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Just ask the kids in a family—they know which is their parents’ favorite. Most of the time, it’s probably no big deal. At least, not now. You’ve had a while to get used to it and you’re an adult, after all.
But this can make the holidays complicated and leave you exhausted after time spent with family. You’re supposed to love being with your family, right? Those families that are somewhat functional, anyway. But the currents that lie under family interactions make this challenging for some.
For many, the holidays aren’t joyful.
Some parents are scrupulous in being fair. They give their kids gifts that are equal in monetary value. Sometimes, this is a parent’s way of trying not to be preferential when they do, in fact, prefer one kid. While the gifts are usually appreciated, and the topic of the parental favorite may not be openly discussed, children know. They know what kid is which parent’s favorite and, when talking about it, they can come up with specific moments in their lives when this was very clear. There’s usually a lot of emotion involved in the subject.
This can be a tough situation, even for the kid who is the favorite. In some families, the preferred child suffers negative consequences of this role —from the other parent or from his siblings. Resentment can be strong. Of course, along with this comes some gloating. I’m mom’s favorite, they may have said when they were younger.
Sometimes, parents give more of their time and money to the child who seems to need them most, the one who’s struggling. The unemployed kid or the one who’s perpetually under-employed and financially needy. The kid who has a physical limitation or a bad marriage. While the issues of parental time, money and love are complex, everything is made more difficult when need enters the picture as a significant factor. The complicated role of parent is part of the problem. From the moment of birth, the parent is responsible for the child. Some parents grow very, very accustomed to this. They see their children as a reflection on them—and even when the kids are adults—still try to parent.
Then there’s also the factor that, as parents age, they’re prone to gravitate towards situations where they still feel important. Significant. If an adult child needs a parent for money, or some other kind of help, the parent may feel less loss of power as they get older. Age can suck. With it, comes a diminishing of physical power and changes in financial resources. Parents may cling to a care-taking role that has given them importance.
Still, the other kids--the ones who’ve never asked for a loan or who have always repaid these--can get annoyed when it seems like money pours out on another child. Do you get penalized for success? Your parents’ time and money is spent on the loser kid or on the one who chose not to get a profession? What about the preferred kid who’s always been the “Golden Child”? Never screwing up…always perfect. This kind of favorite can leave the others quietly cheering when they get fired or divorced.
If you’re the preferred child—the one everybody in the family turns to or the one who needs the most—you can change this. You need to look at your own actions. How are you participating in this pattern? Are you glorying in the “beloved” position without seeing the limitations? You may be contributing to the thing you say you hate.
Those non-preferred children may have to accept that parental preference is usually more about the parent, than about the kids. You can find a peace about this if you accept that your parent is a flawed human being, with her own issues, like the rest of us. You still won’t like the preferential thing, but it helps if you don’t personalize it. Having a parent who prefers another child, doesn’t mean anything about you.
Sort this out for yourself before your parent dies. Family law specialists see too many families fighting over a parent’s estate out of emotional issues. Remember, you need to feel okay about yourself. See your own successes. Value your own strengths. Doing this lessens resentment and brings you peace. That’s really what’s most important.
