Anger = Fear

Rage is ugly, but maybe the problem isn’t your anger.

Emotion is a vital part of being human. You need to feel happiness, sadness, anxiety and, even, anger—emotion is part of the weather system of our inner worlds. If you punch holes in walls, though, or scare your significant other when you’re mad, anger can seem like a bad thing and you might try never to feel these.

Managing anger is the subject of seminars and self-help books, but a more accurate concern is managing behavior associated with the emotion. It’s not that you shouldn’t feel angry; you just need to handle it differently.

The key is to understand what’s happening with you when you’re angry. Why are you mad? It’s easy to see the person who cut you off in traffic or the lover who cheated or parents who prefer your older brother as making you angry.

The answer is more internal. Anger typically masks fear. Road rage or random stranger anger are usually displaced emotions, but individuals who have issues with their anger are really scared. Bullies generally struggle to feel their own power in general and beat the heck out of smaller, weaker people to have some sense of this.

If you have anger management problems, you struggle to know how to make happen what you feel you need to happen.

In relationships, you might try to control your loved one’s behavior so you don’t feel threatened. You might tell her that if she wouldn’t flirt with other guys, you wouldn’t get mad, but it’s the potential loss of her love that triggers you. You might tell yourself that, when you yell at co-workers or threaten others, you’re just standing up for yourself.

Anger generally equals fear and individuals who frequently get into fist fights are really defending themselves from what seems like to threats. Either to physical safety or emotional “respect.” If you have anger problems, you need to learn better ways to feel safer.

You need to learn to believe in yourself and your capacity to handle life. If you feel stronger and more able to successfully move through relationship and job challenges, you won’t have the urge to whip out an uzi.

Powerlessness sucks. Every individual needs to see how their behavior matters and can yield them what they what. If you struggle with the destructive behavior associated with anger, maybe you need to learn better ways to get what you need.

Don't Be a Distraction

Loving another person can be the hardest challenge in your life, particularly when the one you love—a mate, a child, or a friend—is making difficult choices. When these choices are positive in that person's life, you cheer. When the choices are destructive, though, you can have a range of emotions that threaten to tear you apart.

It is very natural to have the urge to take this person by the shoulders and shake the heck out of him or her. You might want to yell and holler at him to realize what he’s doing. You might rehearse over and over in your head the things you want to say…the things that need to be heard.

Don’t say it.

Don’t give in to the urge to tell her off or straighten him out. Don’t be a distraction from whatever he or she needs to learn. If you're not asked your opinion, don't give it and be careful of giving it, even when it's asked for. Sometimes, people ask for opinions they don't really want and won't listen to, anyway..

When individuals are working out their issues—or not seeming to work these out—they don’t need to be distracted by your emotions and your reactions. You can tell yourself that they need to see the light or need a good dose of reality, but be very careful. Letting loose and giving vent to your opinions can make you the focus. If struggling individuals are busy focusing on the reactions of others, they are less likely to face their own issues, less likely to see the consequences of their choices.

When your loved one is facing a challenge, your feelings are not the most important thing. You may be hurting and that really, really sucks, but it's probably not what needs to be his focus at this moment. What he needs to see are the consequences of his actions—the results of what he’s choosing. You might really want to point out the him that the consequences of his continuing this behavior is that you’ll no longer maintain the relationship. You can do this. It might even be a reality, but think carefully about what you say.

Don’t threaten harsh, punitive action to get her attention or help her see what she’s doing. This just sounds like your blowing hot air and will probably be seen as controlling.

As painful as it is, you need to hold your tongue. Don’t threaten action, just take it when you need to. If you bluster and yell —if you try to make him understand just how upset you are—he just sees that you’re angry. He doesn’t see himself or his choices. Children will frequently forget their own actions when faced with an angry parent. They remember the angry parent—Boy, she was mad! they’ll say.

When a love one is doing disturbing, scary things, the hardest thing is to remain neutral and not give an opinion. But remember that, even if that opinion is requested, giving it may distract your loved one from his or her own behavior.

There are moments when action is called for and when you need to say just what you think. Be very sure of whether or not this is that the moment.

When mistakes are made, you don’t want to distract those you love from the lessons that come with them. Consequences can be harsh, but they make learning very effective. More effective than you telling the other person what to do.

Raising Self Esteem

Putting others down doesn’t really make you feel better, but the temptation can be strong. Particularly when you see someone who seems to have it all—money, relationship and perfect teeth. If they drive a great car, that’s even worse.

It’s easy to feel less-than with others. You may feel like your life is a mess. You might be able to list pages of what you need to change about yourself. There are probably moments when you find yourself sniping about someone else’s crappy manicure or the fact that he needs to get to the gym more frequently.

It’s important to recognize that you being less bad than them doesn’t make you good.

This certainly doesn’t make you feel better about yourself for more than a few minutes. The reality is that everyone has struggles in life. Even if you can’t see them—if their hair is always perfect and they wear a size 2—they have their challenges, too. These might not be visible, but you can be sure that the battles you’re fighting are universal.

Relationships are difficult. Children—let’s admit it—sometimes disappointing and jobs less than satisfying.

