Perfect Kid

First of all, there is no such thing. No matter how much energy you put into your parenting, no matter how smart and beautiful your kid is: Perfection isn’t a possibility. If you think your kid doesn’t screw up, doesn’t make ridiculous mistakes and bad choices, you’re not paying close enough attention.

The truth is that perfection, in this life, isn’t a possibility. Striving for it will narrow your world and hound you with the fear of—and the likelihood of—catastrophic failure. In fact, if you live a “perfect” life, any failure will feel catastrophic and failure isn’t avoidable. For you or for your kid. In fact, you need to make friends with failure yourself. Screwing up doesn’t feel good, but the avoidance of reaching out and not achieving will make for a sad life. You’ll find yourself not reaching out unless you can be assured of success and when does that happen?

You may have surrounded your kid with the best, given her everything you didn’t have. Been there for her despite not having had a parent stand by you. You’ve probably put a lot into your parenting. Heartache and money. You’ve tried to give your daughter or son everything within your power. You may have lavished time and money on him. Maybe you even gave him too much, but he never went without(like you may have).

But perfection isn’t achievable. It’s not even a smart goal. You won’t get there and neither will your kids.

Your kids are no more perfect than you. Like you, they screw up sometimes. Some of their mistakes will seem understandable to you. Not that big a deal, really. The kid may be crying and wallowing in remorse and you’re shrugging. (Actually, the more remorse a kid has, the more easy you’re likely to feel.) Still, there will be mistakes that shake you.

Your child may steal from a friend or classmate when you’ve always prized honesty. He may lie to you when all you’ve asked is for him to tell you the truth. She may choose friends you know immediately are trouble. She may drink and drive as a teen. You probably say you don’t expect him to be perfect. You know he needs some learning experiences. Sadly, learning experiences don’t come to anyone without leaving a few scuffs.

Just expect your kid to screw up. Sometimes in a big way. You can minimize this by stressing the ability to make choices. You’d be surprised how many kids don’t see their own power. This is one of the hardest parts of parenting, but you really want your kid to have some experiences that come only through making mistakes. You want them to strike out on their own and make bad choices. Don’t rescue them from their consequences. They really need these to learn. And you want them to choose these bad choices earlier, rather than later. The consequences of earlier bad choices are smaller than the choices people make as they get into adulthood.

The kids you see on news magazine stories—the bright and wealthy youngsters who make really, really bad choices—they didn’t think about the outcome of their behavior. You want your kid to get a specific link between action and consequence. Don’t rescue them and don’t distract them from their consequences by yelling and screaming more than you can help. You don’t want them to miss the consequence and just remember that you got mad.

Don’t aim for a perfect kid with a perfect, unmussed life. Instead, try to be the best you. Parent as authentically as you can. Look at your own struggles and learn from them.

Your kids are watching. Hopefully, they’ll get helpful messages.

Love Without Pain

The problem with loving another person is that you automatically care what happens to them. You care what they do or what others do to them. They matter to you.

They are significant to you. Where there is significance, there is the possibility—let’s be honest—the probability of emotional distress. Pain. The old saying that you only hurt the ones you love, may be just part of the range of possibilities. But if anyone’s gonna hurt, it’ll be someone who cares.

It’s only natural to try to minimize this. Some individuals believe that keeping a grip on loved ones is a good defensive maneuver. After all, who doesn’t want some power in a relationship? Most people will say they look for a partner who’s trustworthy. One they know will never hurt them; someone who will always behave in a loving way. None of us want to get involved with people who’ll cheat, lie about money or fail to commit to the relationship.

But lots of people end up in just this situation.

Sometimes there is no huge betrayal. Sometimes you just can’t make a relationship work. There is no way to guarantee that love won’t involve loss and pain. Still, even when you’re just trying for self-preservation, power can seem like a dirty word. Kind of like control. If you’re running the risk of being hurt, shouldn’t you be able to tell your partner who to talk to and what they can do?

Sadly, no. If you love another person—be it a partner or a child or your sister—you put yourself in the position of feeling pain when they’re hurt. When they hurt themselves or when they forget to make your experience a priority. It sucks, but it’s pretty non-negotiable. When you try to control the other person’s behavior, like not allowing your partner to drive a motorcycle or bungee jump, you interfere with their choices. You also run the risk of your loved one coming to resent you.

