DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY

"My family is constantly squabbling. We're more or less obsessed with being right and pointing fingers at the person who's wrong(always someone else). It doesn't really help that my son and husband...get so incensed that within seconds of the start of an argument, they're already shouting. They never actually listen to the other person's side of the argument and consider whether or not it's reasonable. When it's clear that one person isn't getting across to the other, we starting insulting each other, such as comparing one person to the father (who's known for his ill temper and violent nature) or to the mother (who's overweight and said to be careless with her money). We never get the arguments resolved and it seems like the only thing we get is more shouting and headaches.

My son is diagnosed with ADHD, but I see this as little reason to let him do whatever he wants. Whenever I come into his room while he's working (or gaming), he always tells me to 'bother someone else'. I've been working in the hallway in the house, and when I ask him not to sleep on the couch there because his snoring disturbs my work, he refuses to leave. He's also taken to heating up pieces of paperclips with a lighter, which I've asked him not to do because I'm worried he might hurt himself or set something on fire, but he disregards my warnings.

There's a total lack of connection between us. There was one time when I was having a webcam conversation with a friend...when my son came over to help me with a computer issue. He was a bit camera shy and so to disguise his nervousness, he started messing with my computer while I was chatting, occasionally blocking the camera with a piece of paper and other things. I just interpreted it as the things he normally did to annoy me, so I didn't do anything about it. At some point, he went and disabled the internet, and when I asked him to fix it, he told me to go fix it (myself). He said I shouldn't be using the webcam because it ruined the privacy of our house. He also said that since he'd paid for half the the laptop I was using, he had the right to tell me not to use it....I didn't know what to do, so I went outside for a walk. When I came back, he had accessed my computer and blocked all social websites on my computer--gmail, facebook, yahoo, etc. I got him to show me how to unblock them later when I got him to tell me why he was so upset.

I'd ask my husband to help me with my son, but he has taken to neglecting the situation and if he doesn't do something about it, we end up in screaming and yelling and nothing gets settled. I want to establish more calm in the house, so we can talk things out rationally. I don't want any more disasters like the one I described above."--Stressed Mother

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Dear Stressed Mother,

Number one, you have more going on here than squabbling and number two, you son does feel connected to you, just not in a good way.

Still, this can't be fun. The parental unit is the foundation for the family and you'll get the best results by you and your husband learning to work as a couple. If you two want to change the yelling, screaming part, you need to work on having different behaviors yourself. This can be difficult, but it is do-able.

I don't know if your son is an adult, a teen or a school-age kid, but his age doesn't make any difference--his behavior is unacceptable. That being said, he's not going to even try to change as long as he's witnessing that behavior from you and your husband. Why should he? (I'd tell you your son's being horribly rude, but I suspect there has been a lot of rude behavior in the family in general.)

The winning/losing thing usually occurs when individuals feel smaller and less powerful. This is seen often in foster kids who've witnessed really bad, sad behavior and who've suffered a great deal of loss. Do any of you in the family actually see your own personal power? It doesn't sound like any of you feel that the others care much.

It's very clear that no one in the home is listening to anyone else. That much is obvious.

Listening requires you to shut up, put your own thoughts and feelings aside long enough to actually get what the other person's saying. Not that you always agree with him, but that you understand how he feels and sees things. You'll need to repeat this back to him to make sure you heard right. We often stick our own interpretations in, failing to actually hear what's said. Sometimes what's meant isn't clearly spoken, either.

This is hard for lots and lots of folks, not just you.

If your son's an adult, he may feel he needs financially to stay in the home and resents this, at the same time. Having him there might provide a strange kind of comfort for you. Sometimes we get used to the status quo, even when it's not all that good. We get comfortable.

Change is scary, but lots of change is needed here.

* * *

Mental health issues have gotten a lot more acceptable in the last few years and this is a very good thing. Secrecy tends to make difficult experiences worse. Along with this growing acceptability, lots more people are taking medication for a variety of difficulties, including anxiety and depression.

These meds can be very helpful, but don't allow yourself to believe that pills alone will help you work out relationship issues. Your relationship will definitely be effected if one or both of you have mental health problems for which you need meds, but the actual conflicts between you? They need something more.

You need to communicate. Yes, the dreaded and over-used "C" word.

Don't surrender to the belief that you should just get over problems in the relationship. You might benefit from medication, but you'll still need to feel listened to and understood for your relationship to get better. You both need to feel valued and heard by your partner or the love between you will droop and die like a flower on a wilting vine.

Love needs care and feeding. So do you.