LIVE LIKE NO ONE'S WATCHING

Our behavior is often influenced by our belief that others are watching, criticising and judging us. This anxiety often constricts and narrows our perspective. We don't get to the simple choice of "what do I want to do here" because we worry about how we're viewed by others.

Don't get me wrong--others' matter a whole bunch. We need, however, to get in touch with our own inner voice and we need to worry less about what someone else may think.

This self-consciousness is based on an inaccurate belief--others really aren't watching as much as you think. Most often, the people around us are engaged in worrying about themselves and their lives. Whether they are consumed with thoughts about their relationships, their kids or their jobs, other people are almost always not looking at you.

In the last decade or so, the number of people seeking therapy due to anxiety-related symptoms has increased. This may be due to our growing sense that hostile others can invade(or take) our lives or we might have money and/or job concerns. Regardless, a lot of us are worried.

We lose sight of the fact that we are competent individuals, capable of many amazing things, of bravery and acts of great kindness.

Yes, you. You have these capacities. You're probably very aware of your failures and you flaws. You can list the situations you've screwed up. These moments are vivid in your mind. If I ask, however, for a list of your successes--of the challenges you've overcome--you'll probably struggle to acknowledge these.

There are people in this world who hurt others--the Newtown, Connecticutt massacre, for instance. Times that humans act harshly toward other humans, often the innocent, but although these catch our attention and appall us, the percentage of individuals doing these heinous acts is small.

Most of us are actually pretty decent.

Some people tell me they've had no successes. I disagree. From the greatest--forgiving those who've hurt you or diving into complex, challenging situations--to the smallest--just showing up to my office--you're making successful choices all the time. You need to give yourself more credit. You've earned it.

Most people want to disagree with this, listing their failings. Yes, we do all fail. Sometimes spectacularly. This doesn't mean we're worthless, though. We humans learn through failure. Don't beat yourself up over how you've messed up, learn from it.

There are moments when--if we thought no one was watching--we'd do bad things, but we also have, in our most pure moments, times of great bravery and selflessness. We lift burning cars off the injured, we rush to save those being threatened. We may not all have these big moments of bravery, but we reach out to others who are hurting.

We do hard and scary things.

So, be silly and goofy sometimes. Be brave. Be yourself, the person you want to be.

Believe in yourself and in your capacity to negotiate this world, even when things are tough.

HOLIDAYS AND FAMILIES

The holiday season can be joyous and filled with fun.

It's supposed to be a big family time of the year, whether you go to church together or focus more on the secular side of things. Some families, however, have difficult times. Alcohol and togetherness can bring out unresolved issues and make getting together a very stressful experience.

Even when there are no chemical dependency issues and you all get along together, families can find gift-giving challenging when money and expectations collide. Many are now trying to get out of crushing debt, while others deal with fatigue over money issues by spending more freely. What if these two attitudes are in the same family and one gives socks and pajamas while the other side hands out Ipods? This is even more of a challenge if unemployment enters the picture or if one sibling feels parents favor another child.

However you look at it, a supposedly joyful time can be fraught with stress.

There are some who find that family isn't necessarily and safe or happy place to be. These individuals are often left trying to find a way to spend December 25th and struggling to fit into what seems like a world obsessed with the holidays.

It's not all snow and mistletoe for everyone.

Particularly for those with fractured families. Some people have already come to terms with their toxic experience with relatives, but others struggle forward, not wanting to accept that things may not be all rosey when they sit down around the turkey(or Tofurkey). Many people spend time and too much money with relatives, trying to feel normal--which is to say happy--when they feel anything but.

For some individuals, they just feel they need a place to go...and you're supposed to spend the holidays with your family, right?

Like all of human experience, families aren't perfect. We need to strive to fix ourselves and our relationships, but relationships are made up of more than one person...and not all are motivated to address problems.

If your family experience is anything but enjoyable, you can spend the holiday time donating your resources to help the less fortunate. Or you can create your own family, spending time with the people who do contribute to your life. Friends often feel like family.

Perhaps we need to broaden our definitions of what the holidays are about. Not just gift-giving(or getting), but a time to play, to minister to others and to recharge our batteries. However you do that.

REACHING THE END

More than half of marriages fail and those are just the couples that made a legal commitment. Relationships are one of the hardest things we do on this earth. Sometimes they flourish and sometimes they don't.

Whether or not you're in a troubled relationship, you'll have noticed that lots of people have lots of opinions about what needs to be done. I mean, lots of people. No matter whether we are ourselves in a relationship or have faced making the choice of staying in one, we seem to all have opinions about what others should do. And most people don't hesitate to share these.

But here's the reality--only you get to decide what you want to do about your relationship.

Even if friends and family members have stood by you and held your hand while you talked endlessly about your struggles with your partner, you're still the only one deciding. This isn't an easy choice. Even if the two of you have had really hard times for way too long. Even if there has been infidelity or chemical abuse or both. You're still the one experiencing the good times and the bad.

The ones who love you--and who may have moved you in and out of the home you share with your mate--get to have opinions, but they need to think hard and long before they share these with you. You're the one in the relationship. You see aspects of your partner that no one else sees...and you know in your heart how you may have contributed to the problems the two of you have had.

No one--not best friends or parents--has the right to tell you what you ought to do. Not even professionals. Occasionally, clients will ask me what I think they should do about their marriages. I understand the confusion and the desire not to make a choice that will be regretted, but I'm not the one living in the relationship. Even though it might seem easier if I tell you what I think you ought to do, you need to trust in yourself and make the choice that seems most clear to you.

