HOW TO FORGIVE

"My husband and I have a happy healthy relationship for the most part, but it changes when he goes to work.  He works out of town every other week and it seems like every time he leaves we start arguing.  The minute he gets home we are as happy as can be.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I know I'm mostly the cause of it all and I just want help to get through this.  What do I need to do?"

*

 

First off, accept that you miss him terribly when he's gone. You say that you know you're the cause of the arguments, so I'm guessing you start the fights, for the most part. Maybe you get really prickly when he's about to go.

 

Ask yourself how you feel about this job of his that takes him away every other week. Do you feel resentful that he hasn't changed to a job that would allow him to live with you all the time? Be honest with yourself and don't beat yourself up, regardless of your answer to the question. We shut down our own self-processing when we label ourselves as wrong or bad for feeling a certain way.

 

His being gone half the time may leave you feeling abandoned and unloved. Even if you believe with all your heart that he loves you, you can still feel unloved at those moments.

 

You may think his staying with the job is the best option, but that doesn't mean that a part of you isn't upset about it.

 

Then, focus hard on conveying to him just how much you love him when he's about to leave. Think of what you'd want to say and do if you were never going to see him again. You'd want him to really know how much you love him. This is when choice guides behavior, not feeling. If you go by how you're feeling when he's packing up to leave--again--you'd let everything rip. But this is when you don't base your actions on how you feel. You choose to behave in a manner different from your emotions.

**

 

HOW TO FORGIVE

 

Few of us haven't been battered a little by this life. Forgiveness becomes an issue when you've suffered an injury either done by some random fool--say in the case of being the victim of crime--or by someone you love.

 

We've seen the stories on television of a relative forgiving the one who murdered a loved one and this is admirable. But most of us feel damaged greatest by the people who we had thought loved us. This can cause incredible pain and can lead you to feel stupid because you didn't see it coming. You never thought the one you loved would do this(whatever) to you.

 

He or she might have left you or stole from you and then left you or cheated on you. Regardless, you probably have had vengeful thoughts that may have involved doing harm to the person you thought loved you.

 

Then--just look up getting revenge online--you have people tell you to forgive for your own sake.

 

They just don't tell you how to do this. So I'm giving a few tips on this very difficult issue.

 

There are two types of forgiveness: Unilateral--you forgiving because you don't want this injury eating you from the inside--and requested forgiveness. When forgiveness is requested, you might want to give it, hoping to put the traumatic moment behind you two and get back to being loved. Don't succumb to the urge without some careful thought.

 

Unilateral Forgiveness:

 

This is really about loving yourself. When you harbor anger and hatred toward another, you're using a tremendous amount of your energy. It takes a lot of power to maintain anger at a big level. You could find better uses for your internal power than giving it to someone who has already offended you.

 

Forgiveness in no way says that whatever the other person did is okay with you. Injuring or betraying another person diminishes the one doing the harm. It's not okay.

 

Trust me, it isn't personal. When a human being harms another, it usually isn't about the one harmed, but is more about the one doing the harm.  Yes, it feels very personal, but the other guy is usually all caught up in his own damage. The harm done to you is collateral and is more about him.

 

Requested Forgiveness:

 

Lots of people deal with this when a lover cheats on them. You  may also want to forgive in this case because you really want to put the ugliness behind you. I need to point out that you can only forgive a cheating lover when something in the relationship will be or is different. Really different. You need to talk more openly, address issues that you haven't known how to approach or haven't wanted to address.

 

Things have to be different...or they're not.

 

This kind of forgiveness requires a complete openness--and refusal to defend--from the cheater. All passwords must be offered up; the cell phone has to be available for snooping at any time. There is--in this case--no privacy. Once you've been cheated on, you're understandable suspicious. It's just part of the mess. After all, you don't know what's real anymore.

 

The "no privacy" thing usually diminishes after a while (long, long while), but the cheater isn't trusted initially.

 

If you've experience infidelity in a relationship, there are issues that need to be resolved. It can be hard to do this because it feels a little like blaming the victim. I'm not doing that. The one who unzipped the pants is the only one responsible for cheating. However, even the victim in this case has had some say in the state of the relationship.

