GIRLFRIEND'S DIRTY KIDS

"I need some advice about issues with by girlfriend's children that are 16, 19 & 20 and her mother, who lives with us. I find that the children and mother-in-law are lazy and I am constantly having to clean up after them with many issues, such as towels left on counters, and mostly dishes. Many times I have cleaned a sink full of dishes and the kitchen, just to go back to the kitchen an hour later and find that the kids have finally brought dirty dishes from their rooms and just left them in the sink. I have asked them repeatedly to put their dishes in the dishwasher, just to hear them say that that this isn't their chore and that if we wanted them to do that, we need to pay them chore money.

Am I being too picky, asking them to clean up after themselves? This is what my girlfriend and her mother tell me?--PK

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Dear PK,

Nope, you're not being too picky, but clearly your asking the kids to change their ways isn't helping. Who will clean up after them when they move out on their own? Two are already legally adults and the third is so close to adult that she'd be tried as one if she committed a major crime.

You're in a tough spot, though, and the biggest problem isn't with your girlfriend's kids, it's with you and her.

I'm going to guess that you love your girlfriend or you wouldn't continue living in such an uncongenial state, but the two of you really need to start addressing some of the problems within the home. You obviously don't have a clear understanding of the structure in the home and haven't decided who is responsible for what.

There may be things you didn't mention--like you possibly being unemployed while she, her mother and the kids are all working outside the home. In that case, the employed mate sometimes feels the unemployed mate should pick up the slack at home. But this may not be the case at all. Regardless of other factors, you and the girlfriend as the adults in the home--mother-in-law aside--are the foundation of this blended family. If you work together, you'll have a much more harmonious home. If not, you get conflict like the one you're having.

Housework--who does it, when it's done and how clean a home is kept--is one of the biggest conflicts couples face. This is a bigger deal than most people feel like it should be, but many relationship issues come into play here. You need to have a serious discussion about how you want the home kept. Don't always assume everyone feels the same about cleanliness as you. There's a huge range. Some highly intelligent people just don't care. They do their laundry when they run out of socks and underwear, not before. They wash dishes when there's nothing clean left to use. Others are appalled by this, feeling dishes should be cleaned immediately after use and laundry done on a regular schedule.

You and your girlfriend need first to talk about and resolve how you want to keep your environment. I like making my bed; my husband doesn't care. Not everyone feels the same. Then when this is worked out, you need to deal with the issue of who does what. Some people are used to cleaning up after their children; others give the kids extensive chores.

In this case, your girlfriend might want to ask herself if she's really being a helpful parent. I believe that allowing young adults to maintain irresponsible, self-defeating behaviors is the opposite of love. Your girlfriend isn't doing her kids any favor by continuing to pick up after them. Real life doesn't usually provide maid service and they'll find this out soon enough.

* * *

When one of my daughters started her medical degree, she lived with her dad and I, just having left a relationship. Medical school is incredibly difficult, requiring a huge amount of study and effort. So caring for regular life chores fell on our shoulders. We cleaned up after her kitten, did the grocery shopping and took care of her laundry as well as ours.

She was starting medical school, for heaven's sake.

But then after six months or so under our roof, she found a roommate with a small house close to the school and she moved out. We missed her and worried that she'd have too much on her plate, but in reality, the girl needs to do her own laundry. There's something empowering about maintaining the regular rhythms of life whether it's laundry, filling your car's tank with gas or buying groceries.

In truth, we parents sometimes just want to be helpful. Yes, kids are sometimes frustrating, annoying jerks, but most parents have no problem going out of their way to assist their kids in being more successful. It's what we want. We just need to realize that in addition to creating friendships and dating relationships, taking care of themselves is part of kids learning to be an adult.

It's important that children believe in their own capacity. They need to know they can work through issues and deal with the tough stuff that comes their way. Don't get me wrong, parents are still really, really important. Recently my daughter told me in a matter-of-fact voice that her dad is absolutely the best dad ever. And he is. He fills her car's tank with gas and gets the oil changed when it's due. He takes walks with her when she comes over, asks about her studies and always is interested in what she's doing. When she had her first fender-bender a year of so ago, we both rushed to the spot in response to her call.

We love her enough to know she needs to make her way in the world, though, and to be sure of her own strength. You don't get that by someone else always doing things for you.