If you stay where you are, you need to find improvement, a way to make the really bad stuff better. If you can't, then you probably need to end it. Relationships involve two people. Focus on your part of things and work to straighten out your own behavior. It's very easy and very common to see your partner's bad actions. These stand out like they're written in neon.

It's harder to see how we've contributed to the mess. Every situation in life has a lesson, though, and you don't want to miss yours. Talking with a therapist can help you see angles you might have missed. You'll also feel heard --listened to--and this can be a priceless gift. When someone really listens to your concerns, you actually get to hear yourself.

This helps you get clearer on your situation.

You get to decide when you've reached the end of a relationship. No one else should try to convince you of this, even if they've watched you struggle.

Struggles can bring us to new realizations.

I DON'T HAVE THE POWER (AND NEITHER DO YOU)

"I have 2 daughters. One is married with a baby and my older daughter is gay and has a partner.
When my youngest daughter was still in the hospital after the delivery of her son, her husband made sexual advances toward my older daughter-asking her if she had ever been with a man and saying that he'd been “thinking“ of her constantly. When we are together, he tries to spend as much 1 on 1 time as possible with my daughter. She's done everything to discourage him and she's very upset that he's done this. She and her sister are very close.

My married daughter has had a lot of trauma in her life. She was raped at 18 while attending college. She attempted to take her life after the incident (unknown to us). We only discovered this after the suicide death of our only son. She made some bad relationship choices after the rape, which included getting into an abusive situation.

My question now is--should my daughter tell her about her husband's advances?? She seems unhappy with him anyway--but we do not want to cause more conflict. Does she have a right to know?? They really have no sex life and she says he's not seemed interested in that aspect of their marriage. She has related this to me and my daughter on several occasions.

If your advice is that my daughter should tell her--we would not be involved  any way. We do not want her to know that we know about the situation. It would strictly be between my two daughters.

Please help us make a good decision! We do not want her to further traumatize her life. She deserved the "right" decision from us."--Concerned Mother

 

*

 

Dear Concerned Mother,

 

Whether or not she tells her sister about the husband's overtures is up to her, but she needs to consider some possible outcomes. People vary on whether or not they want to be told bad things about their mates. If your daughter tells her sister, her sister may flat-out refuse to believe her and the relationship between them will suffer. On the other hand, her sister might be upset if this infomation is withheld and she later learns of it.

 

Her sister's marriage is pretty bad as it is, but sis hasn't decided to leave him. Getting a divorce is a very personal decision and your married daughter has a right to do this in her own time--or not at all. If she wants to stay in a sexless, unhappy marriage, she gets to do that.

 

Either way, you're right to stay out of it. Your daughter needs to make the decision herself.

 

What you can do, however, is encourage your traumatized daughter to take care of herself. She deserves to get therapy to help her heal from her trauma and her bad relationship choices. Help this daughter see that you believe in her, that you know she has the capacity to live a fullfulled life. Then let her make her own relationship choices. Act like she's an intelligent, capable individual.

 

Your other daughter needs to take a strong stand with her sister's husband--she needs to tell him with conviction that his sexual advances toward her have to stop. In the strongest possible terms, she needs to indicate that they will be spending no one-on-one time and his continued pursuit of her will force her to let his wife know just what he's up to.

 

If he then continues to try to force his presence on her, she needs to level with her sister in the most matter-of-fact way. Her sister still may not believe her, but at least she'll have blown the dirty secret open.

 

**

 

I DON'T HAVE THE POWER (AND NEITHER DO YOU)

 

People often want to bring others in for therapy so I can straighten them out. Parents bring surly teens and five year-olds who throw tantrums. Husbands bring wives and wives bring husbands. Grandparents sometimes try to make appointments for their adult grandkids.

 

Others' issues are always very clear to us, but the reality is that we each get to direct our own lives. We get to choose whether or not we pay attention to our consequences and whether we change our behavior accordingly. Basically, we each get to be in charge of our own lives, even though it doesn't feel that way sometimes.

 

When I'm faced with a third-party bringing someone in for me to "fix them", I have to break the news that I don't have the power to change someone. This is usually a shock. Even clients who've come in because of their own issues, sometimes get frustrated that I don't have a magic wand to wave over them to make it all better.

 

What I do have is a clear perspective on whatever you're facing. And I can help you see your own struggles. I can also help you see your alternatives and the possible consequences of each of these.

 

You have mothers and partners and friends who are all eager to tell you just what you should do. That's not my job. I don't have the power to magically wean you from your bad habits; I can't make kids behave by just telling them they should(always frustrating to parents).

 

I am a pretty good listener, though, and that's not a small thing. Listening is huge and most of us struggle to do this with the ones we love.

 

You can listen without agreeing(always a big concern) and you can reflect back to the ones you love what you heard them say. You'll be wrong, at first, but with continued effort, the one you're listening to will manage to say what he means and you'll finally be able to hear him. This is a pretty big thing and it helps us be open to feedback when we think we're actually being listened to.

 

You have to accept first, however, that your brother/mate/son/friend has the right and power to direct his own life. He doesn't have to do it your way and you don't have the power or the right to insist that he see it your way.