 

Follow me here--if you have no responsibility for what's happening in the relationship(before cheating), then you have no power. This isn't how it works. Responsibility and power are linked. The issues between you two need to be addressed if anything is going to be different. And if you're going to forgive, things need to be different.

 

Forgiveness lifts a psychic load off your shoulders. It's better for you, and that's the best motivation.



ENCOURAGE TEENS TO WORK

"I spent 3 years in a verbally abuse, mentally exhausting, chaotic relationship. The thing was, I loved her. She broke up with me in October of last year, but has been living in my house until today (March 1st). I am having trouble getting over her. She was an awful partner, didn't appreciate me, never did anything sweet and never went out of her way to show affection. She put me down, cried when she couldn't get what she wanted and snapped at me for the most absurd things. I think she may have BPD as I have done my research. Why can't I get over her? Perhaps it was because we were engaged and planning our wedding? What steps should I take at easing off my apparent addiction for her? I would cut her off cold turkey but I am the guardian (and non bio parent) of our daughter whom I love. Help!"--Troubled

*

Dear Troubled,

 

It's difficult to move on when you still share a house with your ex. The first thing is to get separate living quarters and I'd recommend you tell her to leave. This can be difficult if you're conflicted about ending the relationship, though. You've told me that she was an awful partner, but you're also struggling to move on.

 

Don't allow the existence of a child to keep this difficult situation going. If your ex can't afford to support herself and a child, then you take over the child's maintenance and have the ex move out. Either way, you don't need her living with you. Estranged parents often struggle to deal with the issues of sharing a child. If you have legal standing in regards to your daughter, you should be able to get shared custody or visitation with her. Talk with an attorney to make sure your rights are protected.

 

Then, it's time to look long and hard at whether you agree with your ex's ugly opinion of you. You may have stayed in an abusive, exhausting relationship to remain in contact with your daughter or you may be accustomed to negative behavior. Either way, you deserve better and so does the child.

 

Please don't try to diagnose your ex. This isn't your job and it won't help you. People currently use mental health diagnoses as weapons against others. Don't succumb to this. You may have planned a future with her, but it sounds as if nothing good came of this potential union. You need to present your daughter with a healthy example. You don't want her growing up to accept abuse from her partners, so don't set her this example. Get out of the relationship and show her she doesn't have to take this.

 

You may be addicted to this relationship or you may have merely become too accustomed to the mess. Get therapy to help you sort through the issues that got you in this and kept you there. You don't want to repeat this.

 

**

ENCOURAGE TEENS TO WORK

 

You may push your kids to take college-level courses in high school and urge them to focus on their grades, but if you don't let them work part-time jobs, they're missing out on a tremendous real-life educational opportunity.

 

Lots of young adults in college struggle to know where they want to direct their education. Some fall back on non-degree degrees--you know, the kind that won't actually get them jobs?--or end up with six different majors before cobbling their hours together just to graduate with some kind of degree.

 

Working part-time jobs helps kids to think seriously about what they do and don't want to do. It gives them a taste of the job market for those who don't go to college and can help them develop a drive to go into whatever field works for them.

 

My daughters worked at amusement parks and mall food-court jobs after they reached sixteen. One even worked in a mall photography studio for one Christmas season. Before that, they spent summers helping their father work on the old buildings where we officed. One day my youngest came home, covered from head to toe in mud, after crawling around under a building, working on plumbing. She stood by the door and announced in a deadpan voice that now she knew she didn't want to be a plumber.

 

Plumbing may be your kid's passion(my husband has a cousin with a Ph.D. in history who's now a plumber), but crawling under a building or working at Six Flags may not be what your kid wants to do for the next twenty years. Having this kind of job early can help teens focus on what they want in their work. My daughters ended up both working at an upscale grocery store as checkers during college and one once referred to several of the workers there as "lifers".

 

Service personnel are subjected to our moods and dysfunctions. It takes a lot of tolerance to do this kind of work. If, however, your teens don't see this as a career that will enhance their lives, they should get training to do the job that will make them most fulfilled and happy.

 

Working as a teen can help them know what they want to do.

WHY NOT JUST LEAVE?

