YOU HAVE POWER...EVEN IF YOU DON'T FEEL THAT WAY

"My father has admitted to having an affair with a woman a few years ago. At the time, my mother was very upset and even threatened to leave, but somehow they worked it out. However, he still seems to be seeing this woman. They talk on the phone for hours at a time, he visits her house frequently, leaving my mother home alone for extended periods of time. This other woman even comes to visit my parents' house when my mother is there, like they are friends. When I ask my mother about why they're sill in contact and why she's visiting their house, she doesn't want to talk about it. My father seems not to think he's doing anything wrong. Normally, I wouldn't get involved, but I'm concerned about my mother's health, which wasn't great to begin with and has gone downhill since this all started. I mentioned counseling to my mother, but she says she doesn't want to do it (and doesn't believe my father would do it.) But I know she's embarrassed and the situation upsets her. Is there anything I can do to help this situation? I feel like I have to do something given my mother's health, but I'm not sure what to do."--Concerned Daughter

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Dear Concerned Daughter,

 

I understand why you're worrying, but I don't think there's much you can do. Your mom is an adult and she gets to decide how to handle her marital problems. This situation is a version of the parents of adult children worrying about their grown children's choices. Although you love your mom, you need to act on your belief in her being able(and having the right) to direct her own life.

 

Don't assume, though, that she's as distressed about this as you are. Some mates are relieved not to be required to perform their sexual duties. Others have seen their lengthy marriages settle into a life partnership that isn't particularly romantic. You just don't know. Even when her health issues make this situation more complicated, you still can't force or argue either her or your father into dealing differently with their marital issues.

 

This may not be the kind of marriage you--or I!--want, but we don't get to say what's best for your mom. Loving them doesn't give you the right to tell them what to do.

 

I am concerned, however, at how much you know about their situation. When you have no capacity to change an upsetting life drama, the less you know, the easier it is.

 

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YOU HAVE POWER...EVEN IF YOU DON'T FEEL THAT WAY

 

Some situations and some relationships are very frustrating, particularly if you're directly involved. Even if you can't directly wave a wand and make things different, however, you still have choices.

 

Power lies in using our choices in the best way.

 

The key here is to consider the choices you do have--not just the ones you wish you had. Lots of people want their mates to be different and many have verbalized their complaints about different aspects of their mates' behavior. But we don't have control over others' function. You can't just flip a switch and make it all different.

 

The author and theorist Viktor Frankl survived WWII concentration camps, observing that the prisoners had ultimate control over how the lived, even in those harsh conditions. He commented that they had no ability to gain freedom or to decide who lived or died, but they could direct their own behavior. He talked of the power in making the choice to eat or share his scrap of bread.

 

We have ultimate control over us and our behavior.You can change your function. We have control over what we do and what we say. This is our greatest power. Think about how you participate in the situation that you hate--what you say and what you do. Altering these can have a big effect on your experience.

 

FOLLOW-THROUGH

The only way your kids can trust you is if you follow-through on what you tell them. This goes directly to them feeling safe with you. After all, they're young and small and they depend on you. They need to feel sure that you will take care of them and that means that you'll do what you say.

In the old Audrey Hepburn/Cary Grant movie Charade, two men get on an elevator with Hepburn at an American consulate, discussing an evening playing cards with their boss. One man tells the other that he held a smaller hand, but he successfully bluffed the ambassador. The other guy asks why this is a problem and the first man said, "Well, if I can do it, what about the Russians?"

Parents have a tendency to utter threats and promises they don't want to have to use. They're trying to get their kids in line, but kids aren't stupid. After a few of these empty threats, they get the picture--you can't be trusted.

Parenting is a very challenging job--one of the hardest on earth. You don't often get a vacation from being your best self. You're on all-the-time. Small eyes note, catalogue and copy...which can be really disturbing.

So, don't say what you're not prepared to do. If you threaten to put your kid in time-out, put her in time-out, no matter how sweet she looks or if her tears tug at your heart. Your kids aren't monsters trying to drive you crazy, but they are usually pretty good at doing this. They see you in your worse, most stressed, frazzled, annoyed moments and they need to know that, even when you're tired or mad, you'll still be reliable.