Resentment is relationship poison.

Many people believe that relationship confers the power of being able to tell the other person what to do. Usually the argument goes that the other person gets to tell you what to do, too. But even then, this doesn’t work. People feel unfree and resist being told what to do or you don’t realize everything you needed to tell your partner.

Loving another person means putting yourself in a vulnerable position. You love, you care. The tricky part is that you cannot control another person, in order to protect yourself, without negative consequences in the relationship. If you try to tell your loved one how not to hurt you, you run the risk of introducing major complications into the relationship.

You get to decide how you function in the relationship--and functioning well can be a challenge. Handling your personal issues is a big job. It's what you need to focus on, however. The only control you really have over the other person's behavior is your power to decide whether or not you're in the relationship. If you are a loving individual, there’s a good chance that the person in the relationship with you—partner, child, sibling, whatever—will care about the relationship. They will not want to impact you and will hopefully be aware of how their choices impact you.

There is no guarantee, however. Your loved ones may choose foolish, stupid, thoughtless things. They may take actions that leave you shaking your head and leave your heart feeling bruised. You may try talking to your loved one and still nothing changes. Sadly, at this point, you can stay and watch. Or walk away.

This may sound harsh, but it is ultimately your only ability to manage the impact on you. You have to decide. If you have a sibling whose life choices are self-destructive or a parent who refuses to care for himself, you might be best served to put distance in the relationship. You don’t have to cut them out of your life, but you need to accept their choices and put some distance between you to buffer your own heart.

Distance in a relationship can feel wrong. This kind of situation can hurt like nothing else and it is a choice only you can make.

Love fills up and enriches life. It also brings vulnerability, but walling yourself off in a self-protective, relationship-avoidant mode hurts worse. Actually hurts your health. All you can do is love and accept…sometimes, that’s really hard.

You Can't Always See the Results

Every action has a result…it just may not be immediate. Some people struggle with seeing the consequences when it comes to choices they make. One definition of insanity is to repeat the same actions, thinking you’ll get a different result, but what if the result isn’t clear right away. The tendency for many is to keep making the same choices. Individuals tend to keep trying things that are comfortable for them, but it’s important to recognize the power of these actions.

Every action has a reaction; every choice has a consequence. You just might not see it right away.

We learn through consequences following choices. Some choices result in good things—showing up on time and doing a good job generally results in the boss valuing the employee. (This may not always be true, but it is more often than not.) Smile at ten strangers in a day and chances are you’ll get more people smiling back than not.

Your behavior has consequences.

Actions lead to reaction. Stealing from the company, generally results in being fired and, maybe, prosecution. Incarceration is a likelihood for those who break the law. Running out into traffic usually ends in getting hit by a car. Cheating on your income tax gives you a higher likelihood of owing penalties to the IRS.

Choice and consequences.

We get confused, though, when the consequences of an action are delayed. Eating poorly, getting no exercise and smoking will result in diminished health and a greater likelihood of an earlier, uglier death. But you don’t die from one puff of a cigarette or one very fatty meal and, besides, people who eat disgustingly healthy and run marathons can die of a heart attack, too. But statistics tell us it’s much less likely.

Some choices are incremental, small steps that, if continued, will lead you in a specific direction. Just not quickly. We can't always see what we're choosing. Immediate consequences are so much more clear. Stick your hand in the fire, get burned. Now that’s immediate.

Delayed consequences can be just as harmful as ones that follow right after an action. But you might not see the results. You might get tempted into thinking that the choice doesn’t lead to a specific outcome. There are spouses who cheat and never get caught. There are cheaters who’s marital partners decide to look the other way, for a variety of reasons…. But cheating is a leading cause of disrupted relationships. Cheating ends marriages. Maybe you don’t get caught the first time you stray, though. You might get away with it, and then you might think your actions in this area have no consequence. But even if a wronged spouse looks the other way, the relationship suffers. Emotional dry rot.

Think hard about the choices you make. This is your power. This is how you exert some control over your life. You’ll probably have things you don’t like happen in your life, things that are not a result of any choice you make. You don’t have absolute control, but that doesn’t mean it makes sense not to use the power you do have.

Choices. Certain actions lead to specific reactions. Choose what you want.

Strive for Spectacular Failure

You’re not always going to be right or act right, no matter what. That’s just a reality of life. But avoiding failure at all costs, costs way too much.