Cheating happens in just over half of all relationships, although the statistics are wobbly since people don't easily admit to this behavior. The inference here is that lots of people aren't happy in their relationship commitments. Even though this is fairly common, most feel badly about breaking their vows. But they still do it way too often.

Why not just leave?

They don't hate their mates

Although cheaters have taken a step that gravely endangers their relationships, it's not a simple matter. They may not be happy in their main relationship, but they still have affection for their mates. When I ask clients about this, they tell me they love their mates and don't want them out of their lives. Of course, people don't usually come see me when they've already decided to leave, so the population I generally hear from are the ones who want to stay...at least they want to see if they can save the relationship. The others call lawyers or a moving company or both.

Lots of people struggle with not wanting to lose out on the good things in their relationships. This may seem contradictory, but even when a relationship is floudering, there generally are good moments.

They think they should stay for the kids

This is a big concern for a lot of people and, really, aren't we supposed to be concerned about our kids? Makes sense, right? But if a parent is cheating, the whole family has been suffering, and usually has been for some time. If the primary relationship is impaired enough that one(or both) partners have stepped outside it, the kids are already suffering. People want to argue with me about this, saying they don't fight in front of the children and that their kids have no idea they're unhappy. While children don't usually want parents to split up, they almost always know when things aren't going well. They're smaller and dependent on your well-being--they have radar regarding what's going on with you. They know.

While more kids than you'd expect sit in my office and tell me they wish their parents would just divorce already, some kids don't want their worlds disturbed. Their perspective might be selfish, but childhood tends to be more me-focused. It's a developmental thing.

They don't want to end the associated things.

This is about friends and family. And lifestyle, to some degree. This may seem selfish, at first, but consider that many people have had years of connection and they love their in-laws. Not everyone hates their mother-in-law. Divorce or break-up usually ends all contact between families and the former spouse, at least for a while. Most never really connect up again and this can be a wrenching experience if his parents are more loving toward her than her parents ever were.

People consider this and sometimes stay in very unhappy marriages because they don't want to let go of joint friends or non-biological family.

Let's also be realistic that divorce/separation changes lifestyle. The cheater may have to live in a cheaper house in a less-desirable neighborhood. They may drive a much less reliable car or be unable to afford membership in clubs and activities.

Don't judge--

It's very easy to sit by and be critical, particularly if someone you love--or you--were the injured mate. Cheating is never a good solution, but it is an indication of significant distress in the relationship. No one cheats when they feel loved and connected with their mates.

If you've got problems in the relationship, get help. It's more effective and leaves you feeling less guilty.

ENCOURAGING RISK-TAKING

"My daughter is 11 and lies about everything. Can you give me some tips to try to help her? We are at our wits end. I have tried to reward her for good behavior and it will start to get better, but then it will relapse again. Her dad is only in the picture when it is convenient for him but her step dad has been there consistently since she was three."--Frustrated Mom

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Dear Frustrated,

 

It might help to mention that 10 1/2 to 11 years is a developmentally rough time--kind of like when she was 2 and yelled no at you all the time. Things will settle down in about six months (until another rough developmental period rolls around).  Another reality is that pretty much all kids lie and this is understandable when you consider that children are dependent and less powerful than adults. The deck is stacked in your favor. You've got the power.

 

I know it doesn't feel that way when you're wrestling with her acting out. Children can really be difficult, at times.

 



Keeping those things in mind, there are a couple of behaviors parents need to avoid when it comes to lying. Don't ask her a question when you know the answer. We parents are sometimes guilty of setting kids up to lie. We ask them what they're up to when we know what they're doing. We ask them if they did a certain thing when we know they did it.

 

There's even a video on YouTube of a kid with cupcake sprinkles all over his guilty face and his mother asking him if he ate the cupcake. Of course, the kid lies.

 

Giving her consequences for lies is a good option. Remember, growth is a process. Sometimes it is a two-steps-forward-one-step back thing. Having seen your rewards make a difference is a sign that the things you've done are having impact. She also needs to experience her own power in positive ways. Give her choices whenever you can and let her be in charge of the small things. Let her choose which chores she wants and when in the day she does these. Within the bounds of weather and modesty, let her pick her clothes--even if they don't match.

