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She is an alcoholic and I've learned not to take phone calls from her after 5 pm. I know that sounds silly, but it protects me because she says a lot of things that upset me. A day after counseling, my phone rang. Since it was after 5, so I let it go to voice mail. It turns out the she had called me by accident and my voice mail recorded her talking to my grandmother. My mother had been drinking and she said terrible things about me. Most of them were lies! I felt so betrayed. I really believed she was going to change and be a mom (which I never felt I had)! My mom was molested by her dad and abused by my father, so I know she has suffered.
It all makes sense to me now why my grandmother says terrible things to me! Anyone that really knows me thinks so differently about me. I am not sure what to do. I know I can't have a relationship with her, even though I desperately want one! It's so hard because I want my children to have grandparents, but I feel it's not healthy. I feel so sad... Any suggestions?"--Daughter Trying So Hard
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Dear Daughter,
I've got a sad piece of news for you: You're right. You can't have the relationship you want to have with your mother. While this is distressing, you need to protect yourself better than you have been doing. Some individuals in your position end all ties with the offending parent, even though this is painful.
Your children deserve better and so do you.
With active alcoholism, counseling has limited impact. Your mom may want to change, but she wants alcohol more at this point. If you can't cut off all contact, hold firm to your policy of not accepting calls after five...and don't listen to drunken voice mail. Just delete these.
It's important to acknowledge that we can't change other people. They have free will, just as we do. This means they get to decide the lives they live, even when their choices make no sense to you.
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Too many adults deal with sexual trauma--rape by strangers or people they know. This is a real issue when the individual is impaired by either alcohol or drugs. When not in a clear frame of mind, she doesn't have all her faculties at her command.
Typically, women are victims of sex crimes--usually by their partners--but men can also be sufferers.
Like childhood sexual abuse, self-blame can be a large issue. Childhood sexual trauma usually earns a quick It wasn't your fault! But adult sexual trauma can leave impression of blame, particularly when the victim's behavior is discussed. Even the victim can believe she or he was asking for it. Let's be very clear--No one asks to be assaulted. Ever. No article of clothing is revealing enough, no place is unsafe enough that the victim is responsible for an assault. The perpetrator always chooses his bad behavior.
Even when we're drunk or otherwise impaired, we are still responsible for our actions. After all, we hold drunk drivers responsible for the accidents they cause. We need to be just as clear about the sexual assaults that occur when the perpetrator is drunk.
No matter what, the victim is never responsible for the attack. Yes, after being attacked you may decide not to walk down dark alleys and you may decide to wear less revealing clothes. Your choice. But don't assume responsibility for the perpetrator's actions. This implies that he had no choice; he couldn't stop. That's ridiculous.
After all, a lot of other people saw you wearing whatever you were wearing and they didn't assault you. Rape doesn't happen in every relationship. Victims are never responsible.
