We're All Heroes

When life is complicated and challenging, it’s natural to want someone to rely on. Someone to believe in. Someone who can make things better.

You want someone to save us from the bad, scary things, but you need to be careful. Focusing on heroes can sometimes keep us on-lookers in life, rather than participants.

During these challenging economic times, many individuals look to leaders for hope. This is happening now. Whether we stand cheering when a pilot lands a crippled airplane—keeping all safe—or a young father raises a child alone after his wife dies or a new president is sworn into office, people desperately want to believe in a knight in shining armor.

Someone to make it better.

In truth, every individual is a hero when he deals with his own fears. This is the hardest thing any person can do in life. To take decisive action and learn from his own choices, makes a person heroic. Being a big media hero isn’t a reality for most people. Facing daily life dilemmas is many times the harder thing.

We’re all capable of true heroism.

It is common to watch and cheer as others with big names are facing and conquering significant challenges. Celebrities with disabled children or crippling diseases are lauded by the media, but many people deal with these kinds of challenges in obscurity every day, and with usually a lot less money. Life has it’s difficult moments and, while money or celebrity status doesn’t make these go away, being wealthy or well-known makes an individual's strength more recognized.

It's important that you realize your own heroic moments.

The desire to celebrate and make heroes of others can sometimes spring from individuals not dealing with their own challenges. Watching famous people and big media moments is just easier than facing your own problems. You may not know what to do with the challenges facing you. You may feel overwhelmed. Relationships are complicated and parenting is sometimes heart-breaking. The hard choices are the ones you face. Your life; your own challenges. Your dilemmas are the important ones. Although you may not be on television and may not receive awards for it, you can be a truly courageous hero by dealing with the challenges in your life.

Having public heroes can give hope in hard times, but never forget you're own capacity. You can choose to handle the difficult times in your life. You have that strength.

You’re the real hero.

Ready to Forgive?

Forgiving an offense or a breach of relationship can be healing to the victim, but rushing into forgiveness doesn’t make the hurt go away. It just goes underground and you still struggle to move forward with your life.

Hatred and rage damage the person harboring those feelings. Going forward from that experience is important, but make sure you’re ready to stop feeling resentment.

It is natural and reasonable to feel ill will when one has suffered a grievance. Being pissed makes sense in these situations. Feeling the emotions that come with an offense actually can help you incorporate your experience into a functional future life. You need to feel this pain in order to eventually feel happiness.

Denial stops the healing.

In order to truly move forward, you need to acknowledge and accept the emotions you have. If you’ve suffered at the hands of another person, you’re naturally going to feel furious. Don’t push this away or think you’re a bad person. Your reaction makes sense, given the circumstances.

Be angry. Be really, really angry.

The emotion of anger is, in itself, not bad or dangerous. Actions can be bad, but feelings are just feelings. Being upset or disappointed or hurt may not be pleasant, but you still need to accept these emotions.

Sometimes, you might feel down deep that you deserve this. That you’ve somehow brought this on yourself, that you’re not a good person yourself. These emotions are natural, but the beliefs about yourself are probably crap. Unless suffering is a direct consequence of your own actions, it’s not deserved.

After anger, you might feel hurt and sadness. Sometimes, you might be aware of all three. At some point, you’ll probably start thinking about the offender. In order to do something bad to another person, he has to feel pretty bad about himself. Whether this involves cheating, lying or murder, human beings don’t hurt others unless they’ve got issues themselves.

Even when you’re suffering from the offense done to you, you can recognize the misery in another person. Even if they’re suffering as a result of their own choices, it’s still sad.

Allow yourself your own feelings. Then, maybe, you’ll be ready to forgive.

Have Faith in Them

When your kids, your mate or your relatives are making really bad choices, the most difficult thing to do is believe they can straighten themselves out. It is typical to want to tell them a few realities. You might have a powerful urge to straighten them out yourself.

Resist.

Messing up and making bad choices brings consequences. These naturally result from the actions of the individual. If you run out into a busy street, you’ll probably get run over. If you jump off a big cliff without a parachute, you’ll crash at the bottom. When you love someone, you don’t want that crash to happen and it’s natural to stop your loved one from making what seems to you like bad choices.

Don’t block the consequences. You may want to do the homework when the kid’s put it off and is tired. You might have the urge to tell the sleepy child to go on to bed and build the science project for him.

Don’t.

Small choices bring consequences—both good and bad, depending on the choice. When loved ones do well, you stand up and cheer. The good result—winning the game, getting the raise—these are a direct consequence of all his smart actions. Consequences work the same way when unhealthy choices are made and it’s impossible to tell the difference if someone else steps in to take away the owie. Individuals learn through consequences. They need them. This is one aspect of life that is reasonable and sane. Generally—not always, of course—good things come from good choices.

