RELATIONSHIP POISON

If you want to kill your relationship, never resolve conflicts. When you argue, make sure you repeat your points over and over and never listen to his. When he's talking, be thinking about what you have to say next. Get mad when he yells, and make sure you don't hear what he's trying to say.

True, no one likes being yelled at. It's rude and scary.

But people yell when they don't feel heard or when they're very upset about something. Yelling isn't the best way to get someone to listen, but it is a natural tendency. Listen to him. Hear his feelings, not just what he's saying. What he's feeling. People yell when they feel threatened or frustrated.

Then talk about what you feel. If he doesn't listen to you, tell him you love him and you need him to hear your concerns. If you have to, say the same words again calmly--like a broken record. Talk about your feelings rather than making accusations against him or telling him what you think he feels. Neither of these work.

It's natural to just want to stop fighting, to hope that not talking about the problem will give it a chance to go away. Problems don't go away, though. They sit and fester, growing uglier in the dark.

You won't get over arguments. It may seem like this is a functional way to deal with issues, but the fact that the same fights pop up over and over is an indication that the original problem didn't just go away because you stopped fighting about it.

There are two parts to giving the relationship a chance to resolve disagreements--talk and listen. Both are really, really important. You need to hear not just what he's saying, but what he feels about the situation. Let's be honest: Most individuals don't say what they feel. They make accusations and blame one another for various things.

The other really important part is to Ask yourself what you feel. Hurt, mad, disappointed, unloved, disregarded, scared--whatever. Then tell him your feelings. Both listening and talking are vital to working through a relationship problem. You can't find effective resolution if you don't start with what matters. You're upset. Figure out why.

Figure out how he feels. Ask him. Then listen to what he says. You may have to sort through his words. He might say "I feel that you are...." which isn't really a feeling. It's more of an accusation. What does he feel?

If you can fill in the blanks, this is an effective communication: "When you do this ____, I feel ____."

Don't let problems sit unresolved. They eat at the foundation of the relationship and soon enough there's nothing left of your love for one another.

Unsettled issues poison the relationship. Deal with them or deal with the consequences of not dealing with them.

NOT TOO COMFORTABLE

The womb was comfortable for your child, but he had to leave it eventually. He had to be born, to separate himself from you and to be his own person. He had to grow up.

As a parent, you've put big effort into taking care of him. You spent a fortune on his athletic shoes and his regular check-ups. You stayed up nights working to make money or bathing his fevered brow. You've worried and cautioned and worried some more.

You might also have made his life too comfortable. If your child never wants for anything, why stress about moving forward?

When adolescent children start to demand benefits as their right, trouble is starting. Some parents can afford to buy kids nice cars and send them to the "best" college they can get into, but many parents can't. Still, parents and children frequently see these--and more--as obligatory. Kids feel they have a right to a lifestyle their parents have worked hard to achieve.

Your kids need to not be given everything they want. If all needs are met like when they were infants, adolescents don't learn to cope functionally with the gap--the distance between what they want and what they have. The gap gives individuals motivation. They learn to achieve because it gets them what they want. Whether this is grades in school or money to go to the movies, kids need to see the connection between working toward and getting.

As parents have managed to improve lifestyles, they've provided tons for their children. After all, you love to give to the ones you love. But this may not be good for them.

The image of the entitled youth involves MP3 players, laptops, name label everything and money in their pockets. If the kid is working for some of this, he gains a sense of his own power. He's earned stuff, not just had it given to him.

Parental love sometimes means withholding--even if you can afford to get things for your kid and give him money, make sure it's best for him before you do this. Be very careful that you're not buying into the belief that you want him to fit in with his friends, so you buy him every expensive thing he wants. Don't deceive yourself that he needs an Iphone to compete in school or to call you if he's in trouble. Don't open your wallet everytime he holds out his hand.

It doesn't encourage your child to learn how to succeed if he never has to strain, never has to do without.

Help him learn to handle his money. Give him an allowance and don't make this lavish. Then he gets to spend as he chooses. If you refrain from giving him additional money whenever he asks, he'll learn to budget to buy the fun things he wants. Encourage him to get a part-time job. Learning to work--for someone other than you or a god parent--will help him learn how to work for a boss who doesn't necessarily love him. He'll have to negotiate through working with others and managing his schedule. He'll have to decide what's most important to him and how to spend his time as well as his money.