DON'T TAKE THEIR CONSEQUENCES

My daughter and her husband have been having problems for quite a while. In fact, he says he hasn’t felt right about them for 3 years. (They are married 6+).  My husband and I have stayed out of it, unless she asks for help.  They still live together, but more or less as roommates.  He doesn’t know what he wants.  He finally has agreed to counseling, but they haven’t started yet.  Last night, my daughter called and asked what we were doing about Father’s Day, saying she'd like her husband included in our family plans.  We have not spoken to him for months and we are devastated at how he is treating her. We really do not want to be around him right now.  My daughter thinks we should put her feelings before our own because we are the parent and children should come first. When we were raising our children, they were put first before our own needs, but as an adult that does not apply.  We will support her any way we can and hopefully in the future, we will be able to have a relationship with our son-in-law.  But there is just too much pain and hurt to want to have him as part of family functions.  Are we wrong for feeling this way?

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Dear Concerned Parent,

They may not still be together come Father's Day, as that will be six months off.  I don't agree that adult children should always be put first, but this conflict isn't really about that. It's about conveying to your daughter that you accept her as a person in her own right. That you believe in her, even when she's not sure she believes in herself. She's the only one who can decide if her marriage is working for her, not you.

You love your daughter and you want the best for her. That means you need to follow her lead in this. As parents, we're always working our way out of a job. We encourage them and try to teach our children what they need to be strong adults, so let her do that here. She's in an unhappy situation with her husband and, as difficult as that is to watch, you have to take the back seat on this one.

Unless her husband has physically attacked her or you--or stolen from you--you have to let her decide what family functions to include him in. Whatever she does with the marriage is her decision. You may be disappointed in your son-in-law. You might have felt close to him, but are now repulsed by who he's shown himself to be. It's still her call whether she continues to be married to him or not.

In the past, my husband and I talked of traveling over the Christmas holidays so we wouldn't have to deal with our troubled children and their troubled relationships. We didn't end up doing this, but I very much understand your desire to avoid interacting with your son-in-law. You need to suck it up, however. Smile at him and sincerely wish him to find whatever he needs. Even if you don't like him--or he doesn't seem to like you--hope for his learning.

You didn't want your parents deciding who you should or shouldn't be with. Now it's time to let your daughter make her big decisions.

**

 

DON'T TAKE THEIR CONSEQUENCES

 

It's very difficult to watch your child struggle, even when she deserves it. Parents frequently wrestle with the question of what they did wrong when a child of theirs makes a choice that leads to lousy consequences. As a parent, you had your difficult moments, but you shouldn't accept responsibility for the actions your child takes. The older the child, the more she gets to direct her life. This is her right and her responsibility.

 

When a kid is under legal age, parents have the role to direct her, but when you have an adult(or nearly-adult) child, you need to step back and make sure you're not stealing your child's learning.

 

When you make her consequences go away, you're robbing her of a learning opportunity. Don't do that, even if you have the kindest motivation. Even if watching her struggle is painful for you.

 

It's just part of the cost of parenting.

 

When I watched my first child learn to crawl and saw her heading away from me, I had a clear moment of seeing the future. No matter how much they love you, they need to lead their own lives. You will always be important to her--kids love even parents who abuse and neglect them--but you have to find a way to develop a new role. Be a loving, supportive parent who believes in her, even when she doesn't believe in herself.

 

LEARN FROM EVERY CRISIS

"I was involved in an relationship when I was only 24 years old with a girl who had just completed her high school education. She got pregnant and we had a baby girl. Being a person who is a victim of family breakup, I decided to take her as my wife.

Now the problem is that I believe our relationship was not based on love, but on infatuation and lust and that was by me. Her position was that she breakup with me, but I forced on her and she almost left for her home village. I tried by all means to break the move and I managed. We got married through the traditional way. During that time that I was supposed to pay dowry, she got pregnant for the second born and we were blessed with a baby girl.

From that time, we are not agreeable. We just argue and she has insisted for the third time that we should go our way. I have always objected to this. I am writing this email after we had a discussion. We didn't agree, but I told to consider me a husband and have respect for the family. I even told her that if she wants to be with me, she better follow my instructions. If not ready then the door are always open.

 

My question is this forcing marriage on her"? Please help. I feel helpless. She does not care for me. We have three children. My father and mother divorced in 1983 when I was just 5 years old.

The bottomline is I spend most or all of my time trying to make the relationship work to no avail. I love her and I don't want the kids to go through what I went through."

*

 

Dear Distressed Father,

 

Just because you two disagree, doesn't mean your wife doesn't love you. Has she told you she doesn't care for you? From what you wrote(praise to you for knowing even this much of a foreign language),  it's clear that you love your children and you're very concerned that they not have the same experience you had as a boy. I don't know if your dad stayed in your life or what difficulties followed the divorce, but parents separating can be hard on kids.

 

If the two of you fight all the time, though, your children have a rough home life, even now. You've tried arguing, insisting and demanding your wife do things your way and these aren't working. Either you need to learn to listen to her complaints--and stop trying to force her to follow you--or you need to let her go.

 

Being a divorced father doesn't mean you have to be an absent father. You can still see your kids regularly and be a loving dad, even if you don't live with them. Divorce is hard on kids, but having parents who fight and argue all the time is worse. 

 

**

 

LEARN FROM EVERY CRISIS

 

Bad things happen in every life--some of these caused by us and some the results of random events. If we did something foolish or didn't realize the results of our choices, we can feel very badly about causing a crisis in our lives. Every one of us messes up sometimes. It's part of existing on this planet.

 

Random events also happen. We certainly don't deserve everything we must deal with. Sometimes the innocent suffer, but suffering isn't just for the blameless.

 

The important thing to remember is that we need to learn from every one of these bad situations. Whatever our personal crises involves, we need to meet our challenges with an open mind. What can I learn from this? Some crisis are initiated by our own actions--by what we do or don't do--but wallowing in regret is a waste of energy. Acknowledge the feeling. Own it, but don't swim in it too long.

