THE FAMILY YOU CHOOSE

We have a lot of mixed feelings about "family." Depending on the luck of the draw, for you family can mean a loving, supportive unit of people who look a lot like you....or it can be a code word for hell.

In the Western world, the end of the calendar year is a period traditionally loaded with family time. This can be really good or really bad, depending on your personal experience.

Although individuals tend to define family by biology--the people with whom you share DNA--dictionaries have a much wider view of the word. Family can be defined many ways, but in general it is a basic social unit. A group who share common interests, lifestyles and goals can feel like a family.

It's not always about biology, but many view their physical connections as carrying lots of emotional baggage. I hear all the time that individuals continue having contact with troublesome relatives because of this biology. When I ask about the continued contact with the difficult or harmful relative, I get "...because he's my brother" or "...because we're family", including the ever-popular "..because she's my mom!" This latter statement is always made in shocked tones, as if the individual is startled that I'd even ask the question.

What if your biological family isn't the Norman Rockwell version? It may be far, far from this. What then? You may have little incommon with your siblings and share no affection for them. It this is true, the holiday season usually brings difficult decisions.

Many individuals view biological relatives as a kind of existential anchor. The people who came before you. To some extent, we view ourselves as occupying a place in a line of relatives--we have a place there. There is then the tendency to see our interactions as years of investment. We think of what we owe our parents and grandparents like their care for you was a debt to which you agreed. Sometimes we struggle, feeling alone and naked in a cold world without some form of family interaction, even when our interactions with biological relatives are far from loving and nurturing.

There are "bad" families. My work with foster kids has shown me this. Yes, there are kids in foster care whose parents are just messed up themselves or who are scrambling to get their lives together, so they can care for their kids again. But there are also other situations--the sad, sad ones with children who've been abandoned or abused or both.

Biology doesn't equal love.

Unfortunately, those children of less-than-loving families can think their situations are about them...that they somehow deserve not to be loved. This is so far from the truth. No matter what we've done or not done, we still deserve love. Still, individuals struggled with the belief that "...if my own family doesn't love me, I must be a horrible person."

So not true.

Family can be a warm, supportive place, a shelter to which you run when you need to lick your wounds or a group of people who fiercely back you up. But this doesn't have to be biologically-based. Adopted children are often greatly loved. Chosen and loved.

Maybe it's time to let go of the biology-as-family definition and move instead to where we define family as those who love us--those who act loving toward us, not just say the word.

Maybe family is defined by what's in the heart.

* * *

Confidential to Ista:

You may think your wife is yelling and upset over nothing, but this isn't usually the case. She's mad about something. Your best bet is to try really hard to listen to what's upsetting her. Don't explain or defend yourself. Don't try to "correct" her. Doing these will just give her the impression that you're arguing. She may make statements that you think aren't true. You still need to hear what she feels, what's upsetting to her. After she tells you that you've heard whatever is upsetting her, then you get to tell her what's upsetting you. Only after you listen, though.

Much would be solved in relationships if we learned how to hear each other.

WALKING THE PARENT TIGHTROPE

Don't think having kids will sudden confer a personality transformation on you. You'll still be the same person and you'll have taken on one of the hardest jobs on this earth. Parenting has many rewards, but it's no cake walk.

First, you have to walk the careful line between abandonment and entitlement. You want to be there for your children--to give them love and devotion. Whether or not this was your experience growing up, you want this for your children. But can you give them too much? If the Big Depression left children growing up carefully watching their pennies for fear of having nothing, this era has raised an Entitlement generation.

The children growing up now--and those who are young adults--have been given toys and electronics at the drop of a hat. Heck, we give children who aren't having a birthday presents to keep them from feeling bad that the birthday child has presents. Something is seriously wrong here. Things are offered to adjust emotions and then, we expect kids to say no to drugs and alcohol and risky relationships that do the same--make the bad feelings temporarily go away.

Bad feelings aren't fun, but they aren't the end of the world, either.

Parents and grandparents pamper children and then get upset when the kids are demanding, bratty individuals who refuse to grow up and support themselves. In this scenario, when have kids ever been expected to care for themselves?

The opposite of entitled children are the kids who's parents have ceased to care for their emotional needs. Parenting is a gradual taking off of your supportive hands, kind of like when you were teaching your children to ride a bike. Then, you ran along-side the child, holding the bike up while he pedaled. As he found his balance, you began to withdraw your hold until you took your hand off completely...because he was riding on his own.

When learning to ride a bike, the kids might fall. Then, they learn the lesson of getting up, dusting themselves off and giving it another shot. Lots of moments like that in life.

