REMORSE? EXTRACT THE LEARNING

"I want help from you to save our marriage. We had a love marriage based on understanding each others feelings. We love each other a lot but still a lot of things are going wrong. My hubby has no time at all. We've been married two years and we haven't spend a single whole day together. All the time he is busy. I agree that he has work, but one day in a year isn't manageable? I want his time, but he has no time for me. When he returns home from work, he sits watching TV. If I try to touch him or speak to him, he says move, let me see that programme. He kiss me only in bed, once before and once after sex. He doesn't try to know if I am satisfied in bed. If I tell him I'm not satisfied, he says it's because I' not interested in having sex with him. If by chance any romantic scene comes on the TV, he changes the channel immediately if I am with him. If I'm not there, he will watch it. I wonder if he's the person who shared and cared my feeling before marriage. I feel lonely at home without him. This makes me cry so many times. When he sees me crying, he asks why I'm crying. He asks what torture he's given me to make me to cry like that. He says I don't want to live with him. He tells me to leave him and go, that he will live without me. He says our marriage is going to break one day, if I continue to cry like this. But I cry for him only, because I miss him. If I tell him we should go out, he says it would be odd to roam like lovers. I've tried to explain him my feelings to him, but then he says again that I should leave if I'm so unhappy. I don't know how to tell him that what I need is him and his time. Please help me. Am I wrong? Am I a bad wife? I do all that I can to love him. I don't think I'm wrong in any way. Am I crazy? Inspite of all this, I think he really loves me. but something is going wrong."--Lonely Wife

*

 





Dear Lonely Wife,

You say your husband loves you, but you also said over and over that you don't feel loved. You and your husband have fought about your crying, but have you told him that you want him to spend more time with you--without the television on? You want to save your marriage and I understand that, but I'm not sure that you and your husband want the same thing.

If he works hard, he's probably trying to de-stress by watching television. Even so, this relationship isn't giving you both what you want and marriages that don't do this, don't usually last.

##

 

 

REMORSE? EXTRACT THE LEARNING





 

Everyone makes mistakes. We all fail sometimes. We lose jobs or relationships, sometimes because we've screwed up.

 

I trained under a man who claimed to have no regrets, but I think this attitude blocks our learning. I've made stupid choices, trusted the wrong people and headed down blind alleys. I think this is part of the human condition--we all make mistakes, but I think we limit ourselves if we don't take these opportunities to learn.

 

It doesn't help to get lost in regret. Even if we've hurt others and damaged ourselves, we need to look around for the good. This can be very difficult if the situation if we feel tremendous remorse, but every rough time has its lessons. You're short-changing yourself if you don't get the lesson. Why? is a great question, if you don't load it with blame and self-hatred. You need to understand why you did whatever you did, but the learning will be blocked if you wallow in beating yourself up. Try to be objective about it. I know this can be very difficult, if you've messed up pretty badly, but if you want to be a better person, you need to look at your choices without ugly emotions.

 

Take a deep breath and look at the choices you made. Ask yourself why and don't settle for any answer that's a variation of "...because I'm an idiot."

 

We all have some basic emotional needs--we want to feel special, to be loved, to feel vindicated. We want to achieve...and sometimes we trample other people to get to our goal. We struggle with self-belief and self-involvement. We have a hard time seeing others' perspectives, particularly when they're different from our own.

 

But you're not a total screw-up.

 

Think of it this way--you're not allowed to say anything about yourself that you wouldn't say about your best friend, in the same situation. And don't tell me your best friend wouldn't do something like you've done because we all make bad choices sometimes. All of us.

 

Forgiving yourself doesn't mean you think whatever you did--or didn't do--is okay. It doesn't mean you'd make the same choice again. It just means that you're still a worthwhile person. Looking at yourself without blame allows you to take from the situation all the learning that's there for you. This is important because you don't want to be here again.