 

Even if we didn't ask for these situations by making questionable choices, we still can always look to the learning. Difficult situations lead to loss, heartbreak and loneliness and these can lead to some pretty unhealthy coping mechanisms. This is where we can learn. Sometimes, the greatest learning is in how we respond to challenges.

 

We tend to bemoan difficult situations and often blame ourselves, even when we could have done nothing to change the events. Bemoaning is understandable, but nothing is gained by beating yourself up. There are choices you'd make differently, of course. But learning from the situation can be blocked when we're so disgusted with ourselves that we're unable to take an objective look at where we are.

Be honest with yourself, but don't be cruel. Finding the right balance will help you take whatever positive growth you can from your challenging moments.

EXPECTATIONS IN MARRIAGE

You and your mate probably had fun picking your wedding invitations and celebrating the day, but becoming a union is a little more challenging. Marriages die half the time and these aren't good odds. You may know people--intelligent, attractive folk--who've been married multiple times. You may be in this group yourself.

The tough times come, though, and sometimes they're a surprise. You may have had an inkling of trouble ahead, but you figured it would work out. After all, you loved one another. This seems like it should make things easier, but we're at our most vulnerable and most difficult with those we love.

Take the time now to think about what you expected marriage to mean. This is different for different people and we don't usually discuss these differences. Even if you and your mate seem very similar in backgrounds, political party and life preferences, ironing out your differences is challenging. You need to think--as honestly as possible--what you want out of marriage or couplehood. It's difficult for many to be this introspective, but knowing this about yourself makes it easier to deal with the bumps in the relationship.

Handling Money

This is the biggest issue in most marriages. Think about whether you fall into the spend or saver categories. This is a range and probably isn't either/or, but your attitude about money is huge when it comes to sharing income with someone else. Some couples try to go around this issue by never putting their money together. They keep separate check books and credit cards, sharing expenses. But what if one of you makes a lot more than the other? Does the one with more income pay a larger percentage of the bills? Do you live where the poorer one can afford a home or do you buy where the one with more money wants?

How do you pay for vacations and eating out? Everything from money spent on household items to money spent at leisure comes right down to your attitude about finances.

Sex

Some people want it every day and others are good with twice every month. Is fidelity important to you? It isn't to some, but most require this in their intimate relationships. (Think carefully before you make broad statements about what you'd do if your partner cheats. This is hard to know until you're facing it.) Some marriages exist without sex, either at the beginning or--more likely--as they progress. Be aware that unless you've both agreed to a celibate marriage, no sex is an indication of problems between you.

Lifestyles
 
If you're a party animal and your mate just wants a quiet life with the two of you, you'll have major issues. You need to know what you want. Not that your mate has to have your same attitude toward social time--I cannot stress this enough--but it's important for you to know what you need. Your partner may crave much more contact with friends. You guys can always balance this out, but again, knowing your own preferences is important.

You need to ask yourself what you want in your marriage and then you need to think hard about what your partner whats. Listen to him or her about this. We too often assume that others share the same desires. No, not true. Your partner is an individual, as are you. Different people have different needs and desires. Don't automatically characterize your way of thinking as the only right way to think. Many, many of us do this and it causes big relationship problems. You have your perspective on various issues and your partner has his or hers.

Respect your mate's feelings. After all, you want your feelings and opinions to be respected, don't you? Give your mate the same respect.

Knowing yourself--and working to know your spouse--will help you deal with relationship conflicts. You have a better chance at loving yourself and your partner if you'll seriously examine what you both want out of your partnership.

LET'S BLAME THE MOM

"My stepson is ten, and has no boundaries. At his mothers home, he's allowed to watch any rated show and movies and play any kind of video games any time and as long as he wants. He's allowed to wander the neighborhood and go to the store with friends or alone. He eats and drinks whatever he wants anytime. When he doesn't want what's been made, he's made something else at his mother's. At our home, he's not allowed to have any of these freedoms, and he's disrespectful when he is made to come visit his father. He whines incessantly about how boring it is and how lame we are. He paces the house, saying he's bored.

 

 He talks my daughter(shes 8yrs old), his half sister, into asking one of us if  'they' can do something she wouldn't normally ask for because she knows she not allowed to. I don't know if he thinks she'll get us to say okay.  He complains that he 'hates the cello!' his sister plays, instead of just going somewhere else while she practices. He hates the kind of music we listen to, so he makes rude points about it, as well. If he doesn't like what we have to eat--even if we make something just for him because he's said he likes it--he just doesn't eat or he asks for one thing, then sneaks a bunch of bananas or puddings and eats them until they're gone. Then, when he goes home, he tells his mom we didn't feed him.

 

Its becoming a lot to handle, even though they are little things to some people. He does this kind of thing constantly. It's disrupting our whole household when he's over, no matter how much we do to make him comfortable. He's been doing all this for the last 5 years and his mom doesn't make him come over to his dad's on all the times his father is supposed to get him because she says he doesn't want to come over or he's 'sick'. His being 'sick' has been the main excuse for the last 8 years.

 

My husband can't make her make him come over more often, if she's using the sick excuse. We don't know what to do. We've both talked nicely to his mom about it, trying to get him more often, but she just says to let him do what he wants and he'll be happy when he's over. But we shouldn't have to bribe him or change our rules for him. We know he shouldn't be allowed to do some things that are not age appropriate, but if she won't help and he won't listen to us, what are we supposed to do? Please help."--Frustrated Stepmom

 

*

Dear Frustrated Stepmom,

 

I get that you're upset with your stepson and his mom, but I'm not sure I understand his father's role in all this. Most kids have rules, but they usually feel a connection with their parents that makes them overlook rules they don't like. This is what I'm not seeing in what you've written. Where's your husband? Is he involved with his son? Do they play together? Does his son feel loved by him, even though he doesn't like what you're having for dinner?