 

Parenting is one of the most challenging jobs we ever undertake, even though the rewards can be great.

 

*

 



ENCOURAGING RISK-TAKING

 

Parenting is all about helping your children move forward in a healthy way, but forward movement can be scary for all. We don't want our kids to do death-defying stunts that get uploaded on the internet and we certainly don't want them engaging in risky sexual behavior or ingesting illegal substances. There are some kinds of risks, however, that we do want them to take.

 

Think back to your own childhood and adolescence.... If you moved to a new school, you learned to make new friends and you might even have tried out for sports or for a role in the school musical. These all felt scary because they involved taking the risk of rejection and maybe even ridicule.

 

You want your kids to risk being different from the crowd, especially if the crowd is doing bad, dangerous things.

 

As children get older, they approach the very scary reality of Adulthood, of making their own living and creating lives of their own. I see lots of very intelligent teens who are struggling with anxiety as they approach high school graduation. What's next? What if they choose wrong? What if they can't get into the college of their choice? Or, worse yet, what if they get in and hate it?

 

The best gift you can give your child--by far--is believing in him. Everyone reading this silently thought of course I believe in my kid, but this isn't as simple as it sounds. Parents need to internalize and remember the words "My kid is strong and capable." Repeat this back to yourself when the child does something foolish(life lesson straight ahead) or when he or she faces a harsh or unfair reality. Doesn't get the part-time job or gets rejected by the college of his choice.

 

Life involves rejections. You know this from experience, right? But the biggest success when we're facing failure is to get back up again. Try again...and again. Shift our focus and adjust our efforts and go at it again.

 

As parents, we need to send out the message that we believe in them. We know they can handle whatever comes. We can say this(whenever appropriate) and we need to keep it front and center in our brains. Transmit it. You may or may not have had people who believed in you, but you know the power of that gift.

 

Appropriate risk-taking is a life skill. It's how we develop healthy self-esteem, that and noticing our successes. Give your kids the gift of encouraging them to take the leap. Do this because--even though you're behind the kid chewing your fingernails to the nub out of your desire for them to get the job/win the contest/make the vault--you need to transmit that you believe in them.

 
You're tremendously important, even though they don't always let you see this. Believe in your children's capacity to cope with life.



YOU GET TO FIGURE IT OUT FOR YOURSELF

Let's just start off by saying there are usually many right ways to accomplish whatever, but many individuals still insist they're right about pretty much everything.

Admittedly, being right feels good. We're like kids in the classroom, eagerly raising our hands when we know the answer. We love winning--being right!--so  much that many of us are tempted to cheat to get there.

There are unfortunately lots of times in life when we don't know the answer. The more experience you have, the more chance that you'll run into situations that don't even have a right answer, but many of us deal with this uncertainty by sticking to our answers--our solutions to most everything. No where is this more evident that politics and parenting. If we're not very aware, we can end up trying to shove our perspective down others throats.

This never gets us what we want. Ever. But it's hard to resist.

The biggest area in which we insist we have the answers is in parenting, particularly parenting teens or young adults. Let's be honest, the young often have limited views of life and, yes, they screw up. You've been through various situations in your life and life has taught you a thing or two. Sometimes harshly.

So when a younger person that you love is heading in what you fear is the wrong direction, you can insist that your way/your perspective/your answers are the right ones.

Just let me ask, when your parents tried to tell you as a young adult what you needed to do, did you appreciate it? Did you listen or shut them out? And when you're in a dilemma now and your friends insist on telling you what to do, don't you tend to ignore them?

We human beings have a strong need to create our own fates. We don't want others telling us what to do, no matter how invested they are. As a therapist, I occasionally see clients who want me to give them the answers--tell them what to do. I resist this kind of question because I respect your right to decide on your own answers. No one should tell you what you should do. The irony of this is that clients do what they want, no matter what their therapist or parents or friends say they should do.

This is how it should be.

When young adults--or older adults!--are floundering, it would be a relief(we think) to have someone hand us answers, but it doesn't work this way. We all deserve to make our own choices and find out the realities of life for ourselves.

We deserve to screw up and fail our way toward the best path for us.