 

DON'T BE AFRAID(TO SAY GOODBYE)

I've always said that, as a therapist, I'm trying to work my way out of a job. The point of the whole thing is for you to get better, do better, feel better. And not need to come see me anymore.

It's really nice to have someone to listen to you--and this is a big problem in most relationships--but I'm here to help you better connect to others in your world. Not to connect to just me. I want to help you find people to listen without a diagnosis or a credit card involved.

It's very important that you feel understood and valued by any therapist you're seeing. This is huge as it makes you more comfortable when talking about issues that can be difficult. I have a sign in my office that tells clients I won't speak to them first if I see them in public. We live in the same area and potentially go to the same stores and restaurants, but I never want clients having to explain me to whoever they're with. It's no one's business, but yours. Understand that I'm always glad to see you; I just don't want you having to explain me or talk to me, if you don't want.

Going to therapy can seem weird and wrong. It may seem like you're paying someone to care about you. You may struggle to tell a stranger very personal things about your life. On the other hand, sometimes a stranger is just what you want. Someone you don't have to face again, if you don't want. Someone without a vested interest, beyond you doing well.

Don't feel like you owe me anything(beyond your fee. Gotta pay the electric bill). Therapy is all about you. It's focused on you and how you feel and what you need to learn to make your life better. It's common that when clients get to this point in therapy, they just don't come back anymore. No cancellation, no statement to the therapist. They just evaporate. I think its from awkwardness. They don't know how to tell the therapist that they don't need her anymore(they think) or they think I'll be hurt by them going on with their life and not coming in to see me.

No, I really am trying to work my way out of a job. There's no shame in struggling toward a better place. If you falter and want to come back, I'll understand. But getting better is a good thing. Not needing to talk anymore about your issues is a good thing.

So when you've learned what you need to learn, when you want to take a break from the sometimes-exhausting process. When you don't need to come back, it's okay to say goodbye.

NOT NECESSARILY A CHIP OFF THE OLD BLOCK

When my first child was born, I looked down at her and was immediately struck that she bore a great resemblance to her father. She looked just like him, minus the mustache. Fortunately, he’s got great genes. Ironically, this daughter’s personality is more like me.

We get in trouble when we anticipate or assume that our kids are just like us. Years ago, my daughter dated a boy who was the eldest of five children. He was a nice kid. When I later met his mother, she was clearly a unique person, a woman of intelligence, high career achievement and unusual perspective. Ours was a very casual interaction, but when we talked, she mentioned that all five of her kids were just like her.

This is unlikely just from a statistical angle, but we parents sometimes have odd expectations. Look around you and you’ll find many instances when children are very different from their parents, even physically. You inherited a pool of genetics and you passed a portion on to your child, mingled with that of the other parent. The kid’s not just like you. You may not even be a match if they need blood or a liver transplant.

Biology aside, human beings have unique minds and spirits—and widely varying opinions. You need to know that your child may vote for a different presidential candidate than you and will probably pick a different mate than you would pick for her.

My second child has always looked more like my side of the family…and she thinks more like her father than me.

Having a kid who looks like you can be a great boost to your ego. Particularly if the kid is a star in some way, but we get into trouble when we expect our children to be just like us. Are you just like your folks? You may go to the same church or share the same hobbies, but we need to remember that our children are people in their own rights. They get to have opinions we don’t share, make relationship choices we wouldn’t make and screw up in their own particular ways. After all, you screwed up in your own way. They deserve the same right.

Achievement in this life comes in lots of flavors. Your child may differ wildly from you, but that doesn’t make her choices and preferences wrong.

IN HIS BEST INTEREST

When you feel loved and happy in a relationship, you want what’s best for your mate and you know your mate wants the same for you.

 Ask yourself if you want your mate to achieve his or her goals. Do these conflict with what you want in life? If so, you need to look at the deeper issues involved.