 

Your stepson's mother and the way she parents can't be changed. At least, not by you. But your husband's interaction with his child should probably be given some more focus. This is his son. The kid cares more about him than you. Your husband has the best position to deal with his son not wanting to visit with him.

If your husband has been involved, but his son is still rejecting for whatever reason, it might be time to let his son go for the betterment of your family. We all get to make choices and your step-son has the right to reject his father's new family. Your husband could be involved with his son--which is important for them both---by going to his son's games or school events, without everyone having to suffer with weekend visits. Kids at ten are really caught in the middle you. Neither his father nor you can stop his mom from creating this situation, if that's what she's doing .

 

**

 

LET'S BLAME THE MOM

 

Not long ago, I saw a piece in a newspaper that discussed a certain death row inmate. He'd done some awful things and he was facing the ultimate consequence. In this article, it was reported that his lawyer was attempting to get the inmate's sentence changed, saying his mother had been mean to him.

 

Mothers are human beings and sometimes humans do terrible things. Sometimes to their own offspring. This is true of both fathers and mothers, but somehow female parents bear a bigger expectation.

 

I know from my clients that a fair number of us have had mothers who are difficult in various ways. Some mothers kill their children; others abuse them or let third parties abuse them. Most of us with difficult mothers haven't had to deal with that extremity of bad parenting, but let's just say that sometimes parents--of both sexes--can be a real pain.

 

Loving parents are a tremendous gift. We come into the world naked and completely dependent. Children are vulnerable--if sometimes annoying--individuals. Kids deserve to be loved and cherished and placed at the highest priority. Heck, we all deserve this, no matter our ages, but kids are weaker and smaller. Moms and dads have great power by virtue of the fact that we are so impacted by them.

 

I don't know how many times I've been discussing a difficult parent situation with an adult and when I ask why the client tolerates this, I hear "But she's my mother." Moms are supposed to love you. That's what we expect.

 

I say let's give the dads some of this power. Studies show that girls do better in school if they have active fathers in their lives. Dads are very important and they're just as responsible for parenting as moms. Too often, the mom still pushes the stroller and still does most of the parenting. This is changing, thank goodness, and guys are getting more into the parenting picture, but we have a way to go.

 

Regardless of what kind of parenting you did or didn't have, you get to be responsible for how you live your life. This is not to say that some of us haven't had it bad. We have. But each individual has the power to make choices. Whether those lead to Death Row are not is up to you.



REMORSE? EXTRACT THE LEARNING

"I want help from you to save our marriage. We had a love marriage based on understanding each others feelings. We love each other a lot but still a lot of things are going wrong. My hubby has no time at all. We've been married two years and we haven't spend a single whole day together. All the time he is busy. I agree that he has work, but one day in a year isn't manageable? I want his time, but he has no time for me. When he returns home from work, he sits watching TV. If I try to touch him or speak to him, he says move, let me see that programme. He kiss me only in bed, once before and once after sex. He doesn't try to know if I am satisfied in bed. If I tell him I'm not satisfied, he says it's because I' not interested in having sex with him. If by chance any romantic scene comes on the TV, he changes the channel immediately if I am with him. If I'm not there, he will watch it. I wonder if he's the person who shared and cared my feeling before marriage. I feel lonely at home without him. This makes me cry so many times. When he sees me crying, he asks why I'm crying. He asks what torture he's given me to make me to cry like that. He says I don't want to live with him. He tells me to leave him and go, that he will live without me. He says our marriage is going to break one day, if I continue to cry like this. But I cry for him only, because I miss him. If I tell him we should go out, he says it would be odd to roam like lovers. I've tried to explain him my feelings to him, but then he says again that I should leave if I'm so unhappy. I don't know how to tell him that what I need is him and his time. Please help me. Am I wrong? Am I a bad wife? I do all that I can to love him. I don't think I'm wrong in any way. Am I crazy? Inspite of all this, I think he really loves me. but something is going wrong."--Lonely Wife

*

 





Dear Lonely Wife,

You say your husband loves you, but you also said over and over that you don't feel loved. You and your husband have fought about your crying, but have you told him that you want him to spend more time with you--without the television on? You want to save your marriage and I understand that, but I'm not sure that you and your husband want the same thing.

If he works hard, he's probably trying to de-stress by watching television. Even so, this relationship isn't giving you both what you want and marriages that don't do this, don't usually last.

##

 

 

REMORSE? EXTRACT THE LEARNING





 

Everyone makes mistakes. We all fail sometimes. We lose jobs or relationships, sometimes because we've screwed up.

 

I trained under a man who claimed to have no regrets, but I think this attitude blocks our learning. I've made stupid choices, trusted the wrong people and headed down blind alleys. I think this is part of the human condition--we all make mistakes, but I think we limit ourselves if we don't take these opportunities to learn.

 

It doesn't help to get lost in regret. Even if we've hurt others and damaged ourselves, we need to look around for the good. This can be very difficult if the situation if we feel tremendous remorse, but every rough time has its lessons. You're short-changing yourself if you don't get the lesson. Why? is a great question, if you don't load it with blame and self-hatred. You need to understand why you did whatever you did, but the learning will be blocked if you wallow in beating yourself up. Try to be objective about it. I know this can be very difficult, if you've messed up pretty badly, but if you want to be a better person, you need to look at your choices without ugly emotions.

