I DON'T WANT TO KNOW....

The parents of adult children often come to see me in great distress over the choices their children are making. They usually want me to convince their kids of the error of their ways and I get this. These parents have lived longer and often have seen that some choices lead only to heartbreak. The harsh reality here, though, is that adult children are just that--adults. They get to make bad choices, even though their parents are pained by watching them struggle with the consequences.
As a parent of adult children, sometimes I just don't want to know things about their lives. This sounds bad, but if I can't change--and shouldn't have the right to change--their scarier choices, I don't need to be closely involved in these. It just brings pain and distress with no benefit.

Adults have the right to direct their own lives. They get to choose bad mates and make poor career choices. They even get to be bad parents. It's a freedom that you may hate sometimes, but they deserve to direct their learning paths. Remember when you were growing into independence? Your parents probably had a lot of advice for you and, even if you later owned to the validity of what they said, you resented it at the time.
We all get to make our own mistakes, even those with horrific consequences. Watching someone you love do this is very painful. This is why I advocate selective involvment. Whether your sister is in a bad relationship with a man who yells at her and calls her demeaning names or your son is leaving what seems to you to have been a loving mate--you don't get to make the big calls in their lives.

Still, sitting by and watching all this can be extremely difficult and we need to protect ourselves from unnecessary distress. Step back. I'm not suggesting total abandonment. I just think you need to refrain from asking questions you don't want the answers to. You also need to avoid harping on changes you think they need to make: don't say things over and over. I know you only do this because it seems they aren't listening, but people don't listen to repeated interventions, either. They just tune you out.

Try to find a middle ground. Be loving and supportive, but not directive. Lots of parents of adults tell me with indignation that their adult kids seem to need direction and I know how frustrating it is to watch people make bad choice after bad choices.

You still need to keep from saying anything, unless directly asked and, even then, make sure the asker really wants to hear what you think. Roger and I are the parents of two very intelligent girls who've both made bad relationship choices, at times. We've had to bite our lips and just keep quiet.

The truth is that your continued harping on these issues just gives your loved one a distraction--they get to focus on you and your dislike of whatever(or whoever) their doing, rather than focusing on their own actions. If you hug them and stay somewhat involved in their lives, but don't tell them what to do, you are acting as if you believe in them. I know believing in them is hard, at this point, but if you really look inside yourself, you do believe in them. They have the capacity to direct their lives, even if they're not doing a great job at the moment.

Love is about allowing the other person to learn what they need to learn. After all, they need to know they can stand on their own feet, that they are strong and capable.

This kind of love is a gift...and it can be very difficult for the giver.

DON'T WANT TO BE A MOTHER?

"I am a 59 year-old mother of 2 adult children--a son who is 31 and a daughter, 28. I have 2 adult step-children and 6 grandchildren. I have a good relationship with all my kids, except for one. My son who I desperately want a relationship with. When my son was 6, his father and I divorced bitterly and my son took the brunt. He lived with my ex, while my daughter lived with me. The children were together every weekend, alternating between homes. Both my ex and I remarried and my son and daughter grew up being bounced around a lot. They experienced tremendous "good girl/bad boy" labeling. In addition, there was a lot of conflict and competition between families, including negative talk and a tug-of-war for the children. Looking back, I can definitely see why my son is upset, angry, disturbed and bitter about the past. BUT, his grudges seem to be directed just toward me and he doesn't act like he even wants a relationship with me. It's devastating. He's 31 now and I wish there was a way we both could heal and put the past behind us. He feels I have never "stuck up" for him through the years, while all I can remember doing was sticking up for him, even when I knew he was wrong and I was wrong for defending him. To make matters worse, he's married to a woman who is bitter toward me. They have pretty much teamed up against me and they now have a young daughter whom I desperately want to have a relationship with. I am lost. I asked to visit my granddaughter a couple of weeks ago. They said yes, and when I over, the visit turned into an attack session. I was completely overwhelmed. I didn't even know how to respond. I left and cried all the way home. I tried to communicate with letters, but my son analyzes my words and reads different messages into them. I can't win. I don't know where to go from here. I asked him to attend family counseling with me. No response yet, but I doubt he will do this. I just feel like I'm up against a wall with no way around it and no way to tear it down. Any words of wisdom will be appreciated."--M.N.

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Dear M,
It's ironic to get your email so close to Mother's Day. While it can be very fulfilling, parenting is only easy if you're not paying attention.

My first suggestion is for you to seek counseling for yourself. You'll gain much-needed support and some helpful insight. It sounds as if your son had a rough time growing up with his dad and you. Childhood is a vulnerable time and kids are greatly affected by what's going on between their parents.