 Couples often struggle with issues of money, angry that their partners are spending in a way they don’t like. Even when paying the bills isn’t a problem, couples argue and disagree over how money is spent. Usually, one or both spouses thinks the items purchased are unnecessary or frivolous. They begrudge expenditures and fight about spending too much or not being able to spend anything. The money issue is the number one reason relationships fail.

Money conflict usually has nothing to do with the money. Even if you suddenly win the lottery and you have cash to spare, your relationship won’t necessarily be smooth.

 Many deeper issues feed into these disagreements—do you feel loved by your mate? Do you feel like more is owed to you or nothing is owed to you? Do you have a right to financial equality? Sometimes this comes down to who has the power in the relationship. Does the one who earns more deserve the right to spend more?

Other issues commonly come into play with how you spend. If these aren’t openly addressed, they’ll pop up somewhere else. We’re sometimes devious in expressing our conflicts.

Several years back when my husband and I were starving graduate students, we needed to buy another car. Because we’d by then resolved the issue of whether or not to have kids, we were purchasing a used four-door white Oldsmobile that would accommodate car seats…and it just about broke my heart. I’m a roadster person. I love small, fast, agile cars. Other goals had taken precedence and I cried as we drove to pick up that Oldsmobile. Even when my startled husband said we didn’t have to buy this car, I knew it was the best option.

Fast forward through graduate school and I was startled and thrilled when my husband found a way to afford a beautiful, hot, little roadster for me. While he enjoyed driving my Honda S2000, he’d never have bought this for himself. It wasn’t what he wanted, but he knew it was what I wanted.

When you feel your needs are considered and placed at a high priority, you’re more likely to want your mate to get what he wants. If you find yourself resenting your mate’s attainments, you need to look at what you’re doing for yourself. Getting what you need is important to both of you.

EXTRACT LEARNING FROM MISTAKES

"I would like some advice on a situation that happened 20 years ago. When I first started dating my wife our children, my 10 year old daughter and her 12 year old son had some sexual acting out.

We immediately took action and sent the boy to a treatment center for a year. My daughter went through five years of counseling in her teens for other reasons but the acting out was discussed. It involved oral sex and my daughter tells me now it was aggressive behavour on my step sons part.

The problem is this, she is now going to have a child and does not want her step brother to be around the child. I feel like I am in the dark. I did not think two children acting out could be called sexual abuse but she is insistant that is what happened. That she is the victim and he the predator But her stance to split the family over it does not seem healthy.

I of course want to be sensitive to my daughter but I do not want to be subject to emotional black mail. If she is truly dealing with this, she should be healing and forgiving.

At the same time I am having a problem with the monster she is making her step brother into when they were both kids at the time and it seems different to me than an adult and a child.

Please advise me of how I should view the situation and what healing steps to take."

*

Dear Dad,

 

First off, I want to commend you for sending your step-son for treatment. This is a very difficult situation for everyone, but getting him help was smart.

 

Secondly, the state of Texas(where I'm located) considers it sexual abuse/assault when there was at least a two-year age difference between the victim and the perpetrator. According to the law, this wasn't just "sexual acting out" between kids. Your daughter was a victim. Children are very aware of the power differential when someone is older they are. (This is why they lie to their parents, at times.) The difference in age meant that she felt less powerful than he and unable to stand up to him.

 

Irregardless, the issue here is one family member being uncomfortable around another.

 

You can't just tell her to get over it. Healing isn't necessarily visible on the outside. I think forgiveness is often mistaken for us acting as if the offense never happened. She doesn't need to let the situation control the rest of her life. She may have decided to allow the laws of the land and the universe to deal with him. However, it's possible to move on and not cling to the victim stance without welcoming the offender back into your life. Actually, it usually makes more sense.

 

I recommend that you not insist on seeing your daughter and grandchild when your stepson is there. Respect her experience and make other arrangements. This shouldn't be a big deal. With family members being strung across the country and adult kids having multiple family obligations, parents often have multiple holiday celebrations.