You don’t learn to recognize a good choice from a bad one, though, if others come in and rob you of the results of your actions.

Don’t block consequences, even when your loved one struggles. It sucks to struggle to attain, but human beings don’t know how to deal with struggle just by being told. They need to deal with rotten teachers and bad bosses, not because they need to hurt, but because they need to learn how to cope. They need to reassess and plow forward toward their goals. They need to realize that studying the night before a test probably won’t yield the greatest scores. They need to learn what works and what doesn't.

If you love the individual, you need to refuse to rescue them. Resist the urge to block the consequence.

Whether this means lying to his boss when your spouse is sick because he drank too much or giving your kids money when they can earn it themselves. Doing too much for a person implies that you don’t believe she can do it herself.

Have faith. Believe in them and don’t block the consequences.

It’s the greatest gift.

Anger = Fear

Rage is ugly, but maybe the problem isn’t your anger.

Emotion is a vital part of being human. You need to feel happiness, sadness, anxiety and, even, anger—emotion is part of the weather system of our inner worlds. If you punch holes in walls, though, or scare your significant other when you’re mad, anger can seem like a bad thing and you might try never to feel these.

Managing anger is the subject of seminars and self-help books, but a more accurate concern is managing behavior associated with the emotion. It’s not that you shouldn’t feel angry; you just need to handle it differently.

The key is to understand what’s happening with you when you’re angry. Why are you mad? It’s easy to see the person who cut you off in traffic or the lover who cheated or parents who prefer your older brother as making you angry.

The answer is more internal. Anger typically masks fear. Road rage or random stranger anger are usually displaced emotions, but individuals who have issues with their anger are really scared. Bullies generally struggle to feel their own power in general and beat the heck out of smaller, weaker people to have some sense of this.

If you have anger management problems, you struggle to know how to make happen what you feel you need to happen.

In relationships, you might try to control your loved one’s behavior so you don’t feel threatened. You might tell her that if she wouldn’t flirt with other guys, you wouldn’t get mad, but it’s the potential loss of her love that triggers you. You might tell yourself that, when you yell at co-workers or threaten others, you’re just standing up for yourself.

Anger generally equals fear and individuals who frequently get into fist fights are really defending themselves from what seems like to threats. Either to physical safety or emotional “respect.” If you have anger problems, you need to learn better ways to feel safer.

You need to learn to believe in yourself and your capacity to handle life. If you feel stronger and more able to successfully move through relationship and job challenges, you won’t have the urge to whip out an uzi.

Powerlessness sucks. Every individual needs to see how their behavior matters and can yield them what they what. If you struggle with the destructive behavior associated with anger, maybe you need to learn better ways to get what you need.

Don't Be a Distraction

Loving another person can be the hardest challenge in your life, particularly when the one you love—a mate, a child, or a friend—is making difficult choices. When these choices are positive in that person's life, you cheer. When the choices are destructive, though, you can have a range of emotions that threaten to tear you apart.

It is very natural to have the urge to take this person by the shoulders and shake the heck out of him or her. You might want to yell and holler at him to realize what he’s doing. You might rehearse over and over in your head the things you want to say…the things that need to be heard.

Don’t say it.

Don’t give in to the urge to tell her off or straighten him out. Don’t be a distraction from whatever he or she needs to learn. If you're not asked your opinion, don't give it and be careful of giving it, even when it's asked for. Sometimes, people ask for opinions they don't really want and won't listen to, anyway..

When individuals are working out their issues—or not seeming to work these out—they don’t need to be distracted by your emotions and your reactions. You can tell yourself that they need to see the light or need a good dose of reality, but be very careful. Letting loose and giving vent to your opinions can make you the focus. If struggling individuals are busy focusing on the reactions of others, they are less likely to face their own issues, less likely to see the consequences of their choices.

When your loved one is facing a challenge, your feelings are not the most important thing. You may be hurting and that really, really sucks, but it's probably not what needs to be his focus at this moment. What he needs to see are the consequences of his actions—the results of what he’s choosing. You might really want to point out the him that the consequences of his continuing this behavior is that you’ll no longer maintain the relationship. You can do this. It might even be a reality, but think carefully about what you say.

Don’t threaten harsh, punitive action to get her attention or help her see what she’s doing. This just sounds like your blowing hot air and will probably be seen as controlling.

As painful as it is, you need to hold your tongue. Don’t threaten action, just take it when you need to. If you bluster and yell —if you try to make him understand just how upset you are—he just sees that you’re angry. He doesn’t see himself or his choices. Children will frequently forget their own actions when faced with an angry parent. They remember the angry parent—Boy, she was mad! they’ll say.