In The Last Lecture, a new book by Randy Pausch, a computer science professor diagnosed with terminal cancer, the author talks about going for your dreams. He advocates pursuing the things that really matter to you, even if you’re not sure you can reach these. Even if you’re afraid you can’t reach them. He’s even given awards to his students who have reached for—and failed to reach—high goals.

Failure isn’t lethal, but not trying anything new and risky may kill the life in your life.

There’s no denying that it feels bad to fail. The fear of this experience is pretty much universal. Most of us hate failing. You can’t live an engaged, successful life, though, by staying in bed with the covers over your head.

Some individuals grew up as “the good kid” in their family. Maybe another sibling got in trouble a lot. Maybe their parents gave them a preferential role. Regardless, there are some who are very attached to always being seen as doing the right thing. This can be a handicap because the process of making choices involves the possibility of making a choice with consequences you don’t like. This is how human beings learn. No risk means limited learning.

The important thing is to reach for what you want. Try big, new things. If you’re paying attention, you’ll find the lessons in your failures. Don’t ignore these. Take your failure and look at it as objectively as possible. Use it. With the information you can gather, you have a better chance of aiming more accurately next time. Any large endeavor will naturally involve learning. Learning brings with it the possibility—the probability—of failure. You will fail. You need to process these experiences in order to have a chance of reaching for and finding your dreams.

If you’re going out on a limb, make it a spectacular limb. Go for the gusto. Reach for your own dreams and know that these will evolve as you go. If you’re involved in pursuing what you want, you’ll get clearer about what you really want. Failure can help you with this.

Don’t be ashamed of failing. The greater loss is in not going after what you want.

Traumatized? The Unrecognized Reality

If you’ve ever witnessed a crime…ever been the victim of abuse, sexual or otherwise…ever served time in a combat zone…or been involved in a natural disaster, you may be suffering a post-traumatic reaction and not know it.

Traumatic situations leave a lingering stain on your psyche. This can lead to abusing alcohol or drugs and can make relationships difficult. You may struggle with depression or anxiety. Close associates might tell you that you have anger issues. All these feelings can be overwhelming. You might just think you’re crazy.

Maybe. Maybe not.

Traumatic events in your life might be having more of an effect than you think. The rapidly expanding field of neuroscience is discovering the process of brain development and how early childhood trauma can disregulate a child to the point of extreme dysfunction. These children are typically prone to respond to stress by shifting into a hyperarousal or disassociative state. This generally results in a higher than normal heart rate and other physical symptoms. Misbehavior is common. Traumatized kids may live in stress states. If they’re not understood, they can be labeled with a variety of inaccurate psychiatric diagnoses.

Exposure to traumatic events can have a significant impact on you, even when you’re an adult. Trauma survivors develop symptoms, in an attempt to find normal lives, that can be both distressing and harmful. Survivors tend to want to forget their horrific experiences and move on, but forgetting isn’t easy…and isn’t actually helpful.

Soldiers returning home from war have clearly been exposed to horrific images and terrifying events, but trauma can be just as dreadful when it’s closer to home. A larger percentage of individuals have suffered through traumatic episodes than previously recognized. If these events impact a large group of people (wars, bombings, etc) and gain a lot of media coverage, individuals usually know they’ve had some impact from the disturbing events. When the traumatic experience is less public---physical or sexual abuse as a child or adult, being involved in a significant traffic event, witnessing the violent or unexpected death of a loved one---some individuals swallow their distress and try their best to soldier on.

The result can be post-traumatic stress disorder that’s unrecognized and untreated. Like an internal injury, the impact on function is still present. Relationships can fall apart. Individuals may feel like they don’t know why they’re behaving the way they are.

There is help. With understanding and support, you can incorporate the event and move forward to live an unshadowed life. With knowledgeable professional intervention, individuals who’ve self-medicated through various means, or adopted other self-destructive habits, can be helped to heal.

Never think you can’t move forward. Sometimes, though, the crutch is more destructive than the original injury. Left untreated and harbored in the darkest parts of your mind and memories, traumatic events will do you harm. Talk to a knowledgeable professional. Don’t give up on yourself.

Donkey vs Elephant

This tumultuous time in the U.S. political process is showcasing democracy at it’s best. While the current climate seems divisive and even scary, conflict that involves everyone getting to have a say, is good for the health of the nation.

