THE PERFECT SPOILED KID

A frustrated mom writes, "I have a 17 year old daughter who is every parent's dream in most ways, but her spoiled attitude makes it hard to enjoy the better part of her.

She excels in sports and all the coaches fight over who gets her, and the one that does makes her captain of the team. She is an A-B student. All [the] teachers just adore her, although a few of them have commented on her attitude. She's wise beyond her years and often her peers come to her for advice. She has never done drugs and she's still a virgin.

Sounds wonderful, right? Her downside is she is so spoiled that she orders everyone around [and demands] how things will be. She goes nuts if we deny her money when she asks for it, and even though her car is in beautiful condition, she prefers to drive my SUV because of the image things. She's all about image. I had her drive it in the snowy winter, for safety reasons. But when I told her I needed to swap cars for a few days, she started crying, saying she can't drive her car to school because of her image. I'm a strict parent, and when she pulled that I decided to keep my SUV for even longer, hoping to open her eyes that she should be very grateful for what she has. Her grandmother just reinforces her entitled attitude, though, smirking at her car and saying it's "okay", but not quite up to the standard she thinks her granddaughter deserves. Her grandmother also complains in my daughter's defense whenever she is denied something.

I know anyone close to the situation cannot get their point across, so I thought if you could give your opinion about her attitude, and I will show it to her and her grandmother, to show them it isn't just us being mean or unreasonable, but giving reasonable boundaries that need to be followed. At this point, we are at such war with each other, I'm afraid it will tear apart this whole family--"Unhappy Mom"

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Dear Unhappy,

I hate to disappoint you, but the kid won't care what I think. It sounds as if you're raising a bright, determined girl and you have my condolences. All I can recommend is that you need to give her less and make her earn more...and that you accept that parenting isn't a popularity contest. She won't like it and she won't like you. At least, not now.

Grandma is another situation. Many view grandparenting as having the right to spoil the heck out of grandparents. They think the parents have to be the mean ones, as they probably were. I don't agree with this position, but it's pretty wide-spread. Grandparents care about the welfare of their grandchildren and it's not in any child's best interest to be so spoiled and entitled that their teachers comment on it.

You need to accept that your daughter's going to hate all this and hate you, too. We hope she outgrows this and comes to realize that you're acting in her best interests. Most kids do, but the process is truly a painful part of parenting.

BTW, drive the SUV yourself. The kid needs to learn how to handle a car in the snow anyway.

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Look around, more and more of us are struggling with feeling unsafe. We don't believe we have the capacity to protect ourselves, whether this involves good relationship decisions or some sort of national disaster. We drive large SUVs, even when we usually drive alone, thinking the larger vehicle protects us.

More people are dealing with Panic Disorders and we forget that we generally know how to care for ourselves way better than we think. There is no way to avoid the challenges of this world, but you're better equipped to handle these than you feel.

LETTING GO OF THE KID

At the risk of being called a hypocrite, I'm advocating allowing your kids to make their own lives. Lots of high school students are furiously writing college entrance essays and making themselves sick, worrying about what they'll do now that they're entering adulthood. Then there are the slackers who seem more interested in partying and going to school football games than college--the ones whose parents have to stay on them to even get the kids to go to school.

Either way, you've got to let your kids go.

You have to find a mid-range zone that conveys love and emotional support--maybe financial support while they're actually going to college--without sliding into an over-involvement that earns you the scornful term of "helicopter parent." This mid-range area is dicey and slippery and really hard to maintain (voice of experience). You don't get to tell them how to dress or what jobs they should go after or who to date. They need to find all this out themselves.

Your kids have the right to live the lives they choose. This can be a painful and scary reality, even more so when some people persist in thinking parenting equals outcome. It doesn't. Kids have choice, no matter what kind of parent you've been. They get to be healthy or unhealthy, law abiding or not. That's what this country is about, right? Having a choice. While many of us struggle with this when it comes to our kids, this freedom applies to them, too.

