DON'T WANT TO BE A MOTHER?

"I am a 59 year-old mother of 2 adult children--a son who is 31 and a daughter, 28. I have 2 adult step-children and 6 grandchildren. I have a good relationship with all my kids, except for one. My son who I desperately want a relationship with. When my son was 6, his father and I divorced bitterly and my son took the brunt. He lived with my ex, while my daughter lived with me. The children were together every weekend, alternating between homes. Both my ex and I remarried and my son and daughter grew up being bounced around a lot. They experienced tremendous "good girl/bad boy" labeling. In addition, there was a lot of conflict and competition between families, including negative talk and a tug-of-war for the children. Looking back, I can definitely see why my son is upset, angry, disturbed and bitter about the past. BUT, his grudges seem to be directed just toward me and he doesn't act like he even wants a relationship with me. It's devastating. He's 31 now and I wish there was a way we both could heal and put the past behind us. He feels I have never "stuck up" for him through the years, while all I can remember doing was sticking up for him, even when I knew he was wrong and I was wrong for defending him. To make matters worse, he's married to a woman who is bitter toward me. They have pretty much teamed up against me and they now have a young daughter whom I desperately want to have a relationship with. I am lost. I asked to visit my granddaughter a couple of weeks ago. They said yes, and when I over, the visit turned into an attack session. I was completely overwhelmed. I didn't even know how to respond. I left and cried all the way home. I tried to communicate with letters, but my son analyzes my words and reads different messages into them. I can't win. I don't know where to go from here. I asked him to attend family counseling with me. No response yet, but I doubt he will do this. I just feel like I'm up against a wall with no way around it and no way to tear it down. Any words of wisdom will be appreciated."--M.N.

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Dear M,
It's ironic to get your email so close to Mother's Day. While it can be very fulfilling, parenting is only easy if you're not paying attention.

My first suggestion is for you to seek counseling for yourself. You'll gain much-needed support and some helpful insight. It sounds as if your son had a rough time growing up with his dad and you. Childhood is a vulnerable time and kids are greatly affected by what's going on between their parents.

Stop trying to get your son to act like none of this happened. He is bitter about the past and he has a right to be. It may be unfair that you're getting most of his hostility when both you and his father contributed to it but focusing on this doesn't help. This situation sucks, but you're not doing yourself any good with him when you point out how unfair he's being. Ignore your ex. He'll have to work out his own issues. You're son needs to vent and he needs to feel listened to. I get that you feel attacked and ganged up on (his wife seeing things from his viewpoint isn't unreasonable, though). BUT you need to stop defending yourself.

This is very hard when the accusations thrown at you are unfair, but defending yourself just leaves your son feeling like you haven't heard him. Talk to your counselor about how to handle your son's anger and bitterness. You need to listen to and reflect back the emotions your son shares--without "explaining" yourself. It's easier to do this if you think of yourself as a third party and try not to take his anger as a personal attack.

Tell him he has a right to be bitter. Tell him you have regrets. These are both true and your simply saying it will help him to feel you're listening.

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DON'T WANT TO BE A MOTHER?

I'm going to tell you something your parents will hate me for--it's okay not to want to have kids.

You don't have to be a parent, if you don't long for this. Parenting is a major choice and--even more than choosing a mate--it will have life-long consequences. You can divorce a husband if the marriage isn't working out, but children are a constant all the rest of your days. Being a parent can't be undone.

For most of my life, it was unthinkable for a woman not to want to have children. She was called selfish and cold if she didn't pine for the role. Men, it seems, get a pass, but women are supposed to crave motherhood. Don't get me wrong, some people, both men and women, do crave this in their lives. I intend no judgement or condemnation of them. For those who long to conceive and can't, the situation is brutal.

But not everyone wants to or needs to bear offspring. This should be okay. There are some who want lives that aren't conducive to providing the structure children need. Some people don't want the huge responsibility that comes with raising children. This doesn't mean they don't like kids. That's another whole thing. You may or may not enjoy children, but raising them is very different from enjoying them. I met a woman in my doctoral training who planned to be a child therapist. She was very good at being with kids and she didn't plan to have any of her own. She liked kids a lot, but she knew the terrific responsibility in having them and knew that she didn't want this.

This is the opposite of selfishness.

We act like the desire to have a child is somehow located in female DNA. Like it's a sex-linked trait. This isn't fair to women or to men. My husband longed for children; me not so much. To a large degree, our culture mandates that women are supposed to need to fill their wombs. Until recently, men had little role in this. They impregnated women and brought home a paycheck. Some men really resent this, and they have a point.

The role of fathers in children's lives has been increasingly researched and all the data supports that kids do way better if they have an active relationship with their dads. Girls are more likely to go to college; kids are less likely to be raised in poverty. Dads are really important.

Moms are important, too, of course, but all parents need to choose to have children, not have it wished or guilted on them. Would-be grandparents need to look around them and find kids who need grandparents in their lives. Lots of kids don't have this and they deserve love, too. Even if they don't look like you or have a blood relationship.

Parenthood should be a choice.