BETTER NOT TO KNOW

There's a time in the parenting experience when it's better not to know exactly what they're doing. As your children get older, you have less input into their choices. You don't get to choose who they're dating, what career they're pursuing or how they parent their own children.

You're best not knowing the details of their choices.

You can be an invested, caring parent, but you don't get to guide their actions the way you did when they were younger. They were kids then, and they really needed your guidance. Even if they seem to need it more now, you would be wise to be careful what you try to offer. This can be a dicey place for a parent. Sometimes, you need to love them and yet find a nice, neutral place to be.

You need to not know some things. It's easier on you because when you wade into their situations--bombarded by the results of choices you knew were disastrous--you inevitably want to point out certain things. You may even find yourself uttering the dreaded "I told you so."

This doesn't help your child. It throws up barriers between you because no one wants to hear that, even if you did tell them and you were very right. (Remember when you goofed up? Did you want your parents acting all smug?) But smugness and throwing "I told you so" around are very tempting.

Maintaining some distance helps keep you from getting so torqued off that you have to make unproductive comments.

You raised your kids and you've picked up a few important realizations about them. You also know stuff because you've lived longer and accrued a few bumps and bruises along the way that you'd like to spare your children from having. The sad news is that they don't really want to hear it. Even if he's down and, in a weak moment, he asks you what you really think of the spouse with whom he's fighting. Don't answer this question! At least, not now. What you think isn't going to help your kid make the tough choices ahead. And if he gets back together with her and your opinion slips out of him (and it always does, although he never means it to), you're not going to be in favor with his wife/girlfriend. She's going to really dislike you then.

Being a successful parent to an adult child requires you to step back. This means working on developing your own joy in life--developing your relationships, taking on job challenges that interest you, pursuing the hobbies you never had time for when you were actively raising a family. You deserve this time. Do things for yourself.

By all means, show your love to your child, but this doesn't mean cleaning up after him or telling him what to do. Be interested without offering commentary. Be supportive without offering guidance. This is a challenging position and requires you to find a balance that includes believing in your kid and hoping he cares for himself, without thrusting yourself into his business.

You can give him now one of the greatests gifts--you can believe in him. While this sounds simple and you think you've been doing it all along, believing in him when he's struggling is the hardest is an act of faith. It's a golden gift and it requires you to not be in the swamp with him.

You don't need the stimulation that comes with knowing exactly what he's doing (and not doing) and he doesn't need you breathing down his neck as he tries to negotiate his way through life.

Sometimes, it's better for you both if you don't seek out the details.

MISERABLY MARRIED

Jumping out of a marriage when the going gets rough isn't always the best choice--let's be honest, there are challenging moments in all relationships--but there are a lot a foolish reasons to stay if the marriage is consistently unhappy.

Bad Reason For Staying #1:

The reason most people give for not divorcing(when they want to divorce) is that they're keeping it together for the kids. What's best for your children is a very important consideration, but it's not as simple as it might seem. Your kids may get upset at the thought of you divorcing (and may have even begged you to promise that the two of you will never split up). That doesn't mean the marriage is not toxic for them. Consider this--the marriage and all it contains are the foundation for the family. If you two can't resolve your issues, it isn't good for anyone. If this marriage isn't good for you, it can't really be good for them. We're all connected. Think how you're effected by their troubles.

Financial considerations are usually involved when you think about divorce. Your style of living will probably change if you don't stay married, but unless divorce means no food in the kitchen, your children are still better off with you doing what you need to do. Don't stay in an unhappy marriage so your kids can "have the good things." Nice houses, nice clothes, nice cars--none of these make for a happy life. Kids who were raised with these falter all the time. Don't get confused about what your children need.

Staying in the marriage might not be the best choice, but learn what you need to learn when you leave. Divorce doesn't automatically make you happy, either.

Bad Reason for Staying #2

Believe it or not, there are still people who've grown up without divorce in their families. These individuals are generally proud of this and don't want to be the first in the family to divorce. While divorce can be a sad reality, the option to end a marriage hasn't always been available. Divorce has also been a social and financial negative for women historically. There are reasons--other than love--why grandparents and great-grandparents stayed together. Of course, there a marriages that endure because they are tremendously enriching. This is a great reason to stay married--even through the miserable moments--but staying when you're unhappy and can't get happy together is now a freedom you have.