I mention the hypocrite thing because my husband commented the other day that we've participated in eight different moves on our children's part (admittedly him more than me). And my daughters are both still in school, pursuing advanced degrees, so they'll have more moves to go before they're settled. Roger says he's not too sure how many moves he has left in him, but they'll need him and he'll go.

That's the bottom line--when you love the kids, you go. The complicated part is in deciding when it's important for the child to make her own way. When to step back and let the consequences fall. When is it more loving to believe in her? To believe she can make it on her own, even if she is struggling.

There will be times you bite your tongue and don't comment. You've had practice in this. All through adolescence, your kids tried on different behaviors like different hairstyles and, while some work, others didn't.

The older the child gets, the less place there is for your comments. (yes, even if she gets a nose ring.)

One of the biggest challenges in parenting is allowing your children to experience the consequences of their own choices. How do any of us learn, if we don't see the results of our actions?

So, you need to let go of your kid...gradually. This is like when you were teaching your child to ride a bike. You ran alongside, balancing the child while she peddled furiously. Then, when she had the hang of it, you took your hand off and stood, watching her ride away.

These are the bittersweet moments, particularly when the child realizes you're not balancing her anymore and she falls over, startled and scared to be on her own. Lots of parents cavil at this, commenting that their children aren't acting like adults. Still, you have to butt out and let them have the consequences of their choices.

This is what life is about. We parents shelter them from the cold, feed them when they're young and help them learn how to make it without us...because they need this. They need to be okay without us. They need to grow up because we're not going to always be here.

Lots of people say these things about "responsibility" to their children--sometimes over and over until the kid starts mockingly mouthing the words behind their parents' back when they're speaking--but the hard part is following through and actually taking your hand off the bike.

ONLY MY FAILURES

I'm going to be really honest here about a painful subject...my kids mostly just remember my parenting failures. The moments when I screwed up.

This sucks the big one, but they remember the time when I went all crazy yelling at them--never mind that the yelling moments haven't been all that frequent. They remember the moments their father and I were "over-protective" and didn't send them off happily to concerts with a bunch of other teens when they were still in high school. They remember us going all nutso at a really rough moment in the teen years, when some scary stuff was happening. One of my daughters has talked with some bitterness about having had to work to earn half the money for her first car and having to earn a scholarship to pay her way through a private college.

Yes, the nutso part was regrettable...even though the kid in question was making big, bad choices.

There's no doubt that I screw up sometimes. I say too much and comment on their relationships when I shouldn't, get annoyed when they don't change the empty toilet paper roll (never!) or forget to put away the mayonaise after making a sandwich and I make snide, "joking" comments about these things (which never helps them change, BTW).

I sometimes harbor bitter feelings that 1.) Even though their father and I have been coupled (not in a perfect marriage, but enjoying one that's mostly functional and happy) for over thirty years...and 2.) We're in the relationship business, they don't want to talk with us about their relationships. Not until these relationships are over and they need comfort, do they talk about their partnerships. And even then, we're not supposed to talk about the actual relationship, just make supportive I believe in you statements.

When I'm dwelling on this, though, I have to remind myself that parenting isn't about getting them to like me. It's not even about the outcome--whether they choose to be Mother Teresa or a drug dealer--which is a big misconception. We tend to measure parental success by whether our kids win awards or have big careers or have marriages that seem happy, which is a huge mistake.

We want to preen ourselves over our kids achievements and kick ourselves when our kids make bad decisions, but this isn't actually our call. They have brain cells and they get to choose how they live their lives. Whether I've been a good or a bad parent is actually about my choices, my actions and behavior, not about how my kids live. I get no credit for their successes or their failures. Instead, I need to measure my success as a parent by the kind of parent I've been. If I've cared for them, been supportive and helped them grow...loved them in the truest sense of the word...then I can claim success in being a parent. I've done my part, given my heart and placed them consistently at the top of my list.

Parenting has involved years of trying to figure out how to best respond to a wide variety of challenges, from their not sleeping as infants to their middle school social issues to their teenage angsts.