It’s also how relationships work best.

It is important to remember the validity of perspectives that differ from our own. The conflicts raging in the political arena demonstrate that both sides of every debate hold some truth. Whether in the larger political arena or in the context of an intimate relationship, this kind of conflict can become polarizing. This is sad and limiting to those who cannot see the other view. When individuals retreat into hurling abuse at others who hold positions different from their own, everyone loses.

Even opinions that are very different from yours hold a measure of validity. Being able to hear and acknowledge this enhances both your reasoning and the strength of your position. Whether from a political perspective or across your own breakfast table, hearing a differing view of a situation enables you to achieve a better balance. Those who are very conservative, need to hear the concerns of the very liberal. The liberal need to see that some aspects of a conservative view make sense. Both sides have important priorities.

Considering differing views helps us to keep from getting solidified in a closed mindset.

The greatness of our country was built on the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution, but we need individuals like Martin L. King to point out inequities. We need to recognize the value of diversity. The democratic process requires people to challenge the status quo and we need to listen to differing voices.

Let’s remember during this time of change, although maddening and frustrating, it is important for everyone to participate in the process.

How To Break-Up

Most people don’t want to do this at all. Breaking-up sucks…unless you’re so beaten down in the relationship that getting out sounds like a huge relief. Or unless you’ve already moved on and you’ve found a new love that won’t ever treat you this badly(you’re sure). Relationships are complicated.

So, this whole thing isn’t fun. But there are ways to break-up that make it even worse.

If you have any caring left in you for your soon-to-be ex, and most people have some, regardless of how bored they are or how badly they’ve been hurt in the relationship, things get complex. There are several scenarios in which it sounds good to stay friends. If you don’t want the relationship to end, staying friends can be your way of maintaining contact and keeping your foot in the door. It seems to provide you with a caring context for any future contact and you don’t totally lose the one you love. This kind of contact enables your lost lover to return to you and the relationship you once had, if he or she realizes what you had together.

If, on the other hand, you were the one who left the relationship, you may want to stay friends, partly out of guilt. You don’t want your former partner to hate you and you don’t hate him or her. Maybe it just seemed like the relationship had “run it’s course” or flickered out or you no longer met each other’s needs. Whatever. Maybe you’re with someone else now who seems to understand you better. Maybe there are things you get from this person that you still want. In this scenario, you probably like your former lover as a person. You still want her or him in your life, just not in a romantic context.

The friend thing, though, doesn’t really work. At least, not right away (and I’m talking years down the road). If you don’t really want the relationship to end, staying friends just puts you in a purgatory, of sorts. You can’t really move on with your life (I know, you don’t want to move on with your life. You want the relationship back) and you can’t deal functionally with the issues that ended the thing in the first place. While it feels horrible to cut off your former mate’s offer of friendship, that’s actually what you need to do. Hatred and bitterness between the two of you isn’t necessary (although you’ll probably feel this at times, if you’ve been left).

If you’ve been left, you need to grieve, to find some understanding of what happened, and move on. (Not suggesting you hurry to find someone, anyone, to replace your loss.) Live your life, even though it may hurt just to breathe during this time. Moving on may feel like you’re giving up, but sometimes it’s necessary and reasonable to give up.

If you’re the one who ended things, for Pete’s sake, let your former mate move on. Hanging on to aspects of a former relationship, either because this is still comfortable for you or because you share kids (excuse) or because you don’t want her to hate you, is selfish. Caring for your former partner means letting go, if you’re not going back into the relationship.

Civil contact to exchange the kids or talk money for the kids’ needs (tuba lessons and orthodontia!) can be done without exchanging personal information. Staying intertwined in each other’s lives is confusing to former mates and to the kids. If you’re splitting up, that means giving up on using one another as a sounding board. If you’re ending the thing, just end it.

Sex between people who’ve broken up usually means you have issues—both personal and relationship—that haven’t been resolved. Don’t keep doing this. If you want sex on the side, get it somewhere else, don’t muddy the waters further. When a relationship ends, you need to stop seeing one another, stop talking, stop texting. Just stop. Get all your stuff and move into another domicile. Don’t call to see how he is.

It’s like the old Paul Simon song Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover says, “Just walk out the back, Jack.”