Doing what you say gives you credibility and stature with your kids (although they won't usually tell you this until some big moment like graduation or the birth of a grandchild). Yelling at them won't make them behave, it's just a measure of how frustrated you are. Yes, they may jump when you yell, but remember that they haven't doing what they're supposed to do until you yell. That means your kids have learned they don't have to respond until you reach a certain decibel level.

Counting 1-2-3 doesn't work, either, because they just wait until right before you reach 3.

Say what you mean--once--and then follow-through. This is much easier if you keep your hands on them. Few things disturb me more than going to a mall or discount store and seeing kids running aisles ahead of their parents. Often the parents are yelling directions at them, which the kids then ignore. These are almost always empty threats. Parents don't want to be bothered with carting the kids straight out of the mall--they have a reason for being at the mall and they want to get whatever--and kids know this. They know you're just yelling at them. When you catch up to them, you may grab them by the arm and scold them. You may threaten to not get them a promised treat or not buy them whatever.

But you will. You will end up buying them ice cream or their baseball uniform or whatever you've come to the mall for. In this situation, why should kids listen? Don't be this parent. You want your kids to know you can take care of them.

If you're not acting like what you say matters, neither will they.

RELATIONSHIP RESET

Have you ever said you just want to get back to how we used to be or that you want a totally fresh start with your partner, like pushing a reset button? Sadly, trying to develop amnesia about problems between the two of you doesn't work--at least not long term.

I often hear people express the desire to feel the way they used to with their mate and this is understandable. When you first met and started falling for one another, you saw the fun, the happy parts, the good stuff. Only as the two of you spent more time together and began sharing an on-going experience did the problems crop up. This can almost always be tracked back to poor conflict resolution.

(You may also have built your shared experiences on a weak foundation and, if so, no communication skills will make this all better. If the two of you have very different values and want different lives, the gulf may be too wide to cross. This can be painful, because you've loved this person. Still, if she wants drugs and rock and roll and you want family life in the suburbs, you have little upon which to base a life together. At the same time, wanting a similar life doesn't always mean eternal relationship bliss. You need both similar values and different, unique perspectives. This can help you find a balanced, fulfilled life together.)

When you don't resolve problems, conflict in relationships build up like sediment in a pond, eventually choking the fun out of the relationship. I frequently have one half of couples assure me that they resolve their problems. Ironically, while one person is giving me this assurance, the other is often shaking his or her head in disagreement. Resolution only exists if both of you feel settled about whatever you disagreed on. If one half of the couple just stops talking(arguing), the problem may not be actually resolved.

Sometimes people just get tired of fighting and disagreeing. They acquiesce--or stop arguing--because they just don't see any successful end in sight.

Stopping talking doesn't mean you've reached an agreement on an issue.

Many times, couples quit talking about something they can't resolve and go on about their lives. But the unresolved issues start piling up until they choke out the fun stuff and you can no longer see your partner as the sexy, attractive person you committed to in the beginning.

The unsettled issues obscure the part that you fell in love with. Getting back to the good times is an understandable desire, but if you're going to get there, you have to learn how to settle the issues that have blotted out the joy.

You have to learn to resolve things.

This can be a complicated process and it requires you to both express yourself and to really listen to your mate express him or herself. But it can be done.

Timing is everything here, though. Wait too long to address your relationship issues and you or your partner may get to the place that you're just done. Finito. Finished. The love has been killed and cannot be revived.

When that happens, you might as well call the moving company and the lawyers. Therapy can only help when you've still got something left in a relationship, so don't wait too long to seek help.

THRILLED BUT NOT PROUD

Tomorrow, a child of mine is graduating medical school. All through her academic process--valedictorian of her small high school, cum laude graduate in biology from college, a masters in medical science and then medical school--people have been commenting on how proud of her I must be.

I have a problem with that word--proud--and I realize this is mostly my issue.

