MAKING THE LEAP--A CHILD BECOMING AN ADULT

"I'm a 16 year old and I have a lot of stress in my life. When I was six, an older boy molested me. I tried to fight back and get him to stop, but he told me he would tell my parents and they wouldn't love me any more. I was ashamed. I tried to separate myself from him, but my family made me play with him and I couldn't say no, otherwise I would have to tell them what happened and I could not do that. My parents noticed eventually that I wasn't myself. I did end up telling my mother what happened, even though this was the hardest thing I've had to do. I felt a sense of relief. My mother sent me to a therapist and it helped, but I've never gotten over it. I had to stop therapy when we moved. Then, when I was in seventh grade, I was again molested. This time, I told my family and we called the police. I was enrolled in therapy again and this time, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Since that time, I've struggled severely. I believe I have some form of depression, as well as, anger issues. I don't mean to do the things I do, but I have ruined some things in my parents' house because of my anger. My mom and I do not get along. My dad and I do sometimes, but he always sides with my mother in our arguments. I try to tell my parents what I'm going through, but when I did tell my mother that I used to cut myself--which I'm very ashamed of--she told me I was stupid. She does not have an ounce of sympathy in her body. Our current argument is because I do not want to play lacrosse this year. She wants me to be an amazing athlete, but I have never been and will never be, good enough for that. Honestly, I don't think I'll ever be good enough for anything in my mother's eyes. My question, though, is how do I get along with my mom? I love her so much, but nothing I do makes her happy. She constantly yells and all I do now is cry and resist the urge to hurt myself. She's the one who's making my depression worse, but she doesn't know it. Please help!"--Distressed Teen

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Dear Distressed,

I don't know if you're still going to therapy, but you should be. PTSD after episodes of abuse is common and you need to learn how to deal with it. You're also dealing with issues typical in growing up. The transition from child to adult is complicated and challenging both for the teen and for her parents. You're not quite an adult, capable of directing your own life, but you're not a child, either. You need training wheels still--supportive, loving parents--but being supportive of rebellious, sometimes angry teenagers is very difficult. Most parents find this to be challenging.

I'm sure you and your mom both have valid complaints about each other. You say that you've broken things in the house and that you have an anger problem. Your past abusive episodes just make this time more difficult. That's why I'm stressing that you get back into therapy, if you're not now. I also think your parents could use the support of a professional. Many parents of abuse survivors have massive guilt. Parents are supposed to protect their kids, but they're human and they don't always see the bad situations coming. You're mom may seem unsupportive and upset with you all the time, but I'm guessing she cares about you a lot.

Cutting won't help. You'll just end up scarring yourself and nothing will get better. You deserve to get better, to feel better. You have many changes ahead and these can be scary, but you have the capacity to make the transition. You can be an adult. You have the strength to deal with even the most challenging situations.

I know you don't feel like that some of the time.

Get a therapist to help you to know how to talk to your mom. The lacrosse thing is your choice. By the time you're 16, you get to decide where to put your energy. You're mom may not always be happy with your choices, though. Like everyone else, you'll screw up, get into bad relationships and make bad education or job choices. Just make sure you learn from these.

I'll bet that your mom is trying to keep you from having regrets. She probably wants to make sure you don't have any more bad experiences. As you move into adulthood, she can't make your choices or shelter you from all the storms, but the urge to do so is very natural.

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MAKING THE LEAP

The transition from childhood to adulthood is scary, both for the kid and for those who love her. Parents typically want to shield the child from the really bad choices; kids usually resent interference until they need cash. There are few things more anxiety-producing that watching your child stumble forward in life.

When a kid is underage, parents are both legally and morally responsible. If students don't go to middle or high school classes, their parents have to answer for it. Legal and financial choices at this stage have profound effects on the family.

When the child moves into early adulthood, the situation changes. Don't get me wrong, the situation changes, but parents still feel just as impacted. Even though a twenty-five year old has many more options than a fifteen year old, their parents still worry. I always point out to parents that the greatest gift they can give their kids is to believe in them--to believe they have the strength to handle rough times--I still acknowledge that watching your children struggle is the most painful experience in the world.