Still, I need to maintain perspective. When I'm annoyed with their questionable relationship choices or their general clutter, I remind myself that they're doing pretty good, overall. I'd definitely rather they stay in school, than have clean closets. Much, much rather this, although I really like clean closets.

Never let yourself think that having children is just a fluffy, cuddly Mother's-Day/Father's-Day card kind of thing. Yes, it's nice when you get those kinds of cards. Nice when you get a shout-out, an "I love you, Mom" from a televised child of yours. But that's not what this job is about.

The painful truth is that if your kid likes you all the time, you're not doing your job.

Like love, parenting is about doing what's best for the other person.... Sometimes, this is really, really hard.

BULLYING...DO YOU CARE TOO MUCH?

Ask any teacher and they'll tell you that bullying is a growing problem in the school, so yes, you care. You don't want your kid picked on or harrassed. But bullying by definition refers to any overbearing person who intimidates individuals who are weaker or smaller.... This could describe your boss.

Individuals who use power to intimidate others exist through all age groups and in lots of different situations. If you're being bullied by a boss or superior of some sort--even teachers bully sometimes--your situation is complicated because you need something from this person. Continued employment or a grade to pass the course. These are situations in which you need careful consideration to choose your best response. You'll need to keep track of these events for a while, writing the incidents down, recording these with details that might validate them.

You can then resort to any recourse that is set up in the system--talk to your boss's boss or the school's hierarchy. These aren't great answers, but they can sometimes help.

If children are involved in this behavior, you as the adult should definitely talk to teachers and administration about protecting the bullied. This is their job and most are very, very concerned. They want to do everything they can to make sure students are safe and not traumatized.

I'm actually addressing this subject at the request of a teacher.

Bullying, however, by nature requires a smaller, weaker person. Because we are aware more of this problem, rules and statutes are being put into place that help rein in the bigger, meaner person. Still, it's important for the victim to realize the weak can work at being stronger. Learning to respond to this kind of thing successfully is an important part of life. Bullys tend to pick on those who have weak, victimized self-images. You can change this.

Don't think I'm blaming the victim, though. The person who terrorizes others is making choices. They get to be responsible for this.

In schools, particularly, individuals are bullied by reputation assault and this is fueled largely because kids and adolescents care a bunch about what others think of them. Kind of natural to the adolescent age group, but certainly not limited to them. Concern for others' opinion is a human thing. We want people to think well of us, but if we care too much about this and let our desire to be liked hold too much sway, we actually lose power. We give power away by letting the opinions of a sometimes select group, control our actions.

Any number of kids can tell of threatened reputation assault that they just walked away from. The most powerful action in this kind of situation may be a laugh--it has to be real enough to be convincing. If the intended victim doesn't give a flip what the bully plans to do, nothing really touches them.

In the case of physical assault or attack, of course, the strongest immediate response is recommended. TELL. Report this immediately. Don't hesistate or think this means you're weak. Don't tell yourself you can make friends with your tormentor. Report it.

Bullying is usually about wanting someone to like you or caring too much about them disliking you. Cases of individuals responding to this by killing themselves have hit the media repeatedly. After these tragedies, people are struck by how much the victim gave power to the bully. Even if bad things are posted on FaceBook and MySpace. Even if cyber-space is used in mean and hurtful ways, try to remember that this is just one reality...and it's not even the reality reality.

Life will go on and kids grow up to leave their youthful trauma-filled school days behind. You don't have to remain a victim...you need to care less.

TOO FRIENDLY WITH HER EX?

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year now. She's been divorced for three years and I'm the first person she dated. She has three kids--ages 10, 8 and 6. Her ex is very much a part of the kids' lives, which is great. He gets the kids every other weekend. ...Since he doesn't have any family here, she invites him to all their family holidays and birthdays,...not just for the kids' birthday parties, but also hers and her brothers. Now, all this I can handle. [It's] a little weird, but whatever.

I met her kids five or six months after we started dating. Over time, I've started being around them more. ...Her daughter asked me if I was going to a fall festival with them. I said I hadn't been invited, but she then said her father was going. I later found out that my girlfriend's ex stays at her place on Christmas Eve so he can be there in the morning when they wake up. He only lives fifteen minutes away. I wasn't happy about all this, but didn't say anything.