Parents sometimes start off, though, lavishing attention and time on their young children, giving them an abundance of stuff and excuses for their misbehavior, only to stop doing more than putting a roof over their head when they reach more challenging ages. Just withdrawing when parenting gets hard, isn't taking your hands off the bike, it's withdrawal.

But doing the gradual thing requires you to be connected to and in tune with your children. It can be painful and difficult to watch them fail. We hurt when our loved ones fail, but letting them learn is so important. We tend to rescue for ourselves, not for them.

The most loving parenting involves giving kids a firm structure, within which kids are free to negotiate, if they want. Certain things are completely unacceptable--hurting others, destroying property--but some things can be discussed and given in moderation. It's a challenge to find the right balance at times, but the combination gives your kids a strong foundation upon to rest while they're growing up.

Be reasonable and consistent with structure; don't waffle. If you identify and follow through with consequences, they'll generally learn how to handle life. You have to believe in them, believe they can learn to do what's best for them. This is the best gift you can give your child. When you believe in the child's capacity--to cope, to grow, to handle the bumps of growing up--your child gets the message she's okay. That's a gift--I know you're going to be okay. I know you have what it takes. If you truly believe this about your child, you don't need to rescue him.

As parents, aren't we working out way out of our jobs? This is my belief about therapy, too. I'm working my way out of a job, helping clients learn what they need to move forward without me. This isn't a forever role. Neither is parenting. Like it or not, one day you won't be there for your kids. You want them to be strong and capable and successful people...even when you're no longer around.

ONCE A CHEATER?

Maybe there's more to this question than common knowledge suggests. Many people believe that cheating in a committed relationship is a personal flaw that cannot be changed. I think that's an over-simplification. Some individuals adhere to this belief, thinking they just need to shun those who've cheated and that the cheater will never change, but this can be simply an attempt to try and feel more secure. The story goes that you just need to leave a cheated-on relationship and move on to someone who won't betray you.

Only this isn't so easy. Cheaters don't come bar-coded for easy identification and, as difficult as it is to make happen, people do change. We're not born with a set of behaviors that we're just stuck with. We get to choose the actions that work for us and change the ones that don't.

All that being said, some people who cheat once, do cheat again. Others, though, never cheat again. If you're the betrayed party, you feel hurt and mad and you want assurances that you'll never be hurt again.

The reality is, however, even if you leave the cheater, you can't be assured that the next relationship won't go the same way.

If you've been betrayed and heart-wounded by infidelity, you need to do the difficult thing and learn whatever you can learn from the experience. This is brutally hard. When all you want to do is crawl off and lick your wounds--in between moments of coming back to beat your mate--it's very, very difficult to step-back enough to look at the problems in the relationship before the breach.

Just thinking about looking at these issues can seem like you're being blamed for your mate's bad behavior. This is never true. Cheating occurs when the main relationship is struggling, but the choice to get naked with someone other than the mate can only be the cheater's choice. This isn't ever anyone else's fault. Ever. If you've been betrayed, you may have been told that your mate wouldn't have stepped out on you if you had more sex with the mate, bitched less at him/her, didn't flirt with other people, et cetera, et cetera.

Even if your mate never told you the cheating was your fault, you may still wonder: Was it something I did? Nope, not your fault.

However, while the cheating can only be the choice of the cheater, the relationship between you and your mate is 50/50. You both contribute to whatever happens between you. While this may seem blaming, it's really not. Unless you cheated, the cheating isn't your fault. It is very important, though, that you see your part in the relationship. You are responsible for your behavior in the relationship. If you have no impact on your mate, we're saying you have no power. Having no power is scary and unacceptible.

So, you have half of this thing--not the cheating--but half of the relationship.

You need to see that you can make your life better. You need to see what you add to the problems, so you can change your actions. This is your power, so learn what you need to learn from your damaged relationship.

Once a cheater, always a cheater? Maybe. Maybe not. The relationship needs careful examination and you need to look at what you want. You get to decide whether you stay or go. No one gets to tell you what to do. Ever. Not your mother. Not your professional therapist. No one. This is your decision.

You may not have anything else to give this relationship. You may be done. Your call. Even if your partner is really, really sorry, even if there were problems in the relationship and you weren't always an angel. Still, your call. Go or stay.

Never be ashamed of staying, though, and working to see if anything can be resuscitated. Staying doesn't make you weak, stupid or foolish. If you stay, there's something in the relationship of value to you--you hope you can make it a great deal better. Stay and change things. Stay if you can actually see improvement.