YOU'LL DO

The most frequent reason given as to why individuals don't leave unsatisfactory relationships is that they don't want to be alone.

We live in a couple world where many see even an unhappy connection as better than no connection at all. We'd rather have miserable Valentine's Days, dissatisfied with whatever does or doesn't happen, than have no valentine to be unhappy with. This seems to hold true even when couples share few values and have widely divergent lifestyles.

We just don't want to be alone.

Human beings are typically social beings. Even if you really like alone-time and you don't do crowds of people, you still probably like human interaction one-on-one or with a few close friends. This connectivity is part of who we are, but when our only critieria for being in a relationship is that the other person has to be breathing, we sell ourselves short.

Some people hate Valentines Day because it underscores that either they have no one special in their lives or the one who's supposed to be special, isn't. For a day intended to celebrate love, Valentine's can be difficult and divisive. Lots of people feel pressured to make that one day wonderful. It seems to heighten expectations and even if one is in a generally happy relationship, knowing how best to acknowledge it can be complicated.

With the desperation to always be in a relationship, we can make foolish choices, committing to individuals who we don't feel loved by and who don't share our ideas about the future. When the relationship breaks down, people run out to get hooked up to someone else.

It's kind of like musical chairs. When the music stops, we rush to grab the closest chair...even if it's rickety and destined to fail us.

Individuals on the downside of relationship break-ups tend to rush out to hook up with anyone. Getting with someone else who wants them somehow seems to mean they're actually okay and not as lousy as the last partner believes. Some see relationships--even the unhappy ones--as a kind of validation, a confirmation that they're okay people. At least, this person wants to be with me.

We need to develop better belief in ourselves and work to create lives--single or with a significant other--that will make us happy. While relationships are complicated and challenging at moments, they're also tremendously beneficial to our well-being. We're healthy and live better lives in happy relationships, but unhappy relationships don't offer the same safeguards.

Rather than jump into the first relationship that happens along, ask yourself what you need out of a partnership...and work toward being the kind of individual you want to be.

VALENTINE RULES FOR ESTABLISHED COUPLES

Valentine's Day is one of the most celebrated/hated days of the year. With the focus on showing your love, things often get twisted, so adhere to these rules for couples who've been to a few rodeos:

Don't Do Unto Others.....

Following the golden rule is a pretty good way to live, except not everyone wants you to be done unto in the same way. This is especially true when in comes to expressions of love and that makes sense because the same things don't always trigger people to feel loved. Some folks would get upset if they didn't get a bouquet of red roses sent to their workplace every Valentine's Day. This just says love to them. Others couldn't care less about cut flowers and still other individuals prefer an expression of love tailored just to them to a standard card-and-going-out-to-dinner. Some people want their lovers to know them well enough to recognize that they'd prefer a rock-climbing vacation to a stay at a bed-and-breakfast.

Do you know what conveys love to your special person? Or what triggers you to feel loved? Think hard about this. Different people have different answers. If you're a sexy undies person, your partner should know this.

The 1st to Mention Valentines....

If the two of you are a collaborative couple, then make sure you recognize that the first person to open the topic of how you're going to celebrate Valentines doesn't go first in making suggestions on this. If they bring it up, you need to be the first to respond with ideas. It's just part of being a team.

Don't Use Stress as an Excuse

Connecting to a loved one actually reduces stress. Yes, you're busy people with demanding jobs and possibly raising a family of demanding children. This doesn't mean having a moment to share together with your significant other is unimportant. You need your partner's love even more when faced with challenging situations...and which of us aren't?

I'm With You, Isn't That Enough?

No, it's not. Some individuals don't enjoy or need celebrations of love--not wedding/dating anniversaries or Valentine's. I get that. Not everyone is the same, but that doesn't excuse you from responding to what your partner needs. Almost invariably, a non-Valentines/non-wedding anniversary person ends up with a partner who loves these moments. Get with the program and show love to your special person the way that person receives love.

If that's sex while wearing a red thong or a flight in a hot air balloon or a night alone watching movies on the couch with the kids at a sitter, so be it. This is a day to express your love. Do it so your special person feels loved.

And you deserve the same from them.