So, how do you repair your tottering self-esteem? First, take a look at the challenges you face and try hard to be objective. This can be very difficult, but the chances are that you are no more flawed than the rest of the mortals living on this planet. You need to be as objective about this as possible.

Seeing yourself as others do—don’t pick really dysfunctional folks—can help you gain a more objective assessment of yourself.

Once you’re more objective in your view of yourself, you can better set out to repair your self-esteem. You need to exam your own ideas about what makes a person a decent individual. (Struggling sometimes is just a part of living.) Then, you need to set about making healthier choices. No, this isn’t easy, but small ones count. Our lives are built of a thousand small moments. The big ones are more noticeable and you might not like how you’ve handled these, but the look at the small moments. Chances are that you have a better track record in these than you realize.

Everyone has areas in which they can improve. That’s just a reality, but make sure you don’t judge yourself harshly for these. Learn from your mistakes and put effort into not repeating these. That’s the measure of a learning, growing human being.

None of us are perfect. It’s not required.

Intimacy and Intensity - Not the Same

Relationships might be very intense, but that doesn’t make them healthy. You can find yourself in an interaction that involves powerful jealousy, huge fights and amazing make-up sex. Nothing may make you feel as horrible or as terrific. You can find yourself flipped between two extremes. When it’s good, nothing is better. When it’s bad, it’s really, really bad.

Some relationships can be like a drug.

You might find yourself saying and doing crazy things in this relationship. You may have a hard time imagining life without this particular insanity, but that doesn’t make it love.

The love in fables and stories can be pretty weird, if you’re trying to live a functional, productive life. It can be hell on the children, if kids are involved. All relationships involve conflict—and hopefully working through that conflict to find a healthy resolution—but not all relationships involve this kind of turmoil.

Being intense, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s good.

Relationships can seem to go from zero to eighty in a matter of minutes. You might have felt an amazing, instantaneous connection. In this kind of interaction, you may feel this person knows you better than anyone ever has. You can feel known, without being known, though. Immediate intimacy is an oxymoron. Intimacy can't be immediate, it takes development.

The person you just met might not know the name of your fourth grade teacher, where you went on your very first date or who you voted for in the last presidential election. He doesn't really know much about you, but you might still have the emotion of connection, even when there is little actual connection.

Love involves knowledge. This doesn't mean a knowledge of facts. After all, a dossier of facts doesn't convey knowledge of a person, but real intimacy requires you to know the other person and them you, before you can get to the place where you actually love one another. While it is very true that you might have friends and acquaintances, who know the data of your life and who you wouldn’t even consider dating. But real, lasting, functional love involves knowing the loved one. You can have knowledge of the other without love, but you can’t really have love without knowledge.

You can’t get around this.

If love on the grand scale involves fostering the love one to be the best he or she can be, some actual understanding of the person is required. This may not be the stuff of books and movies, but this is how the real life nuts-and-bolts of relationship works.

This doesn’t mean that functional relationships are boring. They aren’t. Real relationships involve working through conflict. That process has fire-works of it’s own. You may argue until you’re both blue in the face.

There will probably be times you won’t feel loved. Workable, fulfilling relationships, though, help you to become a better person. In order to be in the relationship, you have to look at yourself seriously and come to terms with the changes you need to make.

Intensity can feel both magical and scary. Be careful that your particular intensity is helping you be the best you.

Arguing Over Stupid Stuff

Sometimes you argue with your mate about important, life-changing things, but sometimes it seems like you fight about nothing! Lots of couples can’t say exactly what they fight about. They get into big arguments and bicker, but when asked what they argue about, they can’t say. Many will claim they mostly argue about stupid things.

Arguments that end in harsh words and hurt feelings don’t have to be about important things. Sometimes you’re just trying to get a point across, you make a comment or you’d simply like to talk about something that’s bothering you. It may not start off as a fight, but things just blow up.

Don’t feel bad about arguments that start out silly. The fight is important because your mate’s important to you, if not you probably wouldn’t even bother to fight. Communication is a big part of any relationship, though. You need to learn to talk to each other. If you’re having small things turn into big fights, maybe the problem isn’t with the topic, but with the way to talk and listen to one another. It may be a process thing, even more than a situational thing.

If you think your mate dismisses you or doesn’t listen to your concerns, you’re less likely to listen to whatever he has to say. Whenever you guys are fighting, you need to think about how you feel in that moment. Other than angry, do you feel hurt? Disregarded? Does it seem like your mate thinks you’re stupid or don’t know what you’re talking about?

If so, it’s only natural that you’d bark back at him.

You may think he’s crazy when he says he doesn’t want you to go out with your friends or when he says he thinks that guy at work as a crush on you. Whether you agree with him isn’t the most important thing, though. Listen to his concerns—listen to his feelings. Emotion is the most important part of any argument. It can be the hardest part to get to. It’s not important what he thinks you feel, but what he feels.

You need to work on conveying to him your emotion, too. When he tells his sister about your bad dating decisions and the diseases you caught (or whatever else he tells his family members that you’d rather he not tell them), how you feel about this is most important.