My girlfriend has invited me to go skiing with her and her family this winter. It turns out that her ex is going, too, and has even been the one booking the rooms. My girlfriend didn't talk to me about this. I was talking to her dad and he mentioned it. I've talked with her about this, mentioning that it's a difficult situation [for me]. My biggest problem is that she doesn't see why I get upset and she won't even try to understand where I'm coming from.

Now, we don't display much affection to each other. Maybe a hug goodbye. Her middle daughter has made comments that she doesn't like me near her mom because I'm not her dad. I understand that it's natural for kids to want their parents to be together, but isn't all this kind of confusing to the kids?--Dating Her and Her Ex

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Dear Dating,

Sounds like you're confused about her feelings, too.

Yes, I think exs spending holidays together, going on vacations together and acting like friends can be confusing to kids, although this is better than them having a hostile relationship. The bigger issue here, however, is that you're not sure of your position with your girlfriend. If she won't clear this up for you, the two of you don't have much future. Whether or not the ex is around, you need to be first in her affections or get gone.

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My sister, who is 15 years older than me, has become a burden and I'm beginning to resent her. She's been a tremendous help to me, so needless to say, I'm feeling very guilty. She's a very passive-aggressive person and has made choices in her life that have led to her being completely alone with no husband, no kids and no friends.

Seventeen years ago, when my husband and I wanted to buy a house, we asked my sister to go in [with us] on the purchase of our house. We needed help and she had some money she wanted to invest. We also thought it was time she moved out of my parents' house. When we first entered into this agreement, it was fine. She was pretty active and took trips by herself or with my daughter. As the years have gone on, she has become a recluse. She doesn't go anywhere (except work) or do anything. She has started to insinuate herself into our lives. In February, she was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. She lost her job and now just sits in our family room for ten hours a day, watching television.

...When her disease progresses, we will have to discuss her going to a facility as our house is not conducive to having someone disabled living here. Here's the thing, ...when we entered into this agreement, we didn't expect this is how it would turn out... My husband and I have been married for almost 19 years and have never been alone in our home. I feel she expects me to take care of her, but it's not in my make-up to do that. Financially, it's out of the realm of possibility. I can't quit my job or take a leave for this.

I'm torn...I don't know how to handle this. I'm in the middle. My siblings are all older than me, the youngest. They know of her situation and her illness, but they don't get involved at all. They haven't even picked up the phone to see how she's doing. In three to five years, my husband will be retiring and we want to sell the house. At this time, my sister will need to make other arrangements, but how do I tell her without sounding like an awful person? My husband and I are looking forward to finally having some alone-time in our marriage. Please help!!! How do I handle this situation?"--Miserable in California

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Dear Miserable,

Here's what you do--sell the house and split the proceeds with your sister, according to the percent she invested. You mentioned her investing in your home. Investments yield dividends. You may not make money on the sale of the house, but whatever you get should be split with your sister, if this was really an investment for her.

If she gave you the money for the house with the understanding that you'd take care of her the rest of her life, your changing your mind will understandably be upsetting to her.

I get that you don't want to sound awful when you talk to her, but don't expect her to be happy about any of this. When you and your husband took her money and cohabited with her for all these years, some assumptions were made--even if you had no clear agreement to care for her--and these persist now. She sees herself as part of your household (she has been) and expects to be cared for as such.

You speak about this being "your home", but it's her home, too. Both legally and emotionally.

What you're doing now, is planning to end a partnership. Don't expect her to be happy about this, particularly not with her disease limiting her health. You certainly have a right not to be her caretaker--not everyone is cut out for this. But you need to get clear about the finances. Sell the house and let her use the funds to provide for herself.

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Transitions can be really, really scary, even if these are long planned for and dreamed of. Kids graduating from high school and heading off to college can be totally freaked out, even though they're eager to finish high school and get out on their own. Just think about all the transitions in your life. Even the birth of a baby who's conception was a dream can leave the parents with depression and anxiety. It's a big, dang change.