 

Take a deep breath and look at the choices you made. Ask yourself why and don't settle for any answer that's a variation of "...because I'm an idiot."

 

We all have some basic emotional needs--we want to feel special, to be loved, to feel vindicated. We want to achieve...and sometimes we trample other people to get to our goal. We struggle with self-belief and self-involvement. We have a hard time seeing others' perspectives, particularly when they're different from our own.

 

But you're not a total screw-up.

 

Think of it this way--you're not allowed to say anything about yourself that you wouldn't say about your best friend, in the same situation. And don't tell me your best friend wouldn't do something like you've done because we all make bad choices sometimes. All of us.

 

Forgiving yourself doesn't mean you think whatever you did--or didn't do--is okay. It doesn't mean you'd make the same choice again. It just means that you're still a worthwhile person. Looking at yourself without blame allows you to take from the situation all the learning that's there for you. This is important because you don't want to be here again.

 

DON'T BE AFRAID(TO SAY GOODBYE)

I've always said that, as a therapist, I'm trying to work my way out of a job. The point of the whole thing is for you to get better, do better, feel better. And not need to come see me anymore.

It's really nice to have someone to listen to you--and this is a big problem in most relationships--but I'm here to help you better connect to others in your world. Not to connect to just me. I want to help you find people to listen without a diagnosis or a credit card involved.

It's very important that you feel understood and valued by any therapist you're seeing. This is huge as it makes you more comfortable when talking about issues that can be difficult. I have a sign in my office that tells clients I won't speak to them first if I see them in public. We live in the same area and potentially go to the same stores and restaurants, but I never want clients having to explain me to whoever they're with. It's no one's business, but yours. Understand that I'm always glad to see you; I just don't want you having to explain me or talk to me, if you don't want.

Going to therapy can seem weird and wrong. It may seem like you're paying someone to care about you. You may struggle to tell a stranger very personal things about your life. On the other hand, sometimes a stranger is just what you want. Someone you don't have to face again, if you don't want. Someone without a vested interest, beyond you doing well.

Don't feel like you owe me anything(beyond your fee. Gotta pay the electric bill). Therapy is all about you. It's focused on you and how you feel and what you need to learn to make your life better. It's common that when clients get to this point in therapy, they just don't come back anymore. No cancellation, no statement to the therapist. They just evaporate. I think its from awkwardness. They don't know how to tell the therapist that they don't need her anymore(they think) or they think I'll be hurt by them going on with their life and not coming in to see me.

No, I really am trying to work my way out of a job. There's no shame in struggling toward a better place. If you falter and want to come back, I'll understand. But getting better is a good thing. Not needing to talk anymore about your issues is a good thing.

So when you've learned what you need to learn, when you want to take a break from the sometimes-exhausting process. When you don't need to come back, it's okay to say goodbye.

NOT NECESSARILY A CHIP OFF THE OLD BLOCK

When my first child was born, I looked down at her and was immediately struck that she bore a great resemblance to her father. She looked just like him, minus the mustache. Fortunately, he’s got great genes. Ironically, this daughter’s personality is more like me.

We get in trouble when we anticipate or assume that our kids are just like us. Years ago, my daughter dated a boy who was the eldest of five children. He was a nice kid. When I later met his mother, she was clearly a unique person, a woman of intelligence, high career achievement and unusual perspective. Ours was a very casual interaction, but when we talked, she mentioned that all five of her kids were just like her.

This is unlikely just from a statistical angle, but we parents sometimes have odd expectations. Look around you and you’ll find many instances when children are very different from their parents, even physically. You inherited a pool of genetics and you passed a portion on to your child, mingled with that of the other parent. The kid’s not just like you. You may not even be a match if they need blood or a liver transplant.

Biology aside, human beings have unique minds and spirits—and widely varying opinions. You need to know that your child may vote for a different presidential candidate than you and will probably pick a different mate than you would pick for her.

My second child has always looked more like my side of the family…and she thinks more like her father than me.

Having a kid who looks like you can be a great boost to your ego. Particularly if the kid is a star in some way, but we get into trouble when we expect our children to be just like us. Are you just like your folks? You may go to the same church or share the same hobbies, but we need to remember that our children are people in their own rights. They get to have opinions we don’t share, make relationship choices we wouldn’t make and screw up in their own particular ways. After all, you screwed up in your own way. They deserve the same right.

Achievement in this life comes in lots of flavors. Your child may differ wildly from you, but that doesn’t make her choices and preferences wrong.

IN HIS BEST INTEREST

When you feel loved and happy in a relationship, you want what’s best for your mate and you know your mate wants the same for you.

 Ask yourself if you want your mate to achieve his or her goals. Do these conflict with what you want in life? If so, you need to look at the deeper issues involved.

 Couples often struggle with issues of money, angry that their partners are spending in a way they don’t like. Even when paying the bills isn’t a problem, couples argue and disagree over how money is spent. Usually, one or both spouses thinks the items purchased are unnecessary or frivolous. They begrudge expenditures and fight about spending too much or not being able to spend anything. The money issue is the number one reason relationships fail.

Money conflict usually has nothing to do with the money. Even if you suddenly win the lottery and you have cash to spare, your relationship won’t necessarily be smooth.

 Many deeper issues feed into these disagreements—do you feel loved by your mate? Do you feel like more is owed to you or nothing is owed to you? Do you have a right to financial equality? Sometimes this comes down to who has the power in the relationship. Does the one who earns more deserve the right to spend more?