CONVENIENCE STORE COMFORT

A client of mine recently spoke about his depression and his tendency to isolate himself. The one thing he did regularly was to visit a convenience store near his home. He liked to go there and get a drink, talk to the clerks and, in that way, get out of himself and his dark moments for just a little.

In a world with troubled, flawed relationship interactions, our brief personal contacts gain an even greater value. We human beings are very impacted by small moments. A study of this years ago had librarians make fleeting physical contact with some patrons--a brief tough of fingers when books were passed back and forth--and then these library patrons were interviewed as they exited the building. Those in the group that were briefly touched by the librarians had a significantly higher opinion of the library services. The only difference in the groups studied was that touch.

We crave and value human contact, both physical and social. We also struggle with this very thing. Relationships can be conflicted and unpleasant, but we need them, of some sort.

It is central to human nature--many many studies confirm this--to feel better, to value life more, to be more optimistic, when we have some level of positive interactions with other human beings. This can be seen in the large number of ways we seek involvement with people from the vast numbers of singles looking for relationships on dating websites, to the rallying behind winning sports teams, the involvement in clubs focusing on various hobbies and activities, the flourishing of social interaction on Facebook(and similar sites) and even in the tendency some have to engage in random sexual contact through sex clubs.

We all want to be significant to someone, to be winners, to feel we're not alone.

Recognize this about yourself and learn to satisfy your own needs in ways that fit your lifestyle and values. Even self-help groups like AA have a big social component. The thinking behind this is that individuals helping individuals can ease the struggles of all. Reaching out to other people helps us feel better.

This can become burdensome when we struggle to craft a social interaction that fits our needs. You might start this off by recognizing the interactions you do have. Even as small an interchange as smiling as you pass by others can lift your spirits and bring you positive social response. The smiling thing is way bigger than you may think. In general, we rush along tending to the business of our lives and fail to even acknowledge those around us. Strangers in large cities may have learned not to respond to random folk, but being nice to a store clerk or a waiter isn't likely to draw you into an unwanted interaction.

Look at the people around you. They need interaction, too. Like you, they are hesitant to initiate what may be unwelcome notice, but this is a risk that can bring big rewards. Try it out. You can start in the most innocuous ways...just smile. Make the slightest of contacts with the person who gives you your change. You're not demanding anything, just offering. Not everyone will respond. Some are too caught up in their own lives and we don't need to condemn them. But others will smile back or thank you more warmly for your business.

Let yourself be a gift to the people who come into contact with you. You'll benefit, too.

STEP-MOM 911

"I am a step-mom. My husband and I got married 1 1/2 years ago and I don't have any kids of my own, nor do I plan on having any. I really like and love my step-kids. I formed a healthy bond with them when we dated for over a year. I consider us friend and I do 'step-mom' things like cook dinner, take them to social events and school, do fun things together, talk, laugh and listen. All that and this is still a very difficult role. My husband and his ex- have been divorced for about eight or nine years. The kids were very young. The divorce was extremely high conflict and very expensive for my husband. There is still tons of dislike between them and there has never been any co-parenting on their parts.

My husband is a "fun dad". The kids adore him. They've never had chores and never picked up after themselves. At least, not at their dad's, but they do at their mom's house. He worries so much about them not wanting to come to our house (for no reason except is is a looming possibility in his mind that could lead to more court dates and more $$).

Recently, my 11 year old step-daughter has decided she can't go to sleep alone. She cries and comes in our bedroom over and over again throughout the night, waking us up. Sometimes my husband will read her to sleep, then fall asleep in her bed. He wakes up in the middle of the night and comes back to our bed. It makes for very interrupted sleep for us both. This is happening on a regular basis and is making for some tired, grumpy adults. We both need sleep!!!

We don't talk about it because my husband doesn't "know how much it will help." I say we have to talk about this. Otherwise, too much resentment builds up. His daughter and her mom sleep together every night when she is with her mom and that just makes it more difficult at our house.

I feel very powerless. I know the step-parent role is more supportive than anything else, but when my husband constantly tries to please and entertain the kids the entire time they are with us, what am I supposed to do? Everything is on hold when the kids are with us. We have to find a way to balance happy kids with a happy marriage."

