BE A GOOD "APPRECIATOR"

I have a lot of wonderful aspects of my life--a happy marriage, a nice place to live, work I love and a really hot sports car (that didn't cost a huge amount of money. I feel good about that), but I also have crappy days when nothing seems to go right. I mess up and double book clients. I get caught in traffic snarl-ups and I run late everywhere.

Sometimes life sucks....but not usually.

It's hard to remember the times you found a parking spot close to the front or when you didn't get the flu that everyone else got. We forget the good stuff when other things are very frustrating. I'm not recommending that you go all Pollyanna on everything, but just that it's important to see the whole picture in life. If we never see how our efforts are earning us good things, we miss our successes and focus only on our failures.

Most individuals have some of both. (Not failing isn't even a good thing; it means you're not risking anything and growing requires risk.) Very, very few of us don't succeed at something and not seeing a success means we don't get to learn from it. After all, we need to see when we've done something that works. When clients come in, telling me that their relationships have gone pretty well since our last session, I always ask Why? What did you do right? What did you do differently?

In my doctoral training, asking why was presented as a bad thing because people can feel defensive when why comes up and this is true. But I'm not talking about an accusatory why; I really want to understand--Why did this change? What did you do differently? Because if things were going badly in your relationship before and now they're better, maybe something you did actually worked.

We need to appreciate our successes, need to see the stuff that doesn't go wrong. This kind of perspective gives a balance to the bad we notice and helps us to aim our behavior better next time.

Appreciating the good stuff in our lives helps us to make better choices. Clients sometimes come in, telling me that their spouse is terrific, but they--the client--are a terrible, lousy person. Not possible. You picked the spouse; you had to have said yes to the proposal or to have proposed yourself. Your living with your wonderful spouse has to give him/her something. Seeing what you've done well or what you've inherited through very good luck (great athletic ability, your own kind of intelligence) helps you deal with the challenging moments that come with every life.

I have a daughter in medical school who worries because some other students have better grades than she does--never mind that she's nowhere near the lowest in her class and that those who graduate with a "C" will still be our physicians in a few years. And some of them will be really terrific doctors. She doesn't always do as well as she feels her massive studying should yield. But I point out to her that she's in medical school and that takes quite a bit of success, in itself. It seems to me that being where she's at needs to convince her of her ability.

We don't tend to over-value ourselves. Even those who bluster and brag are often covering a deep sense of not being good-enough. But getting through each day is a miracle--really, think about the people who don't make it. It's not so important how we look after coming through the storm, but that we make it through.

Appreciate yourself and your blessings. Give yourself the recognition you deserve.

NO PERFECT PARENTS

Don't kid yourself, no one parents as well as they wish they did. Raising kids is one of the hardest things on this earth and when you put pressure on yourself to parent your kids without ever messing up, you're being too harsh. And unrealistic.

You Weren't Treated Well:

Most individuals--even if they appreciate the effort their parents put into raising them--most of us have moments when we felt our parents failed us. You probably excuse this because you don't want to be too hard on them and you know they didn't have it perfect either.

But do you give yourself the same leeway?

Individuals with particularly difficult childhoods often make a great effort not to do what their own parents did. Maybe your parents abandoned you in a basket outside a fire station, maybe they subjected you to abuse or neglect--either of these can leave you feeling both flawed(like their behavior was due to something about you) and determined to better by your kids.

You Want To Give It Everything You've Got:

Then again, you might have had okay parents. They had their difficult moments; they were human and flawed, but you've seen how you can do better. After all, you love your kids more than life. You'd do anything for them...you've probably sacrificed more than they'll ever know.

Maybe Less-Than-Perfect-Parenting Helps The Kid:

Individuals need to know that screwing up is part of life. How better to learn this than to have a parent--who sometimes screwed up--pointing out to the kid that perfection isn't achievable. If you're wrestling with this yourself, you can't very well help your kids deal appropriately with their mistakes. You have to forgive yourself and it's easier when you've learned from the choices you wished you'd made differently. Don't think you can always make the right decisions...just learn from the things you wouldn't do again.

