RELATIONSHIPS--THE COMPATIBILITY HOAX

Lots of people are looking for love and floundering around about what gives them the best shot at a satisfying, enduring love. After having several failed relationships, they often try to find a mate with whom they share preferences and opinions. This sadly can lead to even more relationship disaster.

The trouble is that individuals get confused between values and personality traits. You need to share one, but not the other.

My husband and I laugh remembering the incident when he talked me into helping him move a refrigerator down a flight of stairs. Just the two of us, mind you, and I'm not particularly brawny. Actually not at all. This happened early in our relationship (yes, we got it down the stairs without killing anyone, but it was close) and it functions as an example of all the times my risk-taking husband has talked me into stuff. Seriously, I sometimes doubt my own intelligence in these situations.

Still, Roger works for me partially because he is a risk-taker, unlike me. He thinks outside the box; he sees options I don't see. In short, he's nothing like me in this way. I close the cabinet doors as I walk through the kitchen. I throw away the top to the milk jug(without realizing he's still using it!) and I like to make lists.

He and I are not alike. Despite this, we've been married so long we sound much older than we are (early marriage!).

Being different in personality has been really good for us. We each have skills the other doesn't have. We see angles the other doesn't see. It's like having someone on the other end of the teeter totter--lots more fun than just sitting there by myself.

This wouldn't be true, however, if my husband and I had different values. From early on, we both valued education, we shared the same beliefs on religion and we even have pretty much the same politics.

We've had some rough spots(he wanted kids; I didn't) in the values area and we've had to make some challenging decisions, but after living with him--and working with lots of couples--I'm convinced that compatibility doesn't mean being the same. The problem with sharing the same outlook--seeing the world the same way--is that you have no one to help you see a different perspective. Seeing the other side of a question is always helpful. You may not change your mind, but your perspective is much better.

You don't have to be the same. Actually, it's probably better if you aren't. What you do need to have in common is your values. You need to want the same things in life. Values includes lifestyle and goals and they function to guide your life choices.

You need to respect your own perspective. You certainly have validity in your outlook, but compatibility doesn't mean your mate has to have the same perspective.