Stop trying to get your son to act like none of this happened. He is bitter about the past and he has a right to be. It may be unfair that you're getting most of his hostility when both you and his father contributed to it but focusing on this doesn't help. This situation sucks, but you're not doing yourself any good with him when you point out how unfair he's being. Ignore your ex. He'll have to work out his own issues. You're son needs to vent and he needs to feel listened to. I get that you feel attacked and ganged up on (his wife seeing things from his viewpoint isn't unreasonable, though). BUT you need to stop defending yourself.

This is very hard when the accusations thrown at you are unfair, but defending yourself just leaves your son feeling like you haven't heard him. Talk to your counselor about how to handle your son's anger and bitterness. You need to listen to and reflect back the emotions your son shares--without "explaining" yourself. It's easier to do this if you think of yourself as a third party and try not to take his anger as a personal attack.

Tell him he has a right to be bitter. Tell him you have regrets. These are both true and your simply saying it will help him to feel you're listening.

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DON'T WANT TO BE A MOTHER?

I'm going to tell you something your parents will hate me for--it's okay not to want to have kids.

You don't have to be a parent, if you don't long for this. Parenting is a major choice and--even more than choosing a mate--it will have life-long consequences. You can divorce a husband if the marriage isn't working out, but children are a constant all the rest of your days. Being a parent can't be undone.

For most of my life, it was unthinkable for a woman not to want to have children. She was called selfish and cold if she didn't pine for the role. Men, it seems, get a pass, but women are supposed to crave motherhood. Don't get me wrong, some people, both men and women, do crave this in their lives. I intend no judgement or condemnation of them. For those who long to conceive and can't, the situation is brutal.

But not everyone wants to or needs to bear offspring. This should be okay. There are some who want lives that aren't conducive to providing the structure children need. Some people don't want the huge responsibility that comes with raising children. This doesn't mean they don't like kids. That's another whole thing. You may or may not enjoy children, but raising them is very different from enjoying them. I met a woman in my doctoral training who planned to be a child therapist. She was very good at being with kids and she didn't plan to have any of her own. She liked kids a lot, but she knew the terrific responsibility in having them and knew that she didn't want this.

This is the opposite of selfishness.

We act like the desire to have a child is somehow located in female DNA. Like it's a sex-linked trait. This isn't fair to women or to men. My husband longed for children; me not so much. To a large degree, our culture mandates that women are supposed to need to fill their wombs. Until recently, men had little role in this. They impregnated women and brought home a paycheck. Some men really resent this, and they have a point.

The role of fathers in children's lives has been increasingly researched and all the data supports that kids do way better if they have an active relationship with their dads. Girls are more likely to go to college; kids are less likely to be raised in poverty. Dads are really important.

Moms are important, too, of course, but all parents need to choose to have children, not have it wished or guilted on them. Would-be grandparents need to look around them and find kids who need grandparents in their lives. Lots of kids don't have this and they deserve love, too. Even if they don't look like you or have a blood relationship.

Parenthood should be a choice.

MAKING IT ALL BETTER

When you were a small child, you may have had a mother or grandmother who offered to kiss your boo-boos to make them all better. Now that you're grown up, you might wish it were that simple.

When you love someone, you want to help them through difficulties even when you could scream about all the bad choices they're making. It's often all jumbled up. The more you love someone, the more their foolish actions make you want to shake them. But even when your furious about whatever that loved one has done--messed up a job, got hooked on drugs or chosen the wrong mate--you still want to make it all better. It's natural to try to find a way to make the people you care about feel less bad about whatever they're upset about.

Even little things, like bad moods and crappy days, can bring a person down. You may realize that you have many blessings, but you can still get mad at the driver in front of you who's poking along like they're in a funeral procession.

Let me tell you what not to do: Don't try to talk the angry, sad or frustrated person out of their feelings. Don't list off all the good things in their lives. Don't tell them they should get over it. Feeling frustrated or upset is a natural response to many situations. It makes sense.

When a well-meaning friend tries to comfort someone this way, it rarely helps. If you want to help, listen to what they feel. Don't argue about this or say they shouldn't feel this way. As a matter of fact, you need to reflect back to that person what you're hearing. Use phrases that convey that you've heard them. It doesn't mean you agree with everything that's said, just that you heard.

"Wow, that must me tough."
"I can see how that made you really mad."
"It must be hard to know what to do."
"You probably felt angry and helpless."

These are reflective statements designed to convey to your loved one that you've been listening and you actually see their point. Be aware what you're not saying--you're not agreeing, you're not condemning anyone and you're not telling them what they should do.