Parents will sometimes want their kids to pursue school activities, saying that's their biggest job. While it is true that education is very important, don't let yourself believe he's working toward a scholarship or getting into a really good college and this then exempts him from taking care of other life requirements.

Being a successful adult means making choices. Sports may be fun, but ask yourself if this needs to be your child's biggest priority. How likely is it that your child will get that athetic scholarship? Is he willing to sacrifice free time or extra money to get it? If so, he's working toward a goal and that's rewarding in itself.

Make sure you're not working harder than your child to get the things that will make him comfortable. Let him succeed. The only way to do this is help him earn his own success. Make him too comfortable and he won't see the value of striving.

ALWAYS ASK WHY

Understanding life is only less difficult than understanding yourself and the people who are important to you. Always ask why--Why you've taken a specific action or why your friend said a certain thing. Why is an important question to develop understanding.

Make sure, though, that you're really questioning, not accusing. This is important when you're trying to understand others and when you're looking at yourself.

When you have relationship issues or problems with a colleague at work, take a good look at your actions and make a determined effort to understand yourself first. Knowing why you act a certain way can be difficult, but this is important if you have any chance of changing your part in difficult situations. You need to see your part, if only to see how you can avoid getting into these situations, in the first place.

Examining your own behavior is imporant. Take a good look at the reasons behind your choices and do this without self-recrimination. You'll block your understanding if you're busy blaming yourself or telling yourself harsh, judgmental things. Look at your struggles, as well as, your strengths. Personal growth can only be experienced when you see the parts you need to grow.

It's also vital to understand the people around you. This can be even more difficult, particularly if you believe everyone reacts and feels as you do. Let me break it to you--they don't. We have a jumbled up world of all different kinds of people with different backgrounds, different needs and different desires. You need to see situations from the other person's point-of-view. This will help you make better assessments of interactions and relationships.

Always ask why. And ask it without judgment or blame. Ask why from a desire to understand. You may not always get a favorable response, but more often than not, asking for understanding will benefit your relationships and your life in general.

The hardest part about asking why is really listening to the answer. When you get a response, you may have the urge to correct the other person's statement, assumptions or accusations about you. You'll probably shoot back a reaction immediately, because when individuals are upset, they react quickly, interrupting or challenging the other person's statement. All this is understandable, but it won't get you where you want to go.

Listen with your mouth closed. Really, really listen.

You'll hear things with which you don't agree. You'll want to refute stuff as if you were in a courtroom, defending yourself. Don't. Focus on listening to what the other person says as her point of view. This isn't absolute reality. It's a perspective. We all have viewpoints. You want to hear hers. You want to listen to how she sees things.

Resist the urge to straighten her out. It won't help and it won't make you feel better over the long run.

Ask why. Ask yourself why you feel as you do. Ask yourself why you do the things you do. Always seek to understand. Seeking to understand yourself will give you tremendous gifts. If you understand, you can be more in charge of your own behavior and your life.

YOU CAN'T MAKE IT WORK

It takes two people to make a relationship work, but only one to walk away.

This might not seem fair when your heart and your life are on the line, but she doesn't have to stay. Sometimes people leave, even when you're trying your hardest. You may turn yourself inside out to keep her happy, trying to look at your own issues and how you're adding to the problems. Even if you soul-search and jump through hoops, you still can't make it work by yourself.

Don't let yourself believe that she should stay, that she somehow owes it to you. This isn't about should. It's about the nature of relationships. Both powerful and fragile, relationships can be the hardest thing you'll do in your life...and you can't do it alone. Stalking and imaginary relationships take place in one person's head, but not complete, functional relationships. Your partner needs to be as in this thing as you are.

She gets to leave you, if she wants. Letting go can be very difficult, but it might be the best thing you can do for yourself.

Step back some and ask yourself what happened here. Don't let yourself believe that this was perfect and beautiful until some other man came along and stole your life. It doesn't work this way. If a relationship is solid, a third party cannot sneak into it. This is a myth individuals sometimes use to comfort themselves (which is understandable if they've been hurt), but it's not a reality. You need to look at what this really was, how it really worked.