#

Dear Powerless,

As you know, the problem here starts with your husband and you. His daughter is struggling to cope with very different parenting situations and she's getting the raw end of this deal--as are you.

First off, dad needs to realize that structure, expectations and consequences help kids feel safe with you. If he's so focused on entertaining them, he's not giving them a strong, safe haven--they don't feel secure and this is contributing to your step-daughter's anxiety issues. Dad needs to help his children get ready for life (and worry less about his bank balance). Kids need to participate in household chores because they're part of the household. This is part of self-confidence and will help them move forward into a strong adulthood.

But you know a lot of this. You just can't get your husband to see it. Since he won't even talk with you about this issue, I recommend you go to therapy yourself, inviting your husband to come with you, if he will. The longer you let this relationship disconnect continue, the more like the marriage will develop even larger problems.

BTW, a good therapist can also help your step-daughter deal with her fears. She needs someone objective on her side.

* * *

Children need both power and security. They deserve both. This means they need the security that comes through consistency and follow-through. Even if they don't like you insisting they follow certain rules, your doing so helps them to feel than can rely on you. You're strong enough to stand up to them, so you're probably strong enough to protect them.

Parents who are weenies with their kids and never want to be the bad guy just conveys to the kids that they're basically alone--as small as they are--in a big world. Heck, if you can't stand up to your child, you don't seem like you're very tough.

In addition to the safety of having a reliable, consistent system in the home, kids need to experience their own personal power. They need some--not all, but some--things they get to decide about. When my younger daughter was six, she put her hand on her hip and ask why I cared about whether she picked up her room--it was her room. I know from having talked to a lot of parents that this is one area they feel they should have the right to be the most powerful, but what the kid said made sense to me. It was her room.

From that day forward we instituted another system--she was to keep her stuff out of the public areas(living room, kitchen, shared bathroom) because the rest of the family lived there, but she could keep her own room any way she wanted (Power!) The only stipulation on this was that there was to be no food in her room as that would attract bugs which would effect the rest of us.

The kid was absolutely right. I didn't live in her room, she did. Why did she have to keep it to my specifications? For eight long years, her room was hugely messy. I'm talking shoes and clothes on the floor. Piles of them. I never cleaned it up or insisted she do so. I also never went into the mess, looking for what she lost--if she wanted to live that way, she had to deal with losing things.

When she was fourteen, though, I came home to find her room spotless. She was going off to high school and she felt the need to organize her life some. Good for her.

I don't advocate letting kids run your life or even their own lives. Although we allowed her to keep her room the way she wanted, we followed through consistently with other issues. When she was doing Vision Therapy to deal with an inherited tendency toward dyslexia, I enforced her doing those activities like I was a Nazi. Her learning to read was a way bigger deal than whether her room was clean.

To this day, sometimes she's messy. I don't really care. She's not messing up my home and she's reaching an even bigger goal--she's in medical school.

I strongly advocate that we let our kids find and maintain their own personal power. This can be done without compromising their health or their welfare and it's massively important to help them realize their own strength.

RELATIONSHIP BENEFITS

Many studies report that having relationships helps your health, but they do more than that if you're working it right.

Relationships, however, can also help us be better people. Our interactions with others can be irritating, annoying--even maddening--but our closest relationships can also be very fulfilling and highly educational. We learn the most in relationships. I've long held that the hardest things we do on this earth are parenting and intimate relationships. More than brain surgery and rocket science. Not everyone chooses to parent(absolutely their choice), but most people engage in some kind of intimacy with a significant other.

We are at our best and our worst with those closest to us and this makes these intimate interactions frequently complicated. Anyone who says relationships are simple, aren't paying attention.

In order to gain from our relationships, however, we have to let go of the desire to always be right. No one is always right. As a matter of fact, this isn't even the most important issue. We need to be able to express our experiences and feelings to our loved ones and to hear what they feel, as well.

The "Right-ness" of the conflicts between you falls somewhere between you and him. We all have valid perspectives. Too often though, it seems as if the other person being right means you're "wrong", which feels bad. No one wants to be somewhere they're always wrong. Remember that when you're fighting with your mate, trying to be right more than he is. If you're right all the time, then he's wrong all the time. This just feels bad. Not only will he feel misunderstood, but he won't want to be with you.

Who wants to be wrong all the time?

