NOT "IN LOVE" ANYMORE

Sure, you were in love in the beginning. You just wanted to spend time with each other. It didn't matter what you did and, whenever things in your life were very bad or very good, he was the first person you called.

Things are different now, though.

A lot of couples say they just want to "be back to where we used to be", but I always tell them this isn't so. Going back to the giddy, "in love" beginning might sound great, but you came to the current moment from that place. We want you to be better. Or not to be together.

I'm all good with helping couples learn how to work through conflict to a resolution that enables them to enjoy each other again. I think this is as exciting as it is challenging.

It is a sad reality, though, that one half of that couple has already decided to leave the relationship in a significant percent of couples who walk through my door. Many have fought the good fight so long that any emotional attachment to the partner is faded. 

Sometimes the relationship has been estranged and/or conflicted to the point that one or both have found other romantic partners. They either come to see me because 1.) they want to make sure they've done everything, 2.) because they're worried about the mate they're leaving and want me to help soften the blow, 3.) they've 'fallen in love' with someone else or 4. because they just don't know how to say they're leaving.

When a person has decided to leave a relationship, they're leaving.

I, as a therapist don't have any right to offer them feedback they don't want. I don't get to tell them what I think they should choose. I don't get to tell them what to do. It's not my place. On random occasions when I can, I usually point out relationship challenges that will probably pop up in the next relationship. If an individual doesn't speak up with one partner, they're not likely to do so with a different mate. We take our personal challenges with us. Relationships involve two people and the issues of both of those individuals.

No matter what songs and stories have said, there's no one magic person with whom all our issues disappear. Leaving one mate doesn't usually solve our personal struggles to stand up for ourselves, express ourselves or learn to be truthful.

It's also easier to address personal relationship challenges--behaviors that come back to bite you--when you're in a relationship. While it may seem like a great plan to get everything fixed before you wade into dating, this isn't a very functional plan. We learn best in interaction and while therapy is an interaction of a sort, the most powerful learning comes from working through issues with the person closest to you.