But it comes with the territory. When you were buying cribs and having baby showers, looking forward to your little bundle of joy, you probably didn't realize everything you were taking on. Love means being impacted by their choices, but it doesn't give us the right or the power to make those choices for them.

They need to stumble because it seems this is the only real way we humans learn.

I've watched two daughters make bad relationship choices and scary career deviations. My husband and I have sometimes had to look away. It's easier on us.

ANTI-DEPRESSANTS & THE PLACEBO EFFECT

A story ran on the CBS television show 60 Minutes last week about a Harvard researcher studying the placebo effect. He concluded that for the majority of individuals with moderate depression, these medications have little to no effect beyond the expectation of getting better. He was clear that he wasn't saying that the medications have no effect, but that the effect yielded from taking anti-depressants are largely the effect of expecting to feel better.

It's also important to mention that those with serious, debillitating depression still find an effect from taking medication. The results they were discussing addressed the moderate depression that often affects individuals at various points in their lives. Of course, when it's your depression, it feels pretty darned serious. The report wasn't in any way dismissive. It just said that meds aren't necessarily the very best approach.

For some time now, the combination of medication and talk therapy has been recommended even by those in the medicine business--physicians. When you're down, it helps to have an objective, caring person to listen. To those of us in this business, clients aren't individuals just whining. As a matter of fact, most people who come in talking of depression have serious life challenges that are depressing. This may be a difficult work situation(or no work at all), an unhappy relationship or a challenging parenting dilemma.

All these are troubling and can be difficult to address, particularly when you're doing it alone.

If you've been taking medication for awhile, getting off of it can be scary, even if you're not feeling as happy now as when you first started the meds. It seems a little like bare-knuckle fighting whatever is troubling you. Taking a pill every day seems like you're at least doing something, but every medication has side-effects and these can range from simply annoying to very difficult.

Therapy is helpful in dealing with depression. Talking to someone whose not related to you and who doesn't have an agenda as to what you should do can be a breath of fresh air, but talk therapy isn't the only thing you can do about this. The good news is that we've learned that moderate depression can be addressed by some lifestyle changes. Research has also indicated that regular aerobic exercise--we're not talking strenuous exercise--like taking a walk three or four times a week can have a positive effect on mood.

Depression and anxiety usually indicate that changes need to take place, but knowing what exactly needs to change is often difficult. You have reasons why you're still in the unhappy job or relationship and some life situations that are depressing can't be directly changed. Grief and loss--and even the attainment of a dream that was supposed to make you deliriously happy, but didn't--are challenging. You deserve better. You deserve someone to listen. You may have been giving this time, hoping things would work out or just go away.

Don't think meds are necessarily your best option. For serious depression, you need the medication and a supportive therapist to help address whatever the heck is going on with you. For moderate, still-challenging depression, explore your options.

You don't have to keep feeling this way.

LOVE, NOT INCLINATION

"I have been dating a guy for a year. My kids and I have been to every baseball game and basketball game to support his son. I have been to everything to support my friend. They have only been to one thing in support of my daughter. She has a pageant and my friend committed to be there 4 weeks ahead of time. Three days before the pageant, a baseball practice game is scheduled. He is the assistant coach and his son is a player. My daughter has talked about them being there for her. What should we do?"--Seeking Support

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Dear Support,

You need a more accurate assessment of this relationship. Did you and your "friend" agree to support one another's children in all their endeavors? I'm guessing he's big-time into his son's sports because he really enjoys sports. These clearly have priority for him. I think you need to understand that he may not view support the same way you do. He may have thought you came to all those games because you enjoy kids' sports. I'm guessing he doesn't have near the interest in pageants as he does in sports. You may think this is about supporting your daughter, but he probably doesn't see it this way.

Re-think what you're getting out of the relationship...and decide if you really want to go to the games. It looks like he's doing what he wants. Maybe you should do the same and not count on him to support your daughter in her activities.

If you want a mutually-supportive relationship in which both your kids' activities are treated as important, you might want to find another relationship.