Issues in relationship don't just go away and the cheater saying "Sorry, I'll never cheat again" doesn't fix the problems, but the problems might actually be worked through. Maybe.

Having cheated once doesn't guarantee that an individual will cheat again. But the only way to hope to achieve this is to address the problems, to find better ways to successfully deal with issues.

Stay and work on things or go. Make your choice based on what you need and on whether the issues in the relationship can be resolved.

SIBLING RUPTURE

Sibling relationships can go one of two ways--you can be stuck like glue to one another or feel as disconnected as scattered Legos. The home you grow up in has a big, big impact on this, but not necessarily in a specific direction. Children who grow up in terrible situations sometimes cling together as if they're bonded by Super-Glue. The opposite can be true, too. Horrible situations can pit children against one another and traumatize them in ways that make sibling connections deeply complicated.

To some individuals, sibling divisions are very troubling. They lose sleep over this, struggling to find ways to make the connection whole again. Others--for reasons that are unclear--never really make a connection in the first place.

It's hard to fathom the side you didn't grow up in. The very-connected siblings cannot understand the very-disconnected siblings and vice versa.

Sometimes siblings just choose very different lives and cannot bridge the gap or do not care to bridge it. Values separate individuals who share DNA just as they separate us all. If on the other hand, you have valued your sibling and now find that something divides you, careful examination is called for. Look at your own actions--at yourself. It's too easy to see what the other person should have done(or not done). The harder thing and the more valuable question is to ask yourself what you've contributed to the problems.

Sometimes parents--their last years, their demises or their wills--break open a fissure in sibling relationships. Sometimes, parents work very hard to bring siblings together to no avail. Parents have an impact, but the siblings get to decide how their relationships will be resolved.

Parent involvement in this situation can go either way or be totally irrelevant. (I think of the two, I'd rather be part of the problem. At least if you're part of the problem, you can work to fix your part of the mess. When the mess is nothing of your doing, there's not much you can change to make it better.)

The most important thing siblings can do, however, is that same loving act we can offer to all--respect the other person. Oh, I know that some choices made by others are deeply repugnant and leave you not wanting to associate with them. But most people aren't Dexter--and even he has a value system although very twisted. Most of us are seeking validation that means something to us. Pretty simple, really. What we value isn't necessarily what our neighbors value. Some people really respect the highly-educated. Others think education is a waste of time and money and value something different like wealth.

We want different things and sometimes different lives from our siblings.

The point is that barring those values that incorporate murder and mayhem, most of us are just trying to create lives that matter. If your siblings choose very, very different paths--different religions or no religion at all--acknowledge that person's right to seek that which is valuable. The trouble is that we too often view different as some kind of judgement about our own choices. Whether you're seeking a life in a seminary or you love the thrust-and-parry of the business world, someone else choosing a different life doesn't mean they think you're wrong in your choices.

Your siblings might have messed up pretty badly, but just as in other relationships, you can't change other individuals' choices or behaviors--only your own. If you have a ruptured relationship with a sibling, do your best to work on you and accept him/her.

Both can be hard.

MY TEACHER FROM THE PAST

I was always a drifty kid, prone to flashes of intelligence, but I was really bad at finishing my work. At least, that's how I remember it and, honestly, I don't remember a lot. The names of classmates, even as recently as college, are lost to me, mostly because I've always been pretty introverted and didn't know how to interact with the world.

And the past isn't greatly important to me. (Sorry FaceBook aficianadoes who avidly look for elementary schoolmates whose names they remember.)

I've forgotten most of my classmates and all but a few teachers. I have great respect for the teaching profession, not because anyone in particular took an interest in me and guided me toward my eventual field of focus, but because I've come to see this as important, hard work--teaching.

I saw this most clearly as I witnessed the folks who guided my children's footsteps at various points in academia, particularly the early teachers--the ones who gave them a foundation and helped them learn personal responsibility for school work. My children are both better scholars than I ever thought to be and I attribute this to their early teachers. They've had some great (and no so great) teachers through high school and college. Some of which were very helpful and important and some of which stunk.

As do many of us, I have a teacher who impacted me negatively and who left me cringing. I was too much of a pansy to even cause this woman any trouble in class. Ironically, this was an English teacher and I've forgotten her name, not because of my classroom trauma, but just because I don't focus a lot on the past. At least not the details, like her name. I remember the incident in which my teacher humiliated me, though. I remember it this way probably because I was a wuss. I should have blown her off or given her classroom-hell, not groveled in my skin.