Bad Reason for Staying #3

Some people struggle with the reality that it takes two to make a marriage. They feel a divorce is a personal failure when one person alone can't make a marriage strong. Some people stay in truly miserable, harmful relationships because they don't want to admit to defeat. Failure doesn't feel good, but (as discussed in other columns) it is a reality in life. Failure can help us learn if we resist the urge to beat ourselves over failure and work at objectively studying it. Relationships need to work; to benefit those in them. Some stay to acknowledging that the marriage isn't working.

If you're miserable in your marriage, there's work to be done. Whether you're staying in a bad situation because you don't want to prove others right (the ones who never thought it would work) or you're staying because you're afraid you'll never find anyone better, if you're miserable leaving might be your best option.

Don't be miserable in your marriage.

THE WRONGNESS OF BEING RIGHT

Let's all admit it--we love being right. It just feels good. But this is one feel-good situation that can have ugly side effects. There naturally are conflicts in relationships, disagreements that can be trivial or bitter or both.

You have different view points, different religions, different opinions of Obama. Whatever. You need to realize, though, that hammering the other person with your take on things leaves her feeling, well, hammered. As in beaten down. While saying "I told you so" when her candidate or her boyfriend(who you never liked) falters, can feel great, it doesn't warm her up to you.

Look at it this way--if you're always right, that means she's always wrong. Why would she like you? Why would she want to be around you?

It can be challenging when those close to you are making choices you believe are unhealthy, whether this means eating badly and never exercising or marrying the wrong guy. The urge to straighten out the other person can be almost overwhelming. After all, doesn't friendship/blood relationship/motherhood give you the right to tell them like it is(according to you)?

Not without consequences.

If you insist that you're always right, others will soon find you toxic. You may attract a kind of individual who initially likes you ploughing ahead and taking charge, but this uneven relationship is doomed to fail. There's nothing healthy in always being the powerful, bossy person. It's exhilarating at first, but carrying others soon gets to be burdensome.

Remember that we all have mistaken moments--times when we goof up. It's in the nature of being human that we fail. We learn through failing, but if you're heavily invested in taking charge of all situations and all relationships, you can't allow this. You can't tolerate screwing up and you certainly can't learn from it.

It's unavoidable that you'll be wrong sometimes. You're probably acutely aware of those moments and may do whatever you can to hide your own flaws. Instead, you need to embrace them. Accept that you mess up and acknowledge this to the ones closest to you. Acknowledge when you make mistakes with them. Invite their feedback and suggestions. Believe it or not, this makes you more personally powerful.

Work hard on listening to others. They'll give you ideas about where you can best focus your energy and they'll think the better of you for not always needing them to be wrong.

RECYCLED KIDS

Therapists who work with the kids in the foster system try to help these children realize they've done nothing to deserve being there--they aren't foster children because they're bad or because they've done bad things. They've just had incredibly bad luck.

In an age when couples spend tens of thousands of dollars to conceive or to adopt newborn babies, the older child is often not considered. The foster system is bulging with children whose birth parents have in some way failed to provide for them or failed to protect them from harm.

Many of these children have suffered abuse, as well as, neglect. They need to be loved.

They have issues. We all have issues, but it's a reality that kids in the foster system can be difficult to deal with. It isn't fair to them to romanticize this or to deny it. Many struggle with a fear of--and a determination not to--attach to others. Bad things have happened to them before, too often out of an "attached" or family relationship.

Still, these kids are worth recycling. In fact, they are the ultimate in recycled goods. Some kids are damaged, seemingly beyond repair. Some seem surprisingly okay. All are in need and aren't the rest of us? Adults who want to become parents always take a risk--they never know what they'll get. Just as parents of so-called natural children. The outcome of parenting is always a mixed bag. Nothing can be more rewarding and nothing more heart-breaking.

If you're looking to do some parenting, consider the recycled foster child. But don't do this lightly or without serious consideration. These kids don't need more heartache and disappointment.

DATING HOW-TO

Get a Clear Picture of The Life You Want

This is important. If you see yourself and a large family living in the mountains, you don't need to get with a guy who doesn't want kids or who can't imagine living outside the city. If you dream of traveling to far off lands, don't get with a guy who thinks home is the only place a sane person would stay.

Know the life you're envisioning and remember this when it comes to picking a mate.