When a love one is doing disturbing, scary things, the hardest thing is to remain neutral and not give an opinion. But remember that, even if that opinion is requested, giving it may distract your loved one from his or her own behavior.

There are moments when action is called for and when you need to say just what you think. Be very sure of whether or not this is that the moment.

When mistakes are made, you don’t want to distract those you love from the lessons that come with them. Consequences can be harsh, but they make learning very effective. More effective than you telling the other person what to do.

Raising Self Esteem

Putting others down doesn’t really make you feel better, but the temptation can be strong. Particularly when you see someone who seems to have it all—money, relationship and perfect teeth. If they drive a great car, that’s even worse.

It’s easy to feel less-than with others. You may feel like your life is a mess. You might be able to list pages of what you need to change about yourself. There are probably moments when you find yourself sniping about someone else’s crappy manicure or the fact that he needs to get to the gym more frequently.

It’s important to recognize that you being less bad than them doesn’t make you good.

This certainly doesn’t make you feel better about yourself for more than a few minutes. The reality is that everyone has struggles in life. Even if you can’t see them—if their hair is always perfect and they wear a size 2—they have their challenges, too. These might not be visible, but you can be sure that the battles you’re fighting are universal.

Relationships are difficult. Children—let’s admit it—sometimes disappointing and jobs less than satisfying.

So, how do you repair your tottering self-esteem? First, take a look at the challenges you face and try hard to be objective. This can be very difficult, but the chances are that you are no more flawed than the rest of the mortals living on this planet. You need to be as objective about this as possible.

Seeing yourself as others do—don’t pick really dysfunctional folks—can help you gain a more objective assessment of yourself.

Once you’re more objective in your view of yourself, you can better set out to repair your self-esteem. You need to exam your own ideas about what makes a person a decent individual. (Struggling sometimes is just a part of living.) Then, you need to set about making healthier choices. No, this isn’t easy, but small ones count. Our lives are built of a thousand small moments. The big ones are more noticeable and you might not like how you’ve handled these, but the look at the small moments. Chances are that you have a better track record in these than you realize.

Everyone has areas in which they can improve. That’s just a reality, but make sure you don’t judge yourself harshly for these. Learn from your mistakes and put effort into not repeating these. That’s the measure of a learning, growing human being.

None of us are perfect. It’s not required.

Intimacy and Intensity - Not the Same

Relationships might be very intense, but that doesn’t make them healthy. You can find yourself in an interaction that involves powerful jealousy, huge fights and amazing make-up sex. Nothing may make you feel as horrible or as terrific. You can find yourself flipped between two extremes. When it’s good, nothing is better. When it’s bad, it’s really, really bad.

Some relationships can be like a drug.

You might find yourself saying and doing crazy things in this relationship. You may have a hard time imagining life without this particular insanity, but that doesn’t make it love.

The love in fables and stories can be pretty weird, if you’re trying to live a functional, productive life. It can be hell on the children, if kids are involved. All relationships involve conflict—and hopefully working through that conflict to find a healthy resolution—but not all relationships involve this kind of turmoil.

Being intense, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s good.

Relationships can seem to go from zero to eighty in a matter of minutes. You might have felt an amazing, instantaneous connection. In this kind of interaction, you may feel this person knows you better than anyone ever has. You can feel known, without being known, though. Immediate intimacy is an oxymoron. Intimacy can't be immediate, it takes development.

The person you just met might not know the name of your fourth grade teacher, where you went on your very first date or who you voted for in the last presidential election. He doesn't really know much about you, but you might still have the emotion of connection, even when there is little actual connection.

Love involves knowledge. This doesn't mean a knowledge of facts. After all, a dossier of facts doesn't convey knowledge of a person, but real intimacy requires you to know the other person and them you, before you can get to the place where you actually love one another. While it is very true that you might have friends and acquaintances, who know the data of your life and who you wouldn’t even consider dating. But real, lasting, functional love involves knowing the loved one. You can have knowledge of the other without love, but you can’t really have love without knowledge.

You can’t get around this.

If love on the grand scale involves fostering the love one to be the best he or she can be, some actual understanding of the person is required. This may not be the stuff of books and movies, but this is how the real life nuts-and-bolts of relationship works.

This doesn’t mean that functional relationships are boring. They aren’t. Real relationships involve working through conflict. That process has fire-works of it’s own. You may argue until you’re both blue in the face.

There will probably be times you won’t feel loved. Workable, fulfilling relationships, though, help you to become a better person. In order to be in the relationship, you have to look at yourself seriously and come to terms with the changes you need to make.

Intensity can feel both magical and scary. Be careful that your particular intensity is helping you be the best you.