* * *

My daughter is in another city for a six-week training and she left her kitty with us. Out of my love for this cat, I put Soft Paws on her claws. These are plastic caps that glue to the kitty's claws and render her unable to claw the furniture. (If she clawed the furniture, I'd love her less and yell at her more.) Declawing cats is a controversial way to handle clawing as it involves surgery to amputate the part of the paw that grows claws. I've done it both ways, but the Soft Paws have fewer complications for the cat.

More for me.

Envision this--I fill the pink plastic claw covers with glue. My husband deposits the cat into my lap and I wrap her in a beach towel. I'm just covering her front claws, not the back ones. I place a Soft Paw on each claw and hold her in the towel for five minutes while the glue sets. While I'm doing this, the cat isn't happy. She tolerates the procedure for a few minutes, then she tries to bite the hands that are holding her. We've done this awhile, so the cat's familiar with the process, even though she doesn't like it.

As is only natural, she tries to bite me to get free. She's actually not vicious in her biting, but I gently bop her on the nose when she does this, just to give her the message that I'm not for biting. When the five minutes is up, I let her go. We're both relieved.

This is love. Love involves doing what is best for the loved one, which isn't necessarily enjoyable for the one doing the loving. Anyone with kids knows this experience. Loving parents do what's best for the child, even when they don't like doing it. How many of you parents have held a thrashing child down while administering necessary, nasty medicine? I've done this. Out of love, we sometimes do things that don't bring anyone pleasure. At least, not in the short-term.

With pets and children, we have to assume that as the adult, we know better. We're the ones they rely on to feed them. We help clean up the messes. We make them follow-through when necessary.

This doesn't make us popular, but we still need to do it. Love isn't always about doing what feels good. Sometimes we follow-though because it's best.

RELATIONSHIPS ARE FRAGILE--DON'T COAST

I hear all the time that people want easy relationships. I get this, but I've never met a relationship that didn't have conflict. We all hate relationship conflict (except for the release of yelling and the exciting make-up sex afterwards), but conflict in relationship has an important function. That being said, it's often a tendency to find yourself coasting in your relationship. You can get to feeling too comfortable, too set for life.

Individuals don't want to fight or argue with their mates; they're tired of the tension. Who wants to fight with the person you're sleeping next to?

So you coast. You get into the seductive mindset that we'll be together always and you stop acting every day like you love your partner. This means forgetting to cherish his differences(although they sometimes make you crazy) and not putting much effort into acting like this guy matters a whole lot to you. Everyone who's in a relationship can tell you their partner's short-comings. These stand out and madden you all the time. I'm not saying that you need to act like your mate is perfect, but you're with this guy for a reason. (If you're only in the marriage for your children, you need to talk to a counselor immediately because no one's happy.)

Coasting means just getting through each day and never dealing with the issues between you. Resolving issues can help you both feel strong and capable. Relationship conflict sucks, but working these out to everyone's benefit makes you aware of your own capacities. YOU CAN DO AMAZING THINGS! Really. It feels that good. Not that you'll always be 100% happy with the resolution, but that in the process of addressing problems, you'll learn to see your partner's point of view and learn to help him see yours. You'll find workable options and feel closer in the process.

Coasting and not dealing with the problems allows these to fester and spring up to bite you in the tushie when you least expect it. It's a bad thing to think you'll be together forever because you stop working every day to convey to your loved one how important he is to you.

Even the strongest relationship doesn't come with a guarantee. They can end and they do all the time. Look around you. A relationship is a living-breathing reflection of the two of you. It grows and develops as you do. Look for opportunities to show--and to tell--your mate how much he means to you. He needs to do this, too.

Relationships that work make us better people, but don't expect this to be a breeze all the time.

SHOWING YOUR VALENTINE LOVE

"I'm a 37 year-old single mom. A year ago, I decided to leave my boyfriend of 7 years. I have a 9 year-old son he raised and he and I have a 3 year-old daughter.