If you have clear, functional, open communication, if both parties are invested in making this work and if you are both getting what you need out of the relationship, people don't cheat. And they don't usually leave. Of course, those are a lot of "Ifs". You may want to argue with this, citing that some people are lousy individuals and some just cheat for no reason. This is a simple, incomplete view, though, and it doesn't help you deal with your loss, even if you feel better at first.

There must be two people in every relationship, but you can only direct your own function. You don't get to tell her what she needs to do or how she should act with you. You are your own power. You need to look--as objectively as possible--about what you're contributing to the problems. This learning is gold and it's what you gain from the relationship struggles you end up resolving and those you don't. Your power lies in what you do and don't do. You have a responsibility only for your own actions--believe me, this is hard enough. You don't get to direct your partner's choices nor are you responsible for what she does. This is her thing, her power.

Look at yourself. Examine carefully your own actions--did you talk to her about what was bothering you? Talk, not scream? Did you shut yourself and your emotions off? Did you have a hard time listening to her. Did you place her needs and desires at a high priority? Look at your behavior and learn how you can be a better partner. Listen to the accusations she threw at you, the complaints you sometimes blew off, and see what you need to change.

Relationships add to your life. They give comfort when life is difficult and challenge individuals to deal with issues that need to be dealt with. Don't think, though, that you have the power to make one work all by yourself.

PARENTING: A JOB WITH TERM LIMITS

There are two parts of parenting--the role of nurturing and educating your young children and the love you have for them. One role will last as long as you draw breath, but the other has a shelf life. When your child is little, your job is to shelter and protect, as well as, love her. You keep her from running into the street and you protect her against those who would harm her. You talk about Stranger Danger and you encourage her to ask you questions about life difficulties.

When she is an adult, however, you have to back up. As much as you love her and as much as you've learned some hard lessons yourself and want to protect her from the mistakes she make be making, you need to resist the urge to give her unrequested advice. Even when advice is requested, be very, very careful how you answer. It isn't appropriate or functional for parents to direct an adult child.

As a person who is deeply invested in her well-being, you might feel you know best what she should do...and you might. But she still needs to figure this life out herself. She needs to make mistakes, even though you don't want this for her. Mistakes teach us the important lessons of life.

When she was a young person living in your home, you probably made your opinions known. Mistakes you made that you now regret were there as examples for her.

Now she gets to make her own choices, even when these are stupid and sad.

Work hard to remember, too, that her path probably isn't the same as yours. If you pursued one career, but later wished you'd done otherwise, don't assume she should now make the career decisions you wish you'd made. She isn't you. She's unique and different. What works for her is probably very different than what you'd choose. Encourage her to get an education and pursue her goals, but don't assume your goals are hers.

It's easy to think your reactions and your feelings are those that others should share. This is automatic for some. Individuals can think their feelings in a given situation are what everyone feels, but this frequently isn't so. Respect your own individuality and hers. Just because you share similar hair color and laugh the same way doesn't mean you want the same things in life. And if you do want different things, it doesn't mean she's rejecting your choices as bad or that she doesn't love you.

Parental love extends over a lifetime. She'll always need that, even when she doesn't say it.

She doesn't need your opinions, though, when she's heading into rough waters. You've lived longer and had many challenges: You know stuff. That doesn't mean you need to tell her when she's headed into rough waters. Be very aware that this part of parenting stops when she's an adult. You need to stop giving your opinion, stop telling her what she should do and stop making snide remarks about things you saw coming(and warned her of, but she didn't listen).

Just love her and believe in her even when she's screwing up. This will benefit her much, much more than you telling her what she ought to do.

COPING SKILLS--MIXED BLESSINGS?

When you were a kid, you developed coping skills. You were small and poorly-equipped for dealing with many of life's challenges and you did the best you could. Whether you hid and avoided risky, conflicted situations or met them swinging and got into a bunch of fights, you did your best to survive.

Even if you had negative consequences for some of these--like getting in trouble at school or being massively embarrassed by whatever was going on around you--your coping skills helped you. The more challenging the situations you faced, the more devious and powerful the coping skills.