When you listen to your mate's perspective, you'll hear some things you don't like. This is unavoidable. Hopefully, your mate won't come at you with a judgemental "you suck" approach, but he's bound to see some things and some interactions differently than do you. He won't like some of the things you do or don't do and he'll feel hurt sometimes. But you still need to hear him.

The challenging part about communication in relationship is tuning into the other person's reality without completely denying your own.

You're feelings and perspective matters, too. What you experience, what you feel--these are very important things. Letting go of an absolute right/wrong perspective helps us to understand the other guy's experience. Everybody has some valid points. The secret here is that understanding leads to openness, which is therapy-speak for "he's more likely to hear you if he feels you hear him."

Early in my own marriage, my husband told me that when we fought he felt like he had a Civil War cannon and I had a machine gun. This wasn't easy to hear, but it was very, very important. The guy felt seriously out-gunned every time we talked about anything important. He felt like I wasn't listening and that he couldn't win. This wasn't at all what I wanted, so I learned to talk slower and I try to listen to what he's saying, even if I don't like it.

When you're listening to your partner's take on things, he'll make observations about your behavior and some of the things he says will upset you. You will have a powerful urge to deny this--He's wrong! You never did those things! You certainly never meant the things he says you probably meant! Think about it, though. How do you feel when you have stuff to say to him? You want him to listen to what you're saying, not tell you all the reasons you're wrong. His defensiveness signals to you that he's not listening. This is undoubtedly not what he's trying to convey, but he feels attacked by your observations(accurate though they may be) and he's trying to "explain" them away. His trying to explain just lead to you not feeling listened to.

So, don't defend yourself or explain when he's talking to you. This is really tough, but it's really, really important. You probably need to take a serious look at what he's saying about your behavior. This is one of the major benefits of relationships--they help us learn to be better people.

IN-LAW DRAMA

"How do you deal with in-laws who don't like you? My boyfriend 'John' and I have been together for 37 years on and off and have been living together for 20 years. I have done nothing to my in-laws in the past to make them dislike me. I am 11 years younger than my boyfriend and in the beginning he was nice enough to pay for several semesters of my college. They think I'm with him for his money, but he really doesn't have much. I could work and easily support myself, but that doesn't impress them.

John is diabetic and they say I don't do enough for him.... He is also handicapped and I do try to assist him, but when I reach to him, they jump on me telling me that he can do it himself. When I don't try to help him, they step in and help him themselves. Seems I can't win.

His younger sister recently came for a visit from out-of-state. She would not stay at our house and she invited him out for lunch or dinner, telling him I was not invited.

I've had words with his brother and his other sister about his diabetes care. Although he blood sugar is still not where his doctors suggest, I have been doing all I can, making his meals sugar-free and keeping starches at a minimum. John says to ignore his family, that I can't change how they are, but with his diabetes getting worse, I could use their help.

I feel shaky after we had words with his brother and sister. Earlier in the month, a friend of mine committed suicide and I was laid-off in August. My dog of fifteen years won't be with us for much longer, either, and this family stuff adds to the problems. I feel sick all the time and I've lost my appetite.

John has been good to me, supporting me and even told his brother to leave our house when he insulted me. I think his mom liked me (but who knows what she said when not in my presence). We were all getting along pretty well before she passed away. Now it seems their attention has turned to my boyfriend, like they need to take care of him now that his mom is gone. It's like I don't exist. Please tell me how to cope."--N.

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Dear N,
My condolences on the loss of John's mother and the death of your friend. John's family is struggling and grieving and behaving really badly toward you. Even if they don't like you much, John's relationship choices are his own. After all this time, it's not likely that they can make you go away. They need to butt out.

You're right, you can't win, so let it go. You can't make people like you. You've tried with no luck.
If John's diabetes gets worse, let him ask his siblings for assistance. This isn't your job. Focus on living your life with John. His supporting you in the face of his siblings' bad behavior is golden.

* * *

Lots of people are anxious--about money, job loss, terrorist plots. Anxiety disorders are on the increase with as many as 40 million people reporting anxiety issues. These can be intense and debilitating and range from a generalized on-going fear of bad things happening to full blown panic attacks that send you to the emergency room, feeling like you're having a heart attack.

There's no question that our world faces many issues and that disasters, both natural and man-made, are disturbing our lives.