After having my daughter, I was a stay-at-home mom. My boyfriend kept me home with no car. For the past 7 years, my son and I went through verbal and physical abuse. He would hit and kick my son, call him a retard, a dumb a** and a f***tard and much more. My son has hydrocephaly, has had two strokes, has ADHD and is the size of a 5 year old. When I would stand up for my son, my boyfriend would threaten and hit me. Every time I tried to call 911, he hit the phone out of my hands before I could dial.

He never liked our daughter crying, so I nursed on demand and she's slept with me since she was newborn. Now that we're not together, he sleeps alone with her and it bothers me.

Since we're not together, my son has no anger. My former boyfriend accused my son of touching my daughter inappropriately, but it has be found not to be true. He called CPS on my son, but they found nothing. They still want to take my daughter away, though, because my son and she watch cartoons together in her bed before they go to sleep at night. My son goes to his bed to sleep. My son is more into his toys than girls. He loves his sister like a brother should.

I love my kids and I don't know why my former boyfriend is doing this. We go to court this week. This was my weekend to have my daughter, but he wouldn't let me have her. Now he's in contempt of court. I just hate feeling like I'm wrong when I'm just trying to be a good mom. I lost all my friends because of him. He gets people to believe him. My lawyer said it will be okay. I hate seeing my kids go through this. I thought I did the right thing by leaving. Please help."--Hurt Mom

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Dear Hurt,
You know you did the right thing by leaving. The man abused both you and your son. Abusers often control their victims and demean them, as well as, hitting them. Even though dealing with him now is difficult, it's nothing compared to living with him.
He clearly has his own demons and that's sad, but you now have to build a life for yourself and your kids. I know this is not a phrase commonly heard, but trust your lawyer.

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SHOWING YOUR LOVE

Crazy as it sounds, this isn't easy because our perception of love--what makes a person feel loved--is very, very individual. The Valentine Day standard of a mushy card, red roses and chocolate doesn't flip every one's switch. Some people dislike cut flowers, are allergic to roses and, believe it or not, don't like chocolate.

If you want to effectively express your love on Valentines, pay attention to what works for your loved one. Does he crave adventure and activity? Does she buy sexy lingerie for herself? If you've been together any time at all, you'll have some clues as to whether diamonds are a girl's best friend or if she'd rather have a puppy.

The key here is to listen to your mate, to notice what gets him or her excited. Sex can be a lot of fun, but it's not just a Valentine's need for most people. You need to go beyond the naked moment and ask yourself--and your lover--when she felt most loved by you. Some people loved being cooked for, but not everyone cares about this. The biggest challenge here is in moving beyond what works for you and thinking about what works for your mate.

My spouse has hit the gift-giving thing out of the park more than once in our relationship. He's also had some duds. On the other hand, he's a tremendously loving guy regularly. One of the moments when I felt most loved by him was a mundane, non-holiday event. Out of a concern for my well-being, he took our only garage door opener out of his car and put it into mine on an evening I'd be coming home late. Little things can convey your loving thoughts and these are very important. They don't just come once a year.

On the other hand, special celebrations can be fun and you need to have fun with your mate. Life is filled with challenging, irritating moments. Even if you're in a loving relationship, you sometimes feel alone. Sharing fun, intimate(emotionally and physically) moments gives us strength and peace.

So, figure out what works for you...and don't expect that to be the same thing that does it for your mate.

DON'T STAY BECAUSE YOU "SHOULD"

"I'm writing to you because I've decided to separate from my husband of 19 years. We have one daughter together who will be going to college this fall and my other daughter (not his) is married with 2 children.

My husband was addicted to pain killers, Zanex, Oxycotin, crack and heroin. He had colon cancer and they got it all with his surgeries, but he had some other health issues that put in in contact with pain killers. His brother who lived close by was also addicted and they hung together. My husband collected SSI disability, not working. He has lied numerous times. Money and jewelry of mine and my daughter's were stolen from the house. Credit cards went missing and were used with new cards being opened in my name without me knowing. He took in the mail everyday and hid bills from me. I did not know what was going on until he and his brother were picked up by the cops. I had to bail him out of jail. Then, he told me the whole story. This had been going on for two and a half years.