Outside of neglect and abuse, parents most often screw up not by what they don't give their kids, but by doing too much. Rescuing your children from the consequences of their choices just robs them of learning opportunities. While it's very difficult to watch someone you love dealing with difficult things, how can your kids learn they are capable of handling life if you're always rushing in to do the heavy lifting? Let them learn. Let them feel their own power.

The more you allow your children to avoid conflict and only do the fun stuff, the more you're weakening them. While it's your job to provide housing, adequate clothing and a secure environment, you're not responsible for making life easy. As a matter of fact, doing too much of this leaves your children unprepared for the realities of this world.

Let your kids face life (but don't think this gives you an excuse to disconnect from and emotionally-abandon your kids). If you love them, love them. Be available. Believe in them. Let them screw up. Know they can do whatever they need to do. Accept that they don't need you to rescue them.

Sometimes believing in a child's capacities is the most important gift you can give. Be there--be an air bag, so they will survive their experiences--but don't be their escape hatch.

MARRIAGE OVER?

Many an individual comes to my office saying their relationship just isn't how we used to be. They're trying to sort out what to do with the marriage--whether to leave or to stay and keep plugging away. These folks report eroded emotions. That which used to be loving and connected, just isn't anymore.

When you get to the point of using the words "always" and "never" in your fights/arguments/discussions, matters have progressed. Your conflicts have gotten to a pointless level where no one wins and if someone feels like he's winning, he's still losing on a relationship-level.

So why stay?

If you can't work things out and you're unhappy in the relationship, you just need to move on...right? Only moving on without another lover in the wings means being alone and alone is really scary for a bunch of us. Maybe staying together in an unhappy, unresolved and seemingly unresolvable marriage is better than facing being alone. It can certainly seem that way.

This the rocky soil that grows infidelity. Don't let popular sentiment sway you, no happy relationship is broken by infidelity. These relationships were in trouble already. When someone cheats, it's always because there were unresolved issues in the first place. This doesn't let anyone off the hook, though. Cheating is the easy, but dysfunctional way out of a relationship.

Cheating stems from disconnected emotions and unresolved relationships issues, but don't assume that this means there's no connection in the relationship. Often partners have shared history or shared children. Disentangling these ties can be very difficult and the perceived support of another significant other can give people the boost to move forward.

You stay in the unhappy place until you find someone else to cuddle you, someone to tell you how terrific you are, someone to promise that he'll never be like the one you're currently married to. He's different. You'll never have the same problems with him, never reach the same dead ends.

Sadly, in a few years you may find yourself in the same spot with a different face, different name.

If your marriage is in trouble and can't be resuscitated--it's surprising how many can be--then don't wait to get involved with someone else before you have the courage to leave. Do the strong thing. Believe in yourself and just leave. Don't do this before you work on yourself, though. Every relationship involves two people. It's not all your fault, but there's something of you in the mess. You're contributing to the issues...sometimes just by allowing the conflicts to go unchallenged.

Work on yourself. On your stuff. Look at what you can change and then change it. If the marriage is still unhealthy and unhappy, leave. Don't stay because you've grown comfortable with the discomfort. Don't think an unhappy marriage is a good place for your kids to grow up.

Above all things, don't wait till you fall in love with someone new before you get out. That's just buying more trouble.

CHOSEN LAST

The majority of folk remember being chosen last when playing games at school. This can't actually have been the case because just looking at it statistically, most had to have been picked somewhere in the middle. But lots of people identify with that chosen last feeling. The memory of this childhood trauma is an indication of the challenging aspect of struggling to feel you're okay. Acceptable.

This is a big deal for most people and shouldn't be dismissed.

You may, however, be judging yourself by inappropriate measures. If you only look at those who make better grades, get more promotions or earn more money, you're missing a significant part of the picture. You may come from a family with siblings who have higher degrees and make more money.

That doesn't mean they're better than you.

The feeling of not being good enough, not being recognized as special, not being smart is an experience that most people have. It's not necessarily an accurate reflection of your personality, but its a self-perception that many people share.

Lots of individuals--highly successful by society's standard--can talk about this. They've never felt they were as good as others. Students in medical school measure themselves against other students who never seem to have to study, while others feel all they do is study. But they're forgetting that even being accepted into medical school requires a lot. Not everyone makes it. They're comparing themselves against only those who do better, not against the ones who tried, but weren't accepted into these programs.