The real trouble comes in, however, when you face a "normal" day and yet nothing feels normal. You can have these fears and anxieties with no apparent threat and that's even more surreal. Some people worry that they're losing their minds or developing life-altering mental illnesses.

Before you decide that you're going over the edge, though, you need to take a deep breath and consider a few things.

You are stronger than you feel. Don't forget this. You're capable, functional and intelligent. You don't always feel this way, but you are more capable than you give yourself credit for. Even though you have moments of fear, you're still you.

Anxiety is an emotion. You don't want to disregard this sometimes paralyzing feeling, but you need to put it in context. This is a feeling like happiness, sadness and anger. All emotions. Feelings add color--dark and light--to life, but they aren't the complete, total reality. Just a part of it.

Some people have anxiety because they're afraid they can't deal with life--they just don't see their successes. The things they handle well. This is the largest percentage of anxiety sufferers. Those who don't see their own strengths.

A smaller group have waves of anxiety when not attending to their emotional lives. Some just disregard the impactful events around them, telling themselves they ought not be upset. Let's be clear--when your job is laying people off or your parents are struggling with health issues, it's very natural to feel anxiety and fear. Sometimes anxiety is just your emotions knocking at the door, wanting to to acknowledge to yourself what you feel. Natural, normal feelings.

Either way, anxiety isn't going to kill you. I don't mean this to sound at all diminishing of your experience. The emotions are real and powerful. As a young adult, I had panic attacks myself. I know some of this terrain. I only say the emotion won't kill you to encourage you to realize that you're okay. You might not feel okay, but you are. You really are.

Whether you need to see your successes--to acknowledge to yourself that you're capable--or if you need to recognize that you're in a stressful, anxiety situation, you can handle this. It doesn't have to control your life or stay with you forever.

Have some faith in yourself. You're really an okay person.

FACE YOUR FEAR

All of us have fears, things we really don't want to happen. No matter how strong and positive you see yourself as or simply try to be, fear is a natural emotion and it can haunt your dreams and cripple your waking hours.
You may fear for loved ones--your children, your mate, your parents--or for yourself.
Therapists have seen a rise in the number of clients paralyzed by anxiety and fear. Some have full blown panic attacks and a number of these folks head first to emergency rooms, convinced they're having a heart attack. More and more people take medication to cope with this gripping sense of dread and, let's be honest, life can be pretty scary. Many have money issues and relationship issues and some just can't get out of bed.
The frustrating thing about the most extreme version of this--anxiety disorders--is that the vise that grips most sufferers is a fear that they again will be consumed by fear. It sounds ironic and even silly to those not dealing with it, but this is no joke.
Even the garden-variety fears, those that don't cripple you, can still have way too much power and trigger you to make choices you wouldn't otherwise. This can be a factor in the education you pursue--fear of not making good enough grades, of not being good enough at a profession--leads many individuals to the jobs they fall back on. Some fear not making the grade and they they don't go to school. Some when in school choose majors that they feel are less rigorous and more achievable.
Nothing wrong with deciding where you want to put your energy and where you don't, but when the decision is based on your fear that you won't succeed, well, that's another matter. Sadly this is a factor in relationship choice, as well. How many of you are dating a fall-back? Someone less interesting or less attractive to you.
The fear of failing is a monster that consumes some of us and can paralyze an individual to the point of not trying. They live with the motto that not trying is less risky than trying and failing.
Not so.
If fear of failure haunts you, you need to address the reality that all of us fail. We all fall down, but the biggest failure is letting this control you. In learning to walk, the average toddler falls ten thousand times. 10,000 falls. No one would suggest, however, that the toddler just give it up.
The truth is that we will all lose loved ones to death and relationship failure. We'll be fired or laid off. We'll face romantic rejection after rejection. Life can be a bitch and accepting that reality helps us to see that it's not just us that are messing up. Everyone does. Some are just better at hiding this.
I am the parent of two children. All through their childhood years, the elder was the most spectacular in her screw-ups and failures. The younger screwed up too, she was just less visible with her mistakes. External versus internal. Remember that when comparing yourself to others--some are just less visible.
We all fail. We all grapple with the complications of living in this world. It's non-negotiable.
Most often the biggest achievements, the greatest accomplishments, are earned through our facing our biggest fears. Never let yourself think that courage isn't in feeling no fear. Courage is in not being controlled by fears, in doing it anyway.
Although educational and career achievements often involve this kind of courage, relationships present the biggest opportunity for us to deal with our fears. Some of us fear losing and we therefore have power struggles that kill relationships. Some fear restrictions--wanting to always be free--and we resist committing to relationships because that requires shutting other doors. Some of us want certainty always, which isn't achievable in this world.
Moving ahead despite fear brings us a greater sense of achievement, even if things don't work out exactly the way we want.
Facing your fears can prove to you that you are strong, that you can handle difficult moments. Don't think you'll ever get to a place where you have no fear, just go ahead even though you're frightened inside. Have some faith in yourself.