He went to detox for 4 days, but didn't go to rehab. He stayed away from his brother and was good for 4 months. Then he started again--more money was stolen from the house and things were not going well. He must have felt guilty because he told me he had a problem again six months later. He went to a meth clinic, which seems to help him, but he still lies. He's not home all day and the house isn't cleaned. I don't believe a word he says.

My daughter loves him and I know she'll be mad if I separate from him. but I don't know if he'll go back to it. We rent my mother's first floor apartment and she's had enough of him already. He ruined my credit and we're filing for Chapter 13 bankruptcy. But as crazy as it sounds, he's a very sensitive, caring, loving and intelligent person! I truly believe he's ADHD. He was doing okay with the methadone clinic, but when he was with his brother the other day, his brother got into trouble. The brother went to jail and got released, but my husband's name was in the paper along with his brother. It was very embarrassing for all of us. He's not supposed to be with his brother, but he says he feels sorry for him, giving him a ride once in a while.

Now that I've told him I want to get separated, he's very upset. I feel bad, but I can't live with his back-and-forth life anymore. I need to clean up the mess of my live and move on. I feel guilty. He says he wants to try and he's doing good on his program, but the truth is that--with all the mess of the last 3 or 4 years, I don't have feelings for him any more.

Any thoughts?--"Sick Of It All

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Dear Sick,

I'd say this has been a tough decision for you, particularly since you still care for the guy even if you're not in love with him now. Relationships are challenging anyway. Dealing with the addiction issues and the stuff that comes with it--lies, stealing--is very, very hard. Having an addicted spouse is one of the most difficult situations. The roller coaster of them getting clean and relapsing can wear you out.

The thing is that love can die. If the cost of a relationship is more that what you get out of it, the relationship is no longer workable. You're daughter loves him--and you don't hate him most of the time--and that's completely understandable. It still doesn't mean you should stay with him.

* * *

I'm gonna say it again--no one but you gets to decide when you stay or go.

Your relationship is a very intimate, personal experience and no one else really knows the inside of it--your private experience--the way you do. Other people have opinions, of course, but these are necessarily based on an incomplete picture.

Clients ask me all the time if they "should" stay in their relationships. If children are involved, people often think they should stay for their kids. I get this. You want the best for your children. You love them and you're trying to be the best parent you can, but I don't think the concept of should fits this picture. Some couples with children can work things out. They still have enough connection to one another to salvage the relationship. Some don't.

Don't think your kids don't know how unhappy you are. They know. Even the young ones can sense the tension and unhappiness in the home. I've had children of conflicted couples tell me they wished their parents would divorce because the stress in the home was so high. Parents sometimes disagree with this, saying that they never fight with their spouses and that their kids are happy, but I ask then if they're role-modeling a healthy relationship for their children.

Having been married thirty-plus years, I know first hand that every relationship faces challenges. We're human and we all have things we need to learn. I'm not suggesting that jumping out of a relationship at the first sign of conflict is the best choice. Most individuals considering leaving their relationships have had problems in the relationship for a long, long time. They're just worn down and unable to continue the way they are.

The decision of what to do with your relationship is yours. Some come to counseling as a "last ditch" help. At that point, it doesn't usually help. Too much water has passed under the bridge.

Don't wait. Counseling can feel weird--telling your intimate feelings to a total stranger--but it can help you learn how to work through issues in the relationship. That's what makes the two of you stronger, learning how to find success together.

HOW DO YOU FEEL LOVED?

