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We get in trouble when we
anticipate or assume that our kids are just like us. Years ago, my daughter
dated a boy who was the eldest of five children. He was a nice kid. When I
later met his mother, she was clearly a unique person, a woman of intelligence,
high career achievement and unusual perspective. Ours was a very casual
interaction, but when we talked, she mentioned that all five of her kids were
just like her.
This is unlikely just from a
statistical angle, but we parents sometimes have odd expectations. Look around
you and you’ll find many instances when children are very different from their
parents, even physically. You inherited a pool of genetics and you passed a
portion on to your child, mingled with that of the other parent. The kid’s not
just like you. You may not even be a match if they need blood or a liver
transplant.
Biology aside, human beings have
unique minds and spirits—and widely varying opinions. You need to know that
your child may vote for a different presidential candidate than you and will
probably pick a different mate than you would pick for her.
My second child has always looked
more like my side of the family…and she thinks more like her father than me.
Having a kid who looks like you
can be a great boost to your ego. Particularly if the kid is a star in some way,
but we get into trouble when we expect our children to be just like us. Are you just like your folks? You may go to the same
church or share the same hobbies, but we need to remember that our children are
people in their own rights. They get to have opinions we don’t share, make
relationship choices we wouldn’t make and screw up in their own particular
ways. After all, you screwed up in your own way. They deserve the same right.
Achievement in this life comes in
lots of flavors. Your child may differ wildly from you, but that doesn’t make
her choices and preferences wrong.
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