But change can be exciting and scary. Recognizing these emotions as natural can help you progress forward. Going from kid-focused to kid-free when the children move away from home has long been recognized as potentially traumatizing for parents--it's even got a cute name, the Empty Nest Syndrome. Lots of anxiety and depression comes with the change for some people, but they want their kids to move forward and are looking ahead to a less care-giving life themselves.

Those who marry, those who divorce. Even when the death of an elderly, infirm parent can leave you dealing with many emotions. You may be relieved that your loved one is out of pain, but suddenly you're an orphan.

It's important to recognize that transitions bring lots of emotions and they don't all feel good. The kid going off to college or moving out on his own may worry about making it as an adult. Grown-ups who've been very child-focused may not know what to do with their extra time when there's no kid at home anymore.

Transitions can be both good and bad. Sometimes they feel both ways. Give yourself some time...and if the bad feelings continue, talk to a therapist. Some roads are rough and it's nice to have someone along for the ride.

IT'S NOT ABOUT HER.....

"I've been with this guy for twelve years. We have two kids together and one on the way. For the past two years, we've been having problems, mostly financial and dealing with me going to school. Once I got into school and started meeting people to study with or get help with my homework, he felt left out and he's been seeing another woman. When I found out, I started hanging more with my guy friends. He was then mad and jealous and wanted us to work things out. His other woman, though, has never left the picture.

I feel like she's doing this because she's not used to being rejected. Both he and I have told her we're going to work on us. I texted her, telling her she can't call me, telling her I'm having his baby and, even lying and saying we're getting married.

This man has never left the house and I know we were both wrong, but how can we get past all this and move on? Is it just lost and I should just walk away?

We still have the best time together. He's with me every day. He cries and is hurt when I say maybe me and the kids should just disappear. He then goes into a depression, not talking and sleeping all day for two or three days. Now, the other woman is supposed to be having his baby. She doesn't seem to care that he doesn't love her. If he did, why is he here with me and not taking care of her? I don't know if this is a game to her or what. I'm so mixed up and have so many emotions. I feel lost and helpless to figure out what's right and wrong. Do I follow my heart or do I follow my mind? I know you have a lot to do, but I really need some advice."--Lost in Love

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Dear Lost,

What's your mind telling you? Do you think you ought to leave him, but you're worried about what his depressed self will do? The problem here isn't the other woman, it's the relationship you have (or don't have) with the father of your children. He may be hanging around you now, and having the best time with you, but not so long ago he was boinking and impregnating another woman. And he was doing this because he felt left out that you were going to school and spending time studying?

When he first stepped out on you, you went the tit for tat route and started hanging out with other guys. Very understandable, but it doesn't solve any problems. You say that the other woman doesn't handle rejection well, but I'm not clear on whether or not he's actually told her to take a hike.

Maybe he hasn't rejected her, at all. On top of that, she's now supposed to be pregnant with his child. (That makes four kids. Someone needs to introduce this guy to a condom.) And he's all depressed because he may lose the woman he cheated on? Never mind the other woman who's also now pregnant with his child.

Also, why would you take this guy's kids and disappear? This sounds a little like you're threatening him. Both the kids and their dad deserve the opportunity to have a relationship, even if he is a cheating jerk. If the other woman is actually pregnant, her child deserves a relationship and financial support from his father (No wonder the guy is depressed.)

You and your boyfriend can't just resume the relationship you had before he cheated. There were problems and these haven't been addressed. No one cheats in a happy relationship. You may have affection for him still, but he's got a mess to clean up before you can even think about putting things back together between the two of you. Healing after infidelity is possible, but only if you actually deal with the problems you had before he decided to have sex with the other woman.

Then, you have to decide if you want to stick with a guy who now has a responsibility for another woman's child, as well as your three. If ever there was a time to use your brain, rather than your heart, this is it. You may love him and care for him, but that doesn't fit with just ignoring the things he's done or the issues between you. Love actually encourages the loved one to deal with their issues, not just hope they go away.