Think about it--when you're upset do you really want someone telling you what you ought to do? This is typically not what we're seeking when we discuss challenges. After all, you are an individual with a perfectly good brain, even though you have lapses of judgement sometimes. Heck, we all have lapses of judgement sometimes.

You need to sort through your choices and possible responses to various situations and you need to decide what to do. This is your life and you'll deal with the consequences of your actions. You should really be the one to decide. Even though you may not feel really smart sometimes or in some situations, you really have more ability than you give yourself credit for.

Sometimes people come into my office, wanting me to tell them what to do. I can't because this is your life--it just isn't my call. I can explore possibilities with you, reflect your feelings and help you realize what these are(it's not always clear), but I'm not so arrogant to think that I have the right to decide how you're going to proceed with your life.

No one can "make it all better." You probably clued into the fact after awhile that kisses don't make the boo-boo disappear. They just help us feel less alone and that's a wonderful thing.

ARE ALL KIDS LIARS?

Lying is typically a way for the less-powerful to respond to the more-powerful, so most kids will lie. They're smaller and less powerful than you and they need you to survive. They also love you and don't want you mad at them, so yes, they lie. As a parent, this is a challenging situation. You want to be able to believe the words that come out of your children's mouths. It's natural not to trust people who lie to you and it's disturbing not to be able to trust your own children.

It's important for kids to learn that lying isn't a great way to deal with life. They need integrity and they need others to see them this way. We don't trust liars and sometimes this makes us not like them.

At the same time, as a parent you need to understand how lying works. It's very natural for children--less powerful--to use this behavior to cope. Many parents are shocked and dismayed when their children, who they love and have often made sacrifices for, lie to them. This feels like a big breach of the relationship, but try to remember the child doesn't typically mean it this way.

Children need to learn to see their choices and to be anchored in their personal power. Even though they often don't see their choices, options are there. Like all of us, we don't usually get the options we want, but we still get choices. Power lies in having choices. Kids have to learn how to handle this. They need to discover how to manage tough choices the same way we teach them to do math with fractions.

Lying doesn't necessarily mean a big character flaw. It's just a minimal coping strategy and we need to view it this way, while helping kids see their other options.

Sometimes we as adults fail to see children as people in their own right. We love them--sometimes madly--we just don't always treat them like they have brains. Learning to really listen to your children is very important. Not everything they say will be accurate or fascinating--not everything we say is this, either. We still want to be heard. Adults are prompt to insist kids respect them, but we don't always give them the same treatment.

There's no denying that as the parent, you have more power and more choices. You get your way more often. It doesn't sometimes feel like this to us parents, but this is the reality. Parenting is a massive, full-time, often consuming job. While it naturally involves being bigger and more powerful, it can suck.

But being a child isn't always a picnic, either. We tend to paint childhood as blissful and blessed. Don't kid yourself. Childhood can suck, too. We all need to recognize that along with the blessings of being a child, comes some serious expense. They are weaker and smaller. Not all kids have loving, thoughtful parents. We aren't always loving and thoughtful ourselves, but from a child's point-of-view, we're all-powerful and we always get things our way.

From the parents' point-of-view, this is comical.

So, kids lie. They do it to avoid punishment and parental anger. They need to learn better ways. It's just one more thing you, as a parent, need to teach your kids.

GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK

It's not at all uncommon for parents to talk with me about what they consider their parenting failures, moments when they've been bad parents. Don't get me wrong here, some people really do make awful parents and some are actively harmful to their offspring. But these are the exception.

I've said it before--parenting is one of the hardest jobs on this planet. This is in the nature of the role. To start with, it's a physically demanding, time-intensive job. You live with the child and the role all the time. Some fortunate individuals have mates who share in child rearing and they actually get moments away from being a parent. Others do it full-time and without resentment.

Some resentment, given the demanding aspects of this job, is very natural.

You start with a baby, generally, and you love it, care for it and watch out for any dangers that might threaten the child. As this individual grows, however, you deal with different stages. One might say, parent is a job that changes often. As kids' needs evolve, so does the role. So one day, you're very involved, working on homework and making sure chores are done and then, as your children enter the teen years, the homework is more and more their job. (You may still have to stay on them about the chores.)

Because of the intensive nature of the job and the fact that we're all fallible human beings, sometimes we screw up. We yell at our kids or fail to follow through on a consequence or have moments when we feel we just can't deal with whatever they're up to.

It's very important to give yourself a break and not to blame yourself for every bad behavior your child develops or think you can prevent them from having all bad experiences. You can't. Life involves both good and bad experiences and, while you want to protect your children, you can't always. Aside from the terrifying situations, such as kidnapping and assault(which sometimes happen no matter how vigilant you are), this world will present many situations which your children must deal with on their own. School testing, for instance.

