IN HIS BEST INTEREST

When you feel loved and happy in a relationship, you want what’s best for your mate and you know your mate wants the same for you.

 Ask yourself if you want your mate to achieve his or her goals. Do these conflict with what you want in life? If so, you need to look at the deeper issues involved.

 Couples often struggle with issues of money, angry that their partners are spending in a way they don’t like. Even when paying the bills isn’t a problem, couples argue and disagree over how money is spent. Usually, one or both spouses thinks the items purchased are unnecessary or frivolous. They begrudge expenditures and fight about spending too much or not being able to spend anything. The money issue is the number one reason relationships fail.

Money conflict usually has nothing to do with the money. Even if you suddenly win the lottery and you have cash to spare, your relationship won’t necessarily be smooth.

 Many deeper issues feed into these disagreements—do you feel loved by your mate? Do you feel like more is owed to you or nothing is owed to you? Do you have a right to financial equality? Sometimes this comes down to who has the power in the relationship. Does the one who earns more deserve the right to spend more?

Other issues commonly come into play with how you spend. If these aren’t openly addressed, they’ll pop up somewhere else. We’re sometimes devious in expressing our conflicts.

Several years back when my husband and I were starving graduate students, we needed to buy another car. Because we’d by then resolved the issue of whether or not to have kids, we were purchasing a used four-door white Oldsmobile that would accommodate car seats…and it just about broke my heart. I’m a roadster person. I love small, fast, agile cars. Other goals had taken precedence and I cried as we drove to pick up that Oldsmobile. Even when my startled husband said we didn’t have to buy this car, I knew it was the best option.

Fast forward through graduate school and I was startled and thrilled when my husband found a way to afford a beautiful, hot, little roadster for me. While he enjoyed driving my Honda S2000, he’d never have bought this for himself. It wasn’t what he wanted, but he knew it was what I wanted.

When you feel your needs are considered and placed at a high priority, you’re more likely to want your mate to get what he wants. If you find yourself resenting your mate’s attainments, you need to look at what you’re doing for yourself. Getting what you need is important to both of you.