In my book, Should I Leave Him? specific suggestions are offered to help individuals deal with this kind of dilemma.

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If you've been the victim of sexual or physical abuse, the hardest and most important thing to do is to Forgive Yourself. Victims tend to be acutely conscious of what they've done to deserve their abuse. Those on the outside know that nothing you've ever done means you deserved this. Nothing. But this is very hard for victims to accept.

Young children naturally see the world from their own limited viewpoint and they think this must have happened to them because of something they did. Even young kids worry about having somehow been provocative. We all want power in own lives. This is natural, but sometimes random crap happens. Things you didn't ask for.

Whether you were abused as a child or assaulted in a date rape, you didn't deserve this. No matter what. No matter how sexy you dressed or acted, you still get to choose when you have sex and young children don't have the emotional or mental capacity to make this choice. Forgiving yourself can be the hardest step in the recovery process.

You deserve better than this. Better than being assaulted, better than being abused. No matter how lame you might be or what mistakes you may have made, you didn't deserve this.

YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN DEPRESSION

"I'm barely 20 years old, and I feel like the last seven years of my life have been dedicated to depression and other issues. My life is a huge cycle of eating disorders, drugs, depression and finally a period of carelessness. I feel like lately I've dug myself even deeper into this hole, and I can't pretend anymore. I literally have to excuse myself at times because I get a random need to cry and it's impossible for me to hold back my tears.

My feelings used to involve anger and, like I mentioned at some point, pure carelessness, but lately I feel absolutely nothing, but sadness. Suicide has never crossed my mind. My sister has attempted it in the past and I just couldn't put my family through that again. No one knows about my problems, or at least no one has ever really said anything. But I can't keep hiding, not do I want to. I can't continue to live my life in the dark. What can I do to help myself?"--Sad and Scared

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Dear Sad,

Okay, this may seem like the wrong question, but why are you hiding this from your family? I don't want you to continue this way, either. You deserve much, much better. You may be an adult now--just having turned twenty--but you've been dealing with this alone for seven years? You talk about not wanting to put your family through the trauma associated with a child attempting suicide and I'm all for you not attempting to hurt yourself further, but why has no one noticed the eating disorders, the drugs and depression.

You need to get a big sign and wave it in front of your parents--I Need Help!!

Sometimes kids keep their problems a secret because they think their parents don't care, but more often kids hide their own stresses because they think parents are already overwhelmed with their own issues. If this is the case, you might feel you need to find help on your own. You might even be trying to carry the load for your troubled sister or your parents. Either way, you need and deserve someone to help you.

If you're insured, find your list of covered providers and immediately start calling for an appointment. The holidays are fraught with people desperately trying to feel what they don't feel. They cancel appointments with therapists or call with great unhappiness. This is the moment for you to make an appointment. If you don't have insurance, many caring providers and agencies offer a sliding scale fee that's adjusted to your income.

Don't wait any longer. Don't tell yourself to just "get over it". You don't have to feel this way. Find a therapist to understand your feelings and help you find ways to crawl out of this nightmare.

#

This is the time of year when Guilt is mixed in with the gift-giving and party-going. Whether you feel you should (but don't) like relatives because they share the same blood or whether you tend to buy expensive gifts because you feel you ought, guilt is not a good enough reason to do any of this.

The holidays come with high expectations. You may feel pressured to make others happy or to act happy when you're not or to hang around people you really don't like. You may even feel relieved when January second rolls around because then, at least, you don't have to pretend affections you don't feel.

Others may have called you a Scrooge...you may fear that you are one.

I'm going to suggest something really shocking--don't spend time with people you don't like, even if your parents or siblings fit this description. Don't buy gifts for people you don't like (unless this will have major job consequences that you're not ready for). Don't go places you don't want to go, celebrate with people you don't care about or pretend feelings you don't have.

If anything, this season is supposed to be about honesty.

Be with those you love. Guilt isn't a good enough reason to spend your life hating your life.