Is being married important to you? Then, don't spend years going out with someone who doesn't ever want to get married or who says vaguely that if it happens, it happens. If you don't see yourself having children, you'd best steer clear of guys with kids or those who want their wives/significant others to stay home with their progeny. The same thing goes for jobs. If you are invested in a career that demands a lot of you, then you need a mate who's supportive of what you're doing.

Dating may seem like it should be casual and natural, but chances are you'll have to make some decisions. Better to do that before you lose your heart to a man who doesn't share your values.

Know Your Own Values

Different beliefs about money are the number one conflict area that couples split up over. If you're a saver vs. spender, you need to know this. If earning a million before you're thirty is a big goal, that factors into your relationships. Having similar feelings about the importance of your income won't guarantee your relationships, but having very different feelings about money is guaranteed to challenge relationships. You might see things differently when it comes to finances, but you've got to respect the importance of one another's money value.

Feelings about fidelity run deep. If you're a dyed-in-the-wool monogamist, but your partner thinks cheating is "natural", the two of you have big trouble ahead. Cheating is too often a reality in relationships and runs a close second to conflicts over money. Infidelity is usually a reflection of unresolved issues in the relationship, but you need to know how you feel about a committed mate stepping out on a partner.

Some couples long to have their mates go to church with them. If this is a major value for you, don't date someone who views organized religion as a "opiate of the masses." It may not seem sexy to ask a guy on your first date if he goes to church, but you ought to wedge this discussion into the conversation before you unzip your dress and get naked with him. In order to make this a priority, you need to get a grip of your own feelings about religion.

The "Curl Your Toes" Factor

You may have decided not to let your passions rule your romantic decisions and I applaud you for this, but you need to consider the importance of sex appeal to a relationship. Dating someone based on whether or not you want to rip his clothes off probably isn't a good idea, but you have to be interested in how he looks when he's naked. If you completely disregard this, you run the risk of having a passionless relationship and that's just sad. It is possible to have both stability and hot-cha-cha.

Okay, Get Set, Interview!

It so doesn't seem sexy, but dating is a lot like looking for a job. Both you and he have certain stuff you need in a mate--just be honest about it. You may meet some great, interesting guys, but just not see a future with them. Do your best not to fall in love with the idea of falling in love. The guy in question might be lonely, too, but he wants you to want him, not just settle. He also doesn't want you taking up time on his dance card, if you just don't want to be alone and you're biding your time until a more likely candidate comes along.

Ask the important questions. Maybe not on the very first date--don't want to be checking off a list--but soon. Certainly before you start wrinkling his sheets or picking out china patterns.

Dating can be tiring and exhausting. It can also be okay. Remember the old adage that you "...have to kiss a lot of frogs..."? Well, the frog wants to make sure you're a good bet, too.

Go out, have a good time and interview each other.

NEW BABY AND FAMILY RIFTS

A frustrated husband and father writes "We have been married for about 18 months and had our first daughter six months back in June.... For the two years my wife and I dated as well as the first year of our marriage, the four of us(my parents and us) got along incredibly well.... When we had our daughter,...my mother was a bit overbearing and inserted herself a bit much. This left a bad taste in my wife's mouth and damaged their relationship. Over the next several months my mom dialed things back...[but] my wife continues to find fault with most everything my parents do...she is interpreting every action as a slight against her and my parents way of getting back at her.... I desperately want all of us to have a happy life together, for she and my mom to have their relationship back and for my parents to enjoy their only grandchild and daughter-in-law."

Frustrated Husband and Father may not like it, but I suspect he's playing a bigger part in all this than he sees. His wife is just adjusting to the major role of parent, and he could be part of the problem. The focus now is on his parents and their actions, but the change he sees in their relationship with his spouse is linked to the even bigger changes in her life.

Think about it this way, being a parent--even when long desired--brings with it a whole lot of baggage. Particularly for women.

There's the difference in how she spends her time and the lack of sleep, but this (while difficult) is only part of the picture. Most women accept the majority of the emotional responsibility for their children--how they're cared for, what they need and want, how well they sleep, if they're "happy" babies, and on and on. This is why most mothers feel so entitled for big gifts and big hoopla with Mother's Day. Motherhood brings great expectations, both from society in general and from the mother herself.

So, here's the part Frustrated Father plays: Give the woman a break. She's dealing with the spoken and unspoken criticism of all the mothers she meets. Especially your mother.