Other issues commonly come into play with how you spend. If these aren’t openly addressed, they’ll pop up somewhere else. We’re sometimes devious in expressing our conflicts.

Several years back when my husband and I were starving graduate students, we needed to buy another car. Because we’d by then resolved the issue of whether or not to have kids, we were purchasing a used four-door white Oldsmobile that would accommodate car seats…and it just about broke my heart. I’m a roadster person. I love small, fast, agile cars. Other goals had taken precedence and I cried as we drove to pick up that Oldsmobile. Even when my startled husband said we didn’t have to buy this car, I knew it was the best option.

Fast forward through graduate school and I was startled and thrilled when my husband found a way to afford a beautiful, hot, little roadster for me. While he enjoyed driving my Honda S2000, he’d never have bought this for himself. It wasn’t what he wanted, but he knew it was what I wanted.

When you feel your needs are considered and placed at a high priority, you’re more likely to want your mate to get what he wants. If you find yourself resenting your mate’s attainments, you need to look at what you’re doing for yourself. Getting what you need is important to both of you.

EXTRACT LEARNING FROM MISTAKES

"I would like some advice on a situation that happened 20 years ago. When I first started dating my wife our children, my 10 year old daughter and her 12 year old son had some sexual acting out.

We immediately took action and sent the boy to a treatment center for a year. My daughter went through five years of counseling in her teens for other reasons but the acting out was discussed. It involved oral sex and my daughter tells me now it was aggressive behavour on my step sons part.

The problem is this, she is now going to have a child and does not want her step brother to be around the child. I feel like I am in the dark. I did not think two children acting out could be called sexual abuse but she is insistant that is what happened. That she is the victim and he the predator But her stance to split the family over it does not seem healthy.

I of course want to be sensitive to my daughter but I do not want to be subject to emotional black mail. If she is truly dealing with this, she should be healing and forgiving.

At the same time I am having a problem with the monster she is making her step brother into when they were both kids at the time and it seems different to me than an adult and a child.

Please advise me of how I should view the situation and what healing steps to take."

*

Dear Dad,

 

First off, I want to commend you for sending your step-son for treatment. This is a very difficult situation for everyone, but getting him help was smart.

 

Secondly, the state of Texas(where I'm located) considers it sexual abuse/assault when there was at least a two-year age difference between the victim and the perpetrator. According to the law, this wasn't just "sexual acting out" between kids. Your daughter was a victim. Children are very aware of the power differential when someone is older they are. (This is why they lie to their parents, at times.) The difference in age meant that she felt less powerful than he and unable to stand up to him.

 

Irregardless, the issue here is one family member being uncomfortable around another.

 

You can't just tell her to get over it. Healing isn't necessarily visible on the outside. I think forgiveness is often mistaken for us acting as if the offense never happened. She doesn't need to let the situation control the rest of her life. She may have decided to allow the laws of the land and the universe to deal with him. However, it's possible to move on and not cling to the victim stance without welcoming the offender back into your life. Actually, it usually makes more sense.

 

I recommend that you not insist on seeing your daughter and grandchild when your stepson is there. Respect her experience and make other arrangements. This shouldn't be a big deal. With family members being strung across the country and adult kids having multiple family obligations, parents often have multiple holiday celebrations.

 

**

 

 

EXTRACT LEARNING

 

Bad things happen in every life. Sometimes we make the wrong choices and we live to regret these, but the important thing is to learn from every one of these bad situations. We can't avoid slipping and falling. Sometimes we handle our parenting situations all wrong. We do something stupid at work. We really foul up our relationships.

 

Guilt and regret are the by-products of poor choices, but don't let these feelings get in the way of your learning. It's a sad fact that humans don't generally learn by someone telling us stuff; we have to make the wrong choice before we understand that it's the wrong choice.

 

When you do something stupid, there's a lesson to be learned, something important to take from the situation. If you spend your energy on wishing you'd done something different (understandable, but not helpful) or hating whatever lousy thing occurred in your life, you miss the lesson that's there for you. Every choice you make has consequences. Some of these consequences are wonderful and terrific. Some aren't. Before you give yourself heck for the bad choices you've made, take some time to examine the moment.

 

What was going on with you at the time of your bad choice? If you respond that you're just stupid or that you must have had your head up your posterier, then you're still struggling to get to an objective point of reference on this thing. Everyone screws up. Repeat this, Everyone screws up! There's no perfect life, no human being on this planet who hasn't messed up. Doesn't matter how smart you are, we all make bad choices.

 

Then try your best to look at what was happening to you when you messed up. Were you anxious, frustrated, unhappy with your job or your marriage, feeling like your actions didn't matter, anyway? I'm not recommending you find excuses, but that you take into account the full picture. I'm not saying It's okay that you did this bad thing because you were upset. We've already established that the choice had unfortunate consequences. Not okay! You don't want this result again.

 

If you really want to move forward, to take all the learning you can get from the choices you've made. We are fortunately pretty good at generalizing learning, so we don't have to make every bad choice in the universe. So, look at your experience and try to understand what was happening in your head. The more you understand, the more you can ensure that the bad thing won't be chosen again.

 

Then forgive yourself. Again, not saying that it's okay when the choice obviously wasn't okay, but that you're okay. Every one of us have difficult times, days when we feel crabby and unhappy, times when we're not totally focused. Even those of us with big jobs, big responsibilities and big expectations.

 

Forgive yourself by understanding the experience you were having and the situations into which you put yourself. Learn what you need to learn, then give yourself a break.