In my experience, parental pride seems to include some level of ownership of the achievement--like the child's success is somehow due to the parent. I reject that perspective and not because I don't think I've been a good parent. As most parents, I had some bad, stupid moments and some really good moments. When this physician daughter of mine couldn't read at eight, I went into intensive vision therapy mode. I fortunately knew of a professional in this field and, with his direction, I was rigid about vision therapy with her. I mean I was hell-bent, full-out, commando about this. I love words and I couldn't imagine a life without reading.

So, yes. I get credit for helping her be able to learn to read. My husband and I have always placed our daughters' needs at a high priority and we've worked to give them the foundation of a strong parental marriage. I've been a decent parent and I feel good about most of my actions in that area.

But I can't say I'm proud of this adult child of mine because this is her achievement. She earned this. I've seen her hard work and intensive study to get where she can walk across the stage tomorrow and earn the title of Dr. Doss. The hours spent pouring over massive text books and the devotion she gave to study were incredible.

I'm thrilled for her.

When she spent a month in Costa Rica earlier this year to learn medical Spanish(a great idea and a fun trip for her), she was startled to come home and hear all the big, wild ideas her father and I had about celebrating her huge accomplishment. Live bands and country clubs were discussed. Banners and such. We stopped short of skywriting our congratulations, but just.

I never say how proud of her I am--I just tell her repeatedly how thrilled her dad and I are. I don't take credit for her successes (or her failures for that matter). She's a strong, dedicated, determined woman. She's earned this medical degree and anyone who ends up in the ER, needing her help, will be fortunate to have her on duty.

MOTHERHOOD: SHARE THE GLORY

Sometimes parenting sucks, but sometimes it's the most glorious part of being human. In holiday gift-giving expenditures, Mother's Day ranks fourth behind Christmas, Thanksgiving and Valentine's Day. Father's Day falls a sad sixth in spending, coming after Easter. This may be only a rough indication of the involvement of mothers versus fathers, but we tend to put our money where our hearts are.

Until the last twenty years, our society failed to see the importance of having active fathers in children's lives. This is sad for all involved. Mothers may get one glorious day, but they've borne the heavy burdens of parenting alone for way too long. Dads who don't have to change dirty diapers or go to teacher conferences may seem to have gotten a lighter load, but their un-involvement robs them of the same powerful influence and significance that moms have had.

Have you ever seen a pro athlete mouth "Hi Dad" to the camera?

Kids deserve two active parents and parents are at their best when functioning as a true team. How the parenting jobs are divided up matter less than that they are divided somewhat equally between both parents.

There are many tedious, frustrating requirements to raising us humans. We come into this world as squalling, messy entities filled with amazing potential and it's our parents' job to help us move forward into adulthood. Individuals who reach maturity with some level of self esteem and some awareness of their own capacity--well, they're ahead of the game.

I've often said that being in a relationship and being a parent are the two hardest jobs on the face of this earth. That's saying a lot when you consider how amazing we are. We build both rocket ships and bombs with incredible ingenuity. When we look around at the human race, we see both heartrending heroics and horrible cruelty.

We humans have great capacity...and the hardest roles we have are the ones involving our loved ones. The people who make us craziest are those closest to us. You can be brilliant and do amazing things in your profession, but bringing all those smarts home to your spouse and your kids can be really challenging.

So, Moms, share the parenting glory...and share the dirty work. You deserve a bubble bath and the kids' dad deserves to put them to bed. Everyone needs a little snuggle time.

REVENGE CHEATING

This is pay-back, pure and simple. A version of "you hurt me, so I'm going to hurt you." Be very careful if you're thinking along these lines. I totally get that having a mate--the person closest to you--cheat on you hurts like hell. In that distressed moment, you want to lash out, to make your lover understand how badly you've been hurt by his action.

But doing this just makes you a cheater, too, and you know what you think of his having broken his commitment to you. Do you--in your more rational moments--want to sink to his level?