There's also the possibility that she's diverting some of her overwhelmed distress from you to your mother. Most men these days feel pretty good about their parenting. They think they are involved fathers and do just as much of the parenting work as their mates, but statistics don't indicate that men are equally involved with women in caring for their children.

Women still carry the bigger load and part of this is because they themselves expect to "be the mom." Part of the disparity in parenting is also because men really don't see all that's required and still are glad to leave most of the work to moms. It's a pretty overwhelming expectation--accepting even 65% of the care for a newborn--and women don't usually stop all their other activities. This is all complicated by the interactions and expectations within the relationship.

Not only is Frustrated's wife dealing with new parenthood, she's still adjusting to their marriage. This is no small matter for most people. A new marriage ranks high on the list of life changes that lead to increased stress, as does the birth of a baby. There have been a lot of changes in this woman's life. If her new mother-in-law presumed some in the very beginning of parenthood, she might have painted a target on her back.

I recommend Frustrated do a serious self-inventory, asking himself if he's carrying as much of the new load as his wife and that he give the woman a break. If he continues his silent condemnation of her as the meanie who won't get along with his parents, he's missing his own part in these dynamics. Sure, she's probably unfair to his parents sometimes. But moving forward with this requires him to cut her some slack and get into the parenting trenches with her. He also needs to make sure that the two of them have time together and that the issues that come up between them are as openly addressed as he can manage.

Don't think I'm saying that this is all Frustrated's fault. It's not, but he has some responsibility for the situation, which gives him power.

I'm all for everyone feeling their power.

DIVIDED FAMILIES, INHERITANCE WOES

"My sister and I are grown and on our own for fifteen plus years. We have [now] been disowned by our father for the past year. Our mother passed away 7 years ago, [but] just last year her mother passed away. [Our] father became very upset when my mother's portion of the inheritance from our maternal grandparents went to my sister and I. That is when he cut us out of his life. ...he wants us to sign those houses over to him, since he was not named in their will. ...he has gotten himself in a major debt and now he is trying to get us to bail him out."--Estate Confusion

My condolences on the lost of your grandmother and both of your parents--Mom to death and dad to the squabbling over money. The loss of a relative can be hurtful on a number of levels, the most needless is the fighting over assets. Lawyers with estate experience often see blood kin resorting to hostilities over the leftovers when a relative dies. It's just sad.

Money hits us in so many emotional areas--people seek recompense when they feel they've been unloved or loved less. The issue of financial need is often raised--those with less assets often feel they should inherit more than the rest--and like the email above from Estate Confusion, the arguments can deepen into long-term estrangement. There is often a sense of entitlement, either from a family connection or from some action taken. Some people feel owed.

It's enough to make those with money go looking for a charity to whom to leave the financial accumulation of a lifetime.

Emotional issues get played out when it's time to transfer wealth, even when the money doesn't add up to much. Sometimes, wills and the distribution of assets can be an attempt to control the actions of the inheritor. Remember the movies that show an legatee rushing to the alter by a certain deadline in order to inherit?

Estate Confusion indicates that she thinks her dad hasn't made good money choices and he now wants her to rescue him. There's also a hint that she disapproves of his money actions and wants to straighten him out. (Such a normal urge. We all occasionally want to straighten out the ones close to us.)

When these kinds of situations burst forth after the death of a relative, some people just hand over the money to avoid on-going family bitterness, but that usually means they end up feeling bitter, even if they don't talk about it. What everyone needs to realize as quickly as they can is that--beyond taking care of you when you were a child--parents don't owe you anything. Estate Confusion doesn't owe her father the houses that will get him out of financial trouble and she shouldn't be blackmailed into handing them over. But she also has to come to terms with the reality that she has no right to control her dad's actions. Even the really stupid ones.

If she approves of his decisions, will she give him the houses?

Money seems to equal power too often in this world and this is largely why we argue over it. Giving a relative the cash they want(and demand) won't fix the relationship. It won't make everything rosy and you may be left feeling screwed. Sometimes, you just have to accept the limitations in a relationship.

Look at your own actions to make sure you're being as honest with yourself as you can. Listen to trusted individuals(not those who want you to hand over the cash) and learn what you can learn from these conflicts.

But don't think you have to do what others want you to do, just to make peace. Sometimes, there's just no peace to be had.