Don’t talk to your mate about her being a bitch to you or acting like a princess. Talk about how you feel when she snaps at you or ignores your feelings.

You don’t get to expect him to always do what you want. Don’t think you're ignored just because he doesn’t do what you want him to do. He still gets to make his own choices, but you have a responsibility to talk about how you feel when he spends a half hour on the phone with his female co-worker at night. You need to talk about your emotions.

These emotions are at the bottom of “stupid” arguments that can sink a relationship. Talk about your feelings. Listen to her feelings. And don’t forget to confirm out loud the importance of the relationship to you.

Productive conversations start with putting your feelings on the table. It may seem silly, but it’s important.

Telling Your Kids Lies (You Want To Believe)

It’s not that you’re deliberately dishonest with your child. You want everything for him. You want him to be happy, to find just the right job, the right mate, and to be happy with the life he chooses.

You may still by lying. Truthfully, parenting lies can look so harmless.

There are the lies you’d like to make come true. You can be anything you want to be. If this were true, we’d all play major league baseball and have recording contracts. Being truthful about limitations can be difficult because you want to encourage the child. Don’t good parents tell their kids to go for it? Maybe he could do great things with a little push. (Think of Michael Phelps and his mother.)

It’s true that all significant endeavors take work and big effort, but not all kids will reach the top. Nor does reaching the top mean actual happiness.

Then, there are parenting lies you don’t realize are lies. Do really well in school and go to the best college(even if you rack up big loans in the process) and you’ll automatically get a good job. Then, you’ll never worry about money. This is the thinking behind the insanity behind Advanced Placement coursework in high school. Advanced Placement(AP) classes prepare students to take tests that can gain them college hours. If the student enjoys the subject, this can be a good thing, but this huge effort that goes into AP classes can also slant them toward an achievement-at-all-cost mentality. All it takes is a “poor” grade (anything less than stellar) in one class or a failure to earn a high enough grade one one AP test, and the kid’s already a miserable failure. Or feels like one.

This kind of pursuit doesn’t necessarily bring life success. Besides, worrying about money isn’t limited to people who didn’t finish high school (or those who graduated high school, but just went to community college).

Don’t tell your kid that attaining a specific goal—even one she says is most important to her—is the most important thing. It’s how she lives her life that matters most.
It’s more important to stress the process. · Go after what you want.· Pay attention to your actions in relationships.· Learn to put your heart into those things that are worthwhile to you.
These are the things that count in life. Don’t focus on what your kid can attain. The really important thing is who he becomes—the kind of person he is. Your values determines the direction of your life. This is true for your children, as well.

Help them learn values. Tell your children they can make mistakes, that they will make mistakes. This is one of the greatest gifts a parent can give a child. Life involves mistakes. The learning process includes poor choices, as well as, good choices. As a parent, you just hope the hardest lessons don’t alter their lives too significantly.

Hopefully, if the child doesn’t reach the pinnacle, he’s still had a darn good time in the pursuit. If he doesn’t get into the trendy college of the moment or earn a gold medal in his sport or make a million…he can still be a quality person who lives a deeply satisfying life.

That’s really what matters.

Hung Up Relationships

Relationships are hard. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If theirs isn’t hard now (and it probably is—they’re just lying), it will be eventually.
If yours is tough sometimes, It’s not just you.

The hardest of all relationships is a sneaky kind that looks really easy, in the beginning. You may feel like you speak the same language. You might feel like soul mates. You probably feel more understood by him than you’ve ever felt before.

Beware. Relationships built on similar personalities are the hardest kind and, in this case, harder doesn’t necessarily build character or make you a better person. Individuals who are similar in outlook or personality might be initially drawn to one another because there seems to be less conflict. If you don’t worry about money, you might feel more comfortable with a woman who doesn’t worry about money, either.

You might, on the other hand, want a mate who is never in debt, because debt is to you a sign of a weak character. You may be drawn to a man who doesn’t take crazy risks. He not only comes home every night, he comes home at the same time, likes eating dinner at the same time and has the same routine every night before he goes to bed.

Same can seem safe and secure. If you like routine, you might choose someone who doesn't flirt with danger, someone who sees the world in the same way you do. Or you might want same in choosing someone who is as eager to live on the edge as you. Same can seem to be a kind of validation, but if a relationship doesn't challenge you to see different perspectives, it's not really good for you. At least, not when we're talking personalities.

Choosing a mate who shares your same personality tendencies might short-change you. Differences, while irritating sometimes, also bring you into having to balance yourself. If you live on the edge, you might need someone hanging onto your hand and dragging you back. If you hide in your closet, you need someone adventurous and open to new things.

All this makes for conflict…which feels bad. But conflict in relationships—when worked through and resolved—is what makes us grow. Individuals who marry mates who share the same perspective are choosing to hide in the security of same. Doing thismight seem reasonable and comfortable, but it's an attempt to avoid relationship conflict. While fighting with your mate isn’t fun, its functional. If you do it right, conflict can help you be a better person.

Relationships are like playing on the teeter totter. Both of you sitting on one side makes this a lot less fun. You need someone at the other end, balancing you out, pulling against you, making your life hell. Making you a better person.