UNDERSTANDABLE, BUT NOT SISTER'S PROBLEM

"I have an eleven year old sister that is very disrespectful to our mother. My mother has three other children and all have different fathers. My mother has messed up in the past with drugs, but is currently improving! Hannah, my sister, comes home from school everyday, does her homework, eats, and watches television. She is very lazy and does not do what is asked of her. She always comes home from school with an attitude towards our mother for no apparent reason. She is very mean and always seems irritated. My mother and her fiance are planning on getting married in May and my sister refuses to be in the wedding. I just do not understand why my sister always has a chip on her shoulder. I need your advice before we have an out of control teen on our hands, please!"--Frustrated Sibling

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Dear Sibling,

I know this must be very upsetting to you. You've probably stepped up to keep things as stable as you could while your mom struggled with her addiction and it seems now, when things are going better, that your sister is causing undue trouble. It's probably seemed like she had more of an active mother than you did and I'm guessing you often tried to fill the gap when times were difficult.

Let me just point out, however, that your sister's attitude and lack of helpfulness is more appropriately your mom's issue than yours. Even if you are now an adult(over 18) by age, your sister is not your child. She may be a pain, refusing to be in the wedding and all, but this is your mother's wedding and your mother's child. When parents have addiction issues, the elder children often step up, trying to parent younger siblings however they can. This can involve everything from struggling to keep a roof over your heads to feeding smaller mouths.

It's a very, very difficult job that you've probably done amazingly well for your age...but it's not your job. If your mother is less impaired now and staying straight, she has to pick up the pieces.

The sad thing about this mess is that you've become accustomed--by total need--to being the boss. This is a hard role for a kid and, when you're the child of an addict, sometimes the only significance you've found. You're used to being strong for everyone else. Used to putting your own needs last. And now I'm telling you to give up the only thing you've really had--the job of being the boss. It sucks, I know.

Your sister has no reason to respect your mom. She's not acted like a parent and you aren't her parent (no matter how much you've tried). Her insolence and lack of "helping" is what's to be expected, given the situation. Your sister's developmental age also adds to this being a rough time for all.

You may even be angry because your sister's behavior seems like it could derail your mom's recovery. You might be trying to take care of mom, too. So, not your job, hon.

Let me point out, though, that there are some things to be grateful for. Your sister is attending school and doing her homework. This may seem minimal, but it's more than many children of addicts do.

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There are wonderful and valid reasons for having children...and some really bad ones, too. The choice to become a parent isn't always a choice, but when individuals do take on this job, they need to look at why. This is a massively complicated choice, but we don't typically give it much thought.

Be honest about it, most of us become parents because of something we think the role will be cool. Lots of people ooh and ahh over babies and they seem like a ton of fun. They are cute and cuddly and, for the most part, very much worth the lack of sleep, but think seriously about what you have to offer a child and what becoming a parent will mean to your life before you dive in.

There are good reasons and bad ones. Sometimes individuals have children to make themselves make better choices--get off drugs, get an honest job, get into a stable place in your life. These reasons are movements toward a healthy life, but make the turn here before you have kids. Kids deserve better than parents who struggle with addiction and dysfunctionality.

Above all, don't have a child to give yourself a purpose or a reason to get straight. That's a heavy load on the kid, putting it right in the crosshairs of your issues. Get help for yourself. Don't run the risk of messing up what can be a tremendous joy.