IT'S OKAY TO QUIT

"My mom and dad divorced when I was two. My dad physically abused my mom, so she took me and left. They tried again a few months later and the abuse escalated. He broke her glasses, pulled her hair, slapped her and pushed her down. They separated for about 13 years. Then later when I was 15-16, I got curious and wanted to meet him. We got in contact with his mother and then he came to visit. They jumped right back into a relationship after my mom had told me they wouldn't. I got upset and he left because it was just a visit.

Fast forward 5 years again and my mom is trying a 4th time with him. They jumped back into the relationship and it's not working. They fight almost every day. For a long time, he didn't look for work, he sat in the bed and watched TV and movies all day everyday. He drove my mom around for work because she had to give up her car. They fight and yell all the time. I left to stay with a boyfriend for awhile, thinking they might do better without me. They didn't. They still fought and abuse one another. My boyfriend and I broke up and I came home. Things got even worse.

All they do is fight. Dad blames her and then she blames him, getting worse and worse until we all started abusing each other. We've all still been trying to do anything to make it work. We tried family meetings, tried typing up how we felt about everything and what all of us need to work on as a family. Our last shot is counseling.

I've gotten to the point where I just want my dad to leave. He's threatened to leave 3 times since he's been here and my mother wants him to leave, too. Every time they fight or all of us fight, he comes in the next morning, crying or trying to make up and says he's really trying to change. I think the situation is too volatile for my mom or I to be near him, but he says he has to stay here, refuses to go.

What do you think? Do you think he should leave? He continues living here, but doesn't pay rent, instead spending his money on toys. I want him gone, I've made that extremely clear. Please respond as soon as possible."--Please Help

*

Dear Daughter,

 

You know he needs to leave. If your dad's name is on the lease, however, your mother can't kick him out. If the physical abuse is on-going, your mother and you can go to a shelter and she can file charges on him. Even if the abuse is no longer physical, this is a bad situation. Even if your mother's or your name is on the lease, you need to seriously consider breaking it. No one should live in the distressing situation you describe, even if it's not always bad, it's still bad.

 

I don't know your exact age, but you're obviously an adult. If your mom doesn't get out of this mess, you need to consider your own safety. You can get out of this insanity and make a life for yourself.

 

 

##

 

IT'S OKAY TO QUIT

 

Somehow we've gotten the crazy idea that it's bad to quit even bad situations. While kids probably need to stick out a season of baseball--if they wanted to sign up--most other things that don't work for you, don't work for you. It's only smart to change course, if doing so is in your best interest.

 

The don't be a quitter philosophy has major limitations. Yes, you need to learn to stick out difficult situations, if there's something to be gained by it--some skill to be learned, some course to be passed or a lesson to be learned. But misery is misery. There had better be a good reason for it.

 

If you don't like a situation, a job, a career or a marriage, then get out. Those bad situations that can't be fixed, need to be changed. This gets more complicated when we're talking about a relationship and kids, but the problems need to be fixed--get professional help. No shame in this--or you need to get the heck out.

 

Survival may be fun to watch on reality television, but it's not good to live your live like you're running a marathon. Your job, your living situation and your relationship all need to benefit you, in some way. Living your life like you're in an endurance contest is draining and demeaning. You need to learn to stick out tough times only if you're actually getting something out of this. There's no badge of courage for sticking out an unhappy marriage.

 

You deserve better. Some things, some situations and some people deserve to be quit.  





THE PERFECT WEDDING DAY?

Much has been written about bridezillas and the "its-all-about-me" attitude that some women have when it comes to planning a wedding. Let's be honest, though, most of us like being special, feeling the focus of those around us. For some reason, guys don't have the wedding fantasy. They've grown up with fantasies of throwing the perfect touchdown in the big game or being the hero that saves the day.

Some women speak of having dreamed of their perfect wedding ever since they were girls. Everything from the wedding showers with loads of gifts to the beautiful dress are part of the fantasies, but this life event--joining your life with someone else--is about way more than the wedding. Planning a big wedding is usually exhausting and family issues often come into play. Beyond the drama trauma of all this, you have to decide how to be married. How to be a couple.

Unless you married straight out of school, you've created an independent life of your own and you probably haven't had to "report" to anyone. For some individuals, being a couple feels like it requires this because you're not just you anymore. What you do and don't do, where you go and who you go with and how you do or don't spend your money all effects your mate. When you're part of a couple, you have to consider more than just your preference.

Getting comfortable with this--heck, knowing how to do it!--is a learning process way beyond picking out a china pattern.

Lots of people enjoy watching House Hunters on T.V. Sure, looking at the various houses is interesting, but you can also see the challenges of melding two lives into one. In truth, learning the mindset of really being married takes a while and some couples never get there. The conflicts cluster around decision-making. When you're a committed couple--whether legally married or not--you have to find a way to  make decisions jointly.

These are the moments you'll really feel married. It has nothing to do with the kind of flower arrangements you decide to have at the church or what cummerbund the groomsmen wear. You'll have a thousand moments to work together--big and little--and you'll find that both of these stir emotions in you.

I never felt more married than when I signed my (married) name a hundred times at the closing on the first house we bought. Joint efforts like buying a house and having kids(or not) will help you become the couple you've chosen to be. You have a zillion personal moments--how you handle your education or your job--and you'll have that many moments to become a couple. You get to decide how you handle your family-of-origin; you and your mate will decide if you have a family together(through adoption or gestation).

Becoming a couple is a process and it can encourage you to be a better version of yourself--or not. Only you can make these decisions and this is right in that you'll be the one experiencing the consequences of these, good or bad.