The problem is, however, that as beneficial as these coping behaviors might have been at one time, they're probably not helping you now. When a kid grows up in an argumentative, alcoholic home where arguments often led to physical fights, as an adult he doesn't want to have conflict in his relationships, at all. No conflict. Not even the milder, potentially functional argument over differences with a mate. Every disagreement feels bad and, with this kind of background, it only makes sense to avoid these.

Given that scenario, you don't know how to disagree without things turning ugly, so you'll avoid conflict totally, if you can. Which, of course, you can't.

The coping skills that once benefited you may be hindering you now.

Envision that you're in rough waters, pitching to and fro. You'd grab a life preserver--an inner tube--whatever you could. But while this was helpful in the situation, if you grow up and leave the water, carrying the inner tube with you becomes a nuisance and a hindrance, making it hard to fit into tight spaces and negotiate through life.

You've probably out-grown some of your coping skills and found that these are as much a problem for you now as they were a help before.

Avoiding conflicts, refusing to talk about or acknowledge your feelings, eating to feel better after a fight, hoping disagreements will blow over--none of these really work. Whether your disagreement is with a mate or a best friend, you need to learn to resolve these, to listen to the other person's point-of-view and to talk about your own. This is the only way to work through the issues that spring up between individuals. Knowing your own triggers and those of the other person helps you to find a solution to your conflict.

If you coped with life through chemical means--using pharmaceuticals or pot to mellow you out--you aren't dealing with the emotions and issues that are littering your path. Some coping skills can be beneficial; others aren't.

Everyone needs methods to cope with stressful moments, but these need to be as functional as possible. Even "healthy" behaviors can be unhealthy when taken to extremes. Your coping strategies need to add to your life, not stress you more. Work toward a balance in your life...even if that means losing the inner tube that once held you up. Don't be harsh with yourself for carrying a coping skill around, just don't be chained to it when this behavior isn't helping you, anymore.

IT WON'T BLOW OVER

I hate to break it to you, but disagreements don't just go away. You might stop arguing about something, but that doesn't mean the conflict evaporates. Couples sometimes want to believe whatever they're fighting about will just drift away, but this doesn't really happen. You have a point; he has a point. You both have strong feelings about the situation. Don't succumb to the hope that you'll both forget this.

You fight, yell, make snarky comments and accusations. You're mad, hurt, betrayed, upset--whatever. Maybe all that, but you've been here before and you got over it, right?

No. Not really. These kind of emotions and conflicts don't just blow over. You need to know that ignoring conflicts doesn't mean they don't exist. If you stop arguing, kiss-and-make up and go on, the issue has just gone underground. It doesn't mean things are resolved just because one or both of you got tired of going 'round and 'round.

The things you argue about may seem stupid and pointless, but the disagreement won't just disappear, unless you resolve it. It's tempting to think that you'll both get over this like it's a cold, or something, but relationships don't work this way. Even if you stop fighting, stop talking about it or apologize, issues are still there. Just because you're not talking about the elephant in the room, doesn't mean it isn't there. It's hiding in the back of the metaphorical closet, weakening your love for one another.

You need resolution. Your relationship needs this.

You can decide you're tired of talking about it. You might have sex or a sandwich and you think you've moved on. Nope. It doesn't work this way. Even if the thing you were fighting about isn't large and earth-shattering, the feelings between you are important. You can agree-to-disagree or capitulate, but that doesn't mean the rift in the relationship is resolved.

Listen to each other. Don't fall into the pattern of each being so concerned about getting your point across that you don't actually hear what's upsetting to your mate. And don't let yourself dismiss your partner's feelings as silly or ridiculous. They may not make sense to you, but that doesn't make them any less real or any less valid. Your partner needs you to hear what he's saying and to work to understand why he's saying what he's saying.

If resolved, conflicts between couples can actually be strengthening. The process isn't comfortable, but the end result can be that you find a greater understanding of each other and of yourself. You might just hope that the problems will go away, but it's better for the relationship if you talk it out. You both need to listen really, really hard and come to an understanding.

Emotions don't have a reason that's always "reasonable," but that doesn't mean they're stupid or wrong. If you or your mate feel threatened in the relationship, this is significant. If one or the other of you struggles with jealousy, you need to understand why. Relationships are the best place to learn about and improve yourself, but this only happens if you deal with what's going on.