 

**

 

 

EXTRACT LEARNING

 

Bad things happen in every life. Sometimes we make the wrong choices and we live to regret these, but the important thing is to learn from every one of these bad situations. We can't avoid slipping and falling. Sometimes we handle our parenting situations all wrong. We do something stupid at work. We really foul up our relationships.

 

Guilt and regret are the by-products of poor choices, but don't let these feelings get in the way of your learning. It's a sad fact that humans don't generally learn by someone telling us stuff; we have to make the wrong choice before we understand that it's the wrong choice.

 

When you do something stupid, there's a lesson to be learned, something important to take from the situation. If you spend your energy on wishing you'd done something different (understandable, but not helpful) or hating whatever lousy thing occurred in your life, you miss the lesson that's there for you. Every choice you make has consequences. Some of these consequences are wonderful and terrific. Some aren't. Before you give yourself heck for the bad choices you've made, take some time to examine the moment.

 

What was going on with you at the time of your bad choice? If you respond that you're just stupid or that you must have had your head up your posterier, then you're still struggling to get to an objective point of reference on this thing. Everyone screws up. Repeat this, Everyone screws up! There's no perfect life, no human being on this planet who hasn't messed up. Doesn't matter how smart you are, we all make bad choices.

 

Then try your best to look at what was happening to you when you messed up. Were you anxious, frustrated, unhappy with your job or your marriage, feeling like your actions didn't matter, anyway? I'm not recommending you find excuses, but that you take into account the full picture. I'm not saying It's okay that you did this bad thing because you were upset. We've already established that the choice had unfortunate consequences. Not okay! You don't want this result again.

 

If you really want to move forward, to take all the learning you can get from the choices you've made. We are fortunately pretty good at generalizing learning, so we don't have to make every bad choice in the universe. So, look at your experience and try to understand what was happening in your head. The more you understand, the more you can ensure that the bad thing won't be chosen again.

 

Then forgive yourself. Again, not saying that it's okay when the choice obviously wasn't okay, but that you're okay. Every one of us have difficult times, days when we feel crabby and unhappy, times when we're not totally focused. Even those of us with big jobs, big responsibilities and big expectations.

 

Forgive yourself by understanding the experience you were having and the situations into which you put yourself. Learn what you need to learn, then give yourself a break.













IT'S OKAY TO QUIT

"My mom and dad divorced when I was two. My dad physically abused my mom, so she took me and left. They tried again a few months later and the abuse escalated. He broke her glasses, pulled her hair, slapped her and pushed her down. They separated for about 13 years. Then later when I was 15-16, I got curious and wanted to meet him. We got in contact with his mother and then he came to visit. They jumped right back into a relationship after my mom had told me they wouldn't. I got upset and he left because it was just a visit.

Fast forward 5 years again and my mom is trying a 4th time with him. They jumped back into the relationship and it's not working. They fight almost every day. For a long time, he didn't look for work, he sat in the bed and watched TV and movies all day everyday. He drove my mom around for work because she had to give up her car. They fight and yell all the time. I left to stay with a boyfriend for awhile, thinking they might do better without me. They didn't. They still fought and abuse one another. My boyfriend and I broke up and I came home. Things got even worse.

All they do is fight. Dad blames her and then she blames him, getting worse and worse until we all started abusing each other. We've all still been trying to do anything to make it work. We tried family meetings, tried typing up how we felt about everything and what all of us need to work on as a family. Our last shot is counseling.

I've gotten to the point where I just want my dad to leave. He's threatened to leave 3 times since he's been here and my mother wants him to leave, too. Every time they fight or all of us fight, he comes in the next morning, crying or trying to make up and says he's really trying to change. I think the situation is too volatile for my mom or I to be near him, but he says he has to stay here, refuses to go.