FOR THEIR OWN GOOD

"I have been married now eleven years to my high school sweetheart. We have four boys between the ages of 11 and one. About five months ago my father-in-law died after being diagnosed with cancer. Since then my husband has had to take over his business and he hasn't been able to grieve. He refuses to get professional help and has become very verbally aggressive toward me. I love him dearly, but I can't hold on for too long. His behavior had affected our marriage severely and it affects our boys."--signed Help

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Dear Help,

Accept my condolences on your family's loss. It sounds like this sad situation has shaken everything up. You're right that your husband is struggling with his grief, but there's still a result for his bad treatment of you. My recommendation is that you go for counseling by yourself. He may eventually join you and even if he doesn't, you could use the support. You're stressed too. Just having four young children makes for intensive parenting, not including the loss you've suffered. Sadly for you, this is a double loss--your father-in-law and your husband due to his grief and stress.

You're right that the situation isn't good for your children. Seeing you accept verbal abuse is abusive to them. Check out the recent literature on child trauma. Maybe your husband is so consumed in his own grief that he can't see the harm his actions are having, but this needs attention before the family falls apart.

* * *

Years ago when my daughter was small, she developed an illness that required longterm medication. She hated the taste of it and would run when it was time to take her dose. To get her to swallow the medicine, I actually had to pin her between my straddled knees to the floor and force it into her mouth.

Talk about trauma...and I don't mean trauma for her! She has no memory of the experience, but I sure do.

Not long ago, this same now-adult daughter had a kitten hanging around her apartment, clearly without a home or owners to care for it. Our family loves cats. But because she already has two kitty-buddies, she couldn't take in this new feline, no matter how cute it was. To her grave sadness, she knew she had to capture the kitten and deliver it to a shelter where someone else would hopefully adopt it.

This bruised her soft heart and she felt like she was actually betraying the kitten who let her close enough to capture it. Love is like that. Sometimes loving things look like mean things.
Loving others can be very difficult and we do things we hate having to do. No one talks about it much, but parenting involves quite a few of these moments. Incidents when the adult in the relationship has to do difficult things for the kids' own good. (There are parents who do bad things to their kids, claiming pure motives, but most of us really aren't that twisted.) Most of us love our kids with all our hearts and want only the very best for them.

Sadly, this requires us to insist they eat their vegetables, finish their homework and pick up their toys, none of which they like sometimes and none of which they want to do. But it's part of the parenting job description to insist on those things that are good for our kids, even if the kids don't like them.

We have many, many examples of parents and others treating kids badly--this is largely what Child Protective Services watches out for--but we also have an often unacknowledged reality to this parenting job. Sometimes we have to insist on our children doing things they don't want to do. In some cases, the kids have annoyed us to the point that following through isn't that hard--the little jerks deserve it! But sometimes we just hate being the bad guy, the one who administers punishments and lays down the law.

This is particularly true when the other parent is only too glad to be the good one, the fun parent, the one who never makes the kids do anything they don't want to do. But you know the truth that we all do things we don't want to do. Kids are smaller and weaker, but they still need to learn the lesson that others care most about actions and they'll get a lot further by taking care of responsibilities even when these aren't fun.

We all do things we don't want to do.

You, after all, probably go to work, sometimes at a job that doesn't value you or pay you near what your worth, but you do it to put food on the table and clothes on those kids you love so much. Some lessons are hard, but children need parents who love them enough to be the bad guy, to introduce them to shampoo and broccoli.

They may want cartoons, sugary cereal and toys strewn all over. They need you to follow through.