The problem with revenge cheating is that it's cheating. No matter how you slice it, you will always have cheated, not just been cheated on. In this world of twisted tit for tat, you will have to some extent, have leveled the playing field. His transgression will matter less and that's not what you're going for, at all.

In all further discussion of his having stepped out on you, he will throw this in your face. He'll probably say that he only does this because you're throwing his having cheated in his face, but this kind of wound lingers. Even if he promises never to do this again and gives you all his passwords, plus total access to his cell phone, you're probably going to want to again bring up that you can't trust him.

You'll have questions about his cheating--probably lots of questions--and he'll use your having cheated as a deflection from his behavior.

Being cheated on can leave you feeling like you've been shredded. Everything you always counted on before can no longer be assured and, even though he sometimes seems like the guy you love, you'll struggle to move beyond this.

Couples can move beyond cheating, but only under certain conditions. The cheater has to completely renounce the extracurricular relationship. There can be no secrets and you have to learn to successfully address the issues that led to this breach in the first place. Cheating only happens in weakened relationships. Something wasn't right, even if there were lots of great things between you. In order to get beyond this, you both need to learn to talk about the things you've be so carefully not talking about all these years.

You need to learn to talk--and listen--about the issues that you've not settled before. The problems that have festered inside you both.

Either you walk away from a cheating lover or the two of you begin learning how to be different. Staying and trying to forget (or trying to get back to where you once were) doesn't heal the wound. Revenge cheating won't make you feel better in the long run and it's a big choice to make for short-term satisfaction.

DEPRESSION AND MEDICATION

We live in a very complicated world and sometimes we get depressed. Many choose to take medications to help with this, but a recent Harvard study showed that depression medication--for those who are mildly to moderately depressed--has no more impact than that of a placebo. For the severely depressed, medication was found to have more effect.

For some time, professionals have recommended that individuals seek therapy for depression, along with medication. Some, however, don't tolerate medication and choose to forego it altogether. Others don't like how these medications make them feel.

For some time now, many have used the phrase "chemical imbalance", referring to the belief that those who are depressed have some sort of medical condition that leaves the depressed with no option other than medication. Clients have even reported to me that their physicians have told them they'll "have to be on medication" for the rest of their lives.

Pretty scary stuff, not to mention how expensive it can get.

Let's talk about depression--

Life Situations

We get depressed when we suffer losses--relationships that end, the death of loved ones, job losses or major life changes. I tell clients that sometimes depression makes sense. This can be the functional response to a very trying situation. 

Scary Moments Ahead

It is commonly recognized by professionals that big changes--even so called "good"ones--can leave us struggling with depression. Not all postpartum depression is due to hormonal changes. Sometimes we just feel overwhelmed and ill-equipped.

Teens can experience depression due partly to their being at a pivotal place in their lives. They can feel like their jumping off a very big cliff into grown-up responsibilities. For the first time, they are being launched into a big world with lots of expecations of them. Frequently, they have significant expectations of themselves. These are typically smart kids who comprehend that everything is changing. As with having a newborn child, depression at these moments can be more confusing because this is what you wanted! You wanted to go off to college, to create a life of your own. You dreamed of having a family. Why are you now feeling so blue?

The Highly Competent

Some individuals who seek help for depression have never before been in a situations they couldn't handle. These individuals are accustomed to having others call them strong, even in the face of big challenges. In their lives, they've always shoved aside feelings of sadness, discomfort and loss and soldiered on. They deal. These folks almost always have had some tough situations in their lives that they've handled--usually very well--and they are distressed and bewildered to find themselves suddenly struggling with depressed feelings that they can't shake. Often, they tell me that there is no reason for this depression, as their lives are great.

These are all transitional moments--even if you can't see anything changing. Sometimes, we feel weighed down by depression because we need to change something, need to tweak our internal perspective a little.There are those with severe depression who can find medication to be life-saving and some in the middle of major transitions need to use medication like they'd use a crutch with a broken leg.

Sometimes, you need help while you're doing some healing/shifting. There's certainly no shame in needing a crutch.