People who are high-achievers at work, but feel they must constantly be working harder and harder...they can feel not good enough.

Maybe we've got a screwy perception of what self-esteem means. It's not about easy. The tougher aspects of life are hard for most people. We have a misconception that life ought to be easier, but the big hurdles aren't easy. Some people make it look easier...few breeze through a couple of difficult situations, but don't think that easy is easy.

When things come too easy, individuals don't learn how to persevere. This is not a fun tool to acquire, but it's significant and it'll help you more in your life than if you'd won the lottery or breezed into the best salesman spot at work.

Self-esteem isn't about not trying. It's about plugging ahead. Doing what we need to do, even when it's hard. We forget that most things worth achieving don't come without some sweat and tears.

There are individuals--and they seem to get great press--who appear to breeze through life. They bound to the top of mountains that the rest of us crawl up. They face what we see as hurdles as if these are nothing.

We hate them.

But when you're assessing yourself, don't give so much emphasis to the effort required to reach your goals that you forget having actually reached the goal. You got there. That's what counts. In very few life situations does your GPA count. When was the last time you asked your physician if she made A's, B's or C's? She's still a physician no matter which grade she got and she can still help you through some tough times.

The challenges to reaching your goals in your life can build character--that means you get stronger. Or you decide you didn't really want the goal that much. Either way you get good things from the process.

We all have challenges in life. Even if you can't see it, even the golden achiever--the person you hate and wish you were--we all struggle because that's the nature of this life.

Don't judge yourself too harshly. Don't think feeling like a loser means you are one. Just keep plugging away at what is worthwhile to you.

NECESSARY POWER

Some parents feel harassed and hounded by their kids. They feel like the children in their lives have all the power. Ever tried to make a kid eat when he didn't want to? Or make one sleep when he doesn't want to? These are very frustrating situations and can make the most sane parents feel like doing something really stupid.

But it's important to realize that children, by the very nature of things, have less power. They need you to provide them with food, to give them a safe place to live and to protect them against life's harsh moments. You may do all this out of the love of your heart, but don't think the kid doesn't know who has most of the power. The big person. The ones the child needs.

Needing someone else always makes us feel weak. Even if that need is all wrapped snug in a loving relationship, need involves vulnerability and vulnerability can make us feel weak. You are bigger and stronger and you have more options. Your children know this and while they cling to you and love you, they also have frustrating moments of powerlessness.

Power can sometimes have a negative slant. It's a term often used in a derogatory way and it can be an accusation, but everyone needs power.

Romantic relationships that have great power differentials--one partner makes a lot more money than the other, one's a lot older, one's a lot prettier--have even bigger conflicts than most. Individuals who have less power, feel limited and scared.

This is how children feel and it's why they resort to dirty tricks to get what they want or to level the playing field some. Parents are often distressed and frustrated that their children lie to them, but kids have their reasons. They lie about stuff that'll get them in trouble with the ones who have the most power. Kids aren't stupid. They know how this works.

Of course, lying leads logically to mistrust. It's not a good method of dealing with power differentials.

It's part of the job of parenting to help children feel and find healthy power. But it's no good to tell you kids that honesty is always the best policy unless you reward honesty--at least somewhat. Make the punishment a little less harsh if the child confesses. Look for ways your child makes a difference in their own lives and point this out. If the kid studies hard before a test and then does well, that's the kid's power. As parents, we sometimes take credit for way too much. Our chests swell with pride when our child does well. Of course you have a lot to do with your child's successes...but remember that ultimately the kid makes good things happen for himself. You want him to feel that he's earned his successes.

You may feel maddened with the frustrating parts of parenting--and there are a ton--but don't succumb to the impulse to throw your weight around. Remember, that child of yours is growing up. You want her to connect to her own power. You want her to make good choices even when you're not around. The best sign of really good parenting is a child who's prepared to respond to life when you're not there anymore.

