Respect for the Dating Single

Sometimes, dating sucks. The alternatives, however, are far worse. For those who aren't in committed relationships, the choices are dating or social celibacy. While sometimes frustrating and, at other times, hilarious, dating offers a host of personal development opportunities, the primary one being the possibility of finding a mate.

We must acknowledge respect for the dating single. It takes a certain courage to willingly engage in being open to possibilities which can have a wide range. The really attractive guy you met at the grocery store maybe a wonderful man or he could be an intimacy-avoider, a control freak or a pedophile. There's no way to tell until you know him a little better.

So with all those scary options, why date? Why not just be okay with being single?

While there may be some who disagree on the value of romantic relationships in general, research has shown that happy relationships enhance our personal and physical health. Individuals in successful relationships suffer fewer health problems and report greater personal contentment. Of course, a troubled marriage can add greatly to unhappiness.

Currently, individuals are racking up a greater number of marriages in trying to find one that meets personal expectations. There is among one group the tendency for a "starter" marriage. These first marriages are usually entered into very quickly and without the participants having any real knowledge of one another. More than anything, the quickie marriage exists to underscore the human desire for intimacy. Let's just call it intimate and maybe it will be, we say about the jumped-into relationship.

The divorce statistics, however, give testimony to the challenges inherent in this intimate, fascinating human experience. Learning how to be in a healthy relationship can be frustrating, emotionally-demanding and, if you seek professional help, expensive. But it is fascinating and gripping and entrancing when you develop the skills to connect with someone you love. However, the process of finding this someone--one who'll stay engaged in the process with you--can be difficult.

So, dating sucks. In the movie, Must Love Dogs, two intelligent, attractive singles struggle with loneliness and dating in this era. The heroine is appalled to find herself on a blind date with her own widowed father. Dating can be embarrassing and is probably best entered into with a strong sense of humor. It is, however, also fraught with intriguing and exciting possibilities.

Single individuals who don't allow the active possibility of developing relationships have opted out. If you've been out of your last relationship long enough to gain some perspective on it, you might find yourself hesitant to jump back into the dating pool. While this may seem tempting--particularly after a string of really bad dates or really hurtful relationships--you can't win the game if you don't play.

So, let's celebrate the dating single, the men and women who are risking their hearts and their Saturday nights in the effort to find compatible mates. Just opting out is losing out. You deserve better.

Craving Intimacy

We may not like other people sometimes, but we humans have a need for contact. We stumble in and out of bad relationships, tolerate unhealthy family interactions and struggle to find true friendships. Like it or not, human beings have a need for emotional intimacy. It's hard-wired into us, the urge for contact with others.

We like to eat together and to have people to whom we complain. Shared laughter is tremendously potent. Even the sexual experience is something most people prefer to share.

We crave connection to others, preferably who understand our feelings and experiences. Clumping together, we join sororities, clubs, self-help groups and churches. We need to interact with other people, to be involved in their lives and have them involved in ours. We bring casseroles when someone suffers a loss through death, we whisper when an acquaintance has a bad break-up, we even cry and gather around the television set when a small child in a town in Texas falls down a well.

We are human and we do not do well in isolation.

This said, we also struggle with interactions! There are people at work who drive us crazy. We get furious when driving in traffic--then we'd like to be the only people around! It is also likely that there are times we seriously long to be alone. This doesn't mean we don't need others, but we, unfortunately, don't always know what to do with them.

The divorce rate is high and we struggled to achieve long term, healthy relationships. Many people become cyclic singles, moving from one failed relationship to another. Loneliness is unfortunately common.

Consistent study, however, can teach us how to be with others. While there's no guarantee of any relationship developing into a lifelong connection, that's no reason to opt out. Do you know why your friendships or relationships have ended? Have any idea why you're finding yourself in the same spot again and again? This is a really difficult thing to understand. Usually, when a relationship is disrupting, we hurl accusations at one another. It's hard to learn much from ugly, hurtful comments and it's even harder to learn when nothing is said at all.

The challenge is to listen openly to others' feedback. Even when we feel defensive, we still need to hear what's being said. Defensive is normal when someone is telling us that everything is our fault. Don't stop there, though. Ask questions to try to really understand what the other person is telling you. "You always…" and "You never…" statements are hurled like spears. The hurt can be huge, but we still need to listen. The urge to argue back and "explain" our actions is strong. It's particularly difficult when others are saying hurtful, unpleasant things, but if we don't listen hard for the kernel of truth, we won't learn. It may be just a small part of what we're being accused of, but we need to understand what we've contributed to situations.

If you don't understand what you've contributed to the failed friendship--how you "failed" in the friendship--you won't learn how to function differently next time.

Craving intimacy--connection--drives our urge to join the Hell's Angels or a become a volunteer at a hospital. We need others and they need us. We just need to see how our behavior sometimes makes it harder for others to be with us.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Life is a work in process. You may not always enjoy the journey, but opting out ends all your choices. And choices mean possibilities.