I think she was stupid in what she said--an English teacher--who when walking the aisle between the desks before class, chose to criticize scornfully my choice of reading material. Yep, I had a book lying on my desk. Not a piece of classic literature, but a frothy light read. She felt it necessary to criticize this in front of my classmates. She was openly scornful. Now, you might wonder at why an English teacher didn't fall to her knees at this evidence, thankful that a high school student was reading for pleasure, but no. This wasn't her response and, at this point, I pity her--yes, a little scornfully--but I think she really missed an opportunity and I feel sad for her.

I continue to read all kinds of things for pleasure, but she lost me in that moment. (I'll bet that I now have a better vocabulary than does she.)

Like I said, I have a great respect for teachers. They work harder than we know, they deal with kids who're irritating and with parents who make them want to pull their hair out. They see the neglected kids and confiscate random electronics from the entitled kids.

Not an easy profession--teaching--but an extremely important one.

Now, to my other remembered teacher. Again, I don't have a clue what his name is. "Mr. Something-Or-Other." But this guy had a profound effect on me. I was part of the great experiment in the early seventies--one of many students who went to a new school with an Open Classroom format. Now, don't think I'm advocating for closed classrooms and ankle monitors for students, but this Open Classroom format allowed my sixth grade self to easily sneak away from my class. Which I did on a regular basis.

I spent many an hour in the girls' rest room giggling and talking with friends.

Toward the end of the school year, however, I had a day of reckoning. My male teacher sat me down and told me that, if I didn't finish the work I'd been neglecting, I wouldn't move on to seventh grade. Now, mind you, my academic goal has always been to get out of school. I was smart enough to know that failing a grade wasn't going to help this.

What I really respected about this teacher who's name I don't remember is that he stated the situation simply and directly. He didn't yell at me, didn't say I was stupid, didn't threaten to call my parents--he just told me the consequences of my choices. Do the work and pass. Don't do the work and repeat sixth grade,

I finished the work and passed.

He did me a big favor, that teacher and I've thought of him many times. I wish I remembered his name, so I could thank him personally, but I don't. In many ways, I'm an idiot. So, I'm taking this opportunity to tell those of you who dedicate your lives doing something I'd never do--Thank You. Thank you, Mr. Name-I-Can't-Remember-Teacher.

Thank you for leveling with me. For talking to me like I had a brain and could use it.

You made a difference in my life, even if I can't remember your name. Good karma is being sent your way and has been all the way through my grad school degrees. I appreciate you. I just hope you feel appreciated.

You made a big difference in one kid's life. I hope yours is good.

STEP-PARENT MISTAKE

Blending two families is a major task and there are pitfalls, but the biggest is when parents want their chosen mate to act as their children's father/mother. You as a parent get to decide if you're going to divorce. You also choose who you date or marry, but you can't make your kids love the same person you love. It's not automatic, no matter how many good qualities you think your chosen partner has or how many bad qualities your ex has.

First off, kids have to deal with the loyalty factor. No matter how bad a parent you think your ex is, he or she is still the biological parent. As such, your kid probably feels a strong loyalty to your ex, particularly with you now dating a newcomer (or worse yet, your kid's best friend's father or your kid's teacher). Even if your ex doesn't pay child support or regularly visit with your kid, the kids still going to feel the loyalty.

Don't try to fight this and don't try to tell the child the truth about your ex. It won't work and your child will just think you're making stuff up. (They have to make up their own minds their parents--you, too.)

So, what to do? If there's no way in hell that you could ever see yourself reconciling with the ex, now what? If you're not okay with taking a vow of celibacy for the rest of your life, you're going to have to deal the a step-parent situation.

Rule One--don't ask your new mate to be a parent to your kids. He/she isn't responsible to make sure the kids do their chores and should be giving out punishment. This isn't fair to either of them. Even if they got along okay with the girlfriend/boyfriend in the beginning, the kids aren't necessarily going to be happy about someone who isn't their parent telling them what to do. Kids are told what to do all the time. They're not happy about having someone new telling them to clean up their rooms.

This scenario isn't good for the step-parent, either. It puts them in the role of the bad-guy and keeps them there.

Rule Two--don't ask your kids to act like this is their biological parent. Just because you fell in love and decided to share your bed with someone new, don't expect them to fall for him/her, too. Even if the actual biological parent sucks, don't think you can just pick a different one now.

So, how do you step-parent? Who gets to decide how you're all going to live together?

Set up a two-level approach: There should be basic house rules that apply to everyone. That means his kids, your kids and, yes, even you adults have to abide by the rules. Things like--if you drop it, pick it up; if you mess it up, clean it up. Basic rules. Clean up your own area, pick up your own towels from the bathroom floor and never bring home a pet without talking about it.