IMPLICIT LESSONS -- DON'T NAG

Don't nag. Most lessons in life come from us getting the natural consequences of our choices. Even though pointing out the bad choice or ugly behavior is very, very tempting, it doesn't help. As parents, we have a tendency to talk and talk to our kids, making sure they understand the errors of their ways. We say, "See? This was bad for you. See?" Whether they've fallen off their skateboard after a wild manuever or just gotten dumped by the boyfriend who we knew from the start was a jerk--we just can't resist saying that we told them so. This was a bad situation and they should have listened to us.

We even do this to spouses. Who hasn't had given into the urge to point out to a husband or wife that we were right? Being right gives a darned good feeling to the person who's right, but leaves a bad taste in the other person's mouth. We certainly know what it feels like to be wrong, so we revel in saying See? See? I told you so!

Choices bring consequences, either good or bad. Pleasant or unpleasant. Going to work may suck, but you get a paycheck (even if it's not big enough). Consequences. The outcome of what you did or didn't do. These help us decide whether or not to make that choice again.

But when we do a victory dance over someone else's ugly consequences, we're actually becoming a distraction to their lesson. We take away some of the consequences power because we pull the other person's attention away from the results of what they've chosen onto ourselves. They hate us being right!

Children are much more likely to remember their parents getting mad than they are to remember why their parents got upset with them. They remember your angry lecture, but forget the stupid, risky choice they made that earned them the lecture.

They remember you--and not in a good way--and forget that their actions didn't really work for them. Let the lesson speak for itself. You might want to underscore what needs to be learned, just in case they weren't paying attention. You probably also want to make sure they don't go down this painful path again.

Sometimes you nag because you care. It just doesn't work. Doesn't help children learn; doesn't help them know you care.

When they make bad choices and get the natural results of these, just tell them you love them. Give them a kind, but sad smile because they're suffering and you love them.

Do the hard thing. Acknowledge their experience, but don't nag. It's hard, but you're a parent and you do hard things all the time.

FRIENDLY FIRE--WHEN YOUR MATE CHEATS

A reader in the military writes:

"I am currently deployed to Afghanistan and my husband is deployed to Iraq. I received an email yesterday from him stating that he has a six month old son. We have only been married for 12 months. He said it happened before we got married, but we have a 10 month old daughter together. I'm really confused and I need some help.... This is very depressing. I haven't been able to sleep at all. I know that I really love my husband and I want to fight for our marriage, but where do I begin? What should I do?"

He's the one who needs to do something. You guys had been married six months when his other child was born? And he didn't mention this to you at the time? Of course, he might not have known about the birth until recently, but even so, something isn't right here.

With the timing you mention, your husband had to be having sex with another woman during the time he was having sex with you. There are lots of issues involved in this situation. Were the two of you in a supposedly-monogomous relationship at the time? If so, he betrayed that commitment when he got it on with the other woman. You're in a rough situation already--in the military in a war zone--and now you are struggling with this betrayal.

The decision to work on a relationship or to leave is faced by a lot of women and this is why I wrote my recently released book "Should I Leave Him?" In the book, I help take the reader through a step-by-step decision process.

Let me say right up front that his infidelity is not your fault. This may seem obvious to some, but the cheated-on mate frequently wonders if she or he didn't do something, or didn't do it right or good enough--and therefore pushed the other mate into stepping out on her. No. Not your fault. No matter what you did or didn't do. Your husband made the decision to get involved in a sexual relationship with someone other than you. His choice.

Acknowledge your anger with him. It's very, very reasonable, even if you don't feel particularly reasonable right now.

You want to fight for the marriage and are wondering what to do, but the first question has to be directed to your husband: Does he want this marriage? The relationship can only be repaired if both individuals are willing to work on it and then he has to be honest with you about his involvment with the other woman. He can't just say "It happened before we were married." Sex doesn't just happen. Pants were unzipped.

If he wants the relationship and is willing to acknowledge his own bad behavior, then you can begin to repair your trust. This is really difficult to do even when you're in the same house and you two aren't in the same country. It's very understandable that you'd have fears that he's being unfaithful now.

It's a general reality that infidelity doesn't happen in a marriage when everything is great. (Still not blaming you for his actions.) The problems that existed between you two before the marriage have to be resolved before you can move forward with any hope that cheating won't happen again.

* * *

Confidential to S.B.--Yes, you can benefit from Couples Counseling. Actually from the sounds of things, you really, really need it.