What do you think? Do you think he should leave? He continues living here, but doesn't pay rent, instead spending his money on toys. I want him gone, I've made that extremely clear. Please respond as soon as possible."--Please Help

*

Dear Daughter,

 

You know he needs to leave. If your dad's name is on the lease, however, your mother can't kick him out. If the physical abuse is on-going, your mother and you can go to a shelter and she can file charges on him. Even if the abuse is no longer physical, this is a bad situation. Even if your mother's or your name is on the lease, you need to seriously consider breaking it. No one should live in the distressing situation you describe, even if it's not always bad, it's still bad.

 

I don't know your exact age, but you're obviously an adult. If your mom doesn't get out of this mess, you need to consider your own safety. You can get out of this insanity and make a life for yourself.

 

 

##

 

IT'S OKAY TO QUIT

 

Somehow we've gotten the crazy idea that it's bad to quit even bad situations. While kids probably need to stick out a season of baseball--if they wanted to sign up--most other things that don't work for you, don't work for you. It's only smart to change course, if doing so is in your best interest.

 

The don't be a quitter philosophy has major limitations. Yes, you need to learn to stick out difficult situations, if there's something to be gained by it--some skill to be learned, some course to be passed or a lesson to be learned. But misery is misery. There had better be a good reason for it.

 

If you don't like a situation, a job, a career or a marriage, then get out. Those bad situations that can't be fixed, need to be changed. This gets more complicated when we're talking about a relationship and kids, but the problems need to be fixed--get professional help. No shame in this--or you need to get the heck out.

 

Survival may be fun to watch on reality television, but it's not good to live your live like you're running a marathon. Your job, your living situation and your relationship all need to benefit you, in some way. Living your life like you're in an endurance contest is draining and demeaning. You need to learn to stick out tough times only if you're actually getting something out of this. There's no badge of courage for sticking out an unhappy marriage.

 

You deserve better. Some things, some situations and some people deserve to be quit.  





THE PERFECT WEDDING DAY?

Much has been written about bridezillas and the "its-all-about-me" attitude that some women have when it comes to planning a wedding. Let's be honest, though, most of us like being special, feeling the focus of those around us. For some reason, guys don't have the wedding fantasy. They've grown up with fantasies of throwing the perfect touchdown in the big game or being the hero that saves the day.

Some women speak of having dreamed of their perfect wedding ever since they were girls. Everything from the wedding showers with loads of gifts to the beautiful dress are part of the fantasies, but this life event--joining your life with someone else--is about way more than the wedding. Planning a big wedding is usually exhausting and family issues often come into play. Beyond the drama trauma of all this, you have to decide how to be married. How to be a couple.

Unless you married straight out of school, you've created an independent life of your own and you probably haven't had to "report" to anyone. For some individuals, being a couple feels like it requires this because you're not just you anymore. What you do and don't do, where you go and who you go with and how you do or don't spend your money all effects your mate. When you're part of a couple, you have to consider more than just your preference.

Getting comfortable with this--heck, knowing how to do it!--is a learning process way beyond picking out a china pattern.

Lots of people enjoy watching House Hunters on T.V. Sure, looking at the various houses is interesting, but you can also see the challenges of melding two lives into one. In truth, learning the mindset of really being married takes a while and some couples never get there. The conflicts cluster around decision-making. When you're a committed couple--whether legally married or not--you have to find a way to  make decisions jointly.

These are the moments you'll really feel married. It has nothing to do with the kind of flower arrangements you decide to have at the church or what cummerbund the groomsmen wear. You'll have a thousand moments to work together--big and little--and you'll find that both of these stir emotions in you.

I never felt more married than when I signed my (married) name a hundred times at the closing on the first house we bought. Joint efforts like buying a house and having kids(or not) will help you become the couple you've chosen to be. You have a zillion personal moments--how you handle your education or your job--and you'll have that many moments to become a couple. You get to decide how you handle your family-of-origin; you and your mate will decide if you have a family together(through adoption or gestation).

Becoming a couple is a process and it can encourage you to be a better version of yourself--or not. Only you can make these decisions and this is right in that you'll be the one experiencing the consequences of these, good or bad.