"I'm 28 years old and my husband is 48 years old. We met 4 years ago and have a 2 year-old daughter together. I'm so confused with our marriage. I love him, but I'm not sure how much more I can take. He has 3 kids from a previous marriage. Their ages are 26, 21 and 10. The ten year-old daughter lives with us since he has primary custody, but she has Down's Syndrome and he does everything for her! I mean everything--wiping her bottom, bathing her, brushing her teeth and carrying her around stores because she doesn't want to walk. I worked in a group home for adults with different levels of mental retardation and Down's Syndrome and they were all expected to bathe, cook, clean and some even worked(with supervision, of course). So, I know it's possible for her to be somewhat independent. I feel he's hindering her development by babying her so much. This takes time away from our alone time, which isn't so much anyway since he works two jobs. His daughter also has some very bad habits that are hard for me to understand. She plays with her poop in the restroom and is really rough with and mean towards our 2 year-old daughter. I've done research on Down's Syndrome to try to understand the condition a little better, but that didn't help.
There's also a custody battle going on with the ex-wife. My husband asked for child support a year ago and now she's trying to get primary custody. We are dealing with court dates and social studies. The ex-wife had caused many problems for us and she and I have even had confrontations that nearly got physical. I'm just so tired of everything and I'm not sure how much more I can take.
In addition, my husband's 21 year-old son hates me. He calls me bad names to my face and walks into our house without even saying hi to me. It's as if I don't exist. I'm not comfortable around him! I've talked to my husband about all this, but he gets upset as if I've hurt his feelings. I don't know what to do. Every day is a struggle for me. I want some advice on this. I resent the daughter now and don't even like being around her because of her gross behavior and the problems with the ex. I know it's not the daughter's fault that we're in a court battle and I know she didn't ask to be born with Down's Syndrome. I know it's wrong to feel the way I feel and that's why I'm asking for help. I hope I don't sound like a bad person"--Confused

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Dear Confused,

You've got a couple of problems, both tracking directly back to dysfunctional communication with your husband. You're dealing with the challenges involved in parenting a disabled individual and with the issues that often come with the step-parenting role. Not all Down's Syndrome kids have the same challenges and same abilities, but it sounds like reality of your step-daughter's abilities can't even be addressed. You're right that many people with Down's can actively participate in many activities and they can often care for themselves with supervision.

It sounds to me that you married a caretaker. Your husband's life sounds like it revolves around taking care of others. You say he works two jobs and you imply that he's resistant to his daughter learning to do some basic things for herself. If he were open to hearing these observations, a loving partner could share them. You've tried talking about the issues and your feelings, but this hasn't apparently gone well.

From your mentioning yours and your husband's ages, I suspect you think this could play a role in the problems you're having. All relationships are challenging at times, but unequal relationships are even harder.

So here's the hard news--you and your husband need several serious talks about this relationship. It's not good that you feel so distressed in your own life. You need to share your feelings and concerns and he needs to hear them. He also gets to tell you his perspective--which will be very different from your own--and you need to listen to him. On top of all this, your husband needs to level with his adult son that his behavior in your home is unacceptable. Is your husband afraid that he'll lose contact with his son?

There seems to be a theme of your husband always bending over backward to "help" and be available to his children, but he's not really helping them by accepting their anti-social behavior.

Whether the two of you can have honest dialogue about all this is unclear. You may need an objective third party to help sort all this through. If so, get help soon because you seem to be near the end of your rope.

* * *

Do you know what triggers your mate to feel loved? I'm often surprised when clients can't answer this about their partners. Do you know when you feel loved? Valentine's Day is coming up soon and lots of money will be spent in an attempt to show love. Lot's of folks hate this holiday, saying it's a manufactured holiday, designed to get your money and there's some truth in this, but many love this celebration.

Still, to better target your gift--if you're a Valentine participant--you need to know the answer to what makes your partner feel loved. Some women love getting a splashy bouquet of red roses delivered to their place of work. This feels like a demonstration of them being loved, seen by all those they work with. Others hate cut flowers.

While some love special dinners and expensive gifts, these mean nothing to some. There are also individuals who struggle with their partners doing nothing on the "day of love."

So, what makes you feel loved? Many have to think about this.

Consider those times you've felt most cared for by your mate--was it when he got you something you hesitated to get for yourself? Or did he do something for you, even though he had to go out of his way to do this service? Different people feel loved differently. You need to know the ways in which you feel most loved and you need to listen to your partner. He may have a very different way of receiving this. For some, it's neither roses nor sex. They kind of expect that regularly.

This Valentine's Day can be a great experience...if you know your own and the other person's triggers.