Children also have minds of their own. You want this, really, but it can also be maddening and distressing. Kids get to make their own choices. You can't be their for the play ground friend-making and you can't force them to get good grades. Their independence comes early. Think of potty training or getting them to eat green vegetables when they were small. It's very important for you to approach parenting with an awareness of and respect for your children's ability to decide. You want determined kids, but they can't always be steered in the best directions. Sometimes your children--as young kids or adults--make choices that scare and sadden you.

This is profoundly painful. You can't fix it and yet you suffer. You have to let the kids work out their own challenges and the earlier you start this(while still keeping them safe), the better.

Even really good, really loving parents sometimes have kids who make bad, bad choices. As a society, we often blame parents for children's choices and this isn't fair. We need to get clear that parents are to judge themselves on their own behavior, not on their children's choices. These are two different things.

And when you judge yourself on your actions, be kind.

REACHING HUMBLE

This may seem like an abstract subject to some, but how you view yourself is very important and we're confused about the subject.

High self-esteem is good. Don't let yourself doubt this, no matter who says you should think you're a worm. (Actually earthworms are pretty important!) You need to see your good points--the aspects of yourself that are pretty good--to enable you to be able to see yourself accurately. Feeling good about certain tendencies and about your ability to make choices is a good thing.

At the same time, humble is a good place to be. Humble is one of those words we get confused about. The word can be defined as "not arrogant or proud" or "having a feeling of insignificance" and I'm talking about the first definition, not the latter. Self image is a challenging thing because it drives so much of your actions. How do you feel about yourself? Assessing yourself accurately is important because it motivates so many of your choices.

People who feel good about themselves don't hurt others. It's typically when you feel small or threatened that you lash out against your fellow human beings. Those who kill and main aren't feeling their own personal power. They view themselves as having only bad choices. Striving to feel powerful by the damage you do, isn't the path to truly feeling good about yourself. The horrible acts in this world are perpetrated by those who feel small and insignificant. They strive to find some significance in the hurting of others, but that's not the way to gain good self-esteem.

You need to see your options--even if these aren't always great--to realize that you're in charge of your own choices. The great Viktor Frankl survived the German concentration camps in WWII and out of his experiences wrote Man's Search for Meaning. He went on to earn both a M.D. and a Ph.D. and wrote eloquently about the value of choice, even when the choices don't look good. At least, you get to decide on your direction.

Being truly humble means knowing your own strengths, as well as, your weaknesses. Feeling that you're an okay person helps your to recognize the areas you need to develop. We all have them.

Reaching humble is a challenging personal goal. It's a delicate balance between knowing your strong points and knowing the areas in which you could use some development.

Liking yourself isn't a crime. It helps you be a better person.

FIXING YOURSELF FIRST

Clients frequently come into counseling, reporting problems with their mates, but saying that they need to fix themselves first. Then they plan to work on the relationship. Individual therapy is certainly your right and you can be as private in this as you like. Coming alone is sometimes a relief to people because they can talk freely, rather than choosing words that won't upset their mates.

There is, however, no wall separating your individual self from the one in the relationship. You have to know that your personal issues impact the relationship, just as the relationship problems impact you. We can't get out of this. So, while coming alone may seem like the best start, you might want to consider couples counseling, if there are things to address in the relationship.

Don't think that all the problems in the relationship are your fault. It's not possible because the power in a relationship goes both ways. Both people and their wishes matter. The power is evenly distributed, even if it doesn't feel that way. Responsibility and power go hand in hand. Therefore, everything can't be your fault. Not possible. If all the responsibility was yours, you'd also have all the power. This isn't likely.

We don't tend to live or to learn in isolation. There's always someone else--mates, children, even co-workers--who see us at our best and worst. The individuals closest to you are the ones who's perspective you need to listen to.

Let's just acknowledge that some families and some couples are so disturbed and dysfunctional that the feedback offered is tainted. It's just a reality and you can't fix others or make your family members change(even if they really need to). You have to decide if you can find a sane way to keep them in your life or just get out. If you want to stay in your relationship, you need to learn how to handle issues there.

Big problems can be resolved in relationships. Don't doubt this. Even very tumultuous relationships can resolve into functional patterns. People with bad, scary issues can learn to function better, if this is what they want.

We learn best in relationships. We deal with our own issues most productively when we have a mate who is just as committed to growth. Of course, it's very important that your mate be able to hear you when you reflect their stuff back to them. Listening needs to go both ways. This is the biggest issue couples face. It may sound silly and trite, but most problems in relationships can be traced back to not understanding the other person and understanding starts with listening.