These basic rules are enforced by both adults in the home--kind of a universal thing--but be careful that these apply to everyone. You and your mate have to follow these rules, as do visiting children from either/both spouses' previous relationship. Be fair, don't play favorites. It never works to have two sets of rules...if anyone is expected to clean up after themselves, then everyone does. In particular, don't start applying the rules to one kid, but not another. Or think you're exempt because you're the adult.

Everyone follows the basic rules.

Specific kid situations, however, should be handled by the biological parent. Any consistent issues or problem areas that involve illegal activities are the areas in which the real parent needs to step in.

There are two ways in which this structure is breeched--sadly both of the biggest infractions are made by the adults. If one of you needs to have the validation of being a "parent" and feel you should be obeyed at all times by kids to whom you were insignificant before, then you'll have a problem and the kids will resent you. Try to remember--I'm not the kids' parent, no reason why they should act like I'm important to them.

Truthfully, kids don't always act like their biological parents should have a say-so, why should they give you the time of day?

Problems can also come from childrens' biological parents (who've felt all alone in parenting and overwhelmed) wanting their new romantic partners to step-up and take some of the parenting load. They want the step-parent to make the kids behave and do their chores. They tell them to "be my kid's parent." Single parenting is very difficult. Heck, parenting with two parents is stressful, at times, but co-opting a step-parent to do the job for you just leads to problems.

Your mate feels thrust in the middle of an unwinnable war and your kids feel betrayed.

Wanting to blend your families is an understandable desire. You just want everyone to get along and, if you came through a challenging, difficult earlier marriage/relationship, you probably want happiness and peace now. Who doesn't?

But you have to allow your kids and your mate to get to know each other and when we're talking about the intimacy of parent, this can take quite awhile. Don't think you can thrust intimacy on to everyone and don't think you get to decide who either your kids or your mate is supposed to love. Kids have choices. They like some people and don't like others.

Just like you do.

BAD SEXUAL DECISIONS?

There are the girls on SEX AND THE CITY and a bunch of sleazy websites who choose sexual partners purely for the erotic buzz they think they'll get, but do you know why you make the sexual choices you do?

Why do you sleep with whoever you sleep with? Of course, "sleep with" is a code term for doing the nasty/getting down and dirty with/exchanging bodily fluids with or the more clinical term--having sexual intercourse with.

Let's not get into the Clinton/Lewinsky debate over what sexual relations are, okay?If an intimate part of your body touch someone else's mouth/hand/sexual part, let's call it sex.

Do you know why you have sex with whoever you're having sex? Sexual decisions are tremendously complicated. It's sometimes beyond our comprehension why we are attracted to the people to whom we're attracted, but we really need to explore this. Understanding what flips your switch will help you have less of the morning-after regret and a healthier life both physically and emotionally.

There is of course the very old school--"get married before messing around" approach. Individuals adhering to this see sex as part of an emotional and usually religious partnership. Parents who're freaked out by the thought of their kids making sexual decisions of any kind usually preach this mantra to their teens: marriage then sex. This was a very typical sexual decision making requirement in the days before divorce became so sadly common. It offered the semblance of security and permanence and chastity.

Not so much anymore.

While marriage is a commitment within which sex can be a very intense emotional connection, nowadays people strip down to their bare-nothings on hardly more than a handshake. There is the often quoted "three date" rule that states couples should get physically intimate after seeing each other three times. Lots of folks view this as a fairly cautious approach, since they don't go out three times with someone they're not interested in.

This is a silly viewpoint, in that you can't know a person within three dates. Don't fool yourself. No deep or serious connection can be forged in that short an acquaintance. You can feel a lot for another person after this duration of acquaintance, but you don't know them.

Still others, go home with interesting sexual partners upon the first meeting. Go clubbing and you'll see any number of people who do this. Making sexual decisions based on the tingling of private parts may seem like a good idea, but you need to really protect yourself--both sexually and otherwise--if this is your typical behavior. This is stranger sex at it's most up front. You didn't pull up a hook-up website; you went to a bar, downed a few appletinis to lower your inhibitions and went eeny-meeny-moe.

Whether you find a person to date through friends or your church or a dating website, you need to know why you make the sexual choices you make. Knowledge puts you in charge. I'm big-time into you being in charge of your own life. Self-knowledge is empowering. Scary, too, sometimes, but ultimately empowering.

Illegal situations aside, sex involves a decision. How do you decide who you get in bed with?